That's the Spirit

Faith vs. Works -- And a Time To Be Still

2012-02-16T10:05:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's starting to make sense. Since the start of the year, I've been more deliberate about spending quiet time in communion with God. But even as Scriptures reminded me again and again of the importance of spending this time quietly with God, I couldn't shake the thought that God also wants action. After all, doesn't Scripture also say faith without works is dead.

Sunday's sermon text may provide a key. 1 Corinthians 9:25-27. "I therefore so run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the air; but I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection ..."

The sermon's focus was the importance of not only running the race, but running with purpose. What is God's purpose for me? What is the prize or goal He wants me to achieve?

Maybe the reason I spend so much time procrastinating or in mindless activity is that I don't have a true sense of purpose. For all my faith and good intentions, I struggle. ... (I am aware of some of the reasons, from childhood on ... Dreams, choices, consequences and realities.) ... And the place to get that settled is in constant communion with God.

But the sermon reminded me that I do need to act. I must discern God's purpose and act. Maybe not today. It seems like it should be soon.

After the sermon, I had a wonderful conversation with a dear friend at church who is about 78 who was talking about why she continues to push herself to be active. She knows the purpose for each action -- to keep her healthy and whole -- and also God's greater purpose for her.

Even as I feel impatient to get to work on the stuff that I think needs to be done, today's readings and Scriptures reminded me again that God is still wanting me to be still, focusing on quietness and trust. "Be still before the Lord ..." (Zechariah 2:13). "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength ..." (Isaiah 30:15). "My grace is enough for you; for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in your weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).

This seemed clearer Monday, when I started it, than it does today. I guess that helps explain why I'm not finished with the quiet communion with God, and probably never will be. Maybe God's preparing me for a journey rather than a race. Or maybe I'm on the journey that is preparing me for the race. I think God may be laughing with me right now, as we see how very far I still have to go! I'm grateful to Him for not only leading me, but walking with me, patiently and lovingly. In fact, as slow as it seems we are going, I think He is still telling me to slow down even more. I trust You, Lord Jesus. Lead me, Lord.

Finding peace in the present amid thoughts of past, future

2012-02-11T16:58:00.000-08:00

All of my spiritual devotionals point me to Scriptures that remind me of the importance of living in this moment and not getting caught up in the past or the future. And I have learned the value from experience. But it's still hard to do.

In the past week, two things in particular have tempted my mind to wander back or ahead. The first was to learn that the person who has become my best friend and most trusted colleague at work has given her two-weeks' notice. Her last day will be Friday. In the past year especially, but also for quite a while before that, she has been a rock in helping me learn and grow at work as well as in life. She's helped me not give up trying to achieve high standards when they don't seem to matter any more, and we've shared many a conversation about our families, interests, dreams, goals and cats. I am so happy for her and excited about the step she is taking. Many things of where I am personally and at work tell me that this will be a good a time for me to make some changes even as I stay at the job.

So, I am trying to stay focused on the positive things in the future for my friend and for me. But I find myself having to fight off distracting thoughts, such as:
-- where I am after what will be 30 years at my job if I make it to September (I've been a reporter, assistant department editor and religion editor, among other things, but sometimes now I think of myself as "just a copy editor," although I strive to be the best I can and do think the job is very important);
-- how inadequate I seem at developing and maintaining lasting friendships, at work or anywhere else (I have lots of people whom I care about and they care about me, but none that I ever just hang out with for a meal, shopping or a movie);
-- whenever someone as good at her job as my friend leaves, it's harder than some people admit to fill that void. So, at least for the short term, things will be more hectic than ever. And because of the roles she filled, it's possible there will be changes ahead in how things are done, and that's always stressful for me.

So, again, I've been working hard to keep those stressful thoughts at bay and to focus on my trust in God to show me the way in whatever is ahead. By faith, I can be open to change and confident that God will not only equip me for the work but also give me His peace and presence. And with that, I pray, will come a positive, cheerful, grateful attitude.

The second bit of information in the past week that has teased my mind to wander is learning that Whaley Memorial United Methodist Church, the church I grew up in and have maintained ties to, is having its 125th anniversary this year. The timing is interesting as I've become constantly more aware in recent years of how much that church means to me. I blogged about it just last weekend. For some reason, the big anniversary year gives me a sense of urgency to not miss the chance to be a part. One of the things I realized is that I don't even remember being aware of the church's centennial, even though I was married at the church five years earlier and have always attended at least a few times each year when my husband and I visited our parents. (I would have been 28 at the time of that anniversary.) It also brings a few troubling thoughts about why I don't feel more at home at the church where I am a member now. Maybe it's because the reason I feel so much a part of Whaley is my family, and I don't have that as much where I am a member now; it's just me and occasionally my husband -- no connection to grandparents, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews or children of my own there. As with work, I have many people there whom I care love and care about, and they love and care about me. But that same character weakness or whatever that keeps me from really having friendships elsewhere is very present in my church relationships.

Anyway, both of these exciting things have piqued my interest this week. That't not bad in itself. Much of the thinking has been productive and positive. But I have to be vigilant not to get lost in the thoughts of the past or future, especially if those thoughts bring anxiety or regret. Only in the present -- God's presence -- do I find peace and the wisdom to know and the power to do His will.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye." Psalm 32:8

"The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace." Psalm 29:11

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." Psalm 46:1-2

My Super Sunday

2012-02-05T19:32:00.000-08:00

The big event of my Super Bowl Sunday was a large gathering of family and friends for the baptism of my great-niece Madison Jean at early worship at Whaley United Methodist Church in Gainesville, Texas.

Baptisms in which young ones are initiated into the Christian family are always special and cherished and blessed events, but so many aspects of this day made it even richer for me. Part of that may have even come from the realization of having missed these moments with soon-to-be 7-year-old Ami and soon-to-be 3 Heidi at the same church.

But I think the biggest part for me was just such a strong thankfulness to God for the legacy of my churchgoing family. My siblings and I have strong roots at Whaley, where Mom and Dad became members when I was just a young thing. Daddy's parents went there, and it's where we celebrated their lives and his when they passed on. My husband, Gene, and his parents also were longtime members there, although I didn't really know them until after Gene and I met in college. Before Gene's parents died and as my parents aged, I became more and more grateful to God for the church and the love of its people.

And one of the neatest things that has happened is that my oldest sister, Becky, still goes there, and so does her oldest daughter and husband and their two girls. And most recently Becky's daughter-in-law, Brandi, began attending. And it's Brandi's daughter who was baptized. Becky's husband, Tom, and Madison's dad, Danny, are both Catholics, but all attended with many extended family members and friends of various faiths. It was Communion Sunday at Whaley, which in the Methodist church is an open table for all seeking God's grace. And most of those attending did partake.

Then the group gathered for one of the meals that is becoming a family tradition for celebrations at the favorite Smokehouse barbecue restaurant. I have so many pleasant memories of that back room being noisy with conversation, and how it quickly quietens as the food is served, only to pick back up as plates are cleared. Many hugs and smiles and much love are shared along the way.

The only negative for me today was a lot of missed photo opportunities. We let one chance go at church (I wanted a picture of all of Mom's family with Whaley ties), and the next one never really happened. But it's hard to interrupt all that talking and visiting to line up for pictures. So we'll just have to treasure the pictures in our minds. Among mine:
-- Brandi and Danny presenting their precious Madison to be baptized. Brandi also officially transferred her membership to Whaley.
-- My beautiful mom, looking radiant in red, accompanied by her six children: Becky, Barbie, Mike, Pat, Kathy and Amy. And certainly I'm not the only one who strongly felt Daddy's presence with us. (I feel it especially at Communion at Whaley, knowing he made a point of partaking on the final Sunday he was able to attend.)
-- Even with that crowd, Mom took her brother, John, to Sunday school, and Amy and I went, too. I feel so at home and loved among those Christian Thinkers!
-- It's always such a delight to see the other great-nieces and their parents, Emily and Brian, who go to Whaley. Ami and Heidi are full of energy, and you never know what they will say or do.

I've written all these words, and they do not begin to capture what all I am trying to express. But maybe the words will help stir the memories in our hearts as we look back -- and as we go forward.

I thank God for every moment and pray that the family will always treasure this rich heritage and that we will live, love and serve to His glory.

Perils & payoffs of passion (Looking back at January 2012)

2012-01-31T11:29:00.000-08:00

This first month of 2012 has been quite a process. In some ways, I feel as if I've made a lot of progress in some important areas. But progress seems to take so much effort, and doubts creep in as to whether I'm on the right track and whether it's worth it.

Perils of passion:
Early this month, someone brought to my attention a mistake in the newspaper
where I work, and asked, How could that happen? I wondered the same thing and, even though it was Saturday, decided to send an email that ultimately suggested a correction be made. Unfortunately, mixed in with my suggestion for a correction were a tone and some words in which I took the side of someone outside the paper instead of one who works there. (The mistake was that the Singing ChurchWomen of Oklahoma were called the Singing Church Ladies of Oklahoma. I wondered how someone couldn't question that, since it made me think of a "Saturday Night Live" skit, which could be considered offensive.) I will say I was reminded when I returned to work many of the reasons someone might not question that. And the most important thing I was reminded of was that this still is an area in which I struggle. I try so hard not to make mistakes, to the point of it making me slow at my work. And I do still make mistakes. But it's hard for me to imagine that I would not have questioned that. I question things constantly at work. I consider it my job. Even so, I need to watch my tone when I respond to the mistakes of others. It brought back to mind the time a superviser described me in an employee evaluation as "offputting." I laugh now, but that was such a shock and insult to me at the time to think someone could describe me like that. But even then, the bottom line seemed to be that I expected too much of people at work and wasn't diplomatic enough in working with others. The funny thing about that is when I think of what I might have been like had I not TRIED so hard to be diplomatic. I really did and do try, even in the deal this month!

Payoff of passion:
One of my dear sweet Facebook friends posted about a relationship change, and it caused me some fear that she might react with some unhealthy choices. I wanted to respond, but I was hesitant to do so. I don't want to meddle, etc. But I did send a positive, encouraging and honest message. And I prayed and prayed. It's another extremely fine line of knowing whether to express anything or how much; what I hear a lot of people say is that they hold back because they don't want to interfere. But my heart sometimes says I just must. And eventually, and so far, there has been a good response. I continue to lift this dear one up in prayer and am trusting she will find her best path.

Perils of persistence?
As I continue to try to make a habit of chewing less gum (that sounds funny was I read it); not be obsessed with certain tv shows; type on my iPhone with my thumbs instead of my left index finger; spend quiet time daily in prayer and meditation (rather than praying as I go, whether while lying in bed, pedaling on my exercise bike, walking down the hall or showering), I can't help but wonder whether it's just a new way of self-obsessing. Yesterday's reading in Jesus Calling said: "Whatever occupies your mind the most becomes your god." Immediately I was convicted. What do I think of most? Me! How embarrassing. I'd already done some prayerful soul searching about this and continue to do so. Right now, I still think God is leading me on the path of developing these more positive disciplines so that I will be freed from some of the bad habits and have more time and energy to love and serve God and others. But today's reading makes me take another look at that, as it suggested: "Instead of assessing your energy level and wondering about what's on the road ahead, concentrate on staying in touch with Me (Jesus)." The focus this month has been on trusting Jesus. On Jan. 4, the suggestion was to learn a new habit. "Try saying, 'I trust You, Jesus,' in response to whatever happens to you." And I've turned to that often.

Power of prayer:
And I turn to it now. Toward the end of the month, I've felt discouraged that some of these positive changes still don't come naturally. They take more time and effort than I think they should. Have they become idols? But again I am reinforced by Scriptures that God gives me as I spend quiet time with Him each morning (and the purring cat He places on my lap). They remind me God gives me all the strength and energy and direction and grace and guidance and love and more than I could ever even think I need or would ask for. He does it through the love of family and friends and the kindness of strangers. And His concept of time is not mine.

Today, I asked Him: Are you directing me to try to fix some things with me (discipline of gum, soap operas, blog, prayer time, etc.) or is this my will and another crutch? I believe You are leading me, Lord. I trust You to correct me if I am going astray. My hope is You. My prize is You. I pray to know and do Your will, Lord, one moment at a time, in all things, to Your glory.

Glad It was just a dream

2012-01-29T19:53:00.000-08:00

For the second time in recent months (since the paper sold), I dreamed this week that I was laid off. Both times it was so vivid. Both times it was clear it was just a business decision and that I have no control over such things.

So far, and fortunately, my dreams tend to reflect past experiences and situations more than what's coming. They provide reminders not to put my faith in earthly things. They affirm my need to pray, without ceasing, to know God's will, work hard (anyway), show love, seek justice, praise God and trust God.

Here I go again ... (oops, using fingers again!)

2012-01-22T21:13:00.000-08:00

I guess it's time for this ol' cat to learn a new trick. It seems a strong possibility now that just more than a year of using my left index finger to type on my phone is starting to cause problems.

I think I noticed the more frequent numbness in my index finger first. My fingers have always occasionally gotten a little numb when it's cold. But they rebounded pretty quickly. This winter, it happens more often -- and it's harder to get it back to normal, especially my left index finger. And when it happened again yesterday, I took my gloves off and looked for the first time in good light. The top part of that finger was colorless. Pretty freaky. I massaged it back into shape and vowed to make the change that has never worked for me before: using my thumbs to type on my phone.

So far, it's extremely difficult and frustrating. I've lost some posts I was trying to edit, and I'm constantly having to back up and try again. So, it's taking forever.

I realize it's quite possible these tiny keyboards aren't intended for essays such as blog posts. But the phone makes it so easy to just start writing when the thoughts come, such as sitting in the reclined with the cat on my lap, or even when I'm pedaling on my exercise bike.

Perhaps if it were just the numbness when it's cold I wouldn't be concerned. But I've also started having some pain in my left wrist. I've managed to avoid carpel tunnel symptoms in about 30 years of computer work. I'd hate to start having problems due to a supposedly smart phone.

So, I am trying the thumb method. I may already feel positive results in my hand, if not in my ability to type like this. My daily devotionals continue to offer words and Scriptures that affirm and encourage me along this path of making changes that weeks if not days ago still seemed impossible. And that gives me hope that I'll follow up on an even bigger step I know I need to take.

From today's reading: Don't waste energy regretting the way things are ... Start at the present moment -- accepting things exactly as they are -- and search for My (the Lord's) way in the midst of those circumstances.

Until now ... And henceforth

2012-01-15T20:28:00.000-08:00

-- Staying mostly in bed and not leaving the house from Friday night until Monday morning last weekend probably really did help me get over a cold faster. It is amazing, though, how tired I still was after spending that much time in bed and/or sleeping and doing nothing.

-- It was great to be back to a weekly meeting I missed last Saturday and church today.

-- As I've mentioned before, on Dec. 21, I made a decision to cut my gum consumption by half, which, as I said at the time, is no small thing for me. Even as I still struggle to keep that commitment in the fourth week, I've added another, prompted by the same strong inner feeling I had about the gum. This one is to quit recording a soap opera and making time to keep up with it. Sounds simple, right? But I guess I'm one of those people that trying to cut back or cut out makes me think I want it more. I have to remind myself every day why I made each decision and why it is worth keeping the commitment to myself. One day at a time is important to remember.

-- I have made some changes in my diet along with the gum. I think overall it's healthier. It's still a work in progress.

-- Oh, yes: The 28-year-old dishwasher quit working Friday night. A lot of people I know would have gone right out on Saturday and bought a new one. We'll actually try to fix ours. Trying to keep old appliances out of the landfill as long as possible, I suppose. And they just don't make things like they used to. Meanwhile, I feel solidarity with Mom and others I know for whom washing dishes by hand is no big deal.

-- I responded passionately to three different things this weekend. I shared insights in writing to make sure people in certain situations were aware of possible mistakes or other options. The world and society sends a lot of messages that seem to say people should mind their own business. And you certainly have to not show emotion! But something within me requires me to express. And so I pray, and usually write, rather than speak. And I trust God with the results.

-- On this 15th day of 2012, I'm mostly feeling positive and hopeful and as if progress is occurring. I'm grateful for that. The new morning prayer routine sitting in a comfortable chair and using the Jesus Calling devotional and A Praying Heart journal starts my day with peace. So many good insights from Scripture. I am learning to say daily and believe: I trust You, Lord.

As the bishop said when he preached at our church today, from 1 Samuel 7:12, up until now, God has been with us and blessed us. And we can have faith that He will continue to be with us and bless us. (But it helps if we start out right from the top, as he shared from his lesson as a 7-year-old who had some trouble with his first beloved button-front shirt.)

Blessings/lessons while sick

2012-01-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

It is really hard for me to stay home just because I don't feel good. It would help if, by staying home, I got better sooner. But I'm not sure that's the case. I guess I should also consider the germ factor: People probably are glad am not out there spreading them!

Bridget is enjoying me being here.
When she rests so contentedly and purring on my lap, the delight and rightness I feel makes me imagine how God feels when I stop and rest in His Presence.

Lessons/blessings from being sick:
--Different sense of dependence on God. One of my new devotionals for the year has suggested I learn to say, in all things: "I trust You, Jesus." It doesn't come easily. It is amazing how much it has helped when I do.
--I'd rather praise God for keeping me well. I'm glad I know to praise Him for keeping me even when I'm sick.
--Gene is over his health maladies (including last weekend's cold I probably caught), so he can make drug and grocery runs for me.
--Stocking up my gum bank; unexpected answer to one of my odd needs.

I still struggle to understand why I will miss church and 12-step meetings with cold symptoms, but am less likely to stay home from work. (I worked Friday even though Gene would not let me come see him in the hospital; he didn't want me to infect the sick people.) I think it's because they don't "need" me as much at church and OA. I need them. But we really feel it at work when someone is gone. And I can work. I just don't feel great. (And I keep Germ-x with me at all times.)

Now that I think about it, it's somewhat new for me to actually stay home from the OA meeting and church without worse symptoms. Maybe it's a result of me praying more intentionally and seeking God's wisdom and presence. It's still too early to know for sure. I know I hope I wake up in the morning feeling so much better that there's no question about whether I should go to work. I still think that is possible.

Until then and always: "I trust You, Jesus."

Inspiration at the start of 2012

2012-01-01T21:01:00.000-08:00

Psalmcat 52:1.1.12

On New Year's Eve, I wrote down three thoughts for 2012: Keep it simple. Keep it spiritual. Let God lead.

So, today the year began, and it didn't seem much like a holiday. Gene spent most of the day in bed with a cold or more, and Bridget still can't keep much food down. (I think it's hairballs.) I thought we would have Communion to start the new year at church; instead, we had a guest speaker so the preacher could travel with his family. (The guest did a superb job.) And the person who was supposed to do special music could not sing today.

I really struggled not to overeat and overchew. Gene being sick in bed didn't help. I did cook us a meal of ham, black-eyed peas, salad and crescent rolls. I knew he didn't have much appetite or taste, but eating black-eyed peas is a tradition for us. Here's to a healthy and prosperous 2012.

More vital to the success of the year, however, will be what I finally started tonight. I bought my own copy of Jesus Calling, a daily devotional book Mom received after Daddy died. "Come to me with a teachable spirit, eager to be changed." That's how it started today, with reference to one of my favorite Scriptures, Jeremiah 29:11. The devotionals are designed to help the reader be open to and experience God's presence.

I also started a daily devotional prayer journal I received for Christmas. The two books are not related, but if the first day is an indication, they will complement and enhance each other. The Scripture reference there was The Message version of "Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me." And it also led me to re-examine Psalm 139:23-24 -- "Search me, oh God, and know my heart ... and lead me in the way everlasting."

I also want to share this, from Debbie Hazen Bennett, a cousin of my friend Susan. I was just going to pass along excerpts, but it is so real and resonant as written that I will not change anything. So, with this, just thank You, God, for another day to live and learn to serve You in grace and love.

12 things that I wish I had known at 25 ~ Or more accurately, 12 things that, had I put them into action, would have made my life a lot easier. Some are bits of advice that wisdom figures have told me and took years to sink in. Others are the result of some hard knocks. A few are insights from the great spiritual masters that I've adapted for my own life. Maybe a few will help someone you know who's 25. Maybe one or two will help you.
1. First up: Stop worrying so much! It's useless. (I.e. Jesus was right.)
2. Being a saint means being yourself. Stop trying to be someone else and just be your best self. Saves you heartache.
3. There's no right way to pray, any more than there's a right way to be a friend. What's "best" is what works best for you.
4. Remember three things and save yourself lots of unneeded heartache: You're not God. This ain't heaven. Don't act like a jerk.
5. Your deepest, most heartfelt desires are God's desires for you. And vice versa. Listen. And follow them.
6. Within you is the idea of your best self. Act as if you were that person and you will become that person, with God's grace.
7. Don't worry too much about the worst that can happen. Even if it happens, God is with you, and you can handle it. Really.
8. You can't force people to approve of you, agree with you, be impressed with you, love you or even like you. Stop trying.
9. When we compare, we are usually imagining someone else's life falsely. So our real-life loses out. I.e. Compare and despair.
10. Even when you finally realized the right thing, or the Christian thing, to do, it can still be hard to do. Do it anyway.
11. Seven things to say frequently: I love you. Thank you. Thank you, God. Forgive me. I'm so happy for you! Why not? Yes.
12. Peace and joy come after asking God to free you -- from anything that keeps you from being loving and compassionate.

Sweet Music of Life, 2011

2011-12-31T19:42:00.000-08:00

As I turn the page past another December,
I'm grateful to take time to remember
Rich blessings of family, friendship and spirit
Sweet music of life: To hear it! To share it!

I'm not going to take time to rehash the year's precious memories. Most if not all were addressed along the way. But I felt the need to write a few words before I do some last-minute work to wrap up a few 2011 details that will help give the new year a fresher start.

One of the things I had jotted down but not yet shared is a year-end accomplishment that gives me hope for the future. After wanting to do so for several months if not years, on Dec. 21, I committed to cut my gum consumption by half -- which is probably still more than anyone else in the world chews. And surprisingly, I've chewed less than my allotted maximum several days. And there have been some very positive health aspects. For anyone who has never had a habit get out of hand, this probably seems like no big deal. But I was hooked. It was on a prayer list of things I wanted to change, most of which still seem impossible. The thing that pushed me to action on this was noticing again just how much I was spending on gum. Why all of a sudden I was able to make the change, I do not know. But I credit God. I began by trying to get through just one day, then one work day, and then one shopping day. Each new situation seemed impossible. But I just kept praying and recommitting and focusing on the positive results. I don't know that it's getting easier, but my awareness of the benefits stays strong.

Also strong is my sense of hope that if I can finally, with God's help, do this seemingly minor thing but impossible thing, maybe the next goal for self-improvement will be possible.

I feel this change is part of the slow but sure growth of my faith. Much of the growth this year came through experiences related to the health and eventual death of my Dad. I got to find out whether my faith is real and rooted; I found that it is, but I know I must continue to nurture it by reading the Bible, studying, and spending time in worship, service and fellowship with others seeking to follow Christ. (I just realized I want to buy my own copy of a devotional book my Mom received; I like the thought of reading the same Scriptures and meditations she sees each day.)

That parenthetical realization made me think of one other thing I want to include, but it may be too personal involving other people. How can I summarize it? An email exchange among loved ones after Christmas warmed my heart and just made me want to praise God. Why does it take what seems like adversity for people to realize how blessed they are? Some never do, so my heart rejoices whenever people I love make the grateful choice to see beyond material things.

That's all of my words to share here for now. I need to tackle those tasks, accompanied by sweet music and memories of life.

Christmas in transition

2011-12-28T12:29:00.001-08:00

I'm back in Norman after a very nice Christmas weekend with family in Texas. Thanks to all who joined along in singing (and playing) songs of the season! And oh the food and smiles and hugs and love. Sweet music of life -- to hear it, to share it and to praise God for it.

It was our first Christmas without Daddy physically among us on Earth. There still weren't any public tears that I was aware of, and not much discussion of our thoughts since Daddy's passing. To me, it seems people would rather not talk about it. I was aware we didn't do a family picture. No one mentioned it that I heard. I thought of it but didn't want to be the one to bring it up. I do have a sense that late August was our Christmas, and we took lots of pictures then.

As I prepared for the weekend, one of the things I tried to recall was what our mindset as a family was last year. It was after Daddy's lung surgery. As far as we knew, the surgery was a success and he was cancer-free. I think the sense was overwhelming gratitude that he had come through everything so well and that we were together for another Christmas as a family. All of the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren were there. I don't recall any thoughts that it might be our last Christmas together, other than just as part of our fresher reality that we won't all be here forever. And then when the 3-6 months prognosis after an inoperable liver cancer diagnosis came in last August, it still seemed hard to fathom Daddy wouldn't be here this Christmas. That was still the case for me the first week of October. But by the last week of October, it was clear that God's, and Daddy's, gift to the family would be for Daddy's suffering to end and our new reality to begin.

And for me, some of what Christmas is all about was stronger in my heart, knowing that God's gift of His son is why we don't have to fear death -- our own or those of our loved ones who put their faith in Him. Daddy was certainly in good company for his first Christmas in heaven.

Anyway, I'm still trying to find my way on when and where it is appropriate to really talk much about Daddy and honor his memory. Among ways today: Memorial donations and words on a blog.

Meanwhile, life goes on. I was grateful to attend the Christmas Eve communion and candlelight service at Whaley in Gainesville with Gene, Mom and Amy. Then Gene and I went to McKinney to spend the night and Christmas Day with Gene's sister, Mae, and her son, Michael, joined later by his significant other, her son and their hyper chihuahuas. And somehow there was still time for a Christmas night visit to see Mom and those staying at her house. And of course Monday with Mom and my siblings and their families and extended family and friends is always time to treasure that ends too soon. Grateful for memories -- and pictures!

I caroled every chance I got, including on Facebook. I enjoyed that we did sing Christmas songs -- spiritual and seasonal -- before opening presents Monday.

I don't know what I expected for this Christmas. I know it turned out good. God's presence seems more real to me than ever. I pray to live in a way that I never lose that.

Happy birthday, Jesus. Thank you, God. I pray to reflect Your love and live to Your glory.

I guess it's time -- smiling through tears

2011-12-23T10:20:00.000-08:00

Well, the tears are becoming more frequent. They are mostly while I am alone, praying, writing or just thinking. Today's were prompted by a bit of frustration with Christmas preparation, realizing another thing I'd forgotten to take care of, combined with a warm memory about my Dad and a nativity scene I'm pretty sure he wanted me to have. And they are truly still tears of joy and gratitude -- but of course also sadness and loss.

Sadly as for what it says about my vanity, one of the most frustrating things about tears and weeping is that even if I do it privately, the effects of a puffy face and itchy, tired eyes are very public.

So, if you notice my swollen face and eyes or see me crying, understand that I truly do feel joyous and blessed. Those feelings warm me so deeply inside.

As I've expressed many times, smiling through tears produces beautiful prisms, like sunshine or light blazing through water or rain. They are beautiful. They represent beautiful memories and blessings and gifts from God.

And, of course, God's greatest gift is His Son, Whose birth we celebrate at Christmas. That's why I know that even if I cry or my face is puffy or I have a moment of self-pity, God is with me/us. Emmanuel. Joy, joy, JOY TO THE WORLD! The Lord is come!

A gift from the Father to a daughter of the Psalmist's son

2011-12-20T11:54:00.000-08:00

Faith. Hope. Love. And the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)

Faith is very, very important, though. In recent days, I have been increasingly grateful that God and Daddy (Charles Davidson, whose surname makes me think of him as the Psalmist's son, and me as a daughter of the Psalmist's son) gave me a gift of greater faith.

Pray. Believe. Have faith. Trust. Obey.

I am having to rely heavily on faith as I face Christmas. I fear I will cry at any time. I often feel I am on the verge of tears. A few come, such as when I called to talk to Mom this morning. But not many have flowed. (Yet.) I am reminded I can have faith that's OK if and when the tears flow. And what if I don't cry? That's OK, too.

Monday I was starting to feel resentful about how some things are going at work and in relationships, especially with regard to Christmas expectations. I finally had to step back and just pray some more. God gently reminded me that I still am very much in the process of grieving. Holidays have been a complex mix of eager spiritual anticipation and earthly stress for me for many years, and of course they are more so this year, so soon after Daddy's Oct. 30 death. God was able to help me trust again that He is in charge, guiding me and loving me and strengthening me and comforting me.

Part of this is related to thoughts I've been journaling about for awhile: Yes, but ... What if?

How many times will God have to show me before I really believe? First came Daddy's summer 2010 diagnosis, fall 2010 surgery, new diagnosis in August 2011 and eventual amazingly sudden and smooth passing; and seeing so many ways in which God sustained Daddy and Mom and the family. In the weeks since Daddy's death, Mom has had some health issues, and again we see over and over how God has taken care of her and continues to do so.

But as Mom has had her health scares and things keep working out smoothly, my thoughts have touched at least briefly on situations where that isn't the obvious result. What about the death of 5-month-old nephew Ryan all those years ago, uncle Joe's desperation, Josh's dad, 9/11 and other unexplainables .... people who died too soon, unexpectedly and/or alone.

For today, the message God seems to be giving me is that it's not what happens but how we react that matters most. Daddy reacted in simple faith. Mom reacts in simple and strong faith. I am grateful to be surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1), on earth and in Heaven -- people who have chosen faith in God. And I can choose faith, too. What a gift!

Seeking to sleep in heavenly peace on Earth

2011-12-18T19:14:00.000-08:00

OK, what is up with this? Some time ago, the preacher acknowledged being an insomniac, and now the choir director is experiencing episodes of sleepless nights.

I am not an insomniac. I do sometimes have trouble sleeping. And I can remember times when it was much worse.

Somewhere along the way, I found that, for me, I'm usually better off staying in bed and resting rather than deciding I might as well get up and do something, or maybe deciding that reading, watching TV, getting on the computer or Facebook or listening to music will help me doze off. Those may work for some people, but they just seem to stimulate me and make it harder to calm my mind and go to sleep. (However, it does seem something different would be at play if I used the time when I can't sleep to clean house, write letters or some other productive rather than mindless pursuit. But few people choose those routes when they can't sleep. Very seldom have I.)

I'm not sure where I learned this. It may have been along the 12-step path of recovery. I just know I've come to believe that, most times, God provides the rest I need if I stay in bed; pray and keep as positive thoughts as possible (counting my blessings helps); try not to worry -- especially about not being able to sleep; and keep my body as relaxed and comfortable as possible.

Part of my prayer is for faith to believe this is true: I pray for faith to believe that God will provide the rest and strength and energy I need -- or He will provide other options regarding what I thought had to be done that I can't do for lack of sleep.

This also has helped me stay calmer when I'm unable to sleep because of sickness or pain.

This is one of those insights that I'm hesitant to share, for fear it will quit working, and then I'll not only be unable to rest, but I'll feel foolish for having thought I had an answer and written about it. But that's the old fear. Faith says I can feel free to share it -- and trust that it will continue to work for me or that God will show me a new way.

I trust God to give me the rest, peace and strength I need.

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee." Isaiah 26:3
("You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You.")

Signs that are making me wonder

2011-12-12T17:28:00.000-08:00

Signs are making me wonder ...

I seem to be getting a lot of signs that it's time for me to take a break from caring about sports.

--The Aggie football season; A&M's departure from friendly -- or at least, for me, convenient -- confines of the Big 12; and coach replacement. None of these make me feel optimistic about fun-to-watch games ahead.

--Dallas Cowboys are doing what Texas Aggies did all season. Finding ways to snatch defeat from victory. Their latest collapse Sunday is what got me to really thinking I need to take a break from caring about sports. But there's more ...

--Albert Pujols of the Cardinals' traded to the Angels, and the Rangers' CJ Wilson going there, too, doesn't make me feel good about Rangers' chances for a return to the Major League Baseball playoffs, much less the World Series. It seemed like this past year was theirs, where things were lined up -- and they missed the mark. Things that started rolling against them in the series continue.

--Mavericks. Chandler leaving. Barea leaving. Butler leaving. The lockout. But the NBA champions' core stays solid -- Dirk, Kidd and Coach Carlisle, so ... I have my greatest hope here. They did pretty well under the radar last year, after all. And besides that, I have two teams I like in this pro sport. (The Thunder are fun to watch and get a lot of good press in the hometown.) Should be fun, but I would do well not to get too caught up in it.

--Aggie women. The defending NCAA women's basketball team hasn't fared too well against good teams so far this year. More evidence that when you get your big chance, like they did last year, it's so important to do what it takes to go all the way.

There's also something to be said about being the underdogs. None of the experts really ever gave the Mavericks or the Aggie women any hope of being champions until they just won it on the court.

--Aggie men's basketball. They lost their coach to a supposedly better team, and the new coach was diagnosed in the summer with Parkinson's. I have no idea what to expect here.

Maybe these really are just signs that I need not focus too much on winning. Why can't I just enjoy the games? I need to find a balance. I want to enjoy and care but not let it affect my mood. I don't know if that's possible for me, but it seems like a worthy goal for me.

Shout the Good News! (formerly: Priorities, procrastination. FOCUS!!!! on what?)

2011-12-05T11:27:00.000-08:00

It's blog deadline, but I don't really have a topic or time. I need/want to be practicing the Christmas cantata. So, maybe I'll combine the two. Ah! Song 1, "Shout the Good News!" Now I'm revved up!

This year's cantata, "Shout the Good News!" has seven songs, no solos. The arrangements are beautiful and include some variations on carols, but as usual, I can tell I'll be much more comfortable if I take time in addition to choir rehearsal to make sure I know my part. As of last Wednesday, I was not able to sing with much confidence, often stumbling over words or notes. I can tell this run-through has helped. Maybe this week I'll be ready! And by the time we sing it for worship on Dec. 18, it will be pure joy!

I'm also working on "Gesu Bambino" for early service this Sunday. I know this by heart, but I still take time to practice in hopes that the sound that comes forth will be the best I can do for God. Singing a Christmas solo is a highlight of the season for me, and this is one of my favorites. When Christmas falls on Sunday, there's one less Sunday for a traditional hymn- and special music-filled worship service. I'm glad to have the opportunity to sing at early service. It's been a while since I've been able to schedule it.

As far as the blog headline, I put those original words (Priorities, procrastination, FOCUS!!! on what?) up there as I was trying to think of something to write. I am so aware of not being focused, and that sure makes it easy to procrastinate. For those few moments just now, it was very worthwhile to focus on the message of Christmas through the songs of the cantata. Beyond that, I'm still struggling.

Since Thanksgiving, I've found myself finding excuses not to do more than I've actually said yes to. Why didn't I go to the Hanging of the Greens service? How many parties have I missed? That's a recipe for regret that I hope not to have to taste. I continue to pray to know and do God's will. Help me not find an excuse to skip caroling or other opportunities to be involved in moments of the season that combine joy, fellowship and outreach to those in need of even something as simple as a visit. Even as I pray, right this minute, I don't feel confident I'll make what seems to me to be the best choice. Somehow, I think I have to be OK with that, too. I know the alternative -- beating myself up for the way I am -- isn't very productive.

Maybe it's OK for me to "Shout the Good News!" of God's great gift of salvation through His son Jesus, even as I am so aware of my unworthiness to receive that gift. Because, as I understand it, on my own, yes, I am unworthy. But the very gift makes me worthy if only I will receive it. And so I will receive it and I will share it -- and I will trust God to shape my life to His glory.

Here's to Thanks-living!

2011-11-28T11:44:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is over, but thanks-living is not.
-- Terry L. Tramel, "The Pen of the Ready Writer"

I was going to post on my blog for Thanksgiving some of the great inspiration I found from family and friends on Facebook, but I didn't get it done. The above post showed up the day after Thanksgiving, and I saw there was still plenty of context for posting.

Many (most) of the inspiring messages and song lyrics actually were posted by Terry. Among them:

-- Apples of Gold - "Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving." (W.T. Purkiser)

-- Point to Ponder - "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." (William Arthur Ward)

-- Evening Praise - "For all that You've done I will thank You, for all that You're going to do; For all that You've promised and all that You are, is all that has carried me through, Jesus, I thank You...And I thank You, thank You, Lord, Thank You, thank You, Lord...Thank You for loving and setting me free, Thank You for giving Your life just for me, How I thank You, Jesus, I thank You, Gratefully thank You, Thank You..." (Dennis Jernigan)

-- Hymn of the Day - "For all the blessings of the year, for all the friends we hold so dear; For peace on earth both far and near, we thank Thee Lord...For life and health, those common things, which every day and hour brings; For home where our affection clings, we thank Thee Lord...For love of Thine which never tires, which all our better thought inspires; And warms our lives with heavenly fires, we thank Thee Lord." (Albert Hutchinson)

-- Point to Ponder - "When we bless God for mercies, we usually prolong them. When we bless God for miseries, we usually end them.". (Charles Spurgeon)

And this from friend Charleen Hudson:
-- I was standing at the kitchen sink after cleaning my oven and I see Cheridan standing in front of the TV dancing instead of cleaning her room. I was going to yell at her and go on a rant about how I really needed their help getting the house ready for tomorrow. Instead, I ripped of my gloves and joined her. I think I made a wise choice. I just hope I can keep this perspective all day.

From Jim Shepherd:
-- You can't be thankful without saying "Thank you." So thank you to all of my friends, old and new, who have embraced me and who have endured me, who have loved me and who have tolerated me, and who cared for me when I have been weak and who have whacked me when I have been stupid. Thank you! A faithful friend is one of life's greatest treasures. And I am thankful for you.

There were others, but these are the ones I saved. They are good reminders to me to live gratefully every day. And the reminder is timely as we are now in a time that for many Christians is observed as Advent, a time of spiritual preparation for the celebration of God's great gift of His Son, Christ, on Christmas, and right after that will come a new year, with so many temptations to set expectations too high.

So, here's the Thanks-living, one day at a time, every day, praying to be a reflection of God's mercy, love and grace.

So sad to see the Aggies SECede

2011-11-23T20:50:00.000-08:00

"Goodbye to Texas university. So long to the orange and the white." Texas A&M's swan song football season in the Big 12 has been disappointing for me. After starting in the preseason top 10, they've lost some close games, many of them heartbreaking occasions of snatching defeat from the hands of victory, squandering more than 20-point leads and fighting through four overtimes before coming up short.

And circumstances kept me from experiencing the Aggies' final visit to OU for the foreseeable future.

And now circumstances (work) will keep me from attentively watching the final conference showdown between A&M and Texas on Thanksgiving Day.

A big part of why I hate that A&M is leaving the Big 12 and heading to the Southeastern Conference is because I'll miss them being part of the local (Oklahoma City) sports coverage. Besides football, it's been fun to watch men's and women's basketball teams and baseball and softball play in Norman and Oklahoma City. How I will miss those visits.

For some reason, it didn't seem like the end of the A&M/Texas Thanksgiving rivalry would bother me that much. But as it's gotten closer, the reality is sinking in. Traditionalist that I am, I'm actually more saddened by the end of this rivalry than by the Aggies no longer being in the Big 12.

So far, I've done pretty well accepting that that's how life goes sometimes and it's not that big of a deal. I hope the price for that acceptance isn't detachment and aloofness.

I do still hope the Aggies "beat the hell outta t.u.," as the ever-popular yell says. Unfortunately, I'll still be sad about the end of an era and a proud tradition.

I have so many more thoughts and feelings about this and how it relates to real life, but as usual, if I wait until I can make enough sense of it to write it down, I never will. Maybe I'll update later.

Giving thanks -- and feeling peace

2011-11-20T20:39:00.000-08:00

Somewhere in the first week of November, I realized that several of my Facebook friends were making posts each day of the month stating something for which they are grateful. I've enjoyed reading along. I may try to do something like that next year. As it is, they have helped me look beyond the usual to see things each day for which I am grateful.

I say "look beyond the usual" because I realized on Saturday that gratitude has become an integral part of my daily life. At my 12-step meeting Saturday, I was able to think back clearly to when I didn't have such a deep-rooted sense of gratitude. For many years of my life, this was my predicament: I knew I was blessed. I could see blessings all around me. How could I not feel grateful and blessed? But for whatever reasons, I didn't. I wanted to feel grateful, but it was a longing, not a reality. Some of the 12-step literature reminded me of the process I went through to recognize things that blocked me from feeling grateful. Chief among them: resentment and self-pity, along with a heaping helping of depression. Again, I didn't intend to have those feelings/nonfeelings, but I did.

Through a lot of self-examination, prayer, working with others (some therapy and medicine helped, too), I guess I gradually developed a faith that helped me let go of the resentments and to trust God and to see and feel His very real presence and power in my life. And somewhere along the way, instead of just thinking I ought to feel grateful and wanting to feel grateful, I found myself feeling grateful and blessed, even when I didn't like a particular circumstance or outcome. I became able to see past a situation to focus on God and His love and presence. How could I not feel blessed? How could my heart not sing?

A result of that, for today, is a peace that truly surpasses my understanding. One of the spiritual networks I'm on includes a daily email. For the past week, it focused on Isaiah 26:3: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You." (Or, as it is in my mind from a song I once sang but don't still have the music for: "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.") I don't remember whether any of those messages made the connection between gratitude and peace, but as I sat in my meeting and was thinking of how an attitude of gratitude went hand-in-hand with letting go of self-pity, resentment and even depression, the awareness I had was that the result is peace. And I feel grateful for the peace.

What a wonderful cycle: Look for things for which to express gratitude to God, let go of self-pity and resentment, and feel God's peace. Look for and see more blessings all around (if you don't think you see any, one easy solution is to reach out and do something kind for someone), express gratitude to God, feel more peace -- and some joy, too!

My heart and soul continue to be filled with a warmth and peace that is beyond my understanding or ability to explain. All I can do is say thank You, God. Please help me keep my focus on You, to Your glory, during this particular season of Thanksgiving and always.

Lest I forget: Remembering Daddy, God's blessings

2011-11-14T09:49:00.000-08:00

Charles Baker Davidson
March 20, 1926 - October 30, 2011
Son, Brother, Husband, Father, Grandfather, Great-Grandfather

Nov. 2: The celebration of Daddy's life was just right. The church was filled with probably more than 200 people. A lot of those people were family, but there were also many, many friends.
The pastor has only been at Mom and Dad's longtime church (and the church I remember growing up in) since January, but he did a wonderful job of expressing Daddy's spirit and his legacy of family, faith, friends, farm and hard work. Chuck had really listened to Daddy in recent weeks and also to the family, and was able to celebrate his life fully and also share the message of Christ.
Emily read the family recollections of Charles, who he was and some of what he liked. Then I sang "Blessed Assurance." I didn't even remember until that night at Mom's that I changed the words to the final chorus, singing: "This is Dad's story, this is his song, praising our Savior all the day long." I actually looked at Daddy's picture some as I sang and when I finished. I am so grateful to have been able to do that. I didn't fall apart until the service was over, then collected myself in about five minutes or so.

There were so many people at the reception. I didn't even see some of them. Due to many requests, the pastor got the group to quiet down and I did sing the song Daddy in late August had said he wanted written and sung at the gathering after his service. Amy and I wrote it: "Charlie D's Farm." "Ol' Charlie D he had a farm, EIEIO ..." It was fun and very well-received, too. Amy's friends and Sally were among the insistent ones.

My prayer at the end of that day, or along the way: Lord, please help me remember and savor and acknowledge all of your love and grace to our family through these dear ones. I know you are raising us up. Please help me stay focused on You and to live to Your glory.

I have to keep reminding myself that the blog is a Web log, a place where I can record things, and if the first two years is an indication, easily return to them.

So, what is written above is pretty much the note I wrote myself that day. What follows are some of the other notes or reflections I made leading up to that day. Some of it is very personal, so don't feel obligated to keep reading. Again, I don't trust my memory, and writing helps me remember. Possibly it will help others, also, either remember or to make their own kind of notes of those special moments they want to be sure not to forget. (I'm a bit envious of those who don't have to write everything down. I have to remind myself that God created me exactly the way I am, and just tresure the blessing of that.)

Nov 1: I don't even know where to start. From a friend: In very clear ways, a testimony to his life. Psalm 128:3.

Oct. 30: Daddy's gone to heaven. 10/30/11

Mom, Becky and I found out while we were in church. Mom's sister Sally and grandson Brian were with Daddy.
On that long (20-minutes?) drive home from church, the Christian radio station played great songs. The one that really caught my attention and made me prismy (smiles through tears) was an enthusiatic arrangement of "When the Saints Go Marching In." I guess he made it! I had no doubt.

Daddy wanted Mom to go to church. I have to believe that. He told me that the week before. He knew that's where we were going.

Mom had forgotton her phone, and I had called on the way to church to give Brian my number in case they needed to reach us, even though we didn't think they would. I turned the ringer off. So neither I nor Emily (Brian's wife, sitting on the pew next to us) nor Becky (my sister, Emily's mom, driving in for Sunday School) heard our phones to get the calls or messages. Brian had to call sister-in-law Brandi and Emily's dad, Tom, for help, and Tom called the church and they got Becky and told her she needed to call Tom. Becky, Mom and I all had been visiting with people and having good fellowship at church. And then ... In an instant it all changed. I just hope and pray that Mom and Brian and Sally and I never lose faith that God was totally in control of the timing and situation.

Mom insisted on driving home. I was with her, which made it OK, I guess. The music on the radio was comforting. "You Raise Me Up" brought tears as we drove on the gravel and up the lane.

Daddy was so ready. I don't understand why it didn't work out for Mom to be there. I have to believe -- and I do -- that it was all in God's plan for Mom and Daddy and all of us. He is in heaven now. And he has no more pain. And he is reunited with the dear ones who have gone before, including Granny and Grandpa (his Mom and Dad), grandson Ryan, sister Ella Frances and in-laws including Joe and Bobby. But it's still so hard to let him go. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy, love, grace and compassion. We trust you to provide everything we need, now and in the days to come.

Other thoughts/notes about that day:
--Mitsi was on the bed on Daddy's legs as he breathed his last breath, and she got back up there before we got home. Mom didn't even notice her, but I did. That may have been just for me. Before we left, I had said to Daddy how I remembered him saying Mitsi wasn't his cat anymore since he couldn't take care of her. But I assured him he was definitely still her guy.

--It was Becky's birthday. I had just sang happy birthday to her at the church when we got the call. Mom said she hated that it happened on Becky's birthday. But Becky said she realized about two weeks ago it might happen, and when it did, she accepted it as a gift.

--The preacher came by while Becky and Emily and I went to the Dress Barn looking for something for me to wear and for me to buy her a present. So I missed that spiritual bit. But before the funeral home took Daddy's body after Mike got there around 4 pm, all of us who were there at the time, including many who were not when the preacher was there, gathered together, and I prayed. I'm very grateful to have been able to do that.

--It was important to Mike that Daddy's body still be there because when he left to return to Arkansas the day before, he or Daddy had said something about whether Daddy would be there when he came back. Daddy said he would be. Mike also sees why it was important for him to be with his family the night and the next morning to share the news.

--More such moments that I can write. I need to just turn off the light, recite the 23rd Psalm and trust God to hold me and these dear precious ones in the palm of his hand.

Oct. 23-29: Loving my Daddy
Sunday, Oct. 23: Sitting and talking quietly with him. Not avoiding the reality. Him feeling safe to say he knows his life on Earth is over for all practical purposes, and he hates how hard this time is for Mom and that he doesn't want her to wear herself out. He said he would rather not go to a nursing home, but he accepts that at some point that may be what needs to happen for Mom, and he wouldn't want to fight it. That's when he looked at me and said he knows his life is over. And he's OK with that. We talked about the ones who have gone before, and about how blessed and grateful our family is. He said he can't really think of anything he'd do differently in his life, but he doesn't think about that too much because you can't change the past anyway. I said that's right -- we can just live this moment and forward.
And I did what I'd been praying to be able to do: I sang "How Great Thou Art." And then without really planning to, I prayed with him. I prayed for God to just lift up Mom and Dad and our family and to guide and support us and help us live each moment to his glory and I don't even know what else, but it was from the heart.
I said I realize that it's possible the end will come and I won't be there with him at that time, and I think I'm OK with that. I know he won't be alone, and that I am with him in spirit.
Very grateful and blessed.
I love my Daddy so much.

More notes on that: I told him I hope and pray he doesn't have to go to a nursing home, but I'm glad he's realistic about the possibilities. Very good, intimate talk. That's when he said Mom needs to go to church when I or someone is there to stay with him.

God provided and blessed the moment. Grateful.

Sent to Mike very late on Saturday, Oct. 29, catching up since he headed back to Arkansas before I got there: I'm glad you were able to be there when you were. Things seem to be changing pretty fast. Who knows what's next. I'm very grateful for last Sunday morning when I had a good talk with Daddy, and he said a few things to me, too. Then I sang How Great Thou Art and prayed aloud, holding his hand. From what I see tonight, it's hard to realize that was just a week ago. Praying to know what to do to be most helpful to him and mom. Feeling pretty helpless, though.

For today, Nov. 14: Different people work through things different ways, and as I pray to know how to feel and process and move, God often seems to guide me to write (or sing) and just trust Him with the results. And so I share words, even if they are really just for me and God. I truly thought writing all of this would bring a flood of tears. It still brings a flood of feelings, but the tears are staying behind the surface, just misting the eyes. For now, I just keep rejoicing and praising God for the blessings and love He bestowed upon Daddy and our family.

Milestones, reminders, placeholders -- and hope

2011-11-11T10:17:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday was the second anniversary of That's the Spirit. I actually checked in October to see when I started it, knowing I was writing by November 2009, and thinking I would post something reflective for the anniversary. But even though I posted Nov. 4, the Nov. 5 anniversary wasn't on my mind. I didn't remember until my cousin Eric mentioned his blog's ninth anniversary earlier this week. Not that a blog anniversary is really anything worth mentioning. But those of you who have read along the way -- and especially those who have read from the beginning -- probably understand why it is worth mentioning for me. I hope and pray it is a tool and not a distraction. I believe that is true.

I had hoped the blog would evolve into sharp writing and clear observations by now. That hasn't happened. I accept that it is exactly what it is supposed to be today. I've stayed true to my original goals, and only once did I go eight days instead of seven without posting. Too many of these posts have been what I call placeholders, nothing more than checking in to say I met my deadline. But usually, even on those, I ended up putting together a word or two of hope and inspiration. And on those rare times when I did post something that seemed more worthwhile, I knew the act of checking in had played a part.

Technically, this is another placeholder. I have so many more important things I want and need to express. Part of me fears that the longer I wait the harder it will be. And another, hopefully stronger, part of me believes that when the time is right, I will write about those things. I am grateful for family, friends, Scripture, prayer and my relationship with Christ, all of which reassure me that where and who and how I am is blessed, even as I prayerfully strive to improve. God bless you all!

Happy Endings, Part 2

2011-11-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

When I wrote Happy Endings, Part 1 last week with the Rangers and Aggies most in mind, I was aware that at any time my dad could die of complications from liver cancer, although I didn't really think that moment was imminent. His last breath on Earth came Sunday morning, and of course the concept of happy endings grew in meaningful complexity.

I will write much more about my Daddy later. I've made a lot of notes but want to take time to reflect before sharing.

For now, I'm aware that there often are no endings; there are just transitions. Winning a World Series or NBA championship or Super Bowl may seem like a happy ending. But in very little time, teams, fans and commentators only care about the next win, not what happened in the past. I was hoping for a happy ending in terms of me maybe watching the Aggies play the University of Oklahoma in Norman on Saturday for the last time before A&M heads to the SEC. But it seems clear to me that if I didn't have to be there when Daddy took his last breath, I don't have to be at that game Saturday. There are many lessons for me in this and elsewhere if I will pay attention. Many potential areas of self-improvement have been revealed to me since my Dad's death. (But a dear friend also reminds me not to be hard on myself.)

Tonight I went to a premiere of a documentary about the life of Wayman Tisdale, a standout OU and NBA basketball player whose first love (outside faith and family) was music, and who had become a successful songwriter and musician on the bass guitar and an engaging concert performer before he died of complications from cancer in May 2009. I learned of the opportunity to attend this on Thursday while I was still in Texas with my family and surprised myself by saying I would go. Although I knew it would touch on some of the kinds of grief and loss my family is dealing with, I knew the sadness would be far surpassed by the inspiration and joy of Wayman's life, legacy and music. And so it was. My dad wasn't famous, but as they showed interviews of Wayman and others talking about Wayman's situation and how he faced it and had lived his life, it made me think of my dad in his much smaller realm of influence and the outpouring of love and friendship with which people responded to his life.

On the way home, I read that a faithful member of my church had also now died after a grueling battle with cancer. I immediately recalled having noticed his wife was one of the prayer team members who had prayed and signed a sympathy card for my family on Monday. There is another lesson and example I must take to heart and seek to learn from.

So, this starts as Happy Endings, Part 2. But it evolves into life goes on, day by day. It reminds me to live each day (and moment) as if it is the first -- and the last. Seek God's guidance; love, worship and serve Him -- part of which comes in loving and caring for people; and give Him the glory, thanks and praise.

Happy Endings, Part 1

2011-10-28T10:54:00.000-07:00

Watching Game 6 of the 2011 World Series, in which the Texas Rangers could have won the championship with a victory over the St. Louis Cardinals, I found myself realizing how natural it is to be drawn to a happy ending, whether in sports or life in general.

After so many chances to win last night, the Rangers came up short, with the Cardinals scoring a home run in the bottom of the 11th to win 10-9. So, there will be a Game 7 tonight. I'm worn out and I'm not even playing the game!

Isn't life like that, though? So many times it seems like I'm finally through the tough time and have achieved some accomplishment, and then there's another challenge. On to extra innings. This time, at least there's another chance for victory. (And, too, there was a happy ending for a lot of folks last night, just not the ones I wanted to see celebrating. Maybe that was their moment, and the one for Rangers fans will come tonight!)

In sports, as in life, and where I am today, is the realization that sometimes I have to redefine a happy ending. I need to be prepared to find the joy in what might seem to be an unhappy ending. Even so, in the case of the Texas Rangers in the World Series, now at game 7, I'm holding out hope for a championship!

There's a lot more to write on the broader subject -- the game of life -- whether the Rangers win or lose tonight. I'm aware of so many great moments with family and friends. It will be more fun though, if they win. Victory is energizing. Defeat is challenging. I'm up for whatever comes. Let's GO, RANGERS!

(P.S. I need to wrap this up, but I also want to add a spiritual component, which is very much a part of my journey. I will write it out later, but the Upper Room devotional had a timely message, and "Hymn of Promise," a song with which many of my Methodist friends are familiar, also is playing in my mind: "... unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.")

Let's go, Rangers!

2011-10-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

Tonight is blog deadline, and nothing is coming together. I have many ideas but none are ready to go without some focused thought -- and that's not happening when game 5 of the 2-2 World Series has the Rangers and the Cardinals tied 2-2 with the Rangers batting in the bottom of the eighth. Let's go, Rangers! More to come later in the week. So many wonderful moments of life, only slightly mirrored by exciting ball games!

No "Passages," but another good weekend

2011-10-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

Recently some of my best times have been on weekends, especially involving moments with my parents and family in Texas. But this past weekend in Norman was surprisingly good.

--Some long-needed quality time with my husband.
--12-step meeting: I had to persevere through a 45-minute traffic delay due to road construction, and since I was already running late, I just got there for about 10 minutes of the one-hour meeting. But many people stayed afterward to talk and catch up. I miss these meetings when I'm on the road so many weekends. It was uplifting and strengthening to be there.
--Some needed clothes shopping!
--Aggies win over Baylor (a higher-ranked team; that doesn't happen often anymore, it seems).
--Beautiful weather for a walk around the neigbhorhood pond on Saturday and Sunday. I tried to get Gene to join me, but our ideas of the best conditions for a walk just don't coordinate.
--A nice supper from the grill and microwave with Gene.
--Watching the Rangers win the American League Championship Series and earn their spot in the World Series for the second year in a row.
--Attending my home church and singing in the choir. As I've written before, I have two churches that I love attending and hate to miss either one -- Goodrich, where I'm a member in Norman, and Whaley in Gainesville, where I grew up and my parents are still members. An extra-special and inspiring thing at worship was to see my good friend Paul, who had a stroke late last year, and his wife make it to church together for the first time since then.

Part of what that reminds me is how, had things gone as I'd planned, I would have been in Texas this past weekend and in Norman the weekend before, and I would have missed seeing Paul's delightful smile. My plan was to avoid OU/Texas football traffic Oct. 8, and to use time during the weekend to go see the "Passages" exhibit of ancient Bibles and other pieces at the Oklahoma City Museum of Art before it ended Oct. 16. But after the Rangers made it to the championship series and I knew they'd be playing that Saturday night, I decided I wanted to go watch the game on TV with my Dad. I just don't know how many more opportunities I'll have for that -- between my Dad's health and not knowing for sure the Rangers would make it to the World Series. Even though rain delayed the game in Arlington, and Daddy and I only watched an hour together, it was nice to be there and keep him updated as the storms came to the Davidson hill. The Rangers pulled out the win right around midnight, right after Mom disconnected the TV because of lightning. The next morning, the parched farm was still enjoying a refreshing rain, so I stayed with Daddy while Mom when to church and to buy groceries. A few hours later, I entered the slow-moving mass of cars on Interstate 35 headed back to Norman/OKC after their big football game. Traffic was every bit the headache I feared -- and it was so worth it to have spent the time in Texas.

During this past week, I realized that "Passages," as wonderful an exhibit as it seemed to be from all I had read and heard, just wouldn't fit into my plans and priorities at this time, especially since I didn't have anyone to go with. I realized that doing things that connect me with friends and family is what I need right now. Looking back, I saw that, perhaps, my decision to attend a friend's sparsely attended book signing Oct. 8 was an example of that. And since I'd decided not to try to carve out time this past Saturday (Oct. 15) for "Passages," I had time to spend with Gene that morning. I can't do everything I want to, and sometimes it's hard to decide what to do, but it's amazing how, for now, things do seem to be unfolding in a divine way.

There are still some troublesome areas. Even with the stresses of work and my Dad's illness, about the only thing that has brought me to tears over the past few weeks is my beloved kitty who keeps peeing on the carpet. I think she's acting out over us being gone more and maybe just picking up on my stress. How do you reason with a cat? I love her so much, but nothing is seeming to work to solve this problem. Does God have answers even for this in my life? As I wrote on Facebook: I'm trusting Him for answers in the issue I just can't figure out. Grateful and blessed. The good far outweighs the seeming less-than, thanks to continued prayer to know and do God's will, including to feel the joy.

"Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees." Victor Hugo (as quoted in OA For Today). Part of the commentary: Often in the course of a day, I may think or act with a certain spontaneity, accepting virtually everything about life. That, to me, is a form of prayer ... Prayer allows me to like and enjoy life and to live without suffocating in guilt over past mistakes.

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, Who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him." James 1:2-6

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

Another sneaky deadline

2011-10-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

Deadline snuck up on me again. With my current work shift, I miss my morning walks around the neighborhood pond/lake, which had become a good time to let thoughts shape into insights, perspectives, inspiration, etc.

I am still struggling a bit not to feel and exhibit frustration, exhaustion, overwhelmedness (I don't think that's really a word), lethargy, depression or any number of other forms of negativity.

I've been meditating on Wednesday's passage from my John MacArthur "Truth for Today: A Daily Touch of God's Grace" devotional, and I have faith that it will help me get to where I need to be.

Here are some excerpts.

No chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness in those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:11)

Evaluating a trial as a joyful occurrence is something a Christian must discipline himself to do because joy is not the natural human response to troubles. He must make a conscious commitment to face each trial with a joyous attitude. ... When you see a trial coming, take on an attitude of joy that comes from anticipating the perfecting work the Lord will do through it. ... It is the joy of one who counts it a privilege to have his faith tested because he knows the testing will draw him closer to the Savior. ...

Among my present "trials" are work, my dad's health, my cat's behavior and many of my troublesome habits that I just haven't been able to change or get rid of. It seems like I'd been trying to face them with joy even before I read this, but I don't know that I've made much progress. But I have faith and hope that it will occur. That is my prayer and what I will continue to focus on and make a conscious commitment to.

Blessings from expressing faith through love

2011-10-06T19:43:00.000-07:00

This is one of those times when I have to ask myself: Is there really any value in honoring the self-imposed deadline to post something on my blog at least once every seven days? I have nothing compelling to express, and the only reason I am sitting here typing is because of the commitment I made to myself. I've made plenty of commitments to myself that I haven't kept, so why do I bother trying to keep this one, when I could be in bed instead? But here I am, trying to find something to write.

I thought something might develop around some of the things I've posted or read on Facebook or in devotionals this past week. And maybe it has ....

When it was time to return home after another very good weekend trip to see my parents and other family members, I found myself in new territory. I didn't want to leave. That's not the first time that's happened, but I really had trouble dealing with it. I just wanted to stay and be. And the thought of leaving made me want to cry. So I just sat there and stared out the window. And finally I did cry. But I was quickly reminded or given reason to wonder whether there was any value in crying. I tend to think there is value in letting the tears flow. But if everyone cried, nothing would get done, I suppose.

The dilemma I faced then and also after I returned home was trying to express positive thoughts and say positive things when I was really feeling very sad, tired, overwhelmed and confused. My husband has even more trouble dealing with my emotional outbursts than my mom does. After several attempts, I came up with this for my social and supportive network of Facebook: Let go and let God is so much easier for me to say than do! I've been trying to keep it positive -- about ready to give up. But what good would giving in to negativity do? None at all. It would do no good at all. And I think the response to expressing even that little bit of negativity -- but striving to find the hope -- helped. I slept better than I would have expected, and awoke much more hopeful than I expected.

One of my realizations was that for a person like me who has depressive tendencies, I must find ways to express the sadness, fear and other feelings that seem negative. It doesn't seem to work for me to just acknowledge them to myself and God and then put on a happy face. I'm a talker; I need someone to hear me, the happy as well as the sad. I need to identify and stay in close touch with those unconditional, supportive listeners. Not people who will let me sink into self-pity, but who will listen and offer bits of encouragement, affirmation or guidance that help so much.

One of today's Scripture references from my Upper Room devotional sums up where I want to be as I go forward: "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." (Galatians 5:6, NIV)

Daily to-do list built around the letter L

2011-09-29T11:38:00.000-07:00

--Love. It's a choice. It's an action. I choose to do it.
--Learn. Watch someone do something that seemed impossible. How does she keep going in the face of such difficult odds? How could he play through that pain? Surely I can keep working through my discomfort. By doing so, I learn that it's true.
--Let go. Whatever is driving me nuts, just let it go. If it at first I don't succeed in letting it go, do it again. Let it go. Let it go ...
--Let God. He will take those burdens if I will let him. But I also need to "let God" have my heart, my praise, my service, my thoughts, my words, my actions -- indeed, my very life!
--Laugh. If I don't think I can laugh, then at least force or even fake a smile. And then another. If it feels really stupid to do this, I can get out my camera phone and take a picture of that goofy smile and send it to some trusted friend or loved one. It probably won't be long before I am laughing at and with myself. And if I can reach out and share a laugh, that's even better.
--Live. Breathe in deeply and live life to the fullest.

What would you do if you knew? Part 3

2011-09-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

What would I do if I knew ... ?

--Surrender. Not to the disease or the fear or the grief or despair but to the care of a loving and gracious God. This sometimes is a moment by moment process. I surrender then I take it back. I surrender, then I try to start fighting it again. Let go and let God. Let God fight it for me.

--Acceptance. The Serenity Prayer. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." I want to know everything -- the doctors, the medical details, the nurses, the Hospice team; how daddy and mom are experiencing everything. I want to be there. I want to help. I need to accept reality. Add to the Serenity Prayer an attitude of gratitude: gratefulness that Mom and Dad have family, extended family, church, friends and resources including medical care and hospice.

--I thought I would cry. There haven't been many tears yet. What seems to be happening is that I'm shutting that down. I think that may explain why some days I feel as if I'm in a fog. It seems I can't shut down the negative or sad feelings without affecting the full range of emotions.

I thought maybe when the Aggies lost to OSU yesterday in Aggieland that would trigger tears. No, not yet. It will be something more random, I guess. All that game did was mess with my mind. A win would have made me feel a simple kind of happiness. With a loss, my silly mind keeps going over what-ifs. What a waste of mental energy, but that's what happens. So I expend more mental/spiritual energy to tear my thoughts from that unchangeable and truly insignificant thing to subjects of substance. I rationalize and try to see what God is trying to teach me from my reaction to a game. And I still wish they had won. (See, I still haven't let go.)

--Smiles and gratitude. Still, so far, there are more smiles and more gratitude for blessings and less sadness and fewer tears than I would have expected. But there is growing tiredness, and with that comes greater vulnerability to unhealthy choices -- and also to the breakthrough of pent-up emotions. So, I'm back to where I started: praying to let go and let God, to trust Him to protect me from negativity, despair, fear or even too much tiredness, and to hold me in His loving arms and care.

What would you do if you knew? Part 2

2011-09-22T10:09:00.001-07:00

What would you do if you knew your time on Earth was up?
--Would an ex-smoker buy a pack of cigarettes?
--Would a recovering alcoholic buy a fifth of whiskey?
--Would an abstaining compulsive overeater order up her favorite sweet treats?

An ex-smoker's remark about thinking he would get some cigarettes made me think of my own addiction/obsession. Would that be where I would want to go? Back to the habit I worked so hard to break? Would I ignore the effect it could have on my relationships? I pray to God the answer always will be no.

An amazing thing is that the ex-smoker's comment didn't upset me. It did spark an interesting comversation, too. But it mainly made me think.

A related question that came to mind:
What would you do if you knew today was going to be good? What if you knew it was going to be bad? Would it make any difference in what you do and how you do it? It doesn't seem like it should make a difference -- shouldn't I do what I can to have a good day anyway? But often the perception of how something will be -- whether it be a day, an event or an outcome -- can affect my approach.

As usual, I see God providing answers for the questions:
-- He is helping me set priorities. I'm able to realize what's important and focus on those things. I've seen several things that would have driven me crazy in the past become no big deal.
-- He is giving me strength. Part of that comes with setting priorities and not spending as much time in pointless, time-wasting pursuits. Rest and healthy eating are priorities that help keep me strong.
-- He is giving me so much grace to fill the void between my intentions and my actions.

Most of the time we don't know the certainty. We just know the possibilities. But I'm seeing daily that the choices I make can have an effect on the outcome. I pray to make choices and decisions that reflect and build love, hope, compassion, faith, humility, grace, gratitude, wisdom and joy.

What would you do if you knew? Part 1

2011-09-15T09:36:00.000-07:00

What would you do if you knew? The question has been on my mind a lot lately as I've contemplated my Dad's cancer prognosis and then 9/11 remembrances and now some news at work.

What would you do if you knew you had six months to live? A year? A day? A few hours? None of us really knows how long we have -- 9/11 and auto accidents and deadly storms are reminders of that.

A few years ago, such thoughts would depress me and make me want to just shut down, crawl back into bed or escape into a binge of overeating. Today, the thoughts still overwhelm me, until I release them to God's care.

Some of the answers He has provided, for today:
-- Be still and know that I am God.
-- Seek God. Trust God. Obey God. Praise God.
-- Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine! O what a foretaste of glory divine ... Angels descending, bring from above, echoes of mercy, whispers of love ... Perfect submission, all is at rest. I in my Savior am happy and blest ... filled with His goodness, lost in His love. This is my story ... praising my Savior all the day long.
-- This from today's Upper Room devotional: "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest" (Exodus 33:14,NIV).
-- Some people get choices and opportunities. Some don't. We all have the choice to live in such a way that we have no regrets. (Even having regrets is a choice.) Love. Make things right. Amends. If I can't make direct amends (I can't change the past) I might be able to make living amends by doing better today and in the future.

This is titled Part 1 because it really does just touch the surface. News today that the company I work for is being sold -- with promises that nothing will change -- is another reminder that life goes on and changes happen, and I cannot predict or control the future. Some of how I learned this latest news seemed to involve a direct lie of something I had been told earlier, but on closer examination, I see how they got around it. But it sure makes me wonder: Who can I trust?

Well, I can trust God. And I do trust my parents and my family and many many friends. Based on that foundation -- trust in God and love -- I pray to face whatever comes with grace, gratitude, strength, hope, love and compassion.

Savoring the Spirit of Aggieland -- and more

2011-09-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

A quick wedding anniversary/football weekend trip to College Station and Texas A&M University brought many smiles, rekindled memories and renewed hope.

Few eras of my life are marked by vivid, precise, detailed memories, and that includes my college years. I can't think of any friendships that I made during college that have endured and grown. My strongest relationships I have tied to Aggieland are people I knew before I attended school there or that I met since I graduated.

Except for Gene. I grew up on a family farm just nine miles from Gene's family's farm, and our families attended the same church, but Gene and I, three years apart in age and attending different public schools, didn't meet until we were more than 200 miles from Cooke County at Texas A&M. We met near the end of my first semester, at a Cooke County hometown club party at the apartment complex where I lived. The next I remember of Gene was when he recognized me in the Geology classroom at the start of the spring semester. By the end of the semester, we were dating. And as best I recall, I guess we've been in a relationship ever since. I can't think of a time we ever broke up, which is really kind of amazing, because we are so different in many ways. (That's a whole other blog post -- or several.)

Even as we walked around campus before Midnight Yell Practice on Saturday and then before the game on Sunday, I'm sure we both were aware of our different styles. But something about that east-central Texas air and especially the sound of the Fighting Texas Aggie Band and a mass of Aggies doing tradition yells just pushed the differences aside and drew us together like twentysomethings.

Spending a few hours at the George Bush Presidential Library, with its prevalent themes of family, faith, service and integrity, fit right in with the spirit of the weekend.

We've been back home and now at work a couple of days, and I can see how easy it is to fall back into old patterns, partly because of work schedules but also just from our own set ways. I don't want that to happen. This can be different. This can still be fun. What can I do to make it happen? I know I'm supposed to live one day at a time, but I don't think it's too early to start planning for Sept. 4, 2012. What can I do today to make the 30th anniversary even better than the 29th (or the 25th -- celebrating at Alcatraz was especially memorable!)? I think it really does come down to how I live each day. In the rush of things, I don't always find quality time for Gene, even on the days when our schedules would allow it. I will work to improve that.

The decision to go to the A&M vs. SMU game, which happened to be on our anniversary, was made less than a week before we left. That's pretty spontaneous for us. Everything costs twice as much when you wait that late to commit. But I'm glad we did it. It reminded me of a few more of the blessings I sometimes take for granted -- and reminded me that the best ways to experience blessings and feel joy and gratitude are to share them. And of course, I must always do so in an attitude of humble gratitude and praise to God.

Psalms, prayers, songs, prisms and perspective

2011-09-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

The past weekend provided more evidence of God's continuing presence and blessings.
-- Six adult siblings came together to watch a Texas Rangers baseball game last Saturday, but the breakfast the next morning with Mom and Dad and other extended family members was the highlight.
-- Daddy is not a singer (as far as I know), but he definitely appreciates music. One of his requests for the days ahead includes a song. It should be a doozy. This daughter of the Psalmist's son feels privileged and deeply touched.
-- There were more smiles than tears, but I am reminded that smiling through tears -- and the prisms this produces -- could become more frequent in days ahead. I've always thought prisms were beautiful. Their significance continues to increase.
-- Some things did not go as planned. On Friday, the day before six planned to leave from Arkansas, one of the two vehicles they planned to drive broke down. This presented challenges. The challenges were met with faith, hope and teamwork. Everyone made it to Texas, to the game and to the breakfast. And even when the other vehicle had problems before the return trip home, it was able to be fixed in time to make the trip. That involved lots of teamwork, too.
-- The Rangers didn't win, but everyone seemed to really enjoy the game anyway. And the ones who are big-time fans seemed to appreciate the fact that the game still could have been won in the final inning (bases were loaded in the bottom of the ninth) -- and since it was the only loss in a 3-game series against the division rival, it was still a winning weekend for the team. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who wondered why the next night's big win couldn't have come a day earlier. It's so much more fun to leave after winning than not winning. But it still was a great day.
-- There is so much more, but I've got to get to work, and there's another big weekend ahead. I hope to post again before "deadline" arrives, but we'll see about that.
-- Faith abounds. Hope abounds. Love and caring abound. We are family. We are blessed with friends and faith. Smile. Thank you, God.

Choices for such a time as this

2011-08-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

In the face of a beloved one's dire prognosis:
I choose hope.
I choose gratitude.
I choose to walk by faith.
I choose to see the good.
I choose to let God lead me.
I choose to believe God has prepared me.
I choose Jesus.
I choose love.
I choose life.
I choose joy.

None of these choices will automatically make things easier. I believe they will make things better.

Despite all those positive choices, I'd be dishonest if I didn't admit to some fear and anxiety. I think of Job in the Bible. He seemed to choose the better way -- faith and trust in God -- and God still let Satan wreak all kinds of havoc in his life. There are other examples in the Bible in which it seems as if those who profess their faith are tested almost beyond their ability to stand. And the key word is: almost. I believe the Bible makes it clear that God will not allow more to come our way than we can face successfully if we stay true to Him, although I also believe sometimes how that all works out remains a mystery in this life on earth. Some of those holy mysteries remain in my life and those of loved ones.

What this is about is that my 85-year-old Dad recently received a new cancer diagnosis. Last year, he had a spot on his lung and had successful lung surgery. That was a long and sometimes difficult journey for Mom and Dad and the family, but I see much evidence that God was with us through it all, and that He worked it for good.

Now, Daddy has liver cancer. While last year's prognosis was good, this year's is much less so. The doctors say things such as "three to six months" -- the first part of that range is before Christmas! -- and that the end could be bad. Information is still being gathered. I'm hoping and praying for the best. And I'm grateful for continued opportunities to spend quality time with my parents and family, expressing and showing love and support.

Psalm 23 comes to mind: The Lord is my shepherd ... He leads us. He prepares us. He guards us. He goes with us. He sustains us.

I think that's been my overriding affirmation since first learning a week ago, Aug. 19, of what was causing Daddy's pain and what may lie ahead, which doctors seemed to confirm on Tuesday. In various communications with family and friends, including at church, God has given me a sense of hope and peace for which I can't even begin to adequately express thanks.

-- I think in my family's situation, God continues to bless us with opportunities to grow in love and faithfulness and grace and gratitude. Many people/families don't get that chance while the loved one is still with them. I pray to always be grateful.

-- Please join me in praying that God just uphold and sustain Daddy and Mom and all of us no matter what lies ahead, and that we appreciate each day He gives us and helps us to live to his glory and honor and service. Thank you so much for your love and prayers.

I think a lot of people know and live these things without having to write and share them. But for me, writing and sharing helps me know, remember and be accountable. As with singing, I write and share in what feels like faithful service to God and as an offering of praise.

Readings that have helped me keep going this week

2011-08-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

From Beth Moore's Praying God's Word Day by Day Aug. 16 (my Mom's birthday)
Beth's quote: "Allow your circumstances and weaknesses to do the job God has sent them to do -- provoke humility."
Praying from the Word:
Do not be far from me, Lord, for trouble is near and there is no one to help ... They feel like roaring lions tearing their prey open, their mouths wide against me (Psalm 22:11,13).
But to You, O Lord, I left up my soul; in You I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me (Psalm 25:1-2).
Guard my life and rescue me, O Lord. Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in You. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in You (Psalm 25:20-21).

And today, Aug. 19, praying from the Word:
Mighty God, help me to understand that I've been called by You to walk by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). Strengthen my spiritual vision, Lord!

And this is from the Overeaters Anonymous "For Today" devotional booklet for Aug. 18:
"Life offers me treasures beyond imagining, here and now. They are there for me to take and use with the God-given talents and skills and energy I possess today. My enthusiasm is the digging tool. I dig into the actual for the sheer love of digging; therefore, the fact that there may be something better tomorrow is irrelevant. I will be here, digging into life and getting something out of it today. ... The right way to live is to live as fully as I can today; to take what possbilities there are and make of them what I can."

Another attitude adjustment

2011-08-14T19:44:00.000-07:00

"Good morning," he said.
"Not the best," replied I.
I mean, here I was back at the car care center first thing Monday morning, trying to figure out why my brand-new tires that had been mounted Friday gave me such a miserable ride from Norman to Fort Worth and back on the weekend. I was full of frustration and resentment, so I dared not say more, since the service manager already knew the situation from my call on Saturday. I just left the car and the keys, saying let me know when it's fixed, and I hope it's before noon so I can drive it to work. I did suggest that if they couldn't find the problem, they should just put on new tires.

But as soon as I headed on the pleasant two-mile walk home about 8:30 a.m., before it had a chance to be too hot, I regretted my less-than-cheerful response. It was a beautiful morning. The tires made it safely if not smoothly through the weekend trip. I had alternate transportation to get to work if my car wasn't ready in time. I was alive and healthy and residing in the arms of God. How dare me respond as if a little inconvenience made the morning less than good.

I didn't make amends for my negative attitude at the car care center that morning, but I did take the lesson with me through the day at work and later in the week as I picked up my car and still had some problems. I don't want to let inconveniences and setbacks keep me from having a cheerful and grateful attitude. Staying positive and cheerful is often easier to intend than to do, but I was able to see several times during the week that turning it over to God in prayer and praise (in all things give thanks!) really made a difference.

And I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to keep applying that lesson one day at a time in the coming week, as I already see challenges shaping up. Pray. Trust. Obey. Praise. Help me, God! Thank you, Lord!

Striving to keep it positive

2011-08-07T20:55:00.000-07:00

Another week of vacation is almost over. I have quite a mix of feelings. It's a bit of a struggle again to focus on the positive and not get pulled down by some frustration and disappointment. But that is what I need to do and will do.

What triggered it this time (again) is finally tackling something I'd been putting off -- getting new tires and getting the dealership where I bought the car to keep a promise to pay for them. I took the needed action Thursday to confirm the payment, then took the car to Firestone Friday to get the tires. I knew I was headed to a Rangers game in Texas on Saturday and looked forward to a smoother ride. I picked the car up Friday evening and took it for a spin on city streets. All seemed fine.

But when I headed out on Interstate 35 late Saturday morning, I could tell I had a problem. When I accelerated above about 60, the car shook like it was going to fall apart. Now, I was on my way to Texas for the ballgame and didn't really have time to head back to Firestone to get this figured out. I called to make sure it was safe to drive. They seemed to think it would be. So I bounced to Gainesville and then Muenster and then to Arlington and back to Muenster after the game, and back to Norman today. I'll take it back to Firestone tomorrow and insist they make this right.

The thing that is so frustrating to me is that it seems like what should be routine maintenance steps -- whether it be for my car or my health -- so often ends up not being very routine. This mess started when I took my car to the dealership in April 2010 for maintenance work that was somewhat botched. That led to the promise that my next set of tires would be paid for. But figuring out when to get those tires, which tires to get and following through to get them paid for are things I'm not good at. But I finally did it. It was a good feeling, and I was so eager for that smooth ride to Texas. Instead, it was one of the most nerve-wracking ever.

What follows has nothing to do with any of that -- I'm sure the timing was purely coincidental -- but the very next thing I did Thursday after feeling so good about getting the tire arrangements and payment worked out was to brush my teeth. And before I was finished, a big filling near the front had fallen out. Have I mentioned that I may dislike dealing with dentists and doctors even more than dealing with car maintenance, based on the same track record of things never seeming to go smoothly? But what choice do I have? I made an appointment to get it fixed -- even though it will probably mean having to miss some work. (That's a whole other subject I'm striving to feel positive about as vacation nears an end and I go back to working afternoons and nights.)

Some of the thoughts that go through my head with these things include why bother and no wonder I get so frustrated. But all of the negative thoughts just sound like self-pity, I used to spend a lot of time stuck there. Now I work through it more quickly and move on to the next right action and a more positive outlook. Daily Bible reading continues to help guide me and strengthen me. I still don't know why these moments that are just part of life can be so perplexing to me. But I am extremely grateful to God that He somehow manages to keep me moving forward.

More lessons from singing

2011-07-31T20:12:00.000-07:00

Actually, this is a continuing study on the same subject.

The blessings of being open to suggestions ("Whispering Hope," with someone joining in on harmony for the choruses and final two verses) and challenges (the key in which it was written) continue to whisper hope that positive results are possible in all areas of my life if I will seek God's guidance, do my best to surrender, trust and obey, and give Him all glory, honor and praise.

May I continue to seek to carry the lessons of worship and praise through song into all areas of my life.

5 good things

2011-07-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

I'm still in what I hope is just a summer slump. I know the answer is just to get busy, put one foot in front of the other; take one step and then another. But something is blocking me.

I'm praying for willingness and faith to know and do what God would have me do, to His glory. But the results still seem nil.

My daily reading from the United Methodist Upper Room offered this suggestion: Make a list of five good things God has done in your life recently.

Why does even this seem hard? Everything God does in my life is good. He does so much. And I guess I take a lot of it for granted. Plus, right now, there's the issue of thinking He could do so much more in my life if I didn't get in His way.

Five good things ...
--He's given me encouraging words to share at church, in my family, at work and in other interactions. Yes, even in my "meantime," I think most of my negativity is focused inward so I can still see and express much that is good.
--He's given me faith not to give up even as I struggle.
--He's given me awareness that keeps me from overeating when I'm frustrated or in a slump. (That would only make things worse for me.)
--He's faithful every day. Great is God's faithfulness: morning by morning, day by day, new mercies I see.
--He continues to bless me with His love and the love of family and friends.

Sigh. That didn't work either! Or so it seems.

Words of encouragement I've received this weekend:
--God loves us just as we are. We don't have to earn His love. He knows our needs, our hurts, our dreams, our frustrations and our passions. He knows our hearts.
--"Whispering Hope." It's the song I'm working on for next weekend. The words provide comfort, guidance and, yes, hope. May I take them to heart.

And, yes, I am still avoiding the real issues. Maybe next time. Sigh.

OK, another powerful suggestion just came to mind, this one from today's anthem: "O sinners, let's go down, down to the river to pray." Before and after the anthem, I was thinking I needed to spend some time in prayer. Not at the river, but maybe the altar. And then I got caught up in talking with people after church and didn't take that time. But there's no reason I can spend some time on my knees now.

Trust and never doubt ....

2011-07-17T20:53:00.000-07:00

Checking in with thoughts and reflections from the weekend ...

--A precious new great-niece was born Friday. I really wanted to make the couple hour drive to Texas to see her and all the family but just couldn't do it. I'm thankful for phone conversations and pictures and comments on Facebook. I hope to get to see her in person in two weeks.

--"Trust and never doubt. Jesus will surely lead you out. He never failed me yet!" The choir's rousing Gospel anthem is part of why I stayed in Oklahoma instead of going to Texas this weekend. Our director has us singing with joyous hearts in ministry to God. And the director did a stunning solo of "Give Me Jesus." The sermon and Sunday school and fellowship were good, too.

--I went to a piano recital last night by a friend who is chasing a dream as a concert pianist. She'll be in Washington, D.C., this week in a big competition. Her playing is beautiful and soul-stirring. And her passion inspires me. I wish her the best.

--The "Friday Night Lights" TV show officially ended Friday night. I haven't gotten to watch this Texas-based drama, which is built around high school football but includes so much more, as regularly as I would have liked, but I've watched when I can and feel sad about it ending. There are so many things I could write, but I'll just leave it at this for now: I don't like that it ended with Coach Taylor in Pennsylvania. What is Tami thinking? Certainly a Texas college will lure her back to be its dean of students so Eric can get back to coaching Texas kids. I just don't see how they can be happy in Pennsylvania! Yes, I know it's a tv show, but as a native Texan in her 29th year living in Oklahoma -- and that's just one state away -- that just did not resonate as a happy ending for me. Just as I believe in my heart I will finish out my days in the Great State, I would love for that show's creators to revisit it in a couple of years as the Taylors, like so many before them, come home. "Texas forever."

--There is probably more worth writing about, but considering that just 30 minutes ago I had about decided not to post anything, I'm gonna be satisfied with this. I keep intending not to wait until "deadline" to write, but I'm still not having much luck with that, as continues to be the case with many of my other intentions. But there also continues to be something positive about "checking in on deadline," just as there continues to be much positive about doing whatever right thing I can even when it seems like I miss so many opportunities to act. I remember when it was worse. I believe it can be better. I trust God to show me His way. And He's never failed me!

Matters of timing

2011-07-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

It's blog time. I was going to write about tricks of the trade -- techniques I've learned that seem effective in some areas of my life -- along with musings about why I can't seem to find such techniques to apply in other areas.

But the topic crowding my mind is timing. For everything there is a season ...

What brought it to the forefront was the tragedy at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington on Thursday, when 39-year-old firefighter Shannon Stone, who was at the baseball game with his 6-year-old son, Cooper, died after apparently losing his balance and falling over a railing and hitting his head on concrete after catching a foul ball he had asked All-Star and MVP outfielder Josh Hamilton to toss to them.

How can there be a season for something like that? All involved seemed to be engaged in life-affirming, family building, fan-friendly, innocent fun pursuits -- and such an unthinkable result occurs.

The game went on, eventually resulting in a big win for the Rangers. Players and other fans had reason to hope for the best regarding the father's condition (there were reports he was alert and talking, asking about his son) until they were informed after the game that he had died. And then what? How do you celebrate a victory when a child has just lost a father, a wife has lost a husband, a mother has lost a son, and countless others have lost a friend, comrade and hero.

Another game was played Friday, and even though they won decisively, the victory again was somber for the Rangers. Would it ever seem OK to really celebrate a win again?

I guess the answer came Saturday, when the Rangers were unlikely winners with a 2-out, 2-run walkoff homer by Josh. The team and fans -- and Josh, who'd been tormented by his part in the tragedy -- celebrated with the smiles and innocence of children.

I still can't wrap my mind and soul around how such a celebration seemed appropriate then and not the nights before. Many writers referenced Ecclesiastes -- For everything there is a season ... For a moment, it was time to play ball and celebrate.

I hope and pray that it was appropriate, and that family and friends of Shannon Stone -- and his wife and son -- somehow shared in the celebration. Reports had said Josh was Cooper's favorite player, and he and his dad had bought a new glove on the way to the ballpark, and their goal was go catch a ball from Josh. How does a child process that? How does a family?

Josh's response has been that he's just praying and praying. He's praying to know how and when to reach out to the family. In my mind, it seemed like maybe he already should have, and certainly that he should have said in his postgame comments he was thinking of the father and son as he rounded the bases. But his comments were just about baseball. That surprised me. But I believe him when he says he's praying hard for that family and about his response. And he expresses faith that God does have a plan and a hand in what's happening, even if we don't understand. I guess that makes sense.

But it sure messes with my mind. I want to believe that for everything there is a season, and I want to believe that I live by faith. But a Sunday school discussion today reminded me of what a worrier I am, and how worry really isn't compatible with faith. I pray and pray to know how to handle a situation -- or life in general -- but in reality, instead of truly trusting God to guide my steps (whether to work, play, serve or celebrate, etc.), I keep worrying and trying to figure out the right thing to do. And while I'm worrying and trying to figure out, I miss learning that a recently widowed friend was in town Friday night on a visit from Ohio. I don't know why I wasn't aware she was here. I would loved to have seen her. If only I kept closer contact with church friends ...

If only ...

I lack a good sense of timing -- what to do when. And it often leads to regret. Somehow, as events of this week made me even more aware of that weakness, they also reminded me that none of us can change the past. We can just choose our next action. Right now, I don't feel like I'm doing that very well. I'm stuck again in habits -- past actions. That's part of what the other topic would have addressed: "tricks of the trade" to change patterns and achieve better results. But that's for another time.

I've been praying as I've been writing, and the best I can come up with is that, for now, it's time to post and log off. And I do feel strengthened in my faith that God will show me what this is all about -- or use it to His glory anyway -- in His good time.

God shed His grace ...

2011-07-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

It had been a while since I'd done a solo at church, and I was beyond ready. So I expressed to the new choir director my willingness and desire to sing at the early and late services. He suggested I do it when he was on vacation in July, so we would have special music without the choir having to sing an anthem. Although I was a bit disappointed he wouldn't hear me sing, I knew it was a good plan.

The Sunday of his vacation turned out to be July 3, so in the spirit of the Independence Day holiday, I decided I would sing something patriotic rather than what I had planned. "America the Beautiful" was my choice.

At choir practice that Wednesday, I was surprised when we started a new anthem selected because we would have Communion on Sunday. It wasn't until choir practice was over that I knew for sure that the choir director had had a change of plans and would be there to lead us in this very worshipful anthem. I was glad.

But I began to have second thoughts about singing "America the Beautiful" as a solo. I'd chosen an arrangement with a key change and that ended with a soul-stirring flourish, but I was really doubting my ability to carry it out. It was a higher key than I realized, and I also wondered whether some of those words sounded very melodic when they emerged from my mouth. I prayed as I practiced, seeking guidance and even assurance regarding how to handle this. I worried it would sound thin or screechy. Some of the techniques our director has shared in his short time with the choir came to my mind, and they were helpful as I practiced and tried to figure out how best to approach some notes, words and phrases. I practiced with increasing faith, even as confidence continued to elude me.

As far as the key, God was able to remind me that I am a soprano and have the ability to sing those notes, so I could just pretend I was singing with the whole choir.

More lessons I took to heart from the new director: Work on technique. Practice and practice. Then let go and worship. It seemed like that happened the first service. But the second service, it seemed different, maybe less connected spiritually. And my mind or spirit couldn't seem to recall the idea of pretending the choir was singing along. But then a wonderful thing happened. At the start of the final verse, "Oh beautiful for patriot's dream ...," after the pianist played a brief fanfare, members of the congregation and choir started to stand and then join in singing! The power of the song. The power of the spirit. The power of patriotism. The power of freedom. The power of God!

How humbled and grateful I feel to be allowed to have a part in such a moment of worship and praise. Again and again, God sheds His grace on me and all who seek Him. I pray to never stop seeking and praising Him.

The new routine is no routine

2011-06-27T21:07:00.000-07:00

The new routine is no routine. I need to remember that when the next few weeks tempt me to think there is a routine again.

Since the start of the year -- after many years of starting work in the morning and going into the late afternoon or early evening -- I've gone to an ever-changing schedule that is all over the place. The first two or three months it was mostly 2 or 4 p.m. to midnight. Then it was a few months of basically 2-10, 2-12, 2-6, 12-8 and 3 pm-1 am, Monday through Friday. In June it went to Sunday through Thursday, except when I wasn't needed on Sunday, so I worked Friday.

A mid-June vacation without a schedule fit right in with the confusion, and the vacation was punctuated by pulling an all-nighter for Relay for Life.

And now I'm working days again, noon to 8, which in the past would have seemed normal but now is just another change before going to a month of 10-6 Monday through Friday, unless something different is needed. And that will be for just a month, and then it will probably be back to the afternoon to night shifts.

What I am so aware of is that even when -- or especially when -- my work schedule lacks routine, it is imperative for me to build structure and maintain discipline in my life. Patterns of eating, sleeping, exercising, reading, praying and meditating are important. Most days I keep a pretty specific list of what I need to do and when. I went through a period this month of viewing that as a weakness. But today as I walked, after waking up on target after a within-range amount of pillow time, I embraced my list and willingness to use it as a strength.

As I was walking, I thought of my Dad, whose life example includes all kinds of work schedules, including true graveyard shifts. He and lots of people, including one of my sisters, have often worked far from ideal schedules. Their examples remind me to do whatever it takes to make it work for me. For me, that includes keeping it healthy, which is probably why it is more of a challenge, because keeping it healthy requires discipline for me.

That also made me think of Daddy's newest thing. A couple of days each week, he'll be going into town for pulmonary therapy. Why? To continue to build up his strength. He wants to be as healthy as he can be, even at 85. I am proud and inspired.

I sometimes wish my life were more routine or automatic. It seems as if what comes naturally for me is to do nothing. (I had some thoughts about that, too, while I walked today, that renewed my hope that I can change.) I'm grateful that I keep fighting that instinctive inertia.

Vacation memories

2011-06-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

My vacation from work did not go according to plan. I had two big household cleaning/organizing projects I wanted to accomplish, plus several smaller tasks, but I really can't claim any measurable success. Toward the end of the week, I started to lapse into regret and despair. I felt as if I had wasted the week.

Then I looked closer.

The main reason I scheduled this week off was so that I could be assured of having the Friday for Relay for Life in Perry. I accomplished that, plus I had time to buy and break in new shoes. Mom and two of my sisters, in addition to the sister who is my relay team captain, all spent some time at relay. That was so nice to be there with Mom, a cancer survivor. And she wouldn't have been there unless Daddy, also a cancer survivor, was OK with her leaving him home alone overnight. Mom's trip also included a shower for her great-grandson, due in September. There were many treasured moments for me.

I was also glad my vacation timing worked with the Dallas Mavericks NBA championship win. It allowed me to watch the game and postgame and even the victory parade. Unfortunately, that's probably what kept me distracted from my work projects. About midweek, I was experiencing those regrets and shame about how I'd spent my time. But even as that happened, I kept reading Scripture and devotionals that reminded me my worth is not based on what I accomplish. A couple of readings even made it seem possible that what to me seemed like wasted time might fit into God's big plan for me. So I kept looking and praying for guidance, even as I seemed not to heed it.

Another confusing but memorable aspect of my vacation was that it coincided with the Youth Force mission project at the church. I had not realized that would be the case, and when I did make the connection, I decided not to alter my personal work focus. By the end of the week, as I accomplished so little, that seemed like a big, selfish mistake. I did go to two of the worship services, and even though doing so seemed selfish, I think it was part of the plan.

There is so much more to write about my vacation, but it's deadline, so I'm posting, with grateful memories and a smile.

Let's Hear It For the Team: Dallas Mavericks, 2011 World Champions

2011-06-13T08:05:00.000-07:00

As Game 6 of the NBA Finals between the Dallas Mavericks and the Miami Heat wound down Sunday and a Mavs championship looked imminent, I found myself thinking I wouldn't know how to react if they actually won. It turns out the reaction is that neat kind of happiness that results when you see what looks like positive efforts and hard work being rewarded. I liked that, once again, the team that played like a team, that put the team before the individual players, won the prize.

Life and sports don't always work out like that, but that's the second time this year it's happened with a team I care about. The other was in the spring, when the Texas A&M women beat Notre Dame to win the NCAA Women's Basketball Championship.

Interestingly, in both cases, it was obvious that, as far as the media (particularly ESPN, but not just ESPN) was concerned, first the Aggies and now the Mavericks wouldn't be the story whether they won or lost. I remember watching the sports coverage the day after the Aggies won, and it was all about what Notre Dame did wrong and why they should have won and what they need to do in the future. About the only coverage featuring the Aggies was what couldn't be denied: Game highlights and the trophy presentation.

Last night and today, it's been that all over again. It's all about LeBron James and what he didn't do, not about Dirk Nowitzki and what the Dallas Mavericks did. The thing is, all the focus would be on LeBron and the Heat if the Heat had won, too. So, I'm very happy the Mavericks won! Analysts and observers and even players can talk and speculate all they want, but they can't take away the Mavs' championship trophy and Dirk's MVP trophy.

I think these excerpts from an article by Mike Fisher, a journalist who has covered the Mavericks for 20 years, hit the highlights that resonate most with me today. He's talking about how Dirk, the superstar, and the whole team were playing with each other and for each other. For the team.

"This," The UberMan (Nowitzki) said, his new "NBA Champions" hat sitting crooked on his head, "is a win for team basketball." ...

Mavs coach Rick Carlisle spoke, too. ... "This is one of the unique teams in NBA history. Because it wasn't about high-flying star power. Come on, how often do we have to hear about 'The LeBron James Reality Show' and what he is or isn't doing? When are people going to talk about the purity of our game and what these guys accomplished? That's what's special. … We knew it was very important that we won this series … because of what the game is about, and what the game should stand for. … (The Mavs) have made a statement that's a colossal statement."

They made a statement, alongside Dirk and for Dirk. They did it with nary a word. They did it with a two-week-long, 48-minute-at-a-time flurry of basketball punches to an opponent that had foolishly questioned who they are and what they stand for.

As is often the case, there are lessons and there is inspiration for me from the world of sports. I may write about those later. But for now, I'm just happy to see a hard-working, and as far as I can tell, pretty humble and classy team of players win the championship. I hope victory doesn't change them. And I hope having two teams I root for carry home the prize this year doesn't change me, unless somehow it makes me a better person.

The Time? Now!

2011-06-06T21:15:00.000-07:00

Why does it always take a seemingly worse situation to help me appreciate what I had?

After a pity party that I hope is now over, I'm back in action. No excuses. Just do it.

I've written about it before. The work schedule seems to get worse and worse, but in the honest analysis, for today, it's still a good job, and I can do what's asked of me. Yes, I squandered some opportunities for spending the off hours of the "better schedule" productively. But stewing over that is pointless and decreases the chance for future productivity.

So, today I walked. I'm blogging. I've checked off from my list a number of things large and small that as recently yesterday it seemed like I would delay just out of self-pity. And who would that have helped?

God is surely showing me again, so many things:
-- No matter how many opportunities I squander, He doesn't give up on me. He gives me another chance.
-- What looks bad to me (a schedule, etc.) usually isn't as bad as I think.
-- What looks bad to me often holds an opportunity for blessing if I will just keep my focus on God.
-- In all things, focus on God's will and give honor, glory and praise to Him.

Thank you, God.

Blowing in the wind

2011-05-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

I want to stop and write, but the winds of life keep blowing distractions my way. Tornadoes, too close for comfort even when they don't directly touch me. Chaotic work schedules that are stressing me out more than I think they should. Sports teams (Dallas Mavericks, Texas Aggies baseball and softball, the Texas Rangers) I enjoy following making some great runs, which I like, but then I want to watch the games and catch the stories surrounding them, and I really don't have time -- especially since the schedule has me so far out of a routine.

I feel as if I've been blown off course, and I'm having trouble getting back on track. Things that usually really pick me up, such as visiting my parents and going to church with them; spending time in Texas with other family members, too; teams that look like they are down for the count coming through with big wins -- give a very fleeting pleasure, almost overridden by tiredness and a sense of ... what? Is it so what? Or, maybe, what now?

I just know I've had a great couple of days, and it seems unacceptable to let anything take away from that. I want to focus on the bright realities, the joyous and fun and intimate moments -- and not get caught up in speculation or anxiety about a potentially chaotic future. (The future also has the potential to unfold wonderfully, especially if I get out of the way and let it!)

So, earlier this very windy Memorial Day weekend Sunday in north Texas, my husband put up an ornamental, 8-foot-tall windmill at my parents' house. After days and weeks that have included too much wind and too many storms, I can't help but wonder if the structure stands a chance. But there's something hopeful and courageous -- maybe even stubborn -- about defying the wind's damaging threats.

Checking in on deadline

2011-05-22T21:19:00.000-07:00

It's blog deadline again. I don't remember when it switched from Monday to Sunday, but I knew it would eventually become problematic if I didn't get something written on a weekday. Tonight, after a busy and fun Saturday-Sunday trip to see family in Texas, the Sunday deadline is problematic.

Sometimes I jot down blog notes during the week, but I didn't this time. I don't have anything ready to write, and I don't have time (it's 11:23 p.m., even though the blog time stamp will say it's much earlier) to just sit here and mess around until I come up with something, which is what I'm able to do sometimes when deadline sneaks up on me. It's not as if I don't have ideas. But it definitely takes time for me to make anything close to sense of those thoughts.

But I've seen the value of checking in and writing a few words. Sometimes something comes together that amazes me. That's not going to happen tonight. Checking in really is just checking in. It's really just making deadline. It's respecting the deadline. And it's not letting go of the hope/dream of something better to come.

Rejected but not dejected

2011-05-15T20:29:00.000-07:00

Several months ago, in probably my last time as a volunteer helping with the Angel Food distribution at my church, I was in a discussion that led to me wonder why I don't participate in periodic blood drives at the church. I remembered giving blood a few times when I was younger, but as best I could recall, the reasons I quit volunteering were because sometimes I felt faint afterward, and also because, although it wasn't really painful, it wasn't exactly comfortable. But I was just so aware that many people who could offer legitimate reasons for not volunteering at Angel Food and other events and for not giving blood apparently wouldn't dream of not participating. I looked around and thought, if these people can do this, certainly I can, too. So I vowed to participate in the next blood drive.

As luck (?) would have it, the next two or three drives scheduled at the church were Sundays when I was out of town. I'd be lying if I said I was sad to realize I could delay the experience. Then, when we received an e-mail reminder this week about weekend events at the church, including a scheduled blood drive, my thought was that it would be a busy day. But my commitment didn't come to mind. Even Saturday night, I was thinking about the pancake breakfast the Mission Team has the third Sunday of every month and that there would be a blood drive, but that's as far as it went.

One thing worth noting is that this weekend and the coming week were shaping up to hold opportunities for me to get some things done I've been putting off. Before I went to bed Saturday -- without getting anything on that mental list started, much less accomplished -- I wrote these words in my journal: Praying to make a list of priorities for this week -- prayerfully -- and to lift it up to You and just do it, do it, do it! One moment at a time.

Lo and behold, shortly after I awoke this morning, it occurred to me that today was the blood drive, and I had no excuse not to participate. So, to keep from talking myself out of it, I couldn't even think about it, other than to make sure I dressed comfortably with easy access to my veins! Even though I hadn't given the blood drive any thought on Saturday, I realized I had eaten some extra protein and other things that seemed healthy, and then I made sure to eat what I thought was a healthy breakfast. I won't say I was excited, but I was committed. I even got to church earlier than usual, to make sure I had enough time before the choir gathered to prepare for worship.

As soon as I got there, I headed to the check in. I answered the questions and everything seemed to be going fine -- temperature, blood pressure and pulse. Then she pricked my finger to draw a little blood, and the next thing I knew, she said I wouldn't be able to donate. It seems my iron level was low. It needed to be 38 and was just 34.

Of course, that's when I remembered I'd tried this before sometime in the years after I started facing some of my petty fears and being a little less selfish and a little more serving. And this had been the result then, too. But I had completely forgotten. I am a bit puzzled though, because I recently had routine blood work done, and I had not been told my iron level might be low. I will be checking into this further. Could this explain why I always seem tired even though I get a pretty good amount of pillow time each night? (I still think the sleep problem might be related to having a cat on my legs, causing me to wake up and reposition several times each night.)

I think on some level I'm disappointed that I wasn't able to give blood. I know I'm glad I was willing to make the effort. And I think I'll see if I can figure out what I need to do to get the iron level up -- both for my own health and so I can try again to share this gift of life!

Mother's Day reflections

2011-05-08T19:36:00.001-07:00

There were times in my life I didn't really give much thought to whether I'd ever have kids. Especially when I was in college and dating and even after I was engaged, the thought of focusing on career and spouse instead of raising a family seemed as instinctive as anything maternal.

I won't go into the details of when and how that changed, but by time I was 35, I was pretty sure I would never be a mother. And by then, I wasn't happy about it.

I went through a period where Mother's Days and many other family, work and church events, especially those involving stages of growing families, carried some bitter along with the wonderful sweetness. I regretted decisions I had made that seemed to have led to this fate, but I also wondered if maybe God didn't think I would have been a good mother. After all, He knows I can barely take care of me and my own stuff; how could He have entrusted me with precious new lives? But I would look around at the wide range of women having children, some seeming far less capable than me, and again not understand why I couldn't be one of them. After all, doesn't God equip us for the roles He gives us?

OK, then, maybe, for whatever reason, the role God equipped me for wasn't to be a Mom but rather to be a searcher, an observer and, eventually, a supporter. I'm not sure I fill those roles much better than I do the role of personal caretaker. But as my faith continues to grow, I feel peace with where I am in relationship to my husband, my parents, my siblings and extended family and friends.

There are so many ways in all of these relationships that I would like to be more -- more supportive, more helpful, more consistent, more reliable. I continue to pray to grow in all of these relationships -- and beyond -- to God's glory. He continues to show me the blessings of such growth and that gives me hope that all things are possible in my relationships (including self and self-care) if I stay focused on God.

I'm not a mom, but today was a great Mother's Day. So much love of mothers and grandmothers and greats and other special women was shared among family and friends. I hope and pray everyone was able to experience some blessings and precious memories today.

Still my parents' child

2011-05-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

I had looked forward to another weekend trip home to visit my parents. But after another long work shift Friday that didn't end until after 2 a.m. Saturday, I was about to talk myself out of the two-hour trip. What was I going for, anyway? Basically, just to visit. Some of my siblings are good at recognizing chores to do and needs to fill when they are there. But I tend just to visit.

And it finally occurred to me: That's reason enough to go. And then I had another realization: I still really benefit from time with my parents. As I told them after church today, I do hope my visits are good for them, too. But I know they are very good for me. I still need parenting. Spending time with my parents is like going to church. It infuses my soul. I soak up love and inspiration and wisdom and just the treasures of presence.

This trip also included an opportunity to spend a little more time with my husband, which, due in large part to that same crazy work schedule, seems to require more planning than it used to.

I'm grateful I gave myself the extra push -- or maybe that was God, because the decision came after some focused prayer -- and made the trip. I had to pass up some things I wanted to do this past week and even the weekend, but I feel confident the time was well spent and I am blessed. I pray to share the blessing, to God's glory.

Easter reflections

2011-04-24T19:30:00.000-07:00

Before I went to bed last night, I wrote in my journal that I didn't feel spiritually or physically ready for Easter. Of course, I knew something that would help would be to read Scripture. I read to the part where the women leave the sealed tomb. I started to read the rest of the story, but decided I should wait until this morning.

It was a good plan. After reading the resurrection account on through to the Great Commision first thing this morning and then participating in worship filled with messages and songs of faith, hope, praise and truth, I was powerfully aware that my Redeemer lives. "You ask me how I know he lives? He lives within my heart!"

And whereas the sunrise is often the strong resurrection symbol of Easter, today in Norman, heavy rain clouds that burst with lightning, thunder and rain were the perfect accompaniment for celebrating God's great gift.

This has very much been a Lenten season, Holy Week and Easter of the heart. I haven't felt as outwardly emotional about and involved in the various aspects, partly due to changing routines. One of the strong messages I received during this time was affirmed during the sermon today. Because of Easter, I have hope. I am an overcomer through Christ. There is NO reason for me to let life bring me down. I pray to live my life in joyous service to God through Christ.

My heart is filled with love and gratitude. I pray that others also experience this -- and that we humbly and joyously let it overflow in service and kindness to others.

Because of computer troubles, I haven't been able to include links to my Easter songs on my blog. They are on YouTube under SpiritPatricia. They are Easter praise, Good Friday meditation, Good Friday contemplation and Holy Week Communion Song.

Making every day holy

2011-04-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

It's Maundy Thursday, the day of Holy Week on which many Christians recall Christ's last supper with His disciples before His crucifixion (Luke 22:7-20 and beyond, or read accounts in any of the Gospels). Biblical accounts of the events of that Passover festival night also included Jesus washing His disciples' feet (John 13:1-17), something that was particularly difficult for Simon Peter to comprehend.

Because of my work schedule (and lack of better priorities, perhaps?), I won't be able to attend the Maundy Thursday observance recalling the Last Supper tonight at my church. Over the years, the service seems to have grown in significance for me and others in the church. I will miss being there tonight.

But knowing in advance that I wouldn't be able to attend this service or the Good Friday service tomorrow set me to praying and thinking about how to remember and reflect anyway. On a week that includes that 16th anniversary of the Murrah Building bombing in Oklahoma City and the traditional Aggie Muster that also is a time of remembrance of fallen comrades, and this following the 14th anniversary of the death of a precious 5-year-old son of the psalmist's son on Sunday, there is much evidence that people have followed Jesus' commands to "go and do likewise" and also to "do this in remembrance of me." As we recall painful and tragic times, we see people act in love and service as they hold onto the hope that came from a loving Savior who was willing to die on the cross for our sins.

I've struggled some with wondering about my priorities, why I'll take a day off work for a concert next Thursday but not for Holy Week church services tonight or tomorrow. God seems to be giving me some clear answers for this year. I think the most important one right now is to look for and be a part of the holy wherever I am, including at work. The hope of doing so, for me, is only possible because of the love and sacrifice of God through His Son, Jesus Christ. And then there's the realization that sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder. A break from the traditional observances causes me to become more aware of how much they mean to me -- and also to think of how their significance goes beyond the rituals of those observances.

So, I pray to remember -- and to live to the glory of the crucified and resurrected Christ today and always.

(I tried to attach my video for the first verse of "Communion Song" by Sonny Salsbury but can't get it to show up. I may try again later.)

Getting ready for Easter

2011-04-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

Today was Palm Sunday. We had palms at church, but not really a procession. The little children did sing, and that's always nice. My takeaway from the sermon was: What is God calling me to do? What is the cost? (What do I have to give or sacrifice to follow God's call?) That's my cross. Will I pay that price? Will I take up that cross?

Another thing I left with was a strong sense that I will miss not being able to attend the Maundy Thursday and Good Friday services at church, because of work. But as the preacher said, you miss a big part of the story and experience if you skip from Palm Sunday straight to Easter. I will be praying and actively seeking ways to recall Christ's journey to the cross and what it meant then and what it means now and to me. The conclusion of my Disciple Bible Study tonight fit right along with this, focusing on what Jesus' death on the cross and His resurrection mean for me and how I live my life.

For today, what I seem called to do is to live humbly, show love in action and give the glory to God. Those seem to also answer in many situations the question: What would Jesus do? Obviously, those are not my natural inclinations. But with God, all things are possible. As I prepare for Easter, may I live that faith.

Looking for meaning -- a revelation

2011-04-11T21:32:00.001-07:00

I'm at the self-imposed blog deadline, and I'm pretty sure no words are ready to post. But I will post anyway. It's a pain-free and cost-free way to buy time. There are so many things I want to write about. I've collected bits here and there from my journal and from comments on Facebook and other correspondence and reading. But I need some time to sit with those thoughts so I can discover what they might mean or what lessons they might hold.

Last week was as busy, challenging and stressful as I thought it might be. And with much prayer and support from family and friends, it may have gone better than any such week I've ever had. There were so many answered prayers. And to have an answered prayer, that means there was first a prayer. With God, all things are possible. I posted that on Facebook as a reminder to myself, and it was a reminder I needed. One way I help make sure I'm with God is through prayer. Another is through Bible reading and study.

There are many things I don't know tonight, including how to deal with some of the issues that have distracted and frustrated me for years involving my habits, attitudes, choices and inability to get certain things accomplished, from getting rid of my clutter to catching up with those friends I vowed months ago to reconnect with.

But this I do know: With God, all things are possible. I believe that God sent His son to die for me, and that His sacrifice atones for my sins and shortcomings. I see daily evidence of that saving grace and transformative love in my life and the lives of others. It fills me with hope and gratitude. And maybe this is my revelation for tonight -- that it's no good if that hope and gratitude just fills me with satisfaction and good feelings. In fact, the good feelings won't last unless I share what God has given. And I can't wait for it to overflow. (I think I was waiting for it to overflow.) I've been taking steps to share it. I will take another tomorrow. That is my prayer, always with the desire that it be to the glory of God.

Treasure seeking

2011-04-04T21:34:00.000-07:00

OK, the blog deadline isn't until tomorrow, but the possibility of having time to write tomorrow is even more remote than the chance of me putting together a couple of nuggets of inspiration or insight tonight. So I'm going for it tonight!

This will be a hodgepodge again; as much as anything it's my attempt to record these thoughts or observations for possible future consideration. So, here goes:

-- Note to myself at 12:30 a.m. Saturday: Baseball season has just started and I can already tell I'll have to set some boundaries or I'm going to be worthless. I seem to be able to just sit there and watch on TV day after day. I sometimes wonder how in the world people with season tickets for a major league baseball team get anything at all accomplished in life.

-- Note to myself at 12:17 a.m. Monday, after watching Texas Rangers win the finale of a home-run laden sweep of the Boston Red Sox in the afternoon and then watching the Texas Aggies beat Stanford in the semifinals of the NCAA Women's Basketball Final Four: Definitely gonna need to establish some boundaries and set some priorities. Cannot waste time following sports. It's so easy for me to get caught up. I just cannot let myself.

-- For the record, it's now 11:42 p.m. Monday, after 9 hours at work. I didn't watch the NCAA men's championship tonight, nor did I watch the Rangers (I do know they won and that Nelson Cruz extended his season-starting streak to four consecutive homers). And I will be setting the VCR to record the women's championship game tomorrow night when the Aggies and Notre Dame meet. So, maybe that's some progress.

-- This is a very challenging week at work. I thought it would be, and day one confirms exactly what I expected. A very hard-working, productive and gap-filling person is on vacation. She does stuff I don't think others even realize. I often help her out, but I cannot fill her shoes and have not been asked to. But it's hard for me not to try when I see things seeming to not get done on time or right. My goal is to not stress out and to keep track of how much I work. I guess I succeeded today. It requires prayer before, during and after. I prayed for wisdom to know when to speak up and when to stay quiet, and that seemed to be answered for the most part today. I'm grateful for that and so much more, including to be able to keep a good attitude.

-- I wrote last Tuesday about how I hoped the Texas A&M women's basketball team could beat Baylor that night to win the Dallas Regional and advance to the Final Four. I was afraid to get my hopes up. I worried that if I recorded the game, they would lose. Well, I recorded that game and they won, and then I recorded the national semifinal game Sunday (because it conflicted with Bible study) and they won that one, too. So the championship is tomorrow night (Tuesday). I'm working again, so I will record it. I hope they can win. I still don't pray for sports victories. But I know God knows it would make me and a bunch of people happy for them to win. (I also know God knows it would make a bunch of people sad. That's the way sports goes!) To watch this unheralded team and coach do as well as they've done so far, including beating No. 1 seeds the past two games, has been as enjoyable to experience as I thought it would. They are a team. They seem to have a perfect mix of pride and humility but above all a sense of team that I just love to see win. It seems like a different player comes through each time -- and then when you look back at each game, you see how several people had to come through each game. Isn't that what team sports are about? Watching them play inspires me.

-- The other thing I've been needing/wanting to write a few words about is just how hard March was and how glad I am to be through it. I wasn't expecting it to be that way at all, but starting with getting sick the last weekend of February, it seemed like each new day or week of March brought new challenges and frustrations. Even when I was over the cold or whatever, I was so far behind I couldn't decide where to start, and new deadlines and commitments kept coming up. I kept plodding along, trying to do the best I could, and stayed amazingly optimistic, sometimes to a fault (keeping me from going to the doctor when I needed to, perhaps). But finally, last Monday, after the worst seemed to be over and I just had a few more tasks to accomplish -- I just wanted to give up. I did not think I could get past these last things. My prayers didn't seem to be helping. So I asked others to pray for me as well. And sure enough, that mental paralysis dissipated and I was able to get the things done that I needed to do. Of course, what I've been reminded of every day since the month ended is that, yes, every day still brings new challenges. I don't know where I get the idea it won't be like that. Wishful thinking, I guess.

-- And even as March was such a struggle in some ways, especially physically, there were many amazing joys. Topping the list was my Dad's 85th birthday (March 20) weekend followed by his successful surgery to get a pacemaker. Throughout my struggles, my Mom and Dad were shining lights of inspiration and an example to not give up and just do my best to do the next right thing.

-- In summary: What I learned in March: Keep praying, keep obeying (or dare I say trying to, although I know I keep falling short) and keep giving the glory to God.

The pressure is on

2011-03-29T09:23:00.000-07:00

The pressure is on.

If the Texas Aggie women want to be the best, they have to beat the best. The road to the Final Four goes through the Baylor Bears tonight, at the NCAA Southwest Region championship in Dallas.

Last weekend I heard commentators say all the pressure is on 1-seed Baylor since they've won the two teams' first three meetings this year. How terrible would it be for them to lose now, when it matters the most. And because of those three previous meetings, the 2-seed Aggies know all about the Bears, according to the commentators.

But I think there's just as much or more pressure on the Aggies. Baylor's players know they can beat the Aggies. The Aggies won't know for sure they can beat Baylor until they actually do it. So I guess there's a lot of pressure on both sides.

For me, the pressure is whether to record the game. It seems teams I follow are less likely to win when I record the game. But I know I won't be able to watch it at work, and if it's as good as the first three games (except for the final score on those), I would like to be able to see it. And especially if/when the Aggies win. I would love to watch that team and coach cut down the nets!

Good friends assure me that my decision to record or not will have absolutely no bearing on the outcome of the game. In fact, the main effect it would have is the positive one of me not being as distracted at work tonight. So, I'm going to record.

The pressure is on. Gig'em Aggies! You can do this!!

Random observances, perhaps with some similarities

2011-03-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

It's blog deadline day, and I have some time while I wait for a phone call to be returned. So I'm just going to make a quick post about some seemingly random occurrences and observances, perhaps with some similarities. There's a pretty good chance I'll revisit some of these thoughts later.

-- Habits 1: My husband and I went to On the Border for dinner Saturday. It's not a place we usually go, but we had a $30 gift card and decided to use it. For some reason, when I go out to eat, it's become second nature for me to find the least expensive thing on the menu that I think will satisfy me. At Mexican restaurants, that's usually the tortilla soup. It works well, because it's the right amount (coupled with chips and salsa) and I like it very much. But when I looked at the menu, some of the combos really sounded interesting, including one of the fish tacos. But I ended up going with the soup and a house salad. When we got our bill, it was just a little over $22. That didn't leave enough on the card for another trip, but it seemed like too much to leave for a tip. After some discussion, my husband and I decided to leave all of it as the tip. After we left, I wondered why I didn't go ahead and "splurge." As I was feeling a tinge of regret, the thought occurred to me: Maybe the waiter needed that extra bit of cash. That thought makes me smile. And I liked what I had, so why even give it a second thought?

-- Habits 2. Whether it be chewing too much gum or some other reaction to stress that I know will make a situation worse (overeating, procrastinating), sometimes I think I'm the only one who does crazy stuff. But then I think a little more and realize everyone seems to have various kinds of habitual weaknesses. But when I finally confess to someone one of my deep, dark weaknesses, it seems like it's still easy for the other to say just don't do it. That really aggravated me when it happened Saturday, but I can't shake the idea that it really is the answer. Just don't do it. If eating/drinking/chewing when I'm stressed makes the stress symptoms worse, I've just got to find a way to stop. I may have made a tiny step of progress toward this today.

-- Singing breakthrough? When I sing, I really want it to be about the song, not about me. I just want to share the song and not get in its way. As with so many things, that's easier said than done.

-- Heavenly awareness. On Saturday night, while thinking of a relatively young friend (couldn't be too much older than me) who died unexpectedly Saturday and also thinking about how grateful I am for my Dad's resilient health, the thought occurred to me: Am I looking forward to heaven? When people die, I'm one who, so far, pretty quickly can accept that they are at a better place. But I had the awareness that I don't feel eager for me or my family to be there. In the face of some Bible study I've been doing, and maybe just growing older, I have to wonder about that. So many things I read suggest that people of great faith really have such great love for Jesus that, even while they enjoy their family and friends and time on Earth, they really do have a sense that they are just serving here and waiting for that glorious day. After Bible study Sunday, I mentioned my thoughts to the leader and asked if she's thought about that. She said she has, and she's ready. We had a good conversation. I think this is may be part of a very significant spiritual development for me. I'm not at that point of spiritual maturity yet, but I think I'm getting closer.

Pacesetters

2011-03-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

My Dad turned 85 yesterday (Sunday), and he's scheduled to get a pacemaker tomorrow (Tuesday). I'd say for someone with an irregular heartbeat, that apparently can get real slow sometimes nowadays, he's done a great job throughout life of keeping on keeping on and setting a good example for those who are watching, such as this daughter. And Mom's right there with him, day by day showing that life's too short not to stay active and treasure each moment.

I feel so blessed when I get to spend time with them, such as this past Saturday and Sunday. Mom had a get-together with some of the family Saturday at their house. Not all of the kids were there right then, but all had been by to visit in the past week. We all enjoy visiting each other, but it also seems good for Mom and Dad when we space out our visits rather than all come at once. Saturday was nice though. The weather was warm enough for people to sit around outside, on the north side of the house, shielded somewhat from the brisk south wind. As darkness fell, there was even a super moon to provide atmosphere! The dry weather and north Texas burn ban meant no candles on the cake, but that was OK, too.

Sunday brought worship with Mom and Dad, my brother and sister-in-law and one of their daughters, and a sister and brother-in-law and their daughter-in-law at the church we grew up in. I'd planned to be there ever since I realized Daddy's birthday was on a Sunday. I planned far enough ahead that I was able to provide special music, singing "His Eye Is on the Sparrow," filling a request for a church member who is also a relative. I may have even had a breakthrough singing there this time. It's where I grew up singing and wanting to sing, but somewhere along the way, I lost confidence. And even as I gained confidence singing other places, I'd become aware that when I sing during worship at Whaley, some of the old nervousness and doubt kicks in. But I prayed about it and really tried to just get lost in the words: Let not your heart be troubled/ His tender words I hear/ And resting in His goodness/ I lose all doubt and fear .... I sing because I'm happy/ I sing because I'm free/ His eye is on the sparrow/ And I know He watches me. I truly felt the joy and blessing of the song, and I'm grateful for that.

Besides the words of the song, I also was encouraged by another example from my pacesetter mom. She had set her mind to having Daddy's party at their house, even though it's not as roomy as some others that are pretty easily available. Even on Saturday, as the crowd grew, a comment was made that this could have been somewhere else. But Mom said she wanted to have it there, so Daddy didn't have to go anywhere. And she said she knew it would work. And it did. How I love that faith and spirit. I'm trying to hold onto it.

As for my Dad, in some ways he seemed as strong or stronger this weekend as I've seen him since his lung surgery last fall, and maybe for some time before that. The thought crossed my mind: Does he really need a pacemaker? But I do understand the need. And I appreciate that he and Mom are willing to do things to keep them as healthy as they can be. I'm still working to learn from that example for myself.

So, soon my pacesetting parents will have a pacemaker to help them out. (I say help them out because if it's good for Daddy, that's good for Mom.) Now I'll never be able to keep up! But I feel grateful and blessed for the pace they have set and my willingness to keep trying.

What it takes

2011-03-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

Psalmcat 52:3.14.11

During two weeks of what seemed like futile efforts in battling a cold, sinus congestion, allergies or whatever, I sometimes found myself wondering: What's it going to take to get over this?

Well, I finally feel better, and a few thoughts come to mind.

Time. This was probably the most crucial thing. Lots of experts say this, but people including myself often don't accept it. I drive myself nuts trying to find the right combination of rest, food, over-the-counter drugs and wondering whether I should go to the doctor or just let it run its course. I did the best I could with those things, but I think it was the passage of time that contributed the most to healing.

Hope. Many, many mornings, afternoons, evenings and nights I found myself thinking I was feeling better. I was so determined to keep a good attitude. And I think that does help in the long run, even though it also may have hurt in some short terms, as I kept heading on to work ("I don't feel THAT bad") instead of staying home to rest the fourth and fifth days. Instead, I waited until the weekend, and I ended up spending three days in bed. In those days, hope dimmed noticeably, but it didn't fade away. And now what I had hoped for has come to fruition.

Rest. I always know this is essential, but I try so hard to work in the adequate rest for healing while still being able to go to work. Maybe this time I will learn. On Thursday at work, I was sure I shouldn't be there, but I didn't go home. The next day, I thought I felt better and went back to work. And within a couple of hours, I knew I shouldn't be there again, but I still kept working. That's what led to a Saturday through Monday in bed. And I think that was essential to eventually getting better. And I also think I might have gotten better sooner if I'd stayed home in bed sooner.

Water. I typically drink a lot of water, but when it comes to clearing this congestion up, I needed to drink even more. And now that I'm better, I need to keep drinking plenty of water. I'm reminded of this when I feel little residual sensations in my nose or throat. (Time for a gulp now!)

Encouragement. I feel like a wimp when I'm sick, and I'd prefer people not even know. I don't want to draw pity. But I cannot discount the healing power of the prayers and encouraging words and support and unconditional love of family and friends when I'm honest about what's going on with me.

Prayer. Pray without ceasing, in the good times and the bad, even when answers don't seem forthcoming. And of course, I couldn't just pray for myself. All that time in bed, much of it unable to sleep, gave me many opportunities to lift up family, friends and concerns at large to the care of the Almighty God.

Faith. Between my Disciple Bible Study readings and my daily readings from Beth Moore's "Praying God's Word Day by Day," I've been reminded of an element of answered prayer that I'm not sure I'd ever even realized. As Beth put it on March 1 (day 2 of my misery), "Whether or not we like the concept, Christ loves to respond to us according to our faith." And then she included examples in the Gospels where people expressed their faith before they were healed. As Beth says, "Lord, I want to be like the one to whom You said, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.' (Matt. 15:28) Flourish this kind of faith in me, God!"

As usual, there are more things I could add, but I'm out of time. I'm just grateful and relieved to finally feel better. I continue to praise and thank God for His many blessings, including the love, support and encouragement of so many people in my life.

Birthday blessings and lessons

2011-03-11T21:41:00.000-08:00

Psalmcat 52:3.11.11

I really wanted to post something on my birthday, and my mind is blank.
I am blessed, and my mind is blank.
I was going to post about birthday blessings and lessons, but my mind is blank.
So I guess I should just go to bed. (It's much later than the time stamp will show.)

Sigh.
OK. I can't quite let it go ...

One of the thoughts/lessons: There's a fine line -- and a huge difference -- between being self-aware (good for me) and self-absorbed (bad for me). I've been venturing too close to the side that's bad for me. I think it may be part of a process as I come to terms with some of the things I'm becoming aware of about how I am and possible reasons why. I want to learn and grow, but I guess this, like everything else, will take time.

One of the blessings: The love and support and encouragement of family and friends, no matter what.

The greatest blessing: God's great love, on my birthday and always.

Cold facts

2011-03-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

I finally accepted that what I was experiencing was a cold when I realized its effect on the common-sense part of my brain: It froze!!!!!

I struggle with decisionmaking in many areas of my life, but one of the biggest struggles is in the area of sickness. The good news is that I'm not sick very much (thank you, God, and praying for continued health!). The bad news is that when symptoms start to appear, I don't seem to respond very well. The problem with my response typically isn't that I overreact and hibernate. Instead, I tend to discount the symptoms and rationalize that I'm not really sick. I self-analyze my symptoms and their onset, and I come up with what seems like a logical conclusion to me that it's probably just drainage resulting from pollen, that I'm not contagious, and I might as well go to work anyway. By the time I can't deny I was really sick, some of the gunk from the drainage has settled into my upper chest, and I feel worse than ever, with a nasty cough, runny nose, watery eyes, congestion, sore throat but somehow not much of a headache or other pain.

This time, the first symptoms showed up on Sunday, as I was unexpectedly very tired as I prepared to drive home from a weekend trip to Arkansas. But being tired made sense after a busy weekend, so I didn't think much of it. And even when I started to have a runny nose and drainage the next day, I truly thought it was sinuses or allergies, not a cold. I didn't have a cold or a fever. I didn't feel that bad. I might as well work. So I worked Monday. And Tuesday. By Wednesday, I was glad it was a short workday, thinking that if I skipped choir practice, I'd probably feel fine by Thursday. So, I'm not sure what happened Thursday morning, but looking back, I can tell that by then the common sense part of my brain had frozen. Because even though I obviously wasn't getting any better, I rationalized that I might be, and that I didn't want to leave people in a bind at work. And I didn't feel THAT bad, did I? By time I left work, I was pretty sure I felt pretty bad! But when Friday came, for some reason I decided I should work again. Same thought: I don't want to leave them in a bind. And even though midway through the 10-hour shift I knew I'd made a mistake in coming to work, I didn't leave, even as I could see they would have been OK without me.

So I reached the weekend hoping that by staying in bed except to eat and medicate on Saturday would turn the corner for me, so I'd be able to go to church. But I was wrong again. By Sunday morning, I could tell I didn't feel enough better to have any business going to church. So I'm still at the house. I hoped I might feel better by 4, so I might shower and go to my Bible study anyway. But I don't think that's happening, either.

So many issues. Among them ....

-- Why don't I go to a doctor? Because whenever I have gone, it hasn't seemed to help. Or that's how it seems from experience. But in this case, it occurs to me now that I probably should have gone when I wasn't better by Thursday. Now, however, I think I'm on the getting-better side, so I don't think I need to go. (Will I NEVER LEARN!!!!)

-- I have a good work ethic, and I'm proud of that. I don't miss work without a good reason, and I try to give reasonable notice. But there's a warp in my ethic when it comes to sickness, apparently. I don't want to leave people in a bind. I don't want to be a wimp. And I just never have a good feel for whether I really am sick.

-- Work is not my God, but when I look at the past week, I don't like the pattern I see about what I attended to every day (work) and the many things I let go, including recovery meetings, church, choir practice, Bible study, exercise and routine chores. My rationale is that everyone else has to fill in the gap at work if I'm gone, and church and everything else seems to go on fine without me, and that I'm the only one who suffers.

In hopes that this won't have been a wasted week, I'm trying to find some lessons in the experience. What is that line for me when I should recognize that I'm really sick and should stay home? How do I know when it's time to go to the doctor? What's the deal with my warped sense of priority toward not missing work? And where do I go from here? I feel some better, and think I'll be good tomorrow (hope springs eternal!!!!), but how will I ever catch up from getting so behind on everything except work?

I don't have answers right now, but this stuff (thoughts, not just the drainage) has been going on in my head all week, and it continues to be helpful to write it down. It's also crucial that I continue to pray and trust in God. Even in what seems like a wasted week, I can't forget to pray to know and do God's will, to His glory. I have to admit I think I did forget to pray along the way some. There is always so much to be grateful for. Writing about it, including the parts where I'm a bit embarrassed about how I deal with things -- and being able to put it out there for anyone who wants to read it -- keeps me moving forward. May I remain hopeful, grateful and faithful.

Routine challenges

2011-02-28T09:19:00.000-08:00

A busy weekend away from home provides another reminder that I'm not adjusted to my new work schedule. Two days in a row of getting up early and having full days has left me TIRED!

And now it looks like my may be changing somewhat. All I know about my schedule this week is that I go in at 2 p.m. today instead of 4 p.m. I assume that means I work until 10 instead of midnight. But I don't know. And if I work the "early" schedule instead of the late this week, I don't know how that will affect my 10-hour days (usually 2 to midnight). Will I go in at noon? Or will I work until midnight anyway?

That probably makes no sense (and may also seem like a strange way to be managed -- for workers not to know their schedule by the start of the work week), but in some ways it fits right in with my own chaotic mind today. It's bouncing around from one thought to the next, and I can't even capture one thought long enough for a coherent blog post!

There are things I don't like about working until midnight, but there are things I do like about a routine. Not knowing seems hard for me. "One day at a time" keeps coming to mind. Those are words I've been encouraged to live by, but I don't do so well. This week may test that.

Above all, I'm trying to remind myself what I know works regardless of what is going on around me or what I know or don't know about my schedule or the expectations of others: Turn to God. Praise God. Obey God. Thank God. In so doing, I will remember that I am blessed and that I will be equipped for whatever the day brings. That equipment will include a heart overflowing with love, compassion, humility, faith and gratitude, among other things.

Dear God: I am just continuing to pray to know and DO your will, one moment at a time, in all things, to YOUR glory. Amen.

Fine lines and fine-tuning

2011-02-21T12:34:00.001-08:00

There's no law that says I have to get 8 hours of pillow time every night, but it's been a great goal during these weeks of transition to working until midnight most weekdays. It has had benefits, even though I've still seemed tired. But maybe it's time to let go. I was awakened at 8:30 a.m. Saturday by a wonderful call from my brother. I so enjoyed catching up with him. But what will I do about just 6 1/2 hours sleep, I wondered. The obvious answer seemed to be a nap later.

That's not how it turned out though. After errands and a meeting starting at noon, I ended up watching or listening to a lot of basketball on TV, online and on the radio. I was able to do some other things while following the games, but napping wasn't among those things. I shut off the radio after the last of the three teams I was following won about 10:30 p.m., which would not have seemed that bad, except I had agreed to sing at early church the next day, which meant the alarm was set for 6. That still shouldn't be too much of a problem, I thought. Eight hours is the goal. It's not a rigid requirement.

Again, so much for my thoughts. It was a restless night. It didn't seem like I slept at all, so at one point I seriously considered sending an e-mail to the person in charge of the music and saying I would call in the morning to confirm that I wouldn't be in for early church. That really seemed like the reasonable thing to do. It didn't seem like I'd gotten any rest at all, so I thought I would be miserable when the alarm finally went off. But somehow, I awoke feeling fairly rested and refreshed. I figured my energy would suddenly crash, but I made it through a full day without it happening. In the meantime, I heard a great sermon, sang wonderful hymns with the congregation and a wonderful anthem with the choir (the same song I did as a solo at early church), and experienced an invigorating Sunday school discussion and later a Bible study, along with lots of fellowship. I also did the Sunday usuals: buying groceries, washing some clothes, riding my exercise bike and a lot of reading, a little housecleaning and calling my Mom, among other things. And no nap.

So, now it's Monday of a busy week in which I'd like to fit in some extra activities. I haven't figured out this sleep/schedule thing. Because I have to be alert up until midnight for work and after that for the 30-minute drive home, it seems imperative to me to make sure I get enough sleep. I don't want to feel too tired to drive home. But rigidity is starting to feel unrealistic. But without rigidity, I get little done other than eat, sleep and work.

So, it seems as if I'm walking along a fine line of what works and what doesn't work. I'm tempted to think it needs fine-tuning. But at the same time, it seems like maybe it's working just fine.

I have no resolution to this right now, but for some reason I think writing about it will bring me closer to an answer.

Things I do know and cling to:
-- God is in charge. Great is God's faithfulness.
-- God knows what I need and is providing it.
-- Seek, trust and obey God.
-- Thank God.

Lessons in humilty (just do it anyway!)

2011-02-14T12:27:00.000-08:00

-- I signed up for an 8-week Disciple Bible Study course at my church. It doesn't seem like I have time for the daily reading, and how do I know I'll be able to attend the group meeting each week? But this is one of those things that I sense God telling me: This one's yours. Don't fight it. Just do it. You'll see why, by and by!

-- A week ago, I braved potentially snowy roads on a Saturday to go from Norman to Oklahoma City for a 12-step meeting. No one else made it. I noted in my journal that it seemed like I'd traveled 25 miles for an hour of solitude. But the time turned out to be well-spent. I read and learned. And I felt a bond to people who have been there and done that before -- being the only person to show up at a meeting.

-- A week later (this past Saturday), I trekked to the city on a sunny day for a meeting. The room was full. More evidence that God knows just what I need when I need it.

-- An unhappy colleague who survived two rounds of layoffs has now officially resigned without a job securely lined up. For some reason, the person's decision was filled with lessons in humility for me. I guess what that involves is realizing I have no business judging others about anything. It's all I can do to mind my own business.

-- The Sunday school lesson included some discussion of why people don't seem to learn to follow God's good instructions for our lives. Among the reasons we gave was greed. But it occurred to me that, for me, the bigger issue truly is pride -- the thought that I somehow deserve better than what I'm getting. It's been going on with mankind since the start of Scripture! And realizing that also seemed to confirm the antidote: Submit myself humbly before God.

(I wrote this midweek, and for some reason I didn't post it. Maybe I thought it wasn't finished. But I don't feel like writing today, so it looks pretty good! What did I say? Just do it!)

More of the same (and that's good!)

2011-02-12T15:44:00.000-08:00

Psalmcat 51:2.12.11

This past week was filled with gifts of grace. Following a week in which I was so aware of how my best and most hope-filled plans seemed to get thrown off course, I experienced several days in which things that looked like negatives all ended up with positive results. And, of course, that's what also happened to those plans the previous week that seemed to be derailed.

Among the most recent examples:

-- Despite my best efforts not to care, I still struggle very much with wanting to be recognized for my diligent efforts as a copy editor in catching mistakes and keeping them out of the newspaper. But every month, no matter how many "catches" I enter in the newsroom contest (for January, it was more than 15, including misspelled or wrong names; wrong or missing dates; and factual errors) and no matter how good I think they are, someone else wins, usually for a single catch. I try not to let it bother me, but every month, my humanity gets in the way, and it does bother me. But this month, something unexpected happened. No, I didn't win for my "catches," but I won for a headline I wrote. It's ironic, because I don't consider headline writing one of my strengths at all. But when it comes to that monthly contest, I've probably been recognized more for my headlines than my editing. (Adding to the irony, I would not have been able to enter my winning headline, "Wave of expansions buoys Port of Catoosa," had another copy editor not caught that I originally wrote "bouyed.") I definitely heard God laughing in all of this and also trying to get me to learn a lesson in humility.

-- As each day passed since my crown prep work, and after returning to the dentist twice to have the temporary put back on, my doubts grew that the temporary would make it until my Feb. 21 appointment to have the permanent crown put on. So, in God's perfect timing, as I was somewhat dreadfully preparing to work into the night of impending snowfall on Tuesday and immediately after I had read that I didn't win for my catches and did win for a headline, the inside of my temporary crown crumbled!!!!!!! The other times, the whole thing came off, but this time, the inside crumbled into small pieces, and the outside stayed in place, although I could tell it was loose. Aaaagggghhhh!!!!!! I did not want to go back to the dentist, and since it was after 4 p.m., I decided I would wait until Wednesday to even call. As it turned out, the snow did come. I would have been able to make it to work for my four-hour shift on Wednesday, but instead I was able to get an appointment to take care of my tooth problem. And while there, I received totally unexpected good news: The permanent crown had come in early, so they were able to put it on!!!! After a tooth saga that had begun with crown prep work and 2 fillings on a snowy morning in mid-January, this was great news. So, the bad news of the temp crown crumbling turned into the good news of getting the permanent crown early. Maybe I'll be done with that for a while.

-- When snow and ice are in the forecast, it's hard for me not to fill with dread.
My place of employment stays open even when the weather is bad. When there's work to be done and I'm scheduled, I want to be there. But I live 25 miles from the office, so it's not always possible. So, I watch the forecasts and try to pack my car and an overnight bag appropriately and give it my best shot to get to work. The previous week, I was glad to be told to stay home on the worst day (even though I had to take personal leave time). This time, I could have made it to work, but I knew from the work plan of the previous day that enough people would be there to get the job done. Then, when the dentist's office was able to get me in, that made the decision to not go to work for my 4-hour shift even easier. (And since I didn't go to work, and my husband also was off because of the snow, we had an early Valentine's, going out to eat and then renting two DVD movies to watch.) So, two weeks in a row now, I've experienced silver linings among the snow and ice of winter weather. And because of my crazy schedule, I was able to miss just the four-hour shift each week, working the other 36 hours of my week the other four days.

Among the lessons learned (again?):
-- God knows exactly what each person, including me, needs, and He gives each person exactly what that person needs. But it's up to the person to accept what God gives. God doesn't force His gifts upon us. And sometimes the gifts are disguised.
-- God works all things for good.
-- God has a sense of humor. I might as well enjoy it and share it.

Making God laugh

2011-02-05T17:12:00.000-08:00

Psalmcat 51:2.5.11

I hope it's a sign of spiritual maturity and not immaturity or senility that I'm learning to laugh with God when He laughs at me after I make plans.

It seems I've found myself making plans several times since the start of this year, trying to become more organized and efficient. It even seems like I'm making my plans prayerfully, seeking God's greater good and not just my own selfish desires. But it also seems that every time, something unexpected has come along to shift my priorities from what I had planned. Layoffs (not me, fortunately, but they affected me), dental work, winter storms, even my parents' health to some extent have thrown me off my attempt to get "on track."

But the continuing refrain is that it is OK. God is great, I am blessed, and life is good. I laugh to myself as I write that, thinking of how cliche it sounds. And some days when I write those words in my journal or online, I have to check myself. Do I really believe that? Will I believe that if my health fails, I lose my job or my parents, or some tragedy befalls? Some day those things will occur, and I believe that the little detours God allows to get in my way are helping prepare me. I also know there were times in my life when these kinds of "little" detours immobilized me -- mentally, and sometimes even physically. It may seem cliche or trite, but the fact is, for me, since I've become more faithful in praying, reading the Bible, looking to God, looking for the good and being thankful in all things, my outlook has changed. I can find the good. I see the blessings. It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it has taken many, many years, and I'm pretty sure the journey is far from over. Some days are still a struggle. But hopelessness is gone, gone, gone.
What a joy!

It is a joy that, for today, when God seems to laugh at my plans, I can laugh, too, and be thankful. He is so good, and my heart rejoices.

Too tired to think, so I'll just say thanks

2011-01-29T17:21:00.001-08:00

Psalmcat 51:1.29.11

I'm not where I'd like to be in adjusting to a schedule that has me working until midnight 4 out of 5 days each week, but I'm in a much better place mentally and physically than I expected to be at this point, at the end of the first month. The strongest feeling or sensation right now is sheer exhaustion of mind, body and spirit -- and so I won't be writing more than this summary.

I'm thankful for a relationship with and faith in a loving God who takes care of my every need, often through the words and actions of family members and friends, but also through the written and recorded words of people I'll never know. I'm increasingly able to find the inspiration or blessing in a moment and to let go of the frustration or negativity. Songs, Scriptures and sayings that to some people may seem trite come to hold dear meaning to me as I continue to experience their truths.

For me, the source of all things is God, and to Him belong all the glory, honor and praise. I continue to pray to live in a way that glorifies, honors and praises Him. I feel grateful and blessed to know that He answers that prayer because of His great love for me. Thank you, dear God.

Signs and wondering

2011-01-22T09:58:00.000-08:00

In a conversation last Sunday, someone mentioned praying to God for a sign about a work-related situation. I said I guess I do that, although I more typically just pray for direction rather than for a specific sign. But after that conversation, I may have prayed for a sign. And as the work week evolved, I found myself wondering:

-- It seemed like Monday there was a good sign, with some positive information about how to handle a bad situation the previous Friday. Maybe this job is where I need to be.

-- Tuesday seemed to bring mixed signals, as I saw a discouraging pattern of at least one person not making it in to work each day. Because of other circumstances, I found myself wondering: Are they really sick, or just sick of it.

-- But Wednesday came the most powerful sign: Not only were there more layoffs (I understand that in this economy), but some issues about the choices that were made for the second time in less than a year still make no sense to me. The bottom line and powerful message: There is no security in my job. It doesn't matter how hard a person works, how positive they try to be or how good they do, that person might be let go and someone with less skills, a less positive attitude and less productivity still be there. I thought I learned that last time, but apparently it didn't sink in. Actually, I had hoped "they" would have learned. But that didn't seem to happen.

The good news for me is that, so far, I don't even have to wonder about whether I should just quit trying. My faith and understanding of my service to a Higher employer tells me to do my work, whatever it is, for the glory of God. He'll provide whether I'm on this job, unemployed or working somewhere else. Surprisingly, I really do believe that today. And today is all that matters, right?

One of my favorite devotional readings, from a 12-step program, was very timely on Thursday, as I faced a little reluctance on a day that included 2 tooth fillings and crown prep at the dentist and 10 hours at work. Do I really want to do this?
Excerpts from the reading:
"When a man's willing and eager, God joins in." Aeschylus
When a job or situation or personal problem seemed too hard, I used to say, "I can't do it." ... I have tapped a source of power greater than myself. All I need to start the action is willingness. ... What is the willingness formula? Prayer. When the miracle happens, I watch a defect evaporate, a task easily done, a problem solved. God does for me what I cannot do for myself.

I thank God for answering my prayer for willingness and offering Good Orderly Direction in times of chaos as well as times of smooth sailing!

Keeping the faith during stressful reality

2011-01-15T20:08:00.000-08:00

Psalmcat 51:1.15.11

I was brutally reminded by my body on Monday at work that faith and positive thoughts don't always -- immediately -- overcome the physical effects of stress. But seeking God's will and trusting Him to provide whatever I need, including knowledge of His way and strength and wisdom to adhere to that path, is my only effective option. And I continue to be reminded that it works.

I was already thinking I would have to blog about this topic when a friend posted this on Facebook: "Not sleeping well...stress is slowly trying to kill me...hope you all have a great day!!!"
Others also posted about emotional, stressful and painful days. I think we all hate to post anything negative, but it does seem that sometimes it is the right thing to do, because it allows others to offer support. And that support helps. And at least as regarded myself and my friends this past week, posting also helped the person find a positive focus.

The morning after my worst day of the week, Scripture and devotional readings provided much guidance and assurance:

-- Lord God, according to Your Word, if I wholeheartedly commit whatever I do to You, my plans will succeed (Prov. 16:3). I acknowledge that the heart of committing any plan to You is seeking YOUR plan. Show me the right path, Father! (From my daily devotional by Beth Moore; timely words for me)

-- My Scriptures included Genesis 22 (God testing Abraham and finding him faithful); Psalm 6:6-10: The Lord has heard my cry for help ....; Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart .... ; and Matthew 8:18-34, including Jesus calming the storm.

After enduring that night of work Monday in which my body was in major stress pain and my mind almost as bad, Tuesday was much better. As I tried to think of what was different, I finally realized it was this simple: God is faithful. He keeps His promises. Some days will be better than others but God is always good and will see me through when I continue to seek Him and to live to His glory.

The rest of the week seemed to be going pretty well, but then Friday brought a lot more frustration and doubts about whether it really is worthwhile to keep trying to do what I think is the right thing. It was a day in which it seemed like no good effort would go unpunished. I hated that I felt so resentful and full of self-pity, but when that is how I feel, denial just compounds the problem. So I just kept praying for God to help me understand and to keep the faith, even when it seemed again like a pointless effort.

Today, I received some answers. Although I don't particularly like them in the short run, I know they bring positive results in the long run. And those positive results are already occurring. The study at my 12-step meeting was about turning our will and our lives over to the care of God and then taking a personal inventory to find out what within us is standing in the way of our usefulness to God and our fellows. The book spells it out clearly, and my experience also bears it out.

Resentment and self-pity may seem justified, but they provide no positive results. But what can I do about them? The book affirmed what I know: I cannot wish them away. But I can ask God to remove them. And He will. I know that, but sometimes I forget. Or maybe sometimes I don't want to let go right away. It helped me to think of how God really has taken these negative feelings away in the past and how freeing that has been to my mind and spirit.

The book also reminded me that God does provide what I need. He sees the big picture. I can trust that God knew I didn't need some recognition I thought I deserved yesterday. And I can also see that God knew I needed to head home after 11 hours of work even though there was more to be done; He helped me see and trust that others who hadn't been there as long could finish it. And then He guided me safely home.

As I was driving home from work after 1 o'clock this morning, my thought was that I do have faith in God and that I'm grateful for that. I was thinking that I have come to trust God completely, although sometimes I forget that, too. I was thinking that it's not a matter of trust, but a matter of not knowing for sure what God wants me to do. But even in my tiredness in that 30-minute drive home, it also occurred to me that perhaps the reason I can't discern for sure what God wants me to do is because I don't trust Him completely. Perhaps my fear and rebellion and self-will keep me in denial. But that's a topic for another day.

For now, I'm just grateful that even though some circumstances continue to be less than ideal, God meets my every need, often through the love and support of my family, friends and colleagues. And as that happens, I continue to respond by doing what I can to share and help others.

Christmas in January

2011-01-08T16:46:00.000-08:00

It's the second weekend of January, and I'm still celebrating Christmas. I guess that's what happens when you try to find the silver lining in whatever life brings.

Yesterday I watched the DVD of the Texas Rangers landmark season as the American League champions. It was a Christmas present that had to be shipped late. It was fun to watch and to appreciate my nephew for getting it for me. Today, another shipment of presents came, including a fascinating coffee-table book with writings and photographs of art masterpieces inspired by the Bible. And then there's my iPhone, which I guess I effectively traded in the camera to get! (I was going to get the iPhone anyway, but now that I have it, the camera can wait, or so it seems.)

Tomorrow, I'm singing a Christmas song at church. I debated all week whether it would be OK to do so late, and I've decided, with some encouragement from family and friends, that it is OK. I didn't have a chance to sing special music during December. And the message of what happens at Christmas isn't just for Christmas. As I've practiced, I've enjoyed being reminded that "love came down ... chains (are) broken ... songs of hope (ring) through the skies ... A Father calls through a gift of life ...."

Continued celebrations of Christmas seem fitting in a week of days in which I've tried to find blessed gifts in new and sometimes trying circumstances.

My body and mind and home life still aren't crazy about my new work schedule, but they're all glad I have a job and that, so far, I've been able to keep a good attitude and get started on developing a good routine. Right now, though, it also seems like work when I'm home, because I have to keep a pretty tight schedule if I want to get anything done at all. I still have no sense of passage of time between when I get up and when I go to work. I'm more accustomed to work (or church) being the first order of business each day. It's strange to have time to do so many other things first ... and tempting to not be ready when all of a sudden it's time to actually go to work. Meanwhile, my husband and I have made the most of maximizing some of our time together. That's been good. I think we both realize we had taken for granted the great schedules and work flexibility we'd had these past 28 or so years.

Being scheduled to allow me to attend choir practice on Wednesdays is every bit the gift I thought it would be. Choir members were glad to see me, and I was more appreciative to be there than perhaps I had been before. Again, it's amazing how easy it is to take things for granted. It's also interesting to me that, as important as The Seeking Hour at 7 a.m. Wednesdays had seemed to me, I'm not really upset to give that up. I do hope to continue to include aspects of that prayer discipline in my week if not my daily routine.

Friday, I visited a friend in the hospital. I'm not sure I would have done that with the old work schedule. I think my visits with my dad during his recovery from lung surgery last fall also impressed upon me the importance of such visits. Even though my friend could not speak or clearly acknowledge he knew who I was, I felt much hope and continue to pray it's just a matter of time before a breakthrough leads to a strong surge of recovery.

Yesterday and today, the sun shone brightly. That's always a gift in January, even when potentially nasty weather more typical of the season is in the immediate forecast. I'm grateful for every sunny day -- and grateful for insulated outerwear, warm clothes, heaters, a car that runs, etc., on the days when the weather isn't so bright.

Today is a gift. Life is a gift. Gratitude is a gift. Love is a gift. Blessed by all of these and more each moment from God, how can I not feel the joy of Christmas all these days later? Thank You, God. And I'm reminded that the way to most fully experience these gifts is to share them. I pray to do so, to God's glory.

Ready for action!

2011-01-01T14:59:00.000-08:00

It's 2011, and I'm ready for action. Or, at least I'm ready to offer some good action verbs:

Live. Love. Laugh. Learn.
Pray. Praise. Play. Persevere.
Rest. Rejuvenate. Read. Rejoice. Remember. Realize.
Give. Grow.
Exercise. Excise (excess). Enlighten. Enjoy.
Abide. Abstain. Appreciate. Adore. Accept.
Care. Cooperate. Celebrate. Cook. Clean. Create.
Beautify. Be. Bless.
Dance. Delight. Dine. Decide.
Forgive. Free. Face. Feel.
Help. Hug. Hope.
Illuminate. Illustrate. Inspire.
Jump. Juggle. Justify, Judge (fairly).
Keep. Kindle.
Move. Make.
Open. Optimize.
Qualify. Quantify. Question.
Share. Sing. Sigh. Simply.
Touch. Tell. Think. Travel.
Unite. Unify. Understand.
Verify.
Write. Work.
Yearn.

I toyed with putting this in alphabetical order, but the missing letters would stand out more, and the ones that came to mind first wouldn't be at the top. This is in no particular order, but there is something about the order that I do like. The words inspire me. May I embrace them and live to God's glory.

Through it all: Sweet music of life

2010-12-31T18:57:00.000-08:00

As 2010 winds down, I feel compelled to write again about two events from this past year. They stand out above the rest as evidence that even in the toughest times, the sweet music of life can be heard and shared.

The first is so bitter I hate to even write about it. On Jan. 5, as I was preparing to meet my brother in Weatherford to watch his daughter play basketball with her college team from Arkansas, I got a call from my mom saying Mike wouldn't be coming to Oklahoma. When I asked why, the news was stunning: My uncle Joe, who lived near Mike and his family in Arkansas, had been found dead that morning. Circumstances were tragic and unsettling and to this day seem incomprehensible. But as has happened every time my Mom or my Dad or anyone in their families have faced dire situations, close and extended family and friends rallied together in faith and fellowship to get through it. Some relationships seemed to grow stronger and become more treasured with the stark reminder of just how precious and fragile life is. In no way, shape or form did any of the positive outcomes make up for the loss and heartache. But I think a powerful lesson of life and faith is that even in the worst of times, we have choices. Even in the face of my uncle's irreversible choice that seemed to be born of hopelessness, survivors chose to find hope and forgiveness and precious memories and the faithfulness of God.

The second development began in mid-August. When my Dad, a longtime (but by then ex-) smoker who also has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) and emphysema, decided it was time for a chest x-ray, a small spot was found on a lung. Thus began a series of doctor's visits and tests and evaluations; a cancer diagnosis; indecision and decisions -- and eventually surgery on Oct. 5. After initially amazing results and recovery and then some setbacks and discouragement, he left the final hospital Nov. 24, the day before Thanksgiving.

I've written many words about this as Dad and Mom and the family went through the decisions and the results of those decisions. Many of those words are in past blog posts. Tonight, I'm just trying to feel and put into words some of my love and joy and gratitude for God and my parents and my family and friends. And words still come up woefully short. How do you convey through written words a smile, a hug and the warm pulse of a beating heart? Close your eyes, and maybe you'll see and feel it.

At least on the surface, many things continue to look bleak as I prepare to turn the calendar page. There are loved ones in poor health or without jobs. Some aspects of our culture, the economy and world are frightening. We're all getting older ....

But the year that's ending teaches me not to be afraid -- or at least to not stay afraid. It's OK to feel moments of sadness, discouragement, grief, frustration, anger and fear. But I need not let them paralyze me. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. ... He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. ... Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever" (Psalm 23).

Even when I recite the 23rd Psalm in my head, I hear music -- the sweet music of life that flows from faith, family, friendship and spirit. May I never cease to seek it and share it -- and give the glory to God.

Like coal in my stocking

2010-12-29T21:24:00.000-08:00

Well, the good news is I still have a job. The not-so-thrilling news is that starting Jan. 3, I'll be working until midnight most days. I learned this the week of Christmas, and it seemed kinda like getting a lump of coal rather than a desirable gift in my stocking.

I typically don't deal with change very well, and that's the case again. I try to keep planning and hoping for the best. I see opportunities to make a fresh start on sleep patterns, exercise, eating and use of my nonwork time. But then my stomach weighs in, and I know I'm very, very unsettled. More than my hours are changing, but I don't yet know what the other aspects will involve.

Several times I've convinced myself I see more positives than negatives -- helped largely by amazing support from my husband, who has expressed willingness to make adjustments, too. The fact that, at least for the first month, I'm scheduled so that I can take off in time to attend choir practice on Wednesdays is another plus. But I don't see me getting up at 6 a.m. Wednesdays for the Seeking Hour that has become such an important part of my weekly routine.

For now, the uncertainty is the worst part. Even as I hope and plan for the best, I'm also trying to be prepared for the worst. What if I don't adjust? What if I can't sleep? What if I start overeating again? What if I don't like the changes in what I actually do at work? What if ...? What if ...?

So far, for every negative "what if ...," I've been able to eventually shift my mind -- at least temporarily -- to a positive thought. (I still haven't convinced my stomach.) Scripture reminds me it's a waste of time to worry about tomorrow. I cling to that and the message of Christmas, that God is with me. I also can't shake the thought that even a lump of coal can be put to productive use.

I hope that by dispatching this bit of possibly negative reality, I'll be able to sit down tomorrow or Friday and write a more upbeat assessment of the year that's ending and what may await in the coming year.

It's Christmas Eve, and I must share ....

2010-12-24T12:16:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm finally finished buying and wrapping Christmas presents. (This is funny, because I started writing this before midnight the day before Christmas Eve, and the finishing hasn't actually happened. But by time I post this, it will!

This has been a difficult December in many ways, and I've sometimes found myself just wanting it to be over. But even as I've gone through some of those difficult days, I've been able to quickly see blessings and learn lessons. Even when circumstances have changed in ways I didn't like, I've been able to rebound fairly quickly and regain a positive outlook.

And now it's Christmas Eve (really; I'm back the the computer, finishing what I started). The presents are bought and wrapped. It's about time to start spending time with family and loved ones. A Christmas Eve candlelight service is in the plan, as well as prayer and reflection; meditation and gratitude; maybe some opportunities to serve and offer hope, laughter, encouragement, compassion, love, maybe a song or two and other gifts from the heart.

Partly because of the difficulty of this December, I feel more aware than ever of the true meaning of God's gift at Christmas: the presence of the indwelling Christ, God with us, the Child Who was born to bring us hope and save us from our sins. I need that, and I need to share that. At Christmas and always.

The words from another song on Point of Grace's "Home for the Holidays" CD captures some of what's in my heart this Christmas Eve:

Do you hear what I hear
On this Christmas Day
Word of God now bundled in a manger lined with hay.
Baby with a message, born to grow

Hear the sound of chains now broken
Love came down -- God has spoken.
Songs of hope ringing through the sky
On this not so silent night .....

Oh to be an angel on a midnight clear
Joining in a chorus of unending joy
Tell it on the mountain -- Heaven has drawn near
Hand of God with fingers of a baby boy ...

Hear the bells resound with glory
Hear them tell the age-old story
Songs of hope ringing through the sky
On this not so silent night .....

You can hear this (which really comes alive with the music and harmonies) and the other songs (including the delightfully joyous "Joy to the World") on their website, pointofgrace.net.

May the songs and joy and love and all that God offers be yours at Christmas and always!

Christ is born! Hallelujah! Joy the world! The Lord is here!

Great gifts of the season

2010-12-18T17:23:00.000-08:00

I'm glad I listened past the almost too country and too cute Christmasy songs at the start of Point of Grace's new Christmas CD, "Home for the Holidays," to get to some with messages and/or arrangements that gave my spirit a lift.

One of my favorites, both for the words and the way they are delivered, is "Immanuel." I couldn't find a transcript of the lyrics, but this is the first verse and chorus:

No decorations, no tree with tinsel, no lights this year at home
The rooms are silent, no carols play.
It's the first time she is all alone.
But what a wonder; she says there's comfort ...
Immanuel: Our God is with us.
Yes, He is with us still.
Immanuel. He has not left us, and He never will.

It's about people facing the festive season with emptiness, loss and heartache; the broken and lost. It seems I'm aware of more people than ever in those kinds of situations. Some, as in the first verse, remind themselves, and others need to be reminded that even in those circumstances, God is with them. And His people, including me, can help be that reminder.

Is it that simple? Does understanding and remembering that God is with us, whatever comes our way, really make a difference? Does sharing that message with someone else by taking time to call, visit or help, really make a difference? Well, it did today. It did last Sunday. In fact, it has daily. Just thinking of the reality that God is with me really does make a difference.

Joy to the world. The Lord has come. And He is still here!

What a gift! And, as the final song on that CD reminds me, what a Gift-giver. For indeed, God is the Giver and the Gift. Not only on one holy night, but always. May I always be grateful. May I rejoice and sing. And may I share that gift!

Advent --- Not Quite What I Was Expecting

2010-12-14T16:41:00.000-08:00

I feel as if the joy and gratitude I know are in my heart are being buried beneath waves of weariness. And as much as I would like to write more, this is the best I can do tonight. There are just too many things I need to do other than writing for me to justify taking the time to sort through all the words to make sense of what I want or need to express. Maybe if I tend to some of the necessary busywork now, the words will come by the weekend. That is my hope and prayer.

Decision Points?

2010-12-07T18:55:00.001-08:00

It's early December, and part of me has skipped right past Christmas and is thinking about new year's resolutions. Since one of those resolutions might be to live more fully in each moment, it's obvious the need is real.

A few things recently got me to thinking about resolutions.

One is my continuing annoyance and shame over a few of my habits. Anyone who has paid attention knows I chew way too much gum and have a disgusting habit of picking at bumps and rough skin. These may or may not be a big deal, but the thing I'm keenly aware of is that I won't be able to let go of them -- or even just cut back -- without a very determined effort. I'm aware that just thinking about it and the reasons I want to stop or cut back actually make me more compulsive about the habit. I can tell it's going to take not only a physical plan of action but also a plan that involves mental and spiritual resolve. And I'm not ready yet. Maybe if I start praying for willingness now, it will come sooner rather than later.

Another was a Facebook post from one of my nieces. She wrote on Dec. 1: "... is thinking that if I start practicing my New Years Resolutions now by the time 2011 rolls around I might have them down!!" Good luck with that, I thought, assessing my own reality.

The third thing that has me thinking about resolutions stems from having started to read former President George W. Bush's memoir "Decision Points." Rather than being presented as a life story as such, the book's structure is based on looking back at key decisions, mostly in his presidency but also at other times in his life. It starts with his decision to quit drinking. What it made me realize is that I never know whether I've actually made a decision until I can look back and see whether I followed through. Maybe this is related to my compulsive tendencies (mine don't involve alcohol) and need for a 12-step program that includes Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him." I've done that and continue to reaffirm that decision daily. One day at a time, it keeps me from turning to food as my God. So, what's the deal with this gum? It's not my God, but it seems like more than a nervous habit. Even though it wastes a bunch of money, I'm not sure it causes any ill effects to my health or the well-being of others. In fact, it only seems like an obsession when I try to let it go. (But isn't that the definition of an obsession or addiction -- when you can't or won't give it up even when you think you want to?) I just know that on some level I would like to be free of the excess. But I don't guess I'd like to enough yet to make what seems like a sacrifice.

I know I've made many important decisions in my life that have been transformative in positive ways. This is happening more often as I grow older. But it's also as I grow older that I'm more aware of the decisions I want to make but keep avoiding. I'm aware that I can't get back wasted moments, squandered opportunities, misspoken words or misspent money. I think there is value in looking back to learn from experience, but I want to move forward, to grow and develop. But I guess I'm still not ready to make a decision. I'm just wishing. Or so it seems. Maybe by the start of the new year I'll be ready. Or maybe tomorrow. Or maybe tonight. I guess I'll know when I look back.

More than a month of thanksgiving

2010-11-30T20:39:00.000-08:00

Much about the month of Thanksgiving has seemed difficult for me. It seems as if ever since we changed back from daylight saving time, I've been more tired, and day-to-day life has been a struggle. Does winter get harder as we age? That's seeming to be the case, but maybe (I hope) I'm just going through a phase.

Even as much about November has seemed difficult, and I'm still more tired than I think I should be, I cannot contain the joy and gratitude I do feel. It's readily expressed in smiles and excited conversation when people at work or church or elsewhere ask me how my Dad is doing after his lung surgery. I can go on and on talking about those precious moments that make my heart sing and my soul rejoice. Writing about them isn't as easy. (And the pictures I took didn't adequately capture the moments, either.) But I want to write about them, to help me never forget.

Highlights, as simply as possible:
-- Knowing Daddy was back on the farm Nov. 24, the afternoon before Thanksgiving. How I wish I could have been there to see him. But it was enough just to know. Daddy was born on that farm and has lived there most of his life. I like that Mom picked him up at the rehab hospital and drove him home and didn't call to tell any of the kids until they were there. But from what she said, after that, the house had a steady stream of family members until Sunday afternoon.
-- Hearing Daddy tell the stories of my only brother and my youngest of four sisters working together to rearrange furniture to make things a little more convenient for Mom and Dad. Mike and Amy also did projects around the farm and went to a ballgame together. To hear Daddy tell it, neither one was in charge; they just worked as a team. I don't know how often they've done that through their 40- and 50-plus years. Daddy knows they got a lot done, but he seemed to think that even if the results hadn't been great, just watching them work was worth something.
-- Daddy saying grace for the roast dinner Mom fixed for Gene and me and Daddy on Saturday. I wondered if we'd say grace and who might be asked to do it. There was no question; Daddy just did it, humbly and from the heart.
-- Daddy's determination that he would go to church Sunday. The weather seemed cold and windy, and his immune system is probably still not up to par and he would need to take the portable oxygen container and he hadn't had a bath since Wednesday morning, but none of that seemed to deter his desire. I was grateful for that desire, and I prayed he would be able to follow through. But I was prepared for it not to work out. I told him that if he tried but ended up getting too tired or it was too much trouble, he could wait until next week. But when I got to church in Gainesville Sunday morning, Mom drove up with Amy and Daddy right behind me. Again, I cannot express how much that meant to me. The people of that church are like extended family to me, and to see how joyful people of all ages seemed to see Charles back -- again, it just makes me smile. (There's so much more that I want to write here, but again, I'm trying to keep it simple.)
-- And then there's the gratitude for Mom and the lessons I learn from her. This is probably the hardest to put into words, so I won't get it done tonight. I just know that I learn so many valuable lessons of faith and action and support and love and endurance and so much more from her. She's definitely the glue that holds our family together. She is an amazing woman. (I had a bad experience at the dentist today, and one of my thoughts was that my Mom certainly did not raise me to be such a whiny, easily frustrated person! I'm still learning!)

One of my recurring awarenesses in November and probably even before we learned of the possibility Daddy might have cancer in mid-August is that I don't understand why God keeps being so good to me and my family and why, even when it looks like things could get bad, we keep receiving blessings. I know God is that good, but I also know that the reality of life is that His goodness often will be manifest in times of pain and suffering and grief and sorrow, not just during the celebrations and healing and recovery. I do know that, as a family, we have managed to stay focused on the blessings even in what mostly seem like relatively minor or routine sufferings in the scheme of life (and yes, there have been some major ones, and we've kept a faithful focus in those, too). I pray that I will never fail to praise God for His blessings -- including the blessing of seeing His goodness when the good isn't obvious. But when the good is obvious, I just want to shout and sing and praise God.

And so it is as the month of Thanksgiving draws to a chose. Thank you, God!

Simple Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T20:18:00.000-08:00

I don't want to let Thanksgiving Day end without writing some words of gratitude. I'm going through a phase where I'm so tired I can hardly think, but I still need/want to write. Last night, I went to bed without reading my Bible, brushing my teeth or washing my face for the the first time in longer than I can remember. And I still woke up tired for an untraditional Thanksgiving. I didn't watch any parades or fix or eat turkey, dressing or any of the familiar foods. Gene and I just had grilled fish and veggies. Yummy! No visits or company. Just us and the cat. And morning to bedtime sports on television. It's not my preferred way for spending Thanksgiving, but this year I think it may have been perfect.

One thing that made it right is that I know my Daddy is back on the farm, just short of two months from when he went to the hospital for surgery for lung cancer. I think it actually took him longer to get back home than we expected, but I cannot express how grateful I am that he had the surgery and that it was successful and that he and Mom persevered through all of the hospital and rehab stays to make this possible. I would have loved to have been there to share those moments as he arrived back at the home place, but my heart rejoices just to know. Knowing other siblings were there for Thanksgiving made it easier for me to wait until the weekend to visit. I can hardly wait!

But I'm also reminded that this is the first Thanksgiving without a dear loved one for many people. Several who are dear to me lost parents or spouses or other close loved ones this year. I know of at least one instance in which my excitement about my father ended up being painful for one of these people. And there was nothing I could do to make it OK after the pain was realized. I'm still praying to know the proper balance.

As I often write on this blog and was reminded when I reviewed some things for my blog "anniversary," I'm grateful to have the freedom to write down my thoughts and publish them even when they're not very well developed. Posts such as this seem to plant seeds or cultivate thoughts or habits that lead to the few posts that I really feel good about.

So, I still haven't said what I mean to say about thanks and gratitude. This year, I've tried to keep in mind to Whom my thanks and praise are due. It is God. I thank God for the good, and I thank God as I face challenges. I praise Him for Who He is. I try not to just thank God for what He's done for me. I'm learning and really taking to heart that God is worthy of worship, praise and thanksgiving no matter what is going on in my life. God loves me unconditionally. That alone should be enough for unending praise and gratitude. But in addition to that, because He loves me, He just keeps blessing me. On Thanksgiving and always, I pray that my life will be one that reflects my gratitude and praise, to God's glory.

The journey continues

2010-11-19T09:51:00.001-08:00

I realized last Saturday that I missed my blog anniversary. And I'm just now writing about it! Amazing.

I started Nov. 5, 2009. My goals were pretty meager.
-- Post at least one thing each week.
-- Feel free to go back in and edit.
-- See where it leads.
-- Give the glory to God.

The good news is that I can say I've achieved them. The bad news is that the goals were pretty meager, so I'm not sure I accomplished much.

It's been much more me-focused than I had hoped. I would like to be writing more descriptive narrative expressing appreciation for things I see outside myself, rather than so much about what's going on in my own life and mind. But maybe that's like wishing I could sing with a more resonant voice, or wishing I could swim and dive. I've made attempts to learn those things, and what I was being taught just didn't seem to work for me. It's like trying to write right-handed. Some people can do it well, myself included, others not so much. Maybe my distinct writing voice, like my singing voice, is destined to be fairly simple. To the casual observer, it probably seems immature and undeveloped. And maybe that's OK. Simple things deserve appreciation, too, perhaps.

One of my recent spiritual lessons has included a look at why some churches are good at raising money and doing whatever it takes to accomplish great things, while it seems as if the ones I am most closely connected to struggle even to meet operating expenses and adequately pay the pastor and staff. Yes, we get a lot done in ministry and fellowship and caring for people within and outside the congregation, but when it comes to doing GREAT things for God, it seems I'm not the only one who's holding back mightily. A thought I had about this during last Sunday's sermon (drawn from verses in Nehemiah 6) was that maybe I'd get lost in one of those churches filled with supergenerous saints. Maybe God also needs the witness of churches filled with people who struggle to respond to His call. And maybe I need the struggle to stay real.

I was pondering some of this as I drove to work one day this week, and I had to ask myself (again): Who am I to say this isn't exactly how God wants me to be? As I told a friend, the way I am seems pretty lame to me, but God keeps finding ways to use me. But how do I know for sure whether this is God's perfect will for me, or whether He's just continuing to work all things, even my failure to achieve my best for Him, to His greater good. (Did I say I have a simple voice? Maybe I should have said simplistic -- underdeveloped and confused. Fortunately, it's also a probing voice that keeps seeking to know more.)

So, I'll keep on keeping on, with the blog and with life and with seeking to know and do God's will. Sometimes an anniversary or birthday or new year prompts me to set new goals. I think I'll just keep the ones I have for the blog. But I am praying to become willing to be willing to set some goals for specific aspects of my life, especially regarding specific uses of time and money where I know my excesses don't really hurt anyone, and maybe not even me, but I also know that adjustments would surely enrich my life and my ability to help others.

As I wrote in the first blog post: The urge to write never leaves. ... When I joined FaceBook recently to help stay in touch with family members, something about the power of written expression was rekindled within me. Framing thoughts into phrases or sentences and then posting them -- publishing them -- invigorated me. And when FaceBook friends commented .... wow! I've had to ask myself: Is this a blessing or a curse? I've asked the question prayerfully, and so far, the answer is that it's a blessing. And so I've started what is a new adventure for me. It's possible nothing will show up on this blog that will be of interest to anyone other than the writer. But it's also possible something will emerge that is worth the time and thought of a reader. I look forward to finding out.

The journey continues!

Bearing fruit?

2010-11-13T20:10:00.000-08:00

The two topics I brought up last week have continued to be on my mind.

-- "Bear Fruit or Else."
-- "Am I praying or just wishing?"

When I think of the fruit I think I should be bearing, I don't think I'm being very productive. My to-do list gets longer and longer, not helped by the fact that I'm getting more and more behind on even routine things. The parable of a garden owner, the garden keeper and a fig tree within it in Luke 13:6-9 could really discourage me. If God gave me a deadline for getting my act together in terms of physical and material things, organization, getting stuff done, being efficient, etc., I'd be doomed. But fortunately Scripture also draws me to Galatians 5:22, where the fruits of the spirit are listed: Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Do those fruits really matter more than a clean house, efficient use of money and time, getting things done or producing results? That thought gives me hope, because I do see evidence of those fruits in my life as I continue to read the Bible and pray to know and do God's will.

The other thing I've been very aware of recently is the idea of whether sometimes my prayers are really just wishes. In the same way the concept of bearing fruit forces me to consider what kind of fruit matters, the idea of prayers versus wishes makes me contemplate the meaning of each. I realize that, for me, wishing is magical. I want things to be different automatically, just because I want it. I don't want to have to work for it. Or I just want to be magically transformed into having the willingness and ability to do what it takes. On the other hand, I realize that my concept of praying is communicating with God and seeking to surrender my will to Him. This isn't magical. It usually involves action on my part, although it doesn't have to. God does perform miracles and lavishes me with love and mercy and grace and blessings that sometimes seem magical. But such things can always be traced to the hand of a faithful, loving, merciful, sovereign, holy God.

It's worthwhile for me to make sure my prayers are really prayers and not just wishes. That also helps keep me attuned to the source of all my blessings and to praise God in all things.

This fruit's far from ready.....

2010-11-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

I hope to be writing soon, offering more meditations on sermon titles and related Scriptures and sayings. Among them:

-- "Bear Fruit or Else."
-- "Am I praying or just wishing?"

But for now, if I want to bear fruit, I've got to get out of this chair. Maybe there will be wireless internet where I'm headed, and I'll have a chance to write then. But writing is not the most important thing today, even though I do think I'll find benefit in posting even these few words.

I'm grateful for a gracious gardener who nurtures the fruit with patience and loving care, even as "or else" looms as a spiritual and physical reality.

Never Give Up and other words to live by

2010-10-30T14:50:00.000-07:00

Some of the words I've lived by in the past week (and for quite a while before that, actually) seem worth sharing:

"Never give up." I remember the sermon title more than I remember the sermon, based on 2 Timothy 4:6-8, which includes: "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will give to me on that day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing." The spiritual reminder, which also was the focus of the midweek "Seeking Hour" Bible study, was especially timely as my Dad's recovery from lung cancer has hit some plateaus and a setback or two. It seems the Scripture called out to me right as I was starting to get frustrated and have doubts (and fears) about his health. It bouyed me as I prepared to go to visit my Dad, while I was there and since then as he has returned to the hospital from rehab care. In less serious matters, the words of the sermon title have come to mind as I've watched the Texas Rangers struggle and come back in their playoff run and now slow start (down 2-0) in the World Series; dealt with a sick cat; dealt with continuing work difficulties; and as I've gotten more and more tired. (I have to confess, as well, that the most familiar Scripture that comes to mind when I think of "never give up" is Philippians 3:12-14, including: "I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me." Obviously, there are many, many good words of faith and assurance available in the Bible. I'm grateful for growing faith in those words of God.)

"Ask for wisdom." This was the heading for the Oct. 18 reading of my "Truth for Today" daily devotional book by John MacArthur. "For the Lord gives wisdom" (Proverbs 9:6) was the Scriptural reference. "If you lack wisdom, you're commanded to ask God for it," MacArthur wrote. For some reason, these words unlocked something I'd been missing spiritually. I typically pray for help, I pray for healing, I pray for courage, I pray for strength, and yes, I pray to know and do God's will, which could be a blanket request for wisdom, I suppose. But something about this passage and the devotional, as well as the ones MacArthur offered in days to follow, really helped me a few days later when my kitty got sick. It's so hard for me to deal with that, and I really just wanted to ignore it or put off doing anything about it. Taking her to the vet doesn't seem to work; the vet's answer is to prescribe medicine that neither the vet nor my husband or I can get her to take. But again, I knew I had to do something. So, I prayed for wisdom. And an answer that came was to call the vet -- sooner not later, especially since I knew my husband would be headed out of town pretty soon after that. I realized I could take Bridget to the vet and leave her there if I needed to. But instead, they prescribed pills. And somehow, since my husband and I were both here this time, he was able to give her almost all of the pills and she seems to be doing much better. That may seem like a small deal, but considering how that's gone in the past, it was huge for me. I've had similar answers come in other cases where I've prayed for wisdom since that time.

"What am I going to do about it?" The text studied at my 12-step meeting last Saturday was from a story called "Acceptance Was the Answer." The story of experience, strength and hope of someone who recovered from alcoholism is packed with words to live by. "What am I going to do about it?" was part of the paragraph in which the author accepted that, as much as he didn't like it, he was an alcoholic and that he had decided he was OK with that. "When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away." Sure, that's an oversimplification, at least in most short terms. But in the big pictures of life, I've found it to be true. I need to acknowledge the reality of a situation, and then pray for wisdom to know what I can do about it. It usually involves action, but sometimes it involves sitting back; letting go and letting God.

These aren't the only words I've lived by, but it's been interesting how they've come into play several times. I'm grateful to keep learning. May I never give up on God!

Let's Hear It for the Team

2010-10-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

For the first time in their team's history, the Texas Rangers will play in the World Series! I watched the pennant-clinching Game 6 win over the New York Yankees on television last night, and then tried to catch all the post-game interviews on three different stations airing from Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. I've read much of what I could find online today about the American League Championship Series and the players', fans', management's and various others' reactions. I love watching and reading that stuff.

I've never been to a Rangers game. I've watched many on TV, listened to quite a few on the radio and sometimes even followed online using the MLB.com GameDay or whatever that tracker is. I probably could have gone to a game or two this year, but I didn't want to jinx a season that seemed to have so much promise. (I know my going or not going doesn't really affect how a team performs, but I also know that more than one sports team has had a negative turnaround after I got my hopes up and climbed on the bandwagon. I realize that negative turnaround might have happened even if I hadn't boarded the bandwagon, but I didn't want to take a chance at the jinx. I haven't even bought any Rangers gear, although I'm grateful to a friend who brought me a plastic cup from RBiA after he went to a game. When the season is over, I WILL by a shirt.)

I enjoy watching the sports action, whether it be baseball, football or basketball, but what I can really get caught up in are the backstories. (Sometime maybe I'll write about how I first really started following the Rangers; it had to do with pitcher Kenny Rogers, but it was long after his perfect game.) Anyway, this year there were so many stories. But what comes through loud and clear, including in the post-game comments, was how much this team is about teamwork and not individual stars. The media keeps putting the spotlight on Josh Hamilton, Cliff Lee, Michael Young or various others at various times, but throughout the season, the one being focused on would not allow the attention to just be on him. And it happened again last night.

Hamilton was sheepishly humble in accepting the ALCS MVP award, which even Mrs. Gene Autry, who had some honorary position that allowed her to do the honors, said could have gone to any number of valuable Rangers. Asked to say what it meant to him, Josh -- a baseball phenom turned drug addict whose well-documented story shows he might not be alive much less playing baseball at a high level if not for the saving grace of God and some faithful Christians who helped Josh find that salvation -- first quietly but firmly insisted that the glory go to God. And then he said he had to talk about his teammates. When he did finally talk about himself, it sounded like a humility that could not be faked. At the end of that or another interview, he said softly as he looked at the plaque that he was still trying to figure out why he had it. I'm pretty sure God knows the answer to that. (An interesting aside is that if you didn't watch some of Josh's interviews live, you might wonder whether he still is giving the glory to God. That part often gets left out of the write-ups and video compilations.)

I know from experience as well as from observation that it's hard to hang on to humility. (I've even heard of situations recently in which it seems possible that even respected spiritual leaders -- yes, pastors -- might be struggling with that.) It can be hard individually and as a team, especially when you're winning or losing. (That's kinda meant as a joke!) In everything said by the Rangers team members during the pennant race run through the playoffs and now entering the World Series, the focus has remained on teamwork and, in the words they've learned so well from manager Ron Washington, in playing the game of baseball as it's presented to them each day. These guys seem to have genuine love (brotherly/good friendship love) and respect for each other. And that's so much fun to watch. And it's fun to see it be rewarded with wins.

So, let's hear it for the team: Congratulations, Texas Rangers!

Was that an earthquake?

2010-10-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

What a strange and amazing week. Probably the best I can do is record some highlights and maybe offer a reflection or two.

The strangest: At 9:06 a.m. Wednesday, while standing in the bathroom using the curling iron on my hair, I heard what sounded like just a loud truck rumbling on the busy street behind the house. But then I realized that not only were the windows rattling, but the walls were moving -- rocking. Could this be an earthquake? It turned out that, yes, it was an earthquake. I think they finally decided it was a 4.7, with its epicenter east of Norman. In the news, there was a discussion of which is scarier, an earthquake or a tornado. Are you kidding me? If we're talking about Oklahoma, a tornado is scarier, hands-down. I'd say earthquakes aren't as scary when you don't have so many multistory buildings and complex transportation systems. Now, if they're talking about tornadoes in Oklahoma vs. earthquakes in California, that might be different. Then I'd probably take my chances with an Oklahoma tornado.

The best: Continued progress of my 84-year-old dad after surgery to remove part of his lung. I'm still amazed beyond expression when I think of how this has gone so far. Yes, it was painful, and healing and rehab are slow processes. But the starting point was so far ahead of anything I could have imagined, and really things seem to continue to go more smoothly than I could have hoped each step of the way. I just praise God continually for this and seek to know how to respond to His glory.

Some of the rest:
-- While I watched with Dad at the hospital, the Texas Rangers baseball team could not get a win in front of their home fans, blowing what looked like a sure-fire, feel-good win last Saturday and barely even showing up Sunday, forcing a Game 5 on the road in the American League Division Series against Tampa Bay. Sure, the Rangers had Cliff Lee pitching. But no team had ever won a series without winning at home. (I think that's the stat.) And the Rangers had never won a postseason series. Well, the Rangers managed to do it. And now this weekend, after blowing a 5-1 lead in the eighth inning at home last night and surely dooming themselves to futility against their postseason nemesis, the New York Yankees, today they did hold on to a similar lead, ending the Yankees streak and getting their first-ever home win in the postseason. It's a best of seven, and I have to believe that anything is possible. And today's win proves they belong in the postseason, no matter what happens the rest of the way. What fun!
-- On another hand, I can't even think of what to write about the Texas Aggies and Dallas Cowboys football teams. I'll say I'm still a fan, but whatever happens the rest of the way this season (short of a Super Bowl for the Cowboys), the teams are disappointing. It's one thing to lose some games, but it's really frustrating when teams are so mistake prone playing on college and professional levels. (Watching the Aggies this season and also following the Kansas Jayhawks reminds me again how glad I am that the four years my nephew played for Kansas included a magical 11-1 season. So many things have to go right for that to happen. It seemed magical at the time, and seeing how things have played out since then make it continue to seem so.)
--Aware that spending extra time visiting my parents in Texas while Dad was in the hospital and now rehab and trying to help Mom out some has kept me from doing much with my husband or around our house, I tried to give more attention to these areas this week. I didn't have much success, but I'll keep trying. (I hope it doesn't take the Rangers bowing out of the playoffs for me to free up some time; I'm trying not to let games distract me. I'm trying ......)
--When he asked me to help him paint the house trim this weekend, I knew I wanted to (even though I knew it would mean not giving full attention to some ball games today!). I'm constantly amazed at just how clueless I am when it comes to knowing what to do on such projects. I have to be guided in every task, and most things seem harder or more awkward than I think they should. But I tried to persevere. And Gene did seem to appreciate the effort and whatever small help it amounted to. Unfortunately, I also caused a great deal more work, because of my blunder that involved driving into the garage when I came home after taking a break to go to a meeting. As I drove into the garage, I was deep in thought -- possibly even prayer -- about how I could be a good worker and how Gene and I could be a good team this afternoon. And the next thing I knew, I heard something my front bumper pushing something. What was that? I backed up and saw through my sunglasses that I had run into paint buckets, knocking over one and dumping paint on the garage floor! What a mess! I screamed for Gene, and he came running. Poor man. He was already tired from working all morning, including while I was gone, and then he had to guide in cleaning up this mess. But you know, he did it, telling me how he needed me to do things to be helpful. We got it cleaned up and then returned to the trim. Without a doubt, Gene does most of the work on such projects. I mainly held the ladder, rolled some of the paint and cleaned up trash. We still have a little to finish. But it's looking great. And I'm strangely grateful that Gene didn't just tell me to go into the house and quit trying to help after my big mess. I guess hope springs eternal for him, too, that someday I will be an efficient and effective helper.

There's more that I could write, but this has gotten longer than I wanted it to be, so I'm going to stop. This is clearly one of those times that the only reason I'm writing right now is to meet that self-imposed deadline of posting something to my blog at least once each week. Somehow it still seems better for me to do it than not to do it. And it was fun to record those thoughts. Maybe someday I'll know why.

Christmas in October

2010-10-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

I planned my Saturday through Monday visit to Mom and Dad on the farm based on their decision that Daddy would not have surgery to remove a cancerous spot on his lung. I knew I would miss the final scheduled meeting with a surgeon, but I supported their decision and just wanted to spend time with them to add presence to that support. I was surprised when, after I had made those plans, I learned that in the meeting with the surgeon, the decision was made to go ahead and have surgery. It was scheduled for the Monday I planned to visit. So I made arrangements at work to stay in Texas at least through Wednesday. Before I left work, the surgery had been rescheduled for Tuesday, but that still fit with my plans.

I still cannot even organize my thoughts and words about how blessed this past week has been.
Among the highlights:
-- Going with my parents to their church (the church I went to as I was growing up and that I still consider home) on Sunday and feeling the outpouring of love and care for my Dad and Mom.
-- Washing dishes. (You'd have to ask my Daddy the significance of that.)
-- Spending Monday visiting with my parents, his surviving sister, the widower of his oldest sister and his niece (my cousin), and then more of my family as they arrived. That's when I realized it seemed like Christmas in October.
-- The surreal experience of telephone calls on Monday from the surgeon's office and then the surgeon that informed Daddy that his surgery had been postponed a few hours, but that a less-invasive procedure was possible. Talk about good news/confusing news. The less-invasive procedure to accomplish the original goal was certainly desirable, but why hadn't they planned this earlier? Somehow, I decided in those moments, apparently following the lead of my parents, to just to continue to have faith in Mom and Dad, the medical experts -- and, ultimately, God, who I became more and more certain had to be in control of all this.
-- Even Tuesday at the hospital was amazingly upbeat. I don't know about anyone else, but I was terrified, and even though I tried not to dwell on it in my speech or thoughts, I was prepared to say good-bye to my Daddy. After all, he is 84, has trouble breathing and is slow to get around. I've seen medical situations, that were supposed to help a situation, go awry, and the person is never the same. And it seemed like with an older person such as my dad, even "routine" surgical procedures could carry greater risks of complications that might include infections, pneumonia, breathing difficulties, heart strain, blood clots .... In the weeks since the cancerous spot was found, Daddy had shown renewed zest for life, which made it even harder to let him go into what seemed to be risky surgery. But I also I knew that I and many other people were praying and had faith in God in this and all matters. And the thoughts also occurred to me of so many people who don't find out they have cancer until it's too late to do much about it. Based on the tests and medical analysis, all Daddy needed was surgery to remove the spot and some surrounding lung. And based on all the tests and the medical analysis, Daddy was a good candidate for the procedure.

The whole family -- Mom and the six kids -- were at the hospital when they took Daddy in about 12:15 p.m., and we were all there when the reports of a successful surgery began coming: 3:30 -- surgery done, closing him up; 4 p.m. -- Doctor says he's wide awake but probably won't remember anything, and when he's off the respirator, we'll be able to see him. By 5:30, the first two were able to go in. By 6, I got to see my Daddy, and shortly thereafter, all of the kids had visited.

And I was truly amazed. He was as strong and alert and had as much color as when he went in -- and all of those were very good when he went in. I really don't think I thought that was possible. Yes, there' is pain. Yes, there is risk. But there is a great spirit and will that inspire and delight and make me proud.

As I wrote to a colleague who inquired about my Dad (a colleague whose Mom recently died of complications from inoperable lung cancer, if I recall correctly), I cannot believe how well he did. To me, it is a miracle. He seemed as strong and alert and had as much color after surgery as he did when he went in. They ended up doing it laparoscopically but were able to get the same amount of lung and nodes as they would have with the seven-inch incision. The doctors and nurses all seemed amazed at how well he did and was continuing to do in recovery, with his deep breathing, coughing or whatever they tried to get him to do. By the second day, he was starting to feel more discomfort, as they reduced the amount of morphine he could take for pain, but he seemed to be adjusting to that OK, too. All of the family -- including Mom and Dad -- know that we are very, very fortunate. I do give the praise to God. I know many, many people were praying. And I know that sometimes even when that many people are praying, things don't turn out the way we want them to. But I truly think we did everything we could to be prepared for the best OR the worst -- and we're just so grateful the result was the best.

In many ways, this week has been better than Christmas, at least better than Christmas as it often gets observed. This week's (and the past few weeks') experiences have been about faith and family and relearning to focus on what's important. One of the things I want to take away from this week's experiences is that every day of life contains many gifts, including the life and love of our family members, friends and even people we don't know. And the greatest gift of all: A loving God, Savior and Spirit Who is with us through it all, if we will just call upon Him and receive His love.

September reprise

2010-10-02T07:37:00.000-07:00

I don't really have time, but I have desire, and so I will take a few moments to write about some of the things last Saturday that helped me get out of a rut.

It started with writing about it, and praying as I wrote. But after taking time to write, I was running late on getting to a meeting, and I knew I had to buy gas on the way. A fairly long-lost thought of just not going revisited, but fortunately I was able to put it aside, get dressed and head on my way, grateful to remember that for the meeting I was headed to, "better later than never" is more than a cliche. In my car, I saw my cell phone, which I had left there overnight. I noticed I had a voice message and was delighted to hear it was from my goddaughter Angela, who had just gotten a new white bunny. She'd called on their way home, and when I called her back, she'd just gotten home. So after sharing a few words of excitement, I promised to call back Sunday and find out more about her new pet. The day was clearly getting better.

The meeting was well under way when I got there. It's a meeting that studies what is known as the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous. We read a woman's account of what she was like, what happened, and what it's like now; basically, it was about how she got out of the rut. It mentioned that the book doesn't include chapters on "Into Thinking" or "Into Feeling," but it does have one on "Into Action." I needed to read that. It really spoke to me since I'd already realized from my writing that, eventually, the way out a rut is to take new action. It's OK to rest a while, but eventually you have to act. Not only trust and have faith, but put faith into action with obedience.

After the meeting, I went to the Wildlife Expo, mainly because my mom suggested that, "Of course you should go, to support Gene," who is heavily involved in the three-day event put on by his employer. It turned out that it was helpful for him that I got there when I did. I think he was surprised to see me, but glad. About the time my help was no longer needed and I was faced with wandering around the Expo by myself, wondering why I never find someone to come with me (it's clearly an event to enjoy with kids, grandkids or at least friends), a kindred spirit arrived who also would have ended up just wandering around by herself while her son worked at Gene's booth. So, Patty, whom I know from when her family attended our church, as well as from their continued involvement with Gene and his bass club, walked around together, observing the people and catching up on each other's lives, families and friends. It was very, very good.

When I got into my car to leave, I turned on the radio and the Texas Rangers game was on (of course I knew I was missing it while I was at the Expo). This was a day they could clinch the American League West pennant with a win. I think they were ahead when I turned it on, then they got behind, then they got ahead again, many of the lead changes coming on the most unlikely of plays. They finally won the game right as I arrived home. So, all I could watch was the celebration and highlights. It seems that happens a lot: Teams I like play better (or at least have better results) when I don't take the time to watch them. But I enjoy watching. I do think there's a lesson for me if I'd just learn it. (It's tied to something shared at the recovery meeting earlier in the day, about priorities and what's important and doing the right thing. I KNOW that watching ballgames on TV is not the priority or right thing when other things beckon, but it sure seems to be my first choice a lot of times, especially at the end of a long workday or a Saturday when I just want to hang out at the house.)

For some reason, after that, I cooked supper, something I'm doing more often but still not a lot. Gene appreciated that when he got home.

I think the bottom line of all this is something I realized at the meeting and also wrote about previously: The unfolding of the day confirmed that eventually, the way out a rut is to take new action. It's OK to rest a while, but eventually you have to act. Not only trust and have faith, but put faith into action with obedience.

(I started this Wednesday or Thursday night, when it was still September and I really didn't have time but I had desire. Before I finished, though, the desire left, too. This morning, when I read over what I had started, I decided I needed to finish it and post it, even if it's rough and rambling.)

Pennant races and MVPs, Part 2

2010-09-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

The Texas Rangers won the American League West pennant Saturday in Oakland. Josh Hamilton, the sidelined MVP candidate who likely will come in second or third now, didn't join in the champagne- and beer-fueled celebration in the locker room. I applaud his decision.

There's no way it was easy for a baseball player to bypass the locker room and instead head to a church to share his faith. And had Hamilton not become an addict, he probably could have handled a celebration like that as well as any of his teammates. But he is in addict. A few days, months or years of sobriety don't change that.

Based on quotes he gave before and after the game, part of his motivation was perception. The pictures from his one-night relapse in early 2009 are still easy to find on the Internet. Unlike the pictures of Josh's jubilant teammates in the clubhouse celebration, the pictures of Josh in relapse aren't pretty. And for an addict to be amidst free-flowing booze and euphoria, that's likely where he would be headed.

It's dangerous enough for a recovering addict to be doing whatever he can, including some medication, if I understand correctly, to relieve the pain from his broken ribs and trying to rush his rehab. But bring in the exhilaration of a booze-filled celebration, coupled with what has to be frustration at not being a part of the stretch run, and you're just asking for big-time relapse.

As much as I like sports and I like "my team" to win, it means more to me to see the stories of perseverance and doing the right thing. I know all of the players and coaches and ownership are just people, not to be put on pedestals or anything. They're all human. But I like it when they make wise, healthy, uplifting decisions. I like it when their stories include winning in the game of life on and off the field. It's probably easier for some than others. And for whatever reason, at least one took some turns along the way that make it perhaps more of a challenge and at the same time more crucial to stay on the straight and narrow.

It's awesome from a sports perspective when the storybook season actually ends with the championship, but this one's already a winner. Even though the Rangers will end with a loss unless they win it all, they are winners. And Josh is a winner, even if he doesn't receive the MVP or make any spectacular plays in the post-season, as long as he keeps his focus on the One Whom he credits for his recovery, and that is his Savior, Jesus Christ.

Trying to write my way out of a rut

2010-09-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

I've fallen into a rut, and I do not like it, but I'm having a hard time getting out. I'm not sure I'm even trying. I tell myself I want out of the rut -- that I want things to change -- but I'm not really doing anything to make that happen. In fact, that's the essence of the rut: too much thinking and not enough action. So here I go again, writing about my thoughts instead of taking action!

Where to begin?
My dad has cancer. The tumor was found in a routine X-ray Aug. 11. After many tests, the cancer diagnosis came Sept. 9. So far, this experience seems amazingly positive: the family pulling together, witnessing the indomitable spirit of my dad and my mom, taking time to express our love and count our blessings. And truth be told, Daddy's not any closer to dying than he was before we knew he had cancer. That first X-ray wasn't a result of a cancer symptom; it was just a routine check. And aren't we all dying anyway? BUT -- the thing that seems to be true is that even though I know all of this and see so many blessings and so much to be grateful for, there is a deep inner part of me that is grieving, protesting, fighting the realities of aging and eventual loss. And the exhaustion makes its way to the surface.

My job. Circumstances seem to make it impossible to do good work with good results, and many people seem to have accepted that and just do what they can. I've not reached that point yet. For now, the process of trying to do the best I can and not worry about the results is exhausting. And, unfortunately, I carry it with me when I leave the office.

Personal life. What a mess I am. Messy purse. Messy house. Messy car. Messy desk. Disarray. Dust. Cat hair. And now ants! Missed opportunities. Lost treasures. Wasted moments. Lack of attention to important relationships. Easily distracted by football, baseball, television, the computer and even the newspaper.

My spirit is weary.

The positives outweigh the negatives by so much that I feel somewhat ashamed or embarrassed to even write about the negatives. But a constant that stays with me as I continue reading the Bible and praying to know and do God's will is that He seems to be calling me to write about this stuff. It may seem pointless and ineffective. But I think of the guy in the Bible who was told to wash himself seven times, and the ones who were told to march around Jericho a certain number of times, and even Noah building that ark. They probably thought those instructions seemed pretty pointless, too. But God rewarded their faith. And how did God know their faith? Through their obedience. And so I speak and express and write and "publish." I sing and sometimes upload songs on YouTube. I don't shy away from negative realities at work and in other areas of life, but I try to address them in search of solutions. And even as I do that, I try to let go and let God.

At the end of another day, I'm reminded that life is good. I hope to find words soon to share some of the specific things that happened today that reminded me of the goodness of life and the greatness of God. Until then, I'll leave it with a Scripture verse.

Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

Pennant races and MVPs

2010-09-18T21:36:00.001-07:00

It's been fun to follow the Texas Rangers baseball team this season. I try not to get too wrapped up in following sports teams and players, because I know it is just a game and it really shouldn't affect my life one way or another whether my favorite teams win or lose. But I'd be lying if I said I don't like it a lot more when the Rangers, the Texas Aggies (all sports), the Dallas Cowboys, the Dallas Mavericks and now the Oklahoma City Thunder win than when they lose.

Along the way, I tend to latch onto favorite players, and right now my favorite player on the Rangers is Josh Hamilton. I became familiar with his story (great promise, a plunge into drug addiction, saved by the grace of God and somehow playing baseball at a high level again) shortly after he was acquired by the Rangers in early 2008. I've continued to follow it through highs (2008), not-so-highs (2009) and back to high form (this year). He was on pace for an MVP season until he injured his ribs making a spectacular catch to get an out on Sept. 4.

I guess baseball pennant races and Most Valuable Player awards have to come down to numbers, and if a player misses the last month of the season because he's injured (even if it was from a spectacular, all-out play), that has to diminish his value. Josh will probably win the American League batting title with his .361 average (plus he still has a .414 on-base percentage and .635 slugging percentage). but since his home runs, RBIs and hits are stuck on 31, 97 and 183, other players are pulling away.

But as much as I hate not getting to watch Josh play, his absence seems to have had some value for the Rangers in that some of the other players have finally stepped back up. Maybe they would have anyway, but they sure didn't seem to be. Before Josh's most recent injury, the team's record was much better with him playing than without. Since then, I doubt that's the case. But without the cushion he had helped them build, it's possible these recent games wouldn't have even had much meaning.

Anyway, the thing I see happening right now is that sports writers and fans commenting on articles and blogs are clamoring for Josh to hurry back, even though the Rangers are winning without him. The sentiment seems to be that if he wants to be MVP, he should muscle up and play through pain. But at what cost? Rush to come back to try to regain MVP numbers (an effort that will be more difficult if he's not ready to return) and risk further injury that could keep him out of postseason play?

And after all, it IS a team sport, isn't it?

Perhaps Josh's value to the Rangers is greater if he puts his health and full recovery above his chase for the award.

Regardless, whether the "I Am Second" (a Christ-focused evangelism program) man wins the MVP is in the hands of the true MVP: God.

Josh was second in the Home Run Derby in 2008, and God seemed to use that to God's glory. I think the same thing could happen with this MVP race. I hope Josh doesn't lose sight of what's most important -- the "game" of living for Christ. That may not be the most important thing for all people in sports or life, but my observation is that for people who have a testimony such as Josh's, it really must be the important thing. He's already discussed examples of struggles that have followed when he's lost sight of the higher purpose. I don't know what any of that means for whatever steps he'll take to get back into the game. I do know I'll be interested in seeing how this plays out.

Sweet music of September: Back-to-school songs

2010-09-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

I wanted to sleep until 9 this Saturday morning, but I awoke by 7:45, my mind racing. After getting up briefly, I petted the kitty at the edge of the bed, pulled up the covers and tried to settle back in to sleep. About 10 minutes later, I could tell I might as well get up. The mind would not relent.

The thoughts aren't worry, dread or fear; it's more like I'm incessantly trying to figure things out: How to share what's in my heart without boring or preaching. How to express my concerns without sounding like I'm worrying. How to know what is the right next thing to do in my home life, my relationships, my activities -- with family, friends, at work, church, in fellowship and at play. How to be part of the solution instead of the problem in all of these areas. How to reflect God's glory in all aspects of my life, including relationships and work.

These are the triggers to the most recent round of thoughts:
-- Realizing before I left work yesterday that I face three to four weeks in a row of my less-desirable work schedule, which includes tasks and circumstances I'm not as skilled at and comfortable in dealing with. I said aloud that I want to figure out how to approach this positively, confidently, productively and effectively.
-- Realizing I don't know how to express to my siblings some things I think they may be missing as our parents grow older and face health issues.

One of my biggest worries or fears is that I'll come across as too intense (my behavior was once described as offputting by a superviser at work), a know-it-all, a busybody or meddler. But I know that some of my most valuable lessons have come from finally listening to things I didn't want to hear. Others have come from watching people and learning from their experiences (in this case, seeing four close co-workers and two friends, all about my age, go through the death of a parent or spouse, sometimes unexpectedly and other times gradually, with varying amounts of suffering and angst). And one of the things I've learned is that I don't just assume I or others are "getting it." Sometimes the thing that should be obvious is obscure. I usually don't like it when people point out what I'm missing or any of my weaknesses, but most of the time I end up being grateful.

What does any of this have to do with "back-to-school songs"? Well, Mom posted on Facebook last night that she and Daddy went to the high school football game. I followed her post with lots of questions, ending with this one: "Don't you love having a kid who's a journalist, full of questions?" (This was after I had sent at least one question-filled e-mail earlier in the week.) Mom's response to the final question: "Questions are how we learn."

I believe that. Questions and discussion -- communication -- are a big part of how I learn. Experience is essential, too, but I learn so much about life and myself and others through conversation. I pray to continue to strive to not be overbearing or offputting but to also not be afraid to communicate, especially with family and friends. That is something I've learned since I've graduated from formal schooling. May I never quit learning in the school of life.

Sweet music of September .....

2010-09-06T19:00:00.001-07:00

As I turn the page to September
I'm grateful to take time to remember
Rich blessings of friendship, family and spirit.
Sweet music of life: To hear it! To share it!

I think I first wrote those words in a journal as October turned to November (yes, with November instead of September), possibly more than 15 years ago. They work well with all the "ember" months, with the November focus on gratitude, and December as a time of looking back and remembering as year's end approaches. But when it comes to richness, September seems to be the month. And this year is no exception.

Actually, I think I went through a period in which I didn't like September, because it marked the wind-down of summer and the onset of shorter days, less sunlight and colder temperatures. Maybe that changed when my nephew was playing college football and I looked forward to those games (and realized it was still pretty dang warm!). Anyway, I have renewed appreciation for the nature of September days.

But what I really appreciate is the richness of the September experiences. I think in some ways it starts with it being the month my parents got married. My parents were married Sept. 18, 1953; this year is their 57th anniversary. Their anniversary isn't always a big celebration, but it was twice -- for their 25th and 50th anniversaries. By the 50th, I was very aware that without them being together, and without their perseverance in staying together, my life would be much different. As I grow older, I continue to learn so much by watching them relate in their marriage and also as I gain insight into some of their choices and experiences along the way. Much of this awareness has come just by spending time with them, and that's what I did Sunday.

Saturday morning, Gene and I decided we would brave the Labor Day weekend traffic and drive from Norman to just south of the Red River that evening. The next day, Mom and Dad picked me up for church in Gainesville and then to spend the day with them, while Gene went fishing. In some ways, it's not all that different from when I still lived at home some 30 years ago, except then Mom usually fixed a roast for a Sunday dinner for a houseful of hungry kiddos, and now they go to a restaurant to eat. But reading the Dallas Morning News and Gainesville Daily Register are very much a part of the typical Sunday afternoon on the farm. I suppose in the olden days Daddy spent more of the afternoon outside, tending to one thing or another even on a Sunday. But he's 84, and though he probably doesn't think so, he's entitled to stay inside where the air conditioner is running. Now there's a cat in the house, too, which we didn't have when I was still at home. ...

I guess this ends up being Verse 1 of what could be a long September song. Although I need to quit writing for now and go do other things, I don't trust myself to come back to finish it today or even later this week, so I've got to post what I've written and just go on. I wonder if there's any writer in the world who is this unable to just sit down and follow through on what he or she wants to write. For the sake of other writers, I hope none do have this problem! I know what's happening -- a flood of thoughts and emotions related to life circumstances including me and my parents all growing older. I'm a writer, and I feel compelled to try to express the thoughts and observations and feelings in words. But I still get stuck in the struggle, and then the struggle is part of what I end up writing about. It seems to be part of a spiritual journey, but I truly hope it also leads to a written account of some important moments in life. Until then and always, my life is in God's hands. He's with me on this journey, and for that I'm grateful beyond words. And I'm grateful beyond words that I could take time this weekend to spend time with the most precious people in my life: my Mom and Dad and my husband, all of whom happen to have September anniversaries, by the way. (Gene's and my 28th was Saturday.)

Sweet music of life ..... the song continues ....

The cycle continues

2010-08-30T07:49:00.000-07:00

After more than two weeks -- including a week of vacation days -- pedaling only on the exercise bike and bypassing the two-wheeler, I forced myself to get out of bed, get dressed, strap on the helmet and head down the street.

And so another positive cycle resumes.

My thinking is different when I pedal through neighborhood streets than when I walk along the same neighborhood sidewalks and trails. I think it's the combination of the refreshing breeze from my faster pace and the need for heightened alertness to avoid any sudden movements by cars as neighbors get ready to head out from their driveways and streetside parking.

Among my thoughts today:

It's so much easier to just ride the exercise bike. So, why bother to ride outside? As with going to church on Wednesday mornings to pray, I can't really explain why it's worth doing. I just know it is. For some reason, to decide not to ride outside today, when I knew I had the opportunity, would have been a negative start to my day and week. I guess it's as simple as that. That was the strong feeling in my gut/spirit, and I responded. I feel better for it. One reason I had opportunity today is because I'm back on the 11 to 7 schedule at work. I'm much less likely to ride outside when I work 10 to 6. And, as for why I didn't ride during my vacation, well, many things did not go as planned that week. Riding wasn't a priority. An interesting thing is that I ride the exercise bike about every day, usually while watching TV (often Texas Rangers baseball) or reading my daily meditation books. I can do it early, late, wearing anything or nothing. It's easy, convenient and seldom the only thing I'm doing at that time. Riding the two-wheeler outside takes deliberate effort and focus. But I enjoy riding the two-wheeler outside. I'm glad to realize I don't feel obsessed with it but can just choose to do it for pleasure. (Hmmmmm. Something to ponder there, for another time.)

When walking or riding, I typically make it a point to pray. Again, there's something refreshing about praying and meditating surrounded by the outdoors. Prayers of praise and thanksgiving. (Thank you, God, for Your mercy, love and grace. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for Your graciousness, love, spirit and all You are. Please help me know and do Your will, one moment at a time, in all things, to Your glory. You are God. You are God of me and all that is. You. You alone. Loving. Gracious. Omnipotent. All.) Prayers for family and friends and circumstances. Top of the list: My dad's continued medical tests.

The rest of my thoughts were pretty much a jumble: trying to think of something to write about and whether I even have time (I didn't, but I did anyway!); anticipating September, historically a very rich month for my family and myself (expect to read more later about that); work concerns; priorities, etc.

So, yes, the cycle continues. And, thanks be to God, the cycle continues to be positive.

Expression of gratitude

2010-08-25T21:21:00.000-07:00

I've written this before, but it's time to do it again. Here's an accounting of just a few of my many blessings for which I am grateful to God and want to give Him the glory:

-- The love and faith of my parents and family.
-- The love and support of my husband.
-- A growing attitude of faith, acceptance and gratitude, in the face of whatever comes in life.
-- Appreciation for the good things in life.
-- Willingness to look for the good things in life, even when much seems less than good for me or others.
-- Health.
-- A reasonable dose of intelligence and common sense.
-- A job that continues to offer many more positives than negatives for me.
-- A loving and supportive family of faith, including but not limited to those who are members of the church I attend.
-- A loving and supportive fellowship of friends on a 12-step journey of recovery, one day at a time.
-- God's word through the Bible. The Psalms may still be my favorites, but there are great passages throughout. This week, I've been reading from Job, Corinthians, Psalms and Proverbs. Lately, Scripture reminds me that it's OK to be repetitive in my praise. God's not demanding eloquence. He wants heartfelt, honest expression.

This list could go on and on, but it doesn't all have to be written tonight. It just seemed important to put in writing some of the thoughts of gratitude I've been feeling personally and expressing to others as I have opportunity. There are still many other things I want to write about. I guess I could add to my blessings list that I am growing in patience as well as an ability to prioritize. With it continues another blessing: Hope that springs eternal that someday I will be able to let go of the lesser things and focus on the things that are truly important in life.

When words fail (pray, trust and obey)

2010-08-18T19:31:00.000-07:00

I just realized (again?) one reason the self-imposed blog deadline is sometimes difficult. It's because even though I say I have no rules and don't have to have a theme or strong focus or be clever or witty, I always do want to achieve all of those things.

I don't expect to have time to write tomorrow (the actual deadline day), so I wanted to get it done tonight. I've been trying to think of a topic all day. I had a great weekend and a great prayer time this morning -- but none of that really inspires me to WRITE. For today, my thoughts are distracted by knowledge that close loved ones are facing times of uncertainty involving health and other issues. As I sit here trying to find words to write, I drift into prayers for those things on my heart that I do not want to be writing about right now. Strangely, my awareness of the power of prayer seems intensified as I struggle to write. I want to write, and all I can do is pray! So I guess that's the right thing to do. I thought writing would bring a new perspective of faith and hope, but all I can come up with is Amen. Trust and obey (words on my heart as I left church after prayer time). Pray, trust and obey, humbly and gratefully, to God's glory.

Swinging for the fences

2010-08-12T20:12:00.000-07:00

I've been going through a period of second-guessing and self-doubt. It's what has kept me from writing about the reunion and some other topics that have been on my mind and heart, including issues about singing and insights about the bunny in the neighboring backyard (I observe him often because there's no fence between us).

I need to remember that the best part of this blog for me is that I can write through the writer's block or whatever it is. I don't have to have a strong lead or theme going in. I have all the space I need to write until I find out what it was I needed to write about. Now, whether I have all the time I need is another matter, and it's a major source of second-guessing and self-doubt. Many times when I sit down to write, I think I should be doing something else. Many other things should be more important, shouldn't they?

Perhaps. But as the guest preacher at church said Sunday (this is me poorly paraphrasing her paraphrase of a prayer she learned in college): Lord, please help me know what you would have me do in this situation. And if I choose the wrong thing, I pray that you can use even that for good.

One of the things I tend to waste time doing is watching sports on television. Last Saturday, I happened to catch some of the Pro Football Hall of Fame induction ceremony. Dallas Cowboy great Emmitt Smith's speech was filled with examples of faith and gratitude for others, but also amazing clarity in setting goals and achieving them. He almost came across too perfect to be real. The next day, I heard him in an interview, where he was asked how he did that without having it written out or using a teleprompter. He said he wanted it to be from the heart. But he admitted he forgot something important, because he had not mentioned his college team, the Florida Gators. Now, some commentators said they thought it was intentional (some lingering resentment about something), but I just don't think it could have been. But for me, it was a good reminder that even someone who is so confident, goal-oriented, successful and faithful (interesting that humble does not come to mind as an accurate description) also isn't perfect.

Emmitt's speech was sandwiched between some Texas Rangers baseball games for me. I don't remember whether they won or lost on Saturday and Sunday afternoon, but I know they are in a pennant race, and it's hard for me not to get caught up in the frenzy, although teams I follow always tend to fizzle before the finish. Even now, this team can be so good on hitting, pitching and defense, but sometimes they make mistakes that just seem stupid.

Sometime during the past week, I realized that I can relate baseball to me and singing. Josh Hamilton is my favorite player, and I always want him to at least get a hit, and it's awesome when he gets a home run. But you know what? He usually strikes out, flies out or grounds out at least once or twice a game, and often more. And yet I, an untrained singer, expect to hit a home run every time I sing for church or family. What's up with that?
(I was talking to a friend about this, and the question came up: What would be a home run regarding singing at church? I said that would be when I'm just totally trusting God and singing to His glory, and not worrying about how I sound or what people think, although somehow in such moments, I do also feel connected to those who are listening. It comes from preparation that includes choosing, learning and practicing a song, eating right, resting, praying. And then just trusting. I guess it's often what seems to me a lack of preparation that keeps me from fully trusting, even though I've seen over and over that God is able to use even those situations to his glory.)

Sometimes when I watch the Rangers, I think they're too relaxed. Sometimes Josh comes up to the plate, and they really need a home run, and he just hits the ball to second base or strikes out. But I've also heard athletes and coaches say that a key for them is to not get too high about a win (or a home run) or to low about a loss (a strikeout or error). That's something I struggle with greatly, whether watching a sports team or taking part in my own game of life.

As I continue to ramble and try to wrap this up, another thought comes to mind about something the guest preacher said Sunday. She was talking about a church member who felt certain the world was going to end on Dec. 31 one year, and the woman had prepared for that. And when it didn't happen, she didn't know what to do. The pastor asked her what she did before Dec. 31. Did she love God with all her heart, mind, soul and strength? Did she love her neighbor as herself? Did she walk humbly with God? (There were others, I know they are in the Bible, but I wasn't taking notes and can't remember and am flat out of time -- beyond out of time!) She told the woman she should just keep doing those things. (The pastor also offered a quip that I'm sure I've heard before, but it sounded fresh, that maybe the reason the world hasn't ended yet is because people keep making predictions, and God has to cross those dates off his list because He said in His word that no one will know the time in advance. It got a pretty good laugh.)

P.S. One other thing I gotta mention: I wasn't thrilled with my singing at my parents church, the church I grew up in, the previous week. Practice went well and it was a song I love to sing and share the message of, but when I sang during the service, I seemed disconnected. I don't know what that was about. I prayed before and during. It was more like the old confusing times of singing. And people didn't respond the same. I have continued to pray the same prayer: It's about God; it's not about me. But it was interesting. And then a woman I don't know said that I had such a youthful sounding voice. At first, I thought she might have said beautiful, but as I was trying to decide, she said I sound like a teenager. I told Mom I'm not sure what she meant by that. I know now that I probably didn't sound very good when I was a teenager. My voice was weak and undeveloped; what I heard inside my head didn't get very far beyond my mouth. But I can think of some aspects of a youthful voice that could be complimentary, especially for a 51-year-old. So why can't I just focus on those?
It made me realize that I still don't have much confidence in my singing. That singing for me is about words and feeling. And when for some reason it doesn't seem as if the feeling is there, I fear the singing isn't very good.

As usual, I just continue to lift it all up in prayer. (Is that like swinging for the fences?) I'm still hoping that writing and "publishing" will help me clarify or get rid of some of these words crowding my mind and thoughts. Unfortunately, right now it looks as if the more I write, the more I think. I know that not writing is not the answer. So, God willing, I will continue to write as I live and learn.

Experience, remember, smile and thank God

2010-08-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

It's my self-imposed blog-posting deadline, but none of the things I'd hoped to write about are ready. I smile to think of the family reunion in Texas; the bunny in my neighbor's backyard; my continued and growing awareness that attitude really is important and that each person can control his or her attitude; the amazing grace and camaraderie that keeps occurring at work in difficult circumstances; and so many more things. Many things make me smile right now, and I'm grateful for that. I want to write about them, but I guess it's not time yet. For now, I just experience, remember and smile. I thank God for His mercy, love and grace that blesses me daily. I pray to know how to return these blessings to His glory.

Growing through cycles

2010-07-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

When I mentioned to my husband this morning that one of the advantages to the exercise bike versus the regular bike is that I can pedal after I've washed my hair but before I get dressed, he said then I should just give back the bike.

But why should it be all or nothing?

Since my exercise bike was still in need of repair, I headed off for a quick, mind-clearing ride. I saw a couple of kitties (first time I've seen cats in about five neighborhood rides) and was generally having a great time. But then I couldn't resist riding around the lake in our neighborhood. I've walked it many times and know that cyclists often share the concrete path. I was trying to decide whether bikes were actually allowed to be there. I decided I didn't really care, not for the first time, anyway. So, I took the little curb-cut to the path and started the route that was much more winding that it seems when walking. And then I got to one of my favorite parts, where the path winds between a house with a beautifully landscaped pool on one side and a bunch of trees and shrubs and the lakeshore close by on the other. I had some anxiety that this might be tricky for me. But I kept going. And the next thing I knew, the front tire was off the concrete, onto dirt and then grass, and I was sliding onto the concrete, scraping my knee and elbow and apparently landing harder than I realized on my hip.

What do you do when you fall off a bike? You get back on. And so I did.

I like riding the bike. I like the variety it adds to my exercise arsenal that includes the exercise bike, walking, a small amount of taking the stairs at work and some regular pacing, fidgeting and generally staying in motion at home, at work or when waiting in line.

Each activity seems to have a place. As I mentioned to Gene and others, the exercise bike is great because I can do it any time, any weather, any attire, without risk of sunburn or mosquito bites. And I can multitask -- watching TV, reading, doing arm exercises, meditating, practicing singing or, very occasionally, just pedaling. (But even then, yes, the TV is on.)

Walking actually seems like the best exercise for me. It seems the most invigorating in terms of my breathing and also the overall workout for my body. I enjoy viewing the houses and trees and landscapes and clouds and just everything in my path. I don't mind sweating in the sun. But I can't stand bug bites, and that's kept me from walking since at least June. (After reading all the warnings on bug repellents, they just don't seem worth it, and I usually end up getting bitten anyway!)

What I like about the bicycle is that it is smooth and makes its own breeze. It's a different pace. I enjoy the fresh air, and the same houses and landscapes somehow look different when passed by more quickly. And I can pray and meditate and reflect as I ride. And I really enjoyed the one day that my husband and I were up at the same time and rode together. (When he rides, he's usually back before I even get up in the morning.) But there are definite things I don't like, especially the limitations of when and where I can ride. Back when I was in college (1977-1981, Texas A&M University in College Station), the bicycle and shuttle bus were regular means of transportation for me. My sister and I traveled some of my routes by car when we were there again last fall, and those roads still seem more bicycle-friendly than anything I see around here. Here, the lanes seem narrower, and I just don't trust car traffic anymore. Because of what I know about motor traffic from my 50-plus mile round trip daily commute, I do not feel comfortable riding the bike the two miles to the mall or shopping center, much less across Interstate 35 to church. I hate that, but it's true. And if you can't tell by anything I've ever written, comfort, convenience and safety are critical for me.

So, fortunately, I don't have to choose just one way to be active. I can enjoy the exercise bike and the bicycle. And amazingly, even after taking a somewhat messy spill and being frustrated to realize I probably shouldn't ride on what look more like sidewalks than roads, I don't want to get rid of the bike. I'm grateful for the variety and hope to keep making good use of it.

Great is God's Faithfulness and the support of His people

2010-07-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

Psalmcat 51:7.25.10

My midweek emotional meltdown wasn't much fun, but I sure did learn a lot from it. I think what brought it on was a combination of work pressures; a larger than usual number of friends burying parents or other loved ones; summer heat and humidity; and the cumulative and emerging stresses of aging, which include anxiety about the continued disarray of the "stuff" of my life, and possible hormonal changes.

The result was that sometime between when I left work Wednesday and when I was trying to get ready to return the next morning, I felt so distressed, depressed and frustrated that I just had to express. And so I posted on Facebook: I've about decided work is never going to get better, only worse. I've tried to stay positive, but that seems like denial. I'm praying for God to keep showing me how to bring His light into the situation. (And please, if anyone comments on this post, do not ask or mention where I work, OK?)

I added the comment: And yes, I'm grateful beyond words to even have a job. But is it worth it if it exhausts me mentally and spiritually? I guess that's why I'm praying for answers. Sometimes it seems as if work is my God and my life. I can't let that happen.

Of course, I'm well aware of the dangers of posting things about work on Facebook, so within five minutes I pulled that post and replaced it with something more general: "I've about decided a big part of my life is never going to get better, only worse. I've tried to stay positive, but that seems like denial. I'm praying for God to keep showing me how to bring His light into the situation." I also revised and reposted the followup comment.

I don't know which surprised me more: How that wave of hopelessness had overtaken me and demanded expression, despite my awareness of the risks of expression; or the outpouring of support and concern I received from friends and family. And then I noticed something else: How positive most of the people in my life are. A niece, a librarian friend, a couple of pastors -- all routinely post things on Facebook that make me smile. And Thursday was no exception. But I noticed at work, too, of all places, that even amid a seemingly impossible summer workload, people found reasons to smile, to care, to share at work -- and to make it a point to have lives outside work.

And I realized that I'm usually very positive, too. It seems there was a fairly extended period in my life best characterized by self-pity and worry. But over time, much of that has been transformed into faith, hopefulness and a positive, encouraging outlook. I'm sure that transformation has been a direct result of beginning to grow spiritually through a commitment to read the Bible and pray regularly, and to take my commitments to family and friends -- including my church family -- more seriously.

There was so much more intertwined into all this, but I want to wrap it up because of time and space. But here are a few observations I can't leave out:

I think it was before Wednesday that one of my Facebook friends posted this Daily Question:
Which of these song titles best describes your year of 2010 so far? (a) Father Along We'll Know More About It (b) Why Me Lord? (c) When the Battle's Over We Shall Wear a Crown (d) This Is Like Heaven to Me. I don't always comment on these questions, but this one seemed to call out to me. My response: OK, I have to admit that out of those choices, it's D, praise God! But I was hesitant to admit it, because I thought, now there will probably be new challenges and puzzlements. So far this year, God has been constantly revealing heaven on earth. I'm grateful for that.

Then, at Wednesday morning's Seeking Hour at church, the Scripture was 1 Kings 19:1-8. We talked about Elijah's meltdown and how could something like that happen to him and could it happen to us and what could we do to keep that from happening. I left singing "Blessed Assurance, Jesus is Mine!" And yet, before the day was over, I was feeling as hopeless and helpless as Elijah had in that Scripture, despite all I supposedly know about God and His faithfulness.

And for some reason, I couldn't just keep it inside me or share it with just my confidants. I kept hearing myself talk about how negative and hopeless I felt. But somehow, even as that was happening, I could sense another transformation was occurring. I made it through the day, and I slept better that night than usual. And I woke up Friday morning feeling mentally and spiritually refreshed. Nothing had changed in the work situation that had frustrated me so much, but it now longer seemed hopeless. And it hasn't since.

Thankfully, it now seems Wednesday-Thursday was just a little Elijah meltdown. I'm better now. Great is God's faithfulness -- and the support of His people. Life is good. Not quite sure why I had to express that negativity on Facebook, but maybe that was part of the prayerful process!

A young friend recently posted on Facebook: "I'm living life until it hurts."

To which I commented: And when it starts hurting, just keep on living, because the best is yet to come!