And still I trust You, Lord

"Well, me and my crew just worked 14 hours, pretty much straight through. And, hopefully, that's all I'm going to say about that. 

Except: I am still grateful to God for my hope -- yes, hope! -- that springs eternal." 

 Ya think? 

Yeah, right. 

 Well, that's what I wrote on Facebook about 1 a.m. Saturday. And I do hope that's all I write about the subject there.

 But that doesn't mean I won't look a little closer at Friday's epic workday and some other aspects of the preceding week. 

 Even after a second Friday in a row of incredibly long hours at work, I couldn't help but think: 

I really can't complain.

 And yet I did. 

 That (the problem with complaining) is something I'm going to keep working on. 

I had a whole list of good things I wrote down from the past week.

-- rebounding from the previous week's epic-seeming Friday at work  and still being productive Saturday and Sunday, 

-- last Saturday, that meant washing my hair in hopes of making it in for a trim (but stylist couldn't work me in); going to my 12-step meeting and walking about a mile to visit long-time friends later before going out to eat with Gene. 

-- Sunday; going to Texas for worship with Mom and other family members, then a niece's shower. Unexpected fun came with watching my nieces' kids kite-flying!!

-- Monday, not letting feeling tired keep me from going after work to a 12-step meeting and buying groceries. 

-- Thursday, after a long workday and even though I was running late, I headed north to Edmond to see the Gridiron Club's roast of politics and current events. I used to be in these shows, and I always see dear friends. I'm glad I did not pass up the chance to go. 

-- Saturday, after working those 14 hours, I still had a great day. I went to my support group meeting; got my hair trimmed; spent great time with the kitties at Second Chance; washed my car; practiced some of the new work techniques that I never find time to practice at work; walked; and did some things around the house. 

Of course, before yesterday was over, thoughts of what I missed,  and how self-focused many of my activities were,  nagged me. I missed choir practice Wednesday and wasn't invited to a wedding Saturday,  where I would have seen many of my friends, including some I haven't seen in a long time. 

God, this makes me question how I am and feel defective. 

But I'm going to trust You that I either am where I'm supposed to be, or You can lead me into a better way. 

(But I truly regret missing seeing some old friends  and just being part of the big event, more than regretting being part of that particular wedding. That's honest of where I am the morning after. And that's part of what feels defective. Why am I not more connected to that wonderful family that got married. So many of my flaws at play. And still I trust You, Lord.)

And hope does spring eternal.

And still I trust You, Lord.