Finding my place

For many years, my high expectations and unrealistic desires have kept me from fully experiencing and enjoying the gifts of Thanksgiving, Advent and Christmas.

I'm grateful for circumstances that give me another opportunity this year to find the joy in whatever comes.

My high expectations included that family and friends would be together and happy. God's gift of love through the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus to save mankind from our sins would be the focus. Gifts exchanged would be meaningful and appreciated. Hearts would overflow with love, and voices would resound with songs of joy.

These great moments likely happened more than I realized. Unfortunately, the chaos of my mind and manners often left me so stressed from work and life that by time holidays came, I was tired, frustrated and depressed. I enjoyed the holidays, the time with family, the worship, the songs, the gifts, the food, the laughter and joy. But I often had a sense that I was missing something. Even in the midst of great blessings and joy, I felt a tinge of sadness and disappointment, which brought on a dose of shame. Why couldn't I just be grateful and happy?

Through prayer, counseling, medical help, 12 Step work, Bible study and other endeavors, I've learned some of the reasons and am dealing with them. Results are slow. Not God nor medicine nor behavior modification has zapped me with a quick fix. All resources indicate I have to play an active role in bringing about changes I seek. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Nothing changes if I'm not willing to do things differently.

Changes are underway this season. Some of my new choices were up to me. Others involve how I choose to react to things I can't control.

A big decision that I made this year was to sing a Christmas cantata with my mom's church in Texas rather than with the church where I am a member in Oklahoma. If I dare be honest, part of my reasoning initially was that I liked the music planned at Whaley UMC in Gainesville better than at Goodrich in Norman. But as I was trying to justify my yearning to sing in Gainesville, I became aware of a more meaningful reason to do so. Earlier this year, my 83-year-old mother, whose beautiful voice and love of singing inspired my own passion, returned to the choir there. Now, she, my sister and my sister's husband all sing in the choir at the church my mom has attended most of her adult life and that has continued to be the church my heart calls home more than 50 years after I moved away.

I've loved learning the music and enjoyed making the four-hour round trip twice to attend mid-week rehearsals. I regret that I'll be in Arkansas or Alabama next week and miss the final rehearsal. I'm grateful that because of digital recordings, I can practice and be confident of my part. I am eager for Dec. 16 to arrive, to be a part of sharing the Christmas story through beautiful music.

One thing I have had to accept, which I struggled with just a bit during rehearsal Tuesday, is that because I'm not a regular in that choir and because I won't be at the final rehearsal, I missed possible opportunities for a vocal solo or a speaking part. I'll just be part of the chorus. Over the years, at my church with a small to midsize choir, I've often been allowed to sing solos, which I've come to enjoy, even as I've doubted whether I'm the best choice for these roles. This year, it turns out to be a good exercise to accept with joy the opportunity to be a part of a great choral ensemble, especially when I remember my key incentive -- that I'll be singing with my mom, sister and brother-in-law, and some of my sister's grandchildren (mom's great-grands), will be in the children's chorus.

Interestingly, along the way I've also come to learn and love the songs that will be presented by the choir at my Norman church that same day. On Wednesday, I was able to practice with these great singers, my Goodrich church family, and felt that familiar second-guessing of my decision to sing elsewhere Dec. 16. I was grateful to hear how good they sounded and to offer my enthusiastic support to their hard work. And I appreciated the strong affirmation I have received from members when they learn why I won't be singing with them this year.

The greatest joy and blessing (and lesson) through all of this has been the realization of how wonderful it is to prepare music or other service for the Lord with people I love and appreciate and who love and appreciate me. It's not about me; it's about WE -- what WE can do to glorify God.

For today, that awareness puts me right where I belong, with a heart open to receive and share the joy God gives to hearts that love, serve and glorify Him.