Great is God's Faithfulness and the support of His people

Psalmcat 51:7.25.10

My midweek emotional meltdown wasn't much fun, but I sure did learn a lot from it. I think what brought it on was a combination of work pressures; a larger than usual number of friends burying parents or other loved ones; summer heat and humidity; and the cumulative and emerging stresses of aging, which include anxiety about the continued disarray of the "stuff" of my life, and possible hormonal changes.

The result was that sometime between when I left work Wednesday and when I was trying to get ready to return the next morning, I felt so distressed, depressed and frustrated that I just had to express. And so I posted on Facebook: I've about decided work is never going to get better, only worse. I've tried to stay positive, but that seems like denial. I'm praying for God to keep showing me how to bring His light into the situation. (And please, if anyone comments on this post, do not ask or mention where I work, OK?)

I added the comment: And yes, I'm grateful beyond words to even have a job. But is it worth it if it exhausts me mentally and spiritually? I guess that's why I'm praying for answers. Sometimes it seems as if work is my God and my life. I can't let that happen.

Of course, I'm well aware of the dangers of posting things about work on Facebook, so within five minutes I pulled that post and replaced it with something more general: "I've about decided a big part of my life is never going to get better, only worse. I've tried to stay positive, but that seems like denial. I'm praying for God to keep showing me how to bring His light into the situation." I also revised and reposted the followup comment.

I don't know which surprised me more: How that wave of hopelessness had overtaken me and demanded expression, despite my awareness of the risks of expression; or the outpouring of support and concern I received from friends and family. And then I noticed something else: How positive most of the people in my life are. A niece, a librarian friend, a couple of pastors -- all routinely post things on Facebook that make me smile. And Thursday was no exception. But I noticed at work, too, of all places, that even amid a seemingly impossible summer workload, people found reasons to smile, to care, to share at work -- and to make it a point to have lives outside work.

And I realized that I'm usually very positive, too. It seems there was a fairly extended period in my life best characterized by self-pity and worry. But over time, much of that has been transformed into faith, hopefulness and a positive, encouraging outlook. I'm sure that transformation has been a direct result of beginning to grow spiritually through a commitment to read the Bible and pray regularly, and to take my commitments to family and friends -- including my church family -- more seriously.

There was so much more intertwined into all this, but I want to wrap it up because of time and space. But here are a few observations I can't leave out:

I think it was before Wednesday that one of my Facebook friends posted this Daily Question:
Which of these song titles best describes your year of 2010 so far? (a) Father Along We'll Know More About It (b) Why Me Lord? (c) When the Battle's Over We Shall Wear a Crown (d) This Is Like Heaven to Me. I don't always comment on these questions, but this one seemed to call out to me. My response: OK, I have to admit that out of those choices, it's D, praise God! But I was hesitant to admit it, because I thought, now there will probably be new challenges and puzzlements. So far this year, God has been constantly revealing heaven on earth. I'm grateful for that.

Then, at Wednesday morning's Seeking Hour at church, the Scripture was 1 Kings 19:1-8. We talked about Elijah's meltdown and how could something like that happen to him and could it happen to us and what could we do to keep that from happening. I left singing "Blessed Assurance, Jesus is Mine!" And yet, before the day was over, I was feeling as hopeless and helpless as Elijah had in that Scripture, despite all I supposedly know about God and His faithfulness.

And for some reason, I couldn't just keep it inside me or share it with just my confidants. I kept hearing myself talk about how negative and hopeless I felt. But somehow, even as that was happening, I could sense another transformation was occurring. I made it through the day, and I slept better that night than usual. And I woke up Friday morning feeling mentally and spiritually refreshed. Nothing had changed in the work situation that had frustrated me so much, but it now longer seemed hopeless. And it hasn't since.

Thankfully, it now seems Wednesday-Thursday was just a little Elijah meltdown. I'm better now. Great is God's faithfulness -- and the support of His people. Life is good. Not quite sure why I had to express that negativity on Facebook, but maybe that was part of the prayerful process!

A young friend recently posted on Facebook: "I'm living life until it hurts."

To which I commented: And when it starts hurting, just keep on living, because the best is yet to come!

Glimpses of the Spirit

Psalmcat 51:5.5.10

When I first heard the concept for "The Seeking Hour" at my church, I was intrigued. Members were being invited to come and pray, study Scripture and share communion with the pastor at 7 a.m. or 6 p.m. on Wednesdays. Having grown more disciplined, faithful and committed to Bible reading, prayer and responding to God's call in recent years, I could tell this was another opportunity for growth.

And even though the thought of being at church by 7 a.m. on a Wednesday seemed about impossible (largely because work hours have shifted my routine to where I often don't even get up until 7:30), I knew my only real excuse for not being there would be lack of desire.

So, I began praying to be ready. And God began making the path easy. The invitation to "The Seeking Hour" was issued Monday, April 26. By Tuesday, I was aware that some physical and respiratory issues had eased, and my mind and outlook seemed clearer. Somewhere along the way, the weather seemed more springlike. Smiles came easily, and a song resounded continually in my heart and often on my lips.

On Saturday, it was a joy to be rained on driving from Norman to Oklahoma City with the top down on my convertible. I was aware of wondering what others on the road thought, seeing a woman driving in the rain with the top down on her Mustang. And I realized I didn't care. Then, the following Tuesday, I enjoyed one of the days that is why I drive a convertible. With a clear blue sky overhead, sun fading into the western horizon, surprisingly fresh, clear air and good Christian music on the radio, the 27-mile drive home became a soul-cleansing pleasure ride instead of a dreary commute. I needed it after another long day at the office, not leaving until almost 8. Fresh fragrances included moist, recently cut grass and crops. After 15 miles on I-35, I took the backroads from Moore to Norman, through pastures, horse farms and fields of grain. (Although I grew up on a farm, I don't know whether they were wheat, oats or something else! They smelled kinda like fresh hay, so I'm leaning toward oats!)

Tuesday night, I set the alarm for 6:10, praying I'd not ignore it. From the time I awoke this morning, it seemed like Easter. I thought of one of my favorite Easter choruses: "Was it a morning like this when my Lord looked out on Jerusalem? He is risen!" Driving to church, top still down, sky still clear and blue (with the sun now just over the eastern horizon), radio still on Christian music ("I want to sing a song for You, Lord," Mac Powell of Third Day proclaimed, as I sang along!), I felt hopeful, joyous, grateful, blessed.

Four people, including the pastor and three other women, joined me in the search today. Our focus was Isaiah 40. I hope they shared the sense of glorious anticipation and the presence of God. May that sense of renewal continue, one moment at a time, to God's glory.