Finding peace in the present amid thoughts of past, future

All of my spiritual devotionals point me to Scriptures that remind me of the importance of living in this moment and not getting caught up in the past or the future. And I have learned the value from experience. But it's still hard to do.

In the past week, two things in particular have tempted my mind to wander back or ahead. The first was to learn that the person who has become my best friend and most trusted colleague at work has given her two-weeks' notice. Her last day will be Friday. In the past year especially, but also for quite a while before that, she has been a rock in helping me learn and grow at work as well as in life. She's helped me not give up trying to achieve high standards when they don't seem to matter any more, and we've shared many a conversation about our families, interests, dreams, goals and cats. I am so happy for her and excited about the step she is taking. Many things of where I am personally and at work tell me that this will be a good a time for me to make some changes even as I stay at the job.

So, I am trying to stay focused on the positive things in the future for my friend and for me. But I find myself having to fight off distracting thoughts, such as:
-- where I am after what will be 30 years at my job if I make it to September (I've been a reporter, assistant department editor and religion editor, among other things, but sometimes now I think of myself as "just a copy editor," although I strive to be the best I can and do think the job is very important);
-- how inadequate I seem at developing and maintaining lasting friendships, at work or anywhere else (I have lots of people whom I care about and they care about me, but none that I ever just hang out with for a meal, shopping or a movie);
-- whenever someone as good at her job as my friend leaves, it's harder than some people admit to fill that void. So, at least for the short term, things will be more hectic than ever. And because of the roles she filled, it's possible there will be changes ahead in how things are done, and that's always stressful for me.

So, again, I've been working hard to keep those stressful thoughts at bay and to focus on my trust in God to show me the way in whatever is ahead. By faith, I can be open to change and confident that God will not only equip me for the work but also give me His peace and presence. And with that, I pray, will come a positive, cheerful, grateful attitude.

The second bit of information in the past week that has teased my mind to wander is learning that Whaley Memorial United Methodist Church, the church I grew up in and have maintained ties to, is having its 125th anniversary this year. The timing is interesting as I've become constantly more aware in recent years of how much that church means to me. I blogged about it just last weekend. For some reason, the big anniversary year gives me a sense of urgency to not miss the chance to be a part. One of the things I realized is that I don't even remember being aware of the church's centennial, even though I was married at the church five years earlier and have always attended at least a few times each year when my husband and I visited our parents. (I would have been 28 at the time of that anniversary.) It also brings a few troubling thoughts about why I don't feel more at home at the church where I am a member now. Maybe it's because the reason I feel so much a part of Whaley is my family, and I don't have that as much where I am a member now; it's just me and occasionally my husband -- no connection to grandparents, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews or children of my own there. As with work, I have many people there whom I care love and care about, and they love and care about me. But that same character weakness or whatever that keeps me from really having friendships elsewhere is very present in my church relationships.

Anyway, both of these exciting things have piqued my interest this week. That't not bad in itself. Much of the thinking has been productive and positive. But I have to be vigilant not to get lost in the thoughts of the past or future, especially if those thoughts bring anxiety or regret. Only in the present -- God's presence -- do I find peace and the wisdom to know and the power to do His will.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye." Psalm 32:8

"The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace." Psalm 29:11

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." Psalm 46:1-2

Happy Endings, Part 2

When I wrote Happy Endings, Part 1 last week with the Rangers and Aggies most in mind, I was aware that at any time my dad could die of complications from liver cancer, although I didn't really think that moment was imminent. His last breath on Earth came Sunday morning, and of course the concept of happy endings grew in meaningful complexity.

I will write much more about my Daddy later. I've made a lot of notes but want to take time to reflect before sharing.

For now, I'm aware that there often are no endings; there are just transitions. Winning a World Series or NBA championship or Super Bowl may seem like a happy ending. But in very little time, teams, fans and commentators only care about the next win, not what happened in the past. I was hoping for a happy ending in terms of me maybe watching the Aggies play the University of Oklahoma in Norman on Saturday for the last time before A&M heads to the SEC. But it seems clear to me that if I didn't have to be there when Daddy took his last breath, I don't have to be at that game Saturday. There are many lessons for me in this and elsewhere if I will pay attention. Many potential areas of self-improvement have been revealed to me since my Dad's death. (But a dear friend also reminds me not to be hard on myself.)

Tonight I went to a premiere of a documentary about the life of Wayman Tisdale, a standout OU and NBA basketball player whose first love (outside faith and family) was music, and who had become a successful songwriter and musician on the bass guitar and an engaging concert performer before he died of complications from cancer in May 2009. I learned of the opportunity to attend this on Thursday while I was still in Texas with my family and surprised myself by saying I would go. Although I knew it would touch on some of the kinds of grief and loss my family is dealing with, I knew the sadness would be far surpassed by the inspiration and joy of Wayman's life, legacy and music. And so it was. My dad wasn't famous, but as they showed interviews of Wayman and others talking about Wayman's situation and how he faced it and had lived his life, it made me think of my dad in his much smaller realm of influence and the outpouring of love and friendship with which people responded to his life.

On the way home, I read that a faithful member of my church had also now died after a grueling battle with cancer. I immediately recalled having noticed his wife was one of the prayer team members who had prayed and signed a sympathy card for my family on Monday. There is another lesson and example I must take to heart and seek to learn from.

So, this starts as Happy Endings, Part 2. But it evolves into life goes on, day by day. It reminds me to live each day (and moment) as if it is the first -- and the last. Seek God's guidance; love, worship and serve Him -- part of which comes in loving and caring for people; and give Him the glory, thanks and praise.

Great is God's Faithfulness and the support of His people

Psalmcat 51:7.25.10

My midweek emotional meltdown wasn't much fun, but I sure did learn a lot from it. I think what brought it on was a combination of work pressures; a larger than usual number of friends burying parents or other loved ones; summer heat and humidity; and the cumulative and emerging stresses of aging, which include anxiety about the continued disarray of the "stuff" of my life, and possible hormonal changes.

The result was that sometime between when I left work Wednesday and when I was trying to get ready to return the next morning, I felt so distressed, depressed and frustrated that I just had to express. And so I posted on Facebook: I've about decided work is never going to get better, only worse. I've tried to stay positive, but that seems like denial. I'm praying for God to keep showing me how to bring His light into the situation. (And please, if anyone comments on this post, do not ask or mention where I work, OK?)

I added the comment: And yes, I'm grateful beyond words to even have a job. But is it worth it if it exhausts me mentally and spiritually? I guess that's why I'm praying for answers. Sometimes it seems as if work is my God and my life. I can't let that happen.

Of course, I'm well aware of the dangers of posting things about work on Facebook, so within five minutes I pulled that post and replaced it with something more general: "I've about decided a big part of my life is never going to get better, only worse. I've tried to stay positive, but that seems like denial. I'm praying for God to keep showing me how to bring His light into the situation." I also revised and reposted the followup comment.

I don't know which surprised me more: How that wave of hopelessness had overtaken me and demanded expression, despite my awareness of the risks of expression; or the outpouring of support and concern I received from friends and family. And then I noticed something else: How positive most of the people in my life are. A niece, a librarian friend, a couple of pastors -- all routinely post things on Facebook that make me smile. And Thursday was no exception. But I noticed at work, too, of all places, that even amid a seemingly impossible summer workload, people found reasons to smile, to care, to share at work -- and to make it a point to have lives outside work.

And I realized that I'm usually very positive, too. It seems there was a fairly extended period in my life best characterized by self-pity and worry. But over time, much of that has been transformed into faith, hopefulness and a positive, encouraging outlook. I'm sure that transformation has been a direct result of beginning to grow spiritually through a commitment to read the Bible and pray regularly, and to take my commitments to family and friends -- including my church family -- more seriously.

There was so much more intertwined into all this, but I want to wrap it up because of time and space. But here are a few observations I can't leave out:

I think it was before Wednesday that one of my Facebook friends posted this Daily Question:
Which of these song titles best describes your year of 2010 so far? (a) Father Along We'll Know More About It (b) Why Me Lord? (c) When the Battle's Over We Shall Wear a Crown (d) This Is Like Heaven to Me. I don't always comment on these questions, but this one seemed to call out to me. My response: OK, I have to admit that out of those choices, it's D, praise God! But I was hesitant to admit it, because I thought, now there will probably be new challenges and puzzlements. So far this year, God has been constantly revealing heaven on earth. I'm grateful for that.

Then, at Wednesday morning's Seeking Hour at church, the Scripture was 1 Kings 19:1-8. We talked about Elijah's meltdown and how could something like that happen to him and could it happen to us and what could we do to keep that from happening. I left singing "Blessed Assurance, Jesus is Mine!" And yet, before the day was over, I was feeling as hopeless and helpless as Elijah had in that Scripture, despite all I supposedly know about God and His faithfulness.

And for some reason, I couldn't just keep it inside me or share it with just my confidants. I kept hearing myself talk about how negative and hopeless I felt. But somehow, even as that was happening, I could sense another transformation was occurring. I made it through the day, and I slept better that night than usual. And I woke up Friday morning feeling mentally and spiritually refreshed. Nothing had changed in the work situation that had frustrated me so much, but it now longer seemed hopeless. And it hasn't since.

Thankfully, it now seems Wednesday-Thursday was just a little Elijah meltdown. I'm better now. Great is God's faithfulness -- and the support of His people. Life is good. Not quite sure why I had to express that negativity on Facebook, but maybe that was part of the prayerful process!

A young friend recently posted on Facebook: "I'm living life until it hurts."

To which I commented: And when it starts hurting, just keep on living, because the best is yet to come!

Sometimes God says, 'This one's yours'

Sometimes God clearly says: This one's yours.
That's what happened after my friend Kathy's husband died. My first reaction was to feel regretful and ashamed that I had not visited Chuck or even sent a card during this extended hospital stay. I did pray often for him and for Kathy. But I felt like I should have done more.

The next day, during my prayer time at church, I mentioned that I felt ashamed and regretful for not being a better friend. As I journaled while I prayed, I wrote down that whatever I did now would be too little too late. But I continued to pray. Another thought was that maybe God is calling other people to visit and comfort now, and my time will come later. But that seemed pretty much like rationalization to me.

I was actually surprised when, soon after I returned home, I picked up the phone and called Kathy. I usually procrastinate or make excuses not to call (she'll be too busy, etc.), but this time I did call. And Kathy answered. And we talked. We spoke of Chuck's indomitable spirit and optimism and Kathy's loving care. I mentioned that I had recently tried to find the words for the song she had asked me to sing at their wedding 20 years ago ("Mizpah [May Your Love Flow Like a Fountain]") -- and she asked if I would sing it at Chuck's memorial service. I don't think that had even occurred to me. But how could I not say yes. And so I did, even though I had been previously unsuccessful in tracking down those lyrics. Not surprisingly, after I hung up the phone, I went to the computer and found the lyrics. Six days later, I sang at the celebration of this dear man's life.

This may sound like it's about me, but it is about God. OK, maybe it is about me: How I see God working. (I know I only see a glimpse of what God is doing, and I don't know whether my perceptions of what I see are even accurate.) Anyway, throughout that week of remembering and celebrating Chuck's life were reminders of how God calls us to live. Listed as Chuck's favorite quotes: "Trust God, clean house and work with others." "Live in the now." "I try not to complain, condemn or criticize." Also included were the Rotary Club four-way test (is it true? is it fair ...? will it build goodwill ...? will it be beneficial ...?) and the long version of "The Serenity Prayer." Chuck lived these principles, providing an example that these nice platitudes really are possible to exemplify, even in the face of massive, ultimately fatal health problems, not to mention a difficult childhood and many other kinds of rocky places in life along the way.

As I've written before and found myself pondering again with the memorial service Tuesday, I don't understand why I fail to act on so many opportunities to call, send a card, visit or help, whether it be just to maintain a friendship or to be Christ's love to someone who is lonely, grieving or in need. But even when I seem to fall short, I just keep praying to know and DO God's will. And sometimes, such as this, God seems to clearly say: "This one's yours." I'm grateful I was able to hear, and I pray to continue to grow in awareness and responsiveness to such calls.

Social dilemma

I've lived in the same town for 27 years. Why is it I still don't feel comfortable asking anyone to go places with me? Of course that's a rhetorical question. I know the answer is fear of rejection. I think it's based on experiences of being turned down, but it's also possible the fear has kept me from ever asking anyone.

So tonight I posted a general plea to my FaceBook friends, asking whether anyone would like to attend a big event with me this weekend. I'll even pay for their ticket! How desperate that must sound! I think it's actually progress for me, but as with so many things, I'm not sure. Time will tell.

An interesting related factor: My husband is NOT interested in attending this event, but he's very supportive of me going and having a good time. I'm grateful for that.

"The Spirit"

As I turned the page to November
I was grateful to take time to remember
Rich blessings of family, friendship and spirit
Sweet music of life: To hear it! To share it!

I don't know when I first wrote that (possibly mid-1990s, in a journal) or when I first used it in a published piece (I've used variations in at least 2 and maybe three or more columns in the newspaper, and once in a tribute to my parents), but it encapsulates things I'd come to recognize as driving forces to the goodness in my life.

It continues to resonate.

* The spirit is definitely God: God's love; His mercy, love, grace, graciousness, creativity, compassion, omnipotence and so many more things than I could ever write.
* It is definitely the spirit of Christ, Who gave all that I may be in relationship with God, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit and all of creation.
* The spirit is family: My parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters and extended family of other relatives as well as church. It seems as if more each day, I see how their lives -- breathing (spirit) on Earth and beyond -- help me look for and find the good in my life and the lives of others.
* The spirit is friendship. I've been blessed with some great ones. (Perhaps more will be written about this later!)
* The spirit is fellowship. As hard as it is sometimes for me to write, it's usually easier for me to write than to relate directly with people. Awkward is me! And still I am loved and accepted. I need not be afraid to spend time relating with people.
* The spirit is love.
* The spirit is compassion.
* The spirit is music.
* The spirit is gratitude.

There is so much more. This post is a work in progress. (In a future post, I may touch on what "the spirit" is not, at least for me.)

Like I've said, the thing I have to remember is it doesn't even matter if I have anything worth posting. That's not the point for me, at least not for now. Maybe this will evolve into something of substance, but it doesn't matter. If people are reading this, they may think they are getting to know someone (some readers would know who I am; to others I'd just be Patricia). But it's really about a writer getting to know herself and not being afraid to let others see what she finds.

Rich blessings of family, friendship and spirit
Sweet music of life:
To hear it!
To share it!