Psalmcat 51:7.4.10
For weeks, a recurring theme that has come up in places such as my 12-step meetings, Sunday school and Bible study has to do with being the best versus being my best. And today, when the Fourth of July with its focus on freedom comes on a Sunday, I must exercise what I see as my responsibility to write about it! My prayer is to keep it short and simple so I can go forth and serve (or at least celebrate)!
I've listened as people talked about what seems to be the norm: the desire to be THE best. For many years, that was me. Whether it was to be the best student, the best majorette, the best singer, the best writer, the best daughter, the best friend -- being the best was the goal. Of course, only one person can be THE best, so that was a sure-fire formula for disappointment and disillusionment. And after a fair amount of success through high school, a world of disappointment and disillusionment is where I found myself for many years.
In the interest of trying to keep this fairly short and quick, I won't go into details of all those years and the long road out of that world. But these recent discussions have reminded me of principles and beliefs I hold onto today that keep me from going back to that place.
I guess the most basic and essential change is that, as I've become a regular reader of God's Word, I've been convinced that God created me; He proclaimed me good (despite all of what I see as my shortcomings, weaknesses, failures, mistakes and imperfections, etc.) and He loves me so much that even if I were the only person on Earth in need of salvation, He would have sent His son to die for me so that I could live with Him forever. I'm not sure when I truly began to believe that. But I know it came as a result of being around people who have loved me forever (my parents, relatives, church family, dear friends) and people who I've met along the way, even in the worst years, who saw good in me and offered love, acceptance and understanding. Eventually, out of deep personal need, I embraced that God's love is the source of all that love. And I guess that's when I started wanting to know God better, so I started reading the Bible. Not surprisingly, before I started reading the Bible regularly, I knew more about God from what other people said than from what God Himself said. No wonder I was so confused!!!!
I'm still confused a lot of the time, but it's easier for me to come back to those basics. Another of those basics for me is that God's not asking me to be the best. He wants me to be my best -- the best at what He created me to be. I think it was a couple of weeks ago during Sunday school that I realized that's at least a two-part deal. First, I have to seek to know what God is calling me to do and be. And then I have to do it, which often requires overcoming fear (of failure, of being overwhelmed, of being ridiculed or embarrassed, possibly of even being viewed as vain or childish), procrastination, and lack of necessarily knowledge, skill or resources. I think some of the results of that search have been more regular Sunday school attendance; commitment to attending a midweek prayer time; a better attitude at work even when circumstances seem impossible; sharing my heart and journey on my blog; and most recently, recording beloved songs and posting them on youtube.
I can tell you this for sure: If I thought I had to be the best, I would not be blogging or recording things and putting them on youtube. The blog and the recordings are living examples that, for me in certain areas including these, the call is to just do it. I'm free to resist that call, but I've found that the blessing comes from doing it. With the songs, my focus is on the beautiful words and melodies, not the singer. As for the blog, I still don't know. It's something about the spirit's call to my heart: Sweet music of life -- To hear it! To share it! Maybe I fear that if I don't share it, I'll quit hearing it. And God knows I never want to quit hearing that beautiful sound!
Showing posts with label responsibility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label responsibility. Show all posts
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Learning from rationalizations
Well, here's a follow-up post that I'm not proud to write. I recently wrote about a situation at an overly crowded workplace parking garage in which a car that was over the line, basically taking up two spaces (including the last available one), got hit when another car tried to squeeze in. The driver of the car that tried to squeeze in didn't leave a note for the driver of the car that was hit.
Among other things, I wrote that I felt the driver who parked over the line was at fault, so I didn't blame the second driver for not leaving a note. But I also wrote that I know two wrongs don't make a right, and not leaving a note certainly seemed to fit the description of a second wrong. And I wrote that, when discussing this with a friend and asked how I would feel if my car was the one that was hit, I said I wouldn't have parked over the line in the first place.
Well, I guess I was wrong about that. Yesterday, when I pulled into a parking space at the uncrowded garage, I remember thinking that the pickup facing me must have been pretty far outside its space. Because I was parked right in line with the cars on my side. But when I got out of my car, I saw that the truck was within the lines, and I was over the line. For some reason, all of the cars on my side had bunched up, and I just followed the pattern without knowing it.
But the thing is, once I realized it, I didn't move my car! All the way from the parking garage to my desk, which is no small distance, I thought about this. Sure, if all of those cars stay where they are, there's no problem. But if one leaves and another comes to take its place, the situation might look exactly like the one described last week (except the garage likely would not be filled).
It would have been so easy to do the right thing -- move my car within the lines -- but I didn't do it. And I had so many excuses!!!! The main one was that someone was moving things from a company car to his personal car in the row where I'd parked, and I thought it would look stupid to move my car. (I did also remind myself that, if I did get hit, I could follow through with what I wrote last week, and accept that it was my fault!)
I guess the thing that still amazes me is how easy it is to think I'd always do the right thing, but when the opportunity comes, I don't. In this case, it really wasn't a big deal, mainly because parking spaces weren't at a premium (and I didn't get hit). But I'm so aware that the little rationalizations, whether they involve speeding or sleeping in on weekend mornings instead of going to help with Angel Food or attend Sunday school, make it easier to rationalize bigger wrongs or lapses.
The reason I write about it is because I'm trying to be more aware and honest. I write about the positive steps. It seems only fair to write about obvious examples of where I fall short, too, even when they may seem insignificant. That's not to say this is the worst stuff I do; far from it, and some shortcomings involve areas I can't imagine ever writing about -- at least not until they are corrected. And maybe someday they will be, as I continue to take prayerful steps toward accountability, disclosure and responsibility.
Among other things, I wrote that I felt the driver who parked over the line was at fault, so I didn't blame the second driver for not leaving a note. But I also wrote that I know two wrongs don't make a right, and not leaving a note certainly seemed to fit the description of a second wrong. And I wrote that, when discussing this with a friend and asked how I would feel if my car was the one that was hit, I said I wouldn't have parked over the line in the first place.
Well, I guess I was wrong about that. Yesterday, when I pulled into a parking space at the uncrowded garage, I remember thinking that the pickup facing me must have been pretty far outside its space. Because I was parked right in line with the cars on my side. But when I got out of my car, I saw that the truck was within the lines, and I was over the line. For some reason, all of the cars on my side had bunched up, and I just followed the pattern without knowing it.
But the thing is, once I realized it, I didn't move my car! All the way from the parking garage to my desk, which is no small distance, I thought about this. Sure, if all of those cars stay where they are, there's no problem. But if one leaves and another comes to take its place, the situation might look exactly like the one described last week (except the garage likely would not be filled).
It would have been so easy to do the right thing -- move my car within the lines -- but I didn't do it. And I had so many excuses!!!! The main one was that someone was moving things from a company car to his personal car in the row where I'd parked, and I thought it would look stupid to move my car. (I did also remind myself that, if I did get hit, I could follow through with what I wrote last week, and accept that it was my fault!)
I guess the thing that still amazes me is how easy it is to think I'd always do the right thing, but when the opportunity comes, I don't. In this case, it really wasn't a big deal, mainly because parking spaces weren't at a premium (and I didn't get hit). But I'm so aware that the little rationalizations, whether they involve speeding or sleeping in on weekend mornings instead of going to help with Angel Food or attend Sunday school, make it easier to rationalize bigger wrongs or lapses.
The reason I write about it is because I'm trying to be more aware and honest. I write about the positive steps. It seems only fair to write about obvious examples of where I fall short, too, even when they may seem insignificant. That's not to say this is the worst stuff I do; far from it, and some shortcomings involve areas I can't imagine ever writing about -- at least not until they are corrected. And maybe someday they will be, as I continue to take prayerful steps toward accountability, disclosure and responsibility.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Straddling a line between right and wrong
I'm aware of a situation in which, on a day of a special event, the only parking place available in a company garage was partially filled by a car straddling the line. So the driver of another car in need of a space tried to squeeze in. And that second car bumped up against the first car, leaving more of a paint mark than the driver would have expected. The driver quickly backed out and went to find a space outside the garage. The driver didn't leave a note for the car that was hit.
The driver claims he/she normally would have left a note and has left notes accepting responsibility in similar cases. But he/she was adamant against doing so this time, because he/she contends it never would have happened if the first car had been parked within the lines. What this made me realize is that I totally agree with the driver who tried to squeeze in. Spaces were at a premium, and that car shouldn't have been over the line. At the same time, I also know that two wrongs don't make a right. And that certainly seems to fit the description of two wrongs.
I discussed this with a friend, who asked how I would feel if I owned the car that was hit? My quick reply is that I wouldn't have been parked over the line, so it wouldn't have happened. But if I did park over the line and it happened, I'd realize and accept my fault.
I guess I keep thinking about it because it could so easily be me. I'm definitely one who has tried to work my way into a crowded parking space, sometimes successfully, and sometimes giving up when I could tell it was impossible.
I'm trying to draw a good lesson or conclusion from this. For one, I guess it makes me more aware of the risk of trying to squeeze into a crowded space. But I'm still not convinced I won't try it again if the opportunity presents itself.
So, for all the progress I see myself making in some areas of discipline, setting boundaries and taking responsibility, here's an area where I'm puzzled by how certain I am that the first wrong justifies the second wrong.
Maybe the lesson is that I'll never be perfect, and I can't expect others to be perfect. But two wrongs still won't make a right. I pray that I will choose to make right decisions even when a "wrong" seems justified.
(It just occurs to me this incident involved 3 wrongs: The first driver over the line; the second driver bumping the first car; and the second driver not leaving a note to let the first driver know. Hmmmm. How would I feel about that? Not too good. Maybe now I understand a little better why my friend thought it was imperative the second driver would own up to bumping the first car. But I can also see how the second driver could rationalize that it would just be opening up a potential messy situation that could be easily avoided by not saying anything. I'm still not proud of that attitude, but it's honest right now.) (Lord, if I need to change, it's up to YOU!)
The driver claims he/she normally would have left a note and has left notes accepting responsibility in similar cases. But he/she was adamant against doing so this time, because he/she contends it never would have happened if the first car had been parked within the lines. What this made me realize is that I totally agree with the driver who tried to squeeze in. Spaces were at a premium, and that car shouldn't have been over the line. At the same time, I also know that two wrongs don't make a right. And that certainly seems to fit the description of two wrongs.
I discussed this with a friend, who asked how I would feel if I owned the car that was hit? My quick reply is that I wouldn't have been parked over the line, so it wouldn't have happened. But if I did park over the line and it happened, I'd realize and accept my fault.
I guess I keep thinking about it because it could so easily be me. I'm definitely one who has tried to work my way into a crowded parking space, sometimes successfully, and sometimes giving up when I could tell it was impossible.
I'm trying to draw a good lesson or conclusion from this. For one, I guess it makes me more aware of the risk of trying to squeeze into a crowded space. But I'm still not convinced I won't try it again if the opportunity presents itself.
So, for all the progress I see myself making in some areas of discipline, setting boundaries and taking responsibility, here's an area where I'm puzzled by how certain I am that the first wrong justifies the second wrong.
Maybe the lesson is that I'll never be perfect, and I can't expect others to be perfect. But two wrongs still won't make a right. I pray that I will choose to make right decisions even when a "wrong" seems justified.
(It just occurs to me this incident involved 3 wrongs: The first driver over the line; the second driver bumping the first car; and the second driver not leaving a note to let the first driver know. Hmmmm. How would I feel about that? Not too good. Maybe now I understand a little better why my friend thought it was imperative the second driver would own up to bumping the first car. But I can also see how the second driver could rationalize that it would just be opening up a potential messy situation that could be easily avoided by not saying anything. I'm still not proud of that attitude, but it's honest right now.) (Lord, if I need to change, it's up to YOU!)
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