I went to watch the Texas Aggies play basketball against the University of Oklahoma men in Norman today. The main reason I went is because the end of an era is drawing nearer, and I do not know when an A&M team will again play a game in Norman that I might be able to attend.
As I was trying to decide for sure whether to go to a game I was pretty sure the Aggies would lose (they did, 65-62) and likely would not showcase high-quality basketball (it did not), many thoughts washed through my mind. From the first time I heard it mentioned and all along the discussions and news reports, I've never been happy about the possibility of Texas A&M leaving the Big 12, where it played teams along the I-35 corridor including two in Oklahoma, for the Southeastern Conference. But that didn't stop it from becoming reality, and this year is the farewell tour.
The OU/A&M football game in November was in Norman, but it was the week after my dad's death, so it was pretty easy to decide not to go even though I knew they might never play here again. (I also knew they'd probably lose, which they did.) I also missed the Aggie women's basketball team's final Big 12 trip to Norman last month, because it was on a work night. (I also feared they would lose in Norman, and they did.) I've never gone to an Aggie baseball or softball game in Norman, but I have attended their games in Big 12 tournaments in Oklahoma City. I hope to have chances to do that this year, which I guess means the farewell tour might not be quite over. But it's hard to bank on the future, so I decided not to let this opportunity pass by.
It helped that tickets were just $10. It also helped that I have an iPhone to provide a distraction if needed. It was OU's final home game, so it was senior day, and I guess there were various promotions going on, because there was a much bigger walk-up crowd that I would have expected. (And of course, there were the white Cheer Like A Champion t-shirts that seem to have been on the seats for every OU game I've attended in Lloyd Noble Center; draped over the seatbacks, they make it look like people are sitting there even when the arena is far from full.)
By time I got through the line, it was 7-6 Aggies when I entered the building. And before I knew it, the Aggies were behind, and they stayed that way the rest of the game, trailing by at least 14 in the second half. As I wrote on Facebook about that time: "This is hard to watch on so many levels. I knew that when I decided to come. I will stay anyway. Because either I will miss it when it's gone, or this will help me not miss it so much." But then the Aggies started a comeback, and I had to hope the Sooners might be able to blow just one more game in which they had a lead at halftime and toward the end. But that was not to be. Gig'em Aggies, anyway, and now the two teams will play again Wednesday in the opening round of the Big 12 tournament in Kansas City.
Among my thoughts before and during the game:
-- I hate that the Aggies will no longer be playing in the Big 12. Not only does that mean they won't play games against OU and Oklahoma State University, but they won't be included in the newspaper's Big 12 coverage nor on local television stations' games of interest. I hate it! Boo hoo! There's nothing I can do about it. But it doesn't mean I have to like it. I anticipate withdrawal sensations in the season to come.
-- It made me think of why I didn't go to the football game, which brought thoughts of my dad's final weeks that still are amazingly peaceful for me to reflect on. My reason for not going to that game somehow influenced my desire to go today. I think Daddy would have approved. He knows his kids like their sports.
-- I thought of the wide variety of Aggie men's basketball games I've attended in Norman. I sat through probably the team's lowest-scoring half in history (it seems like Blake Griffin blocked every shot attempt; I wish I could remember the stat on how long the Aggies went without scoring) one year, but I also enjoyed some very pleasant wins under Coach Gillispie and Coach Turgeon. Most years there has been a pretty good turnout of people wearing maroon, but this year about the only people I saw wearing A&M colors were right behind the team bench. My sister came to Norman for a few of the games along the way, and Flat Stanley also attended with us one year. (Where, oh where, is that picture?) Overall, the memories make me smile.
-- I came ever-so-close to not going. My husband happened to have plans for the day that didn't include me. If that hadn't been the case, I doubt I would have attended, because he wouldn't go, and I wouldn't want to leave him at home. So, I could say thank you fate, but God knows I prayed about this, too, so I'll say, thank You, God!
-- The only negative is that after the game, I could have gone to an event at church to help with care packages for troops, but I ended up not going. I had time and even stopped to get supplies and snacks. But when I sat down for a bit and the cat got on my lap, I decided to just stay home. I'm trying not to fret about why I make decisions I don't understand. Supporting the troops would have been a good thing to do, and I would have enjoyed the fellowship. But I just didn't go. One reason I went to the game was because I didn't want to regret not going. I wish that would have kicked in regarding the event at church. I do think there will be future opportunities. Still, yes, I feel some regret.
-- I have to remind myself, in this and all things: Thank You, God, for Your presence throughout the day as I tried to decide what to do. Help me trust You, God, with those decisions and their results, to Your glory. And thank You for many, many good moments today that had nothing to do with either of these events. I feel grateful and blessed. May I live to Your glory.
Showing posts with label blessings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blessings. Show all posts
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Reflections on February (Courtesy of Leap Day)
The quadrenniel bonus day was good, and it gives me a chance to reflect on February before March arrives.
The email I get each weekday from the Denison Forum included this insight today that fits where I am: Why did Moses want the people to enter Canaan without first exploring the land? Could it be that God's best tomorrow is one we could never understand today? Warren Buffett noted that in business, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield. It is the same with the life of faith--if you look back at all the ways God has provided for you, and you believe that his character does not change, you'll be encouraged to trust him for all you need today. I have a lot of room to grow but am experiencing this in my life.
I see more blessings looking back at February than I was aware of while living it. But I did know of some along the way. Among the highlights:
-- My great-niece Madison Jean's baptism/christening brought together a lot of generations of families and also a lot of shared heritage at the church where my parents brought up me and my siblings, and where now some of the nieces and nephews and their kids also are members. The church will celebrate its 125th anniversary this fall, and I just feel grateful and blessed to still have such strong ties to the church as well as to my family. Not all people have that as they move on in their lives.
-- My closest associate at work gave her two-weeks' notice Feb. 3, and among the staffing changes after her departure is that I am no longer in a rotation where I work days every third month. Now my shift is until midnight except Wednesdays. It seems like that should actually make it easier for me to get a steady routine going, but I've felt a tiredness this month that I didn't notice when I had the hope of the day shift in a couple of months. Or maybe the tiredness comes from adjusting to other changes. (Or maybe it's still some winter blues.) Change is always challenging for me. But by keeping a daily discipline that starts with prayer and meditation, I have thus far come through better than I could have imagined. And to top it off, after going almost the whole month without writing a catchy headline, I came up with one last Friday that won a prize among my peers: Pennies on roadway are not heaven-cent. (It was on a series of photos about the mess from an armored car losing thousands of pennies on a Tulsa highway.)
-- I see signs of progress in relationships. So far, I'm keeping in touch with my friend who left work. I also managed to connect with other old friends from work and the Oklahoma City Gridiron Club when I attended their annual political satire/spoof last weekend. I miss being in that show, but I had a great time being entertained, visiting and also helping the club out by being an usher. Building and maintaining friendships continues to be difficult for me. I'm grateful for any signs of progress.
-- And then there was the cat. I came home late after a Thursday (Feb. 17) at work and noticed Bridget had started to do her squat-and-pee-on-the-carpet routine, which I knew meant she probably had a urinary tract infection. And that means a trip to the vet, and then having to give the cat pills. None of that ever goes well, and I was filled with dread. I just wanted to cry, and I'm pretty sure I did. But I also prayed, and finally called the vet Friday morning. They said to bring her in, so I did. She stayed overnight and the UTI was confirmed. But there was also concern about elevated glucose in her urine and the possibility she might have diabetes. So they kept her over the weekend for more tests. There is some confirmed diabetes in her farm cat heritage, so of course I spent the weekend preparing myself for the worst even as I hoped and prayed for the best. I dreaded hearing the news. But it turned out good: No diabetes. Whew. We just had to give her the pill for her infection for eight more days after I brought her home. The first three days, Gene was able to do it, but then he went on a trip, and I was on my own. I have never been able to give my sweet kitty a pill, and sometimes Gene and I have failed as a team. But somehow, he succeeded on his three days, and I did on mine. A very good decision I made at the vet clinic, without realizing its significance at the time, was to have them trim Bridget's nails while she was there. I think that may have given us the edge in the pill pursuit. I know I also prayed a lot along the way. God knows my heart when it comes to my little girl. I love her. I see her as a gift from God. And I know she is a cat. I'm just grateful she seems healthy again, back to eating, pooping, peeing and wanting to play (but also still enjoying laptime, naptime and prayertime -- and she never stopped purring!).
-- I had several projects I wanted to get done while Gene was gone. He'll be back tomorrow -- and I didn't finish any of it. All of my Scriptures and devotionals this month have encouraged me to not worry about that stuff and just focus on how much God loves me. But as I said at my 12-step meeting today, the husband doesn't seem to be as understanding as the Higher Power on such matters. I guess I have a few more hours to see how this plays out. (I will continue to pray -- and work.) I also pray he returns refreshed, rested and healthy, but is that ever the case after traveling on business?
-- I learned that a popular teacher who taught me and all my siblings in high school had a heart attack Friday and died as he was being prepared for surgery. He was 69. That seems too young to be gone. But Davy Jones of the Monkees also died of a heart attack today, and he was 66. These are reminders to be live each day to the fullest.
-- Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday were in there, too. And there was some snowfall overnight Feb. 12. Suffice it to say, I survived!
I'm grateful for another month that, even though it often seemed tiring and difficult as I was living it, was clearly a gift from God. Each day is. I want to continue to live in the light of His presence and grow into His likeness.
The email I get each weekday from the Denison Forum included this insight today that fits where I am: Why did Moses want the people to enter Canaan without first exploring the land? Could it be that God's best tomorrow is one we could never understand today? Warren Buffett noted that in business, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield. It is the same with the life of faith--if you look back at all the ways God has provided for you, and you believe that his character does not change, you'll be encouraged to trust him for all you need today. I have a lot of room to grow but am experiencing this in my life.
I see more blessings looking back at February than I was aware of while living it. But I did know of some along the way. Among the highlights:
-- My great-niece Madison Jean's baptism/christening brought together a lot of generations of families and also a lot of shared heritage at the church where my parents brought up me and my siblings, and where now some of the nieces and nephews and their kids also are members. The church will celebrate its 125th anniversary this fall, and I just feel grateful and blessed to still have such strong ties to the church as well as to my family. Not all people have that as they move on in their lives.
-- My closest associate at work gave her two-weeks' notice Feb. 3, and among the staffing changes after her departure is that I am no longer in a rotation where I work days every third month. Now my shift is until midnight except Wednesdays. It seems like that should actually make it easier for me to get a steady routine going, but I've felt a tiredness this month that I didn't notice when I had the hope of the day shift in a couple of months. Or maybe the tiredness comes from adjusting to other changes. (Or maybe it's still some winter blues.) Change is always challenging for me. But by keeping a daily discipline that starts with prayer and meditation, I have thus far come through better than I could have imagined. And to top it off, after going almost the whole month without writing a catchy headline, I came up with one last Friday that won a prize among my peers: Pennies on roadway are not heaven-cent. (It was on a series of photos about the mess from an armored car losing thousands of pennies on a Tulsa highway.)
-- I see signs of progress in relationships. So far, I'm keeping in touch with my friend who left work. I also managed to connect with other old friends from work and the Oklahoma City Gridiron Club when I attended their annual political satire/spoof last weekend. I miss being in that show, but I had a great time being entertained, visiting and also helping the club out by being an usher. Building and maintaining friendships continues to be difficult for me. I'm grateful for any signs of progress.
-- And then there was the cat. I came home late after a Thursday (Feb. 17) at work and noticed Bridget had started to do her squat-and-pee-on-the-carpet routine, which I knew meant she probably had a urinary tract infection. And that means a trip to the vet, and then having to give the cat pills. None of that ever goes well, and I was filled with dread. I just wanted to cry, and I'm pretty sure I did. But I also prayed, and finally called the vet Friday morning. They said to bring her in, so I did. She stayed overnight and the UTI was confirmed. But there was also concern about elevated glucose in her urine and the possibility she might have diabetes. So they kept her over the weekend for more tests. There is some confirmed diabetes in her farm cat heritage, so of course I spent the weekend preparing myself for the worst even as I hoped and prayed for the best. I dreaded hearing the news. But it turned out good: No diabetes. Whew. We just had to give her the pill for her infection for eight more days after I brought her home. The first three days, Gene was able to do it, but then he went on a trip, and I was on my own. I have never been able to give my sweet kitty a pill, and sometimes Gene and I have failed as a team. But somehow, he succeeded on his three days, and I did on mine. A very good decision I made at the vet clinic, without realizing its significance at the time, was to have them trim Bridget's nails while she was there. I think that may have given us the edge in the pill pursuit. I know I also prayed a lot along the way. God knows my heart when it comes to my little girl. I love her. I see her as a gift from God. And I know she is a cat. I'm just grateful she seems healthy again, back to eating, pooping, peeing and wanting to play (but also still enjoying laptime, naptime and prayertime -- and she never stopped purring!).
-- I had several projects I wanted to get done while Gene was gone. He'll be back tomorrow -- and I didn't finish any of it. All of my Scriptures and devotionals this month have encouraged me to not worry about that stuff and just focus on how much God loves me. But as I said at my 12-step meeting today, the husband doesn't seem to be as understanding as the Higher Power on such matters. I guess I have a few more hours to see how this plays out. (I will continue to pray -- and work.) I also pray he returns refreshed, rested and healthy, but is that ever the case after traveling on business?
-- I learned that a popular teacher who taught me and all my siblings in high school had a heart attack Friday and died as he was being prepared for surgery. He was 69. That seems too young to be gone. But Davy Jones of the Monkees also died of a heart attack today, and he was 66. These are reminders to be live each day to the fullest.
-- Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday were in there, too. And there was some snowfall overnight Feb. 12. Suffice it to say, I survived!
I'm grateful for another month that, even though it often seemed tiring and difficult as I was living it, was clearly a gift from God. Each day is. I want to continue to live in the light of His presence and grow into His likeness.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
My Super Sunday
The big event of my Super Bowl Sunday was a large gathering of family and friends for the baptism of my great-niece Madison Jean at early worship at Whaley United Methodist Church in Gainesville, Texas.
Baptisms in which young ones are initiated into the Christian family are always special and cherished and blessed events, but so many aspects of this day made it even richer for me. Part of that may have even come from the realization of having missed these moments with soon-to-be 7-year-old Ami and soon-to-be 3 Heidi at the same church.
But I think the biggest part for me was just such a strong thankfulness to God for the legacy of my churchgoing family. My siblings and I have strong roots at Whaley, where Mom and Dad became members when I was just a young thing. Daddy's parents went there, and it's where we celebrated their lives and his when they passed on. My husband, Gene, and his parents also were longtime members there, although I didn't really know them until after Gene and I met in college. Before Gene's parents died and as my parents aged, I became more and more grateful to God for the church and the love of its people.
And one of the neatest things that has happened is that my oldest sister, Becky, still goes there, and so does her oldest daughter and husband and their two girls. And most recently Becky's daughter-in-law, Brandi, began attending. And it's Brandi's daughter who was baptized. Becky's husband, Tom, and Madison's dad, Danny, are both Catholics, but all attended with many extended family members and friends of various faiths. It was Communion Sunday at Whaley, which in the Methodist church is an open table for all seeking God's grace. And most of those attending did partake.
Then the group gathered for one of the meals that is becoming a family tradition for celebrations at the favorite Smokehouse barbecue restaurant. I have so many pleasant memories of that back room being noisy with conversation, and how it quickly quietens as the food is served, only to pick back up as plates are cleared. Many hugs and smiles and much love are shared along the way.
The only negative for me today was a lot of missed photo opportunities. We let one chance go at church (I wanted a picture of all of Mom's family with Whaley ties), and the next one never really happened. But it's hard to interrupt all that talking and visiting to line up for pictures. So we'll just have to treasure the pictures in our minds. Among mine:
-- Brandi and Danny presenting their precious Madison to be baptized. Brandi also officially transferred her membership to Whaley.
-- My beautiful mom, looking radiant in red, accompanied by her six children: Becky, Barbie, Mike, Pat, Kathy and Amy. And certainly I'm not the only one who strongly felt Daddy's presence with us. (I feel it especially at Communion at Whaley, knowing he made a point of partaking on the final Sunday he was able to attend.)
-- Even with that crowd, Mom took her brother, John, to Sunday school, and Amy and I went, too. I feel so at home and loved among those Christian Thinkers!
-- It's always such a delight to see the other great-nieces and their parents, Emily and Brian, who go to Whaley. Ami and Heidi are full of energy, and you never know what they will say or do.
I've written all these words, and they do not begin to capture what all I am trying to express. But maybe the words will help stir the memories in our hearts as we look back -- and as we go forward.
I thank God for every moment and pray that the family will always treasure this rich heritage and that we will live, love and serve to His glory.
Baptisms in which young ones are initiated into the Christian family are always special and cherished and blessed events, but so many aspects of this day made it even richer for me. Part of that may have even come from the realization of having missed these moments with soon-to-be 7-year-old Ami and soon-to-be 3 Heidi at the same church.
But I think the biggest part for me was just such a strong thankfulness to God for the legacy of my churchgoing family. My siblings and I have strong roots at Whaley, where Mom and Dad became members when I was just a young thing. Daddy's parents went there, and it's where we celebrated their lives and his when they passed on. My husband, Gene, and his parents also were longtime members there, although I didn't really know them until after Gene and I met in college. Before Gene's parents died and as my parents aged, I became more and more grateful to God for the church and the love of its people.
And one of the neatest things that has happened is that my oldest sister, Becky, still goes there, and so does her oldest daughter and husband and their two girls. And most recently Becky's daughter-in-law, Brandi, began attending. And it's Brandi's daughter who was baptized. Becky's husband, Tom, and Madison's dad, Danny, are both Catholics, but all attended with many extended family members and friends of various faiths. It was Communion Sunday at Whaley, which in the Methodist church is an open table for all seeking God's grace. And most of those attending did partake.
Then the group gathered for one of the meals that is becoming a family tradition for celebrations at the favorite Smokehouse barbecue restaurant. I have so many pleasant memories of that back room being noisy with conversation, and how it quickly quietens as the food is served, only to pick back up as plates are cleared. Many hugs and smiles and much love are shared along the way.
The only negative for me today was a lot of missed photo opportunities. We let one chance go at church (I wanted a picture of all of Mom's family with Whaley ties), and the next one never really happened. But it's hard to interrupt all that talking and visiting to line up for pictures. So we'll just have to treasure the pictures in our minds. Among mine:
-- Brandi and Danny presenting their precious Madison to be baptized. Brandi also officially transferred her membership to Whaley.
-- My beautiful mom, looking radiant in red, accompanied by her six children: Becky, Barbie, Mike, Pat, Kathy and Amy. And certainly I'm not the only one who strongly felt Daddy's presence with us. (I feel it especially at Communion at Whaley, knowing he made a point of partaking on the final Sunday he was able to attend.)
-- Even with that crowd, Mom took her brother, John, to Sunday school, and Amy and I went, too. I feel so at home and loved among those Christian Thinkers!
-- It's always such a delight to see the other great-nieces and their parents, Emily and Brian, who go to Whaley. Ami and Heidi are full of energy, and you never know what they will say or do.
I've written all these words, and they do not begin to capture what all I am trying to express. But maybe the words will help stir the memories in our hearts as we look back -- and as we go forward.
I thank God for every moment and pray that the family will always treasure this rich heritage and that we will live, love and serve to His glory.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Until now ... And henceforth
-- Staying mostly in bed and not leaving the house from Friday night until Monday morning last weekend probably really did help me get over a cold faster. It is amazing, though, how tired I still was after spending that much time in bed and/or sleeping and doing nothing.
-- It was great to be back to a weekly meeting I missed last Saturday and church today.
-- As I've mentioned before, on Dec. 21, I made a decision to cut my gum consumption by half, which, as I said at the time, is no small thing for me. Even as I still struggle to keep that commitment in the fourth week, I've added another, prompted by the same strong inner feeling I had about the gum. This one is to quit recording a soap opera and making time to keep up with it. Sounds simple, right? But I guess I'm one of those people that trying to cut back or cut out makes me think I want it more. I have to remind myself every day why I made each decision and why it is worth keeping the commitment to myself. One day at a time is important to remember.
-- I have made some changes in my diet along with the gum. I think overall it's healthier. It's still a work in progress.
-- Oh, yes: The 28-year-old dishwasher quit working Friday night. A lot of people I know would have gone right out on Saturday and bought a new one. We'll actually try to fix ours. Trying to keep old appliances out of the landfill as long as possible, I suppose. And they just don't make things like they used to. Meanwhile, I feel solidarity with Mom and others I know for whom washing dishes by hand is no big deal.
-- I responded passionately to three different things this weekend. I shared insights in writing to make sure people in certain situations were aware of possible mistakes or other options. The world and society sends a lot of messages that seem to say people should mind their own business. And you certainly have to not show emotion! But something within me requires me to express. And so I pray, and usually write, rather than speak. And I trust God with the results.
-- On this 15th day of 2012, I'm mostly feeling positive and hopeful and as if progress is occurring. I'm grateful for that. The new morning prayer routine sitting in a comfortable chair and using the Jesus Calling devotional and A Praying Heart journal starts my day with peace. So many good insights from Scripture. I am learning to say daily and believe: I trust You, Lord.
As the bishop said when he preached at our church today, from 1 Samuel 7:12, up until now, God has been with us and blessed us. And we can have faith that He will continue to be with us and bless us. (But it helps if we start out right from the top, as he shared from his lesson as a 7-year-old who had some trouble with his first beloved button-front shirt.)
-- It was great to be back to a weekly meeting I missed last Saturday and church today.
-- As I've mentioned before, on Dec. 21, I made a decision to cut my gum consumption by half, which, as I said at the time, is no small thing for me. Even as I still struggle to keep that commitment in the fourth week, I've added another, prompted by the same strong inner feeling I had about the gum. This one is to quit recording a soap opera and making time to keep up with it. Sounds simple, right? But I guess I'm one of those people that trying to cut back or cut out makes me think I want it more. I have to remind myself every day why I made each decision and why it is worth keeping the commitment to myself. One day at a time is important to remember.
-- I have made some changes in my diet along with the gum. I think overall it's healthier. It's still a work in progress.
-- Oh, yes: The 28-year-old dishwasher quit working Friday night. A lot of people I know would have gone right out on Saturday and bought a new one. We'll actually try to fix ours. Trying to keep old appliances out of the landfill as long as possible, I suppose. And they just don't make things like they used to. Meanwhile, I feel solidarity with Mom and others I know for whom washing dishes by hand is no big deal.
-- I responded passionately to three different things this weekend. I shared insights in writing to make sure people in certain situations were aware of possible mistakes or other options. The world and society sends a lot of messages that seem to say people should mind their own business. And you certainly have to not show emotion! But something within me requires me to express. And so I pray, and usually write, rather than speak. And I trust God with the results.
-- On this 15th day of 2012, I'm mostly feeling positive and hopeful and as if progress is occurring. I'm grateful for that. The new morning prayer routine sitting in a comfortable chair and using the Jesus Calling devotional and A Praying Heart journal starts my day with peace. So many good insights from Scripture. I am learning to say daily and believe: I trust You, Lord.
As the bishop said when he preached at our church today, from 1 Samuel 7:12, up until now, God has been with us and blessed us. And we can have faith that He will continue to be with us and bless us. (But it helps if we start out right from the top, as he shared from his lesson as a 7-year-old who had some trouble with his first beloved button-front shirt.)
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Blessings/lessons while sick
It is really hard for me to stay home just because I don't feel good. It would help if, by staying home, I got better sooner. But I'm not sure that's the case. I guess I should also consider the germ factor: People probably are glad am not out there spreading them!
Bridget is enjoying me being here.
When she rests so contentedly and purring on my lap, the delight and rightness I feel makes me imagine how God feels when I stop and rest in His Presence.
Lessons/blessings from being sick:
--Different sense of dependence on God. One of my new devotionals for the year has suggested I learn to say, in all things: "I trust You, Jesus." It doesn't come easily. It is amazing how much it has helped when I do.
--I'd rather praise God for keeping me well. I'm glad I know to praise Him for keeping me even when I'm sick.
--Gene is over his health maladies (including last weekend's cold I probably caught), so he can make drug and grocery runs for me.
--Stocking up my gum bank; unexpected answer to one of my odd needs.
I still struggle to understand why I will miss church and 12-step meetings with cold symptoms, but am less likely to stay home from work. (I worked Friday even though Gene would not let me come see him in the hospital; he didn't want me to infect the sick people.) I think it's because they don't "need" me as much at church and OA. I need them. But we really feel it at work when someone is gone. And I can work. I just don't feel great. (And I keep Germ-x with me at all times.)
Now that I think about it, it's somewhat new for me to actually stay home from the OA meeting and church without worse symptoms. Maybe it's a result of me praying more intentionally and seeking God's wisdom and presence. It's still too early to know for sure. I know I hope I wake up in the morning feeling so much better that there's no question about whether I should go to work. I still think that is possible.
Until then and always: "I trust You, Jesus."
Bridget is enjoying me being here.
When she rests so contentedly and purring on my lap, the delight and rightness I feel makes me imagine how God feels when I stop and rest in His Presence.
Lessons/blessings from being sick:
--Different sense of dependence on God. One of my new devotionals for the year has suggested I learn to say, in all things: "I trust You, Jesus." It doesn't come easily. It is amazing how much it has helped when I do.
--I'd rather praise God for keeping me well. I'm glad I know to praise Him for keeping me even when I'm sick.
--Gene is over his health maladies (including last weekend's cold I probably caught), so he can make drug and grocery runs for me.
--Stocking up my gum bank; unexpected answer to one of my odd needs.
I still struggle to understand why I will miss church and 12-step meetings with cold symptoms, but am less likely to stay home from work. (I worked Friday even though Gene would not let me come see him in the hospital; he didn't want me to infect the sick people.) I think it's because they don't "need" me as much at church and OA. I need them. But we really feel it at work when someone is gone. And I can work. I just don't feel great. (And I keep Germ-x with me at all times.)
Now that I think about it, it's somewhat new for me to actually stay home from the OA meeting and church without worse symptoms. Maybe it's a result of me praying more intentionally and seeking God's wisdom and presence. It's still too early to know for sure. I know I hope I wake up in the morning feeling so much better that there's no question about whether I should go to work. I still think that is possible.
Until then and always: "I trust You, Jesus."
Friday, December 23, 2011
I guess it's time -- smiling through tears
Well, the tears are becoming more frequent. They are mostly while I am alone, praying, writing or just thinking. Today's were prompted by a bit of frustration with Christmas preparation, realizing another thing I'd forgotten to take care of, combined with a warm memory about my Dad and a nativity scene I'm pretty sure he wanted me to have. And they are truly still tears of joy and gratitude -- but of course also sadness and loss.
Sadly as for what it says about my vanity, one of the most frustrating things about tears and weeping is that even if I do it privately, the effects of a puffy face and itchy, tired eyes are very public.
So, if you notice my swollen face and eyes or see me crying, understand that I truly do feel joyous and blessed. Those feelings warm me so deeply inside.
As I've expressed many times, smiling through tears produces beautiful prisms, like sunshine or light blazing through water or rain. They are beautiful. They represent beautiful memories and blessings and gifts from God.
And, of course, God's greatest gift is His Son, Whose birth we celebrate at Christmas. That's why I know that even if I cry or my face is puffy or I have a moment of self-pity, God is with me/us. Emmanuel. Joy, joy, JOY TO THE WORLD! The Lord is come!
Sadly as for what it says about my vanity, one of the most frustrating things about tears and weeping is that even if I do it privately, the effects of a puffy face and itchy, tired eyes are very public.
So, if you notice my swollen face and eyes or see me crying, understand that I truly do feel joyous and blessed. Those feelings warm me so deeply inside.
As I've expressed many times, smiling through tears produces beautiful prisms, like sunshine or light blazing through water or rain. They are beautiful. They represent beautiful memories and blessings and gifts from God.
And, of course, God's greatest gift is His Son, Whose birth we celebrate at Christmas. That's why I know that even if I cry or my face is puffy or I have a moment of self-pity, God is with me/us. Emmanuel. Joy, joy, JOY TO THE WORLD! The Lord is come!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Here's to Thanks-living!
Thanksgiving is over, but thanks-living is not.
-- Terry L. Tramel, "The Pen of the Ready Writer"
I was going to post on my blog for Thanksgiving some of the great inspiration I found from family and friends on Facebook, but I didn't get it done. The above post showed up the day after Thanksgiving, and I saw there was still plenty of context for posting.
Many (most) of the inspiring messages and song lyrics actually were posted by Terry. Among them:
-- Apples of Gold - "Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving." (W.T. Purkiser)
-- Point to Ponder - "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." (William Arthur Ward)
-- Evening Praise - "For all that You've done I will thank You, for all that You're going to do; For all that You've promised and all that You are, is all that has carried me through, Jesus, I thank You...And I thank You, thank You, Lord, Thank You, thank You, Lord...Thank You for loving and setting me free, Thank You for giving Your life just for me, How I thank You, Jesus, I thank You, Gratefully thank You, Thank You..." (Dennis Jernigan)
-- Hymn of the Day - "For all the blessings of the year, for all the friends we hold so dear; For peace on earth both far and near, we thank Thee Lord...For life and health, those common things, which every day and hour brings; For home where our affection clings, we thank Thee Lord...For love of Thine which never tires, which all our better thought inspires; And warms our lives with heavenly fires, we thank Thee Lord." (Albert Hutchinson)
-- Point to Ponder - "When we bless God for mercies, we usually prolong them. When we bless God for miseries, we usually end them.". (Charles Spurgeon)
And this from friend Charleen Hudson:
-- I was standing at the kitchen sink after cleaning my oven and I see Cheridan standing in front of the TV dancing instead of cleaning her room. I was going to yell at her and go on a rant about how I really needed their help getting the house ready for tomorrow. Instead, I ripped of my gloves and joined her. I think I made a wise choice. I just hope I can keep this perspective all day.
From Jim Shepherd:
-- You can't be thankful without saying "Thank you." So thank you to all of my friends, old and new, who have embraced me and who have endured me, who have loved me and who have tolerated me, and who cared for me when I have been weak and who have whacked me when I have been stupid. Thank you! A faithful friend is one of life's greatest treasures. And I am thankful for you.
There were others, but these are the ones I saved. They are good reminders to me to live gratefully every day. And the reminder is timely as we are now in a time that for many Christians is observed as Advent, a time of spiritual preparation for the celebration of God's great gift of His Son, Christ, on Christmas, and right after that will come a new year, with so many temptations to set expectations too high.
So, here's the Thanks-living, one day at a time, every day, praying to be a reflection of God's mercy, love and grace.
-- Terry L. Tramel, "The Pen of the Ready Writer"
I was going to post on my blog for Thanksgiving some of the great inspiration I found from family and friends on Facebook, but I didn't get it done. The above post showed up the day after Thanksgiving, and I saw there was still plenty of context for posting.
Many (most) of the inspiring messages and song lyrics actually were posted by Terry. Among them:
-- Apples of Gold - "Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving." (W.T. Purkiser)
-- Point to Ponder - "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." (William Arthur Ward)
-- Evening Praise - "For all that You've done I will thank You, for all that You're going to do; For all that You've promised and all that You are, is all that has carried me through, Jesus, I thank You...And I thank You, thank You, Lord, Thank You, thank You, Lord...Thank You for loving and setting me free, Thank You for giving Your life just for me, How I thank You, Jesus, I thank You, Gratefully thank You, Thank You..." (Dennis Jernigan)
-- Hymn of the Day - "For all the blessings of the year, for all the friends we hold so dear; For peace on earth both far and near, we thank Thee Lord...For life and health, those common things, which every day and hour brings; For home where our affection clings, we thank Thee Lord...For love of Thine which never tires, which all our better thought inspires; And warms our lives with heavenly fires, we thank Thee Lord." (Albert Hutchinson)
-- Point to Ponder - "When we bless God for mercies, we usually prolong them. When we bless God for miseries, we usually end them.". (Charles Spurgeon)
And this from friend Charleen Hudson:
-- I was standing at the kitchen sink after cleaning my oven and I see Cheridan standing in front of the TV dancing instead of cleaning her room. I was going to yell at her and go on a rant about how I really needed their help getting the house ready for tomorrow. Instead, I ripped of my gloves and joined her. I think I made a wise choice. I just hope I can keep this perspective all day.
From Jim Shepherd:
-- You can't be thankful without saying "Thank you." So thank you to all of my friends, old and new, who have embraced me and who have endured me, who have loved me and who have tolerated me, and who cared for me when I have been weak and who have whacked me when I have been stupid. Thank you! A faithful friend is one of life's greatest treasures. And I am thankful for you.
There were others, but these are the ones I saved. They are good reminders to me to live gratefully every day. And the reminder is timely as we are now in a time that for many Christians is observed as Advent, a time of spiritual preparation for the celebration of God's great gift of His Son, Christ, on Christmas, and right after that will come a new year, with so many temptations to set expectations too high.
So, here's the Thanks-living, one day at a time, every day, praying to be a reflection of God's mercy, love and grace.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Giving thanks -- and feeling peace
Somewhere in the first week of November, I realized that several of my Facebook friends were making posts each day of the month stating something for which they are grateful. I've enjoyed reading along. I may try to do something like that next year. As it is, they have helped me look beyond the usual to see things each day for which I am grateful.
I say "look beyond the usual" because I realized on Saturday that gratitude has become an integral part of my daily life. At my 12-step meeting Saturday, I was able to think back clearly to when I didn't have such a deep-rooted sense of gratitude. For many years of my life, this was my predicament: I knew I was blessed. I could see blessings all around me. How could I not feel grateful and blessed? But for whatever reasons, I didn't. I wanted to feel grateful, but it was a longing, not a reality. Some of the 12-step literature reminded me of the process I went through to recognize things that blocked me from feeling grateful. Chief among them: resentment and self-pity, along with a heaping helping of depression. Again, I didn't intend to have those feelings/nonfeelings, but I did.
Through a lot of self-examination, prayer, working with others (some therapy and medicine helped, too), I guess I gradually developed a faith that helped me let go of the resentments and to trust God and to see and feel His very real presence and power in my life. And somewhere along the way, instead of just thinking I ought to feel grateful and wanting to feel grateful, I found myself feeling grateful and blessed, even when I didn't like a particular circumstance or outcome. I became able to see past a situation to focus on God and His love and presence. How could I not feel blessed? How could my heart not sing?
A result of that, for today, is a peace that truly surpasses my understanding. One of the spiritual networks I'm on includes a daily email. For the past week, it focused on Isaiah 26:3: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You." (Or, as it is in my mind from a song I once sang but don't still have the music for: "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.") I don't remember whether any of those messages made the connection between gratitude and peace, but as I sat in my meeting and was thinking of how an attitude of gratitude went hand-in-hand with letting go of self-pity, resentment and even depression, the awareness I had was that the result is peace. And I feel grateful for the peace.
What a wonderful cycle: Look for things for which to express gratitude to God, let go of self-pity and resentment, and feel God's peace. Look for and see more blessings all around (if you don't think you see any, one easy solution is to reach out and do something kind for someone), express gratitude to God, feel more peace -- and some joy, too!
My heart and soul continue to be filled with a warmth and peace that is beyond my understanding or ability to explain. All I can do is say thank You, God. Please help me keep my focus on You, to Your glory, during this particular season of Thanksgiving and always.
I say "look beyond the usual" because I realized on Saturday that gratitude has become an integral part of my daily life. At my 12-step meeting Saturday, I was able to think back clearly to when I didn't have such a deep-rooted sense of gratitude. For many years of my life, this was my predicament: I knew I was blessed. I could see blessings all around me. How could I not feel grateful and blessed? But for whatever reasons, I didn't. I wanted to feel grateful, but it was a longing, not a reality. Some of the 12-step literature reminded me of the process I went through to recognize things that blocked me from feeling grateful. Chief among them: resentment and self-pity, along with a heaping helping of depression. Again, I didn't intend to have those feelings/nonfeelings, but I did.
Through a lot of self-examination, prayer, working with others (some therapy and medicine helped, too), I guess I gradually developed a faith that helped me let go of the resentments and to trust God and to see and feel His very real presence and power in my life. And somewhere along the way, instead of just thinking I ought to feel grateful and wanting to feel grateful, I found myself feeling grateful and blessed, even when I didn't like a particular circumstance or outcome. I became able to see past a situation to focus on God and His love and presence. How could I not feel blessed? How could my heart not sing?
A result of that, for today, is a peace that truly surpasses my understanding. One of the spiritual networks I'm on includes a daily email. For the past week, it focused on Isaiah 26:3: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You." (Or, as it is in my mind from a song I once sang but don't still have the music for: "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.") I don't remember whether any of those messages made the connection between gratitude and peace, but as I sat in my meeting and was thinking of how an attitude of gratitude went hand-in-hand with letting go of self-pity, resentment and even depression, the awareness I had was that the result is peace. And I feel grateful for the peace.
What a wonderful cycle: Look for things for which to express gratitude to God, let go of self-pity and resentment, and feel God's peace. Look for and see more blessings all around (if you don't think you see any, one easy solution is to reach out and do something kind for someone), express gratitude to God, feel more peace -- and some joy, too!
My heart and soul continue to be filled with a warmth and peace that is beyond my understanding or ability to explain. All I can do is say thank You, God. Please help me keep my focus on You, to Your glory, during this particular season of Thanksgiving and always.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Lest I forget: Remembering Daddy, God's blessings
Charles Baker Davidson
March 20, 1926 - October 30, 2011
Son, Brother, Husband, Father, Grandfather, Great-Grandfather
Nov. 2: The celebration of Daddy's life was just right. The church was filled with probably more than 200 people. A lot of those people were family, but there were also many, many friends.
The pastor has only been at Mom and Dad's longtime church (and the church I remember growing up in) since January, but he did a wonderful job of expressing Daddy's spirit and his legacy of family, faith, friends, farm and hard work. Chuck had really listened to Daddy in recent weeks and also to the family, and was able to celebrate his life fully and also share the message of Christ.
Emily read the family recollections of Charles, who he was and some of what he liked. Then I sang "Blessed Assurance." I didn't even remember until that night at Mom's that I changed the words to the final chorus, singing: "This is Dad's story, this is his song, praising our Savior all the day long." I actually looked at Daddy's picture some as I sang and when I finished. I am so grateful to have been able to do that. I didn't fall apart until the service was over, then collected myself in about five minutes or so.
There were so many people at the reception. I didn't even see some of them. Due to many requests, the pastor got the group to quiet down and I did sing the song Daddy in late August had said he wanted written and sung at the gathering after his service. Amy and I wrote it: "Charlie D's Farm." "Ol' Charlie D he had a farm, EIEIO ..." It was fun and very well-received, too. Amy's friends and Sally were among the insistent ones.
My prayer at the end of that day, or along the way: Lord, please help me remember and savor and acknowledge all of your love and grace to our family through these dear ones. I know you are raising us up. Please help me stay focused on You and to live to Your glory.
I have to keep reminding myself that the blog is a Web log, a place where I can record things, and if the first two years is an indication, easily return to them.
So, what is written above is pretty much the note I wrote myself that day. What follows are some of the other notes or reflections I made leading up to that day. Some of it is very personal, so don't feel obligated to keep reading. Again, I don't trust my memory, and writing helps me remember. Possibly it will help others, also, either remember or to make their own kind of notes of those special moments they want to be sure not to forget. (I'm a bit envious of those who don't have to write everything down. I have to remind myself that God created me exactly the way I am, and just tresure the blessing of that.)
Nov 1: I don't even know where to start. From a friend: In very clear ways, a testimony to his life. Psalm 128:3.
Oct. 30: Daddy's gone to heaven. 10/30/11
Mom, Becky and I found out while we were in church. Mom's sister Sally and grandson Brian were with Daddy.
On that long (20-minutes?) drive home from church, the Christian radio station played great songs. The one that really caught my attention and made me prismy (smiles through tears) was an enthusiatic arrangement of "When the Saints Go Marching In." I guess he made it! I had no doubt.
Daddy wanted Mom to go to church. I have to believe that. He told me that the week before. He knew that's where we were going.
Mom had forgotton her phone, and I had called on the way to church to give Brian my number in case they needed to reach us, even though we didn't think they would. I turned the ringer off. So neither I nor Emily (Brian's wife, sitting on the pew next to us) nor Becky (my sister, Emily's mom, driving in for Sunday School) heard our phones to get the calls or messages. Brian had to call sister-in-law Brandi and Emily's dad, Tom, for help, and Tom called the church and they got Becky and told her she needed to call Tom. Becky, Mom and I all had been visiting with people and having good fellowship at church. And then ... In an instant it all changed. I just hope and pray that Mom and Brian and Sally and I never lose faith that God was totally in control of the timing and situation.
Mom insisted on driving home. I was with her, which made it OK, I guess. The music on the radio was comforting. "You Raise Me Up" brought tears as we drove on the gravel and up the lane.
Daddy was so ready. I don't understand why it didn't work out for Mom to be there. I have to believe -- and I do -- that it was all in God's plan for Mom and Daddy and all of us. He is in heaven now. And he has no more pain. And he is reunited with the dear ones who have gone before, including Granny and Grandpa (his Mom and Dad), grandson Ryan, sister Ella Frances and in-laws including Joe and Bobby. But it's still so hard to let him go. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy, love, grace and compassion. We trust you to provide everything we need, now and in the days to come.
Other thoughts/notes about that day:
--Mitsi was on the bed on Daddy's legs as he breathed his last breath, and she got back up there before we got home. Mom didn't even notice her, but I did. That may have been just for me. Before we left, I had said to Daddy how I remembered him saying Mitsi wasn't his cat anymore since he couldn't take care of her. But I assured him he was definitely still her guy.
--It was Becky's birthday. I had just sang happy birthday to her at the church when we got the call. Mom said she hated that it happened on Becky's birthday. But Becky said she realized about two weeks ago it might happen, and when it did, she accepted it as a gift.
--The preacher came by while Becky and Emily and I went to the Dress Barn looking for something for me to wear and for me to buy her a present. So I missed that spiritual bit. But before the funeral home took Daddy's body after Mike got there around 4 pm, all of us who were there at the time, including many who were not when the preacher was there, gathered together, and I prayed. I'm very grateful to have been able to do that.
--It was important to Mike that Daddy's body still be there because when he left to return to Arkansas the day before, he or Daddy had said something about whether Daddy would be there when he came back. Daddy said he would be. Mike also sees why it was important for him to be with his family the night and the next morning to share the news.
--More such moments that I can write. I need to just turn off the light, recite the 23rd Psalm and trust God to hold me and these dear precious ones in the palm of his hand.
Oct. 23-29: Loving my Daddy
Sunday, Oct. 23: Sitting and talking quietly with him. Not avoiding the reality. Him feeling safe to say he knows his life on Earth is over for all practical purposes, and he hates how hard this time is for Mom and that he doesn't want her to wear herself out. He said he would rather not go to a nursing home, but he accepts that at some point that may be what needs to happen for Mom, and he wouldn't want to fight it. That's when he looked at me and said he knows his life is over. And he's OK with that. We talked about the ones who have gone before, and about how blessed and grateful our family is. He said he can't really think of anything he'd do differently in his life, but he doesn't think about that too much because you can't change the past anyway. I said that's right -- we can just live this moment and forward.
And I did what I'd been praying to be able to do: I sang "How Great Thou Art." And then without really planning to, I prayed with him. I prayed for God to just lift up Mom and Dad and our family and to guide and support us and help us live each moment to his glory and I don't even know what else, but it was from the heart.
I said I realize that it's possible the end will come and I won't be there with him at that time, and I think I'm OK with that. I know he won't be alone, and that I am with him in spirit.
Very grateful and blessed.
I love my Daddy so much.
More notes on that: I told him I hope and pray he doesn't have to go to a nursing home, but I'm glad he's realistic about the possibilities. Very good, intimate talk. That's when he said Mom needs to go to church when I or someone is there to stay with him.
God provided and blessed the moment. Grateful.
Sent to Mike very late on Saturday, Oct. 29, catching up since he headed back to Arkansas before I got there: I'm glad you were able to be there when you were. Things seem to be changing pretty fast. Who knows what's next. I'm very grateful for last Sunday morning when I had a good talk with Daddy, and he said a few things to me, too. Then I sang How Great Thou Art and prayed aloud, holding his hand. From what I see tonight, it's hard to realize that was just a week ago. Praying to know what to do to be most helpful to him and mom. Feeling pretty helpless, though.
For today, Nov. 14: Different people work through things different ways, and as I pray to know how to feel and process and move, God often seems to guide me to write (or sing) and just trust Him with the results. And so I share words, even if they are really just for me and God. I truly thought writing all of this would bring a flood of tears. It still brings a flood of feelings, but the tears are staying behind the surface, just misting the eyes. For now, I just keep rejoicing and praising God for the blessings and love He bestowed upon Daddy and our family.
March 20, 1926 - October 30, 2011
Son, Brother, Husband, Father, Grandfather, Great-Grandfather
Nov. 2: The celebration of Daddy's life was just right. The church was filled with probably more than 200 people. A lot of those people were family, but there were also many, many friends.
The pastor has only been at Mom and Dad's longtime church (and the church I remember growing up in) since January, but he did a wonderful job of expressing Daddy's spirit and his legacy of family, faith, friends, farm and hard work. Chuck had really listened to Daddy in recent weeks and also to the family, and was able to celebrate his life fully and also share the message of Christ.
Emily read the family recollections of Charles, who he was and some of what he liked. Then I sang "Blessed Assurance." I didn't even remember until that night at Mom's that I changed the words to the final chorus, singing: "This is Dad's story, this is his song, praising our Savior all the day long." I actually looked at Daddy's picture some as I sang and when I finished. I am so grateful to have been able to do that. I didn't fall apart until the service was over, then collected myself in about five minutes or so.
There were so many people at the reception. I didn't even see some of them. Due to many requests, the pastor got the group to quiet down and I did sing the song Daddy in late August had said he wanted written and sung at the gathering after his service. Amy and I wrote it: "Charlie D's Farm." "Ol' Charlie D he had a farm, EIEIO ..." It was fun and very well-received, too. Amy's friends and Sally were among the insistent ones.
My prayer at the end of that day, or along the way: Lord, please help me remember and savor and acknowledge all of your love and grace to our family through these dear ones. I know you are raising us up. Please help me stay focused on You and to live to Your glory.
I have to keep reminding myself that the blog is a Web log, a place where I can record things, and if the first two years is an indication, easily return to them.
So, what is written above is pretty much the note I wrote myself that day. What follows are some of the other notes or reflections I made leading up to that day. Some of it is very personal, so don't feel obligated to keep reading. Again, I don't trust my memory, and writing helps me remember. Possibly it will help others, also, either remember or to make their own kind of notes of those special moments they want to be sure not to forget. (I'm a bit envious of those who don't have to write everything down. I have to remind myself that God created me exactly the way I am, and just tresure the blessing of that.)
Nov 1: I don't even know where to start. From a friend: In very clear ways, a testimony to his life. Psalm 128:3.
Oct. 30: Daddy's gone to heaven. 10/30/11
Mom, Becky and I found out while we were in church. Mom's sister Sally and grandson Brian were with Daddy.
On that long (20-minutes?) drive home from church, the Christian radio station played great songs. The one that really caught my attention and made me prismy (smiles through tears) was an enthusiatic arrangement of "When the Saints Go Marching In." I guess he made it! I had no doubt.
Daddy wanted Mom to go to church. I have to believe that. He told me that the week before. He knew that's where we were going.
Mom had forgotton her phone, and I had called on the way to church to give Brian my number in case they needed to reach us, even though we didn't think they would. I turned the ringer off. So neither I nor Emily (Brian's wife, sitting on the pew next to us) nor Becky (my sister, Emily's mom, driving in for Sunday School) heard our phones to get the calls or messages. Brian had to call sister-in-law Brandi and Emily's dad, Tom, for help, and Tom called the church and they got Becky and told her she needed to call Tom. Becky, Mom and I all had been visiting with people and having good fellowship at church. And then ... In an instant it all changed. I just hope and pray that Mom and Brian and Sally and I never lose faith that God was totally in control of the timing and situation.
Mom insisted on driving home. I was with her, which made it OK, I guess. The music on the radio was comforting. "You Raise Me Up" brought tears as we drove on the gravel and up the lane.
Daddy was so ready. I don't understand why it didn't work out for Mom to be there. I have to believe -- and I do -- that it was all in God's plan for Mom and Daddy and all of us. He is in heaven now. And he has no more pain. And he is reunited with the dear ones who have gone before, including Granny and Grandpa (his Mom and Dad), grandson Ryan, sister Ella Frances and in-laws including Joe and Bobby. But it's still so hard to let him go. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy, love, grace and compassion. We trust you to provide everything we need, now and in the days to come.
Other thoughts/notes about that day:
--Mitsi was on the bed on Daddy's legs as he breathed his last breath, and she got back up there before we got home. Mom didn't even notice her, but I did. That may have been just for me. Before we left, I had said to Daddy how I remembered him saying Mitsi wasn't his cat anymore since he couldn't take care of her. But I assured him he was definitely still her guy.
--It was Becky's birthday. I had just sang happy birthday to her at the church when we got the call. Mom said she hated that it happened on Becky's birthday. But Becky said she realized about two weeks ago it might happen, and when it did, she accepted it as a gift.
--The preacher came by while Becky and Emily and I went to the Dress Barn looking for something for me to wear and for me to buy her a present. So I missed that spiritual bit. But before the funeral home took Daddy's body after Mike got there around 4 pm, all of us who were there at the time, including many who were not when the preacher was there, gathered together, and I prayed. I'm very grateful to have been able to do that.
--It was important to Mike that Daddy's body still be there because when he left to return to Arkansas the day before, he or Daddy had said something about whether Daddy would be there when he came back. Daddy said he would be. Mike also sees why it was important for him to be with his family the night and the next morning to share the news.
--More such moments that I can write. I need to just turn off the light, recite the 23rd Psalm and trust God to hold me and these dear precious ones in the palm of his hand.
Oct. 23-29: Loving my Daddy
Sunday, Oct. 23: Sitting and talking quietly with him. Not avoiding the reality. Him feeling safe to say he knows his life on Earth is over for all practical purposes, and he hates how hard this time is for Mom and that he doesn't want her to wear herself out. He said he would rather not go to a nursing home, but he accepts that at some point that may be what needs to happen for Mom, and he wouldn't want to fight it. That's when he looked at me and said he knows his life is over. And he's OK with that. We talked about the ones who have gone before, and about how blessed and grateful our family is. He said he can't really think of anything he'd do differently in his life, but he doesn't think about that too much because you can't change the past anyway. I said that's right -- we can just live this moment and forward.
And I did what I'd been praying to be able to do: I sang "How Great Thou Art." And then without really planning to, I prayed with him. I prayed for God to just lift up Mom and Dad and our family and to guide and support us and help us live each moment to his glory and I don't even know what else, but it was from the heart.
I said I realize that it's possible the end will come and I won't be there with him at that time, and I think I'm OK with that. I know he won't be alone, and that I am with him in spirit.
Very grateful and blessed.
I love my Daddy so much.
More notes on that: I told him I hope and pray he doesn't have to go to a nursing home, but I'm glad he's realistic about the possibilities. Very good, intimate talk. That's when he said Mom needs to go to church when I or someone is there to stay with him.
God provided and blessed the moment. Grateful.
Sent to Mike very late on Saturday, Oct. 29, catching up since he headed back to Arkansas before I got there: I'm glad you were able to be there when you were. Things seem to be changing pretty fast. Who knows what's next. I'm very grateful for last Sunday morning when I had a good talk with Daddy, and he said a few things to me, too. Then I sang How Great Thou Art and prayed aloud, holding his hand. From what I see tonight, it's hard to realize that was just a week ago. Praying to know what to do to be most helpful to him and mom. Feeling pretty helpless, though.
For today, Nov. 14: Different people work through things different ways, and as I pray to know how to feel and process and move, God often seems to guide me to write (or sing) and just trust Him with the results. And so I share words, even if they are really just for me and God. I truly thought writing all of this would bring a flood of tears. It still brings a flood of feelings, but the tears are staying behind the surface, just misting the eyes. For now, I just keep rejoicing and praising God for the blessings and love He bestowed upon Daddy and our family.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Milestones, reminders, placeholders -- and hope
Last Saturday was the second anniversary of That's the Spirit. I actually checked in October to see when I started it, knowing I was writing by November 2009, and thinking I would post something reflective for the anniversary. But even though I posted Nov. 4, the Nov. 5 anniversary wasn't on my mind. I didn't remember until my cousin Eric mentioned his blog's ninth anniversary earlier this week. Not that a blog anniversary is really anything worth mentioning. But those of you who have read along the way -- and especially those who have read from the beginning -- probably understand why it is worth mentioning for me. I hope and pray it is a tool and not a distraction. I believe that is true.
I had hoped the blog would evolve into sharp writing and clear observations by now. That hasn't happened. I accept that it is exactly what it is supposed to be today. I've stayed true to my original goals, and only once did I go eight days instead of seven without posting. Too many of these posts have been what I call placeholders, nothing more than checking in to say I met my deadline. But usually, even on those, I ended up putting together a word or two of hope and inspiration. And on those rare times when I did post something that seemed more worthwhile, I knew the act of checking in had played a part.
Technically, this is another placeholder. I have so many more important things I want and need to express. Part of me fears that the longer I wait the harder it will be. And another, hopefully stronger, part of me believes that when the time is right, I will write about those things. I am grateful for family, friends, Scripture, prayer and my relationship with Christ, all of which reassure me that where and who and how I am is blessed, even as I prayerfully strive to improve. God bless you all!
I had hoped the blog would evolve into sharp writing and clear observations by now. That hasn't happened. I accept that it is exactly what it is supposed to be today. I've stayed true to my original goals, and only once did I go eight days instead of seven without posting. Too many of these posts have been what I call placeholders, nothing more than checking in to say I met my deadline. But usually, even on those, I ended up putting together a word or two of hope and inspiration. And on those rare times when I did post something that seemed more worthwhile, I knew the act of checking in had played a part.
Technically, this is another placeholder. I have so many more important things I want and need to express. Part of me fears that the longer I wait the harder it will be. And another, hopefully stronger, part of me believes that when the time is right, I will write about those things. I am grateful for family, friends, Scripture, prayer and my relationship with Christ, all of which reassure me that where and who and how I am is blessed, even as I prayerfully strive to improve. God bless you all!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day reflections
There were times in my life I didn't really give much thought to whether I'd ever have kids. Especially when I was in college and dating and even after I was engaged, the thought of focusing on career and spouse instead of raising a family seemed as instinctive as anything maternal.
I won't go into the details of when and how that changed, but by time I was 35, I was pretty sure I would never be a mother. And by then, I wasn't happy about it.
I went through a period where Mother's Days and many other family, work and church events, especially those involving stages of growing families, carried some bitter along with the wonderful sweetness. I regretted decisions I had made that seemed to have led to this fate, but I also wondered if maybe God didn't think I would have been a good mother. After all, He knows I can barely take care of me and my own stuff; how could He have entrusted me with precious new lives? But I would look around at the wide range of women having children, some seeming far less capable than me, and again not understand why I couldn't be one of them. After all, doesn't God equip us for the roles He gives us?
OK, then, maybe, for whatever reason, the role God equipped me for wasn't to be a Mom but rather to be a searcher, an observer and, eventually, a supporter. I'm not sure I fill those roles much better than I do the role of personal caretaker. But as my faith continues to grow, I feel peace with where I am in relationship to my husband, my parents, my siblings and extended family and friends.
There are so many ways in all of these relationships that I would like to be more -- more supportive, more helpful, more consistent, more reliable. I continue to pray to grow in all of these relationships -- and beyond -- to God's glory. He continues to show me the blessings of such growth and that gives me hope that all things are possible in my relationships (including self and self-care) if I stay focused on God.
I'm not a mom, but today was a great Mother's Day. So much love of mothers and grandmothers and greats and other special women was shared among family and friends. I hope and pray everyone was able to experience some blessings and precious memories today.
I won't go into the details of when and how that changed, but by time I was 35, I was pretty sure I would never be a mother. And by then, I wasn't happy about it.
I went through a period where Mother's Days and many other family, work and church events, especially those involving stages of growing families, carried some bitter along with the wonderful sweetness. I regretted decisions I had made that seemed to have led to this fate, but I also wondered if maybe God didn't think I would have been a good mother. After all, He knows I can barely take care of me and my own stuff; how could He have entrusted me with precious new lives? But I would look around at the wide range of women having children, some seeming far less capable than me, and again not understand why I couldn't be one of them. After all, doesn't God equip us for the roles He gives us?
OK, then, maybe, for whatever reason, the role God equipped me for wasn't to be a Mom but rather to be a searcher, an observer and, eventually, a supporter. I'm not sure I fill those roles much better than I do the role of personal caretaker. But as my faith continues to grow, I feel peace with where I am in relationship to my husband, my parents, my siblings and extended family and friends.
There are so many ways in all of these relationships that I would like to be more -- more supportive, more helpful, more consistent, more reliable. I continue to pray to grow in all of these relationships -- and beyond -- to God's glory. He continues to show me the blessings of such growth and that gives me hope that all things are possible in my relationships (including self and self-care) if I stay focused on God.
I'm not a mom, but today was a great Mother's Day. So much love of mothers and grandmothers and greats and other special women was shared among family and friends. I hope and pray everyone was able to experience some blessings and precious memories today.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Still my parents' child
I had looked forward to another weekend trip home to visit my parents. But after another long work shift Friday that didn't end until after 2 a.m. Saturday, I was about to talk myself out of the two-hour trip. What was I going for, anyway? Basically, just to visit. Some of my siblings are good at recognizing chores to do and needs to fill when they are there. But I tend just to visit.
And it finally occurred to me: That's reason enough to go. And then I had another realization: I still really benefit from time with my parents. As I told them after church today, I do hope my visits are good for them, too. But I know they are very good for me. I still need parenting. Spending time with my parents is like going to church. It infuses my soul. I soak up love and inspiration and wisdom and just the treasures of presence.
This trip also included an opportunity to spend a little more time with my husband, which, due in large part to that same crazy work schedule, seems to require more planning than it used to.
I'm grateful I gave myself the extra push -- or maybe that was God, because the decision came after some focused prayer -- and made the trip. I had to pass up some things I wanted to do this past week and even the weekend, but I feel confident the time was well spent and I am blessed. I pray to share the blessing, to God's glory.
And it finally occurred to me: That's reason enough to go. And then I had another realization: I still really benefit from time with my parents. As I told them after church today, I do hope my visits are good for them, too. But I know they are very good for me. I still need parenting. Spending time with my parents is like going to church. It infuses my soul. I soak up love and inspiration and wisdom and just the treasures of presence.
This trip also included an opportunity to spend a little more time with my husband, which, due in large part to that same crazy work schedule, seems to require more planning than it used to.
I'm grateful I gave myself the extra push -- or maybe that was God, because the decision came after some focused prayer -- and made the trip. I had to pass up some things I wanted to do this past week and even the weekend, but I feel confident the time was well spent and I am blessed. I pray to share the blessing, to God's glory.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Pacesetters
My Dad turned 85 yesterday (Sunday), and he's scheduled to get a pacemaker tomorrow (Tuesday). I'd say for someone with an irregular heartbeat, that apparently can get real slow sometimes nowadays, he's done a great job throughout life of keeping on keeping on and setting a good example for those who are watching, such as this daughter. And Mom's right there with him, day by day showing that life's too short not to stay active and treasure each moment.
I feel so blessed when I get to spend time with them, such as this past Saturday and Sunday. Mom had a get-together with some of the family Saturday at their house. Not all of the kids were there right then, but all had been by to visit in the past week. We all enjoy visiting each other, but it also seems good for Mom and Dad when we space out our visits rather than all come at once. Saturday was nice though. The weather was warm enough for people to sit around outside, on the north side of the house, shielded somewhat from the brisk south wind. As darkness fell, there was even a super moon to provide atmosphere! The dry weather and north Texas burn ban meant no candles on the cake, but that was OK, too.
Sunday brought worship with Mom and Dad, my brother and sister-in-law and one of their daughters, and a sister and brother-in-law and their daughter-in-law at the church we grew up in. I'd planned to be there ever since I realized Daddy's birthday was on a Sunday. I planned far enough ahead that I was able to provide special music, singing "His Eye Is on the Sparrow," filling a request for a church member who is also a relative. I may have even had a breakthrough singing there this time. It's where I grew up singing and wanting to sing, but somewhere along the way, I lost confidence. And even as I gained confidence singing other places, I'd become aware that when I sing during worship at Whaley, some of the old nervousness and doubt kicks in. But I prayed about it and really tried to just get lost in the words: Let not your heart be troubled/ His tender words I hear/ And resting in His goodness/ I lose all doubt and fear .... I sing because I'm happy/ I sing because I'm free/ His eye is on the sparrow/ And I know He watches me. I truly felt the joy and blessing of the song, and I'm grateful for that.
Besides the words of the song, I also was encouraged by another example from my pacesetter mom. She had set her mind to having Daddy's party at their house, even though it's not as roomy as some others that are pretty easily available. Even on Saturday, as the crowd grew, a comment was made that this could have been somewhere else. But Mom said she wanted to have it there, so Daddy didn't have to go anywhere. And she said she knew it would work. And it did. How I love that faith and spirit. I'm trying to hold onto it.
As for my Dad, in some ways he seemed as strong or stronger this weekend as I've seen him since his lung surgery last fall, and maybe for some time before that. The thought crossed my mind: Does he really need a pacemaker? But I do understand the need. And I appreciate that he and Mom are willing to do things to keep them as healthy as they can be. I'm still working to learn from that example for myself.
So, soon my pacesetting parents will have a pacemaker to help them out. (I say help them out because if it's good for Daddy, that's good for Mom.) Now I'll never be able to keep up! But I feel grateful and blessed for the pace they have set and my willingness to keep trying.
I feel so blessed when I get to spend time with them, such as this past Saturday and Sunday. Mom had a get-together with some of the family Saturday at their house. Not all of the kids were there right then, but all had been by to visit in the past week. We all enjoy visiting each other, but it also seems good for Mom and Dad when we space out our visits rather than all come at once. Saturday was nice though. The weather was warm enough for people to sit around outside, on the north side of the house, shielded somewhat from the brisk south wind. As darkness fell, there was even a super moon to provide atmosphere! The dry weather and north Texas burn ban meant no candles on the cake, but that was OK, too.
Sunday brought worship with Mom and Dad, my brother and sister-in-law and one of their daughters, and a sister and brother-in-law and their daughter-in-law at the church we grew up in. I'd planned to be there ever since I realized Daddy's birthday was on a Sunday. I planned far enough ahead that I was able to provide special music, singing "His Eye Is on the Sparrow," filling a request for a church member who is also a relative. I may have even had a breakthrough singing there this time. It's where I grew up singing and wanting to sing, but somewhere along the way, I lost confidence. And even as I gained confidence singing other places, I'd become aware that when I sing during worship at Whaley, some of the old nervousness and doubt kicks in. But I prayed about it and really tried to just get lost in the words: Let not your heart be troubled/ His tender words I hear/ And resting in His goodness/ I lose all doubt and fear .... I sing because I'm happy/ I sing because I'm free/ His eye is on the sparrow/ And I know He watches me. I truly felt the joy and blessing of the song, and I'm grateful for that.
Besides the words of the song, I also was encouraged by another example from my pacesetter mom. She had set her mind to having Daddy's party at their house, even though it's not as roomy as some others that are pretty easily available. Even on Saturday, as the crowd grew, a comment was made that this could have been somewhere else. But Mom said she wanted to have it there, so Daddy didn't have to go anywhere. And she said she knew it would work. And it did. How I love that faith and spirit. I'm trying to hold onto it.
As for my Dad, in some ways he seemed as strong or stronger this weekend as I've seen him since his lung surgery last fall, and maybe for some time before that. The thought crossed my mind: Does he really need a pacemaker? But I do understand the need. And I appreciate that he and Mom are willing to do things to keep them as healthy as they can be. I'm still working to learn from that example for myself.
So, soon my pacesetting parents will have a pacemaker to help them out. (I say help them out because if it's good for Daddy, that's good for Mom.) Now I'll never be able to keep up! But I feel grateful and blessed for the pace they have set and my willingness to keep trying.
Monday, March 14, 2011
What it takes
Psalmcat 52:3.14.11
During two weeks of what seemed like futile efforts in battling a cold, sinus congestion, allergies or whatever, I sometimes found myself wondering: What's it going to take to get over this?
Well, I finally feel better, and a few thoughts come to mind.
Time. This was probably the most crucial thing. Lots of experts say this, but people including myself often don't accept it. I drive myself nuts trying to find the right combination of rest, food, over-the-counter drugs and wondering whether I should go to the doctor or just let it run its course. I did the best I could with those things, but I think it was the passage of time that contributed the most to healing.
Hope. Many, many mornings, afternoons, evenings and nights I found myself thinking I was feeling better. I was so determined to keep a good attitude. And I think that does help in the long run, even though it also may have hurt in some short terms, as I kept heading on to work ("I don't feel THAT bad") instead of staying home to rest the fourth and fifth days. Instead, I waited until the weekend, and I ended up spending three days in bed. In those days, hope dimmed noticeably, but it didn't fade away. And now what I had hoped for has come to fruition.
Rest. I always know this is essential, but I try so hard to work in the adequate rest for healing while still being able to go to work. Maybe this time I will learn. On Thursday at work, I was sure I shouldn't be there, but I didn't go home. The next day, I thought I felt better and went back to work. And within a couple of hours, I knew I shouldn't be there again, but I still kept working. That's what led to a Saturday through Monday in bed. And I think that was essential to eventually getting better. And I also think I might have gotten better sooner if I'd stayed home in bed sooner.
Water. I typically drink a lot of water, but when it comes to clearing this congestion up, I needed to drink even more. And now that I'm better, I need to keep drinking plenty of water. I'm reminded of this when I feel little residual sensations in my nose or throat. (Time for a gulp now!)
Encouragement. I feel like a wimp when I'm sick, and I'd prefer people not even know. I don't want to draw pity. But I cannot discount the healing power of the prayers and encouraging words and support and unconditional love of family and friends when I'm honest about what's going on with me.
Prayer. Pray without ceasing, in the good times and the bad, even when answers don't seem forthcoming. And of course, I couldn't just pray for myself. All that time in bed, much of it unable to sleep, gave me many opportunities to lift up family, friends and concerns at large to the care of the Almighty God.
Faith. Between my Disciple Bible Study readings and my daily readings from Beth Moore's "Praying God's Word Day by Day," I've been reminded of an element of answered prayer that I'm not sure I'd ever even realized. As Beth put it on March 1 (day 2 of my misery), "Whether or not we like the concept, Christ loves to respond to us according to our faith." And then she included examples in the Gospels where people expressed their faith before they were healed. As Beth says, "Lord, I want to be like the one to whom You said, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.' (Matt. 15:28) Flourish this kind of faith in me, God!"
As usual, there are more things I could add, but I'm out of time. I'm just grateful and relieved to finally feel better. I continue to praise and thank God for His many blessings, including the love, support and encouragement of so many people in my life.
During two weeks of what seemed like futile efforts in battling a cold, sinus congestion, allergies or whatever, I sometimes found myself wondering: What's it going to take to get over this?
Well, I finally feel better, and a few thoughts come to mind.
Time. This was probably the most crucial thing. Lots of experts say this, but people including myself often don't accept it. I drive myself nuts trying to find the right combination of rest, food, over-the-counter drugs and wondering whether I should go to the doctor or just let it run its course. I did the best I could with those things, but I think it was the passage of time that contributed the most to healing.
Hope. Many, many mornings, afternoons, evenings and nights I found myself thinking I was feeling better. I was so determined to keep a good attitude. And I think that does help in the long run, even though it also may have hurt in some short terms, as I kept heading on to work ("I don't feel THAT bad") instead of staying home to rest the fourth and fifth days. Instead, I waited until the weekend, and I ended up spending three days in bed. In those days, hope dimmed noticeably, but it didn't fade away. And now what I had hoped for has come to fruition.
Rest. I always know this is essential, but I try so hard to work in the adequate rest for healing while still being able to go to work. Maybe this time I will learn. On Thursday at work, I was sure I shouldn't be there, but I didn't go home. The next day, I thought I felt better and went back to work. And within a couple of hours, I knew I shouldn't be there again, but I still kept working. That's what led to a Saturday through Monday in bed. And I think that was essential to eventually getting better. And I also think I might have gotten better sooner if I'd stayed home in bed sooner.
Water. I typically drink a lot of water, but when it comes to clearing this congestion up, I needed to drink even more. And now that I'm better, I need to keep drinking plenty of water. I'm reminded of this when I feel little residual sensations in my nose or throat. (Time for a gulp now!)
Encouragement. I feel like a wimp when I'm sick, and I'd prefer people not even know. I don't want to draw pity. But I cannot discount the healing power of the prayers and encouraging words and support and unconditional love of family and friends when I'm honest about what's going on with me.
Prayer. Pray without ceasing, in the good times and the bad, even when answers don't seem forthcoming. And of course, I couldn't just pray for myself. All that time in bed, much of it unable to sleep, gave me many opportunities to lift up family, friends and concerns at large to the care of the Almighty God.
Faith. Between my Disciple Bible Study readings and my daily readings from Beth Moore's "Praying God's Word Day by Day," I've been reminded of an element of answered prayer that I'm not sure I'd ever even realized. As Beth put it on March 1 (day 2 of my misery), "Whether or not we like the concept, Christ loves to respond to us according to our faith." And then she included examples in the Gospels where people expressed their faith before they were healed. As Beth says, "Lord, I want to be like the one to whom You said, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.' (Matt. 15:28) Flourish this kind of faith in me, God!"
As usual, there are more things I could add, but I'm out of time. I'm just grateful and relieved to finally feel better. I continue to praise and thank God for His many blessings, including the love, support and encouragement of so many people in my life.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Birthday blessings and lessons
Psalmcat 52:3.11.11
I really wanted to post something on my birthday, and my mind is blank.
I am blessed, and my mind is blank.
I was going to post about birthday blessings and lessons, but my mind is blank.
So I guess I should just go to bed. (It's much later than the time stamp will show.)
Sigh.
OK. I can't quite let it go ...
One of the thoughts/lessons: There's a fine line -- and a huge difference -- between being self-aware (good for me) and self-absorbed (bad for me). I've been venturing too close to the side that's bad for me. I think it may be part of a process as I come to terms with some of the things I'm becoming aware of about how I am and possible reasons why. I want to learn and grow, but I guess this, like everything else, will take time.
One of the blessings: The love and support and encouragement of family and friends, no matter what.
The greatest blessing: God's great love, on my birthday and always.
I really wanted to post something on my birthday, and my mind is blank.
I am blessed, and my mind is blank.
I was going to post about birthday blessings and lessons, but my mind is blank.
So I guess I should just go to bed. (It's much later than the time stamp will show.)
Sigh.
OK. I can't quite let it go ...
One of the thoughts/lessons: There's a fine line -- and a huge difference -- between being self-aware (good for me) and self-absorbed (bad for me). I've been venturing too close to the side that's bad for me. I think it may be part of a process as I come to terms with some of the things I'm becoming aware of about how I am and possible reasons why. I want to learn and grow, but I guess this, like everything else, will take time.
One of the blessings: The love and support and encouragement of family and friends, no matter what.
The greatest blessing: God's great love, on my birthday and always.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Making God laugh
Psalmcat 51:2.5.11
I hope it's a sign of spiritual maturity and not immaturity or senility that I'm learning to laugh with God when He laughs at me after I make plans.
It seems I've found myself making plans several times since the start of this year, trying to become more organized and efficient. It even seems like I'm making my plans prayerfully, seeking God's greater good and not just my own selfish desires. But it also seems that every time, something unexpected has come along to shift my priorities from what I had planned. Layoffs (not me, fortunately, but they affected me), dental work, winter storms, even my parents' health to some extent have thrown me off my attempt to get "on track."
But the continuing refrain is that it is OK. God is great, I am blessed, and life is good. I laugh to myself as I write that, thinking of how cliche it sounds. And some days when I write those words in my journal or online, I have to check myself. Do I really believe that? Will I believe that if my health fails, I lose my job or my parents, or some tragedy befalls? Some day those things will occur, and I believe that the little detours God allows to get in my way are helping prepare me. I also know there were times in my life when these kinds of "little" detours immobilized me -- mentally, and sometimes even physically. It may seem cliche or trite, but the fact is, for me, since I've become more faithful in praying, reading the Bible, looking to God, looking for the good and being thankful in all things, my outlook has changed. I can find the good. I see the blessings. It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it has taken many, many years, and I'm pretty sure the journey is far from over. Some days are still a struggle. But hopelessness is gone, gone, gone.
What a joy!
It is a joy that, for today, when God seems to laugh at my plans, I can laugh, too, and be thankful. He is so good, and my heart rejoices.
I hope it's a sign of spiritual maturity and not immaturity or senility that I'm learning to laugh with God when He laughs at me after I make plans.
It seems I've found myself making plans several times since the start of this year, trying to become more organized and efficient. It even seems like I'm making my plans prayerfully, seeking God's greater good and not just my own selfish desires. But it also seems that every time, something unexpected has come along to shift my priorities from what I had planned. Layoffs (not me, fortunately, but they affected me), dental work, winter storms, even my parents' health to some extent have thrown me off my attempt to get "on track."
But the continuing refrain is that it is OK. God is great, I am blessed, and life is good. I laugh to myself as I write that, thinking of how cliche it sounds. And some days when I write those words in my journal or online, I have to check myself. Do I really believe that? Will I believe that if my health fails, I lose my job or my parents, or some tragedy befalls? Some day those things will occur, and I believe that the little detours God allows to get in my way are helping prepare me. I also know there were times in my life when these kinds of "little" detours immobilized me -- mentally, and sometimes even physically. It may seem cliche or trite, but the fact is, for me, since I've become more faithful in praying, reading the Bible, looking to God, looking for the good and being thankful in all things, my outlook has changed. I can find the good. I see the blessings. It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it has taken many, many years, and I'm pretty sure the journey is far from over. Some days are still a struggle. But hopelessness is gone, gone, gone.
What a joy!
It is a joy that, for today, when God seems to laugh at my plans, I can laugh, too, and be thankful. He is so good, and my heart rejoices.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Through it all: Sweet music of life
As 2010 winds down, I feel compelled to write again about two events from this past year. They stand out above the rest as evidence that even in the toughest times, the sweet music of life can be heard and shared.
The first is so bitter I hate to even write about it. On Jan. 5, as I was preparing to meet my brother in Weatherford to watch his daughter play basketball with her college team from Arkansas, I got a call from my mom saying Mike wouldn't be coming to Oklahoma. When I asked why, the news was stunning: My uncle Joe, who lived near Mike and his family in Arkansas, had been found dead that morning. Circumstances were tragic and unsettling and to this day seem incomprehensible. But as has happened every time my Mom or my Dad or anyone in their families have faced dire situations, close and extended family and friends rallied together in faith and fellowship to get through it. Some relationships seemed to grow stronger and become more treasured with the stark reminder of just how precious and fragile life is. In no way, shape or form did any of the positive outcomes make up for the loss and heartache. But I think a powerful lesson of life and faith is that even in the worst of times, we have choices. Even in the face of my uncle's irreversible choice that seemed to be born of hopelessness, survivors chose to find hope and forgiveness and precious memories and the faithfulness of God.
The second development began in mid-August. When my Dad, a longtime (but by then ex-) smoker who also has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) and emphysema, decided it was time for a chest x-ray, a small spot was found on a lung. Thus began a series of doctor's visits and tests and evaluations; a cancer diagnosis; indecision and decisions -- and eventually surgery on Oct. 5. After initially amazing results and recovery and then some setbacks and discouragement, he left the final hospital Nov. 24, the day before Thanksgiving.
I've written many words about this as Dad and Mom and the family went through the decisions and the results of those decisions. Many of those words are in past blog posts. Tonight, I'm just trying to feel and put into words some of my love and joy and gratitude for God and my parents and my family and friends. And words still come up woefully short. How do you convey through written words a smile, a hug and the warm pulse of a beating heart? Close your eyes, and maybe you'll see and feel it.
At least on the surface, many things continue to look bleak as I prepare to turn the calendar page. There are loved ones in poor health or without jobs. Some aspects of our culture, the economy and world are frightening. We're all getting older ....
But the year that's ending teaches me not to be afraid -- or at least to not stay afraid. It's OK to feel moments of sadness, discouragement, grief, frustration, anger and fear. But I need not let them paralyze me. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. ... He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. ... Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever" (Psalm 23).
Even when I recite the 23rd Psalm in my head, I hear music -- the sweet music of life that flows from faith, family, friendship and spirit. May I never cease to seek it and share it -- and give the glory to God.
The first is so bitter I hate to even write about it. On Jan. 5, as I was preparing to meet my brother in Weatherford to watch his daughter play basketball with her college team from Arkansas, I got a call from my mom saying Mike wouldn't be coming to Oklahoma. When I asked why, the news was stunning: My uncle Joe, who lived near Mike and his family in Arkansas, had been found dead that morning. Circumstances were tragic and unsettling and to this day seem incomprehensible. But as has happened every time my Mom or my Dad or anyone in their families have faced dire situations, close and extended family and friends rallied together in faith and fellowship to get through it. Some relationships seemed to grow stronger and become more treasured with the stark reminder of just how precious and fragile life is. In no way, shape or form did any of the positive outcomes make up for the loss and heartache. But I think a powerful lesson of life and faith is that even in the worst of times, we have choices. Even in the face of my uncle's irreversible choice that seemed to be born of hopelessness, survivors chose to find hope and forgiveness and precious memories and the faithfulness of God.
The second development began in mid-August. When my Dad, a longtime (but by then ex-) smoker who also has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) and emphysema, decided it was time for a chest x-ray, a small spot was found on a lung. Thus began a series of doctor's visits and tests and evaluations; a cancer diagnosis; indecision and decisions -- and eventually surgery on Oct. 5. After initially amazing results and recovery and then some setbacks and discouragement, he left the final hospital Nov. 24, the day before Thanksgiving.
I've written many words about this as Dad and Mom and the family went through the decisions and the results of those decisions. Many of those words are in past blog posts. Tonight, I'm just trying to feel and put into words some of my love and joy and gratitude for God and my parents and my family and friends. And words still come up woefully short. How do you convey through written words a smile, a hug and the warm pulse of a beating heart? Close your eyes, and maybe you'll see and feel it.
At least on the surface, many things continue to look bleak as I prepare to turn the calendar page. There are loved ones in poor health or without jobs. Some aspects of our culture, the economy and world are frightening. We're all getting older ....
But the year that's ending teaches me not to be afraid -- or at least to not stay afraid. It's OK to feel moments of sadness, discouragement, grief, frustration, anger and fear. But I need not let them paralyze me. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. ... He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. ... Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever" (Psalm 23).
Even when I recite the 23rd Psalm in my head, I hear music -- the sweet music of life that flows from faith, family, friendship and spirit. May I never cease to seek it and share it -- and give the glory to God.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Experience, remember, smile and thank God
It's my self-imposed blog-posting deadline, but none of the things I'd hoped to write about are ready. I smile to think of the family reunion in Texas; the bunny in my neighbor's backyard; my continued and growing awareness that attitude really is important and that each person can control his or her attitude; the amazing grace and camaraderie that keeps occurring at work in difficult circumstances; and so many more things. Many things make me smile right now, and I'm grateful for that. I want to write about them, but I guess it's not time yet. For now, I just experience, remember and smile. I thank God for His mercy, love and grace that blesses me daily. I pray to know how to return these blessings to His glory.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Freedom to be
Psalmcat 51:7.4.10
For weeks, a recurring theme that has come up in places such as my 12-step meetings, Sunday school and Bible study has to do with being the best versus being my best. And today, when the Fourth of July with its focus on freedom comes on a Sunday, I must exercise what I see as my responsibility to write about it! My prayer is to keep it short and simple so I can go forth and serve (or at least celebrate)!
I've listened as people talked about what seems to be the norm: the desire to be THE best. For many years, that was me. Whether it was to be the best student, the best majorette, the best singer, the best writer, the best daughter, the best friend -- being the best was the goal. Of course, only one person can be THE best, so that was a sure-fire formula for disappointment and disillusionment. And after a fair amount of success through high school, a world of disappointment and disillusionment is where I found myself for many years.
In the interest of trying to keep this fairly short and quick, I won't go into details of all those years and the long road out of that world. But these recent discussions have reminded me of principles and beliefs I hold onto today that keep me from going back to that place.
I guess the most basic and essential change is that, as I've become a regular reader of God's Word, I've been convinced that God created me; He proclaimed me good (despite all of what I see as my shortcomings, weaknesses, failures, mistakes and imperfections, etc.) and He loves me so much that even if I were the only person on Earth in need of salvation, He would have sent His son to die for me so that I could live with Him forever. I'm not sure when I truly began to believe that. But I know it came as a result of being around people who have loved me forever (my parents, relatives, church family, dear friends) and people who I've met along the way, even in the worst years, who saw good in me and offered love, acceptance and understanding. Eventually, out of deep personal need, I embraced that God's love is the source of all that love. And I guess that's when I started wanting to know God better, so I started reading the Bible. Not surprisingly, before I started reading the Bible regularly, I knew more about God from what other people said than from what God Himself said. No wonder I was so confused!!!!
I'm still confused a lot of the time, but it's easier for me to come back to those basics. Another of those basics for me is that God's not asking me to be the best. He wants me to be my best -- the best at what He created me to be. I think it was a couple of weeks ago during Sunday school that I realized that's at least a two-part deal. First, I have to seek to know what God is calling me to do and be. And then I have to do it, which often requires overcoming fear (of failure, of being overwhelmed, of being ridiculed or embarrassed, possibly of even being viewed as vain or childish), procrastination, and lack of necessarily knowledge, skill or resources. I think some of the results of that search have been more regular Sunday school attendance; commitment to attending a midweek prayer time; a better attitude at work even when circumstances seem impossible; sharing my heart and journey on my blog; and most recently, recording beloved songs and posting them on youtube.
I can tell you this for sure: If I thought I had to be the best, I would not be blogging or recording things and putting them on youtube. The blog and the recordings are living examples that, for me in certain areas including these, the call is to just do it. I'm free to resist that call, but I've found that the blessing comes from doing it. With the songs, my focus is on the beautiful words and melodies, not the singer. As for the blog, I still don't know. It's something about the spirit's call to my heart: Sweet music of life -- To hear it! To share it! Maybe I fear that if I don't share it, I'll quit hearing it. And God knows I never want to quit hearing that beautiful sound!
For weeks, a recurring theme that has come up in places such as my 12-step meetings, Sunday school and Bible study has to do with being the best versus being my best. And today, when the Fourth of July with its focus on freedom comes on a Sunday, I must exercise what I see as my responsibility to write about it! My prayer is to keep it short and simple so I can go forth and serve (or at least celebrate)!
I've listened as people talked about what seems to be the norm: the desire to be THE best. For many years, that was me. Whether it was to be the best student, the best majorette, the best singer, the best writer, the best daughter, the best friend -- being the best was the goal. Of course, only one person can be THE best, so that was a sure-fire formula for disappointment and disillusionment. And after a fair amount of success through high school, a world of disappointment and disillusionment is where I found myself for many years.
In the interest of trying to keep this fairly short and quick, I won't go into details of all those years and the long road out of that world. But these recent discussions have reminded me of principles and beliefs I hold onto today that keep me from going back to that place.
I guess the most basic and essential change is that, as I've become a regular reader of God's Word, I've been convinced that God created me; He proclaimed me good (despite all of what I see as my shortcomings, weaknesses, failures, mistakes and imperfections, etc.) and He loves me so much that even if I were the only person on Earth in need of salvation, He would have sent His son to die for me so that I could live with Him forever. I'm not sure when I truly began to believe that. But I know it came as a result of being around people who have loved me forever (my parents, relatives, church family, dear friends) and people who I've met along the way, even in the worst years, who saw good in me and offered love, acceptance and understanding. Eventually, out of deep personal need, I embraced that God's love is the source of all that love. And I guess that's when I started wanting to know God better, so I started reading the Bible. Not surprisingly, before I started reading the Bible regularly, I knew more about God from what other people said than from what God Himself said. No wonder I was so confused!!!!
I'm still confused a lot of the time, but it's easier for me to come back to those basics. Another of those basics for me is that God's not asking me to be the best. He wants me to be my best -- the best at what He created me to be. I think it was a couple of weeks ago during Sunday school that I realized that's at least a two-part deal. First, I have to seek to know what God is calling me to do and be. And then I have to do it, which often requires overcoming fear (of failure, of being overwhelmed, of being ridiculed or embarrassed, possibly of even being viewed as vain or childish), procrastination, and lack of necessarily knowledge, skill or resources. I think some of the results of that search have been more regular Sunday school attendance; commitment to attending a midweek prayer time; a better attitude at work even when circumstances seem impossible; sharing my heart and journey on my blog; and most recently, recording beloved songs and posting them on youtube.
I can tell you this for sure: If I thought I had to be the best, I would not be blogging or recording things and putting them on youtube. The blog and the recordings are living examples that, for me in certain areas including these, the call is to just do it. I'm free to resist that call, but I've found that the blessing comes from doing it. With the songs, my focus is on the beautiful words and melodies, not the singer. As for the blog, I still don't know. It's something about the spirit's call to my heart: Sweet music of life -- To hear it! To share it! Maybe I fear that if I don't share it, I'll quit hearing it. And God knows I never want to quit hearing that beautiful sound!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Grateful and blessed
Wow! That week went nothing like planned. For the first time in years, I actually finished my Christmas shopping, getting something for everyone on my list (except one person) by 10:15 p.m. Dec. 23. (And I stumbled across the perfect gift for that person while dining together Christmas Eve and was able to make the purchase!)
As I was finishing up my shopping and growing in my sense of accomplishment, I was also growing anxious about the weather and whether these gifts would make it to their recipients. Was it possible I would have the gifts to give, but miss the best gift of all, which is seeing my family to whom I wanted to give gifts? Yes, it was highly possible, as it turned out.
I don't know how to adequately thank my boss and the people I work most closely with for making it possible for me not to have to try to drive 25 miles north from Norman to north Oklahoma City by myself in my Mustang in the sleet on Christmas Eve morning. I know it was a very busy day and difficult for all of them, workwise and travelwise. But I am convinced that, had I tried it, I would have been one of the many people stuck along the way who had to be rescued, either on the way to work (that's what I think) or on the way home. And if Gene and I would have waited any longer to head south to Texas, I don't think we would have made it. Even leaving at 12:30 p.m., those first 15 miles were treacherous enough that if I had been by myself, I would have tried to turn back. (And I probably would have ended up getting stuck in the process.)
As it turned out, we were finally able to make it to McKinney Thursday evening to spend Christmas Eve and much of Christmas Day with Gene's sister and her son. And then we were able to head to Mom and Dad's house west of Gainesville while my brother and his family from Arkansas were still there. Then we stayed with another sister west of Muenster, where more of the family arrived to celebrate on Saturday. I ended up getting to see everyone except one sister (who lives near the homeplace but had to work), a niece, a newlywed nephew and his wife, a newlywed niece and her husband and the fiancee of another nephew.
And although I didn't get to go to Christmas Eve worship, and I chose one more meal with family members over going to worship this morning, I went to Sunday school with Mom, and it's such a great class and lesson that I felt like I'd been to church.
Now we're back home in Norman. Our kitty was glad to see us; she was safe and sound. Gene shoveled the driveway and we ventured out again to Walmart, which surprisingly had not done a very good job of clearing its parking lot. I guess they saw no need to do better, since people were flocking in anyway!
There's so much more I could write, but I have things to do (including pet my kitty some more) before I head to work tomorrow. But I wanted to write this bit while it's fresh in my mind. I'm pretty sure I'll add to it and maybe even post some pictures.
I will add right now that even though, without the Christmas Eve service, some of the "reason for the season" focus of Christmas wasn't felt as clearly, I probably prayed more than I ever have during that drive from Norman to McKinney. And I'm really glad Mom went to Sunday school this morning and I could go, too. I just see more evidence every day that God wants me to put Him first -- to seek to know and do His will and NEVER to forget or ignore Him. It doesn't mean I have to spend all my time at church or reading the Bible or praying or forcing people to sing carols and read the Christmas story from the Bible when we're together. But it does mean that the time I spend in those ways will be rewarded and blessed, and that it will equip me to know how to live the rest of the moments to their fullest.
For all these reasons and so many more, I am grateful and blessed!
As I was finishing up my shopping and growing in my sense of accomplishment, I was also growing anxious about the weather and whether these gifts would make it to their recipients. Was it possible I would have the gifts to give, but miss the best gift of all, which is seeing my family to whom I wanted to give gifts? Yes, it was highly possible, as it turned out.
I don't know how to adequately thank my boss and the people I work most closely with for making it possible for me not to have to try to drive 25 miles north from Norman to north Oklahoma City by myself in my Mustang in the sleet on Christmas Eve morning. I know it was a very busy day and difficult for all of them, workwise and travelwise. But I am convinced that, had I tried it, I would have been one of the many people stuck along the way who had to be rescued, either on the way to work (that's what I think) or on the way home. And if Gene and I would have waited any longer to head south to Texas, I don't think we would have made it. Even leaving at 12:30 p.m., those first 15 miles were treacherous enough that if I had been by myself, I would have tried to turn back. (And I probably would have ended up getting stuck in the process.)
As it turned out, we were finally able to make it to McKinney Thursday evening to spend Christmas Eve and much of Christmas Day with Gene's sister and her son. And then we were able to head to Mom and Dad's house west of Gainesville while my brother and his family from Arkansas were still there. Then we stayed with another sister west of Muenster, where more of the family arrived to celebrate on Saturday. I ended up getting to see everyone except one sister (who lives near the homeplace but had to work), a niece, a newlywed nephew and his wife, a newlywed niece and her husband and the fiancee of another nephew.
And although I didn't get to go to Christmas Eve worship, and I chose one more meal with family members over going to worship this morning, I went to Sunday school with Mom, and it's such a great class and lesson that I felt like I'd been to church.
Now we're back home in Norman. Our kitty was glad to see us; she was safe and sound. Gene shoveled the driveway and we ventured out again to Walmart, which surprisingly had not done a very good job of clearing its parking lot. I guess they saw no need to do better, since people were flocking in anyway!
There's so much more I could write, but I have things to do (including pet my kitty some more) before I head to work tomorrow. But I wanted to write this bit while it's fresh in my mind. I'm pretty sure I'll add to it and maybe even post some pictures.
I will add right now that even though, without the Christmas Eve service, some of the "reason for the season" focus of Christmas wasn't felt as clearly, I probably prayed more than I ever have during that drive from Norman to McKinney. And I'm really glad Mom went to Sunday school this morning and I could go, too. I just see more evidence every day that God wants me to put Him first -- to seek to know and do His will and NEVER to forget or ignore Him. It doesn't mean I have to spend all my time at church or reading the Bible or praying or forcing people to sing carols and read the Christmas story from the Bible when we're together. But it does mean that the time I spend in those ways will be rewarded and blessed, and that it will equip me to know how to live the rest of the moments to their fullest.
For all these reasons and so many more, I am grateful and blessed!
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