Reflections on February (Courtesy of Leap Day)

The quadrenniel bonus day was good, and it gives me a chance to reflect on February before March arrives.

The email I get each weekday from the Denison Forum included this insight today that fits where I am: Why did Moses want the people to enter Canaan without first exploring the land? Could it be that God's best tomorrow is one we could never understand today? Warren Buffett noted that in business, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield. It is the same with the life of faith--if you look back at all the ways God has provided for you, and you believe that his character does not change, you'll be encouraged to trust him for all you need today. I have a lot of room to grow but am experiencing this in my life.

I see more blessings looking back at February than I was aware of while living it. But I did know of some along the way. Among the highlights:

-- My great-niece Madison Jean's baptism/christening brought together a lot of generations of families and also a lot of shared heritage at the church where my parents brought up me and my siblings, and where now some of the nieces and nephews and their kids also are members. The church will celebrate its 125th anniversary this fall, and I just feel grateful and blessed to still have such strong ties to the church as well as to my family. Not all people have that as they move on in their lives.

-- My closest associate at work gave her two-weeks' notice Feb. 3, and among the staffing changes after her departure is that I am no longer in a rotation where I work days every third month. Now my shift is until midnight except Wednesdays. It seems like that should actually make it easier for me to get a steady routine going, but I've felt a tiredness this month that I didn't notice when I had the hope of the day shift in a couple of months. Or maybe the tiredness comes from adjusting to other changes. (Or maybe it's still some winter blues.) Change is always challenging for me. But by keeping a daily discipline that starts with prayer and meditation, I have thus far come through better than I could have imagined. And to top it off, after going almost the whole month without writing a catchy headline, I came up with one last Friday that won a prize among my peers: Pennies on roadway are not heaven-cent. (It was on a series of photos about the mess from an armored car losing thousands of pennies on a Tulsa highway.)

-- I see signs of progress in relationships. So far, I'm keeping in touch with my friend who left work. I also managed to connect with other old friends from work and the Oklahoma City Gridiron Club when I attended their annual political satire/spoof last weekend. I miss being in that show, but I had a great time being entertained, visiting and also helping the club out by being an usher. Building and maintaining friendships continues to be difficult for me. I'm grateful for any signs of progress.

-- And then there was the cat. I came home late after a Thursday (Feb. 17) at work and noticed Bridget had started to do her squat-and-pee-on-the-carpet routine, which I knew meant she probably had a urinary tract infection. And that means a trip to the vet, and then having to give the cat pills. None of that ever goes well, and I was filled with dread. I just wanted to cry, and I'm pretty sure I did. But I also prayed, and finally called the vet Friday morning. They said to bring her in, so I did. She stayed overnight and the UTI was confirmed. But there was also concern about elevated glucose in her urine and the possibility she might have diabetes. So they kept her over the weekend for more tests. There is some confirmed diabetes in her farm cat heritage, so of course I spent the weekend preparing myself for the worst even as I hoped and prayed for the best. I dreaded hearing the news. But it turned out good: No diabetes. Whew. We just had to give her the pill for her infection for eight more days after I brought her home. The first three days, Gene was able to do it, but then he went on a trip, and I was on my own. I have never been able to give my sweet kitty a pill, and sometimes Gene and I have failed as a team. But somehow, he succeeded on his three days, and I did on mine. A very good decision I made at the vet clinic, without realizing its significance at the time, was to have them trim Bridget's nails while she was there. I think that may have given us the edge in the pill pursuit. I know I also prayed a lot along the way. God knows my heart when it comes to my little girl. I love her. I see her as a gift from God. And I know she is a cat. I'm just grateful she seems healthy again, back to eating, pooping, peeing and wanting to play (but also still enjoying laptime, naptime and prayertime -- and she never stopped purring!).

-- I had several projects I wanted to get done while Gene was gone. He'll be back tomorrow -- and I didn't finish any of it. All of my Scriptures and devotionals this month have encouraged me to not worry about that stuff and just focus on how much God loves me. But as I said at my 12-step meeting today, the husband doesn't seem to be as understanding as the Higher Power on such matters. I guess I have a few more hours to see how this plays out. (I will continue to pray -- and work.) I also pray he returns refreshed, rested and healthy, but is that ever the case after traveling on business?

-- I learned that a popular teacher who taught me and all my siblings in high school had a heart attack Friday and died as he was being prepared for surgery. He was 69. That seems too young to be gone. But Davy Jones of the Monkees also died of a heart attack today, and he was 66. These are reminders to be live each day to the fullest.

-- Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday were in there, too. And there was some snowfall overnight Feb. 12. Suffice it to say, I survived!

I'm grateful for another month that, even though it often seemed tiring and difficult as I was living it, was clearly a gift from God. Each day is. I want to continue to live in the light of His presence and grow into His likeness.

Finding peace in the present amid thoughts of past, future

All of my spiritual devotionals point me to Scriptures that remind me of the importance of living in this moment and not getting caught up in the past or the future. And I have learned the value from experience. But it's still hard to do.

In the past week, two things in particular have tempted my mind to wander back or ahead. The first was to learn that the person who has become my best friend and most trusted colleague at work has given her two-weeks' notice. Her last day will be Friday. In the past year especially, but also for quite a while before that, she has been a rock in helping me learn and grow at work as well as in life. She's helped me not give up trying to achieve high standards when they don't seem to matter any more, and we've shared many a conversation about our families, interests, dreams, goals and cats. I am so happy for her and excited about the step she is taking. Many things of where I am personally and at work tell me that this will be a good a time for me to make some changes even as I stay at the job.

So, I am trying to stay focused on the positive things in the future for my friend and for me. But I find myself having to fight off distracting thoughts, such as:
-- where I am after what will be 30 years at my job if I make it to September (I've been a reporter, assistant department editor and religion editor, among other things, but sometimes now I think of myself as "just a copy editor," although I strive to be the best I can and do think the job is very important);
-- how inadequate I seem at developing and maintaining lasting friendships, at work or anywhere else (I have lots of people whom I care about and they care about me, but none that I ever just hang out with for a meal, shopping or a movie);
-- whenever someone as good at her job as my friend leaves, it's harder than some people admit to fill that void. So, at least for the short term, things will be more hectic than ever. And because of the roles she filled, it's possible there will be changes ahead in how things are done, and that's always stressful for me.

So, again, I've been working hard to keep those stressful thoughts at bay and to focus on my trust in God to show me the way in whatever is ahead. By faith, I can be open to change and confident that God will not only equip me for the work but also give me His peace and presence. And with that, I pray, will come a positive, cheerful, grateful attitude.

The second bit of information in the past week that has teased my mind to wander is learning that Whaley Memorial United Methodist Church, the church I grew up in and have maintained ties to, is having its 125th anniversary this year. The timing is interesting as I've become constantly more aware in recent years of how much that church means to me. I blogged about it just last weekend. For some reason, the big anniversary year gives me a sense of urgency to not miss the chance to be a part. One of the things I realized is that I don't even remember being aware of the church's centennial, even though I was married at the church five years earlier and have always attended at least a few times each year when my husband and I visited our parents. (I would have been 28 at the time of that anniversary.) It also brings a few troubling thoughts about why I don't feel more at home at the church where I am a member now. Maybe it's because the reason I feel so much a part of Whaley is my family, and I don't have that as much where I am a member now; it's just me and occasionally my husband -- no connection to grandparents, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews or children of my own there. As with work, I have many people there whom I care love and care about, and they love and care about me. But that same character weakness or whatever that keeps me from really having friendships elsewhere is very present in my church relationships.

Anyway, both of these exciting things have piqued my interest this week. That't not bad in itself. Much of the thinking has been productive and positive. But I have to be vigilant not to get lost in the thoughts of the past or future, especially if those thoughts bring anxiety or regret. Only in the present -- God's presence -- do I find peace and the wisdom to know and the power to do His will.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye." Psalm 32:8

"The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace." Psalm 29:11

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." Psalm 46:1-2

Savoring the Spirit of Aggieland -- and more

A quick wedding anniversary/football weekend trip to College Station and Texas A&M University brought many smiles, rekindled memories and renewed hope.

Few eras of my life are marked by vivid, precise, detailed memories, and that includes my college years. I can't think of any friendships that I made during college that have endured and grown. My strongest relationships I have tied to Aggieland are people I knew before I attended school there or that I met since I graduated.

Except for Gene. I grew up on a family farm just nine miles from Gene's family's farm, and our families attended the same church, but Gene and I, three years apart in age and attending different public schools, didn't meet until we were more than 200 miles from Cooke County at Texas A&M. We met near the end of my first semester, at a Cooke County hometown club party at the apartment complex where I lived. The next I remember of Gene was when he recognized me in the Geology classroom at the start of the spring semester. By the end of the semester, we were dating. And as best I recall, I guess we've been in a relationship ever since. I can't think of a time we ever broke up, which is really kind of amazing, because we are so different in many ways. (That's a whole other blog post -- or several.)

Even as we walked around campus before Midnight Yell Practice on Saturday and then before the game on Sunday, I'm sure we both were aware of our different styles. But something about that east-central Texas air and especially the sound of the Fighting Texas Aggie Band and a mass of Aggies doing tradition yells just pushed the differences aside and drew us together like twentysomethings.

Spending a few hours at the George Bush Presidential Library, with its prevalent themes of family, faith, service and integrity, fit right in with the spirit of the weekend.

We've been back home and now at work a couple of days, and I can see how easy it is to fall back into old patterns, partly because of work schedules but also just from our own set ways. I don't want that to happen. This can be different. This can still be fun. What can I do to make it happen? I know I'm supposed to live one day at a time, but I don't think it's too early to start planning for Sept. 4, 2012. What can I do today to make the 30th anniversary even better than the 29th (or the 25th -- celebrating at Alcatraz was especially memorable!)? I think it really does come down to how I live each day. In the rush of things, I don't always find quality time for Gene, even on the days when our schedules would allow it. I will work to improve that.

The decision to go to the A&M vs. SMU game, which happened to be on our anniversary, was made less than a week before we left. That's pretty spontaneous for us. Everything costs twice as much when you wait that late to commit. But I'm glad we did it. It reminded me of a few more of the blessings I sometimes take for granted -- and reminded me that the best ways to experience blessings and feel joy and gratitude are to share them. And of course, I must always do so in an attitude of humble gratitude and praise to God.

Sweet music of September: Back-to-school songs

I wanted to sleep until 9 this Saturday morning, but I awoke by 7:45, my mind racing. After getting up briefly, I petted the kitty at the edge of the bed, pulled up the covers and tried to settle back in to sleep. About 10 minutes later, I could tell I might as well get up. The mind would not relent.

The thoughts aren't worry, dread or fear; it's more like I'm incessantly trying to figure things out: How to share what's in my heart without boring or preaching. How to express my concerns without sounding like I'm worrying. How to know what is the right next thing to do in my home life, my relationships, my activities -- with family, friends, at work, church, in fellowship and at play. How to be part of the solution instead of the problem in all of these areas. How to reflect God's glory in all aspects of my life, including relationships and work.

These are the triggers to the most recent round of thoughts:
-- Realizing before I left work yesterday that I face three to four weeks in a row of my less-desirable work schedule, which includes tasks and circumstances I'm not as skilled at and comfortable in dealing with. I said aloud that I want to figure out how to approach this positively, confidently, productively and effectively.
-- Realizing I don't know how to express to my siblings some things I think they may be missing as our parents grow older and face health issues.

One of my biggest worries or fears is that I'll come across as too intense (my behavior was once described as offputting by a superviser at work), a know-it-all, a busybody or meddler. But I know that some of my most valuable lessons have come from finally listening to things I didn't want to hear. Others have come from watching people and learning from their experiences (in this case, seeing four close co-workers and two friends, all about my age, go through the death of a parent or spouse, sometimes unexpectedly and other times gradually, with varying amounts of suffering and angst). And one of the things I've learned is that I don't just assume I or others are "getting it." Sometimes the thing that should be obvious is obscure. I usually don't like it when people point out what I'm missing or any of my weaknesses, but most of the time I end up being grateful.

What does any of this have to do with "back-to-school songs"? Well, Mom posted on Facebook last night that she and Daddy went to the high school football game. I followed her post with lots of questions, ending with this one: "Don't you love having a kid who's a journalist, full of questions?" (This was after I had sent at least one question-filled e-mail earlier in the week.) Mom's response to the final question: "Questions are how we learn."

I believe that. Questions and discussion -- communication -- are a big part of how I learn. Experience is essential, too, but I learn so much about life and myself and others through conversation. I pray to continue to strive to not be overbearing or offputting but to also not be afraid to communicate, especially with family and friends. That is something I've learned since I've graduated from formal schooling. May I never quit learning in the school of life.