I've fallen into a rut, and I do not like it, but I'm having a hard time getting out. I'm not sure I'm even trying. I tell myself I want out of the rut -- that I want things to change -- but I'm not really doing anything to make that happen. In fact, that's the essence of the rut: too much thinking and not enough action. So here I go again, writing about my thoughts instead of taking action!
Where to begin?
My dad has cancer. The tumor was found in a routine X-ray Aug. 11. After many tests, the cancer diagnosis came Sept. 9. So far, this experience seems amazingly positive: the family pulling together, witnessing the indomitable spirit of my dad and my mom, taking time to express our love and count our blessings. And truth be told, Daddy's not any closer to dying than he was before we knew he had cancer. That first X-ray wasn't a result of a cancer symptom; it was just a routine check. And aren't we all dying anyway? BUT -- the thing that seems to be true is that even though I know all of this and see so many blessings and so much to be grateful for, there is a deep inner part of me that is grieving, protesting, fighting the realities of aging and eventual loss. And the exhaustion makes its way to the surface.
My job. Circumstances seem to make it impossible to do good work with good results, and many people seem to have accepted that and just do what they can. I've not reached that point yet. For now, the process of trying to do the best I can and not worry about the results is exhausting. And, unfortunately, I carry it with me when I leave the office.
Personal life. What a mess I am. Messy purse. Messy house. Messy car. Messy desk. Disarray. Dust. Cat hair. And now ants! Missed opportunities. Lost treasures. Wasted moments. Lack of attention to important relationships. Easily distracted by football, baseball, television, the computer and even the newspaper.
My spirit is weary.
The positives outweigh the negatives by so much that I feel somewhat ashamed or embarrassed to even write about the negatives. But a constant that stays with me as I continue reading the Bible and praying to know and do God's will is that He seems to be calling me to write about this stuff. It may seem pointless and ineffective. But I think of the guy in the Bible who was told to wash himself seven times, and the ones who were told to march around Jericho a certain number of times, and even Noah building that ark. They probably thought those instructions seemed pretty pointless, too. But God rewarded their faith. And how did God know their faith? Through their obedience. And so I speak and express and write and "publish." I sing and sometimes upload songs on YouTube. I don't shy away from negative realities at work and in other areas of life, but I try to address them in search of solutions. And even as I do that, I try to let go and let God.
At the end of another day, I'm reminded that life is good. I hope to find words soon to share some of the specific things that happened today that reminded me of the goodness of life and the greatness of God. Until then, I'll leave it with a Scripture verse.
Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23