Monday, October 30, 2017

Milestones and moving on

It's now six years since my Dad died. This year my awareness of the approach of that anniversary on Oct. 30 came as I was feeling excited about my Mom's move from the family farm to an apartment in town.

It is an exciting transition on many levels, and I'm grateful for how things have fallen into place, with much forethought from Mom and effort from her and several of her daughters and extended family members.

I have so much more to write and likely will add here, but for now, I just want to say: I think Daddy would be proud!

May we continue to thank God and give Him the glory for the blessings with which He has gifted our family.

Transcendent peace

Thinking back through the past week, the important theme was God’s gift of peace. I asked and received God’s peace that transcended circumstances that in the past with have paralyzed me with stress, anxiety and frustration.


(This came to mind as I was rereading last week’s blog post about the broken refrigerator and thawing food and came to the part about the Lowe’s guy telling me Walmart always has dry ice, even though I had just been assured by the Walmart guy that the store DID NOT have dry ice! What a gift to realize I didn’t have to argue with that person or try to set him straight. I could just go on to the next store!)

Throughout that day and on through the week I continued to receive unexpected blessings through opportunities that came about because of my desire to get rid of the food without wasting it.

On Sunday it was the joy of being able to donate to a community food provider. Monday, a friend responded to one of my Facebook posts about having food to give away. She said they would love to have some. It was a joy to plan a meeting with her and granddaughters and to spend time talking and laughing together.

Just as much of an unexpected blessing came earlier on Monday when another friend responded to my post by saying she wished she had known my dilemma, because she had AN EMPTY DEEP FREEZER IN HER GARAGE (just down the street from me) that she said I could have used.

She: What happened? Wish I'd known--I have an empty deep freezer in the garage you could use!!

Me: Wow, Harriet! I thought about checking with you, but just figured it would be another dead-end. I need to quiet that voice and just call! Fortunately, I've been able to donate most everything, although I did throw out a few things. What happened is just that the old refrigerator finally quit working and isn't worth repairing. I concluded God just had other uses for this food -- plus a little exercise in compassion and generosity for me!


In the past, the timing of learning that would have sent me into a negative spiral as I second-guessed whether I acted too hastily in donating the food; and why didn't I think to check with Harriet; and why couldn't she have responded 24 hours earlier; and on and on. But instead, I was able to continue to focus on the good that had happened. I remained grateful that I was able to donate much of the food to a shelter and would be giving most of what remained to a friend and her family. I continued to give God the glory and praise for each positive development. But I was also aware that a seed of second-guessing seemed to have taken root. Help me, Lord.

SO --- did I act too hastily? I don't think I did. I think God opened my eyes to an exercise in compassion and doing that right thing. What would a person like the person I want to be do? That's a good way to think of it.

My husband had reminded me that his sister had a working refrigerator in her garage that she had intended to sell on Craig's list. I had called our repair man earlier Monday and found out a repair was possible, for about $250 with a part that could be obtained by midweek. But I wasn't crazy about spending even that small amount to repair a 33-year-old appliance, so I preferred the idea of getting Mae's that was about 15 years old. But when I called her that night, she told me it has quit running sometime, and she wasn't sure why. But she said she would try to figure out what was wrong and let me know.

I guess even with the transcendent peace I had experienced, the stress and exhaustion of the two days had caught up with me, and her news left me feeling beaten. For the first time, I took some solace in extra food, which just added to my feeling of being defeated. Fortunately, rather than stay in that posture, I was again able to turn to prayer and realize I was not a failure and that the same gift of God's peace, presence and love that has sustained me thus far would continue to do so. I might feel physical consequences of the excess food, but there was no need for me to pile on self-loathing or condemnation.


Tuesday morning's devotionals reinforced the message of my prayers. From First 15: Your thought-life can either be a place of peace and life or a source of immense internal struggle and despair. It’s our thoughts that the enemy tries to affect with half-truths and outright lies. It’s our thoughts that are the gateway to our emotions and actions. And it’s our thoughts our loving heavenly Father longs to influence, redeem, and renew that we might experience everlasting peace.

Also from the devotional: Isaiah 26:3 says, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Do you long for perfect peace today? Do you long to keep your mind stayed on the inexpressible excellencies of Jesus? It all starts with trust. When we allow our minds to stray into worry, doubt, fear, reservation, and lies, it is because we don’t trust that God is who he says he is or that he will do what he says he’ll do.


(My thought: I trust God. I don't trust me. But I keep reading ....)

All of the rest of this is from the devotional, which I've copied here as a reminder to me. The parenthetical comments are my observations, and I used boldface and underlining to emphasize some points from the text by Craig Denison.

If we truly trusted God with our relationships, we wouldn’t spend so much energy mulling over conversations that could have been better or different. If we truly trusted God as the perfect provider of our finances and possessions, we wouldn’t spend so much time overwhelming ourselves with all the different financial opportunities available, or not available, to us. If we truly trusted God with our futures, we wouldn’t devote so much of our minds to playing out every scenario that could possibly happen. And if we truly trusted God that we are loved, liked, enjoyable, and wholly found, we wouldn’t spend so much time thinking of ways we can impress others, work our way into a clique, make others laugh, or win the affections of another.

Romans 8:6 says, “For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” Where you set your mind today is your decision. The Spirit is fully available, ready and willing to lead you to abounding joy and peace. And the enemy is prowling like a lion seeking to devour your thoughts that they might breed emotional and even physical death (1 Peter 5:8).

There is a battle for your thoughts happening every moment. But greater is he who is in you than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4).  

God has a perfect plan to lead you away from thoughts that plague you into life and joy in the Holy Spirit.  

Trust him as your good and loving Father. 

Trust that he is always with you.  

Place your faith wholeheartedly in him because he is perfectly faithful and able.  

He has plans for an incredible hope and future for you if you will simply trust him and set your mind on him as often and as passionately as you can. May you find peace today in your thoughts through a powerful revelation of God’s abiding love.


“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3


“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2


“For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:6



2. What thoughts plague you the most? What thoughts steal the peace available to you through trusting God? (trying to figure out what to do. trying to even know what God's will is for me. thinking I have it figured out and sometimes even doing it, and then having second thoughts and self-doubt. I'm also troubled by thoughts regarding what to do about my eyes, my teeth, my messes, my selfishness, my lack of time management that keeps me from serving others, and on and on.)

“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” Colossians 3:1-2



3. Place your trust fully in God today for whatever specifically troubles you and receive the peace that comes from setting your mind on your good and loving heavenly Father.


“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5


“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.” Psalm 37:4-6


“The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.” Psalm 28:7

("Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart ..." Lord, I just want to know and do Your will and give You the glory.)



Psalm 37 English Standard Version

He Will Not Forsake His Saints

[a] Of David.

37 Fret not yourself because of evildoers;
    be not envious of wrongdoers!
For they will soon fade like the grass
    and wither like the green herb.
Trust in the Lord, and do good;
    dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.[b]
Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
    and your justice as the noonday.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
    fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
    over the man who carries out evil devices!
Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
    Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
For the evildoers shall be cut off,
    but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.
10 In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;
    though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.
11 But the meek shall inherit the land
    and delight themselves in abundant peace.
12 The wicked plots against the righteous
    and gnashes his teeth at him,
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
    for he sees that his day is coming.
14 The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows
    to bring down the poor and needy,
    to slay those whose way is upright;
15 their sword shall enter their own heart,
    and their bows shall be broken.
16 Better is the little that the righteous has
    than the abundance of many wicked.
17 For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,
    but the Lord upholds the righteous.
18 The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
    and their heritage will remain forever;
19 they are not put to shame in evil times;
    in the days of famine they have abundance.
20 But the wicked will perish;
    the enemies of the Lord are like the glory of the pastures;
    they vanish—like smoke they vanish away.
21 The wicked borrows but does not pay back,
    but the righteous is generous and gives;
22 for those blessed by the Lord[c] shall inherit the land,
    but those cursed by him shall be cut off.
23 The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
    when he delights in his way;
24 though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
    for the Lord upholds his hand.
25 I have been young, and now am old,
    yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
    or his children begging for bread.
26 He is ever lending generously,
    and his children become a blessing.
27 Turn away from evil and do good;
    so shall you dwell forever.
28 For the Lord loves justice;
    he will not forsake his saints.
They are preserved forever,
    but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.
29 The righteous shall inherit the land
    and dwell upon it forever.
30 The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,
    and his tongue speaks justice.
31 The law of his God is in his heart;
    his steps do not slip.
32 The wicked watches for the righteous
    and seeks to put him to death.
33 The Lord will not abandon him to his power
    or let him be condemned when he is brought to trial.
34 Wait for the Lord and keep his way,
    and he will exalt you to inherit the land;
    you will look on when the wicked are cut off.
35 I have seen a wicked, ruthless man,
    spreading himself like a green laurel tree.[d]
36 But he passed away,[e] and behold, he was no more;
    though I sought him, he could not be found.
37 Mark the blameless and behold the upright,
    for there is a future for the man of peace.
38 But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed;
    the future of the wicked shall be cut off.
39 The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
    he is their stronghold in the time of trouble.
40 The Lord helps them and delivers them;
    he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
    because they take refuge in him.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

All and none

It’s not a good morning when you get the blueberries for your yogurt out of the freezer and they are already thawed. I'm not sure what happened to my refrigerator overnight, but it wasn't working this morning. It may have been related to the storm that passed through Norman before bedtime, but even though a tornado touched down a few miles from here and we had some bright lightning and loud thunder, the lights never even flickered and none of the clocks reset. So I really think this old refrigerator just gave out. (How old, you may wonder? I'm unsure whether I should be proud or embarrassed, so I'm just sticking with "old" for now.)

Regardless of the cause, after praying for a calm spirit (peace), wisdom and direction, I quickly determined it wasn't anything I could quickly fix or reset. So, even as I continued getting ready for church, my focus switched to figuring out what to do with all this thawing food. My first priority was to find a way to stop the thawing and preserve or restore as much cold as possible. I tried to call my husband, who was out of town, to discuss the matter, but I couldn't reach him. So I make a half-joking Facebook post about the situation, ending with: Seriously, though, if you want some thawing fish, chicken, meatloaf, TV dinners or any number of other foods, might as well come and get it!

After reaching my husband, I headed out in search of dry ice. I went first to Walmart, which didn't have it, but the employee said Lowe's or Home Depot probably would. So I headed across the street to Lowe's, and the guy said the store didn't have dry ice, but I could get it at Walmart. I said, no, Walmart sent me here. He said Walmart always has it. OK. Whatever. I headed back to my car and made a quick update to my Facebook post, before  searching online for sources of dry ice. (Yes, I should have searched online first.) About the same time I hit on Homeland, that's the suggestion I got on Facebook. I called the store, I learned I could get dry ice there, and I was on my way again!

By the time I got the dry ice, I knew it would be too late to make it to church. I headed home and started packing coolers, still knowing I needed to find someone who could use this good food without having to refreeze it.

No one took me up on my sincere invitations on Facebook for people to come and dine with me. I looked up local shelters and food pantries, but most were closed, and no one answered at the ones I tried to call. Even with the dry ice, I didn't feel confident about keeping the food safe until Monday.

I went through the what-is-wrong-with-me self-talk, about how probably most people would just start cooking and take things to their neighbors or their homebound friends or those in need, or would somehow just know what to do, while I just know all the reasons why I don't do any of those things.

As usual, I had prayed at the start of this situation and had continued to along the way. I stayed calm and hopeful, managing not to stress out or panic. But about 3 p.m., I started to have a sick feeling that I wasn't going to find a  place for the food and that it would go to waste. And even though part of my calm had resulted from realizing -- and, I thought, accepting -- from the start that it was possible everything would go to waste and that would truly be OK, I knew I would feel guilty, ashamed and like a failure if it did.

So I prayed a little more fervently, writing the words to help me focus.

Lord, who can I call? This is when I feel so inept. Who can use this food before it spoils? And Lord, I pray that it not spoil. Help me know what to do to preserve as much of it as possible.

I pray for wisdom, intuition, courage or whatever You can provide to know what to do and where to begin. 

I know it's going to be OK. At worst, everything spoils.

But what a shame that would be. I'd feel very guilty/ashamed ....

My mind started to wander from prayer to wondering about the source of that guilt and shame ...

And the next thing I knew, I had an idea of what to do with the food.  One of the possibilities on my list of things to do Sunday afternoon had included the Cleveland County CROP Walk, which raises money and awareness for those in need of food. I had pretty much decided Saturday night that I wouldn't go to the walk, and that became even more apparent as the day unfolded.

But I decided that I could get there about the time they would be wrapping things up, and maybe I could connect with someone who could tell me what to do with this food. It was already in coolers with dry ice. All I had to do was carry the coolers to my car and head to Andrews Park.

So I did. And I met April, who said they were heading to the Food & Shelter headquarters, and that I could follow and drop off the food. So I did.

There's so much more to this story.

-- Spent $75 on dry ice. That would have been a nice donation in itself for those in need of food.

-- Our refrigerator is 33 years old and sounding more and more strained as it runs. I recall wondering a few weeks ago what I would do if it decided to quit working. But I forgot about those thoughts, and they did not return as my husband and I went grocery shopping and he spent the past week cooking roast, stew and meatloaf, packaging it for future meals and storing it in the freezer.

-- I usually buy groceries on Sunday but went a day early because I thought I might decide to go to the CROP Walk. Thus I had a full dozen eggs, a carton of yogurt, three frozen TV dinners and a large bag of frozen blueberries, among many other things.

-- I had considered returning to a retreat center east of Norman on Saturday, in which case I might not have been home until Sunday afternoon to discover the problem.

One of the conclusions I reach is that all of my plans, good intentions and actions matter, but in some respects, it's also true that none of my plans, intentions and actions matter that much.

Life happens. Things work out. They work out better for me if I keep my focus on God, Who I know guides the plan that works all things for good.

(I don't suppose it is coincidental that my First 15 Bible study and devotional for the week that started Sunday is the peace that comes from God: One of the most powerful marks of a believer is transcendent peace. This world offers us no reason to be peaceful. It offers us no reason to be without stress, burdens, cares, and total frustration. But we serve a God who offers us peace in the midst of any circumstance. We serve a God in whom all true peace finds its source. May you discover the heart of your heavenly Father to bring you peace this week.)

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Somehow connected

Last week I was kicking up surf on a sunny Florida beach. Last evening I was on a hilltop labyrinth beneath a beautiful sky at a retreat center in east central Oklahoma. Tonight that campground is in the path of storms that could include tornadoes or hail. My prayers continue for people who might be in the path of these latest Oklahoma storms, including people still at the retreat center.


View from the beach, Oct. 9:




 
View from the labyrinth, Oct. 20:

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Moments that matter

Once again, I find myself wondering if I will ever catch up on documenting things I wanted to get in print from the past year. I started writing about the trip I took with my sister to visit The Pioneer Woman's Mercantile in Pawhuska in early June, but I didn't finish it or post it.

I could write several fine essays about the trip to upstate New York. But have I? No. And now I could add a trip to a Florida beach and interesting adventures with trolleys and rain forests and trash in the sand. Will I? It's looking more and more doubtful.

The moments and experiences keep coming, and the words I would like to write to supplement my shaky memory don't make it to the page.

Where would I even begin?

Just for today, I will write about the beauty of a sunrise.

I've seen some nice sunsets on my travels this summer, although, truth be told, the beauty was more about the reflection on the water of the St. Lawrence River or Gulf of Mexico than the colors in the New York/Canada or Florida sky. I have a hard time getting up in time to savor the sunrise, and the balcony view from our beach hotel was to the west rather than the east.

But this morning, I happened to have the alarm set for 7 a.m. and actually got up. Then I got dressed to go to the gym with my husband. The gym is less than two miles from our house, but about three-quarters of a mile of the drive is heading east. And I was treated to a glorious burst of colors in that eastern sky.

As I try to think of how to describe it, I regret not taking a picture. But a picture would not have done justice. A picture would have had all the distractions -- the power poles, the traffic lights, cars, buildings.

In my memory, I see only rose and amber and peach and golden rays backed by a lustrous blue sky, with foreground accents of nature's green grass, maybe some flowers and the wood and leaves of trees. I see God's handiwork, and I feel grateful for the gift of a sunrise, the decision to get up and dressed, and the eyes to see the beauty.

In less than a minute, we turned the corner. Someone had tossed a fast-food bag with remnants of breakfast and packaging in the parking space next to ours. I picked it up and carried it to a trash can. Then I had my best workout in maybe forever.

Little things matter. It all adds up. Hope springs eternal. Just for today.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Identity undefined

A year ago today was my last day of employment. I've been blessed all my life, including before and after I was laid off after 34 years working as a journalist at Oklahoma City's daily newspaper.

What surprises me most in the past year is how little progress I've made in redefining my identity. I'm still a daughter, sister, cousin, Christian, wife, aunt, friend and encourager. I don't really consider myself a journalist right now. I had hoped to still be a writer, but the verdict is out on that. 

I had hoped to be a more consistent volunteer. Instead, I'm as sporadic as ever in my charitable service work.  

I had hoped to have some big house-cleaning projects taken care of and new ones started. All I can claim is progress. 

I feel more relaxed. I am healthier in many ways, although some aspects of aging continue to tease me.

I am more aware than ever of how much I love my husband and he loves me. 

I'm grateful for the past year and for the 57 years of my life that preceded it.

I found myself wondering today, on the plane flying back to Oklahoma from a trip with my husband to Clearwater Beach, Florida, whether I've lost some of my mental sharpness in the past year. I tend to think I have. But then I think back to how exhausted, stressed and burned-out I was. That wasn't healthy, and nothing I tried was fixing the situation. I'm still searching for balance.

Thursday's Upper Room Daily Devotional offered a timely reminder about my identity. It was written by Teresa Coda, who said she had been a teacher but described herself as being "between careers." Matthew 16:18 ("Jesus said, 'I tell you, you are Peter, and 
on this rock I will build my church.'") reminds her that Simon Peter's identity didn't come from his work or his actions but from his faith. She continued: "So it is with me. My primary identity comes from my faith, from being a child of God."

And so it is with me. It still doesn't seem like enough. And I know it is: God's love for me is the foundation. It is sure. It is real. It empowers me to do and be what He would have me do and be. I don't have to see where I'm headed. I just have to love and trust the One Who is leading me. And I do.



Thursday, October 5, 2017

Keeping secrets

I feel like I've been keeping secrets!!

I'd usually post on Facebook about my very bloody tongue bite and my very swollen elbow, both of which occurred in recent weeks. And then my cold, which threatened to derail a busy weekend that included my 40th anniversary high school reunion and a relative's 65th birthday party. 
 
It surprised me I didn't share as they happened. 

But, of course, I can't resist eventually sharing. I thought I might tonight. 

But apparently not! 

Ha! Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. 

I know I want to get back to writing to give me hope for preserving the details about images and memories I've stored up the past few months! I have to figure out how to fit into the priorities of a day or week.