Monday, May 22, 2017

Another time

It's been quite a while since I've posted such a blatant place holder, but that's what I'm doing tonight.
It's the deadline day if I'm going to meet my self-imposed quota of at least one post every seven days.
And I've got nothing to share. No, that's not true. I have a lot to share, but I don't have time to think it out and put it into words.
Sometimes going to bed is the more important thing. This is one of those times.


Ecclesiastes 3
To Everything There is a Season
1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

To be continued ... 

Monday, May 15, 2017

Step after step after step

Last week I accomplished some things I had doubts about. I was grateful as the week went along and I felt my confidence growing that I would be able to follow through on a couple of goals. An area where I had struggled and struggled to even get started finally seemed reasonable to take some action on that might achieve a noticeable result. As I saw it happening, I prayed that it might become a foundation for continuing success at breaking through some of my inertia.

This week, I still have greater confidence than usual that I can achieve my goals, and I have already had some success. I also have to face the reality that I may have waited too long to start a couple of projects I hoped to complete this week but really don't even know how to do what I want to get done. So I'm having to assess and consider reprioritizing. It's too early to decide whether I need to go a different direction, but it's good for me to be aware of my options.

Words from last week's blog are worth me repeating today:

I keep wanting to know exactly what I'm supposed to do and how to do it effectively and efficiently, yes, even perfectly. In Your love, Lord, You seem to be telling me that's not Your plan for my life. Yes, You have a plan for my life, and yes, it involves sacrifice and service as well as blessings and honor. But it's not necessarily something that's going to be clear to me. I just have to have faith as I take step after step, seeking Your face and loving You and Yours always.

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13)

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,  I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:12-14)

Monday, May 8, 2017

Where distractions led today ....

I have no reason to think I'm dying anytime soon, and I definitely hope that is the case. But as I try to find motivation to FINALLY cut through years of clutter in my home and life, the best seems to be when I contemplate what's going to happen to my stuff when I'm gone from this Earth. (The other thing that gets me going is to realize that, someday, I will need to move from this house. How much easier it will be if I've already streamlined and simplified!)

And that's still as far as I get!!!! I just think it. I don't act on it.

I get distracted by questions of the best use of my time. Obviously, being stuck and doing nothing is not the best use.

Both of my daily devotionals today seemed to address this, one from the perspective of how I use my time, and the other on what I value.

The Upper Room Scripture today was Ephesians 5:15-16, part of which says: "Be careful . . . how you live, not as unwise people but as wise, making the most of the time ..."

Part of the devotion, written by Wendy Orellana of Venezuela, said: "When I find myself striving for success, I have to ask myself: Am I putting my time to good use? Am I really living as if this were my last day? These and other questions help transform my thinking. God, who is rich in mercy, gives us opportunities again and again to repent of our wrongdoings and foolishness. When we do so, we can feel reborn."

The day's First 15, written by Craig Denison, told of relationship with God as our greatest treasure.

He asked: "How strongly do you desire deeper relationship with him?" (Very strongly. I want to say very strongly. But I know my actions don't match that response.) "How much would you give up to know him?" (That's where I'm convicted. I feel like I strongly desire deeper relationship, but I'm not willing to give up much of myself, even as dissatisfied with myself as I often am.) "What do you seek fulfillment in during your free time?" (Family, health, music, being comfortable and inspired, food)

The discipline included meditation on the depth of God's love for me. Among the suggested Scriptures for meditation: “Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.” (Hebrews 12:2-3)

A final step was to respond to God's love by loving God: "Spend time simply adoring him. Spend time in solitude sitting with him, encountering his heart, and giving him your own. He paid the highest price for you just to be able have a relationship with him. So take time and be the reward of his sacrifice."

(I keep wanting to know exactly what I'm supposed to do and how to do it effectively and efficiently, yes, even perfectly. In Your love, Lord, You seem to be telling me that's not Your plan for my life. Yes, You have a plan for my life, and yes, it involves sacrifice and service as well as blessings and honor. But it's not necessarily something that's going to be clear to me. I just have to have faith as I take step after step, seeking Your face and loving You and Yours always.)

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13)

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,  I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:12-14)

Monday, May 1, 2017

May 1/May 1?

I think I've done this before, but the similarity of May 1 and "may I?" brings me back to this theme.

On May 1 and always, may I:

be gracious.
be kind.
be loving.
seek to know and do God's will, to God's glory.
live one day at a time.
enjoy this moment, the present -- the gift of this moment.
pray, praise, trust and obey.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Could it be any clearer?

When I read Jesus Calling this morning and one of the Scriptures was 2 Corinthians 12:9, I thought it would have been perfect to use with the blog I posted yesterday about my inability to make any real progress on becoming more organized and productive: 

"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”  (2 Corinthians 12:9, New American Standard Bible)

Then I turned to my daily First 15 reading, where I saw this title: "His Grace Is Sufficient." Of course, I knew the Scripture: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."  (English Standard Version)

I still wasn't prepared for what I saw when I turned to my third daily reading, The Upper Room. The title was "Diamonds in the Rough," and the quoted Scripture was: The Lord said to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  (New International Version)

Did God read my blog??? It sure looks like He's trying to send me a message.

In Jesus Calling, author Sarah Young writes that our lack is "an opportunity to latch onto (Jesus) in unashamed dependence.  When you begin a day with inadequate resources, you must concentrate your efforts on the present moment. This is where you  are meant to live -- in the present." It is the place where God awaits.

From the Upper Room meditation, written by Marion Palmer of Australia: "God promises that His grace is sufficient for us and is, in fact, made perfect in our weakness. When at times we feel like our lives are like dry stubble, we can take heart in knowing that God's love, mercy and grace cover us and that we ... are made whole, precious and beautiful in God's sight."

In First 15, Craig Denison wrote: "We serve a God who turns our greatest weakness into our greatest strength. In his grace, all he asks of us is to have a heart open, willing and receptive to him. Our God is one who comes down to us and lays down his life that we might live through him. ... He has given up any form of personal gain to devote his entire existence to paving the way for us to have restored relationship with our heavenly Father."

The thing is, I know and believe this Scripture, at least it's how I understand God and Christ to view me. But it's not so easy to believe my husband and other family members, or my friends and colleagues in church, social settings and work, are so gracious and forgiving.

That is the stumbling block and the challenge. Can I trust what Christ says about God, that His grace is sufficient? Can I believe it is sufficient even when my shortcomings cause me to feel ashamed or less than or judged by others, or when I sense the tension or discomfort my shortcomings produce in my relationships with others?

It is very, very hard for me to trust God above my sensitivity to how others feel about me. And that's  a big source of the tension that keeps me from finding my best way. Am I really trusting God when I worry so much about what others think? But it seems selfish to not think of how my actions, inactions and shortcomings affect others, especially those closest to me.

But to read those three devotions just hours after posting about my weaknesses and inadequacies, I'm not sure it could be any clearer what God wants.

And so the journey to faithfully trust and obey continues.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

One. Day. At. A. Time.

I keep thinking I've FINALLY discovered what I need to know and will actually do to be more organized and prepared and productive and efficient. 

And each new program or routine quickly loses its luster, and I'm back to my old ways and wondering what happened. 

And I end up back at just for today. One day at a time. Progress not perfection.
 
Here I am again.

I'm not sure everyone has to keep it this simple. But experience and practice indicate that I do. 

Experience also suggests I won't give up on trying to find some perfect plan. 
 
Will I ever get it figured out? 
 
It seems I'll only know one day at a time.
 
In the meantime, these are some of the concepts and ideas that guide me and give me hope:
 
One day at a time. 
Progress not perfection. 
Focus on what I have, not what I don't have.
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude.
Pray, trust and obey.
Encourage and support.
In all things, give thanks.
Love.

 
"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,  for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."  (Lamentations 3:22-23, New International Version)  
 
 

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Then sings my soul

Just for today, I accept that my willingness and some level of ability to sing, unaccompanied, in various settings is a gift from God. I accept the gift by sharing the gift.

Maybe it's more of a calling than a gift. I just know that I love to sing praises to God. I love to encourage people. And I love when God offers opportunities for me to encourage people by singing praises to God.

My realization of God's role in this was heightened as I thought of situations in which I have been able to sing rather than cry.

Singing almost always makes me smile. Sometimes I sing and smile through tears, and God creates the beauty of prisms for me to view through. Another gift.

As I act on opportunities to share my singing gift to God's glory, He also helps me see other ways I can share His love. That's the key: Seeking His guidance on how to share His love. It starts with taking time to feel His love and offer my love to Him in return. That brings joy, which overflows in a smile.

But I seem unable to hold on to the joy unless I share it.

Sharing the joy of God's love can be as simple as smiling and offering a kind or encouraging word to a person I encounter as I go about my day.

Sometimes it requires more sacrifice. It can require going out of my way; giving up some of my time or money; relinquishing control of a situation -- all while maintaining an attitude of love, joy and gratitude.

Gratitude is another key. One way I express gratitude to God is by sharing an attitude of gratitude with others.

Among the songs that were able to overflow from my heart in recent times:

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow.
Praise God, all creatures here below.
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Praise God, the source of all our gifts!
Praise Jesus Christ, Whose power uplifts!
Praise the Spirit, Holy Spirit!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Great is Thy faithfulness, Oh God my Father.
There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not; Thy compassions, they fail not.
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness. Great is Thy faithfulness.
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!
Oh what a foretaste of glory divine!
Heir of salvation, purchase of  God,
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.
This is  my story; this is my song.
Praising my Savior all the day long!
This is my story; this is my song.
Praising my Savior all the day long!

Oh Lord, my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds Thy hands have made,
I see the stars, I hear the roaring thunder:
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee:
How great Thou Art! How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee:
How great Thou art! How great Thou art!    


Saturday, April 15, 2017

Unfinished (again)

It's Holy Saturday, the day between Good Friday and Easter or Resurrection Sunday.

Holy Week brings reminders that God's work to save me is finished.

So why do I feel unfinished?

I knew I would struggle to "finish" this Lenten season, and as I reflect on Holy Saturday, I see I finished nothing that I started for Lent.

On March 1, Ash Wednesday, I had written: I can't escape the pull to a Lenten season of repentance and reflection. But, as usual, I have been unsure of what shape that will take for me. Is it sacrifice? Discipline? Service? Bible study? Fellowship? Does it have to be daily or can it evolve over the 40 days, not including Sundays, leading up to Easter.


One of the disciplines I pondered was to let go of a bag of stuff for each of the 40 days. This may seem like a superficial act to some, but as I went through some of my possessions that first day in an effort to fill the bag, I was aware time after time how I cling to things, and only by focusing on God's love through Christ could I make the decision to just put it in the bag.

As recently as the morning of Good Friday, I thought it was possible I would fill some more bags -- and reaching the goal of 40 did not seem unreasonable, although I knew I could also be satisfied to fill the equivalent of one per week (six). But before the day ended, perhaps after attending the Good Friday service, I was back to realizing I likely would not fill another bag.

(For the record, I just tallied what I had done all those days ago, and it's even less than I thought: One large paper bag and three and a half plastic grocery bags. I also took a bag full to Goodwill, and there's one other large bag that my husband and I filled together.)

And then, this morning, I TOOK THREE THINGS OUT of one of the bags I had filled!!! Later, I went shopping. I bought greeting cards, Easter trinkets and two hairbands. So, instead of getting rid of stuff, I bought more.

But I took three of the cards and the trinkets as I visited women who are in care facilities or homebound. One did not respond to my knock on the door, so I left the card and Easter cross at the front desk. The other two eagerly greeted me and we shared smiles and laughs and encouragement. One said my visit turned her day around as she was starting to feel discouraged. The other said my stopping by was perfectly timed, and I was able to retrieve her letters and magazines from the mailbox.

I'm not sure what to make of all that, but I am certain it was more important today for me to make those visits than to attempt to fill more bags with stuff I no longer need.

"Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.  Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:26-27

Meanwhile, I read the Upper Room and a Lenten devotional each day and unexpectedly joined a Lenten book study at church, but I lapsed on the disciplines of two habits I was trying to form. One involves putting even routine things on my calendar to help structure my day, and the other involves a spreadsheet that helps me set daily and longer-term goals and assess my  progress.

The lapse in the written disciplines came at the same time I realized I might not fill another bag, which was during or right after a weeklong trip to Houston and other parts of Texas. And as is always the case for me, I'm having a very hard time getting back on track with these endeavors. But I haven't given up.

As I wrote March 8: But before Ash Wednesday was over, I had failed my loftiest goals. And by the end of the second day, I had failed to achieve what seemed like a very doable daily goal. So, I realized again the value of "progress not perfection." ... A big part of how I experience humility is through having to let go of perfectionism. The process continues.

I also found myself hopeful that the spiritual focus of Lent would help me regain a sense of purpose or direction that has been missing even before I lost my job. While writing March 22, I was reminded of the importance of pursuing my passion. What came to mind then, as it has before, was that "my passion is to help and encourage others. ... I want to write. I want to sing, And I want to help and encourage others, to God's glory."

By the end of the week, I had written it into a goal and had hopes of starting to take action I knew would  be required to achieve it. But all these days later, no real progress has been made and I have even found myself questioning whether it was a realistic goal.

Yet, this still seems true: I need to write encouraging words. That's what I've been doing, but it hasn't seemed significant. But maybe that's because I haven't believed in its merit. ....
Of course, I also wrote down this truth:  I have to live my life one day at a time. So, even though I wrote my goal down as something I hope to achieve for an event next March, I cannot take much time thinking about the results. I'll be busy enough planning what I need to do and then doing it.

That brought me back around to something worthy to let go of, and not just during Lent: Even as I plan and even if and when I take action, I cannot control the results. ... I tend to think of myself as a people-pleaser, which at least at first glance seems the opposite of controlling, but when I saw this in "Jesus Calling," I was convicted: "THIS IS A TIME in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. ... As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care."

Is it sacrifice? Discipline? Service? Bible study? Fellowship?


I've had unexpected, surprising and rewarding opportunities for fellowship. Many required me to get out of my comfort zone. And, as my faith grows, it's getting a little less uncomfortable to do so.

It's often a challenge for me to interact with others without meddling. I often have to ask prayerfully: Is this God's plan? Or is this just me trying to control a situation and do what I want to do? I never do it without praying, including a request that God stop me from intruding if it's not His will. Still, it's not always clear. And I'm very aware that it doesn't follow the rules of etiquette. But I also know that God's ways are not always our ways and don't always follow the rules of man or etiquette experts.

From March 31: I'm grateful to realize I'm also having more success at inviting others to join me. I just remembered another case in which I will follow through tomorrow. Reaching out, whether to invite someone to join me or to ask if I can join  someone else, requires me to face some fears and self-doubt, which I can only do by trusting in God. And He is always faithful to be present with me if I will allow him to.


By April 8, I was again more aware of my shortcomings than my strengths. Writing helped me to remember what I want and need to focus on: Purpose. Priorities. Passion. Persistence. Progress not perfection. Payoff. Production. Perseverance. Prayer. Praise. To the glory of God, by whom we know, via Romans 8:28, that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Self-doubt returned in force by April 12, this time regarding singing. I don't know how to practice to get better. I just go by instinct. Is that God's best for me -- and I just need to go with it and trust Him with it? Or am I being lazy and unfocused?


“Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.” Psalm 62:8
As I'm trying to focus and wrap this up for 2017, I turn to what I wrote last year. I know I have done many worthwhile things spiritually as well as practically, but I still seem to be at this exact same place.

As happens at least half of the time for me when the contemplation of Lent gives way to the celebration of Easter, this is a year when I know I still have a lot of work to do. I don't recall Lamentations 3 as being a key part of the Holy Week liturgy in the past, but it has come up several times this year. And how grateful I am for it.  "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."   (Lamentations 3:22-23)

So, as I prepare to again celebrate the gift of God who gave His only Son to die on a cross  to pay the debt for my sins -- and did not let Him stay in the grave -- my heart is filled with gratitude but also, I pray, humility. Now if I can just take the next step, to obedience. Not my will, but Yours, Lord, I pray.

Maybe this year I will.



"God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

"I can be strong and courageous. I will not be afraid or tremble, for the Lord goes with me. He will not fail or forsake me." (Isaiah 41:10)

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Together4Good

All things work together for good for those who believe ...  

I've seen this spiritual truth in new light. 

The strong cord of two people working together. Better together.  Together for good. And grateful to be working together for good. 

This awareness came to me as I thought about my continual  starts and stops. My inconsistency. 

Remembering what I want and need to focus on:

Purpose. Priorities. Passion. 
Persistence. Progress not perfection. 

Payoff. Production. 
Perseverance.

Prayer. 
Praise. 

To the glory of God, by whom we know, via Romans 8:28, that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Seriously, even on April Fools'

Things aren't always what they seem.

When I read on Facebook on Friday night that my church's pastor of 10 years was leaving, one of the thoughts that came to mind at seeing it announced that way was, Can this be true? As a friend who was with me suggested, since it was March 31, maybe this was an early April Fools' joke.

And I'm thinking, yeah, maybe. He does have a wry sense of humor. But I kept thinking, this is not something to joke about. Too many people would take it very seriously and might not be very forgiving.

But if it was serious, for it to be announced on Facebook just seemed "off," not right. And if it was a joke, something's off with that, too.

My friend and I couldn't decide what to make of this announcement, but we both decided we would pray about it. And we did.

I called my husband as I drove home and talked about it some. Times have changed, and maybe this is an OK way to make an announcement now. But it still didn't seem right that it was on a public page instead of something first just to the church.

It wasn't long before I was home. I went in the house. On the kitchen counter, I saw my mail, and, oh yeah, there's that envelope from the church. I recalled thinking, when I brought the letter into the house before I left for the evening, that they were probably asking for something -- money, maybe, or perhaps they have a position to fill. I realize I had made some assumptions when I saw it. So now, back home, I opened it, and sure enough, it was a letter dated March 30 in which my pastor said he was sad to announce that he was being moved to a different church.

So, I was like, OK, God, ha ha, I was just at a program on faith and anxiety and trusting God. And without a doubt, that already had put me in a frame of mind and spirit where I wasn't fearful or anxious about this unexpected news. I was just curious. And I was praying. My friend and I were  praying. We were like: We don't know what's going on, but we're lifting up Jim and April and our church and the church it says he's going to and everyone involved. And then when I got home and read this (and it was also in  the newsletter that had arrived via email), it was just clear that God was in charge.

I had it in my hands. I didn't open it. I think clearly, I can see, that was God's intent. I mean, it was in my hand and I did not open it. So, I think that timing was divine.

I know that when I write about these things, I need to be careful in determining: Why am I wanting to write about this? Is this of God? As I try to work past a multiyear bout of writer's block, my tendency is to hold back from fear or doubt about what people will think. I haven't regained my writing "voice" and I have more doubt than confidence about the merit of my prose. But with faith in God, I can be fearless before man.  So, I seek to pray and discern: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it helpful? Is it positive?

I guess my point this time, as I wrote at the beginning, is that things aren't always what they seem. And that's OK. Yesterday provided many opportunities for me to practice and grow my faith. And it provided me another exercise for trying to figure out what I want to write about and how. (I think I fared better on the former than the latter, but they intertwine.)

I've still got quite a way to go in both endeavors! Gratefully, and armed with faith, tonight I view them without fear or anxiety.

I want God to find me faithful, grateful, on my knees (from the song "Find Me," that was part of today's First 15 devotional).

Friday, March 31, 2017

Audacious? Presumptuous? Opportunistic? Or just faithful?

As this month winds down, I've noticed some habits I'm not sure what I think of.

I catch myself saying "Nah" rather than "no" or "No, thank you," "No, sir" or "No, ma'am."

I invite myself places. I did it again today. The results turn out good for me, but I'm sure it violates all the rules of etiquette. I try to make it clear to the other person that they can say no, if he or she would rather me not come along, and sometimes that's what they do.

It just seems like if I wait for someone to invite me, I'll end up doing things alone or not at all. 

What I've noticed about this is that it's easier for me to ask if I can go along to someone else's event than it is for me to invite someone to come to mine. That's partly because when I have invited someone, it usually hasn't worked out, which makes it harder for me to try again. Plus, I'm always doubting whether anyone would really be interested in what interests me. (Bassmaster Classic, anyone? I actually had a pleasant surprise when friends did accept my invitation and enjoyed getting to know about this distinctive fishing event.)

On today's deal, I could have just shown up on my own, but since I know someone who had indicated on Facebook that she was going, I called her to confirm. That's how I ended up inviting myself to be her guest.

Another part of it is that it really does seem like God put this opportunity in front of me. I had been wanting to see the friend. I missed my regularly scheduled spiritual gatherings this week. Through Facebook, I became aware of Ladies Night at her church, with the program on Fear and Anxiety. And then my husband planned a quick trip that would take him away from home overnight, so I would have been alone for the evening.

But was it really God's plan? Or was this just me trying to control a situation and do what I wanted to do? The fact that I called my friend was pretty far from the norm for me and a clue that divine intervention was involved.

What continued to happen as the evening progressed provided further evidence to me that none of this was coincidence. The meeting's prayer focus and my renewing of a bond of friendship will strengthen me as I move through a period of transition (typically a major source of fear and anxiety) in important areas of my life.

Looking back at where I started this, I'm sure I'm OK with being aware of those habits. The first one, my casual way of saying no, should be fairly easy to correct now that I have it in mind. "No, thank you" will be my preferred response.

As for inviting myself to do things with other people, I choose to see it as following the prompting of God. I never do it without praying, including a request that God stop me from intruding if it's not His will. Still, it's not always clear. And I'm very aware that it doesn't follow the rules of etiquette. But I also know that God's ways are not always our ways and don't always follow the rules of man or etiquette experts.

I'm grateful to realize I'm also having more success at inviting others to join me. I just remembered another case in which I will follow through tomorrow. Reaching out, whether to invite someone to join me or to ask if I can join  someone else, requires me to face some fears and self-doubt, which I can only do by trusting in God. And He is always faithful to be present with me if I will allow him to,

"God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

"I can be strong and courageous. I will not be afraid or tremble, for the Lord goes with me. He will not fail  or forsake me." (Isaiah 41:10)

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Could this be it?

Last week, I wrote about feeling directionless and lacking purpose.

I always try to come up with a positive spin for whatever I write, but I'm pretty sure I was acting as if, and that my hopeful tone last Wednesday night was wishful thinking.

But guess what? Pursuing that positive spin may have paid off again.

By Saturday afternoon, I had written down a goal that still excites me four days later. I've even considered some of the steps and discipline it will take to achieve the goal. I will need some new skills and to refresh and refine some old ones.

Can this old cat learn new tricks? I don't know. I won't find out until I begin the process.

Today, I started seeing how working toward that goal will not only give me a sense of purpose, but achieving the goal could yield some results that none of my previous best efforts could produce.

I have to live my life one day at a time. So, even though I wrote my goal down as something I hope to achieve for an event next March, I cannot take much time thinking about the results. I'll be busy enough planning what I need to do and then doing it.

Something I read last Friday (before the goal came to me on Saturday) is instructive here. Even as I plan and even if and when I take action, I cannot control the results.

What I read Friday helped me identify control (more precisely, the desire to be in control of my life) as a prized possession! I tend to think of myself as a people-pleaser, which at least at first glance seems the opposite of controlling, but when I saw this in "Jesus Calling," I was convicted: "THIS IS A TIME in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. ... As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care."

Writing and posting this is an important step of letting go and trusting God.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

In pursuit of passion

Once again, I found myself in a moment of feeling directionless, wondering what my purpose is. And very soon,  just going through the actions of my day, I found words that reminded me the importance of pursuing my passion.

But what is my passion?

Today's reading from a 12-step devotional (Overeaters Anonymous' "Voices of Recovery") triggered thoughts.

"To recognize where my passion is."

I've thought this before, and it's what comes to mind again: My passion is to help and encourage others. But how?

Among my desires: I want to write. I want to sing. And I want to help and encourage others, to God's glory.

But how? I'm still stuck, but today it seems a little clearer: I need to write encouraging words. That's what I've been doing, but it hasn't seemed significant. But maybe that's because I haven't believed in its merit.

The turned-back page on my other daily OA devotional ("For Today") sent me back to this that I had flagged from yesterday:


Yesterday is when I was questioning my purpose. Why am I here, on this trip to Houston accompanying my husband, who is working?

These words helped so much: "Today, I consider a day well spent if I have enjoyed something I once took for granted ... when I see a self-defeating habit go ... when I risk closeness ... when I forget what I have to do and let myself feel the moment."

I can't point to a particular thing about yesterday that this applied to, but it is a perspective that changes everything and renews my hope. And it pushed me toward this writing, which I'm pretty sure is a step toward recognizing my passion and letting it loose in a positive way, to God's glory.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Desire for discipline

I'm more about living than writing right now. But I haven't given up on writing, so I keep coming back here, as an act of discipline.

And that reminds me of one of the themes I thought of exploring recently: "Desire and Discipline," which was the title of a sermon Feb. 19 by the Rev. Jim Shepherd at Goodrich United Methodist Church.

When I wrote the word "discipline" above in regard to my writing routine, the word "desire" came to mind, courtesy of that sermon title. And it made me think of how, as Jim preached from a more theological perspective, the place my thinking went to was writing.

I often have desire. I much less often have discipline.

Among my New Year's goals was to write more. I planned to schedule at least 30 minutes for writing most days. It took a while, but eventually I started doing it.

It takes time for new actions to become a habit or routine.

The thing I've noticed recently is that not only is it hard for me to get started at something new; it's hard for me to keep at it. Even when I like the process and the results of new actions, it's not unusual for me to notice a week or two later that I've lapsed. I can think of at least three such instances in which this has happened regarding major goals, including writing, since the start of the year.

What I'm trying to do now as I work on becoming more disciplined and structured is, when I realize I've let something lapse that is important to me, to get it back on my list!

The list itself is one of the new disciplines or practices I'm trying to do. The WOOP* (Wish-Outcome-Obstacle-Plan) approach I'm using encourages me to write what I hope to be the outcome; list what I see as possible obstacles; and articulate my plan for fulfilling the wish.

I've added to my spreadsheet a line for the results. Several days, I had gotten to where I was just writing the wishes/goals and the results. But after I realized I was missing the middle steps, I've returned to the full practice.

At my best, I also include another extra step: scheduling some of the most important goals onto my day's calendar. Working on all these steps helps me to prioritize and reprioritize throughout the day, and that helps me to be more effective. And that brings me a sense of peace that I've desired for a long time.

Now, as a person of lifelong Christian faith and a member of a 12-step recovery program for most of my adult life, it might seem I should be far beyond needing such rigorous structure outside of either of those affiliations.  And I certainly don't want it to sound like this WOOP and scheduling structure is the answer. It's really  just a tool that I am able to use as a result of continuing efforts to grow as a person of faith, seeking to know and do God's will, to His glory.

* I found the WOOP method, created by psychology professors Gabriele Oettingen and Dr. Peter Gollwitzer of New York University, in an article by Melody Wilding via Quartz Ideas.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Letting go of perfectionism

As often happens and, in fact, I predicted, this year's experience of Lent seems to be taking its own shape.

It seems like the start of Lent is no different than the start of a new year or other such beginning when it comes to my tendency to set a standard to which I hope to adhere perfectly.

But before Ash Wednesday was over, I had failed my loftiest goals. And by the end of the second day, I had failed to achieve what seemed like a very doable daily goal.

So, I realized again the value of "progress not perfection."

I still have hopes of filling at least 40 bags of things to let go of (including trash) during Lent.

But following the letter of my law isn't the most important thing.

A big part of how I experience humility is through having to let go of perfectionism. The process continues.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

The pull of repentence and reflection

I didn't really plan to write today, but here I am.

Ash Wednesday. I can't escape the pull to a Lenten season of repentance and reflection. But, as usual, I have been unsure of what shape that will take for me. Is it sacrifice? Discipline? Service? Bible study? Fellowship? Does it have to be daily or can it evolve over the 40 days, not including Sundays, leading up to Easter.

A friend's Facebook post stayed with me all day:

"The purpose for Ash Wednesday, ushering in Lent, is to repent of our sins and to reflect on our Lord and Savior and His great gift to us by saving us by His grace alone from the wrath of a righteous God. It is NOT to promote a political agenda or a perceived social issue. Once we move the focus from God, His Love and Grace and our repentance and reflection, we are promoting falsity. It is time for a reawakening of the churches who have strayed from God's Will and Purpose."

One of the disciplines I have pondered is to let go of a bag of stuff for each of the 40 days. This may seem like a superficial act to some, but as I went through some of my possessions earlier today in an effort to fill the bag, I was aware time after time how I cling to things, and only by focusing on God's love through Christ could I make the decision to just put it in the bag.

I was also aware after filling one  bag that I couldn't even tell anything was missing from my possessions. And that's often what it's like after I've spent time trying to get honest and prayerful  about my sins and shortcomings and asking God to help me release them to Him, to His glory. Even when I take a step of progress in this area, the magnitude of faults and shortcomings still seems overwhelming.

During the Ash Wednesday service at church, I prayed to know what God would have me do. On the way home, I was thinking about how fasting is mentioned as part of the spiritual discipline for Lent. Here it was 7:45 p.m., and I hadn't chosen to "fast" anything. It occurred to me I could sacrifice my evening snack. And guess what? I was not willing to do that. So I rationalized that giving up some of my possessions (so far, clothes, shoes and bags) that I've clung to is a type of fast. But I'm not convinced.

The Lenten devotional I started with today is one published by United Methodist Women. The theme is "Wearing the Mantel of Faith." I'm new to the UMW, so I don't really know what to expect from its Lenten focus.  And now I see that may not be a series. So ... I have no idea what my reading focus will  be tomorrow.

As it turns out, it looks like this Lenten journey will be another evolution. I really don't know where it will take me. But I am confident where it will lead me: to Easter and a renewed spirit of faith in the Risen Christ and the power of God's sacrificial gift of love for me.

Monday, February 27, 2017

The difference a day makes

I'm in a support and recovery program where "one day at a time" and "just for today" are important concepts. And what a difference a day can make!

In recent days, I've been making a pretty detailed list of what I hope to accomplish in that 24 hours. I use it to set goals and to prioritize and reprioritize as the day goes along. Even though I typically end up deciding some of the things are not priorities and can be crossed off the list or moved to another day, overall I think the list has helped me daily to get more done.

Saturday, the list was filled with opportunities and desires that I didn't see how could work out. During my devotional time as I walked on the treadmill before showering and getting on with my day, I read that I could ask God to show me His plans for the day and he would reveal them. It never seems to work that way for me, but I did pray to know, trusting that God would be in control even if it didn't seem clear to me what His plans were.

It doesn't usually happen this was for me, but as the day unfolded, it became crystal clear that God in fact was revealing his plans for the day, equipping me to do my part and blessing me and, I pray, others along the way. Not only did I get the things on my list done, some things came up that most days would have stressed me out, thinking there was no way to add another thing. Instead, step by step, it seemed clear how this would work. And I continued to be energized and blessed, thanking God all along the way. I was aware of a feeling that I like: All things seemed possible.

When I have a day like that, I always hope it will be the start of some consistency in productive days. So, even though Sunday's list again had what looked like too much to do, I was optimistic it would unfold just as gloriously. And maybe it did. But it didn't seem like it. Instead, I was weary and easily distracted. Things didn't fall into place smoothly. Although I got a lot done and much was good, by the end of the day I felt discouraged. It seemed possible things would never really change for the better.

What had happened? I don't know the full answer to that question. But thinking of those "one day at a time" and "just for today" concepts, I realize it's OK to have what might seem like good days and bad days — and possibly sometimes good days that for some reason just don't seem as good. I think that's what happened Sunday. I know I did my best and kept going back to God with prayers of thanksgiving, faith and trust, and to know and do His  will.

I awoke Monday again feeling that all things are possible. It's mid-afternoon, and I feel energized and blessed by opportunities I've had to serve and pray and share and care. Now there is some housework to do, which is part of what threw me off on Sunday. Maybe what wasn't possible yesterday will be today. Regardless, I pray to be aware at the end of the day that it has been good, and that, as always, God is the source of that goodness.

Monday, February 20, 2017

In God's Presence

My exercise in writing continues. Today I do not have the TV on. I've only allotted 30 minutes to write. I've already used some of the time to track down the HTML code for the em dash. How good that makes me feel is proof that I am an editor in addition to a wanna-be writer.

What would be great to write about is this morning's prayer time and then going to visit a dear friend at the hospital. Those words are harder to find, for some reason. The experiences are so positive, but much seems to get lost as I try to capture them in words.

I believe in the power of prayer, and I believe God has called me back to the prayer group at 10 a.m. Mondays at the church. The women who gather there inspire me. I feel humbled, grateful and honored to join them. Today I let the Spirit to move me to end my portion of prayer with the upbeat version of the Doxology: "Praise God from Whom all blessings flow. Praise God all creatures here, below. Alleluia! Alleluia! Praise God the source of all our gifts. Praise Jesus Christ Whose power uplifts. Praise the Spirit — Holy Spirit. Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!"

While there, I learned my dear friend Mac was back in the hospital. And the church is closer to the hospital than my house is, so being there made it easy to just go on that little bit farther to visit him. I enjoyed spending time with him and his daughter, and then his wife and another daughter when they arrived. I was grateful to be able to sing a couple of hymns of faith for this couple that I associate with the music ministry at church, even though it has been years since they could  participate. I sang a verse of "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" and two verses of  "Blessed Assurance." Mac had trouble understanding me when I talked, but his steadfast gaze as I sang conveyed complete understanding. Thank you, God, for allowing me to stand in Your presence with this precious family.

My journey to regain my skill and confidence as a writer is part of a larger endeavor to become more aware of and focused on my purpose in life. I believe God is the Author of that purpose and wants to help me know and fulfill it. I believe prayer and relationships with people in His body of believers are essential to this process. I am grateful to finally be acting on opportunities to build and deepen these relationships.


Sunday, February 19, 2017

An exercise in writing

Tonight I am setting aside an hour to write, and something from what I write I will post on the blog.

It's 7 p.m. Sunday. The NBA All-Star Game is about to start. I have it on but don't plan to watch too closely. It's possible Gene will interrupt me so I can watch him work on QuickBooks.

I want to regain confidence in my writing so I can return to writing for pay. Is there a class I need to take to move toward this?

I Googled "how to become a better writer." Ah, yes. That's the ticket. (Although what I really need is how to get back to writing, period. Fortunately, this addresses that, too!)

I found 15 tips from Leo Babauta, a professional writer who blogs about goals, habits, productivity, simplifying and more at http://zenhabits.net.

I think the most important one for me is No. 5, and he describes my situation well:

"Just write. If you’ve got blank paper or a blank screen staring at you, it can be intimidating. You might be tempted to go check your email or get a snack. Well, don’t even think about it, mister. Just start writing. Start typing away — it doesn’t matter what you write — and get the fingers moving. Once you get going, you get in the flow of things, and it gets easier. I like to start out by typing things like my name or a headline or something easy like that, and then the juices start flowing and stuff just pours out of me. But the key is to just get going."

That's actually what I'm doing right now ...  (Unlike this next one, which I may not try until Tuesday.)

Probably second most important for me is his No. 6, and I'm sure it will be the hardest for me:

"Eliminate distractions. Writing does not work well with multi-tasking or background noise. It’s best done in quiet, or with some mellow music playing. ... Turn off email or IM notifications, turn off the phone and your cell phone, turn off the TV, and clear off your desk … you can stuff everything in a drawer for now until you have time to sort everything out later … but don’t get into sorting mode now, because it’s writing time! Clear away distractions so you can work without interruption."

Other ideas that resonated:

"Get feedback. You can’t get better in a vacuum. Get someone to read over your stuff — preferably a good writer or editor. Someone who reads a lot, and can give you honest and intelligent feedback. And then listen. Really try to understand the criticism and accept it and use it to improve. ..."

"Put yourself out there. At some point, you’ll need to let others read your writing. Not just the person who you’re allowing to read it, but the general public. ... If you’re already doing a blog, that’s good, but if no one reads it, then you need to find a bigger blog and try to submit a guest post. Putting your writing out in the public can be nerve-wracking, but it is a crucial (if painful) part of every writer’s growth. ..."

Among Babauta's other suggestions:

* Read great writers. (I struggle with this. Maybe I need to also schedule at least 30 minutes a day to read. I don't think I've ever done that.)
* Create a writing ritual. "Whatever works for you, make it a must-do thing every single day. Write for at least 30 minutes, but an hour is even better." (I am working on this. It's been a goal for a couple of weeks, and maybe tonight is the start.)
* Plan.
* Experiment.
* Revise and rewrite.
* Be concise.

I like these ideas and I think they will help. I have to admit I just looked at the clock -- 7:50. Ten more minutes. Then I started trying to find out how to get those two hyphens to be a long dash. I found the instructions, but it didn't work. I guess I'll work more on that tomorrow.

Because:  It's 8 p.m. I'm out of here. But this was good. I am grateful.

Postscript: The next day, I found the HTML code for an em dash in this operation — but did it work? Yes! Yay! (I also see now that I could have copied and pasted an em dash from the "Just write" text I copied and pasted above. But then I would not have learned this code that will be good for me to know.)

Sunday, February 12, 2017

What if it's really OK?

This week I'm aware how sad/pathetic it is that I can't even seem to do unemployment well!

There's really no good reason for me not to be enjoying this time off from work. But I find myself stressing out every day over what to do. And whenever I do that -- get stressed out about what to do -- I typically get nothing done.

All of my strategies for changing this situation seem like good ideas and inspire me for a day, or hour, but before long, they are just another source of discouragement.

I've said it and written it before, but I need to repeat it: What would I do if I really could do whatever I wanted, without any repercussions or without disappointing someone else?

I would relax.
I would write.
I would sing.
I would straighten up my messes.
I would spend more time praying.
I would spend more time helping people.

So, why am I not doing these things? The biggest reasons involve time management and priorities, and what I think others expect or think of me.

I would like to write, but I am a very slow writer. My awareness of how slow I am distracts me from really thinking about and developing what I want to say. My mind wanders to what I think I should be doing instead, but instead of doing that other thing, I get into a mental battle with myself. And there is no peace. I would like to get back into writing for pay, but to do that, first I need to get back to writing. And that's where the struggle is. How do I justify the time it takes to get it going again?

As for singing, I totally don't see how I can justify taking time to work on that.

As for straightening up my messes, I want them straightened up, but I don't know where to start.  And it's another process that when I do start it, the results come very slowly. And I guess I get impatient. I've read a great book with suggestions -- and now it is part of the mess!

Praying -- another thing that I have trouble focusing on, because my mind wanders to the other things I think I need to be doing.

Helping people -- I don't even know where to begin.

The people pleasing part is paralyzing. I don't want to disappoint anyone. But that fear keeps me from doing what I want to do and also what the other person might prefer me to do, and that ends up being a lose-lose situation.

Somehow, I've got to be patient. And I've got to trust God to take care of the people I fear will be disappointed by me being me.

Sigh.




Sunday, February 5, 2017

Still haven't found the write way

I envy people who can write in a way that turns everyday experiences into fun-to-read accounts. Occasionally I have done that, and it gives me a sense of satisfaction. But more often I just write to document something I want to remember. As for why I post it on a blog and sometimes share the link on Facebook, that's less clear to me. It surprises me when people seem to relate to and-or appreciate my fairly simple observations.

On Tuesday, Jan. 31, my Facebook "memories" offered reminders and I hoped inspiration to get me back into a writing routine.

I shared this with one of the "memories," from 2015: This is another timely memory/reminder. I realized yesterday that I need to be setting aside time each day to write. For many years, I have pushed writing to the side, and I often end up frustrated when I can't compose my thoughts on demand in the scrap of time I allow. I'm grateful for this period in which I have time to reconnect with my muse.

My comment went with this 2015 post shared from The Writer's Circle: "If you're going to be a writer, the first essential is to just write.  Do not wait for an idea. Start writing something and the ideas will come. You have to turn the faucet on before the water starts to flow."  Louis L'Amour

Here was my comment spurred by a blog post from Jan. 31, 2014, about my struggles as a writer: Ok, this is the last (but will it show up as the first?) of the memories Facebook has resurrected this morning. I've shared a lot on the last day on January in the seven years I've been on Facebook. A lot of it has involved my trials and triumphs as a wannabe passionate and creative person. Today, I will use it as inspiration.

But I didn't even blog that day, and here I am again, scrambling to come up with something -- anything!

I want to schedule a minimum of one hour a day to write. But it seems like I need to get other things done first, so I don't get to it. And I pay a price of frustration. But I will keep trying.


Sunday, January 29, 2017

The right place

This was one of those days when I wish I could have been two places at once. 

Earlier in the month, I had marked today's date on my calendar because I wanted to go with Mom to attend the open house for longtime family friends' new ranch house in the Gainesville area.

Shortly after marking that date, I learned my home church's annual chili cook-off and talent show would be that same day in Norman. Gene and I enjoy the chili, and I also like the chance to sing in a less-formal setting than worship and support the chili cookers and the other performers. 

I decided to stick with my original plan, because it was a one-time thing, and the talent show happens every year.

Along the way, more things came up at my church in Norman that I didn't want to miss. And I was having doubts, as I often do, about whether it really was worth the time and gas to make a one-day trip to Texas.

Nevertheless, I got up early this morning and headed south from Norman. I hadn't been at Whaley United Methodist Church in Gainesville long before I knew I was where I was supposed to be. My sister said the choir could use me. They just had one soprano and wondered if I could be a quick-study on the anthem. I love to be asked to sing, so I was eager to give it a try. The anthem was a rousing number, "Move That Mountain, Lord." The fact that the rest of the choir knew it already helped me learn it easily. I was glad to sing along. Adding to my sense of belonging was that, besides my sister's encouragement, one of the other choir members made it sound like it was an answer to prayer for me to be singing with them, something she wished could happen regularly! (And I would love to sing with that choir -- but I also want to sing with the choir at my church in Norman.)

It just so happened that the pastor was out of town, so the choir director gave the sermon. And the message was on faith that moves mountains. All it takes is the faith the size of a mustard seed. He had prepared cards for each person with a mustard seed taped to it. The message was filled with joy and strong guidance for making sure we have love, joy, prayer, peace, Bible study and faithful action in our lives. And seeing as how he was doing everything else to lead the service, he did just a bit of a tap dance! Talk about inspiring!

From there I went to lunch with Mom, two of my sisters, a brother-in-law, niece and her four kids. Then Mom and I headed to the open house on a ranch in a part of the country that is very near and dear to my heart. I can't find words right now to  express the thoughts and feelings it evoked. Friendship. History. Memories. Families. Love. Heritage. Gratefulness. Spirit. Laughter. Smiles. Hospitality. I had instinctively known I didn't want to miss it. My instinct was right.

And then I headed back to Norman. Even though the cities are about 120 miles apart, I was able to make it back to Norman in time for the talent show at Goodrich Memorial UMC, where I met up with my husband, who was already there for the chili cook-off/dinner. He was just finishing with helping to put away the tables and chairs, so we headed to the show, which offered an interesting variety of entertainment. Conversations with people afterward again had me feeling I was at the right place!

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I am blessed to have two churches where I feel loved and very much a part of the family. I had the hardest time deciding which place to be, but as the day unfolded, I knew I was at the right place. I thank God for that.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

No laughing matter

I sure hope I'm done with dentists for awhile. My drug-enhanced journey via a root canal was not quite the trip I expected. I'm pretty sure my anxious mind was overthinking what was going on, causing me to resist the effects of the nitrous oxide, at the same time I was hoping and praying the gas would take me to a happy place of lightness and laughter. 
At age 57 and after a lifetime of receiving dental work -- including cleanings, fillings, crowns, removal of wisdom teeth and, most recently, a root canal -- this was the first time I opted for the so-called laughing gas.
I'd always managed to be calm enough for the injection of the local anesthetic and, despite the physical discomfort of having to keep my mouth open wide and all the various poking and drilling (and the drill's mind-wracking sound), I never experienced real pain. In fact, typically, the worst pain came at the site of the injection after the anesthesia wore off.  

However, my anxiety had increased noticeably after my two most recent major procedures: my original root canal on Nov. 15, as well as the prep work Sept. 13 to replace a crown (the procedure that seemed to have started the whole ordeal on tooth #19). Sure, I had endured both of those, but I recalled some extremely tense moments.
Unfortunately, I continued to have pain after the root canal, and after several follow-up visits to my dentist, I was referred to an endodontist. During my consultation Tuesday, the endodontist quickly ascertained that the dentist, with his level of equipment, had failed to get all of my damaged roots treated and sealed. He said I needed more root canal work on the same tooth. He explained it in such a way that it seemed like the right thing to do.

The only dilemma: I would have to go through that again.
I kept thinking back to the previous experience. I remembered hearing the dentist react to various "surprises" that caused it to take much longer than he expected. I recalled how tense I felt, wondering if it was ever going to end, and how uncomfortable so much of the procedure was. I hadn't panicked, but I came closer than ever before. But I made it through.

Could I do it again? 

One thing that added to my angst was that the endodontist said he would have to drill through the crown. In the overall scheme of things, I'm not sure why that concerned me so much.  But my mind kept sticking on him saying that. And when my active mind gets stuck thinking about something, I'm using headed for trouble!
I had contemplated using nitrous oxide during dental work in the past, but the truth is, at those times I had about as much anxiety about the gas as I did the dental work itself. 
I know the stereotype is that it's all fun and games and makes everything wonderful. But my gut instinct was skepticism. The added cost, which my research showed me might be as much as $90, added to my reluctance to try it.
I figured I could discuss it when I got to my appointment at 8 the next morning (today, Wednesday). I found out it would cost $100. I was talked through the process and decided to go for it. I could call it a gift to myself. Or maybe research.

Although I didn't know what to expect, I'm pretty sure it didn't go at all like I expected. And yet, without a doubt, I am glad I chose to go for the gas. 
Because .... 
As I wrote in a text when I was finished but before I drove home: "If I had not had gas I think I would be dead. Done now but may wait to drive." Yes, that was an exaggeration. I wouldn't have died. But I would not have been good. 

Among other things, it was harder for the endodontist to drill through the crown than he expected. (As he was trying, and while I was wondering if the gas was going to start working, I heard him say it took a record number of burrs/cutters to get through it.) And then at some point, I heard him say later, the crown popped off.
Afterward, he said what he found when then crown came off was very little tooth structure. After doing the root canal work, he had to build up the tooth and add metal posts to support the crown. He marveled that the dentist had been able to get the crown to stay on.
He assured me it's fixed now. But if anything goes wrong now, the tooth will need to be extracted. I asked what I can do to prevent that? "Be gentle," he said.
So, the visit to the endodontist was no laughing matter. As for the gas, I'm not sure what I think of the experience. I still felt some tension and discomfort (not relaxed!), especially in the first 30 minutes or so and a few times in between. But considering the whole process took more than 2 hours, I think I would have been in a world of hurt -- or at least major mental distress -- without it. I think I have no awareness of what was going on for about an hour. Some of the times I had awareness had the sense of observing from outside my body. Through it all I heard classic rock music, for which I was grateful. (I hope this doesn't forever taint my enjoyment of the tunes of the Eagles, Bob Seger, Rod Stewart, Fleetwood Mac and others that accompanied me on this strange journey.)  I was aware at various times of the endodontist talking about the surprises he had encountered, such as how hard it was to get through the crown, and what was revealed later when the crown popped off!! 
He seemed confident he got it all taken care of. I hope and pray and have little doubt he is correct. In other words, I believe him. 
Now I'm just dealing with the post-procedure discomfort, especially the FOUR or FIVE places where local anethesia were injected. I'm grateful for strong pain reliever and that I didn't have a job to go to. And I'm grateful that little trip is over.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Maybe tomorrow

Sweet music of life.

I MUST SING! So why don't I?

I thought these words from my First 15 devotion this morning would get me back on track:  

But you have a choice today. A radical life of wholehearted love for God awaits you. It’s waiting for you right now. It doesn’t mean you have to pack your bags and head out on the mission field. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to lead someone to Jesus today. It could be as simple as opening your heart fully to God and allowing him to fill you with his love to overflowing. Commit your life to him in full surrender today. Respond to his leadership with a continual “yes” in your heart. Give yourself to him completely that your life would be marked by a wholehearted pursuit of the perfect, pleasing and powerful plans of your heavenly Father. .... 

... Now ask God to reveal to you how he wants you to live wholeheartedly today. He has a plan each day for you; one that will give you joy, passion, and peace on a whole new level you’ve yet to experience. There’s more for you everyday. 

... Ask the Spirit to help you live the life God has shown you. Ask him to fill you with a desire to be obedient and wholehearted in response to God’s love. Ask him to help you be aware of what he’s speaking to you and to walk in full obedience to it. Take time to rest in the presence of God.

I wrote down four people I would like to reach out to and truly thought this would lead me to visit at least one of the four, all of whom have been in my prayers. One is a person I want to sing to. But at the end of the day, I hadn't even called one person or sent a card, much less gone to visit. Maybe tomorrow.

I did sing around the house. But that's like hiding a lamp under a basket. What good does it do? Well, maybe it did a little good, as it brought songs to mind. And singing does take practice. I haven't been doing much lately.

Maybe tomorrow .... 




Friday, January 13, 2017

Well-now

I've been wanting to write that I'm well now, but even though most of my cold symptoms are gone, discomfort remains that makes that seem less than honest. 

The pain on the left side of my face is from a troublesome tooth and possibly sinuses. I've been referred to an endodontist and hope to have answers soon, even as I doubt I will like those answers. Possible treatments mentioned by the dentist include perhaps another root canal, or maybe have the tooth pulled and replaced with an implant. None of that seems desirable to me, but neither is this nagging pain. 

As much as anything, the toothache and facial discomfort are just one more area where I continue to work through a process. I remain confident the various steps involving fairly minor health issues and use of my time will be resolved in positive ways. I am grateful for circumstances that include the resources I need to be patient. 

Friday, January 6, 2017

Sick-sense

I thought I seldom was sick with a real cold. The truth is I seldom took off work because I was sick with a cold.  It didn't mean I wasn't really sick. 

So, while I find myself wondering why I'm sick more now that I'm not working, the truth comes out: I'm not sick more. I'm just acknowledging it more.

The latest round of symptoms became apparent Monday. Even as I tried to deny it might be a cold, I got extra rest and took some over-the-counter meds. Despite my husband's concerns, I thought I felt good enough to go to choir practice by Wednesday night. But not long into the rehearsal, I was aware that I didn't feel that great. And adding to my discomfort was the realization I was probably spreading cold germs, even as I tried not to breathe on or touch anyone. 

So I canceled two appointments for Thursday. Now it's Friday, and I feel quite a bit better. I'm also glad I don't have to get out in the snow and go to work or anywhere else. Something I wanted to attend Saturday was canceled due to the weather. So maybe I'll really be well by Sunday!!

I hope somehow taking better care of myself -- resting, not going out -- when sick helps me be healthier in the long run. Right now, the verdict is still out on that, given that I've had two rounds of a cold in about a month despite this more conscientious approach. But I will remain optimistic and keep trying to make healthy, wholesome choices, even when that means missing things I really would like to do.  

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Ready

It's time. 2017. 

Today is New Year's Day, the holiday. Since New Year's is on Sunday, Monday is a holiday for many of the people who have jobs. 

But I've been on pretty much a vacation since Oct. 17, so I don't think I want to wait another day to get started on some important work. 

Nothing changes if nothing changes. 

If I really want to do something, I will find I way. If I don't want to do something, I will find an excuse. 

Starting tomorrow! (Ha!)

Guided by Scripture and prayer, along with expertise of professionals in my areas of need, and supported by family and friends. 


“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” —Jeremiah 29:11

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well." 
-- Matthew 6:33

"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

-- Psalm 139:23-24