Renewed hope

I really wanted to end April with a blog post. I am at a loss for words. 

Life is good. It’s ok that I’m tired. I’ve been on the go and even now am four hours from home, at the start of a week in the East Texas areas around Lake Fork. 

That’s just one day after I got home to Norman from a weekend in Dallas. 

Many opportunities came up in April. Some turned out better than others. And many won’t be completed until mid to late May. 

As a result of Easter and the Dallas event I attended, I have renewed hope for positive outcomes, as I take each day as it comes, praying to God for guidance and trusting Him to provide it. And letting God be God, meaning I will trust Him with results. 

And I will seek His forgiveness when I fall short through selfishness, greed, dishonesty or fear. I will seek to make amends as needed. 

I will seek to be kind, loving, helpful, gracious and grateful. And patient. 

These changes won’t occur overnight. Sometimes I wonder if they will ever become my normal. 

I don’t have to know. 

I’m just grateful to have renewed hope through growing faith and willingness to act and trust God with results. 

Hallelujah! It’s time for me to RISE

In recent years, a highlight of my Easter has been singing the Hallelujah Chorus with my church's choir at the end of the worship service. The words, the harmonies and the accompaniment lift my heart and spirit toward heaven.

I knew we would not be singing it this year, and I felt sad and disappointed.  It didn't help that the song we were singing instead ("I Will Rise") has a rhythm that is difficult for me. I found myself focusing so much on the rhythm and my disappointment that I couldn't even contemplate the words.

After choir practice Wednesday, I realized part of my problem was that I was letting my disappointment keep me from moving forward. In many areas of my life, I've seen how when I trust God with changes -- and when I trust God with my disappointments -- I can move forward and usually learn lessons and receive blessings. So that's what I prayed for willingness to do. Accept that this is what we would be singing and do my best to learn it.

As I began to practice by listening to and singing along with a recording of the anthem, I focused on the words and could see how God might use them to move me from basking in the Scriptural truths proclaimed in Hallelujah! (The kingdom of our Lord has begun and He shall reign forever) to responding! "Jesus has overcome, and the grave is overwhelmed ... I will rise, when He calls my name. No more sorrow, no more shame."

I will rise!

Because of Jesus' life on earth followed by His death and resurrection, I can rise above whatever is holding me back.

Not only do I have the promise of life after death, I can rise when He calls my name and be part of heaven on earth.

Adventures in being me

One of my key struggles in life involves overcoming selfishness, self-centeredness, fear of missing out/being left out and replacing that with trust in God -- trusting that, as I walk with God, what I have, do or am is enough.

I face the dilemma daily, throughout the day.

God's will versus my will.

Trying to control what I do so I can get what I think i want or need.

Sometimes it seems to work, perhaps just enough to keep me doing it.

More and more, I'm seeing that it doesn't work.

Most recently:

Palm Sunday morning, I was cranky and unfulfilled at church. The music and worship was not lifting my heart to God nor was it satisfying me. Everything seemed to be a struggle. I found myself being critical, having to bite my tongue again and again not to express aloud my frustration.

On the way to a weekly prayer meeting Monday morning, I did a quick check of Instagram and learned that while I was out of sorts Sunday morning at Goodrich, my favorite Christian recording artists had been featured for the full hour of worship across town at First Baptist Church.

I felt crushed, sad, disappointed, even resentful -- because I would have thought some people would have let me know. (This is the group with Norman ties that I've written lots of stories about, as recently as last summer. "I thought they were friends," I heard me telling myself. I feel a bit betrayed -- not unlike how I felt when the outdoor editor, a friend, let an awful headline run atop a story, with my byline, about the company for whom my husband works.)

I quickly turned on my phone's voice memo, to record my angst as I cried out to God for understanding, forgiveness and help.

"I guess it wasn't my assignment. So while I was being critical and unhappy and unfulfilled at Goodrich, Point of Grace was singing at First Baptist Church in Norman with orchestra, da da da da da. So God, I just want to trust you, that it wasn't my assignment. I need to trust You, with my fear of missing out. I'm OK. God, you are God. You are God. I want You to be Lord of my life. I trust You.

I'm meant for little things. Or things that look little to me.

Help me be OK with that.

Some things will never make sense, and that's OK.  It's actually better when they don't make sense, and I just trust -- trust, trust, trust You.

I kind of asked if they would be there, and I guess I could have done more. And I didn't. So I just have to trust that that wasn't my assignment. I wasn't meant to be there.

Oh Lord. (sigh)

Lord, help me know what you would have me do. And help me do it. To Your glory. Your glory, Lord.

Thank you. I love you. I trust you. I praise You. I seek You. Help me to obey You. In Christ's name I pray. Amen.

By Tuesday afternoon, I still hadn't let go. At a routine doctor's appointment, we talked some about my FOMO and how that has often fueled anxieties and attempts to control. And how my default response when things don't go my way is to get frustrated with myself, to turn criticism and blame on myself. "If only I were different .... better" .... these things would turn out how I want them to.

I've been praying about my selfishness, self-centeredness and fear. And here it was again, all wrapped up in this one example.

I was figuratively kicking myself for not checking the website or Facebook page of First Baptist Church, which quickly would have informed me Point of Grace was singing there for the whole service Palm Sunday. It would have been so easy. I may have even thought of it. So why didn't I check? Not long after that, I saw I had received a "bandsintown" email, that I had not bothered to open while we were in Washington, DC., that announced Point of Grace would be singing at the Norman church.

That's where the idea is strengthened that it wasn't my assignment. I've seen times when, out of the blue, the thought occurs to do something that normally would not have entered my mind or seemed possible, but turns out to be just the right thing. Singing with my mom and sister in the choir at their church in Gainesville at Christmas comes to mind. I give God the credit when those things happen. And in this year, this season, this month of my life, I can see how that is what happened here. I was supposed to be at Goodrich, not where Point of Grace was singing. God wanted me at Goodrich.

So if I want to be mad or frustrated at someone, maybe that should be directed to God. Of course, I'm not comfortable with that. I'm more comfortable with directing it at myself.

When I listened to my audio memo Tuesday, I could hear my voice cracking with emotion. I was clearly on the verge of tears. When I looked at the FBC Facebook page while writing and saw how actively they had promoted Point of Grace, at least among the church's members, the emotion welled back up.

How many times am I going to go through this?

Things that I have invested quite a bit of time and energy and passion into -- whether as a reporter, a friend, a supporter, a fan, a member -- bring disappointment, discouragement and confusion.

Here I am again, questioning what is important. What is my purpose? What matters?

When I sat down to write on Tuesday, the thought that had just crossed my mind was something like this: I have to let go. This struggle won't end until I let go.

It's not that God is mean or punishing me or testing me. It's just the way it is. (There's probably a better explanation, that shows how it's the way it is because of God's love, but I can't think of it right now, nor does it really matter whether I know the reason.)

Part of letting go is stepping out in faith to do those things that come to mind to help others. It's my thinking that ALWAYS gets in the way. I start thinking, wondering, worrying about how it will work out without me getting overwhelmed or tired or some other discomfort or messing up or missing out on something else.

That's why, when I read a selection in 12 Step recovery literature where the writer suggested, when faced with a problem, to "Think, Pray, Act," the realization that came to me was my thinking gets in the way. I'm better to Pray, Trust, Act, or possibly: Pray. Act. Trust.

Tuesday afternoon, I planned to visit some people in the hospital after my doctor's appointment. But when I started thinking, I couldn't figure out how to arrange it all. So I went home and ate lunch. And then I started writing. Those are both important things, and the day probably unfolded exactly as it should have. Time seems to be bearing that out.

As I read back through this, when I got to the part about maybe my anger or frustration should be directed at God, the word "Acceptance" came to mind.

Acknowledge my sadness and disappointment, even my confusion. Sit with the feelings a while. But not too long. Then let them go. Trust that God is in control and that God loves me and knows I love Him, and He is working to make whatever I do, no matter how lame it seems to me, better, as I seek to take one step after another in partnership with Him.

Accept that "nothing, absolutely happens in God's world by mistake." 

Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today. (Starting with accepting that God is God and I am not, and nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.)

... never just sit and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do.

... do whatever is in front of me to be done ... leave the results up to Him; however it turns out, that's God's will for me. (Italicized passages from the "Big Book" of Alcoholic Anonymous.)

Do I believe this? Here I go thinking again. Let me not overthink it. Yes, I believe this. I can say I believe this. 


That was Tuesday. Now it's Saturday night. The day between the sadness of Christ's Crucifixion remembered on Good Friday and the joy of Christ's resurrection celebrated on Easter Sunday. 


I am aware that I've spent more time reading, meditating on and even studying the Bible these 40 days (not counting Sundays) of Lent, leading up to Easter, than I have during any other time in my life. I can't say that I feel greater peace in my life. I do have a stronger hope that an important transformation can occur that will enable me to live my faith -- faith in the Resurrected Christ  -- in humble service to the glory of God. 

Adventures in traveling

My most recent trip was quite an adventure in traveling.

Knowing I would be in Washington DC on a Monday through Friday with no obligations other than tourism and sight-seeing, I toyed with the idea of trying to pack everything I needed in my carry-on luggage. That's quite a challenge for me, so my husband agreed it would be fine to check a bag.

Now, travels much more than I do and seldom checks a bag. He has his system down of when to get to the airport in plenty of time, without wasting time at the airport. Even when we've traveled together, we've never had any trouble when we chose to check a bag.

Until this trip.

Our nonstop flight was scheduled to leave at 7. Boarding is 30 minutes before that. We got to the baggage check kiosk about 6:15, and when my husband typed in our flight information, we learned it was too late to check a bag. Others in the line faced the same dilemma. When we made it up to the counter for help, about all the agent would say is you're supposed to get to the airport two hours before departure. Yes, we know that. It just never seemed necessary.

So, what do you do when your flight is about to leave and your luggage can't go with you? By time we could consider putting the luggage on a later flight, it was too late for us to catch our nonstop. The agent's first option for us was the expensive prospect of rebooking.  Nope, we weren't going to do that. So, she checked opportunities for flying standby. A couple looked promising. We agreed on an itinerary with a connection in Charlotte, NC, and sent our bag on its way. We headed home for three or four hours before returning to catch our new flight.

Frustrating as it was to miss the nonstop (the reason for which I accepted full responsibility), I was glad it would only cost us half a day of sightseeing. Instead of arriving about 10:30 a.m. in DC, we were to get there about 8:30 p.m. That would still be plenty of time for a good night's rest before starting the sightseeing on Tuesday.

Unfortunately, we didn't get to DC at 8:30. First weather delays in Charlotte and then a mechanical issue pushed our second flight's departure back three hours. So it was after midnight before we got checked into our hotel in Alexandria. So much for a restful night.

Even though I started Tuesday tired and never really retrieved a sense of rest, I enjoyed touring Mount Vernon on Tuesday, the taking the Metro (via an eight-tenths mile from the hotel to the station) to the Capitol area Wednesday and Thursday while my husband was in meetings. Friday, we took Uber to the Newseum before returning to the hotel via Metro (and that .8-mile walk) to retrieve our luggage and catch the shuttle to the airport!

I learned that I enjoy leisurely paced touring much more than trying to pack a lot of viewing into a limited time. Spending several hours taking in the history and nature of Mount Vernon was quite appealing, as was my day spent exploring outdoor monuments, art and gardens around the National Mall and Tidal Basin.

Less enjoyable to me was time in museums, Museum of the Bible on Thursday and the Newseum on Friday. There's just too much to see and not enough time. I hope I can remember that the next time I am interested in visiting a museum. I may need to allow more time than most people. If I don't need it all, then I can find plenty to walk and see outside. The thing I learned about me is that if there's too much to see and I feel rushed, I really don't remember anything of value.


The DC trip ended up offering several opportunities to experience the pitfalls of not planning ahead. It was still a good trip. I learned a lot about myself. And I learned more about Washington. I'm ready for another trip!

No such thing as unplanned

Song: "There's no such thing as unplanned."

I say, yes, because even failure to plan is a plan, whether we want to admit it or not.

Not everything may be according to God's perfect plan.

God is working all things for good for those who seek Him and trust Him.

I believe that even when things go awry due to the plan of people not to plan, God still works to bring about good results.

No fooling

Looking back through my posts in March, I see a theme: Trust God.

Based on the first day of a new month, I'm predicting the theme for April will be grace.

January may have been opportunity, and February seemed to be filled with new things.

Looking back, I also saw one endeavor I started with high hopes and apparently let fall to the wayside almost immediately. Fortunately, I have followed through better with several other endeavors and disciplines.

God's grace has helped me not to get discouraged and give up.

This month, I'm hoping I can begin to be more gracious in my response to others. Time will tell how well that works.