God is at work, Part 4

This could have had any number of titles and subtitles.

One of my catchphrases, "God is at work," came back to me powerfully after church Sunday. It's a term I began using as a focal point a year or so ago (May 2016), during a time when I was seeing God move in my life despite my efforts to resist.

It's definitely happening again. The first subtitle possibility that came to mind was the one from last year: "Resistance is futile." But just as accurate this year is "Sit back, watch and learn."

Lots of Scriptures also came to mind. The one that fits the best is probably Proverbs 3:5-6 -- "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Or maybe Isaiah 55:8 -- " 'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord."

For close to a year, I've been praying for clear direction on God's will and purpose for my life. And I've remained mostly confounded, even as I've continued to, as faithfully and cheerfully as possible, follow where I've felt God is leading.

Recent weeks through Sunday have brought some cool examples of God at work in my life.

One involved that whole adventure of trying again to write for pay and publication. It proved I am still a writer. It also showed me that if I'm going to pursue that passion, I must trust God to help me find a healthier way to do it.

The writing adventure also helped me see that, at this point in my life, writing may be one of my passions, but it cannot be my priority. Unlike when I had a job as a journalist, now writing really is secondary to other responsibilities, including projects around the house and for and with my husband.

This past weekend helped me see that so many of the things I, with my "perfectionistic tendencies,"  fret over really don't matter. God is at work, and God is in charge!

A prime example involved trying to decide how best to spend my time. I wanted to attend three events involving Point of Grace: the Friday night concert in Ponca City, more than two hours from my Norman home; a private event involving the Crossings Community Church music ministry on Saturday night (nearly an hour away in northwest Oklahoma City); and the Sunday night concert at Crossings.

I also wanted to attend a block party my church in Norman was hosting Sunday night.

I wanted to do it all. It was clear I couldn't do it all. I wanted to attend the Point of Grace concerts with friends, but I couldn't find anyone to go with me. Part of why I love Point of Grace is the singers are all about faith, family and friends. I long to be part of the "Circle of Friends" they sing about. But the reality is I would be going to the events alone. And even in a hall with hundreds of people, I can isolate.

I had wrangled an invitation to the Crossings choir event on Saturday, but then had second thoughts about going, for three reasons. First, I doubted I would fit in, even though I had been invited. Second, after having driven more than four hours Friday evening, I didn't look forward to two more hours driving Saturday. Third, I wasn't sure I would be finished with things I needed to do Saturday in time to go.

Praying about it Saturday morning, I realized I didn't have to decide early if I wasn't going to go to the choir event. I could see how the day unfolded. So, I went to my 12-step meeting, then I went to the animal sanctuary to pet the kitties and leave a donation, something I had not done for several weeks and really needed and wanted to do.

Then I started working on a review of Friday's concert. The writing was going amazingly well for me, but I was aware that time was ticking away, and I needed to make a decision about going to the event that night. About 3 p.m., I prayerfully sent a text to my host, saying I realized I would not be able to make it, but I looked forward to seeing him Sunday night. I kept working on my review and submitted it a little before 5 p.m.

At that time, I had not heard back from my host, and I was starting to worry he hadn't gotten my text and would think I didn't show up without letting him now. A few minutes later, I got a text from him, saying he understood about Saturday. He added he would not be there Sunday, because the church leadership was making a quick trip out of town, leaving after church.

I can't put into words how I felt at that moment. Of all the possible scenarios I had come up with as I tried to decide when I needed to be where to get my maximum amount of joy and satisfaction -- wait, I mean be of maximum use to God! -- this was nowhere to be found. I wanted to change my mind, say, "You know what, I just realized I can make it!" (Because at that time, I actually could, since the review was written.)

But I was so surprised by the turn of events that I just decided it was meant to be that way. And given what happened next, I still think that's true, even though I hate that I missed seeing the choir director interact with the members of Point of Grace, with whom he had attended college.

What I did instead was head to my front room to work on a dreaded and overwhelming task of purging years of stored treasures and junk.

Sunday, I awoke realizing I had another unresolved choice. Would I go to the second Point of Grace concert or would I go to my church's block party? Almost stubbornly, I was pretty sure I would go to the concert. But the energy and excitement at my church during morning worship turned my thinking to the possibility I could do both. I would go to Oklahoma City for the first part of the concert and leave after an hour, which would get me back to Norman at least in time to help with cleanup.

So I went to the concert. But when it was 7 o'clock, I stayed rather than leave, even as I was overwhelmed with feelings of not being part of that elusive "circle of friends."

Since then, I've been pretty comfortable with how things turned out, which is amazing for me, considering how much time I spent during the weekend going over the possibilities before and after I made decisions, and when the circumstances changed. (For a time on Sunday, I felt certain that if I could do it over again, knowing what I knew then, I would have done things differently.)

I decided to trust that God gave me the information and insight when He wanted me to have it. I used that information to make decisions. I am more aware now how self-serving some of the decisions were, but I can't change the past.

Here's what I think God is really trying to teach me, and I see it more clearly right now: It doesn't matter which thing I choose. Just don't worry so much about it. Pray, decide and act. Pray, trust and obey. (Maybe that should be: pray, obey and trust!)


So I continue to live and, hopefully, learn -- including to be less resistant as God shows me what He's going to do!

Present imperfect pursuit

My recent pursuit of writing for pay and publication highlighted my plague of perfectionism.

So what am I doing about it?

I've identified some of the sources and manifestations of what I call my "perfectionistic tendencies." Now the trick will be to break some longstanding and ingrained habits.

Among the sources: I don't want to disappoint people. I don't want to be disappointed. I don't want to embarrass myself or others. I hate it when people react negatively to what I say or do or what I fail to do. I hate it when I fail to do things that I think are important as well as I think they deserve to be done. I know some things won't get done like I think they should be done unless I do them, even though it often takes me a long time.

The manifestations include: I try so hard to figure out the right thing to do that sometimes I can't even get started. When I do get started, I am very slow, because I want every word to be right, because I don't trust others to fix my mistakes. Even when I finish something, I often have self-doubt and keep trying to think of a better way. Self-doubt can keep me from enjoying what to almost anyone else would appear to be a job well done.

An interesting finding has been that some of the same people who discourage me from being a perfectionist react negatively when I'm not perfect! As much as I don't like that reality, it has been helpful for me to be aware of it.

Among the solutions: I've been able to embrace the truth and power of some slogans and prayers I've known for a long time but maybe have just given lip service, such as "Is it worth it?" (or, "What's it worth?), "let go and let God" and "progress not perfection." I'm seeing some success with setting time boundaries, whether on a writing project or making a difficult decision. Examining my options has helped with decision-making, as has realizing that in many situations I can change my mind.

The Serenity Prayer also comes to mind: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference."

I've practiced it this week in decision-making, with mixed but overall positive results, as I continue to learn from less-than-optimal outcomes.

And I practiced it today in writing a concert review. When I reached a stopping point, I sincerely wanted to keep working on it, knowing it could be better. But I let it go -- submitted it -- and now it has been published. (If you want to read it, you can click here: Point of Grace concert review)

Letting go of a project or decision before I'm "ready" leaves me feeling vulnerable. But I detect a bit of a positive sensation as well. I'm hopeful I can build on that.

These Scriptures and this quote from Craig Denison in his recent First15.org post continue to provide guidance for me regarding perfectionism:

"Along with freeing others from the expectation of perfection, if we will offer ourselves the same grace and mercy that our heavenly Father does, we will experience new levels of joy and freedom. While God has offered us a path to total freedom from sin, he has the fullness of compassion for our weaknesses. Don’t strive for perfection in your works, but instead pursue a deeper relationship with the God of love and grace. You weren’t created to live perfectly in your own strength, but to know the love of the Father and allow him to empower you for the life to which you have been called. May you free yourself from the burden of perfection today and pursue greater intimacy with your heavenly Father."

“Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.” Ecclesiastes 7:20

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23

God answers my prayers

After praying and posting my writer's lament, I went to bed. I don't remember how well I slept, but I know what was still on my mind when I awoke: I thought it would be different this time. Better. A positive experience. Instead it's the same. Or worse. Probably seems worse because I had such high hopes. But I didn't think I had high hopes. I thought I had realistic expectations. 

Fortunately, I confronted these thoughts with Scripture and a devotional reading. Again, my go-to was Jesus Calling, where these were the Bible readings for the day:

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. 
—Isaiah 40:31

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. 
—Psalm 27:4

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 
—Philippians 4:8

That was a major step toward what I hope and pray continues to be freedom from some of my self-doubt and struggles.

But I think the bigger key to the door of freedom came later that Wednesday when friends lovingly but directly helped me face truth in a word: Perfectionism.

And before I knew it, my daily spiritual readings and Bible verses were reinforcing that truth.

Jesus Calling: "Anticipate coming face to face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you—the best place to encounter Me in My Glory and Power. When you see armies of problems marching toward you, cry out to Me! Allow Me to fight for you. Watch Me working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of My Almighty Presence."

Yet man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward. 
—Job 5:7

After this I heard what sounded like the roar of a great multitude in heaven shouting: “Hallelujah! Salvation and glory and power belong to our God.” 
—Revelation 19:1

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 
—Psalm 91:1

But what really helped me was Friday's focus from First15.org.  The subject was forgiving others and not expecting them to be perfect. But all the words identified my weakness.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of  God.” Romans 3:23

These were some really helpful words from Craig Denison's commentary: "One of the most vital aspects of offering continual forgiveness is living without expectation of perfection from others. You will never meet a perfect human. All of us suffer from the same sinful, broken condition. And as believers, our lives are a reflection of God’s grace transforming what was once wholly sinful into pictures of his love. Even in this reflection, we will never experience perfection until we pass from this world to the next and live in perfect, uninhibited relationship with our heavenly Father. "Along with freeing others from the expectation of perfection, if we will offer ourselves the same grace and mercy that our heavenly Father does, we will experience new levels of joy and freedom. While God has offered us a path to total freedom from sin, he has the fullness of compassion for our weaknesses. Don’t strive for perfection in your works, but instead pursue a deeper relationship with the God of love and grace. You weren’t created to live perfectly in your own strength, but to know the love of the Father and allow him to empower you for the life to which you have been called. May you free yourself from the burden of perfection today and pursue greater intimacy with your heavenly Father." “Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.” Ecclesiastes 7:20 “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23 Author's note: I guess I should mention that I did complete the writing project that caused so much lamentation. The main story on Christian vocal quartet Point of Grace was published Aug. 19 in the print and online editions of The Oklahoman. A related piece was published online only, on the Faith & Values blog at NewsOK.com.   Point of Grace story   Point of Grace sidebar

A writer's lament

Lord, am I not a writer anymore? After this latest attempt, I think I’m ready to give it up.

That was the start of my prayer late one recent night.

The struggles I was experiencing felt too much  like all the reasons I had quit writing for compensation.

I had really thought that — without the demands of a full-time job as a writer or editor and with the help of some therapeutic and behavioral changes — this would be a more positive experience. 

I did not think I would be up to my deadline and still drowning in an unorganized mess of information, while still lacking details I would have liked to have included.

And yet: Here I was again.

Lord, I know You are with me. Your love and presence surround me. I am grateful for that, even as I don’t understand why this is going the way it’s going. 

Is this how You need it to be for me to learn something or grow in some way: in grace or understanding, or humility, or some other way? 

Or is the struggle really all on me — my fault for being stubborn and undisciplined and disorganized and set in my ways and unwilling (rather than unable) to learn better methods?

Lord, I thank You for Your presence. I know You are with me. I trust You. And I trust You to be with Gene, who I  fear is distressed by my struggle.

God, I feel sad, disappointed, ashamed. Confounded. Dumb. Embarrassed. Defective. Flawed. Afraid.

"TRULY: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? What made me think I would be able to write this story? Lord, I thought You put it on my heart. Was I wrong? Is this all in Your plan, or are You having to work around my stubbornness?

Even so, Lord, I am striving to trust in You with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. Show me where I am not properly acknowledging You, that You may make my path straight.

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.^[a]

Proverbs 3:5-6 New International Version 

(OK, I just saw that this version uses the word “submit.” That’s probably the key. But how? Show me, Lord. I cannot do it without You. Please get me out of the way, I pray, that You may be glorified.)

------

To be continued ....

A better approach?

I'm always looking for answers. But it seems I typically fail to start by stopping long enough to figure out what the questions are. Or, when I find what seem to be answers, I move on to another question rather than embrace the answer.

Most recently: In trying to figure out why I continue to struggle with writing, I determined that I'm more of an information gatherer and sharer than a story teller.

Seems story tellers get more love and respect than information sharers. 

Story telling doesn't seem to be my calling. 

I need to stay focused on what I'm called to do and be OK with -- embrace and even rejoice in -- that.

I wrote that the morning of Aug. 9, a Wednesday.

But three days later, I had proved my opening statement, concluding that I'm not a very good information sharer, either.

That's when I realized again I still need to do what's hardest for me: SLOW DOWN! LET GO AND LET GOD!!! TRUST GOD!!!

I need to SLOW DOWN!! -- talk less, listen more, experience, observe and feel more.  

Experience more, express less??? At least for a while??

The next day, Sunday, came another insight: I don't have to know how it's going to work out. (But I keep thinking I do have to know, whether it be the story I was struggling with or how best to help my mom when I visited her. LET GO AND LET GOD!!! TRUST GOD!!!)

The approach I decided to take was to go ahead and work some more on the story if the opportunity arose, but to avoid thinking about it over and over in my head, trying to figure it out, when I wasn't working on it. Instead, let go and trust God!!

Holy connections

After missing church two Sundays in a row, I was ready to be back in a pew.

God provided me a cool affirmation that what I called worship last Sunday really was! That's when I spent the morning exploring Ausable Chasm in upstate New York with my husband. I took several moments along the trails and with the splendor of the water falls and beautiful canyon walls and trees as a background to pray and sing praises, including "Holy, Holy, Holy," "How Great Thou Art" and "Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow," a contemporary setting of the Doxology.

My heart rejoiced when I returned to church Sunday and one of the hymns was "Holy, Holy, Holy." And of course we sang our upbeat arrangement of the Doxology.

Not that I really needed affirmation that last Sunday's time was worship, I still enjoyed how God pulled it all together when I returned to church in Oklahoma.

This week:


Holy Holy Holy at Goodrich

Last week:

Holy Holy Holy at Ausable Chasm