A good end to a long month

 I was glad to be able to go fishing with Gene on the beautiful last day of the first month of 2022. Then we went to see mom & her latest amaryllis bloom. 

Grateful & blessed. 

The time was right.

Tonight I tossed the Christmas plants. 

The amaryllis blooms were done. The paperwhites showed no evidence of any more blooms to come. 

I enjoyed the anticipation & wonder of the plants for a full month. I enjoyed taking pictures of their development & sharing them on social media. I had some good conversations with Gene about plants & fungus gnats & bulbs & roots & composting & letting go. 

Reading online that it’s acceptable to just enjoy the plants for a season & then toss them was helpful to me. I don’t know why I think I needed permission. I just did. 

I’m grateful for the experience of growing & enjoying. I’m also a bit relieved to have let them go. It was time.

I hope & pray to know when “it’s time” to let go of the next thing. 

(I realize that I also let go of something else today, realizing it was time. I let the choir director know Sunday is not a good time for me to sing a solo. Making the decision frees my mind to focus on other things. That was also a key reason it was time to let go of the plants — until I did, I would be occasionally thinking about then, wondering when & how I would.)

A s-l-o-w process

Two years ago, a counseling session opened my eyes to the reality that I hang onto things — such as books and my birthday roses long after they die & dry out — for a reason. These things serve a purpose for me. 

The counselor’s reaction to my expression of shame for hanging on to things was unlike anything I had ever experienced. You mean, this doesn’t make me bad or flawed or less than? She assured me it did not. 

She also promised that, in time, I would be willing to let go of things that I no longer need. 

It’s a healing process. It’s a process that requires acknowledging the wound, feeling the hurt, accepting that it won’t go away instantaneously. 

A couple of interesting notes: I did eventually choose to toss out that year’s birthday roses & some books I’d held onto. Somehow tied to this, I started occasionally buying cut flowers at the grocery store, enjoying them for their moment or season, and then letting them go. And now I may be doing it with Christmas plants. 

One thing that I wish is that I knew where to toss them for compost. I guess that’s like wanting to recycle things I’ve finished using. I’m still working on really being OK with tossing something after I have received its value. I guess it still seems selfish and not good stewardship. (Maybe I need to see if the Boundaries book addresses this.)

Later on the day I drafted this post (Thursday, Jan. 20), a trusted friend offered two wise suggestions, neither of which I’ve acted on, although I remain hopeful I will heed them. 

First, she said don’t overthink it. Obviously, I’m still doing it, because I don’t trust my initial thinking. She said just throw out the plants. 

I keep thinking … what if they aren’t done flowering? … they still bring me a certain amount of joy & wonder … it seems wasteful to toss plants that might still have some beauty to show … what if I miss out? … can’t I see that I’m spending too much time thinking about them still? … 

The other thing she said is that if I throw them in the trash, they will be picked up by the trash collector & eventually make their way to the landfill, which could be viewed as a means of composting, going back to the land. Hmmmm. Something to THINK about? But Lord please save me from overthinking.

So far (Saturday), both plants are still in the window. The amaryllis has two new blooms. I had hoped to be ready to let them go by today. It’s still possible although not looking likely. 

Maybe as a result of this process something similar will be easier next time. 

Letting go is hard to do

I was pleasantly surprised to get two more blooms from the amaryllis. 

However, I’ve come to the realization, sadly, that I’m too obsessive-compulsive to grow flowering plants. I spend too much time trying to figure out what to do next. 

Is it hard for anyone else to know what to do with plants when they are finished blooming? 

It just doesn’t seem right to throw them in the trash. 

I think it will be simpler for me to enjoy occasionally buying cut flowers. It’s easier to toss then when they are done.

Meanwhile, my obsession/compulsion also manifests in picture taking & posting. I spend more time than you might think just taking pictures & trying to decide which ones to post!!!

Is it time?

 For everything there is a season …

I’m grateful to realize it may be time to let go of the plants we brought home after Christmas with my family. 

If I can follow through with this today, I’m hopeful it will be a step toward letting go of other things that have served their purpose. 

I’ve built a lifelong habit of hanging on to things long past their season. 

I’m still learning how to know which things are worth keeping for sentimental reasons or for valuable ties to the past; for helpful information they contain. 

It is a process. It’s a slow process for me. I’m grateful for each step of progress. 

May letting go of these living creations be a worthy part of the journey. 

Cold reality

I can’t express how grateful I am that I could take it easy & rest while experiencing cold symptoms. I wish I could say that doing so causes a cold to pass more quickly. I don’t think it does. 

I’m also very grateful for a supportive & caring husband; a warm home; hot soup; and telephone & internet connections with family & worship services. 

Amazement!

Apparently, I let the chilly atmosphere & some time management issues keep me from seeing THE MOST AMAZING SUNSET EVER!!! 

Usually I remember to at least look out my kitchen window when I return home before sunset, just in case it becomes spectacular. This time I got busy & distracted — plus my phone died. 

Fortunately, when I turned my charged phone back on after dinner, I saw that EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW took & shared great pictures. 

I grabbed a screen shot of a set of Kimbra’s as evidence of what I missed!

(And at least I got to pet my friendly neighborhood kitty friend! Plus, my Cypress Lake pre-sunset pix would have looked pretty good most other nights!!)

 #oklahomasunset #missedagoodone #allisgood #godshandiwork #inallthingsgivethanks #addictedtosunsets #sunsetaddict

(Almost as amazing as the sunset is that I’m not beating myself up over missing it. For whatever reason, that’s often been my reaction. Not today. I’m grateful for a healthier response. And amazed!)

Brave new me (by God’s grace)

So, I just did a thing today that I normally would stop myself from doing. 

I posted a comment on a newspaper website (Oklahoman.com) regarding sports columnist Berry Tramel’s piece about OK State football coach Mike Gundy saying the Cowboys can make it to the “blue blood” level with lots more funding. 

Pat_g wrote: “Someday, someway, someone needs to buck the trend that the only way to reach the next level (in sports or anything else) is to ask for more money. There’s already too much money involved in sports. (How’s that working for the Dallas Cowboys & the Texas Aggies?) I know it takes money to support a strong program. I’m not as sure it takes as much money as some programs want to throw at it. Keep doing the right things the right way. Sure, keep communicating the need for financial support & keep showing love for the support. Just be careful not to let the financial aspect become the most dominant focus.”

I thought long & hard & said a prayer before hitting “submit.” 

This follows yesterday’s social media plea to know why I hadn’t seen any posts from my churches, encouraging us to start the year with Sunday worship despite the cold. 

Less public but also new for me, before the newspaper comment today, I responded to the daily email from the Denison Forum: 

“As I read [what was written] about naming things, this occurred to me: Is it possible we name things to establish a relationship or connection, rather than as an act of power? That makes more sense to me in some cases. It helps make sense of why we want to know our friends’s names, etc. The thought came to mind as I read the sentence about Davy Crockett’s rifle. I think I & many of my friends name our pets or cars or phones or whatever because we relate to them as companions or friends. Thank you for your fresh insights, as always. Blessings & peace. Pat Gilliland”

I think all three are responses to something I read in one of my many new reading plans, books & journals on Saturday, the first day of 2022. Something about not being afraid to use my gifts. Somehow interpreting that to mean use my voice. 

Key aspect: Don’t be afraid. 

Don’t be afraid to try.  

Don’t be afraid to explore.

Don’t be afraid to make a mistake.

Key aspect: Be willing. 

Be willing to try. 

Be willing to explore. 

Be willing to trust God. 

Be willing to learn. 

Be willing to receive grace. 

Be willing to forgive. 

Be willing to make amends. 

Be willing to trust God. 

BE WILLING TO TRUST GOD!

Blessed by covenant renewal & communion

 I’m very grateful I reached out on social media for encouragement & made the decision to attend worship in person. Remembering it was Communion Sunday & the Covenant Renewal service helped sway me.

My original post: 

Who’s going to church this frigid first Sunday of 2022? I haven’t seen any social media posts from Goodrich or Whaley encouraging me to rise & shine & gather in person to give God the glory. Today may be a great day to give extra thanks for live-streaming & for the leaders & volunteers who make it possible. @goodrichmumc @whaley_church

Anticipation & wonder

I seem happier when I find things to express & share on social media. For better or worse, it is true. So I was uplifted by posting photos of my blooming ziva paperwhites a few minutes ago. 

The post mentioned the anticipation & wonder of a new year or day or project — or a budding plant. 

I’ve tried to avoid having expectations this New Year’s Day. I’ve tried to keep my focus on God, to let Him lead & guide. Trusting Him to help me explore & find my way with new year plans & goals & hopes & dreams. I realize the social post may have been an answer to prayer (& also realize lack of a social post would have been an answer too). 

I’ve started several Bible reading plans & at least 2 journals today. Again, I’m trusting God to guide me as I explore & find my way. 

I just realized something else, that I’m surprised I didn’t go social with a post after braving the cold this afternoon to buy groceries. Some days, that would have been automatic. 

A couple of other strong awarenesses:

Gene & I didn’t make a Christmas or New Year’s picture. And it’s ok.

The transition from 2021 to 2022 seems incredibly mundane. More than once since yesterday, I was amazed at how much more exciting things seemed last year. And still, this year’s good news is this: It is OK.

Just for today, I truly believe I’ll know when it’s time to take photos, make decisions, post on social media. So I won’t have to spend time worrying or even wondering. I can reserve the wonder for the amazement & awe as anticipation gives way to new realities, opportunities, creations & experiences.