Monday, December 31, 2018

Wrapping it up

For some reason, I decided to start off New Year’s Eve by reading, among other things, the Dec. 31 entry for a new Bible devotion book I bought two copies of -- one for my mother and one for me to use in 2019.

I was shocked to see it included a typo — a dropped word. And as I continued reading from “Then Sings My Soul,” I found other things I view as punctuation errors in the short passage for the start of the day. (The format includes one version of the Scripture and a meditation in the morning and a different version of the same passage, with another meditation, at night.)

As a longtime journalist and copy editor, now retired following a lay off two years ago, my first thought was to toss this book aside.

My second thought was that it is good for me to be reminded on the last day of the year that none of us on earth is perfect. 

In some ways, I think it’s better I get that reminder today than tomorrow or Jan. 5 or for the first time with this compilation next Dec. 31. 

Exposed is my tendency to want to wrap up one year or day or month or project with a tidy bow and to start the new one with perfection as well. 

And that’s not how my life works. 

I don't get to be perfect.

I get to pray. I get to respond with faith or fear -- affirmative action or paralyzing procrastination. The actions I take or avoid have consequences, for good or bad.

When I pray for guidance, I can trust God to respond. Even when the way does not seem clear or my response seems less than adequate, I can trust that God is with me and allowing me to learn and grow as I continue to seek His guidance and strength, to His glory.

I can strive for excellence. I need to accept the results that come, trusting that God is in charge, that He loves me, and that His plans for me are good.

Meanwhile, I noticed the Dec. 31 reading from one of my 12-step books also has a typo. I’m sure I notice it every year. And yet I must always forget, because it seems as if this is the first time I’ve seen it.

That makes me think of Lamentations 3:22-23, one of my beloved Scriptures (and soul songs):

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, 
His mercies are new every morning;
great is Thy faithfulness.

One day at a time. I don't get to be perfect. Morning by morning, day by day, month by month, year by year ... new mercies I see.

New opportunities I see. New songs. New hope. New lessons. New blessings.

This is not how I planned to wrap up my year with my blog. I wanted to look back through the year and review the highlights. I know there were some great moments, along with some disappointments.

I wanted to follow that review with setting goals or claiming some truths on which to build a foundation for 2019.

So, now what?

How about I close out 2018 with The Lord's Prayer:
Our Father who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
[For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.]
Amen.

Source: the litany section of the U.S. Book of Common Prayer, 1928 edition.


With gratitude and praise to God for 2018 and bright hope for 2019.
Amen.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Christmas Every Day 2

It's the day after Christmas, but it really didn't seem like it to me.

Ever since Thanksgiving, the timing between the holidays has seemed off for some reason. Part of it must be that the traditional highlight of my Christmas -- a gathering including my mom, my five siblings and many of our extended family members -- was in scheduling limbo for many weeks, before we decided less than two weeks before Christmas that it wouldn't work out at all. I see pictures people are posting on Facebook of their family gatherings, often spanning two or three days, and feel a bit of sadness that I don't have my own to share. That's true even though I'm also very grateful for and OK with decisions our family made.

I think Christmas falling on a Tuesday also messed with my timing. We had church Sunday morning, and we had Christmas Eve worship on Monday. Today, it seemed like the schedule should be back to normal for a Wednesday. But it didn't seem normal. I went to a meeting I usually attend on Wednesdays, but only two other people were there. And choir practice was canceled.

Until 2016, my Christmas through New Year's holiday period often only included two days off. Family gatherings were usually the weekend before or after Christmas Day. The work days before Christmas and between Christmas and New Year's were as hectic as any for me -- and often busier because other people were taking days off.

As I continue to adjust to my new and preferred lifestyle that doesn't include an office job with daily deadlines and relatively few days off, especially at the end of the year, I had hoped to be more disciplined in spreading Christmas joy to people, such as homebound members of my church, who are sometimes overlooked.  As I ran out of time, I reminded myself I could continue these visits after Christmas. But now that Christmas is over, the sense of urgency is gone. It will take a different kind of motivation to follow through.

Exercising that intentional effort is a new goal. It's part of how I want to experience Christmas every day. I don't want to give up on completing the task of addressing Christmas cards and getting them delivered. I don't want to give up on visiting at least four people before the end of the year. I may not wear a Santa hat and sing carols -- but I can if I want to. After all, we've just begun the 12 days of Christmas ...

I was thinking about this as I drove to my meeting this morning. I had the radio on, and I heard one of the program hosts on K-Love talking about her son unexpectedly suggesting they go to a candlelight Christmas Eve service. She said she was already in her comfy clothes and slippers and really did not care to go out. But he insisted, and she agreed to go. At the end of the service, as the candlelight was being passed from one person to the next -- and from her to her son -- she became profoundly aware that this was one of those moments that mattered. She thanked God that she hadn't missed this opportunity.

I don't want to miss my moments that matter. I am aware I often won't know in advance which moments those are. The ones I think matter might turn out to be fairly insignificant. And I've had quite a few times when I thought something I did or helped with was really minor, and I was amazed at how deeply appreciated it was by another person. Other times, such as a hospital visit today, are powerful affirmations of why I should not hold back when my spirit says go.

Leading up to Christmas, I read two Advent devotional series based on Scriptures. I also continued my daily readings from Proverbs 31 ministries and The Upper Room. Somewhere among those, or perhaps some 12-step literature or something I heard at a meeting, I took to heart that when I'm unsure what to do, I can be sure of this: the choice should be loving and honorable.

Part of how I respond to God's great Christmas gift of love is by receiving it. I let it wash over me. I read and study the Bible to learn more about God and Christ and the Holy Spirit and the life that is possible when I believe. I can echo the words of Christ's mother, Mary, that nothing is impossible for God.

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Christmas every day

Christmas every day

Hope. 
Joy. 
Love. 
Family. 
Faith. 
Friends. 
Service. 
Kindness. 
Gratitude. 

It’s been a good Christmas. 

One thing missing makes me aware of my tendency to let an unfulfilled desire overwhelm all the good feelings. 

Not today, Satan!!

The one thing I missed in a big way was gathering with my mom, five siblings and as many of their children and grandchildren and their families as possible. 

Sometimes it doesn’t work out. We agreed this was one of those years. And we were grateful to know mom and the siblings and many of the extended families have been together at least twice since last Christmas’s big gathering. There’s no reason to think we won’t all be together again before next Christmas. 

And still, as I thought and wrote about attending a Christmas Eve worship service in Gainesville with my husband and my sister and much of her family, and spending Christmas Day in McKinney with my husband’s family, I felt a bit of sadness or regret about not also sharing the love and joy and food and fun gift exchange with the rest of my clan, including my mom who was visiting two of my sisters in Oklahoma. There’s something special about this time of year. 

I’m grateful to love them and love being around them enough to miss sharing the holiday with them. 

A positive outcome of the break from tradition was to appreciate what was missing. And it also brought renewed awareness and appreciation for the things that remained. 

There were also a couple of other components missing from my dream Christmas. I didn’t do anything to directly show God’s love to a stranger. And other than Facebook and the church services, I did not share moments with friends. Oh, and there was still nowhere near enough focus on the Gospel message of Christmas in narrative, prayer and song. 

If that seems like more negatives than positives, I disagree. Every shortcoming, missed opportunity or unfulfilled hope is a chance to learn and grow. Sometimes the growth comes from accepting I won’t always get what I want.  Accepting this reality gracefully is a gift in itself. I’ll be 60 years old in March, and I still have a lot to learn in that regard. 

My goal this Christmas  was the same as what has become my daily goal: 

Breathe.
Pray. 

Trust God.
Be present. 

Don’t take life (or blessings) for granted. 

Express gratitude. 

Show love. 

Give service. 

Encourage others. 

Thank God. 

If I take the gifts and spirit of Christmas into each day, I can be confident I’ll learn and grow. 

Monday, December 24, 2018

Christmas Eve reflection

Just be. Just accept. 

A simple prayer continues to help significantly. Breathe deeply. Focus on God. Pray. Trust God. Trust God with results. 

I can see it’s been another good day. 

And yes, by the end of yesterday and again today, I start to doubt. It doesn’t seem like I’ve done enough. 

Inhale. Pray. Exhale. Keep praying. 
Inhale. Trust God. 
Exhale. Keep trusting. 

It’s Christmas Eve. After the candlelight communion service in Gainesville, I was aware that I tend to think I’m supposed to feel a certain way during these kinds of services and this time of year. 

Inhale. Pray. Exhale. Keep praying. 
Inhale. Trust God. 
Exhale. Keep trusting. 

Now I realize it’s just another day. I’m a Christian every day. I am grateful for God’s gift of love through His son Jesus Christ every day. This is a fun and joyous time for many, including me. 

The reason I often end up disappointed or disillusioned is because I have this fantasy or expectation that there should be something more — and that I’m missing something. 

Today, I’m declaring the truth that, thanks to the love and care of God, I have everything I need and I am everything I need to be. 

And I am grateful. 

Merry Christmas!!  

Sunday, December 16, 2018

'Tis the season

One of the things that got me to thinking I might like to be in Gainesville instead of Norman on the Sunday my two favorite choirs were doing their Christmas cantatas was my interest in attending the Christmas concert of the Gainesville Swing Orchestra.

Since I did, in fact, sing with the Whaley United Methodist Church choir in Gainesville instead of the Goodrich UMC choir in Norman, I was glad it also worked out to go with family members to attend this fun and festive big band concert with my husband, my mom, and my sister, her husband, one of their daughters and two of her daughters.

This is shaping up to be a Christmas where Mom and her six children and a good portion of their families won't all be together at the same time.

Gatherings with the extended family, especially at Christmas, are some of my favorite times. It doesn't always work out, though, and this looks like one of those years.

I'm grateful for the moments that come along the way when various ones can get together to share Christmas love.

The Glory of Christmas with a strong family flair

I experienced “The Glory of Christmas” in a most joyous way today, joining with my mom Alice Davidson for the first time in probably more than 40 years to sing together in the choir’s Christmas cantata at Whaley United Methodist Church in Gainesville, where my sister Becky Felderhoff and her husband Tom Felderhoff also sing in the choir. Two of their grandkids were angels and one was a shepherd. I was looking forward to this day, and by the grace of God, it did not disappoint! Having Mike Davidson, Barbie Davidson, Marty, Emily Hoffman, Brian Hoffman, Brandi Jean and Danny Felderhoff and their families and my beloved Gene there added to my joy in celebrating the true meaning of Christmas.


Thursday, December 13, 2018

The more things change, the more they change

My theme for this month, particularly this week, is that the more things change, the more they change!

A week ago, I thought I would be headed toward Arkansas and Alabama with my husband on Monday, a weeklong trip I was looking forward to, even though it would require me to miss several opportunities in Oklahoma and Texas.

By Friday, the logistics of some of my plans for going with my husband were falling apart, so I decided to stay home. I looked forward to being able to go to the choir practice I would have missed in Texas. Today, I was eager to attend a luncheon, a caroling event at a nursing home and the Christmas party of the women's group I'm part of at my church in Norman.

Getting back to Norman about 10 last night after a long choir rehearsal in Gainesville, I knew it would be a quick turnaround for me to be ready for the 11:30 a.m. luncheon, then the caroling at 4:30 and the party at 6. I had done little to no prep for any of these.

I slept well, but when I woke up to the sound of my alarm, I let distractions keep me in bed surfing on my phone for an hour. That was certainly not how I needed to start the day, or so it seemed.

I had committed to do the best I could in preparing for each event. I knew I didn't have to be on time for the first one. My ideas were coming together better than usual for a hostess gift as well as a food to take to share.

Meanwhile, I noticed someone had left a message on my home phone. When I checked it, I learned the evening party had been postponed because of the weather. Although I was sad about this -- because the new time is Sunday, when I will be in Texas singing with the church choir there -- I knew it was out of my control. And I knew I had plenty of other things I could spend my afternoon and evening doing.

By this time, I was especially grateful I had not decided to forgo the luncheon because of the earlier distractions and busy schedule. I thoroughly enjoyed the friendships shared at the luncheon.

The afternoon caroling also was postponed, although the new time for it should work out for me.

My afternoon and evening ended up being filled with needed chores including clothes washing, vacuuming and other housework.

It's not how I expected my day to go. I can see many reasons why it was a good way for it to turn out.

One of the best reasons to be grateful today is that neither the change that kept me from traveling with my husband nor the changes that kept me from attending the church events today made me feel angry or resentful. I hope I'm FINALLY growing out of that childish response to changes that seem to keep me from doing what I thought I wanted to do. It's so much better to be able to roll with changes.

In all things, seek and trust God

Another day is not going how I thought it would need to. I’m grateful to be able to pray and read and meditate and trust in God. I was praying before it started to go what seemed awry to me, so I will continue to trust God is in charge. Either this is the best way, or He’s willing to let me learn from my detour. Right now, to my great surprise, it’s looking more like the former. 

I stayed in bed from 8 to 9 am, reading Upper Room and P31 online devotional and then on a search for info about United Methodists and predestination, sidetracked by a Wikipedia donation and survey, and followed by a text response to my sister. 

That wasn’t how I expected the morning to unfold on a day when I have so much I want to do, including three social engagements. I had earlier prayed the Lord’s prayer. I slept well and feel better this morning that I did last night, when I feared I might have a cold coming on. I continue to seek God’s guidance and trust that He is leading and equipping me this day. I am grateful and hopeful. 

Then I got on the treadmill, which is where I started writing and turned to 12-step reading. 

OA and AA books were excellent, as always. 
For Today: I am grateful for the amazing grace that brings about “profound inner change; dissolving the opinions and attitudes that kept (me) chained to compulsion.”
Voices Of Recovery: Timely reminders as I may go to 2 gatherings where food is a big deal today. “I know I can recoil from it and rest in the arms of God.”
24 Hours A Day: “We can believe that many details of our lives are planned by God and planned with a wealth of forgiving love for mistakes we have made.”
“I pray that I may be shown the right way to live today.”

Thinking more about how the morning went, and what seemed like untimely distractions about predestination and then the Wikipedia donation and survey: God seems to be showing me this week that I can trust Him even when it seems like I’m straying from the plan I thought I had lifted up to him. But had I? Looking back, I see my plan/goal for the day:
Dec. 13
>> Goal (to do, lifting up to God, seek, trust, obey, thank, praise): in all things, seek and trust God  

And even if I lifted specific details up to Him, doesn’t that mean He can do with it as He sees fit, just as I say I want Him to do with me? Why, yes, that would seem to be true.

I’m smiling now. Thank You, God, for a way of living that leads me to You and Your best for me, which I trust is my best for me as well, even if it may not seem that way at any given moment. 

I’m praying that I continue to accept God’s love and presence and trust Him with my life today.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Divine plan? Or just absent-minded me?

Maybe it wasn’t God’s overruling that caused me to wash my hair yesterday. Maybe it was just my crazy mind doing its thing. 

Either way, I see another glimpse of how things work for good in my life when I look for and trust God for blessings in however life unfolds. 

Maybe the unplanned shampoo was needed to trigger an impromptu blog post. Or perhaps still to be revealed is a more significant reason why it wasn’t a waste of time and shampoo on a day where it would have been fine not to have freshly washed hair. 

Of course, that brings to mind today’s Upper Room devotional reading, about how God looked at all parts of the tabernacle’s construction and quality — not just the ark and focus pieces but even the tent pegs. 

Might even a blog post that seemed insignificant to me have value to God?

Plus, the extra time it took to wash my hair and write a blog post yesterday forced me to turn to God in prayer more often during the day as I tried to keep up with an unrealistic (for me) to-do list. 

As usual, time will probably tell. And as usual, I can be grateful anyway.

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Crazy and blessed

My crazy trend continued this morning in a new and unexpected way. I've been praying and trying to discern and do what God would have me do. I'm endeavoring to find joy and blessings in all things as I trust that God can work things for good; that in God's economy, nothing is wasted.

Today, I was struggling to make some basic decisions. A couple of my daily readings reminded me to pray even when I thought I knew the answer, but certainly to pray when the answer was unclear. My immediate choice that probably no one else can even fathom being a problem was whether to wash my hair. Even after I started running the water to let the shower heat up, I was unsure, because today's decision could have a noticeable effect on my morning time management the next two days. My thought was that I would not wash my hair today. I stepped into the shower, turning my thoughts to people for whom I have been praying. And the next thing I realized, I had soaked my hair as if I was preparing to shampoo it. So I went ahead and shampooed and conditioned. I'm not sure how that will affect my next two mornings of decisionmaking and actions. I trust it will all work fine.

Lynn Cowell, writing for Proverbs 31 ministries, wrote about having an opportunity to do two things she had been longing to do -- but they both came at the same time. She thought it would be impossible to do both and was preparing to decline one opportunity when she was reminded to pray specifically about it. After praying (and I'm guessing she also checked with some trusted friends or family members), she believed that, trusting in God for guidance and strength beyond her own, she could do both. So that's what she did.

She was glad she didn't stick with her initial thought: But why pray if I already knew the answer?

She referenced the accounts of Joseph in the story of Christ's birth:

I wonder if Joseph thought the same thing when he found out Mary, the one he was pledged to marry, was pregnant. Matthew 1:19 tells us, “Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly” (NIV). Joseph thought it over, and according to their law, this was the best way to handle the sticky situation.
Then … his plans were interrupted. “But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit’” (Matthew 1:20). Apparently, Joseph had not acted immediately upon his impulse, but had created time and space in his life to hear from God.
Through the angel’s message, Joseph discovered things were not really as they appeared! Though others would not understand the why behind his decision, Joseph would keep moving forward and make Mary his wife.


I'm grateful I don't have to know the answers, even when I pray. I can act based on my best understanding of what God would have me do, and when that's not clear, I can trust that whatever action I take will fit into God's plan. Just do it. Trust God. And thank Him.

Lessons among the lost and found

Yesterday, I really wanted to blog before I went to bed. I like the string of consecutive days I had accumulated posting on the blog this month. But I reached a point in the evening where I knew it was time to go to bed, and nothing quick and easy came to mind to write about.
Almost as soon as I awoke today, I realized what I could have written about. Yesterday afternoon and evening, I experienced again one of those all-too-familiar, why-am-I-like-this, please-help-me-God! situations.

About 10 p.m., as I was starting to wrap up my day by putting things away, I couldn't find some of what I had bought at Mardel a few hours earlier. I went to the garage to see whether I had left a bag in the car. No, not there. I looked in the bedroom and the bathroom, in case I had it in hand when I went about my business upon arriving home after 6. Nope, neither of those places, either. I checked in the car again, just in case; it still wasn't there.

It was too late to reach anyone at the store, so I made a note to call right after they opened today, which I thought would be 9 a.m. I called, and sure enough, they had the shopping bag with the things I had left at the counter. Thank you, God, I said aloud, reminding myself to be grateful to God even when the outcome isn't as positive. I will pick it up later today.

I didn't even panic this time. I'm sure the biggest part of that is because it was just about $30 worth of things. It wasn't like those times I've left a purse or credit card somewhere. That's when the panic and sense of urgency hits. Yet, even if one of those had been missing this time, all I would have been able to do is pray for calmness and awareness that it's not the end of my world, then wait until the store opened to call. I probably would not have slept as well, however.

I know I'm not alone in leaving, losing or misplacing things. Earlier in the day, I had listened as two friends shared their recent experiences. One was getting ready to check out with a purchase of less than $2, and all she had was a $100 bill. She thought she might have enough change to cover the purchase, so she started counting. She found the needed amount and made the purchase. Much later, she realized the $100 was missing. She called the store, and no one had reported finding it. How disheartening. And what a sense of loss. I expected her to tell us she eventually found it. That wasn't the case this time. However, she told us she was able to believe that if someone found the money and kept it, they must have needed it more than she did. She turned it over to God in faith that her loss in some way met another person's spiritual need. I like that idea.

The other woman had lost her cellphone. I didn't hear all of the details, but she was asking for forgiveness for how she acted while she was without her phone. At the least, I could tell she must have been irritable and perhaps said some unkind things. It's possible she was accusatory. When she found the phone, it was where she had put it, although not where she intended to leave it.

I definitely know that feeling of embarrassment and shame when I get bent out of shape and perhaps blame others or at least feel self-pity, then find out I alone was responsible for my perceived malady. My friend's sharing and apologies and asking for forgiveness for her behavior reminded me of the grace I always receive when I do similar things.

Sunday, December 9, 2018

Joy of giving?

Everything I'm reading and learning about what's keeping me from experiencing true joy points to deep-seated self-centeredness, likely based in fear.

I want to be loving, caring, generous. But my fear and insecurity cries out: What about me?

Today provided a choice that gives me another chance to see how this plays out.

A worthy cause was presented to which I wanted to donate cash. I was torn between $20 and $50. Twenty didn't seem like enough.  Fifty seemed too much -- and parting with that $50 bill seemed impossible. I found myself rationalizing I could give $20 to this opportunity and contribute the additional $30 to other causes I knew awaited later in the month. Wouldn't that be more responsible? How do I know I'll have cash for the later opportunities, several of which came to mind as I was trying to think this through.

I must admit I was thinking about this during church. As I listened to the sermon titled "Illusions of Love," I heard the pastor say a guiding principle on how we can make decisions as Christians is to consider what God would have us do. And she said we can be sure what God would have us do would be based in love.

Regardless of the amount I chose to give, it would be an act of love.

Deciding to put the $50 bill in the envelope was an act of faith as well.

To claim God's promises, I need to become willing to follow His leading and trust Him with the results.

Right this minute, I doubt I feel any more joy than I would have had I put $20 in the envelope instead.

I do feel I made the correct decision for that moment. And I do trust God with the results.


Saturday, December 8, 2018

If not joy, at least gratitude

Joy is my desire. Joy in the Lord.

If I'm not feeling it tonight, is that a pretty good indication I let other things distract me from my primary relationship with God? I'd say that's the case.

Even when I fall short of whatever it takes for me to feel joy, I can still feel grateful. I can count my blessings.

I heard a friend say today that when she's feeling sorry for herself or struggling with character weaknesses, she makes a gratitude list. She lists 150 things for which she's grateful. I cannot even imagine doing that.

I'm grateful for everything. How can I single out individual things? Where would I start? Which things would I include?

For tonight, I'm grateful I can be grateful without making a list. 


Friday, December 7, 2018

More about joy

I've settled on two Advent devotionals with daily readings. Joy is a theme for both.

Janet Denison wrote "Joy to Your World," a booklet I received after making a donation to the Denison Forum. I found John Piper's "Good News of Great Joy" among the Bible reading plans on the Bible App.*
 
Both are using Scriptures to present the ancient narrative, with commentary and questions to help me see what it means today.

Denison's writing helps me look deeper into the familiar accounts and ponder anew what it might have been like for Elizabeth, Zachariah, Mary, Joseph and the shepherds, among others. They rejoiced in the Lord and followed His guiding even when the way was not a path any of them would have expected. She highlights their faithful responses in ways that inspire me to want to also have a faithful response, even when it might seem God wants me to do something impossible.

Both authors also emphasize how experiencing the joy of the Lord is a result of knowing Him, believing in Him and stepping out in faith to act on His promises. It's not based on circumstances.

I want to make that connection. I think it may help explain what was missing from some of my past Christmases, when despite all the blessings I experienced and for which I was grateful, I was more aware of sadness than true joy.

I'm grateful for Advent studies that are helping me find the true source of joy.



* It's interesting to me that Denison is a Southern Baptist and Piper is a Reformed Baptist. This lifelong Methodist grew up thinking Baptists didn't observe liturgical seasons such as Advent, although in recent years I began to notice that seemed to have changed or be changing. I did a little research and discovered some Southern Baptist churches and members began observing Advent in the last half of the 1900s, likely to provide a structure for focusing on Jesus during a season of secular consumerism.

Thursday, December 6, 2018

Today's challenge

Sometimes I react strangely to good news, and it happened today. Fortunately, I now recognize this odd reaction more quickly and adjust my perspective. Whew. What a relief.

I'm learning that even positive experiences today can trigger strong feelings related to past disappointments or hurts.

As I've written before, some of the hurt and disappointment I felt in the past likely was a result of my unrealistic expectations. I'm making progress on adjusting my expectations.

Today's experience tells me I still may have more feelings from the past to deal with. I'm hopeful that doing so will be easier with awareness of the process.

Today's joy

It's easy to feel joy when an unexpected phone call brings news that my only brother is a first-time grandpa!

When I spoke with his daughter Laura last week, she expected to work through today and then take off until the baby's arrival, expected on Dec. 10. I later learned her plans changed when she didn't feel good over the weekend, so she did not work this week. It's a good thing, since that precious 9-pound baby boy was ready to make his debut.

A picture of beautifully smiling mom and dad holding their newborn made the day of many proud and happy relatives.

We give thanks to God for the precious gift of a new life.


Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Finding my place

For many years, my high expectations and unrealistic desires have kept me from fully experiencing and enjoying the gifts of Thanksgiving, Advent and Christmas.

I'm grateful for circumstances that give me another opportunity this year to find the joy in whatever comes.

My high expectations included that family and friends would be together and happy. God's gift of love through the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus to save mankind from our sins would be the focus. Gifts exchanged would be meaningful and appreciated. Hearts would overflow with love, and voices would resound with songs of joy.

These great moments likely happened more than I realized. Unfortunately, the chaos of my mind and manners often left me so stressed from work and life that by time holidays came, I was tired, frustrated and depressed. I enjoyed the holidays, the time with family, the worship, the songs, the gifts, the food, the laughter and joy. But I often had a sense that I was missing something. Even in the midst of great blessings and joy, I felt a tinge of sadness and disappointment, which brought on a dose of shame. Why couldn't I just be grateful and happy?

Through prayer, counseling, medical help, 12 Step work, Bible study and other endeavors, I've learned some of the reasons and am dealing with them. Results are slow. Not God nor medicine nor behavior modification has zapped me with a quick fix. All resources indicate I have to play an active role in bringing about changes I seek. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Nothing changes if I'm not willing to do things differently.

Changes are underway this season. Some of my new choices were up to me. Others involve how I choose to react to things I can't control.

A big decision that I made this year was to sing a Christmas cantata with my mom's church in Texas rather than with the church where I am a member in Oklahoma. If I dare be honest, part of my reasoning initially was that I liked the music planned at Whaley UMC in Gainesville better than at Goodrich in Norman. But as I was trying to justify my yearning to sing in Gainesville, I became aware of a more meaningful reason to do so. Earlier this year, my 83-year-old mother, whose beautiful voice and love of singing inspired my own passion, returned to the choir there. Now, she, my sister and my sister's husband all sing in the choir at the church my mom has attended most of her adult life and that has continued to be the church my heart calls home more than 50 years after I moved away.

I've loved learning the music and enjoyed making the four-hour round trip twice to attend mid-week rehearsals. I regret that I'll be in Arkansas or Alabama next week and miss the final rehearsal. I'm grateful that because of digital recordings, I can practice and be confident of my part. I am eager for Dec. 16 to arrive, to be a part of sharing the Christmas story through beautiful music.

One thing I have had to accept, which I struggled with just a bit during rehearsal Tuesday, is that because I'm not a regular in that choir and because I won't be at the final rehearsal, I missed possible opportunities for a vocal solo or a speaking part. I'll just be part of the chorus. Over the years, at my church with a small to midsize choir, I've often been allowed to sing solos, which I've come to enjoy, even as I've doubted whether I'm the best choice for these roles. This year, it turns out to be a good exercise to accept with joy the opportunity to be a part of a great choral ensemble, especially when I remember my key incentive -- that I'll be singing with my mom, sister and brother-in-law, and some of my sister's grandchildren (mom's great-grands), will be in the children's chorus.

Interestingly, along the way I've also come to learn and love the songs that will be presented by the choir at my Norman church that same day. On Wednesday, I was able to practice with these great singers, my Goodrich church family, and felt that familiar second-guessing of my decision to sing elsewhere Dec. 16. I was grateful to hear how good they sounded and to offer my enthusiastic support to their hard work. And I appreciated the strong affirmation I have received from members when they learn why I won't be singing with them this year.

The greatest joy and blessing (and lesson) through all of this has been the realization of how wonderful it is to prepare music or other service for the Lord with people I love and appreciate and who love and appreciate me. It's not about me; it's about WE -- what WE can do to glorify God.

For today, that awareness puts me right where I belong, with a heart open to receive and share the joy God gives to hearts that love, serve and glorify Him.

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Eager anticipation

It's a good thing for me that Advent is typically more about remembering the waiting and anticipation that preceded the birth of Christ, rather than discipline, which is often the focus of the Lenten season that leads up to Easter.

I'm filled with eager anticipation as I try to get into a rhythm for reading daily Advent devotionals. I have at least three to choose from. So far, life has gotten in the way of reading except for the first day. (It's now the end of day 3.)

I'm also still waiting for family celebration plans to take shape. It's interesting that even when we have firm plans, we know plans in December must include an element of flexibility dependent on the weather. But it seems unusual on the fourth day of December still not to have a pretty good idea of who will be where, and when, among my siblings and mom.

It fits well with a time in my life where I'm trying to find a good balance among planning, preparing, going with the flow and trusting God, all while looking for and building up the positive in each situation or circumstance.

I don't know where it's leading. I'm grateful to feel the certainty of God's presence on the journey.




Monday, December 3, 2018

Silencing the critic

How did I become such a critic? I’ve become shamefully aware that rather than appreciating the creative gifts of artists such as singers and writers, I have a tendency to evaluate and judge. 

I think it stems from my self-criticism and evaluation, which likely is based in a fear of not being good enough. I stay aware of my shortcomings so I won’t be surprised if others mention them. The fact that I harshly judge myself isn’t a valid excuse for judging others. In fact, I don’t need to be judging myself so harshly either.

Some of what Lysa TerKeurst writes about in her new book, "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way," has brought this into sharper focus for me.

I don’t know whether I’m actually being more critical of others than usual, or I’m just more aware of how critical I have become. I do know it’s a hard habit to break. 

Tonight, as I was watching “The Voice,” I heard myself starting to say I didn’t like a beautiful young singer with a delightful voice because I doubted her authenticity. I caught myself and stopped, embarrassed to realize I had gone beyond judging her talent to judging her heart and integrity. Then I wondered aloud to my husband if these live competition shows invite such criticism — perhaps they provide an acceptable outlet for my inner critic to express. He just looked at me, as if he could not even relate to my question. I concluded I don’t need to be judging, at least not at this point in my life. 

This doesn’t mean there won’t ever be times where my honest opinion about the quality or appeal of a project or situation might have value. I do think I need to practice restraint, even if asked.

In this and all things, I pray to become a person who trusts God to be the only judge. I see my role as to do good, which can include looking for the good in any situation and offering affirmation and support. In most cases, if I can't think of something positive to bring to the situation, I should probably keep my thoughts to myself. (That, I've discovered, is what really makes it hard for me: I like to share my thoughts and opinions. The other pitfall I'm learning to recognize is that sometimes I think an observation is interesting or insightful rather than critical, and yet it is received as an insult or, at best, a backhanded compliment.)

I need and want to accept the creative gifts of artists. I need and want to be eager to return the grace and support with which my creative gifts most often are received. I want to be supportive rather than critical. I regret that I’ve strayed so far that this now seems difficult. I pray for God to help me respond to these precious creative gifts with eyes to see and ears to hear and a heart to experience as He does — with love, grace and affirmation.

Sunday, December 2, 2018

The most wonderful time

The first Sunday of advent was a great day for worship and fellowship.

Sharing Holy Communion at the Lord’s Table during morning worship. In the evening, sharing a potluck meal with the church family before a service of scripture and carols as young and old adorned the sanctuary with festive yet symbolic decorations. 

Sharing hugs, smiles, laughter, prayers, songs and food. 

Love, service and grace. 

The heartwarming surprises of seeing people who had been ill and others who just don’t often make it to church. 

I am thankful for this church family with which I share the love of God.

It’s customary for me to doubt whether I’m spiritual enough. Today, I trust that God was present and glorified as His church came together to lift up each other as we celebrated Him. 

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Let the waiting continue!

Will I ever discover my true purpose and voice? So often I think I'm about to gain a sense of one or both, and before I know it, that sense is gone.

Today's revelation is that I don't like how it feels to lack a sense of purpose and not have much to say. I pray for guidance, and no answer is clear. Today, that lack of a clear answer became an answer: This unsettled time that seems unfruitful is likely a time of growth. I need to be patient with the process. Do what's in front of me. Don't fret so much about where it will lead or how it fits together.

The most enjoyable thing I've been doing in recent days is to practice for a Christmas cantata I'll be singing with the choir at the church my Mom, my sister and much of my sister's family attends.

As much as I enjoy practicing the songs and look forward to singing with the choir Dec. 16, I have a sense that I should be using my voice to sing for others.

Two distinct ideas came to me in the past week, and I failed to act on either one. That's where this whole purpose and voice thing gets most confusing for me. I get ideas that seem to me to be divinely inspired, and then I don't act on them. I'm pretty sure my next step needs to be to discuss some of these ideas with a mentor or trusted friend. I can only imagine how long it will take me to become willing to do that.

In response to my niece's "question of the day" on Facebook yesterday, about what we do to get ourselves going when we're feeling particularly unmotivated, I wrote:  Pray, and usually also draw on a Christian or 12-step devotional. Surprisingly, the revelation often is that I’m unmotivated because I’m tired, overwhelmed, afraid, overly anxious or failing to take care of some basic personal need. I am reminded it’s OK to slow down or rest or give myself a break. When I let God’s unconditional love, mercy and grace wash over me, I begin to trust again that I cannot fail. Whatever I do or don’t do will be enough. And I’m learning to praise God even in the struggles. (It occurs to me that, to an observer and even to myself, it may look like I never really get going!!! And still things work out, when I trust God!)

Hmmm. A couple of those 12-step-inspired devotionals from that same day fit right along.

From Overeaters Anonymous Voices of Recovery: “Through prayer and meditation we align ourselves with a higher power which gives us everything we need to live to our fullest potential.” (quoting OA's 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, page 90)

When I start with prayer and meditation, I too “marvel as the day offers greater fulfillment of potential in every area of my life. Simple prayers of ‘Thy will be done’ and ‘Thank you, God’ help me maintain my morning mood all day and all night.”

And I agree that my greatest potential exists in service to others and is only possible when I am abstinent, which is only possible when I am in conscious contact with God. 

From a daily reader called Twenty-Four Hours A Day, I was reminded to pray to be on guard against wrong thinking. 

I especially liked this quote: “But from yourself, from your sense of failure, your weakness, your shortcomings, whither can you flee? Only to the eternal God, your refuge, until the immensity of His spirit envelopes your spirit and it loses its smallness and weakness and comes into harmony with life again.”

Wow!! I love and needed that strong and comforting imagery on a day that wasn't unfolding according to my plans, although truthfully I didn’t have a plan. I just had ideas and subconscious expectations. 

Then and now, I’m grateful to be trusting God, pretty much one moment at a time. It requires doing what's in front of me to do and waiting on God to show me what's next, how it will fit together and how it will turn out. It will be interesting to see what opportunities are in store. 

Friday, November 30, 2018

A divine assignment?

As the month of gratitude winds down, I'm thankful that my continuing lack of a strong sense of purpose isn't bothering me as much these days as it has in the past.

Much of that has to do with things I've been reading that help me to grab hold of Scriptures to anchor my life.

The strongest guidance is coming from Lysa TerKeurst's new book, "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way." It's subtitled "finding unexpected strength when disappointments leave you shattered."

Even though my disappointments and sufferings pale compared to the author's, I relate strongly to the the emotions and reactions she describes. So I want to also learn to rely on God, especially His words in Scripture, as she strives to in dealing with life on life's terms.

She writes about seeing a disappointment as an opportunity for a divine appointment.

Earlier in the week, a devotional author wrote about how she thought she should respond to a friend going through crisis. Through prayer, she realized that her good-intentioned plan wasn't what God had in mind for her. It wasn't her assignment.

That concept has stayed with me. I tend to be a meddler. I want to know what's going on, and more often than I care to admit, I tend to try to control things or at least influence how they play out. I'm trying to be aware of when I'm getting in the way of the greater good. Sometimes I just need to trust God that He's in charge.

Of course, that brings to mind another term that keeps popping up nowadays: predestination. I've recently become more aware that predestination is a concept most United Methodists don't have much use for. It's been about that same period of time in which I've realized the faith I live and express likely includes some elements that could be described as predestination. I think the difference is that I totally believe God gives people free choice. The thing I express that some think sounds like predestination is that I think God works all things for good. And I agree, at least for today, with TerKeurst's idea that God has a plan for my life. What I'm not as sure about is whether God has a precise plan and timing for my life.

I think God's plan is for me to be in partnership with him.


As for my assignment or purpose, I really don't know. The best I can come up with still seems to be:
Smile. Encourage. Focus on good. Express gratitude to God. Help others. 

And then the Denison Forum ended with this:

Max Lucado: “You can be everything God wants you to be.” As he notes, “DaVinci painted one Mona Lisa. Beethoven composed one Fifth Symphony. And God made one version of YOU. He custom designed you for a one-of-a-kind assignment.”
What is yours?
For tonight, I still don't really know. And I'm pretty sure that's OK.

Worth the effort

There was definitely no November novel for me.

I already wrote about giving up on that little idea before the first week of the month had ended. It still seems fitting to refer to it now.

My lesson for November is that it's OK to try something to find out it's not right for me. The idea of writing 500 words a day in November with a goal of completing a rough draft of a novel didn't really seem like something feasible for me. I'm still glad I gave it that half-hearted shot inspired by a friend's suggestion.

I'm actually glad I was able to let go of that idea so early. Even though I didn't have a goal to replace it, I knew that with Thanksgiving on the way, I would want to focus on gratitude.

Much of my inspirational and devotional reading for the month reinforced that focus on gratitude, and giving thanks and praise in all circumstances. I've tried to complain less and praise more. If I couldn't say something positive, I tried to keep my mouth closed, praying silently for acceptance and guidance. I think I made some progress. My spirit seems lighter and brighter as a result.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Always Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving!

My words are inadequate to express how thankful I am for God’s blessings in my life. 

So I’m not even going to try. 

That won’t stop me from trying to express something. 

At my husband’s sister’s house for dessert after being with some of my family at a free community dinner hosted by Mom’s church during the lunch hour, I remembered I had intended to pray over my Thanksgiving dinner if we did not arrive in time for the overall blessing. But I forgot. 

So I composed a belated prayer that I posted on Facebook: Lord God, I am thankful to You, Who I affirm as the source of all goodness in the world and in my life. I thank God for the blessings in my life and in the lives of my loved ones. I pray that we may all be ever mindful of the opportunities God gives us to be His hands and feet on Earth, to show our love for Him by showing love, kindness, compassion and help to others, to God’s glory. Amen.

My husband and I thought we would just be having dessert with his sister and her son, but due to a miscommunication, we ended up sharing a second meal. This time the blessing came first. 

I won’t try to list all of the things for which I am grateful. Family, friends and faith are certainly on the top of the list. As are God’s mercy, love and grace. 

May I never take God’s goodness for granted as I grow in my ability to see blessings and express gratitude in all circumstances. 

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Oops! I did it again!

There's nothing quite like that feeling when, THREE HOURS after you get home from buying groceries at Walmart, you realize you can't find your purse anywhere in your house or your car. 

After last week's adventure with the lost ring, I had vowed to slow down and pay more attention. Could I really have just walked off and left my handbag at the checkout stand or in the cart in the parking lot? I guess old habits die hard. 

As much as I hated to, I looked up the telephone number and called my local Walmart. As I waited through the ringing and the recorded message, I prayed for calmness and grace and wisdom to know what to do next, preparing for the possibility that no one had found it and turned it in. 

The customer service manager asked me to give my name and identify my bag. He said it had been turned in several hours earlier. I said that sounded right; I had finished shopping a little after 7. 

Despite how frustrated I am with myself for being careless, I am extremely grateful for honest people who find things and turn them in. 

This isn't the first time I've discovered after getting home that I left my purse in a Walmart parking lot, and both times it was turned in immediately, intact. 

Thank you to whomever turned it in and to the Walmart CSMs for locking it up until I could retrieve it. 

And I thank God for His mercy, love, grace, presence, protection and guidance that would have been with me whatever the fate of the handbag.

Monday, November 5, 2018

No novel for me!

I couldn't even make a week of writing 500 words a day.

One of these days maybe I will find something at which I can be good and consistent.

Or maybe I'll accept that's not necessary.

Maybe it's OK to just do the best I can, one day at a time.


Sunday, November 4, 2018

More thoughts and ideas than words or time

My best plans for today were derailed by tiredness and cold symptoms.

So, after church and 30 minutes on the treadmill, I realized how exhausted I felt and recognized the possibility of cold symptoms. I crawled into bed and rested until suppertime. I didn’t think I would eat, but my husband had prepared a great meal that I couldn’t resist.

I felt  better afterward but still didn’t tackle the list. I just read the newspaper. And now it’s past bedtime again.

I was surprised the day came so quickly that the total of my written words on all platforms (?!?!) would be far short of 500.

I didn’t think I would even bother to post. But here I go again!

I have some great thoughts and ideas I would like to write about.

I’m hopeful I will soon find the balance of words, time and energy!

Saturday, November 3, 2018

500 words


Yesterday’s 500 words were in an email shared with a friend.

That was an important awareness of priorities for me.

Not all of my 500 words that I need or want to be willing to write and share each day in November need to be shared publicly. Some may be best for an editor or a trusted friend or family member.

Who knows? Sometimes the 500 words may be the accumulation of Facebook status updates for the day.

Yesterday was unusual for me because it was full of life and vitality and service and fun and interaction with others, mostly at the annual bazaar and craft sale put on by my church’s United Methodist Women’s group, of which I have become an active member.

The surprise was that it didn’t generate social media posts from me along the way.

The reason was because I was busy doing things related to the bazaar, and when I was finished (after shopping and baking three additional items), I needed to go to bed instead of stay up and try to organize pictures and thoughts for a Facebook post.

Admittedly, social media might have reminded some people about the bazaar and increased our opening-day traffic. 

The more important point for me right now is that, whatever is true about what might have been, the bazaar’s first day was fine the way it was. It was more than fine. It was great!! As was the entire event, the purpose of which is to raise money for mission projects and scholarships.

I enjoy posting pictures and words on Facebook, so I was glad to make time to do so this morning before heading back to the bazaar. I worried that taking that time would cause me to be late. It almost did. I’m grateful it did not, because I think being there was more important than writing.

That thought touches an important concept I hope to hold onto and cultivate: Sometimes being involved in something is more important than writing about it in a journal or on social media.

However, I also can’t deny that writing may be one of my gifts or talents that I shouldn’t just toss aside because it’s difficult to use. Why, oh why, did my former pastor have to comment after my last wayward post that (I’ll add “perhaps”) “You have a voice that should be heard”?

Oh God, please help me find the balance between praying, listening, responding, serving, sharing, observing, learning, writing and encouraging. I know they are often intertwined in a shared priority. Other times, one is clearly more important than another. I often struggle to know which is which.

I’m learning that when it’s unclear to me what my priority should be, there is value in making a decision to do something, even if it’s just to pray and trust God that waiting is the right action for that moment. When I’ve been able to do that — basically, let go and let God (again!) — the way becomes clearer, especially when looking back at what seemed to be a mysterious journey.

So, is my writing voice one of my gifts that needs to be shared? Or is my active participation in serving and doing more important? I don’t have to know today. Through trial and error, I seek to find the balance. I pray to be willing to let God set the scale and be the judge.