Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Progress not perfection

One other thing I knew I would want to write about on this final day of 2019 was the daily devotional book I used this year, "Then Sings My Soul," which I learned on Dec. 31 of last year was not well edited. https://thats-the-spirit-patricia.blogspot.com/2018/12/wrapping-it-up.html

2019 was a year in which one of my goals was to spend more time in Bible reading, study, prayer, listening and responding to God's guidance for my life. This devotional book challenged me to adopt an attitude of grace and acceptance I likely would not have considered without the errors.

Throughout the year, I've been more aware of how harshly I can judge myself and others. By reading my devotional and letting it speak to my heart, even when I had to look past grammatical errors and dropped or misused words, I stayed aware of the need to do that as well regarding my expectations for myself and others.

An interesting thing is that, when I read the Dec. 31 passages today, I couldn't find the dropped words that I wrote about last year. Nor did I notice the mistake in the 12-step devotional when I read it this year. (I did find them when I specifically searched for them.)

It's also interesting to me that I fully intend to use this devotional book again in 2020 -- and this time to follow through with journaling answers to the daily questions.

I'm grateful I didn't let imperfections block me from strong messages. For me, that's great progress!


An unexpected look back at 2010-2019

While I was pondering questions to help me close out 2019, my thoughts drifted for a moment to a mental survey of the decade 2010-19.

My first thoughts were incredibly sad:

-- It was the decade my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. He had what appeared to be successful surgery, and then died a year later, in October 2011, after more aggressive cancer was found in other parts of his body.
-- It was the decade my sister-in-law was diagnosed with cancer and died about two years later, in July 2015.
-- So many other people, including church friends, also faced life-threatening diagnoses. Too many have died.
-- It was also the decade my husband rescued me from the biggest mistake of my life. I had emergency surgery that led to removal of part of my colon, followed by three months with a colostomy before I could be put back together. I was laid off from the job I had held for 34 years.
 
In many of these, circumstances that could have been horrendous yielded blessings beyond measure.

The blessings are easiest to see in my personal crises: my husband ultimately forgave me and we have renewed our commitment and grown in our love and support for each other, celebrating our 37th anniversary in September; I've had no negative after effects from that major and, at the time, potentially life-threatening medical event; my layoff included several months' notice so I could prepare (and clean off my desk!), along with a decent severance package; and we were in a financial situation that allowed me to not have to get another job, leaving me time to travel with my husband and increase my efforts to be of volunteer service to family members, church and in other ways.

Admittedly, it's harder to find the blessings when loved ones face daunting diagnoses, especially when they are followed by agonizing treatment and still result in the person's death. The truth is, I think some of those will never make sense this side of heaven. Perhaps through the combination of growing older and living through these heartaches, we learn to consistently lean on God and to treasure each moment with our loved ones. I'm grateful that I have increasingly become willing to spend more time reading and studying God's Word, praying and listening for His guidance. Everything God offers has always been available to me; it's just harder for me to accept it if I don't take the time to seek Him, know Him, listen to Him and trust Him.

There were also amazing bright spots:

-- My nieces and nephews welcoming more children into our extended family.
-- Mom celebrating her 80th birthday, surrounded by family and friends, at a party at her church. I think it's also cool that mom was able to move to a nice senior apartment in town without having to give up the family farm.
-- I was able to go on an expenses-paid European cruise before getting laid off.
-- Post layoff, I've been able to travel throughout the U.S. with my husband, with highlights including upstate New York; the Columbia River between Oregon and Washington; great beach resorts; a fresh view of Washington, D.C.; and a poignant visit to Puerto Rico.

The period wound down with Gene and I shuffling to make arrangements to accept a last-minute (one month to prepare) opportunity for a bucket list trip: fishing for peacock bass on the Amazon River in Brazil. After all of our critical arrangements -- passports, flights -- came together in just over two weeks, the trip had to be canceled because of too much rain in the rainforest.

Thankfully, the cancelled Amazon trip became one more opportunity to count our blessings and be grateful. I'm learning that even when we make an investment of time and money toward something that doesn't work out, that doesn't mean it's wasted. Some of our best experiences have come when we acted spontaneously. Although this one didn't work out, we now have valid passports and a new hunger for the kind of trip we never really thought possible. Now we know it is.

These are just recollections that came to mind without looking back at the calendar or my writings during those years. I'm sure many others will come to mind after I post this.

I'll add that I'm grateful for the link I saw on Facebook that listed 10 questions for looking back, to end the year intentionally. I didn't answer those questions in this essay, but they shaped it nonetheless.
Writing about the decade and the past year gives me hope as I prepare to greet 2020 and the 2020s.

Monday, December 30, 2019

Ending the year intentionally

Yes, I followed this guide, attributed to Daisy U and shared by a friend on Facebook. https://nosidebar.com/intentionally/

She said I could end my year intentionally, like she did. "Just block out a half hour or so during the holiday season, pick up something to write with, and ask yourself 10 questions." I did it using my computer.

These responses don't seem complete to me, but I can't think of what to add. So maybe this is it!


1. What makes this year unforgettable?

I celebrated my 60th birthday at the home of Gene’s fishing buddy Hal on our way to the Bassmaster Classic in Knoxville, Tenn. I love that I had Gene buy me a shirt with a slogan by an angler who won a major tournament earlier that year at age 72. The quote: “Never accept that all your greatest moments are in the past.” (Rick Clunn)


2. What did you enjoy doing this year?

The things I enjoyed most were traveling with my husband; time with my mom and siblings and their families; and church-related gatherings, studies, service and singing.
Among our travels, Gene and I went to Galveston, Texas; Knoxville via Pickwick Lake; Washington, D.C.; my first trip to Lake Fork in Texas; a return visit to upstate New York including the St. Lawrence River; and my first-ever visit to Oregon and Washington, when we were able to explore along the Columbia River. 

3. What/who is the one thing/person you’re grateful for?

I am most grateful for Gene and my mother. I am also extremely grateful for the rest of my family; my church friends at Goodrich and Whaley; my 12-Step friends; and the rest of my friends with whom I’m trying to do better about maintaining contact.
I’m grateful for Facebook which helps many of us stay in touch.
I’m especially grateful to God for his infinite mercy, love and grace and how he continuously works things for good, even when it’s not obvious to me in this life.

4. What’s your biggest win this year?

The questions that seem to want to know the one thing or the biggest or best don’t bring out my best response. I do better by answering in terms of what were some of my big wins (and on the previous question, what/who are some of the things/people for which I am most grateful)? 
My biggest win was reading the Bible every day, including the summer day my Bible App streak ended.  (Although I did not read Scripture on the app that day, I did read other materials that included Scripture.) Daily reading of Scriptures and related studies and devotionals helped me to keep my focus on God and His will for my life, even when I experienced my typical mood swings and bouts with frustration, negativity, disappointment and even momentary returns of depression.

5. What did you read/watch/listen to that made the most impact this year?

Bible reading plans on the Bible App. Lysa Terkheurst’s “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way”; a study on Psalm 23. Sermon series by Pastor Desi at Goodrich UMC also led me to some helpful books on gratitude and the need for a soul reset and how to do it. 

6. What did you worry about most and how did it turn out?

I worried the most about what I was supposed to do and how to do it. I so often feel as if I just don’t know, even when I pray and try to listen for God’s answers. What I see time and time again is that there was no need to worry. When I center my life on God, He works whatever I can do for good. I know that and still it’s hard for me to let go of worrying.
I also worried about my appearance, including what my hair looks like, my clothes, my weight. That’s related to me worrying about what others think of me. I worry I will do something wrong or disappoint someone. God is continuing to show me I don’t need to worry about these things.
I worry about my family and friends, including relationship issues and health. I’m trying to channel more of these worries into prayers and positive action and support. 

7. What was your biggest regret and why?

One of my biggest regrets is that I did not write the story on the Oklahoma rookies on the Bassmaster Elite Series. That’s related to my regrets about not getting more organized and that I still procrastinate rather than act on so many things I would like to accomplish (such as getting rid of all this clutter and chaos in my home and life).
Also related to procrastination, I regret not being more diligent in getting a group of friends/former co-workers together to visit Paul; I was devastated that our gathering ended up being for his funeral. I'm sure there also were several other opportunities I regret letting slip by. 


8. What’s one thing that changed about yourself?

I think I was more honest. I also strived to be more gracious and forgiving to others. I think I followed through more on my intentions, although I still often came up short. I tried to be less self-focused. These all continue to be works in progress. In November, after more than a year with my bangs grown out, I had my stylist cut them again. And I got new eyeglasses.
9. What surprised you the most this year?

Writing this on the Sunday of their last game of the season: how disappointing the Dallas Cowboys football season was!
That I was depressed before our family’s Christmas. How could I feel depressed when so much is good in my life?
The realization that God has transformed me to enjoy traveling with and fishing with Gene. And the realization He also transformed Gene, to enjoy having me travel and fish with him.

10. If you could go back to last January 1, what suggestions would you give your past self?

Truly: Don’t worry. Trust God. 

Wednesday, December 25, 2019

The best gifts

A last-minute chance for a bucket-list peacock bass fishing trip on the Amazon River ended up not working out. After we had airfare and rushed to get passports, it was cancelled because of too much rain in the rain forest.

Along the way, I realized again how little material things matter in the big scheme of things.

And how blessed I am.

And how that makes me want to be a blessing for others.

And to glorify God.

Tuesday, December 24, 2019

Merry Christmas Eve with a few of my favorite things

My Merry Christmas Eve included a few of my favorite things: fishing with Gene (even if only one of us caught one of them; but he did let me take the picture of him in the Santa hat!); candlelight Christmas Eve communion and carols service with family and friends; then a little Christmas kitty time. Now we’re listening to the Dallas Symphony on TV at Mom’s. It’s still hard for me to know how to keep the focus on the reason for the season — God’s great gift of love and salvation — when I’m not in church or singing carols. God knows my heart; I pray and trust He is using me for His purposes. My prayer is that we all may receive God’s gift of salvation through Christ and respond in love and gratitude.

Sunday, December 1, 2019

Advent Day 1 2019

Somehow, I can't NOT post something on this first day of Advent.

God is doing a new thing. Christ is truly coming into my life. I await to see this new birth within me.

I am grateful for this first day of Advent that included quality time with Gene, my church family and others.

I am grateful for prayers that helped me stay steadfast to a desire to focus on the positive possibilities rather than to give voice to doubts, fears or criticism.

I'm grateful for this first day of Advent.

Saturday, November 30, 2019

It's just hair!


The final thing I posted in my #30daysofthanks didn't really fit, but I really wanted to get it shared, so I included it anyway.

It involves changing my hairstyle.

Maybe (but probably not) I'm finally reaching the point, after  60 years, where I'm able to say "it's just hair"!

I know that for all the compliments I received in the year I completed with my bangs grown out, something never felt quite right with all that forehead exposed!

I'm grateful the right reason (involving my sweet husband) came  along to help me make what seemed like a big decision to go back to the familiar style (even though trying again to style bangs reminds me why I tried something different in the first place).

Above all, it's just hair.

Yes, I want to look good. I also don't want to worry about or focus too much on my appearance.

Ha!

The Bible assures me I should not be worrying about such things. Keep smiling, caring, helping -- being a blessing not a burden -- those are the sources of true beauty and attractiveness.

Somehow, I think this is a step toward that for me.

#30daysofthanks
#itsjusthair
#progressnotperfection
#matthew6:33




Grateful for #30daysofthanks

I’m grateful for #30daysofthanks. I didn’t do it consistently and flat-out missed two or three days, even after playing catch-up some days.

I still don’t know why it was so hard for me to write and post expressions of gratitude. I think it’s because I am grateful for so many things, so where do I begin? What should I call attention to? 

Regardless, it was a good exercise for me. Although I have to admit I'm glad it's over.

And now I move on to December, which this year marks the start of Advent, even as I continue to be grateful every day (and grateful I don't feel called to try to share it in writing)!


Thursday, November 28, 2019

Sometimes it's easy to be grateful on Thanksgiving

Today was one of those days when it seemed easy to be grateful.

I write that at the end of the day. Thinking back, I remember how tired I was when the alarm went off. I didn't get up right away and ended up being late to my first destination.

I'm grateful that even as I was feeling tired and almost depressed in the days before and even the early hours of this Thanksgiving Day, I kept leaning into lessons I've been learning through Scripture reading, prayer and Bible study about the importance of giving thanks in all things.

The Lord's Prayer and the 23rd Psalm helped me focus on God's promises as well as some of what He desires from me. 

No day -- Thanksgiving or any other -- will be perfect. I'm grateful circumstances don't have to be ideal for gratitude and blessings to be shared. Smiles and kindness seem to nurture goodness.

I hope and pray this Thanksgiving Day was a time for all to recognize and count their blessings. I'm grateful that it was for me.

Thursday, November 7, 2019

Ten years and still searching, with hope and gratitude

Facebook reminded me that this is the 10th anniversary of my first post on the That's the Spirit blog.

After all that time, I still have no clue what I'm doing.

I just know I'm unwilling to stop.

And, considering it is the month of Thanksgiving, I'm grateful I don't have to have a purpose or plan. I can just do it. And that was one of my incentives from the start.


Saturday, November 2, 2019

Just for today, the time change is a blessing

Today I'm grateful the clocks fall back an hour as Daylight Saving Time comes to an end. I need that extra sleep. 

I hope and pray I will remember to be grateful when night comes way too early tomorrow.

Friday, November 1, 2019

Mysteries of faith and gratitude

Near the end of this busy, sometimes stressful Nov. 1, I was overcome with gratitude.
 
While walking on the treadmill to relax (does anyone else do that?) before eating a late evening meal, I had a moment of understanding of how God uses our faith and gratitude.
 
Today's Upper Room daily devotional, which I read as I tread, brought this into focus. Writing with an All Saints' Day theme, Wayne Greenawalt referenced how we can probably "name someone who has showed us an example of great faith in the face of trials. They bear witness to us that God can see us through no matter how trying our circumstances."
 
It helped me think of how I’ve been inspired by people who praise God and count their blessings amid devastating trials. I also thought of a few times when I've seen God use me when I’ve had moments of that kind of faith.
 
The reading and All Saints' Day made me think of the "cloud of witnesses" the Apostle Paul describes in Hebrews 12 and 13. 
 
I thought about those moments when tricky verses of Scripture, such as some of the passages in Psalm 91 (including where the words seem to promise long life and freedom for harm for believers), either make sense or don't have to make sense, when my focus and faith are steadfastly on God.
 
The thoughts came into focus toward the end of my day that included:
 
-- A Christian funeral, requested before his death, for a Jewish man greatly influenced by the faith and witness of his wife, their daughter and friends, including during the time they attended the church where I am a member. 
 
-- A church bazaar that keeps going even though the number of people willing to commit to help seems to dwindle year after year. I saw more clearly than ever that just as important as the money raised for mission work is the vital work of love, relationship, hospitality, graciousness, kindness, support, faith, encouragement — I could go on and on — among church members, vendors and shoppers.
 
-- A completely unexpected thank-you note from faraway friends of a mutual friend with whom I've been visiting to offer encouragement and support while she is in extended care and uncertain health following medical treatment.
 
-- A realization a second attempt at a garage door repair could wait until Monday.
 
-- Craziness with coins at turnpike toll booths.
 
It occurred to me that some people each November practice a month of thanksgiving. They post to social media each day something for which they are thankful. Might I do that this year? I've never succeeded before even though I've always liked the idea. Maybe this will be the year!

It occurs to me that may have been the thought that sent me into a bit of distracted behavior (compulsive overeating) that momentarily derailed all of the positive feelings I described above. Another contributing factor (in addition to tiredness; a runny nose and sore throat I hope is from allergies, triggered by standing for an hour in the Oklahoma wind at a graveside service, and not a cold; and a messy kitchen) was the thought that this might be something I could write about on my blog.

Fortunately, except for not being able to escape physical discomfort of crazy eating, I was able to rise above the regret, frustration and confusion of my binge by writing and praying -- and getting to the computer to follow through with this expression of thanksgiving and gratitude.

It's another moment where it doesn't have to make sense. I thank God for the promises of His Word.

Thursday, October 31, 2019

Busy times leave no time for writing.
It's better to be busy even if I won't remember what I've done if I don't write about it.

Not one bit of Halloween observance on my part.

Just prayer and presence. And lots of gratitude.


Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Perfect Timing for a Soul Reset

I knew this was coming. I was enjoying the Rev. Desi Sharp's sermon series based on the book Soul Reset. The book and her sermons include suggested actions to take, and many have helped me get out of my comfort zone.

I'm not sure I'm ready for this week's.

The spiritual discipline is fasting. I felt certain it would include food. When it showed up Sunday night, in time to prepare for Monday's discipline, I saw the first one would be social media.

Knowing I'd be fishing with my husband the next day, I saw little chance I would stay off social media. 

Truth is, I don’t see me fasting from food or social media for a whole day any time soon. Perhaps I’ll consider giving up a favorite food and some habitual aspect of social for the week. I’ll definitely need to pray about this!! (I also need to listen to the Goodrich UMC livestream for Desi’s sermon. Maybe she says something to make fasting seem more doable!!)

The next day was an even bigger surprise and challenge. I had known food would be one of the fast focuses one day. Words caught me by surprise!

As it turned out, I partially fasted from social media Monday, considering that Gene and I fished at Leeper and my first mention of it on Facebook was Tuesday morning.  (My social media presence Monday involved reading, maybe commenting and sharing things posted by others.) I suppose it helped that I didn’t catch anything and Gene only caught three. It also helps that my phone’s storage is close to capacity, without room for many more photos until I push some to other places. 

Still, awareness and prayers regarding spiritual disciplines and fasting were also factors that kept me from taking and posting selfies or photos of nature’s fall beauty, even when instead of the sunshine I faithfully awaited, we received rain. And kept on fishing!!


I pray to be willing to fully practice each of these disciplines. I just don’t think it will be this week. And a big part of my SOUL RESET is to know that’s ok. I don’t have to do this perfectly, today or ever. The goal is to grow closer and closer to Christ, to live lightly and freely with Him. Amen!

Maybe the body knows

I just reread the "Rest" post and amazed to think that was the day before we got our vaccinations for flu, shingles and tetanus. Little did I know!!!!

Maybe God was resting me up for how my body dealt with the shots.

After getting the shots, I had a couple of nights of not being able to sleep because of body aches, congestion and varying body temp. Fortunately, these were temporary.

Another interesting thing is that my post about my first-ever flu and shingles vaccinations brought an amazing number of comments (26) on Facebook.

"I got my first-ever flu and shingles vaccines yesterday, along with tetanus. Is this really better than getting the flu or shingles??? Of course I know it is, because the duration of discomfort will be much shorter. And I’m less likely to make others sick. The way I felt last night was no fun at all. The aches seem to be subsiding now."


People can really relate, and many shared their experiences and strength, as well as their best hopes for me.  I'm grateful I could report I made it through and feel much better now. And it's good to know I'm not a flu threat to others now.


Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Rest

Spending half the day in bed was not on my to-do list.

I don't know whether I was just tired or if this was what my body needed to help fight a cold.

It took more faith to rest than it would have to get up and stay busy.

I'm grateful for Bible reading plans, devotionals and sermon series that assure me it is OK to rest.

I think the key today is that rest was preceded by intentional prayer and sharing with another.

It seemed clear each time I was going to do something other than go back to sleep that nothing else was more important at that moment.

And later in the afternoon, it seemed clear it was time to get up and get busy.

Most of the things I on my to-do list are still there, undone. My tendency is to let that become a source of great anxiety. Right now, rather than anxiety, I feel curiosity about how this is going to go. I choose eager anticipation to see how God will work.

I'm still finding my way with the Shepherd. I'm grateful to feel safe in His care tonight.

Monday, October 7, 2019

AhhhhKtober!

No one said it would be easy.

Maybe someday I will catch up.

Monday, September 30, 2019

As I say goodbye to another September,
I need to take time to remember
rich blessings of family, friendship and spirit
Sweet music of life -- to hear it, to share it!

Singing for my friends John and Kimbra.
Praying, praying, praying.
Hospital visits. Expected and unexpected deaths.
Taking my mother to a medical appointment.
A moment of letting down my guard and letting God take over while I sang at church.
Stepping outside my comfort zone.
Attending an intimate candlelight vigil.
Traveling with my husband.
Holding down the fort.
Turning again and again to prayer and Bible reading and study.
Coming to understand that praying usually will lead to action, and sometimes praying requires truly letting go and letting God take care of the situation through His miraculous power or through other people.
I don't get to be perfect.






Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Unfinished

I'm grateful for an online Bible study on the 23rd Psalm that reminded me tonight that where I am right now may feel wrong, but that doesn't mean it's not right.

One of the hardest things for me to do this past week was accept the reality that I would not write a story for publication about the two Oklahoma anglers fishing in the Bassmaster Elite Series, which concluded its regular season with a tournament at Lake Tenkiller.

I'd been gathering information for such a story since March or earlier. A combination of my continued writer's block, perfectionism and procrastination, coupled with weather-related rescheduling of the tournament from May to September, led me to reluctantly give up my quest.

Writing the story would have been an act of faith. As it turns out, letting it go also required many acts of faith.

Acting on faith requires trust in the One in Whom I have faith. Through that process of trust, I am able to receive some valuable lessons. Many have been accompanied by texts of Scriptures and Bible reading plans, including the Psalm 23 study by Jennifer Rothschild, presented by Proverbs 31 Ministries, and others available on the YouVersion Bible app.

I felt like a failure who let down the people I had interviewed. I don't understand why I wasn't able to follow through on writing the story. It doesn't seem like it should have been that hard. Yet, it's always been hard for me to write.

And this time, apparently, it just wasn't what I was being called to do.

In my mind, it doesn't seem like spending more time reading the Bible, praying and learning to respond to God's Word with acts of kindness, service and compassion should have kept me from writing the story.

Bible reading plans, the Psalm 23 study and today's daily devotionals from Proverbs 31 Ministries tell me otherwise.

"I always think I must be more, do more, serve more, give more. More, more, more! I assume Jesus must want so much more from me to work a miracle in my life, when He just needs me to immediately obey the small stretch He’s asking me to do," wrote Shala W. Graham, drawing from the text of Luke 6:10, where Jesus only asked a man to stretch his withered hand for it to be healed.

I can trust my Good Shepherd to lead me where I need to be. When I stray, he rescues me.
I can trust my God to not ask me to stretch beyond my limits.
I can trust God to take care of what is beyond my limits.

Where I am right now doesn't really feel wrong. It's just not where I hoped or wanted to be. I wanted to feel the sense of accomplishment that comes from helping to tell someone's story.

Instead, I'm part of a story that continues to be written by the hand of God. And I am grateful.



Sunday, September 15, 2019

Green pastures and still waters

The Shepherd was leading. Sometimes I followed; sometimes I did not.

And in all things, I must trust the Shepherd. Even when I get sidetracked by distractions or my own desires and don't follow the Shepherd's leading, the Shepherd is the only one who can come to my rescue and bring me to my place of safety, rest, provision and purpose.

When I follow His leading, as I did last Wednesday in visiting John and then Harriet, the church dinner, Wesley study and choir, life is good. It's easy to praise.

And yet, it's out of my comfort zone.

So something happens on Thursday, and I start trying to figure out on my own where I need to be. My desires interfere with my hearing of the Shepherd's guidance. By Friday, I'm missing opportunities.

Saturday is wonderful -- until it's heartbreaking.

And Sunday, it's a mix of high and low, blessed and burned out, exhaustion.

I didn't allow the Shepherd to lie in green pastures and lead me beside still waters.

Who would have ever thought the Psalm 23:2 would be this challenging.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Here's to 37 years!

It's possible to be happy, joyous and blessed at 37 years of marriage and not post anything about it on Facebook. Just saying. And it wasn't easy for me. I guess I had to write it somewhere!

Sunday, September 1, 2019

The more things change

A sermon about the prodigal son reminded me that you can never go home again.

I am a new person each day. 

Nothing changes if nothing changes. 

Everything changes. 

What role will I play in my transformation?

 
This is related, from Proverbs 31 Ministries Encouragement for Today: 
 
"When we embrace good things in our lives past the designated time, we smother the goodness and hinder our own growth. When we let go of each season at the right time, we can joyfully celebrate the new season God gives us. .. When we look back, we can be tempted to see only the good. But the truth is, each season has its own trials. These trials are like weights that strengthen our spiritual muscles for future seasons.

"God wants to build our faith through each season. If we want our faith to grow, we can’t stay stuck in the past. We can embrace transitions as they arrive and learn to celebrate the changes."

From Gayle’s sermon “Reckless” on the prodigal son: 
You don’t ever really go home again. Because you change. You are not the same person. 

The relationship with the father is important. So is the relationship with the brother. Related to the Great Commandment. Love — make right relationship with — God (Father) and neighbor (brother). 

Leave old stuff behind so we don’t come back prodigal, wrecked. Come back wreckless, not reckless. 

The difference is the grace. 

We cannot go home without it. 

From 8-31-19 Upper Room:
 Even healthy trees need pruning — cutting away anything that prevents them from producing the best fruit. Jesus tells us that we are like branches that only survive if we remain in him — the true Vine. We all make decisions and have attitudes — fear, disobedience, despair — that hinder us from living into the fullness that God wants for us. But when we ask, God will prune away the old habits and replace them with life-giving ones.

Saturday, August 31, 2019

Passing the hat

I got the Texas Rangers-branded river hat. It did not happen as planned.

There were plenty of lessons along the way, as usual.

I truly only made the effort to go to the Texas Rangers baseball game on Aug. 31 because I wanted the hat. Gene and I had just gotten back from an 18-day road trip to upstate New York, and it was hectic for me to get from Norman to Arlington. Plus, I know that when I go with my sister, we sometimes have trouble getting to games on time. 
 
And despite our best efforts, we were late again.
 
When I entered the ballpark, the hats had all been given away. I didn't get one. 
 
Instead, I got an important lesson in more important things, including humility, faith, trusting in God, expressing joy and gratitude.

And how to not express anything negative to Bobby. God, I don’t know how. Grace will come solely from you. 
 
A fair measure of grace came. I couldn't completely mask my disappointment but did better than usual.
 
That didn't stop me from taking the opportunity to notice that Bobby's father didn't seem too excited about getting one of the hats. So I asked if I could have his. And he said yes.
 

Joys of travel

This is a placeholder for a travel log of August adventures that I hope to post soon.

Saturday, August 24, 2019

Running the race

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us.” Hebrews 12:1

Interesting thing about this quote, my Bible app verse of the day for Saturday, Aug. 24. 

I had the alarm set for 6:30 AM so I could be ready to go with Gene to the Bassmaster Elite Series event venue at Cayuga Lake in New York, where he had a 9 AM interview. 

I did not want to get up — I wanted to go back to sleep. Gene said go back to sleep and he would come get me later. 

I felt like a jerk — I want to be a blessing not a burden. 

Before turning off the light and snuggling my head back into the pillow while Gene got ready to leave, I wrote in my journal: “How can running the race set before me involve going back to sleep instead of getting up and going with Gene? I guess I will find out.” 

Without going into details, I’ll just say, yes, I found out. And it was good!! I thank God and that cloud of witnesses in heaven and on earth.

Thursday, August 22, 2019

Encounters of a memorable kind

My day of fishing on Lake Ontario was filled with interesting moments and encounters, starting before Gene’s alarm sounded at 4:20 AM Tuesday at our hotel in Auburn, NY.

The guide caught the first fish, unexpectedly, while showing me what I needed to do. Gene caught the next one, and it was back and forth between Gene and the guide. It was looking like my highlights would be me getting to hold their fish and release them into the water. Then I caught one. But I still hadn’t really caught on to what it takes to catch smallmouth bass with a drop shot. I’m pretty sure I had two or three good bites that I couldn’t keep on the hook.

The guide changed a few things on my rig, and talked me through some casts, and I got a better feel for what I was doing. I caught 3 decent brownbacks, plus 2 tiny ones and a couple of gobies! I hoped to catch one more nice smallie but it was not to happen.

Other nice encounters of the day included the morning sunrise (viewed over Lake Oneida on the drive to Henderson Harbor), the beautiful waters of Lake Ontario and the western New York countryside.

Less pleasant encounters included one with the nightstand hours before the alarm, when I was trying to find a pillow I had tossed off the bed ... and a little too much sun.

And there was the missed encounter — with my Bible app, breaking my string of consecutive days since before the start of the year, 33 straight weeks and at least 231 days. I did read and pray Tuesday; I guess I just didn’t use the Bible app.

All in all, it was a great day, the kind I would gladly encounter again.

To see the pictures, go to my Facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/pat.gilliland.35

Tuesday, August 6, 2019

Photographic memories

Some people have photographic memories.

It seems I need photographs to have memories.

For today, I can accept that.

My latest experience with this came over the weekend when I went to Arkansas to visit my goddaughter Angela and her sister Laura and Laura's 8-month-old son Ryan.

As I posted on Facebook:

My weekend included a long-desired road trip to Arkansas to pick up my dear goddaughter Angela in Greenwood then head on to Conway to see her precious nephew Ryan and his sweet mama and daddy Laura and Jared. Photography wasn’t a priority and didn’t always work out well when I tried. I still managed to get a few pictures to help my feeble brain remember the moments!

Interestingly, my brother (Ryan's grandpa) commented that he wondered whether he would be seeing pictures, although he also noted that pictures are not his priority when he spends time with his daughters and grandson in Arkansas. (He now lives in Texas.)

Later, my aunt expressed appreciation that reminded me of a second big reason I like to take pictures involving memorable experiences.

Thanks so much for the pictures. All those beautiful smiles and precious little boy. For those of us who can’t get out and about much anymore, they are all keepers!

I almost forgot that great reason for taking and sharing pictures!! I agree and am grateful I was able to share.











Surrounded by talent

Friday, I had the wonderful dilemma of deciding which talented friend to support.

I love going to the opening reception at Contemporary Art Gallery in Oklahoma City whenever my friend Renee Lawrence is the featured artist for the month. The opening is during the First Friday festivities at the city's Paseo Arts District, where the gallery is located. Renee's exhibit this month features her fabulous photographs.

But alas, I did not attend.

That's because some other talented friends were having the opening for a dramatic musical that was also the launch of their new Oklahoma Ensemble Theatre. I realized this might be my only chance to see OET founders and newlyweds Colin and Lia Ryan perform "The Last Five Years." I had no idea what to expect, but I knew I wanted to be at The Depot in Norman to find out. I'm grateful I did not miss it.

Afterward, I encouraged my friends to not miss it the next night (when I would be out of town and unable to attend). I posted on Facebook:

Go see this show! “The Last Five Years” is intense and beautiful and funny and heart-breaking and so real. The two performers are breathtaking in their power, musical skill, expressiveness — and endurance! Colin Ryan and Lia Ryan, thank you for sharing your dream and your amazing talent. Jim and Sylvia, thank you for supporting them so fully. What an investment of time and talent! I cried as it ended, partly because I was so caught up in the story but also because I was so proud of the work produced by this creative family, including Jim and Sylvia Watkins Ryan, who, respectively, directed and played every note of that wide-ranging piano accompaniment. There is one more show, 8 pm Saturday at The Depot in Norman. Go. See. It.

I don't know that anyone  followed through. If not, it was their loss.

I am grateful for my talented friends. And I'm grateful to be at a point in my life when, rather than feel jealous or less-than as I once did,  I can be enriched and inspired and blessed by their talent and creativity.

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

God knows -- and I am grateful

God has provided everything I need to do what God has planned for and called me to do.
God is on my side.
With God, I can do this!

Tonight, it's still unclear to me what it is He has planned for and called me to do.
I don't know whether the lack of clarity is my unwillingness to see and-or accept His guidance, or whether He is still preparing me to know my specific assignment.

Regardless, I can have faith that God is at work. Tonight, I have faith that God is at work in my life, preparing me to do what He has called me to do. And I am grateful.

Thursday, July 25, 2019

I recommend my church because I love ...


I meant to post this a few weeks ago. I'm not sure why I didn't at the time. As things go, I'm in a different season now!

From sometime in June, likely during the week before Father's Day:
 
I'm going through another season in which, apparently, "resistance is futile for God is at work."

I know it's a season, because many of my devotionals and studies are referencing how growth happens in seasons; growth takes time; that it's important to have faith -- trust God! -- when growth and-or progress isn't apparent.

Frustrations and complications I encountered as I prepared to sing a solo at church Sunday have raised a bunch of questions about how I might be able to have more options for music and accompaniment when I sing. The only musical instrument I learned to play was French horn, and that's not something I can use to accompany my singing (even if I had one and still knew how to play it!). I tried various times to self-teach myself to play guitar or piano, to no avail. I'll admit the thought of taking lessons scares me. I'm not sure why I so strongly doubt I could learn.

Can I learn to play the piano or guitar? Should I even try? Where would I start? Is there someone I can work with who can assess my potential and help me work through the possibilities?

Before I get too caught up in those possibilities, I always start to think of other things in my life that are higher, more pressing priorities. Top of the list: household tasks, big and small, that hold Gene and me back.

Somehow, that's tied to wrestling with how to be faithful stewards of time, talents, resources.

And that leads me to the whole bit about being beyond frustrated with how things are going at the church where I am a member. How they are going seems painfully slow to me -- and more people seem to be leaving (mostly due to health or relocation) than new members arriving.

It doesn't help that travel has kept me from attending regularly. Adding to my frustration is that my husband and I provided funding to help launch online streaming of Sunday worship, which, in addition to the hope that it would be a "front door" to bring new people to the church, would help me stay connected when I'm away. As of early June, it has been more than six months since the donation, and still no live streaming.

So, when I went to church Sunday, I prayed to stay focused. I asked God to help me engage and to worship him and seek to be a blessing rather than insist that my needs be met.

Throughout the sermon, the pastor was gushing about why she likes church in general and this church in particular. Pastor Desi doesn't just like the church -- she loves the church. As she was wrapping up her message, she asked members to think about why we love our church.

Yikes! God, what can I say? I don't want to be negative. And I don't want to be dishonest.

This is the answer God put on my heart: I love my church because I like to see how God uses imperfect things to His glory.

I thought I would only be sharing this with my husband, who was aware of my frustrations and might appreciate my good faith effort to be positive.

But the man sitting on the other side of me nudged me and said, "Do you know why I love this church?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I get to hear you sing."

Oh. My. Lord.

Yes, that humbled me and put me back where I belong, where God planted me. I shared what I had written, confessed my embarrassment and thanked my friend for the unexpected compliment.

May I never forget: God is at work. He invites each of us to work with Him. It really doesn't take much -- but an effort to have a positive attitude goes a long way.  I thank God for another clear lesson about His faithfulness and love.

Sunday, July 7, 2019

Good-bye again and again and again

I wept last night.

This poem written about my sister's mother-in-law explains a lot of it. 

Bye Again 

I looked out my window today, 
I thought I heard you driving by.
But then I remembered 
And began to weep and cry. 

We still can’t believe you are gone!
But we rest assured you are back in Grandpa’s loving arms. 
For the tears we shed and the sorrow we feel,
Make the reality of your loss just too real.

Everyday was a blessing with you in our life.
Grandpa would honored having you as his wife. 
67 years of marriage and you’d still hear him say:
“Hey Ma, I think I’ll marry you someday”.

Their love was precious; it was the real thing.
Each one made the others heart sing. 
A lifetime of memories; hearts full of love.
Now they are reunited in their home up above.

A lady of happiness, pride, and pure grace.
No one could compare or ever take her place.
She lived life to the fullest, never knowing which day might be her last.
For this life as we know it, will someday be in the past.

She rests in Heaven with God on high;
Sitting in her chair by grandpa; side by side.
And if we listen closely, we can hear her say, “Bye Again”!
So “Bye Again” Grandma. Rest In Peace dear sweet lady. God Bless! Amen! 

Written by: Katie Felderhoff
In loving memory of:
Barbara Jean (Miller) Felderhoff
November 1, 1931
July 3, 2019


Barbara was very much a part of our family and my life — from 4-H growing up, to the connections made and strengthened after her son married my sister, and their sweet family grew. Their children and grandchildren are a beautiful legacy of his parents and our parents. Four amazing people — and only one, my Mother, remains with us on earth. (Now I’ll be weeping again.) No wonder we say BYE AGAIN and again and again, not wanting to let go. And yet, we know from losing our dads, that they are still very much with us. I’m grateful to God for each moment and memory He gave us with Barbara. I’m praying for all who feel this great loss and void. And I'm cherishing each moment on earth with my mama!

Thursday, July 4, 2019

God bless the U.S.A.

From sea to shining sea ...

I'm grateful and proud to be an American.

Sunday, June 30, 2019

Full circle?

June ends like it began as far as blog posts go: with a placeholder!

It's been a great month. Too busy to write.

That's not really the reason I haven't kept up with writing. The reason is because I don't manage my time well.

So I will just make quick notes about why this was another fantastic weekend in Texas with my family.

-- Watching my great-niece Heidi (with a cameo by her brother Ryan) in a music and arts camp production on Friday, then going enjoying live music on the Cooke County Courthouse square.

-- Christmas in June with the family on Saturday, with the addition of a summer Santa gift exchange before the community's pre-July 4 fireworks.  Seeing a 7-month-old great-nephew who is seldom around, and also learning about the birth of the newest additions to the family, my nephew's twin boy and girl.

-- Worship, singing in the choir and a fellowship luncheon at the church I attended as a child and which my mom and other family members still attend.

-- A trip down memory lane as my mom, a sister and I visited cousins who are in charge of the things that belonged to a beloved aunt (my late dad's late sister).

--

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Fun times just keep coming ...

My long, wonderful weekend started by watching "West Side Story" at Butterfield Stage Theatre in Gainesville with my Mom, sister, brother-in-law, their daughter and her daughter, and it just ended watching the WSS movie on DVD alone in Norman.

I’m glad I saw the live community theater version first. It was very, very good, and seeing the movie for the first time took nothing away from that!

Now it’s time to unpack and get busy. (I knew from experience that if I didn’t watch Emily’s DVD I brought back with me immediately I might never do it.)

Theatre, shopping, Gospel music, baseball and eating provided the backdrop for plenty of good times with family. And more extended family time in Texas is in store for next weekend!! I need to let that inspire me to get a lot done here in the meantime.

(Interestingly, after I posted what's above on Facebook on Monday, a set of Facebook memories today prompted this post with the shared pictures from the 2018 version of the upcoming family time: These were from last year. The fun times just keep on coming — or maybe I’m easily entertained!)

Sunday, June 16, 2019

God's great faithfulness to fathers and all

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me and to fathers and to all of Your creation.

My Daddy and my husband's dad, plus my grandpas, were on my mind as I prepared to sing about God’s great faithfulness on Father’s Day. Some of my fond memories of singing at church involve them. I know they are continuing to love and support me in heaven. The older I get, the more I treasure God’s faithfulness and the blessings he gives through parents, families, friends and churches.

Friday, June 7, 2019

More stubborn than Gideon

Progress comes slowly for me.

I've been praying for guidance. God is giving it.

It's up to me to act.

What will it take???

Bible study readings all week have described my situation and offered practice guidance from Scripture as well as modern writers' experiences.

From the first two days of a Levi Lusko study:
Your self-sabotaging mechanism might be your negative thoughts, it might be your actions (or lack thereof), your bad behavior or short temper. It might be your harsh speech or the way you mindlessly turn to social media or food to distract yourself from what is really going on. ... The problem isn’t that we struggle with these things, the problem comes when we refuse to acknowledge them, when we decide it is easier to go quietly into the night instead of putting up a fight.
I don’t believe that we don’t desire victory in our lives; no one wants to be stagnant - stuck in a rut of the same ol’ roadblocks. It’s just that we don’t want to put in the hard yards or commit to God’s instructions that show us the way we can live as victors. ... So this is the day. God brought you to this moment to declare war. On your darkness, on your demons, on your self-sabotaging tendencies, on the version of yourself that you don’t want to be, to throw off the gloves, and rise to the fight, to commit to leaning in as we tackle vital components of the inner struggle. There is freedom in this declaration: I / De / Clare / War
He then asks some questions: What's holding you back? Who can I share this list with to keep me accountable? I made the list but was unwilling to share it.
Lusko's second day referred to the biblical story of Gideon, from Judges 6:1-40, which also was referenced in another study I read this week. Both noted that God didn't accept any of Gideon's excuses. Gideon asked God for more and more signs and wonders before acting, but finally he did act, and God accomplished what was needed and promised. Maybe I'm in that process. 
From Lusko: At the root of the matter ... we feel insecure and we buy into the lie that we aren’t good enough. So, instead of dealing with the lie, we wear a mask as a defense mechanism to cover up the insecurity. But let me tell you this: Living out of your insecurity is the secret to a miserable life.
Look at the life of Gideon and his journey from miserable insecurity to vulnerability and, finally, power. Gideon was haunted by a low opinion of himself and it made him uncomfortable with who God called him to be. ... To make a long story short, Gideon accepts the challenge and raises up an army. God planned on stacking the deck against Gideon in such a way that it would be unmistakable as to who the credit should go to when he was victorious.
There is a valuable lesson to be learned in Gideon’s story: ... Before the battle of the fist comes the battle of the mind. The cure for insecurity is understanding your true identity. That is to say that when you know who you are, it doesn't matter who you are not. That’s why God told Gideon he was a mighty warrior. Don’t focus on what you aren’t, focus on what you are! You are loved by God.  ... And the good news for us insecure mask-wearing phonies is that if we were the ones who put the mask on, we can just as easily take it off and begin to walk in the power and the purpose set out before us.
Meanwhile, these are the words of encouragement drawn from Gideon, offered in the other study I read yesterday:

The words of Gideon’s question in this passage leap readily to our own lips: “If the Lord is with us, why then has all this befallen us?” (verse 13, rsv).
God seems so far away when our lives are filled with death, suffering, boredom, jobs we don’t like, people we don’t understand, circumstances we can’t change. We listen for the answer to Gideon’s question in hopes we may hear an answer to our own. But as so often happens in the encounters between God and people in the Bible, there is no answer, at least not what we would ordinarily classify as an answer. Rather, there is a command: “Save Israel from Midian” (verse 14, msg).
Gideon’s response is much like ours would be: “Look at me. My clan’s the weakest in Manasseh and I’m the runt of the litter” (verse 15, msg). But God showed Gideon that there was to be no more introspection over past failures, no speculation on the ways of fate, no self-evaluation. The initiative was in God’s hands, as it had been back in Egypt. Gideon had only to obey and adhere to the promise. He had only to serve, and God would bring the victory.

When, Lord? When will I be willing to step forward in faith? Continuing to pray .....

Saturday, June 1, 2019

I have a story to tell

this is a placeholder, to be edited later.

This is from a very good Bible study on the Bible app:

“There may be a lot of reasons for you to say no to this trip,” he said. “But please, don’t let fear be one of them.”
That one line exposed the truth for me. I was basing this decision on a storm I was imagining. In an attempt to avoid an unwanted consequence, I was allowing fear to push me around. Once I named the fear, it lost a lot of its power, and so I found the courage I needed to say yes.
Sometimes we’re afraid to move because we want to avoid an unwanted consequence. This is when our lives become marked by hiding from the potential storms of loneliness, failure, isolation, or invisibility. If we don’t take cover, then we might be overcome.
Since that experience I have learned to ask before every difficult decision: Am I being led by love or pushed by fear? We can’t prevent storms from coming, but we can decide not to invent our own.

Friday, May 31, 2019

Well done, sister! Well done

I am so proud of Amy. I had to write this for a May 31 time stamp. I'll update it this weekend. (I didn't update it. Sigh.)

Thursday, May 30, 2019

Grateful for the pause

When my world starts to spin out of control, logic tells me I need to multitask. I need to do more to keep up.

Recently, spiritual practices have been giving a different answer. When things get crazy, it's more important than ever to pause, to pray, to focus on God. To be reminded that it's not my job to make sure everything turns out the way I or someone else thinks it should.

If the world is starting to go to fast, I can trust God to let me slow down. It's an act of faith,  demonstrating my belief that God, and not I, am in control.

My job is to do what I can, the best that I can. I can trust that if, in fact, I need to work harder and faster, God will give me the wisdom and energy to know what to do and get it done.

Even though I know these things, it's hard not to return to my default pattern of getting anxious and worrying and spinning my wheels in inefficient activity.
Old habits are hard to break. Last weekend, I committed to get to bed by 11 p.m. I said I would drop whatever I was doing by 10:30 or 10:45 at the latest to give my chance to have the light out by 11.
With my husband as an ally, I had pretty good success with this commitment from Saturday through Tuesday. I was feeling positive effects.
I'm not sure what all happened Thursday (other than the fact that my husband left for a multiday trip), but when I realized I wouldn't be finished with a task by 10:30, I kept working. Before I knew it, it was after 12:30 a.m., and I was still working on various aspects. I didn't turn off the light to go to sleep until about 1:30 a..m.
The unfortunate result was that, when I awoke this morning, my head was spinning more than ever. That's what got me back on the multitask track -- until I finally realized it was making things worse instead of better. The more I tried to do, the more I saw that I needed to do.
Finally, I hit the pause button. I stopped to pray, to focus on God, to reaffirm my faith. I wrote about what I had experienced. 
I also started making a list as things came to mind I thought I needed to get done. I could sort them by priorities and urgency.  The day started to look more manageable. I could thank God, and I did. 
More to come ....

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Best intentions

I finally have ideas I'd like to write about, but where did the time go? I hope to soon get back to write about the thrill of knowing another generation of Mom's girls will be singing solos at church.

I could also write about how helpful it has been to have a few nights of getting to bed by 11 p.m. -- even though I'm missing that by more than an hour tonight.

I could write about weathering storm warnings, and trying to decide whether to wean off a medication, whether the risks outweigh the benefits.

Would I be fishing for compliments if I told how I hooked another one or three on Memorial Day -- and one person to whom I showed the picture thought it was from last year, an honest mistake since I had on similar if not the very same clothes!

Suffice it to say, despite my lack of fulfillment of my best intentions on blogging tonight, life is good and I am grateful!

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Who's keeping score?

I think this is the longest I've ever gone without "checking in" on the blog, except perhaps a time or two I announced in advance that I would be taking a break.


This time, life interrupted. It wasn't more life than was happening while I was continuing to check in with a word or two. It was just enough to keep me distracted from thinking about blogging or not blogging.

As the month nears its conclusion, that scorekeeper in my brain has me aware that time is running out and I haven't made any points!! Ha!

And even though I'm typing now and will post this, I'm pretty sure the truth is I'm still not going to make a point. That will continue the streak that has been ongoing! (Where but here can I score without making a point??)

Maybe the point is that as hard as I try to not come back to this blog to post until I have something worthwhile to write, I can't resist for long. And that's OK, too.


I'll still be pleased if at some POINT, eventually, I manage to write something of significance.