A Different Kind of Lent (Part 4): Still messy

Despite the messiness of this Lenten season, I hoped I would be able to wrap up into the tidy package of an essay the highlights of what I experienced, learned and continue to ponder.

Right.

Instead, I'll just list, for my own reference, some of the things I had hoped to write more about that have become my own interpretation of the church's "Messy Grace" theme for Lent:

-- that "fearless and searching moral inventory." Never before have I been so aware of the ways in which I am dishonest and driven by ego and greed. I thought I was just fearful and had lost much of the self-confidence I thought I once had.

-- noble goals for helping the economy of San Juan and Puerto Rico. I'm aware that every bit of spending done in that  U.S. territory helps as it continues to rebuild after the devastation of last fall's hurricane. I fell pretty far short of my goal.

-- On top of that, I have a sense of guilt about a couple of sand dollars I came home with from San Juan. I don't think they were still alive, but based on my internet research, they were in the condition that it's best to leave them in the sand. But my greed and impatience took over, so I rationalized I could go ahead and take them since this might be my only chance to get whole sand dollars. Unfortunately, rationalization, greed and impatience are some of the things I am trying to get rid of through that "fearless and searching moral inventory," sometimes referred to as a spiritual housecleaning. I'm not sure what the outcome will be. It also leaves me unable to ignore that I made an even worse decision regarding beach creatures last fall on Clearwater Beach, Fla.

-- I achieved my goal of getting media credentials, on behalf of my former employer, for this year's Bassmaster Classic, and I wrote some stories for The Oklahoman. Two of the three Oklahoma anglers competing in the Classic finished first and second on the first two days, with the other not far behind. So a bigger story than I planned seemed merited, since I was writing for an Oklahoma publication. Suffice it to say, trying to write a meaningful story on deadline reminded me why I no longer am a reporter. One moment, I swore off ever trying to write again for a newspaper. But before the day was over, I wasn't sure that's the conclusion God had for me. So, again, the verdict is still out. Messy, messy. But there was so much grace throughout that process, and even what I clearly view as miracles.

-- A couple of the other messy details during these weeks of Lent involved a loved one getting treatment for cancer and the resignation of a beloved church choir director, whose final Sunday with us will be Easter, ending with the Hallelujah Chorus.  Sometimes I just don't know what to say or do.

I'm better at making messes than cleaning them up.

I need Easter .....

A different kind of Lent (Part 3): Yes, it’s messy

The Lenten theme this year at the church I attend is Messy Grace, and even though I haven’t participated in many of the activities and missed two Sundays that focused on the theme, I can say my Lent has had its share of messy grace. 

The Maundy Thursday service was described as a messy meal and celebration of the Lord’s Supper. I was confused about when the meal would be, so I figured I would eat at home, skip the church meal and just go to the service at 7. But when I got there, the front of the sanctuary was filled with tables where people were eating. So I ate again. And then we had communion. And then we stripped the church of all its adornments. 

This came at the end of a messy two days for me, so I’m not sure how well I engaged in what was going on. But I won’t be surprised if I become aware of lessons in the next day or two. Stay tuned. 

A Different Kind of Lent (Part 2): Giving Jesus My Heart With Acts of Love

Yes, this has been a different kind of Lent. 

A devotional series shared by my niece Diana became very important and instructional for me.

The devotions were from the book "Practicing Love: Family Devotions for Lent" by Leah and Robyn Perrault, available on Kindle.


I looked forward to Diana's Facebook posts each day with simple lessons designed especially for families, As she shared the lessons, they reminded me of her and her sweet family, including two precious children, Ian and Belle. I'm so grateful to God that they have found a loving and supportive church home near where they live.
 
As the series moved into Holy Week, I was aware that the daily prayer had become one that often provided a quick checkpoint for me.

The prayer: "Jesus, I give you my heart with my acts of love today."

I'd find myself assessing: How am I doing with that?

Tonight, when I was stressed out after spending too long shopping for groceries and other items in Walmart, and knowing I still had to stop by CVS to pick up a prescription that likely would have some complications with insurance, I thought of the prayer and recited it in my car. Lord, help me remember that I show love to you by showing love to others.

The pharmacy stop did not go well, and I doubt the emotions I felt and expressed showed a lot of love for Jesus. Fortunately, most of the frustration and negativity was kept within the confines of my car and the initial words of a text that I managed to edit severely before sending to my husband, who was out of town. I clearly was more restrained and gracious that I felt like being, even though I did have a moment of having to cry out loudly (I refuse to call it a scream, at least in print) in my car. Maybe that bit of restraint counts as an act of love to myself and the people at the pharmacy -- and thus to Jesus. 

That may not be a great example of how the prayer has influenced me positively, but it's the one on my mind as I'm winding down for the day. 

I just know that my circumstances at the start of Lent kept me from looking for a spiritual discipline or devotion to commit to, but I'm grateful this one found me. I haven't followed by niece's posts faithfully, but still that important prayer embedded its way into my spirit: "Jesus, I give you my heart with my acts of love today."

I ordered the book today for my Kindle app and am catching up as part of my Holy Week contemplation.  I doubt I do all the activities, but I should be able to read the Scriptures and the insights offered.  Written with families and young children in mind, they are presented in simple terms but don't avoid the messy parts of relationships -- including those experienced by Jesus in the days leading up to His crucifixion. 

Ordering the book was also an act of love, as I'm trying to become more aware of the importance of paying for the creative work of authors, artists, musicians and others that I benefit from. This is good for those creative producers as well as for my own soul and spirit. 

And somehow -- even with that momentary meltdown as I drove from the drive-through window to a parking place so I could go inside and wait at CVS -- I see how each small step of progress and better choice is moving me toward Easter and a renewed and fuller relationship with God and the love of Christ.

A different kind of Lent (probably Part 1)

It's been a full month since I've posted anything on this blog, and that has frustrated me greatly as I missed each self-imposed, weekly deadline. So many things were on my mind, but posting on the blog was not a high priority among them.

Until this weekend.

And now some of the things on my mind are starting to shape into written words that I feel certain God will use to teach me.

For starters, it's Holy Week. I'm aware it's been a different kind of Lent for me.

It started on Ash Wednesday, which was also Valentine's Day, when I realized I probably had the flu. I had agreed on Monday to help with the Ash Wednesday service at church, but I had to call back and cancel when the flu symptoms took hold.

My focus that week and the rest of the month became getting well, not spreading sickness, regaining my strength and then trying to catch up. I felt grateful every day for my husband's gracious caretaking and also for the circumstances that free me from feeling guilty about staying home from work when I'm sick. (Translation: I no longer have a job.)

Most years, I try to take on a special daily reading, discipline or act of devotion during Lent. I usually try to do some intentional soul-searching in preparation for the Easter celebration of Christ's resurrection. I often embrace some program offered by my church or another religious organization.

Not this year.

And it wasn't just because of the flu. Even as I was regaining health and strength, I was trying to plan and pack for a two-week span starting in early March including separate trips to Puerto Rico and South Carolina, with only about 15 hours at home in between!!

I did manage to pack and make the trips, and both had many enjoyable moments. They also had some challenges that may have been directly related to the lack of the kind of discipline the Lenten season usually brings about for me.

Looking back, I see I also did the heavy lifting of a major housecleaning project during that pre-travel time of Lent. It didn't involve sorting through the clutter of my front room or other places my stacks of newspapers, clothes, keepsakes and other "stuff" have migrated. It did involve a "searching and fearless moral inventory," to clear out the clutter of my mind, soul and spirit.

While the pre-travel jostling of my mind, soul and spirit likely contributed to some of the challenges along the road, I'm also certain it created the environment for me to learn and grow from the challenges as well as a number of opportunities.

And now, as Holy Week brings the Lenten season to a close, I see God showing me I didn't waste this time, but there remains much to learn and discern. It's time to be still, to truly focus on God and His gift of love through the sacrifice of His Son, to overcome my sins and the sins of the world, and then to rise above them. I'm grateful and ready.