Identity undefined

A year ago today was my last day of employment. I've been blessed all my life, including before and after I was laid off after 34 years working as a journalist at Oklahoma City's daily newspaper.

What surprises me most in the past year is how little progress I've made in redefining my identity. I'm still a daughter, sister, cousin, Christian, wife, aunt, friend and encourager. I don't really consider myself a journalist right now. I had hoped to still be a writer, but the verdict is out on that. 

I had hoped to be a more consistent volunteer. Instead, I'm as sporadic as ever in my charitable service work.  

I had hoped to have some big house-cleaning projects taken care of and new ones started. All I can claim is progress. 

I feel more relaxed. I am healthier in many ways, although some aspects of aging continue to tease me.

I am more aware than ever of how much I love my husband and he loves me. 

I'm grateful for the past year and for the 57 years of my life that preceded it.

I found myself wondering today, on the plane flying back to Oklahoma from a trip with my husband to Clearwater Beach, Florida, whether I've lost some of my mental sharpness in the past year. I tend to think I have. But then I think back to how exhausted, stressed and burned-out I was. That wasn't healthy, and nothing I tried was fixing the situation. I'm still searching for balance.

Thursday's Upper Room Daily Devotional offered a timely reminder about my identity. It was written by Teresa Coda, who said she had been a teacher but described herself as being "between careers." Matthew 16:18 ("Jesus said, 'I tell you, you are Peter, and 
on this rock I will build my church.'") reminds her that Simon Peter's identity didn't come from his work or his actions but from his faith. She continued: "So it is with me. My primary identity comes from my faith, from being a child of God."

And so it is with me. It still doesn't seem like enough. And I know it is: God's love for me is the foundation. It is sure. It is real. It empowers me to do and be what He would have me do and be. I don't have to see where I'm headed. I just have to love and trust the One Who is leading me. And I do.

Keeping secrets

I feel like I've been keeping secrets!!

I'd usually post on Facebook about my very bloody tongue bite and my very swollen elbow, both of which occurred in recent weeks. And then my cold, which threatened to derail a busy weekend that included my 40th anniversary high school reunion and a relative's 65th birthday party. 

 

It surprised me I didn't share as they happened. 

But, of course, I can't resist eventually sharing. I thought I might tonight. 

But apparently not! 

Ha! Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. 

I know I want to get back to writing to give me hope for preserving the details about images and memories I've stored up the past few months! I have to figure out how to fit into the priorities of a day or week.

Still no words

Here it is another self-imposed blog deadline, and I've got nothing but excuses and rationale. I was going through photos on my iPhone to clear up some space before my 40th high school reunion on Saturday, and I saw so many images from experiences that I had hoped to write about and share. But it just hasn't happened. Writing is such a slow process for me, and I have needed to focus on other things. It frustrates me that I can't make quick work of writing and then have time for everything else.

Last week I had no words and was pretty much OK with that. This week I'm not as accepting of the situation, but I'm still not going to get anything done about it tonight. It is what it is -- as much as I hate to ever hear that, much less write it. So I might as well accept it, for tonight. Let go! Let God! And be grateful that I can let go and let God. He is faithful and loves me even when I feel as if I'm failing, falling so short of my best. That gives me hope that springs eternal, morning by morning.

No words

I can't think of anything to write about to meet my self-imposed blog deadline tonight. Just for today, I'm OK with that. And grateful.

I'm back in Norman after spending a couple of days with Mom in Texas. All of the various treatments she has been getting for her back pain have finally turned things around. (For the record: She still has some pain, but it is no longer debilitating, praise God!) I could barely keep up yesterday as I went along when she went to Muenster for PT and on to Gainesville for errands! 

I'm grateful to God and all who prayed, helped and offered encouragement. And I'm grateful to Mom for not giving up or giving in to the pain. And I'm grateful to Becky   and her family for all they do to keep things going all the time but especially during times like this. 

Mom is still the glue for our family, but I can't even imagine how much harder it would be for all of us if Becky and her family weren't close by and so gracious to do so much. 

I'm filled with love and gratitude for my family

Now what?

I guess I've answered the question of whether I am a writer.

Now I face even bigger questions.
What am I going to do about it?
Where does it fit in with my life? 
Is it a passion or an obsession? An addiction?
Can I do it in a healthy way?
Is the time and effort worth the result?
What are the costs of not pursuing my passion as a writer?
Perhaps the biggest question: Can my marriage survive me pursuing my passion for writing?


Again: Where does it fit in with my life?

A lesson that presented itself again last week is that I tend to crave a wide audience and realm of influence, but God keeps bringing me back to focusing on whom or what is in front of me. My mind keeps trying to figure out the big picture and how to make a big difference, but I'm much more effective when I focus on what's in front of me. KEEP IT SIMPLE.

Of course, that presents another dilemma. Because focusing and keeping it simple are two of the hardest things for me to do.

But I see time and time again that the effort of slowing down, focusing and trying to keep it simple pays off.

Another key, of course, is balance, which is especially essential as I fend off perfectionism.

So: I will continue to write. The verdict is still out on whether I will try again to write for compensation or to fulfill a commitment or expectation. I'm grateful to be in a situation where I don't have to make a quick decision.

God is at work, Part 4

This could have had any number of titles and subtitles.

One of my catchphrases, "God is at work," came back to me powerfully after church Sunday. It's a term I began using as a focal point a year or so ago (May 2016), during a time when I was seeing God move in my life despite my efforts to resist.

It's definitely happening again. The first subtitle possibility that came to mind was the one from last year: "Resistance is futile." But just as accurate this year is "Sit back, watch and learn."

Lots of Scriptures also came to mind. The one that fits the best is probably Proverbs 3:5-6 -- "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Or maybe Isaiah 55:8 -- " 'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord."

For close to a year, I've been praying for clear direction on God's will and purpose for my life. And I've remained mostly confounded, even as I've continued to, as faithfully and cheerfully as possible, follow where I've felt God is leading.

Recent weeks through Sunday have brought some cool examples of God at work in my life.

One involved that whole adventure of trying again to write for pay and publication. It proved I am still a writer. It also showed me that if I'm going to pursue that passion, I must trust God to help me find a healthier way to do it.

The writing adventure also helped me see that, at this point in my life, writing may be one of my passions, but it cannot be my priority. Unlike when I had a job as a journalist, now writing really is secondary to other responsibilities, including projects around the house and for and with my husband.

This past weekend helped me see that so many of the things I, with my "perfectionistic tendencies,"  fret over really don't matter. God is at work, and God is in charge!

A prime example involved trying to decide how best to spend my time. I wanted to attend three events involving Point of Grace: the Friday night concert in Ponca City, more than two hours from my Norman home; a private event involving the Crossings Community Church music ministry on Saturday night (nearly an hour away in northwest Oklahoma City); and the Sunday night concert at Crossings.

I also wanted to attend a block party my church in Norman was hosting Sunday night.

I wanted to do it all. It was clear I couldn't do it all. I wanted to attend the Point of Grace concerts with friends, but I couldn't find anyone to go with me. Part of why I love Point of Grace is the singers are all about faith, family and friends. I long to be part of the "Circle of Friends" they sing about. But the reality is I would be going to the events alone. And even in a hall with hundreds of people, I can isolate.

I had wrangled an invitation to the Crossings choir event on Saturday, but then had second thoughts about going, for three reasons. First, I doubted I would fit in, even though I had been invited. Second, after having driven more than four hours Friday evening, I didn't look forward to two more hours driving Saturday. Third, I wasn't sure I would be finished with things I needed to do Saturday in time to go.

Praying about it Saturday morning, I realized I didn't have to decide early if I wasn't going to go to the choir event. I could see how the day unfolded. So, I went to my 12-step meeting, then I went to the animal sanctuary to pet the kitties and leave a donation, something I had not done for several weeks and really needed and wanted to do.

Then I started working on a review of Friday's concert. The writing was going amazingly well for me, but I was aware that time was ticking away, and I needed to make a decision about going to the event that night. About 3 p.m., I prayerfully sent a text to my host, saying I realized I would not be able to make it, but I looked forward to seeing him Sunday night. I kept working on my review and submitted it a little before 5 p.m.

At that time, I had not heard back from my host, and I was starting to worry he hadn't gotten my text and would think I didn't show up without letting him now. A few minutes later, I got a text from him, saying he understood about Saturday. He added he would not be there Sunday, because the church leadership was making a quick trip out of town, leaving after church.

I can't put into words how I felt at that moment. Of all the possible scenarios I had come up with as I tried to decide when I needed to be where to get my maximum amount of joy and satisfaction -- wait, I mean be of maximum use to God! -- this was nowhere to be found. I wanted to change my mind, say, "You know what, I just realized I can make it!" (Because at that time, I actually could, since the review was written.)

But I was so surprised by the turn of events that I just decided it was meant to be that way. And given what happened next, I still think that's true, even though I hate that I missed seeing the choir director interact with the members of Point of Grace, with whom he had attended college.

What I did instead was head to my front room to work on a dreaded and overwhelming task of purging years of stored treasures and junk.

Sunday, I awoke realizing I had another unresolved choice. Would I go to the second Point of Grace concert or would I go to my church's block party? Almost stubbornly, I was pretty sure I would go to the concert. But the energy and excitement at my church during morning worship turned my thinking to the possibility I could do both. I would go to Oklahoma City for the first part of the concert and leave after an hour, which would get me back to Norman at least in time to help with cleanup.

So I went to the concert. But when it was 7 o'clock, I stayed rather than leave, even as I was overwhelmed with feelings of not being part of that elusive "circle of friends."

Since then, I've been pretty comfortable with how things turned out, which is amazing for me, considering how much time I spent during the weekend going over the possibilities before and after I made decisions, and when the circumstances changed. (For a time on Sunday, I felt certain that if I could do it over again, knowing what I knew then, I would have done things differently.)

I decided to trust that God gave me the information and insight when He wanted me to have it. I used that information to make decisions. I am more aware now how self-serving some of the decisions were, but I can't change the past.

Here's what I think God is really trying to teach me, and I see it more clearly right now: It doesn't matter which thing I choose. Just don't worry so much about it. Pray, decide and act. Pray, trust and obey. (Maybe that should be: pray, obey and trust!)


So I continue to live and, hopefully, learn -- including to be less resistant as God shows me what He's going to do!