More than a month of thanksgiving

Much about the month of Thanksgiving has seemed difficult for me. It seems as if ever since we changed back from daylight saving time, I've been more tired, and day-to-day life has been a struggle. Does winter get harder as we age? That's seeming to be the case, but maybe (I hope) I'm just going through a phase.

Even as much about November has seemed difficult, and I'm still more tired than I think I should be, I cannot contain the joy and gratitude I do feel. It's readily expressed in smiles and excited conversation when people at work or church or elsewhere ask me how my Dad is doing after his lung surgery. I can go on and on talking about those precious moments that make my heart sing and my soul rejoice. Writing about them isn't as easy. (And the pictures I took didn't adequately capture the moments, either.) But I want to write about them, to help me never forget.

Highlights, as simply as possible:
-- Knowing Daddy was back on the farm Nov. 24, the afternoon before Thanksgiving. How I wish I could have been there to see him. But it was enough just to know. Daddy was born on that farm and has lived there most of his life. I like that Mom picked him up at the rehab hospital and drove him home and didn't call to tell any of the kids until they were there. But from what she said, after that, the house had a steady stream of family members until Sunday afternoon.
-- Hearing Daddy tell the stories of my only brother and my youngest of four sisters working together to rearrange furniture to make things a little more convenient for Mom and Dad. Mike and Amy also did projects around the farm and went to a ballgame together. To hear Daddy tell it, neither one was in charge; they just worked as a team. I don't know how often they've done that through their 40- and 50-plus years. Daddy knows they got a lot done, but he seemed to think that even if the results hadn't been great, just watching them work was worth something.
-- Daddy saying grace for the roast dinner Mom fixed for Gene and me and Daddy on Saturday. I wondered if we'd say grace and who might be asked to do it. There was no question; Daddy just did it, humbly and from the heart.
-- Daddy's determination that he would go to church Sunday. The weather seemed cold and windy, and his immune system is probably still not up to par and he would need to take the portable oxygen container and he hadn't had a bath since Wednesday morning, but none of that seemed to deter his desire. I was grateful for that desire, and I prayed he would be able to follow through. But I was prepared for it not to work out. I told him that if he tried but ended up getting too tired or it was too much trouble, he could wait until next week. But when I got to church in Gainesville Sunday morning, Mom drove up with Amy and Daddy right behind me. Again, I cannot express how much that meant to me. The people of that church are like extended family to me, and to see how joyful people of all ages seemed to see Charles back -- again, it just makes me smile. (There's so much more that I want to write here, but again, I'm trying to keep it simple.)
-- And then there's the gratitude for Mom and the lessons I learn from her. This is probably the hardest to put into words, so I won't get it done tonight. I just know that I learn so many valuable lessons of faith and action and support and love and endurance and so much more from her. She's definitely the glue that holds our family together. She is an amazing woman. (I had a bad experience at the dentist today, and one of my thoughts was that my Mom certainly did not raise me to be such a whiny, easily frustrated person! I'm still learning!)

One of my recurring awarenesses in November and probably even before we learned of the possibility Daddy might have cancer in mid-August is that I don't understand why God keeps being so good to me and my family and why, even when it looks like things could get bad, we keep receiving blessings. I know God is that good, but I also know that the reality of life is that His goodness often will be manifest in times of pain and suffering and grief and sorrow, not just during the celebrations and healing and recovery. I do know that, as a family, we have managed to stay focused on the blessings even in what mostly seem like relatively minor or routine sufferings in the scheme of life (and yes, there have been some major ones, and we've kept a faithful focus in those, too). I pray that I will never fail to praise God for His blessings -- including the blessing of seeing His goodness when the good isn't obvious. But when the good is obvious, I just want to shout and sing and praise God.

And so it is as the month of Thanksgiving draws to a chose. Thank you, God!

Simple Thanksgiving

I don't want to let Thanksgiving Day end without writing some words of gratitude. I'm going through a phase where I'm so tired I can hardly think, but I still need/want to write. Last night, I went to bed without reading my Bible, brushing my teeth or washing my face for the the first time in longer than I can remember. And I still woke up tired for an untraditional Thanksgiving. I didn't watch any parades or fix or eat turkey, dressing or any of the familiar foods. Gene and I just had grilled fish and veggies. Yummy! No visits or company. Just us and the cat. And morning to bedtime sports on television. It's not my preferred way for spending Thanksgiving, but this year I think it may have been perfect.

One thing that made it right is that I know my Daddy is back on the farm, just short of two months from when he went to the hospital for surgery for lung cancer. I think it actually took him longer to get back home than we expected, but I cannot express how grateful I am that he had the surgery and that it was successful and that he and Mom persevered through all of the hospital and rehab stays to make this possible. I would have loved to have been there to share those moments as he arrived back at the home place, but my heart rejoices just to know. Knowing other siblings were there for Thanksgiving made it easier for me to wait until the weekend to visit. I can hardly wait!

But I'm also reminded that this is the first Thanksgiving without a dear loved one for many people. Several who are dear to me lost parents or spouses or other close loved ones this year. I know of at least one instance in which my excitement about my father ended up being painful for one of these people. And there was nothing I could do to make it OK after the pain was realized. I'm still praying to know the proper balance.

As I often write on this blog and was reminded when I reviewed some things for my blog "anniversary," I'm grateful to have the freedom to write down my thoughts and publish them even when they're not very well developed. Posts such as this seem to plant seeds or cultivate thoughts or habits that lead to the few posts that I really feel good about.

So, I still haven't said what I mean to say about thanks and gratitude. This year, I've tried to keep in mind to Whom my thanks and praise are due. It is God. I thank God for the good, and I thank God as I face challenges. I praise Him for Who He is. I try not to just thank God for what He's done for me. I'm learning and really taking to heart that God is worthy of worship, praise and thanksgiving no matter what is going on in my life. God loves me unconditionally. That alone should be enough for unending praise and gratitude. But in addition to that, because He loves me, He just keeps blessing me. On Thanksgiving and always, I pray that my life will be one that reflects my gratitude and praise, to God's glory.

The journey continues

I realized last Saturday that I missed my blog anniversary. And I'm just now writing about it! Amazing.

I started Nov. 5, 2009. My goals were pretty meager.
-- Post at least one thing each week.
-- Feel free to go back in and edit.
-- See where it leads.
-- Give the glory to God.

The good news is that I can say I've achieved them. The bad news is that the goals were pretty meager, so I'm not sure I accomplished much.

It's been much more me-focused than I had hoped. I would like to be writing more descriptive narrative expressing appreciation for things I see outside myself, rather than so much about what's going on in my own life and mind. But maybe that's like wishing I could sing with a more resonant voice, or wishing I could swim and dive. I've made attempts to learn those things, and what I was being taught just didn't seem to work for me. It's like trying to write right-handed. Some people can do it well, myself included, others not so much. Maybe my distinct writing voice, like my singing voice, is destined to be fairly simple. To the casual observer, it probably seems immature and undeveloped. And maybe that's OK. Simple things deserve appreciation, too, perhaps.

One of my recent spiritual lessons has included a look at why some churches are good at raising money and doing whatever it takes to accomplish great things, while it seems as if the ones I am most closely connected to struggle even to meet operating expenses and adequately pay the pastor and staff. Yes, we get a lot done in ministry and fellowship and caring for people within and outside the congregation, but when it comes to doing GREAT things for God, it seems I'm not the only one who's holding back mightily. A thought I had about this during last Sunday's sermon (drawn from verses in Nehemiah 6) was that maybe I'd get lost in one of those churches filled with supergenerous saints. Maybe God also needs the witness of churches filled with people who struggle to respond to His call. And maybe I need the struggle to stay real.

I was pondering some of this as I drove to work one day this week, and I had to ask myself (again): Who am I to say this isn't exactly how God wants me to be? As I told a friend, the way I am seems pretty lame to me, but God keeps finding ways to use me. But how do I know for sure whether this is God's perfect will for me, or whether He's just continuing to work all things, even my failure to achieve my best for Him, to His greater good. (Did I say I have a simple voice? Maybe I should have said simplistic -- underdeveloped and confused. Fortunately, it's also a probing voice that keeps seeking to know more.)

So, I'll keep on keeping on, with the blog and with life and with seeking to know and do God's will. Sometimes an anniversary or birthday or new year prompts me to set new goals. I think I'll just keep the ones I have for the blog. But I am praying to become willing to be willing to set some goals for specific aspects of my life, especially regarding specific uses of time and money where I know my excesses don't really hurt anyone, and maybe not even me, but I also know that adjustments would surely enrich my life and my ability to help others.

As I wrote in the first blog post: The urge to write never leaves. ... When I joined FaceBook recently to help stay in touch with family members, something about the power of written expression was rekindled within me. Framing thoughts into phrases or sentences and then posting them -- publishing them -- invigorated me. And when FaceBook friends commented .... wow! I've had to ask myself: Is this a blessing or a curse? I've asked the question prayerfully, and so far, the answer is that it's a blessing. And so I've started what is a new adventure for me. It's possible nothing will show up on this blog that will be of interest to anyone other than the writer. But it's also possible something will emerge that is worth the time and thought of a reader. I look forward to finding out.

The journey continues!

Bearing fruit?

The two topics I brought up last week have continued to be on my mind.

-- "Bear Fruit or Else."
-- "Am I praying or just wishing?"

When I think of the fruit I think I should be bearing, I don't think I'm being very productive. My to-do list gets longer and longer, not helped by the fact that I'm getting more and more behind on even routine things. The parable of a garden owner, the garden keeper and a fig tree within it in Luke 13:6-9 could really discourage me. If God gave me a deadline for getting my act together in terms of physical and material things, organization, getting stuff done, being efficient, etc., I'd be doomed. But fortunately Scripture also draws me to Galatians 5:22, where the fruits of the spirit are listed: Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Do those fruits really matter more than a clean house, efficient use of money and time, getting things done or producing results? That thought gives me hope, because I do see evidence of those fruits in my life as I continue to read the Bible and pray to know and do God's will.

The other thing I've been very aware of recently is the idea of whether sometimes my prayers are really just wishes. In the same way the concept of bearing fruit forces me to consider what kind of fruit matters, the idea of prayers versus wishes makes me contemplate the meaning of each. I realize that, for me, wishing is magical. I want things to be different automatically, just because I want it. I don't want to have to work for it. Or I just want to be magically transformed into having the willingness and ability to do what it takes. On the other hand, I realize that my concept of praying is communicating with God and seeking to surrender my will to Him. This isn't magical. It usually involves action on my part, although it doesn't have to. God does perform miracles and lavishes me with love and mercy and grace and blessings that sometimes seem magical. But such things can always be traced to the hand of a faithful, loving, merciful, sovereign, holy God.

It's worthwhile for me to make sure my prayers are really prayers and not just wishes. That also helps keep me attuned to the source of all my blessings and to praise God in all things.

This fruit's far from ready.....

I hope to be writing soon, offering more meditations on sermon titles and related Scriptures and sayings. Among them:

-- "Bear Fruit or Else."
-- "Am I praying or just wishing?"

But for now, if I want to bear fruit, I've got to get out of this chair. Maybe there will be wireless internet where I'm headed, and I'll have a chance to write then. But writing is not the most important thing today, even though I do think I'll find benefit in posting even these few words.

I'm grateful for a gracious gardener who nurtures the fruit with patience and loving care, even as "or else" looms as a spiritual and physical reality.

Never Give Up and other words to live by

Some of the words I've lived by in the past week (and for quite a while before that, actually) seem worth sharing:

"Never give up." I remember the sermon title more than I remember the sermon, based on 2 Timothy 4:6-8, which includes: "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will give to me on that day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing." The spiritual reminder, which also was the focus of the midweek "Seeking Hour" Bible study, was especially timely as my Dad's recovery from lung cancer has hit some plateaus and a setback or two. It seems the Scripture called out to me right as I was starting to get frustrated and have doubts (and fears) about his health. It bouyed me as I prepared to go to visit my Dad, while I was there and since then as he has returned to the hospital from rehab care. In less serious matters, the words of the sermon title have come to mind as I've watched the Texas Rangers struggle and come back in their playoff run and now slow start (down 2-0) in the World Series; dealt with a sick cat; dealt with continuing work difficulties; and as I've gotten more and more tired. (I have to confess, as well, that the most familiar Scripture that comes to mind when I think of "never give up" is Philippians 3:12-14, including: "I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me." Obviously, there are many, many good words of faith and assurance available in the Bible. I'm grateful for growing faith in those words of God.)

"Ask for wisdom." This was the heading for the Oct. 18 reading of my "Truth for Today" daily devotional book by John MacArthur. "For the Lord gives wisdom" (Proverbs 9:6) was the Scriptural reference. "If you lack wisdom, you're commanded to ask God for it," MacArthur wrote. For some reason, these words unlocked something I'd been missing spiritually. I typically pray for help, I pray for healing, I pray for courage, I pray for strength, and yes, I pray to know and do God's will, which could be a blanket request for wisdom, I suppose. But something about this passage and the devotional, as well as the ones MacArthur offered in days to follow, really helped me a few days later when my kitty got sick. It's so hard for me to deal with that, and I really just wanted to ignore it or put off doing anything about it. Taking her to the vet doesn't seem to work; the vet's answer is to prescribe medicine that neither the vet nor my husband or I can get her to take. But again, I knew I had to do something. So, I prayed for wisdom. And an answer that came was to call the vet -- sooner not later, especially since I knew my husband would be headed out of town pretty soon after that. I realized I could take Bridget to the vet and leave her there if I needed to. But instead, they prescribed pills. And somehow, since my husband and I were both here this time, he was able to give her almost all of the pills and she seems to be doing much better. That may seem like a small deal, but considering how that's gone in the past, it was huge for me. I've had similar answers come in other cases where I've prayed for wisdom since that time.

"What am I going to do about it?" The text studied at my 12-step meeting last Saturday was from a story called "Acceptance Was the Answer." The story of experience, strength and hope of someone who recovered from alcoholism is packed with words to live by. "What am I going to do about it?" was part of the paragraph in which the author accepted that, as much as he didn't like it, he was an alcoholic and that he had decided he was OK with that. "When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away." Sure, that's an oversimplification, at least in most short terms. But in the big pictures of life, I've found it to be true. I need to acknowledge the reality of a situation, and then pray for wisdom to know what I can do about it. It usually involves action, but sometimes it involves sitting back; letting go and letting God.

These aren't the only words I've lived by, but it's been interesting how they've come into play several times. I'm grateful to keep learning. May I never give up on God!

Let's Hear It for the Team

For the first time in their team's history, the Texas Rangers will play in the World Series! I watched the pennant-clinching Game 6 win over the New York Yankees on television last night, and then tried to catch all the post-game interviews on three different stations airing from Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. I've read much of what I could find online today about the American League Championship Series and the players', fans', management's and various others' reactions. I love watching and reading that stuff.

I've never been to a Rangers game. I've watched many on TV, listened to quite a few on the radio and sometimes even followed online using the MLB.com GameDay or whatever that tracker is. I probably could have gone to a game or two this year, but I didn't want to jinx a season that seemed to have so much promise. (I know my going or not going doesn't really affect how a team performs, but I also know that more than one sports team has had a negative turnaround after I got my hopes up and climbed on the bandwagon. I realize that negative turnaround might have happened even if I hadn't boarded the bandwagon, but I didn't want to take a chance at the jinx. I haven't even bought any Rangers gear, although I'm grateful to a friend who brought me a plastic cup from RBiA after he went to a game. When the season is over, I WILL by a shirt.)

I enjoy watching the sports action, whether it be baseball, football or basketball, but what I can really get caught up in are the backstories. (Sometime maybe I'll write about how I first really started following the Rangers; it had to do with pitcher Kenny Rogers, but it was long after his perfect game.) Anyway, this year there were so many stories. But what comes through loud and clear, including in the post-game comments, was how much this team is about teamwork and not individual stars. The media keeps putting the spotlight on Josh Hamilton, Cliff Lee, Michael Young or various others at various times, but throughout the season, the one being focused on would not allow the attention to just be on him. And it happened again last night.

Hamilton was sheepishly humble in accepting the ALCS MVP award, which even Mrs. Gene Autry, who had some honorary position that allowed her to do the honors, said could have gone to any number of valuable Rangers. Asked to say what it meant to him, Josh -- a baseball phenom turned drug addict whose well-documented story shows he might not be alive much less playing baseball at a high level if not for the saving grace of God and some faithful Christians who helped Josh find that salvation -- first quietly but firmly insisted that the glory go to God. And then he said he had to talk about his teammates. When he did finally talk about himself, it sounded like a humility that could not be faked. At the end of that or another interview, he said softly as he looked at the plaque that he was still trying to figure out why he had it. I'm pretty sure God knows the answer to that. (An interesting aside is that if you didn't watch some of Josh's interviews live, you might wonder whether he still is giving the glory to God. That part often gets left out of the write-ups and video compilations.)

I know from experience as well as from observation that it's hard to hang on to humility. (I've even heard of situations recently in which it seems possible that even respected spiritual leaders -- yes, pastors -- might be struggling with that.) It can be hard individually and as a team, especially when you're winning or losing. (That's kinda meant as a joke!) In everything said by the Rangers team members during the pennant race run through the playoffs and now entering the World Series, the focus has remained on teamwork and, in the words they've learned so well from manager Ron Washington, in playing the game of baseball as it's presented to them each day. These guys seem to have genuine love (brotherly/good friendship love) and respect for each other. And that's so much fun to watch. And it's fun to see it be rewarded with wins.

So, let's hear it for the team: Congratulations, Texas Rangers!