Saturday, July 20, 2013

Why I am here, again

This was another of those weekends I wished I could be two places at once. It was so hard not to just hop in the Mustang and head south today for what I'm sure would have been a delightful time with family, including the growing-so-fast great nieces and nephew in Texas. And yet, I felt God was showing me that the things awaiting me closer to home were the better choice today. But less than 30 minutes before I needed to head to Oklahoma City, I still hadn't really decided for sure I wasn't going to Texas.

I ended up in Oklahoma City, and I know that was the right place. I keep telling myself it was, even as I drove around trying to figure out where to park among the chaotic streets and garages of downtown Oklahoma City. I know the reasons it was a good place. It was 12-step work, with people I need to spend time with for my physical, emotional and spiritual health. It is where I needed to be.

As the day wrapped up and I headed home, I was pretty comfortable with the decision. My next goal was to use the rest of the day to get some things done around the house and to prepare for Sunday. Of course, that was part of why I didn't want to stay close to home. The things I need to do around the house are things I could procrastinate about forever, and rushing off to Texas is a good tool for avoidance. I feel more frustrated with myself when I have time and still don't get much done. But that's how it went tonight.

Along the way, I learned that my brother from Arkansas and two of his daughters were among those in Texas. My first thought was that it was good I didn't know, because if I had known, I would have gone to Texas instead of staying where I needed to be, here in Oklahoma. But sure enough, it wasn't long before I was second-guessing myself and regretting that I hadn't gone to Texas.

And that's the thing about me that I really need to recognize and get straightened out. I need and want to quit hanging on to how I wish things were instead of how they are. The recent shift in my work schedule and its focus seems to have brought this tendency to the forefront, and decisions involving many other areas of my life are getting caught in the mess. But after three weeks on my new work schedule, it's past time for me to assess and face reality and come up with a new plan/routine/discipline that works. Wishing things were different won't make things different. I know that. But prayer does change things. I believe that. I can trust God to help me adjust my attitude and come up with a plan of small steps to make it work. I've done it before and it's time to do it again. And I'm pretty sure when I deal with that overwhelming thing called work, the rest will fall back into place.

So, let me remind myself: I was where I needed to be today. I prayed to God for guidance, and I feel certain this is where He led me. I guess the thing I need to acknowledge is that I just don't like the fact that I couldn't do it all. (That's also a key factor in what's impeding my transition at work.)

Do I trust God or not? That seems to be what it boils down to. And the answer is yes. Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. Help me live by faith, to Your glory.

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