Let me set the record straight (to myself as much as anyone): I am unemployed, not retired. I was laid off. As grateful as I am and as much as I know in my heart how good everything is for me, my mind naturally has struggled some with the reality of losing my job. It's different than being off sick, like I was at the start of the year. It's different than vacation. It's different than retiring.
Reality hit the first Monday of my unemployment. Immediately I had questions for Human Resources. Then a doctor's appointment. More HR questions involving severance, insurance and COBRA. Filing for unemployment. Realizing I needed to pay a visit to my former place of employment. Going to that office Monday was 180 degrees from what it was like to leave on Friday. I'm definitely an outsider now, after 34 years as an insider.
I've felt some sadness. A little shame. Quite a bit of confusion, mainly in the sense of not knowing what to do first or next. I've known for some time that this cat is a creature of habit, and I'm a bit lost without my routine.
I want to get a lot done. But I also feel tired and want to rest and relax. I don't want to develop any bad habits in this transition time. In fact, I'm trying to break some bad habits and start fresh. (For the first time this week, I turned on the TV in the morning, but when I realized I had missed what I hoped to see, I turned it off. I don't need to be watching talk shows or Sports Center.)
Above all, I'm still grateful. I should write a whole separate post on some of the many things and their timing that I see as clear demonstrations of God's love, presence and provision. God has especially blessed me with the amazing love, support and patience of my husband.
This is pretty disjointed, but I wanted to post something, as I wrote at the start, to set the record straight. I hope it also breaks the ice -- the writer's block -- that would tempt me to wait until I can express something wry or witty or wise before posting. It seems the way it works for me is that if I want to share the sweet music of life, I also need to be willing to write about the rocky or even mundane patches. And so I am. But it's really not that rocky at all. Nor is it mundane. It's mainly just different. And still I am grateful.