Continuous

Soul-searching (Continuous)

Dec. 2, 8:54 am, in Biloxi, Miss. 

The readings of Dec. 1 and 2 are speaking to me where I am. But my actions continue to seem to fall short. 

But -- am I missing the point that time spent turning to God as I try to figure this out honors Him??

God created me. He knows how my brain is. Lord, are You telling me it's OK to slow down and not keep trying to keep up with what I think I should be doing, based on what I see others doing??? So many things I just can't figure out -- paralyzed by either too many choices or no clue of what to do. 

I just know I feel very self-centered, selfish, self-focused, and it seems based in fear. Is it possible that, at least temporarily still for a while, it could be based in faith? 

Lord, please help me know how to serve and love and honor and obey You, to Your glory. 

Meanwhile, after more prayer and contemplation and reading the First 15 for Dec. 2, I don't think it is a mistake that I noticed those three apparently homeless men under the bridge at the end of my walk. And I'm still thinking about them as I prepare to walk today. Will I leave them $10 and maybe a bag and a T-shirt?? Will I trust that God has put this on my heart and not be afraid -- or act despite my fear?? Praying to know and respond. 

4:50 pm

I walked 2 hours and at the end gave the bridge guys $13, a cap, a T-shirt, lotion and a bag. Prayerfully. 

But I still feel very selfish. I also feel very insecure. I'm struggling to believe I'm good enough in Your eyes, Lord, much less in Gene's or anyone else's view. 

Here I am at another destination without a clue of what to see or do. And as a result I feel embarrassed, ashamed of myself for not using my resources more wisely. What is my purpose? Just support for Gene? Or should I be doing something else? Again, I have no clue. 

Maybe I need to be studying to learn something. Microsoft? Resume stuff?

Or do I just need to accept that how and where I am is how and where God wants me to be?

First 15, Dec. 4

1. Meditate on the one thing Jesus says is necessary. (Sitting at the feet of Jesus.)

“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42

2. Do you feel like you’ve chosen the good portion, or does your life feel anxious and troubled? Spend time taking an honest look at your life. Allow the Holy Spirit to illuminate what’s going on in your heart.

“Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

3. Take time to set boundaries around spending time alone with God. What encroaches on this crucial time? What often takes the place of meeting with God? Why can it be so difficult to fight for time spent at the feet of Jesus? Journal your responses.

(I don't feel peace when I take time to focus only on God. Or so it seems. My mind remains distracted by many things. Troubled and anxious. Even as I pray to cast my cares on Christ. ...)

Sitting at the feet of Jesus isn’t a time of the day, it’s a lifestyle. May you abide in God in all that you do today to his glory and your joy. .... 

In John 15:4 Jesus says, “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.” In all we do, God desires that we abide in him. We don’t leave our time alone with God and then go out into the world without him. He isn’t contained to a place or time. His presence is everywhere. Everything we do is an opportunity for relationship with our heavenly Father. He longs to help us do our work effectively with the anointing of the Spirit. He longs to help us love our family and friends. Sitting at the feet of Jesus isn’t a time of the day, it’s a lifestyle. May you abide in God in all that you do today to his glory and your joy.