Saturday, March 31, 2018

A Different Kind of Lent (Part 4): Still messy

Despite the messiness of this Lenten season, I hoped I would be able to wrap up into the tidy package of an essay the highlights of what I experienced, learned and continue to ponder.

Right.

Instead, I'll just list, for my own reference, some of the things I had hoped to write more about that have become my own interpretation of the church's "Messy Grace" theme for Lent:

-- that "fearless and searching moral inventory." Never before have I been so aware of the ways in which I am dishonest and driven by ego and greed. I thought I was just fearful and had lost much of the self-confidence I thought I once had.

-- noble goals for helping the economy of San Juan and Puerto Rico. I'm aware that every bit of spending done in that  U.S. territory helps as it continues to rebuild after the devastation of last fall's hurricane. I fell pretty far short of my goal.

-- On top of that, I have a sense of guilt about a couple of sand dollars I came home with from San Juan. I don't think they were still alive, but based on my internet research, they were in the condition that it's best to leave them in the sand. But my greed and impatience took over, so I rationalized I could go ahead and take them since this might be my only chance to get whole sand dollars. Unfortunately, rationalization, greed and impatience are some of the things I am trying to get rid of through that "fearless and searching moral inventory," sometimes referred to as a spiritual housecleaning. I'm not sure what the outcome will be. It also leaves me unable to ignore that I made an even worse decision regarding beach creatures last fall on Clearwater Beach, Fla.

-- I achieved my goal of getting media credentials, on behalf of my former employer, for this year's Bassmaster Classic, and I wrote some stories for The Oklahoman. Two of the three Oklahoma anglers competing in the Classic finished first and second on the first two days, with the other not far behind. So a bigger story than I planned seemed merited, since I was writing for an Oklahoma publication. Suffice it to say, trying to write a meaningful story on deadline reminded me why I no longer am a reporter. One moment, I swore off ever trying to write again for a newspaper. But before the day was over, I wasn't sure that's the conclusion God had for me. So, again, the verdict is still out. Messy, messy. But there was so much grace throughout that process, and even what I clearly view as miracles.

-- A couple of the other messy details during these weeks of Lent involved a loved one getting treatment for cancer and the resignation of a beloved church choir director, whose final Sunday with us will be Easter, ending with the Hallelujah Chorus.  Sometimes I just don't know what to say or do.

I'm better at making messes than cleaning them up.

I need Easter .....

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