No wonder I'm confused!

It finally registered with me why I've never really warmed up to the Contemporary English Bible that is now used by the Upper Room daily devotional: It removes the familiar phrasing with its rhythms and imagery, and at least for me, doesn’t replace it with anything clearer, more meaningful or more resonant.

Here's the familiar 23rd Psalm in the Revised Standard Version:
 

The Divine Shepherd

A Psalm of David.

23 The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want;
²     he makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;^[a]
3     he restores my soul.^[b]
He leads me in paths of righteousness^[c]
    for his name’s sake.

⁴ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,^[d]
    I fear no evil;
for thou art with me;
    thy rod and thy staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ Thou preparest a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
thou anointest my head with oil,
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely^[e] goodness and mercy^[f] shall follow me
    all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    for ever.^[g]

Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright © 1946, 1952, and 1971 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America.

But here's how it reads in the CEB: 

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

23 The Lord is my shepherd.
    I lack nothing.
² He lets me rest in grassy meadows;
    he leads me to restful waters;
³         he keeps me ^[a] alive.
He guides me in proper paths
    for the sake of his good name.

⁴ Even when I walk through the darkest valley,
    I fear no danger because you are with me.
Your rod and your staff—
    they protect me.

⁵ You set a table for me
    right in front of my enemies.
You bathe my head in oil;
    my cup is so full it spills over!
⁶ Yes, goodness and faithful love
    will pursue me all the days of my life,
    and I will live^[b] in the Lord’s house
    as long as I live.

Copyright © 2011 by Common English Bible

And I had this thought this morning: having so many different versions of the Bible isn’t conducive to committing passages to memory. 

Now it makes me think of how, for much of my career as a professional journalist, I knew the key parts of the AP Stylebook by heart. As new things were added, I learned those. 

But somewhere along the way, a couple of key things happened. One, additions started to come much more quickly, making it harder to remember them all. Two, besides adding new things, the editors seemed to be revising more guidelines, so that many of the things I had committed to memory were no longer the rules. 

(Further complicating this was my company’s own changing, often seemingly quirky and arbitrary guidelines; and a suspected decline in my capacity for remembering as I aged.)

This makes me think about how songs are one of my best memory tools, but even that is fading due to aging. And I'm aware that revisions have been made in hymnals, so that some of the familiar songs of the church are now gender neutral or changed to describe a gentler God.

Fortunately for me, I'm not afraid to adapt songs to fit my own style for grammar and expression. So music will continue to be a way for me to exercise my mind as well as my spirit and my memory.

Nothing to sneeze at

I'm recovering from my first-time flu diagnosis. As is often true with my medical experiences, I'm grateful my case likely was milder than a lot of what was going around, and the worst of my symptoms only lasted a day or two. But as is also often true with me and my health, that didn't make it any easier for me to deal with being sick and now making the transition back into wellness.

I had plenty of plans for the week, highlighted by Wednesday with Valentine's and Ash Wednesday and a church meeting on Thursday where I had volunteered to present the program.

A great weekend that included time with extended family in Stillwater on Saturday, then special time with my husband on Sunday, gave way to a busy and productive Monday and Tuesday.

Sometime Tuesday, I was aware of a bit of a dry cough, which I attributed to a lingering effect of a cold from the previous weekend. But between 4 and 6 p.m., something changed in how I felt. My throat tightened and my head ached. My nose wasn't running, but my eyes were watering. And looking back, I realize I felt tired. I went into attack mode, preparing to win if faced with a battle against another cold.

By bedtime, though, I was less optimistic. I posted on Facebook: I seem to be losing the battle against a new round of cold symptoms, just in time for Valentine’s and Ash Wednesday. I hope and pray I’m wrong. Took all the meds and precautions I could think of. Maybe I’ll wake feeling great again!

I didn't, and this was my next post:  I was feeling pretty miserable, waking up on Valentine’s and Ash Wednesday morning after an unsuccessful night battling cold symptoms. Then I saw this! How can I not smile and share! My sweetie knows me well. Fruit, veggies, figgy pops and no-sugar angel food cake. Perfect for me!!

Meanwhile, I updated the previous night's post, in light of so many expressed concerns, with this positive outlook: My symptoms are more cold than flu. No fever or aches other than head and throat. I think my flu risk right now would be greater at a clinic than staying home. But I am staying aware of my temperature, aches and any other symptoms.

Unfortunately, my temperature eventually started to rise. By suppertime, I told my husband I should probably go to the minor emergency clinic. But then my temp went down a bit, so I decided to wait until morning.

It ended up being after lunch before I made it to the clinic, but the diagnosis was fairly quick.

There’s a first time for everything. Today’s first for me: Flu diagnosis. I know some people who are really glad I stayed home from church services and other meetings yesterday and today. Decided to get it checked out when my temperature started rising, which hardly ever happens. Hoping I will feel much better soon. And praying Gene’s flu shot and other precautions protect him.

Finally, at 5:12 a.m. Sunday: I feel immensely better. Yes, I tire easily, but the only reason I won’t be at church is the risk that I might still be contagious after Thursday’s flu diagnosis. (My symptoms started Tuesday, with possibly a little dry cough/throat clearing Monday.) I’m grateful for the prayers, well-wishes and helpful advice from friends and family members. And I’m extremely grateful for Gene’s patient, loving care, and I pray God will continue to protect him from the flu. And now, selfish as it seems to me, I feel tired again so I guess I’ll go back to sleep.

Turns out the transition back hasn't been easy, but I continue to make progress. I am grateful.

(Untitled)

Another deadline and still no words. Life goes on.

God doesn't give up

The words still aren't coming together for blog posts.

What I'm posting instead is just excerpts from Facebook posts from last night and this morning, the latter of which they came in an onslaught!

From last night: It seems like ages since I’ve sung a solo in public, and especially without standing behind a lectern or pulpit with the lyrics in easy view. I practiced several times and got all the words right — or at least close enough to make sense. But there’s no time like showtime to let the memory lapse. Fortunately, my friends at the Goodrich Memorial United Methodist Church chili cook-off and talent show are the most gracious audience in the world!! Also fortunately (at least I hope), I probably won’t let my far from polished style (or lack thereof!) keep me from looking for places where I can sing to inspire, encourage or offer praise and worship to God!

Singing continues to be humbling and mystifying and fulfilling and so  much more for me. It bares my soul and exposes my flaws. I don't expect to be perfect, but I sure would like to come closer than I do! But am I willing to put in the effort to be better? Here we go again ....

Why can't I accept that God might like me just the way I am? He wants me to trust Him. He's not leading me to take lessons or invest more time and energy into singing, at least not right now. He wants to use me right where I am. It is my own perfectionism and expectations that stand in the way.

From this morning, after reading the daily devotional from Proverbs 31 ministries about waiting with God: I’m grateful God doesn’t give up on me or toss me aside — whether I’m slow to act, too quick to interfere or just stuck in the mire of trying to figure things out for myself rather than pray, trust, obey and praise!

Just a few minutes after that, my Facebook memories brought up a link to last year's blog post on this date, which reminded me that God puts me in the right place at the right time.

And the next memory brought tears, with an album of 17 pictures of the beloved kitty, Bridget, who I had to let go due to kidney failure five years ago:  I’ve been five years without cat now. Bridget is still the cover photo on my Facebook page. God is still at work here, I feel Him assure me through unexpected tears.

Fortunately, I was able to go from there to spend time with a prayer group at church. After that, I was able to visit a friend in the nursing home and sing words of encouragement and faith. There were other things, too, and many were good. But I struggle not to shift my thoughts to all the things I didn't get done, or questions about whether I did the right things.

So, again: I’m grateful God doesn’t give up on me or toss me aside — whether I’m slow to act, too quick to interfere or just stuck in the mire of trying to figure things out for myself rather than pray, trust, obey and praise!

???????

I've let another week go by that I didn't post original pictures and commentary on Facebook. It wasn't all that long ago that I routinely posted observations from my day. At some point I took a break, or got behind, and now it's hard to get back into the habit of doing it.

I realize the same thing has happened regarding me singing occasional solos at church. I think the last time I did special music was actually a duet in June. Travel and other schedule uncertainties have kept me from making a commitment to sing at church (other than with the choir) since then. The one time I knew I would be available, there wasn't an opportunity.

Now, I have an opportunity to sing next Sunday, at the church's annual chili cook-off and talent show. I've signed up, but I haven't decided on a song or started practicing. And just thinking about it makes me feel self-conscious and a bit apprehensive.

I think some of the same factors are involved with the singing as with the Facebook posts and even this blog. People always respond favorably when I share my words, pictures and-or songs. But I find myself increasingly self-editing or analyzing to the point of not thinking I have anything worth sharing. Not surprisingly, each time I hold back makes it easier to refrain from sharing the next time.

Back when I was sharing and singing a lot, I wrestled with concepts of ego/pride and humility. I enjoy the positive feedback and affirmations, but I truly don't think that's the main reason I write, sing or share. It's more just something I either enjoy or feel called to do, and the response is a bonus. Sadly, I think part of why I'm holding back is because I have doubts about whether I deserve that bonus. (Just as sadly, I think that may link to some unresolved feelings about how I'm spending my time now that I no longer work outside the home.)


Just for fun, here are some of the things I thought about sharing last week:

-- Gene and I enjoyed a cheap date on Thursday, attending Norman's annual chili supper ($10 for two to dine in, and $10 for two full bowls to go!) that is a fundraiser for The Christmas Store. The chili was great and we enjoyed listening to the music of John the Franklin, an ensemble that includes friends Marvin Hudson and Frank Barry.  (I didn't think about taking a picture until we were gone!)

--  Friday, I thought it was finally warm enough to put the top down on the ole Mustang while cruising around Norman. By time I got home, I realized I was mistaken; it was still pretty chilly. But it inspired me to drive on down to the neighborhood lake, where I was surprised to see so much ice remaining. And yes, I took pictures!

 

  

  

 -- Since the top was down on the car, I kept it down for the drive to a meeting at 10:30 a.m. Saturday. Yes, it was still pretty chilly. But there's something about sunshine on January days that makes it seem worth the chill. By afternoon, the drive was much more pleasant. Now, if we could just get rid of that wind!

 -- Sunday, I finally rolled up my sleeve and donated blood during a drive at the church. In the past 10 or 15 years when I tried to give blood, my iron was too low. But after my surgery two years ago, I changed my diet to increase my meat consumption and also to eat more spinach and other iron-rich foods. Until Sunday, the blood drives had not worked into my schedule, and I preferred to donate at church rather than elsewhere. Plenty of excuses emerged that could have kept me from donating yesterday, but I was grateful to finally be accepted as a donor again and to follow through. My only regret is that I didn't get a selfie!!!!

This brings to mind one other big reason I have trended away from posting on Facebook. All of these things that I would have posted seem frivolous, and there is much more consequential stuff going on that I can't find words for.  So here I go again. Will I even post this? If I post it, will I link it to Facebook?

????????

Wishful thinking

Once again, I'm trying to commit myself to completing what looks like an impossible chore.

I tried to come up with a plan. But I'm not really a planner. So I just started working.

I'm hoping that as I work, inefficiently as it seems to be, a better way will come to mind.

I see signs of that happening.

As I told someone today: I know at some point I'm going to realize I can keep doing it this inefficient way and be at it for three or five years, or I can realize I don't have to know every detail as I decide whether to discard or keep things. (Yes, it's that neverending chore: Clearing the clutter of papers, magazines, cards, keepsakes and music.)

I also keep thinking of that old saying:  How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. This seems more like a herd of elephants, and still the answer is the same: One bite at a time.

That's when I realized I wished there was a quicker way. I wish it could just be taken care of already!

Wishful thinking.

And that's a waste of time.

So, I worked some more tonight, tossing another stack of various papers into the trash, and placing some music CDs in a box to be donated.

To look at the space I'm trying to clear, there's no evidence cleaning is going on.

But I know. And I am determined to keep at it this time. No more wasting my time on wishful thinking.

Day 8 or day 1?

When I sat down to write, I was feeling a bit discouraged about how things have gone these first 8 days of 2018. But then I reread what I wrote on Jan. 1, and I see that I'm probably exactly where I'm supposed to be.

The two biggest steps toward improvement are that I've gotten to bed earlier several nights and I've started the next day with a clearer focus on God.

I'm making intentional efforts in both of those areas. My target is to be in bed by 10:30, with a goal of 11 p.m. This is because I really want to be able to be able to get up by 7 a.m. . with eight hours of sleep. I had doubts that I would be able to sleep if I was in bed by 11, but that hasn't been too much of a problem. The main problem is getting to bed, turning off the light and turning off the phone!

Upon waking, I want my first thoughts to be of God. Typically that is coming with a silent recitation of the Lord's Prayer. One morning, I read one of my devotionals under the covers while my husband still slept. Another day I read the devotion when I got up to use the bathroom an hour before my alarm. But most days, I've stayed with the Lord's prayer and prayers for people on my mental list while in bed, and then turning to Bible reading and devotionals after I get up.

Another positive change has been adjusting my water consumption so that I drink more of my minimum 64 ounces (and more often 72-plus ounces) before 6 or 7 p.m. And immediately I've seen the effect of not waking up needing to use the bathroom after just three or four hours of sleep. I thought maybe the reason I was waking up at night was because of body aches, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

So these are three very positive things I hope I can continue to build on, one day at a time.