Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Catching up before I move on

As I sit here again trying to put thoughts into words, and wondering why I am so stuck, a possible answer has entered my mind: I need to catch up before I can move on.

But I'm not sure that really is the answer. The truer answer may be that I have to let go of the past before I can move on.

Or maybe it's that I need to accept that I may never catch up, and keep going anyway.

These are some of the things I am behind on writing about, or that I don't remember (and don't have time right now to check to see) whether I already wrote about:

-- Family. New great-nephews, and the joy of the older greats, plus their parents (my nieces and nephews) and their parents (my siblings) and their parents (my mom and my dear departed dad). Along the way there have been more birthdays than I can keep up with. And now this weekend includes three college graduations, at least one more birthday -- plus it's Mother's Day! How cool is all that? I'm still working to find cards and decide on gifts. I don't want to leave anyone out. But it seems I often do, as my actions fall short of my intentions, and I run out of time, and then the list of things I'm behind on grows so long that I never get caught up. But I haven't given up. YAY about that!

-- Work. We're going through a period of soul-searching and change. At first it seemed scary to me, because I'm not crazy about change. Sure, things could probably be better, but so many times it seems that efforts to make things better just make them different (and sometimes worse) -- and everyone is tireder because of the effort expended in the process. After my initial unease, I went through a period of enthusiasm and optimism that the process this time really would be worthwhile. Now I'm back to what seems like the reality that the process is tedious and time-consuming -- and it sure would be nice to have some tangible incentives. Instead, the only incentive is the possibility that things will get better. I guess I've been around too long to hold my breath about that. So, instead of holding my breath, I'll try to keep holding on to hope that as I do what I can each day, work will at the very least stay OK -- and possibly really experience some exciting changes! YAY!

-- Work, part 2. I've received recognition outside my company for some of my work, and that is always a strange thing for me. I love to be recognized and get awards, but immediately I feel undeserving and start thinking of how subjective awards tend to be. My awards are for headlines. There are some funny aspects about it. In one contest, I was able to enter two sets of three. It seems that what I considered my runners-up were the winners in the eyes of the judges, and what I considered my best work came in third. In a separate contest, I was only able to enter one set -- the ones I considered the best-- and they placed second. It's also funny to me that, whether it was when I was a reporter writing stories or now a copy editor catching mistakes and writing headlines, anytime I produce results of which I am proud, I truly wonder how it happened and whether it will ever happen again! I guess that's why I appreciate each day that I see what I consider positive results. And I appreciate getting recognition, because I have doubts I will ever do anything again worth recognizing. Of course, I also have to constantly remind myself and confess to God the danger of obsessing on results rather than just doing the best work I can, with the only prize that matters being if it can honor and glorify Him.

-- Faith. I'm not even sure what to write. Progress not perfection. Gratitude for grace. Great is God's faithfulness!

That's all I have time for right now. I hope that somehow these words -- and the discipline of sitting down to write for another self-imposed blog deadline -- will free the mind and spirit for the hidden words to flow when the time is right. And, as always, I do pray that whatever words I say or write or actions I take honor and glorify God.

1 comment:

  1. Facebook link comment: "Catching up before I move on" ... and other recent blog posts that I haven't bothered to link to Facebook, because I think all they communicate is that I met my self-imposed blog deadline one more time. I sometimes wonder if I ever will write meaningful words again. And then I laugh at myself, because I know the words I write have meaning to me, and I believe this process is still part of God's plan for me.