Sunday, February 12, 2017

What if it's really OK?

This week I'm aware how sad/pathetic it is that I can't even seem to do unemployment well!

There's really no good reason for me not to be enjoying this time off from work. But I find myself stressing out every day over what to do. And whenever I do that -- get stressed out about what to do -- I typically get nothing done.

All of my strategies for changing this situation seem like good ideas and inspire me for a day, or hour, but before long, they are just another source of discouragement.

I've said it and written it before, but I need to repeat it: What would I do if I really could do whatever I wanted, without any repercussions or without disappointing someone else?

I would relax.
I would write.
I would sing.
I would straighten up my messes.
I would spend more time praying.
I would spend more time helping people.

So, why am I not doing these things? The biggest reasons involve time management and priorities, and what I think others expect or think of me.

I would like to write, but I am a very slow writer. My awareness of how slow I am distracts me from really thinking about and developing what I want to say. My mind wanders to what I think I should be doing instead, but instead of doing that other thing, I get into a mental battle with myself. And there is no peace. I would like to get back into writing for pay, but to do that, first I need to get back to writing. And that's where the struggle is. How do I justify the time it takes to get it going again?

As for singing, I totally don't see how I can justify taking time to work on that.

As for straightening up my messes, I want them straightened up, but I don't know where to start.  And it's another process that when I do start it, the results come very slowly. And I guess I get impatient. I've read a great book with suggestions -- and now it is part of the mess!

Praying -- another thing that I have trouble focusing on, because my mind wanders to the other things I think I need to be doing.

Helping people -- I don't even know where to begin.

The people pleasing part is paralyzing. I don't want to disappoint anyone. But that fear keeps me from doing what I want to do and also what the other person might prefer me to do, and that ends up being a lose-lose situation.

Somehow, I've got to be patient. And I've got to trust God to take care of the people I fear will be disappointed by me being me.


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