Banking in God's economy

I haven't posted here since Nov. 3. There's been a lot I've wanted to write about, but I'm not someone who will just sit down and write it when I think about it. It seems there are always more important things I should be doing. I deposit the blog thoughts into my memory bank. Unfortunately, that's not a safe place ... they never seem to be there when I am ready to withdraw them.

So I'll storm my brain, trying to recall some of those things that seemed worth noting. 

I guess I'll have to first sort through some of what's blocking the recollection. COVID fatigue. A general sense of unsettledness. And a project I said I would help with that is emotionally daunting. 

Day by day, there is so much to be grateful for.  If only I could shake the stress or anxiety that comes from the unfinished things. Even on days that seem filled with amazing blessings and happy moments, I experience moments of doubt, tiredness, confusion and being overwhelmed.

Fortunately, I was assured today of something I know, despite my doubt: That doubt isn't a sin, nor does it mean a lack of faith. 

Daily Bible reading continues to be vital. The verse of the day on the Bible app Nov. 12 was “and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” ‭‭John‬ ‭8:32‬ ‭NRSV‬‬)

I read it one of those mornings when I was feeling the doubt. I asked myself: What is the truth?

Among the truths that come to mind:

For God so loved the world....

Nothing can separate me...

 

I can do all things through Christ ...

On another morning of struggle, I prayed:

Dear God,

I love You. You are above all. You alone are worthy of honor, glory, worship and praise.

I bow down before You in humility and submission. I am a sinner —prideful, vain, selfish, dishonest, hypocritical — unworthy to draw near to You, except through the providence of Your amazing grace. My most extravagant praise would fall short of expressing how grateful I am.

I thank You for receiving me and loving me as I am. You love me as I am. I am Your beloved! I thank You for Your presence. And I thank You for my family, friends, church, nation — the blessings they are to me and also the blessings with which You bless them. I thank You for travel mercies and for (a sister's) call and for the possibilities of this day.

And now I humbly bring my supplication. Lord, You know my heart and the needs of so many. The prayer list, with its joys and concerns. ...

Lord, You know that even when it comes to trying to pray with focus, I don’t know where to begin or end. And so I just have to trust You. I have to believe this is where You have me — and You have a purpose and plan for me, to use me as I am or to change me into what You need me to be. My job is to seek You, follow You, trust You and give You all thanks and praise. The tricky part for me, of course, is that it seems like I am resisting Your guidance. Or are You, Lord, holding me back for reasons You alone can see now?

All I know to do is pray. I pray for willingness to keep praying and trusting and serving You, Lord, to Your glory. Amen. 

Once again, these are not the things I came here to share. I hope and pray that by writing something and hitting "publish" I can move on to the next assignment. That has happened enough times that I believe it is possible. Maybe it's some kind of divine return on the deposits I thought I had lost in the memory bank?!?!? That makes sense in God's economy, where nothing is wasted (as a popular 12-step saying proclaims).