Not giving up for Lent

It's interesting to me how, through the years, my attitudes and approaches toward Lent and Advent, the liturgical seasons that provide spiritual preparation for Easter and Christmas, respectively, have varied. I can think of several times when I've looked forward to the spiritual rituals that go with both seasons and the building of excitement for the big event. Other years, such as this one, I wonder whether there's any real value to going through this again. My initial feeling is that I am heavy with the load.

But amazing things already have happened. Today is Ash Wednesday, and I did go through my basic Wednesday routine that includes at least 15 minutes of a 12-step meeting and four hours at work, and then, before an abbreviated choir practice, I went to the Ash Wednesday service that included Holy Communion and the imposition of ashes in the sign of a cross on each person's forehead. My church also had metal spikes each person can take as a reminder of what happened on the cross three days before Christ's resurrection. For the second Ash Wednesday in a row, I picked up my spike knowing it was unlikely my work schedule will allow me to attend the Good Friday service, in which participants symbolically hammer the spikes into a large wooden cross on the altar.

Earlier today I realized that, as was the case with New Year's resolutions, my Lenten discipline seems to be falling into place as just keeping on keeping on spiritually, seeking God one day at a time and not trying to anticipate beyond that. Our pastor had written a column suggesting that we consider giving up something we value for Lent, so we can really feel what it means to sacrifice. And I toyed with the idea. But what I came back to is that's not what is in store for me this year. (I also remembered and am grateful that I have not returned to one of the things I gave up last year: watching soap operas. And, yes, I still am tempted at times.) Another popular approach in recent years has been to add a spiritual discipline, such as more intentional Bible reading or some kind of service. I'm not making a commitment on that, but I won't be at all surprised if increased opportunities present themselves in this next 40 days. And I will begin to find out, starting Thursday, just how I will respond. I also downloaded a Lenton devotional today that intrigued me, but I haven't decided whether I will use it. I think it's more important that I keep up with the readings that I've been using since the start of the year that continue to be helpful.

Back to those amazing things: I've found myself feeling physically, emotionally and mentally drained several times in these early weeks of 2013. Today, I listened to the words of a song on K-Love that I really identified with: "Worn" (Songwriters: Jason Ingram, Mike Donehey, Jeff Owen; performed by 10th Avenue North; Copyright Sony/Atv Timber Publishing, Open Hands Music, Formerly Music, West Main Music, Prepare For The Zombie Apocalypse).

I'm tired, I'm worn/ My heart is heavy/ From the work it takes/ To keep on breathing/ I've made mistakes/ I've let my hope fail/ My soul feels crushed/ By the weight of this world/ And I know that You can give me rest/ So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win/ Let me know the struggle ends/ That You can mend a heart that's frail and torn/ I wanna know a song can rise/ From the ashes of a broken life/ And all that's dead inside can be reborn/ 'Cause I'm worn ...

As I listened, I thought, this is a song I want to learn and sing. But the next thought was even better: As I sang along, I felt renewed energy. I didn't feel quite so frail and torn. I felt confidence that redemption wins and that the struggle, even with myself, would ease. And the song does rise ...

I know I need/ To lift my eyes up/ But I'm too weak/ Life just won't let up/ And I know that You can give me rest/ So I cry out with all that I have left ...

And so begins this Lenten journey -- one step at a time, praying for God to be my guide, my strength and my song, to His glory.

In all things: thanks and praise

As I expected, tonight after choir practice -- like Sunday after church -- I have really missed my kitty. My husband wasn't home when I got here either time, and the house just seemed so abnormally empty. Can a pet really make that much difference? Of course, the answer is yes, especially when the pet was as attentive to me, and also as persuasive in her desire for attention, as Bridget was. I really think she delighted in me as much as I delighted in her.

One of my new challenges is to figure out how to channel that into a positive direction. For the record, for reasons my husband and I both accept, we probably won't get another kitty until we retire to the farm. I do plan to volunteer to spend time with the cats at one of the local animal sanctuaries. I also am very aware of another area where some of my unconditional love, acceptance and enthusiasm also needs to go.

Sunday I made the mistake of trying to ignore my feelings of sadness and loneliness or just deal with them through prayer. It wasn't until the end of that day and the next day that I realized what I had done and the consequences. So, as I contemplated what I would do after choir practice, I finally realized two things were key. I needed to write, and at least part of what I wrote would need to be a gratitude list.

I learned before my Daddy's illness and death that writing is therapeutic for me, and that lesson was confirmed in many ways during his illness and after he died. The therapeuatic value of writing seems to increase for me when I post it to the blog. I think the reason is because these are things I wouldn't mind talking to someone about, but I don't want to bore anyone, and I really don't know who cares to listen. So, by writing and posting, I can express without imposing. Loved ones who choose to read can do so whenever they want, and it's up to them whether to respond.

Part of my mistake Sunday was thinking that people are probably tired of hearing or reading about me missing my kitty. That kept me from posting anything on Facebook or the blog. (And I did talk about it to people, but maybe not as much as I needed to.) Tonight, I am back to being OK with who I am: a person who needs to take all the time and words it takes to express and work through emotions. IT IS OK!!!!!! I know this, but I do forget.

Now, as for the gratitude list, I don't even know where to start. There are so many things. I will only mention a few. But really this whole thing is about gratitude.

-- God is always at the top of the list. I've seen many examples these past two weeks (and, really, these past two years) of how He works everything for good. I know it would be true even if I didn't see the evidence. But seeing the evidence helps me keep the faith during the times when it's not as clear that things will work for good.

-- I am grateful that God has helped my eyes open to see His goodness. I think I spent many years missing it. Now, instead of dwelling on a past I cannot change, I strive moment by moment to make better choices in how I relate to people and spend my resources including time, energy and money. I trust in His goodness even as the change in me seems to happen much too slowly. I pray to know and do God's will -- and how to reflect His goodness.

-- I am grateful for my family and my friends, especially beloved ones at church, work, the 12-step program and some from past associations. I still sometimes am amazed that they accept me as I am, despite how odd, inept, inadequate, inconsistent, disorganized or any of those other negatives I might think I am.

-- I am grateful for multiple chances to get things right. Second chances are seldom enough for me. I'm grateful for God and, again, those family members and friends who don't give up on me when my best efforts require do-overs -- however many it takes.

Goodbye, sweet kitty

 I said goodbye to my kitty Tuesday evening.   Bridget had kidney failure and had declined rapidly this weekend. I feel so sad.  I will be OK though. She was such  a precious little buddy. I'm grateful to God for the 12-plus years we had together. I will miss her greatly.  

But it was time.  She wasn't eating and could barely walk. She kept drinking water but wasn't peeing. And  I couldn't  tear myself away from her.  

Monday it  was  agonizing to watch her. She hardly moved. After sleeping a couple of hours after my colonoscopy, I spent the rest of the night in the dining area, mostly on the floor by her. I tried to get myself to go to bed, but knew the end was near, and I wanted to stay with her as long as possible. 

Tuesday's Jesus Calling devotional had timely words for me, including Isaiah 26:3: "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee."

Evidence of God's providence included  that I was at home instead of at work Friday night and Monday night to be with her.

I feel God's peace, presence and love. He knows my heart. I trust Him and thank Him for leading me along this path. As Monday's  reading reminded me, "He is with me  always!"

And so, on Wednesday, the new normal began. 

I miss her. Miss her. Miss her.

  Miss her on my legs when I wake up.

  Miss her pushing the door to the bathroom open while I'm in the shower and waiting for me to pet her when I get out. 

Miss her standing in front of the food cabinet even though there is food in her bowl. 

Miss that look that tells me I need to sit down so she can get on my lap and purr. 

Miss that sweet face, that little orange patch, her short, stocky body, her amazing purr. 

Miss her smell -- yes, even the troublesome ones. 

I wish people and pets didn't have to get sick. 

I  am  grateful for the time we had.  I am grateful  that I've learned to treasure moments.  I am praying  to know how to keep the right balance. 

I believe she was a gift from God. He taught me and blessed me in so many ways with my special kitty, and I'm pretty sure the lessons and blessings are not over. 

As was the case with my Daddy -- his life and illness and eventual death -- God continues to show His love and mercy and providence and blessings. 

I thought of Daddy constantly as I was tending Bridget in her final days and hours. Now as then, I am so  grateful I was able to be present. 

The strange and unusual year continues

For someone who enjoys sharing her odd experiences and observations on Facebook, the past 24 hours are problematic. How can I tell you about my midnight ambulance ride from the workplace to the ER without having to divulge a bunch of details best left unshared? (I never, ever, expected to be the test subject on how the ambulance would get to our building after hours in our current lease/security arrangement, but I guess someone had to.)

Suffice it to say I am grateful for co-workers, my husband and emergency medical responders. The systems work! And I was home by 4 am, still somewhat amazed by the commotion I caused, but overwhelmed with relief that all seems to be well and pain-free for the moment.   

Other than the disruptions I caused at work and for my husband in those overnight hours, my biggest regret now is that I will miss work tonight and Monday and the talent show at church on Sunday. I was all ready to sing! Fortunately, I can go to my 12-step meeting tomorrow and worship Sunday.  

And on Monday, I hope to start getting answers to some more of my ongoing medical mysteries! Prayers are appreciated as the first month of 2013 continues to be nothing like I ever would have expected.  

Not much, but something

It's deadline and I needed to write something. So now I have: Something.

This doesn't seem original. I've thought about doing this before, if I haven't actually done it.

The trick is that writing "something" or "anything" is supposed to trigger something better. But it doesn't always work. This seems to be one of those times.

I need to let it be OK.

And so I will.

Just when I think the answer is clear .....

Just as my life in 2013 has gotten off to a slow, somewhat uninspired, start, so has my blog. What follows, written as a note on my phone probably about 7 a.m. Saturday -- after less than 4 hours sleep and before going back to sleep for a little longer -- is possibly the most impassioned yet clear thinking and writing I have done this year. I thought it led to a clear answer, even if I didn't like the answer. But, as so often happens, God seems to have other plans. And for that, I thank Him again!

Bridget

1/12/13

She won't stop peeing on the carpet. Gene is at the end of his rope, and I don't know what to do. Lord, I've prayed and prayed. We've tried and tried. I don't know what to do. I believe, Lord, You have the answer and that You are the answer to every question or dilemma I face. The only answer I see you giving on this one is to get rid of the kitty - to put Bridget to sleep.

Truths:

>> We can keep spending money on the vet and on cleaners, but none of it will fix this. Treatment makes her -- and us -- as miserable as the pee problem. Shots, pills, restricted areas, kitty diaper -- she would not accept any of these.

>> Is there a nursing home or longterm care facility for possibly senile, incontinent cats? But even if there were, i am pretty certain she would hate it.

>> We cannot keep going like this. It is affecting Gene's health and well-being, and if I'm honest, I must say it is affecting mine, too. If it were just me, I would probably just be the cat lady living in a smelly house. But it's not just me. As I've written and said in prayer before, Gene's needs obviously come before Bridget's for me. It sometimes seems easier to love the kitty unconditionally than to love Gene that way. But that's when I get the wonderful reminder that I can and will also show Gene that kind of love. And I know that I love God -- and God loves me -- more than I can love either of them.

>> The focus of my prayer now is to continue to lift up all of this. I believe God has the answer. If it truly is to put this kitty to sleep -- this kitty who is such a delight and joy and comfort and gift and inspiration and so much more to me in all ways except this (and maybe I'll someday see it even in this) -- I trust God to show me how: What to say to Gene, the vet, family and friends; how to not be consumed by grief or doubt or shame or guilt or resentment or bitterness or depression; how to let go; how to let it glorify God.

If that is not God's answer, I trust Him to intervene as He did for Abraham with a substitution.

>> For more than two years, this has been probably the most anguishing area of my life. I keep seeing only one answer -- and it still seems cruel and selfish.

And so I will cry a while ... And continue to pray: What to do and how. Lord, I believe You have the answer. Please guide my heart, mind and actions.

I sent my thoughts in an email to Gene, because it really is easier to communicate this kind of stuff in writing than speaking. (Besides, he was up, and I was still in bed and I don't think either of us were in a frame of mind to discuss right then.)

Later, I prayed:

Lord, the prayer on my heart: please help me know what to do about Bridget, to Your glory. Is there any way we can stop this problem of her peeing on the carpet? Or can You help Gene learn to live with it? Please help me KNOW and do Your will, to Your glory. (1/12/13)

And, for that day, and still today, the answer is that Gene also doesn't think it's an option to put a cat to sleep just because she pees on the carpet. So -- instead of a simple but painful action -- we get to continue to learn to live with the stress and emotions and frustration and delight and lessons of not being able to control something we love! Once again. God is teaching me to be faithful and patient. I pray that I am.

(There is also a whole other level that I am not addressing here, such as how God must have known what He was doing when decisions were made that led to us not having kids; and yes, Bridget is a cat -- a cat -- and so many people have more significant crisis involving beloved people in their lives or their own health crises. I know this. And yet -- for whatever reason -- God seems to choose to reach me and teach me through something that pales in comparison. My prayers go out to those facing the much bigger issues, and my praise: Great is God's faithfulness, to all His people.)

Reflections from Jan. 2-8

So many contradictions.

I felt like last year was a time of great personal growth and spiritual progress for me, but when I reviewed things I wrote the first week of last year, I could wonder. Same fears. Same problems. Have I progressed at all?

Yes. I continue to seek and know and to strive to serve God. I didn't have to wait until I was desperate to recommit to the 12 steps and to spiritual growth.

I had hoped to keep things simple, but I am reading more and more. Am I looking for the perfect answer and a sure thing? Or am I simply following where God leads?

This year I am again reading daily selections from "Jesus Calling," "A Prayerful Heart," "The Upper Room," "The Denison Forum," "For Today" and "Voices of Recovery." I've also added daily readings from "My Utmost for His Highest" and a plan from Bible Gateway.

Wow! No wonder I'm not getting anything else except work done. But that's not really true. I'm getting as much done as I would anyway -- which to me never seems like enough -- and my attitude is infinitely better. And I have hope and peace.

I know many people who seem to be struggling to feel the happiness and hope of this new year. Job situations, economic woes and health issues confound many. I've heard people wonder, in jest but with a sense of reality, whether 2013 is destined to be an unlucky year.

We had a guest preacher Sunday, because our pastor was among those sick. Her sermon was just what I and others probably needed: "It Is Well With My Soul." She offered tips for making sure this is the case as well as what to do when it is and is not. It reaffirmed much of what I am learning.

No matter what the year '13 brings, it can be well with my soul. Today, it is well with my soul. For that I am grateful.