Just when I think the answer is clear .....

Just as my life in 2013 has gotten off to a slow, somewhat uninspired, start, so has my blog. What follows, written as a note on my phone probably about 7 a.m. Saturday -- after less than 4 hours sleep and before going back to sleep for a little longer -- is possibly the most impassioned yet clear thinking and writing I have done this year. I thought it led to a clear answer, even if I didn't like the answer. But, as so often happens, God seems to have other plans. And for that, I thank Him again!

Bridget

1/12/13

She won't stop peeing on the carpet. Gene is at the end of his rope, and I don't know what to do. Lord, I've prayed and prayed. We've tried and tried. I don't know what to do. I believe, Lord, You have the answer and that You are the answer to every question or dilemma I face. The only answer I see you giving on this one is to get rid of the kitty - to put Bridget to sleep.

Truths:

>> We can keep spending money on the vet and on cleaners, but none of it will fix this. Treatment makes her -- and us -- as miserable as the pee problem. Shots, pills, restricted areas, kitty diaper -- she would not accept any of these.

>> Is there a nursing home or longterm care facility for possibly senile, incontinent cats? But even if there were, i am pretty certain she would hate it.

>> We cannot keep going like this. It is affecting Gene's health and well-being, and if I'm honest, I must say it is affecting mine, too. If it were just me, I would probably just be the cat lady living in a smelly house. But it's not just me. As I've written and said in prayer before, Gene's needs obviously come before Bridget's for me. It sometimes seems easier to love the kitty unconditionally than to love Gene that way. But that's when I get the wonderful reminder that I can and will also show Gene that kind of love. And I know that I love God -- and God loves me -- more than I can love either of them.

>> The focus of my prayer now is to continue to lift up all of this. I believe God has the answer. If it truly is to put this kitty to sleep -- this kitty who is such a delight and joy and comfort and gift and inspiration and so much more to me in all ways except this (and maybe I'll someday see it even in this) -- I trust God to show me how: What to say to Gene, the vet, family and friends; how to not be consumed by grief or doubt or shame or guilt or resentment or bitterness or depression; how to let go; how to let it glorify God.

If that is not God's answer, I trust Him to intervene as He did for Abraham with a substitution.

>> For more than two years, this has been probably the most anguishing area of my life. I keep seeing only one answer -- and it still seems cruel and selfish.

And so I will cry a while ... And continue to pray: What to do and how. Lord, I believe You have the answer. Please guide my heart, mind and actions.

I sent my thoughts in an email to Gene, because it really is easier to communicate this kind of stuff in writing than speaking. (Besides, he was up, and I was still in bed and I don't think either of us were in a frame of mind to discuss right then.)

Later, I prayed:

Lord, the prayer on my heart: please help me know what to do about Bridget, to Your glory. Is there any way we can stop this problem of her peeing on the carpet? Or can You help Gene learn to live with it? Please help me KNOW and do Your will, to Your glory. (1/12/13)

And, for that day, and still today, the answer is that Gene also doesn't think it's an option to put a cat to sleep just because she pees on the carpet. So -- instead of a simple but painful action -- we get to continue to learn to live with the stress and emotions and frustration and delight and lessons of not being able to control something we love! Once again. God is teaching me to be faithful and patient. I pray that I am.

(There is also a whole other level that I am not addressing here, such as how God must have known what He was doing when decisions were made that led to us not having kids; and yes, Bridget is a cat -- a cat -- and so many people have more significant crisis involving beloved people in their lives or their own health crises. I know this. And yet -- for whatever reason -- God seems to choose to reach me and teach me through something that pales in comparison. My prayers go out to those facing the much bigger issues, and my praise: Great is God's faithfulness, to all His people.)