Present imperfect pursuit

My recent pursuit of writing for pay and publication highlighted my plague of perfectionism.

So what am I doing about it?

I've identified some of the sources and manifestations of what I call my "perfectionistic tendencies." Now the trick will be to break some longstanding and ingrained habits.

Among the sources: I don't want to disappoint people. I don't want to be disappointed. I don't want to embarrass myself or others. I hate it when people react negatively to what I say or do or what I fail to do. I hate it when I fail to do things that I think are important as well as I think they deserve to be done. I know some things won't get done like I think they should be done unless I do them, even though it often takes me a long time.

The manifestations include: I try so hard to figure out the right thing to do that sometimes I can't even get started. When I do get started, I am very slow, because I want every word to be right, because I don't trust others to fix my mistakes. Even when I finish something, I often have self-doubt and keep trying to think of a better way. Self-doubt can keep me from enjoying what to almost anyone else would appear to be a job well done.

An interesting finding has been that some of the same people who discourage me from being a perfectionist react negatively when I'm not perfect! As much as I don't like that reality, it has been helpful for me to be aware of it.

Among the solutions: I've been able to embrace the truth and power of some slogans and prayers I've known for a long time but maybe have just given lip service, such as "Is it worth it?" (or, "What's it worth?), "let go and let God" and "progress not perfection." I'm seeing some success with setting time boundaries, whether on a writing project or making a difficult decision. Examining my options has helped with decision-making, as has realizing that in many situations I can change my mind.

The Serenity Prayer also comes to mind: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference."

I've practiced it this week in decision-making, with mixed but overall positive results, as I continue to learn from less-than-optimal outcomes.

And I practiced it today in writing a concert review. When I reached a stopping point, I sincerely wanted to keep working on it, knowing it could be better. But I let it go -- submitted it -- and now it has been published. (If you want to read it, you can click here: Point of Grace concert review)

Letting go of a project or decision before I'm "ready" leaves me feeling vulnerable. But I detect a bit of a positive sensation as well. I'm hopeful I can build on that.

These Scriptures and this quote from Craig Denison in his recent First15.org post continue to provide guidance for me regarding perfectionism:

"Along with freeing others from the expectation of perfection, if we will offer ourselves the same grace and mercy that our heavenly Father does, we will experience new levels of joy and freedom. While God has offered us a path to total freedom from sin, he has the fullness of compassion for our weaknesses. Don’t strive for perfection in your works, but instead pursue a deeper relationship with the God of love and grace. You weren’t created to live perfectly in your own strength, but to know the love of the Father and allow him to empower you for the life to which you have been called. May you free yourself from the burden of perfection today and pursue greater intimacy with your heavenly Father."

“Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.” Ecclesiastes 7:20

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23

God answers my prayers

After praying and posting my writer's lament, I went to bed. I don't remember how well I slept, but I know what was still on my mind when I awoke: I thought it would be different this time. Better. A positive experience. Instead it's the same. Or worse. Probably seems worse because I had such high hopes. But I didn't think I had high hopes. I thought I had realistic expectations. 

Fortunately, I confronted these thoughts with Scripture and a devotional reading. Again, my go-to was Jesus Calling, where these were the Bible readings for the day:

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. 
—Isaiah 40:31

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. 
—Psalm 27:4

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 
—Philippians 4:8

That was a major step toward what I hope and pray continues to be freedom from some of my self-doubt and struggles.

But I think the bigger key to the door of freedom came later that Wednesday when friends lovingly but directly helped me face truth in a word: Perfectionism.

And before I knew it, my daily spiritual readings and Bible verses were reinforcing that truth.

Jesus Calling: "Anticipate coming face to face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you—the best place to encounter Me in My Glory and Power. When you see armies of problems marching toward you, cry out to Me! Allow Me to fight for you. Watch Me working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of My Almighty Presence."

Yet man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward. 
—Job 5:7

After this I heard what sounded like the roar of a great multitude in heaven shouting: “Hallelujah! Salvation and glory and power belong to our God.” 
—Revelation 19:1

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 
—Psalm 91:1

But what really helped me was Friday's focus from First15.org.  The subject was forgiving others and not expecting them to be perfect. But all the words identified my weakness.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of  God.” Romans 3:23

These were some really helpful words from Craig Denison's commentary: "One of the most vital aspects of offering continual forgiveness is living without expectation of perfection from others. You will never meet a perfect human. All of us suffer from the same sinful, broken condition. And as believers, our lives are a reflection of God’s grace transforming what was once wholly sinful into pictures of his love. Even in this reflection, we will never experience perfection until we pass from this world to the next and live in perfect, uninhibited relationship with our heavenly Father. "Along with freeing others from the expectation of perfection, if we will offer ourselves the same grace and mercy that our heavenly Father does, we will experience new levels of joy and freedom. While God has offered us a path to total freedom from sin, he has the fullness of compassion for our weaknesses. Don’t strive for perfection in your works, but instead pursue a deeper relationship with the God of love and grace. You weren’t created to live perfectly in your own strength, but to know the love of the Father and allow him to empower you for the life to which you have been called. May you free yourself from the burden of perfection today and pursue greater intimacy with your heavenly Father." “Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.” Ecclesiastes 7:20 “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23 Author's note: I guess I should mention that I did complete the writing project that caused so much lamentation. The main story on Christian vocal quartet Point of Grace was published Aug. 19 in the print and online editions of The Oklahoman. A related piece was published online only, on the Faith & Values blog at NewsOK.com.   Point of Grace story   Point of Grace sidebar

A writer's lament

Lord, am I not a writer anymore? After this latest attempt, I think I’m ready to give it up.

That was the start of my prayer late one recent night.

The struggles I was experiencing felt too much  like all the reasons I had quit writing for compensation.

I had really thought that — without the demands of a full-time job as a writer or editor and with the help of some therapeutic and behavioral changes — this would be a more positive experience. 

I did not think I would be up to my deadline and still drowning in an unorganized mess of information, while still lacking details I would have liked to have included.

And yet: Here I was again.

Lord, I know You are with me. Your love and presence surround me. I am grateful for that, even as I don’t understand why this is going the way it’s going. 

Is this how You need it to be for me to learn something or grow in some way: in grace or understanding, or humility, or some other way? 

Or is the struggle really all on me — my fault for being stubborn and undisciplined and disorganized and set in my ways and unwilling (rather than unable) to learn better methods?

Lord, I thank You for Your presence. I know You are with me. I trust You. And I trust You to be with Gene, who I  fear is distressed by my struggle.

God, I feel sad, disappointed, ashamed. Confounded. Dumb. Embarrassed. Defective. Flawed. Afraid.

"TRULY: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? What made me think I would be able to write this story? Lord, I thought You put it on my heart. Was I wrong? Is this all in Your plan, or are You having to work around my stubbornness?

Even so, Lord, I am striving to trust in You with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. Show me where I am not properly acknowledging You, that You may make my path straight.

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.^[a]

Proverbs 3:5-6 New International Version 

(OK, I just saw that this version uses the word “submit.” That’s probably the key. But how? Show me, Lord. I cannot do it without You. Please get me out of the way, I pray, that You may be glorified.)

------

To be continued ....

A better approach?

I'm always looking for answers. But it seems I typically fail to start by stopping long enough to figure out what the questions are. Or, when I find what seem to be answers, I move on to another question rather than embrace the answer.

Most recently: In trying to figure out why I continue to struggle with writing, I determined that I'm more of an information gatherer and sharer than a story teller.

Seems story tellers get more love and respect than information sharers. 

Story telling doesn't seem to be my calling. 

I need to stay focused on what I'm called to do and be OK with -- embrace and even rejoice in -- that.

I wrote that the morning of Aug. 9, a Wednesday.

But three days later, I had proved my opening statement, concluding that I'm not a very good information sharer, either.

That's when I realized again I still need to do what's hardest for me: SLOW DOWN! LET GO AND LET GOD!!! TRUST GOD!!!

I need to SLOW DOWN!! -- talk less, listen more, experience, observe and feel more.  

Experience more, express less??? At least for a while??

The next day, Sunday, came another insight: I don't have to know how it's going to work out. (But I keep thinking I do have to know, whether it be the story I was struggling with or how best to help my mom when I visited her. LET GO AND LET GOD!!! TRUST GOD!!!)

The approach I decided to take was to go ahead and work some more on the story if the opportunity arose, but to avoid thinking about it over and over in my head, trying to figure it out, when I wasn't working on it. Instead, let go and trust God!!

Holy connections

After missing church two Sundays in a row, I was ready to be back in a pew.

God provided me a cool affirmation that what I called worship last Sunday really was! That's when I spent the morning exploring Ausable Chasm in upstate New York with my husband. I took several moments along the trails and with the splendor of the water falls and beautiful canyon walls and trees as a background to pray and sing praises, including "Holy, Holy, Holy," "How Great Thou Art" and "Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow," a contemporary setting of the Doxology.

My heart rejoiced when I returned to church Sunday and one of the hymns was "Holy, Holy, Holy." And of course we sang our upbeat arrangement of the Doxology.

Not that I really needed affirmation that last Sunday's time was worship, I still enjoyed how God pulled it all together when I returned to church in Oklahoma.

This week:


Holy Holy Holy at Goodrich

Last week:

Holy Holy Holy at Ausable Chasm

Worshipping God in the splendor of nature!

I really hate to miss church on Sunday, and this is the second week in a row I have. But one of my devotionals talked about worshipping God in the beauty of holiness and the splendor of nature. Ausable Chasm near Lake Champlain in upstate New York was a majestic cathedral. Amen!


Ausable Chasm How Great Thou Art

Grace. Period.

I think I may have written this before. It's worth revisiting. 

It started with me thinking about missing last week's blog deadline by nearly a full week. As I was finally putting something together to post, I thought to myself that since the next deadline had not arrived, maybe I could say I was in a grace period. 

Which made me think of God's amazing grace. 

And that was sufficient. 

(I drafted that Sunday. I posted the "late something" that night, and planned to post this Monday, which would have put me back on schedule. Instead, it's Wednesday and I'm just now posting. And, thanks to God's great grace covering me, it is still sufficient.)