A writer's lament

Lord, am I not a writer anymore? After this latest attempt, I think I’m ready to give it up.

That was the start of my prayer late one recent night.

The struggles I was experiencing felt too much  like all the reasons I had quit writing for compensation.

I had really thought that — without the demands of a full-time job as a writer or editor and with the help of some therapeutic and behavioral changes — this would be a more positive experience. 

I did not think I would be up to my deadline and still drowning in an unorganized mess of information, while still lacking details I would have liked to have included.

And yet: Here I was again.

Lord, I know You are with me. Your love and presence surround me. I am grateful for that, even as I don’t understand why this is going the way it’s going. 

Is this how You need it to be for me to learn something or grow in some way: in grace or understanding, or humility, or some other way? 

Or is the struggle really all on me — my fault for being stubborn and undisciplined and disorganized and set in my ways and unwilling (rather than unable) to learn better methods?

Lord, I thank You for Your presence. I know You are with me. I trust You. And I trust You to be with Gene, who I  fear is distressed by my struggle.

God, I feel sad, disappointed, ashamed. Confounded. Dumb. Embarrassed. Defective. Flawed. Afraid.

"TRULY: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? What made me think I would be able to write this story? Lord, I thought You put it on my heart. Was I wrong? Is this all in Your plan, or are You having to work around my stubbornness?

Even so, Lord, I am striving to trust in You with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. Show me where I am not properly acknowledging You, that You may make my path straight.

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.^[a]

Proverbs 3:5-6 New International Version 

(OK, I just saw that this version uses the word “submit.” That’s probably the key. But how? Show me, Lord. I cannot do it without You. Please get me out of the way, I pray, that You may be glorified.)

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To be continued ....