Today's joy

It's easy to feel joy when an unexpected phone call brings news that my only brother is a first-time grandpa!

When I spoke with his daughter Laura last week, she expected to work through today and then take off until the baby's arrival, expected on Dec. 10. I later learned her plans changed when she didn't feel good over the weekend, so she did not work this week. It's a good thing, since that precious 9-pound baby boy was ready to make his debut.

A picture of beautifully smiling mom and dad holding their newborn made the day of many proud and happy relatives.

We give thanks to God for the precious gift of a new life.

Finding my place

For many years, my high expectations and unrealistic desires have kept me from fully experiencing and enjoying the gifts of Thanksgiving, Advent and Christmas.

I'm grateful for circumstances that give me another opportunity this year to find the joy in whatever comes.

My high expectations included that family and friends would be together and happy. God's gift of love through the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus to save mankind from our sins would be the focus. Gifts exchanged would be meaningful and appreciated. Hearts would overflow with love, and voices would resound with songs of joy.

These great moments likely happened more than I realized. Unfortunately, the chaos of my mind and manners often left me so stressed from work and life that by time holidays came, I was tired, frustrated and depressed. I enjoyed the holidays, the time with family, the worship, the songs, the gifts, the food, the laughter and joy. But I often had a sense that I was missing something. Even in the midst of great blessings and joy, I felt a tinge of sadness and disappointment, which brought on a dose of shame. Why couldn't I just be grateful and happy?

Through prayer, counseling, medical help, 12 Step work, Bible study and other endeavors, I've learned some of the reasons and am dealing with them. Results are slow. Not God nor medicine nor behavior modification has zapped me with a quick fix. All resources indicate I have to play an active role in bringing about changes I seek. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Nothing changes if I'm not willing to do things differently.

Changes are underway this season. Some of my new choices were up to me. Others involve how I choose to react to things I can't control.

A big decision that I made this year was to sing a Christmas cantata with my mom's church in Texas rather than with the church where I am a member in Oklahoma. If I dare be honest, part of my reasoning initially was that I liked the music planned at Whaley UMC in Gainesville better than at Goodrich in Norman. But as I was trying to justify my yearning to sing in Gainesville, I became aware of a more meaningful reason to do so. Earlier this year, my 83-year-old mother, whose beautiful voice and love of singing inspired my own passion, returned to the choir there. Now, she, my sister and my sister's husband all sing in the choir at the church my mom has attended most of her adult life and that has continued to be the church my heart calls home more than 50 years after I moved away.

I've loved learning the music and enjoyed making the four-hour round trip twice to attend mid-week rehearsals. I regret that I'll be in Arkansas or Alabama next week and miss the final rehearsal. I'm grateful that because of digital recordings, I can practice and be confident of my part. I am eager for Dec. 16 to arrive, to be a part of sharing the Christmas story through beautiful music.

One thing I have had to accept, which I struggled with just a bit during rehearsal Tuesday, is that because I'm not a regular in that choir and because I won't be at the final rehearsal, I missed possible opportunities for a vocal solo or a speaking part. I'll just be part of the chorus. Over the years, at my church with a small to midsize choir, I've often been allowed to sing solos, which I've come to enjoy, even as I've doubted whether I'm the best choice for these roles. This year, it turns out to be a good exercise to accept with joy the opportunity to be a part of a great choral ensemble, especially when I remember my key incentive -- that I'll be singing with my mom, sister and brother-in-law, and some of my sister's grandchildren (mom's great-grands), will be in the children's chorus.

Interestingly, along the way I've also come to learn and love the songs that will be presented by the choir at my Norman church that same day. On Wednesday, I was able to practice with these great singers, my Goodrich church family, and felt that familiar second-guessing of my decision to sing elsewhere Dec. 16. I was grateful to hear how good they sounded and to offer my enthusiastic support to their hard work. And I appreciated the strong affirmation I have received from members when they learn why I won't be singing with them this year.

The greatest joy and blessing (and lesson) through all of this has been the realization of how wonderful it is to prepare music or other service for the Lord with people I love and appreciate and who love and appreciate me. It's not about me; it's about WE -- what WE can do to glorify God.

For today, that awareness puts me right where I belong, with a heart open to receive and share the joy God gives to hearts that love, serve and glorify Him.

Eager anticipation

It's a good thing for me that Advent is typically more about remembering the waiting and anticipation that preceded the birth of Christ, rather than discipline, which is often the focus of the Lenten season that leads up to Easter.

I'm filled with eager anticipation as I try to get into a rhythm for reading daily Advent devotionals. I have at least three to choose from. So far, life has gotten in the way of reading except for the first day. (It's now the end of day 3.)

I'm also still waiting for family celebration plans to take shape. It's interesting that even when we have firm plans, we know plans in December must include an element of flexibility dependent on the weather. But it seems unusual on the fourth day of December still not to have a pretty good idea of who will be where, and when, among my siblings and mom.

It fits well with a time in my life where I'm trying to find a good balance among planning, preparing, going with the flow and trusting God, all while looking for and building up the positive in each situation or circumstance.

I don't know where it's leading. I'm grateful to feel the certainty of God's presence on the journey.

Silencing the critic

How did I become such a critic? I’ve become shamefully aware that rather than appreciating the creative gifts of artists such as singers and writers, I have a tendency to evaluate and judge. 

I think it stems from my self-criticism and evaluation, which likely is based in a fear of not being good enough. I stay aware of my shortcomings so I won’t be surprised if others mention them. The fact that I harshly judge myself isn’t a valid excuse for judging others. In fact, I don’t need to be judging myself so harshly either.

Some of what Lysa TerKeurst writes about in her new book, "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way," has brought this into sharper focus for me.

I don’t know whether I’m actually being more critical of others than usual, or I’m just more aware of how critical I have become. I do know it’s a hard habit to break. 

Tonight, as I was watching “The Voice,” I heard myself starting to say I didn’t like a beautiful young singer with a delightful voice because I doubted her authenticity. I caught myself and stopped, embarrassed to realize I had gone beyond judging her talent to judging her heart and integrity. Then I wondered aloud to my husband if these live competition shows invite such criticism — perhaps they provide an acceptable outlet for my inner critic to express. He just looked at me, as if he could not even relate to my question. I concluded I don’t need to be judging, at least not at this point in my life. 

This doesn’t mean there won’t ever be times where my honest opinion about the quality or appeal of a project or situation might have value. I do think I need to practice restraint, even if asked.

In this and all things, I pray to become a person who trusts God to be the only judge. I see my role as to do good, which can include looking for the good in any situation and offering affirmation and support. In most cases, if I can't think of something positive to bring to the situation, I should probably keep my thoughts to myself. (That, I've discovered, is what really makes it hard for me: I like to share my thoughts and opinions. The other pitfall I'm learning to recognize is that sometimes I think an observation is interesting or insightful rather than critical, and yet it is received as an insult or, at best, a backhanded compliment.)

I need and want to accept the creative gifts of artists. I need and want to be eager to return the grace and support with which my creative gifts most often are received. I want to be supportive rather than critical. I regret that I’ve strayed so far that this now seems difficult. I pray for God to help me respond to these precious creative gifts with eyes to see and ears to hear and a heart to experience as He does — with love, grace and affirmation.

The most wonderful time

The first Sunday of advent was a great day for worship and fellowship.

Sharing Holy Communion at the Lord’s Table during morning worship. In the evening, sharing a potluck meal with the church family before a service of scripture and carols as young and old adorned the sanctuary with festive yet symbolic decorations. 

Sharing hugs, smiles, laughter, prayers, songs and food. 

Love, service and grace. 

The heartwarming surprises of seeing people who had been ill and others who just don’t often make it to church. 

I am thankful for this church family with which I share the love of God.

It’s customary for me to doubt whether I’m spiritual enough. Today, I trust that God was present and glorified as His church came together to lift up each other as we celebrated Him. 

Let the waiting continue!

Will I ever discover my true purpose and voice? So often I think I'm about to gain a sense of one or both, and before I know it, that sense is gone.

Today's revelation is that I don't like how it feels to lack a sense of purpose and not have much to say. I pray for guidance, and no answer is clear. Today, that lack of a clear answer became an answer: This unsettled time that seems unfruitful is likely a time of growth. I need to be patient with the process. Do what's in front of me. Don't fret so much about where it will lead or how it fits together.

The most enjoyable thing I've been doing in recent days is to practice for a Christmas cantata I'll be singing with the choir at the church my Mom, my sister and much of my sister's family attends.

As much as I enjoy practicing the songs and look forward to singing with the choir Dec. 16, I have a sense that I should be using my voice to sing for others.

Two distinct ideas came to me in the past week, and I failed to act on either one. That's where this whole purpose and voice thing gets most confusing for me. I get ideas that seem to me to be divinely inspired, and then I don't act on them. I'm pretty sure my next step needs to be to discuss some of these ideas with a mentor or trusted friend. I can only imagine how long it will take me to become willing to do that.

In response to my niece's "question of the day" on Facebook yesterday, about what we do to get ourselves going when we're feeling particularly unmotivated, I wrote:  Pray, and usually also draw on a Christian or 12-step devotional. Surprisingly, the revelation often is that I’m unmotivated because I’m tired, overwhelmed, afraid, overly anxious or failing to take care of some basic personal need. I am reminded it’s OK to slow down or rest or give myself a break. When I let God’s unconditional love, mercy and grace wash over me, I begin to trust again that I cannot fail. Whatever I do or don’t do will be enough. And I’m learning to praise God even in the struggles. (It occurs to me that, to an observer and even to myself, it may look like I never really get going!!! And still things work out, when I trust God!)

Hmmm. A couple of those 12-step-inspired devotionals from that same day fit right along.

From Overeaters Anonymous Voices of Recovery: “Through prayer and meditation we align ourselves with a higher power which gives us everything we need to live to our fullest potential.” (quoting OA's 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, page 90)

When I start with prayer and meditation, I too “marvel as the day offers greater fulfillment of potential in every area of my life. Simple prayers of ‘Thy will be done’ and ‘Thank you, God’ help me maintain my morning mood all day and all night.”

And I agree that my greatest potential exists in service to others and is only possible when I am abstinent, which is only possible when I am in conscious contact with God. 

From a daily reader called Twenty-Four Hours A Day, I was reminded to pray to be on guard against wrong thinking. 

I especially liked this quote: “But from yourself, from your sense of failure, your weakness, your shortcomings, whither can you flee? Only to the eternal God, your refuge, until the immensity of His spirit envelopes your spirit and it loses its smallness and weakness and comes into harmony with life again.”

Wow!! I love and needed that strong and comforting imagery on a day that wasn't unfolding according to my plans, although truthfully I didn’t have a plan. I just had ideas and subconscious expectations. 

Then and now, I’m grateful to be trusting God, pretty much one moment at a time. It requires doing what's in front of me to do and waiting on God to show me what's next, how it will fit together and how it will turn out. It will be interesting to see what opportunities are in store. 

A divine assignment?

As the month of gratitude winds down, I'm thankful that my continuing lack of a strong sense of purpose isn't bothering me as much these days as it has in the past.

Much of that has to do with things I've been reading that help me to grab hold of Scriptures to anchor my life.

The strongest guidance is coming from Lysa TerKeurst's new book, "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way." It's subtitled "finding unexpected strength when disappointments leave you shattered."

Even though my disappointments and sufferings pale compared to the author's, I relate strongly to the the emotions and reactions she describes. So I want to also learn to rely on God, especially His words in Scripture, as she strives to in dealing with life on life's terms.

She writes about seeing a disappointment as an opportunity for a divine appointment.

Earlier in the week, a devotional author wrote about how she thought she should respond to a friend going through crisis. Through prayer, she realized that her good-intentioned plan wasn't what God had in mind for her. It wasn't her assignment.

That concept has stayed with me. I tend to be a meddler. I want to know what's going on, and more often than I care to admit, I tend to try to control things or at least influence how they play out. I'm trying to be aware of when I'm getting in the way of the greater good. Sometimes I just need to trust God that He's in charge.

Of course, that brings to mind another term that keeps popping up nowadays: predestination. I've recently become more aware that predestination is a concept most United Methodists don't have much use for. It's been about that same period of time in which I've realized the faith I live and express likely includes some elements that could be described as predestination. I think the difference is that I totally believe God gives people free choice. The thing I express that some think sounds like predestination is that I think God works all things for good. And I agree, at least for today, with TerKeurst's idea that God has a plan for my life. What I'm not as sure about is whether God has a precise plan and timing for my life.

I think God's plan is for me to be in partnership with him.

As for my assignment or purpose, I really don't know. The best I can come up with still seems to be:

Smile. Encourage. Focus on good. Express gratitude to God. Help others. 

And then the Denison Forum ended with this:

Max Lucado: “You can be everything God wants you to be.” As he notes, “DaVinci painted one Mona Lisa. Beethoven composed one Fifth Symphony. And God made one version of YOU. He custom designed you for a one-of-a-kind assignment.”

What is yours?

For tonight, I still don't really know. And I'm pretty sure that's OK.