Let the waiting continue!

Will I ever discover my true purpose and voice? So often I think I'm about to gain a sense of one or both, and before I know it, that sense is gone.

Today's revelation is that I don't like how it feels to lack a sense of purpose and not have much to say. I pray for guidance, and no answer is clear. Today, that lack of a clear answer became an answer: This unsettled time that seems unfruitful is likely a time of growth. I need to be patient with the process. Do what's in front of me. Don't fret so much about where it will lead or how it fits together.

The most enjoyable thing I've been doing in recent days is to practice for a Christmas cantata I'll be singing with the choir at the church my Mom, my sister and much of my sister's family attends.

As much as I enjoy practicing the songs and look forward to singing with the choir Dec. 16, I have a sense that I should be using my voice to sing for others.

Two distinct ideas came to me in the past week, and I failed to act on either one. That's where this whole purpose and voice thing gets most confusing for me. I get ideas that seem to me to be divinely inspired, and then I don't act on them. I'm pretty sure my next step needs to be to discuss some of these ideas with a mentor or trusted friend. I can only imagine how long it will take me to become willing to do that.

In response to my niece's "question of the day" on Facebook yesterday, about what we do to get ourselves going when we're feeling particularly unmotivated, I wrote:  Pray, and usually also draw on a Christian or 12-step devotional. Surprisingly, the revelation often is that I’m unmotivated because I’m tired, overwhelmed, afraid, overly anxious or failing to take care of some basic personal need. I am reminded it’s OK to slow down or rest or give myself a break. When I let God’s unconditional love, mercy and grace wash over me, I begin to trust again that I cannot fail. Whatever I do or don’t do will be enough. And I’m learning to praise God even in the struggles. (It occurs to me that, to an observer and even to myself, it may look like I never really get going!!! And still things work out, when I trust God!)

Hmmm. A couple of those 12-step-inspired devotionals from that same day fit right along.

From Overeaters Anonymous Voices of Recovery: “Through prayer and meditation we align ourselves with a higher power which gives us everything we need to live to our fullest potential.” (quoting OA's 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, page 90)

When I start with prayer and meditation, I too “marvel as the day offers greater fulfillment of potential in every area of my life. Simple prayers of ‘Thy will be done’ and ‘Thank you, God’ help me maintain my morning mood all day and all night.”

And I agree that my greatest potential exists in service to others and is only possible when I am abstinent, which is only possible when I am in conscious contact with God. 

From a daily reader called Twenty-Four Hours A Day, I was reminded to pray to be on guard against wrong thinking. 

I especially liked this quote: “But from yourself, from your sense of failure, your weakness, your shortcomings, whither can you flee? Only to the eternal God, your refuge, until the immensity of His spirit envelopes your spirit and it loses its smallness and weakness and comes into harmony with life again.”

Wow!! I love and needed that strong and comforting imagery on a day that wasn't unfolding according to my plans, although truthfully I didn’t have a plan. I just had ideas and subconscious expectations. 

Then and now, I’m grateful to be trusting God, pretty much one moment at a time. It requires doing what's in front of me to do and waiting on God to show me what's next, how it will fit together and how it will turn out. It will be interesting to see what opportunities are in store.