The tiniest grain of faith

I started the day wondering and praying: Who am I & what would you have me do and be, Lord?

Shortly thereafter, I wrote these words, which I kept in my heart, thoughts and prayers throughout the day:

I am a child of God, loved by God, beautiful and good in His sight, able to do all things through the power of the Holy Spirit, and yet not required to do anything, because nothing can separate me from His love — no matter what I do or don’t do, God loves me and is working for good. He longs for me to accept His love, mercy and grace and to partner with Him, that I may know the fullness of peace and joy that comes from loving, honoring, obeying, praising and thanking Him. He is greater than whatever it is that has been holding me back from experiencing His love. All I need is the tiniest grain of faith. I have that! Thank You, God, for the hope and promise of a new day, this day, every day. I am grateful and eager to see where You lead me.

And at day's end: Thank You, God! Today definitely seemed much better! Thank You! Amen!

One good thing

So, I wanted to make three blog posts tonight, and if I publish this, I will fulfill that desire.

Why don't I feel fulfilled?

If you're reading this and read the previous posts, the answer should be obvious. The posts are pretty pointless. I can't really even classify them as placeholders, because I never go back to fill in the gaps.

And yet, suddenly, I do feel a bit of satisfaction.

I think it's as simple as this being something I did for me. I don't have time to come up with something better. I just wanted to post words. And I did it.

And now I'll go to bed.

And I'll wake up knowing I checked this off a list.

And hope will continue to spring. God knows my heart, even if I'm not sharing it in words and actions as I would prefer to do. This is another vague step toward that goal. And that's a good thing.

A few of my favorite things

As best I recall, my favorite moments of July included:

-- helping with Aunt Amy's Basketball Camp for children of our nieces and nephews. If I had had a teacher like Amy, I might have played basketball beyond my freshman year of high school. I had the realization that basketball was one of many experiences growing up where I either never was really taught or just could not understand the teaching at the time. Now that I'm 61, some of what Amy taught the kids made shooting and dribbling make a lot more sense. It was fun. I bought a basketball for camp and have continued to dribble some and even went to the basketball goal in the neighborhood park one day to shoot some hoops. Now if I just had someone to join me!

-- singing, whether it be practicing songs or providing music for a celebration of life.

-- twirling a baton.

-- fishing.

-- playing with a kitty.

I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting some good moments that involved other people.

And the truth is, some of my best moments weren't those fun kinds of things. They were times when I knew I was being helpful to someone. Such as when I mowed the grass twice while my husband was traveling; watering sod twice a day; helping edit a newsletter; taking the lead in a major revision of a job description for a committee; visiting and picking up donations from an isolated friend ...

Bible reading and study.

Zoom Sunday school classes and 12-step meetings.

Worship in person and online.

Walking with my husband.

Expressing gratitude.

Decisions, decisions!

Decisions!

They are typically what derail my good intentions for a day.

And the decisions typically start early, often before the alarm even sounds.

I tend to awaken before I consider it time to get up, and then I have to decide what to do. This decision is typically easy: If the alarm hasn't gone off, I'm not getting up!

In recent months, I've used this time, sometimes two hours before the alarm, to read Scripture and Bible lessons. Then I can usually go back to sleep.

That's actually one of my easier decisions of a day. They seem to get harder after that.

And the slowness with which I decide inevitably brings me to the end of the day, wondering where the time went.

That's also becoming the pattern for a week or a month. I lose time and miss opportunities while trying to decide -- then the end or the deadline arrives, and the result of my indecision is that I've accomplished little that I thought I desired to do.

For some reason, I thought deciding to write a blog post would be a good choice. I thought it might inspire some creativity and fuel some motivation. I decided to give it a try.

Apparently not.

Will I ever get out of this slump?

I choose to believe I will. I believe that's a good decision.

Hope springs eternal. Great is God's faithfulness.

Where does the time go?

So often I want to write on this blog, and I don't find time. And when I have a chance to sit and write, I can't remember what I was going to write about.

And now it's July 15. This month is half over, and I could not resist at least checking in.

I guess that's all it will be.

For whatever it's worth, I choose not to be disappointed.

More to come!

A good day ...

fishing!

Happy Father's Day, belated (what's new?)

I thought about my Daddy often yesterday, which was Father's Day 2020. For some reason, neither I nor anyone else in my family that I'm aware of posted anything on social media expressing our love and remembrance. I'm sure we all had our private thoughts.

I think Daddy would understand that we are all just finding our way through these strange times, what with the pandemic and the racial turmoil. It would be interesting to know what Daddy would have to say about these things.

I can imagine the comments on Covid-19 would be amusing, although it would also be frightening to consider him dealing with it in his mid-90s if he were still alive. I'm grateful I can count him among my cloud of saintly witnesses in heaven instead.

His comments about the racial turmoil going on in our nation and world might be more challenging. Perhaps this is another reason I can be grateful for the years he lived on this earth and to also be able to trust that God has each of us where we need to be when we need to be there.

I just read a devotional from Max Lucado drawn from his book "Cure for the Common Life."  It encourages us to consider that God equipped each of us to be exactly what we are meant to be.

In one of my final conversations with Daddy, he specifically said he had no regrets in his life, even though he also said he knew he didn't always make the best choices. He knew that as a child of God, he didn't have to be perfect. He loved God, he loved his family and he made it a habit to do what was right and to be helpful to others.

I'm still struggling with really accepting that as a child of God I don't have to be perfect, as well as being helpful to others.

Perhaps a small step is writing this, even though it's a day late. Another step would be to share it on Facebook, in case it would inspire or encourage someone. (More people read my social media posts; I don't know of anyone who reads my blog unless I share the link on Facebook!) But I don't think I'm ready for that step. And that's OK.

I think my Daddy would understand and accepts and loves me either way.