A fresh start

It is August. The new month snuck up on me. I really want to make some positive changes, and the start of a new month seemed like perfect timing. But I didn't think of it until the day was half over and I'd already fallen short of the new goals. Oh well. There's always tomorrow!!! 

Remembering Elaine -- but words are inadequate

A week ago today I was in Arkansas. I was on my way there when Mom called and said my sister-in-law Elaine had died. I had just turned off the car radio and run through "On Eagles' Wings" and was singing through it again, wondering if I might have a chance to sing it for Elaine, when Mom called with the news. I was near Wewoka -- about an hour into the 3 1/2 hour drive -- and had to decide whether to turn around or go on. I could not imagine turning around, so when I called my husband, the conversation included whether he would be willing to try to bring the clothes and other items I would need. He graciously said he would, even though we both knew it would involve him having to work through some of my issues (translate: messes) that are very frustrating to him. (It's interesting that I knew she could die at any time, but for some reason I had decided it would not happen that weekend, so I did not bring the extra items.)

How do a 57-year-old husband (my brother, Mike), three daughters ages 16 to 27, a 90-something Mom, plus siblings, and countless friends and extended family say good-bye to a saint on earth? That became the task at hand: finding the ways to let go and honor and remember and grieve and plan and prepare and celebrate and be grateful and stay faithful.

By the grace of God, it all comes together. Flowers. Written tributes. Pictures. Receiving friends and family and their outpourings of love, food and service. 

Underpinning it all is faith, expressed through individual and group prayers and expressions of gratitude and praise to God,  as well as attendance at church on Sunday, a rosary service on Tuesday and a funeral Mass and the graveside rites on Wednesday. 

I stayed from Saturday to Wednesday. I don't know what I was able to do, but I was acting in faith that it was where I was supposed to be, even if as nothing more than a quiet presence. 

Mostly I pray. I prayed and tried to be a friend and presence during Elaine's journey with cancer since late 2013. I continued to this past week and still do now. I don't know what to say or do or write. About the only thing I did with confidence was sing "Trust and Obey," the request of my brother after we had sung it at church Sunday. And even the strength and confidence of singing Wednesday was God, not me. 

I will never understand why a vibrant 54-year-old saint on Earth must leave this life so soon. The magnitude of such a mystery is second only to the great sense of sadness and loss from her physical absence. 

And yet, we know she is very much with us. The faith of my brother and their daughters and her Mom and siblings are an inspiration and example to all. We will remember Elaine and be grateful to God for his rich blessings to and through her and her family. 

And words still seem so inadequate to express all that is in my heart. In fact, they not only seem inadequate, they seem to possibly minimize what I and others have experienced and may now be feeling. 

Lord, I just lift this up to you as I try to preserve thoughts and memories associated with our beloved Elaine. 

Sad and grateful

My brother's sweet wife Elaine died Saturday shortly after noon. She was an amazing woman who showed so much grace as a wife and mother and sister and co-worker and Christian and in every role she filled. She was courageous in her fight against cancer. And now she is whole again and reunited with loved ones in heaven. I know many of my friends have been praying for Elaine and Mike Davidson and their family, and that is so appreciated. I am grateful to God for his continued blessings on this family. 

Worth the trip

Knowing I would be in airports and on planes last Sunday morning, I knew I would not be going to church. I also knew I wanted to go with God. 

I typically pray when the plane takes off and lands, and that was no different this time. 

A real sense of the divine came in the timing that allowed me to connect with a friend and her husband when we arrived in Charleston, S.C., even though I did not call her until that morning. I hate that I don't plan and execute intentions better, but I am immensely grateful I didn't let lack of ore planning stop me from making that call. The wonderful visit set the stage for a relaxing mini-vacation. 

Myrtle Beach was fantastic. Smooth sand. Great sand. A hotel room with a perfect view. 

Fireworks. Visiting a cousin who truly lives at the beach.  

And still I wonder: How much better would it be if I weren't so disorganized?

Who knows? It might not be any better. 

This is all very random. I do hope to come back and edit this one. I just wanted to get today's time stamp. 

Maybe something about the presidential security and the beached whale. 

And fireworks on the way to buy gas back in OKC. 

It's all good. And worth the trip. . 

Ready for a Vacation!

I'm pretty much packed and ready to catch a plane to South Carolina for a leisurely few days at the beach. 

It seems kinda crazy to be going. The opportunity was unexpected. But I jumped on it as soon as I knew about it. Then some other circumstances changed, and the opportunity seemed less ideal. I'm truly trusting God and believing His timing is perfect. It adds to my eagerness to see what He has planned. 

On my to-do list for Sunday since our flight leaves at 6, which means no church, is to worship and pray along the way. Go with God. No wonder I'm excited!!!

Grateful and free

On this Independence Day, it seems fitting to list freedoms for which I am grateful. 

I'm grateful to God for hope that springs eternal. I'm grateful to be free to choose to love and worship God. 

I'm free to try and fail. 

I'm free to love and be loved. 

I'm free to pursue happiness. 

I'm free to choose what kind of work to do. 

I'm free to ramble. 

I'm free to keep on keeping on, trying to find my way, trying to find my truth. 

I'm free to keep learning. And I pledge to do so. I feel as if I am regressing in so many areas. I am free to turn this ship around. 

God please help me. 

Thank You. 

Weary spirit

I didn't blog about Mother's Day or Father's Day this year. I usually do, and I'm not sure why I didn't. 

I had hoped to look back at Facebook and journals and compile an aggregate!! But it's almost a week after Father's Day, and I still haven't done it. 

The blog may be winding down. I want to be upbeat and optimistic and honest. But situations in life -- including friends losing loved ones; court rulings on social issues and impossible circumstances at work -- have been weighing down my mind. I keep praying and coming back to stand on my faith, but I end up mentally and spiritually exhausted.  And physically exhausted, too. 

Maybe I've just let myself get too tired. I hope that's all it is.

Nostalgic. 

Depressed. 

Grateful. 

Blessed. 

From Craig Denison's First 15 again:

Isaiah 26:3 says, "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." Our God has peace in store for us in every situation if we will choose to keep our mind stayed on him and trust him. The world says that peace can only come when you've worked your fingers to the bone and have finally attained all you want. ... God's way is to draw you into himself and offer you peace in the midst of your circumstances. He doesn't want you to wait until everything gets worked out before you can have rest-- he's offering you rest right now.

 "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul." (Psalm 23:1-3).