Sunday, November 15, 2009

Why I no longer write for a living. Sigh.

Slowly rebuilding.
This is why ...
Too many thoughts; unable to focus ...
The paralysis that occurs when hopes get tangled with expectations.
I can't even think of a lead.
I hope and pray that maybe this continuing exercise of writing -- and publishing, so to speak -- even when I can't figure out what I'm trying to say will help me get past the writer's block that in reality was with me even when I was paid to write.

Among the things I wanted to say about the past week:

I wrote something for the newspaper or its Web site about being an Aggie in Oklahoma for OU/A&M football game week, but there was no place for it. That was fine. I did it for me. It was harder than I would have thought to take some of those blog thoughts and try to shape them into something that might be acceptable for the paper.

I won a newsroom award for a headline. That was positive affirmation (and timely) as I go through this time of struggling with being a copy editor instead of a writer.
"Racy for the Cure?
AWARENESS / Opinions mixed on suggestive images to fight cancer”

As for the process of deciding to go to the OU/A&M game, looking for tickets and trying to find someone to go with me, it turned out to be very positive and rewarding for me. I definitely spent some time outside my comfort zone. Even though it wasn't a noble pursuit in the scheme of life's important matters, it was good practice for me in deciding something, following through (not giving up) and finding good in the results when so many aspects looked like failures on the surface.
After all:
-- I couldn't even give away a great ticket to get someone to go with me. (Positives: I went anyway. The people around me were nice.)
-- The score was brutal, 65-10, not a win for the good guys. (Positives: Can't say I saw any from the A&M football team on the field; I almost left during the third quarter, but after some serious soul-searching I found a reason to stay, moving closer to the A&M band and standing in solidarity with them; they have to stay to the end of every game. It felt good to do the same! I was surprised at how few Sooners stayed to watch their team win.)

Before I decided to spend money for a ticket, and realizing the time it takes to go to a game, I wrestled a bit with priorities for spending time and money. At the same time I was deciding to buy a ticket and attend the game, I was deciding against filling a shoebox with toys and gifts for a child's Christmas present in a program the church participated in. I'm still wrestling with that. Gave some money; will give some more. I also ended up not helping out with Angel Food Saturday morning. How can I justify that? Sure, nobody's perfect, but that was pretty lame.
One thing I had decided and followed through with was that, since I did make the decision to attend the game, I would be cheerful and upbeat, no matter what. And I was. When I think about it, that's pretty amazing. Because it was cold, I wasn't there with anyone I knew, and the team performed miserably. And still I had a great time and no regrets about attending.

And still -- When the Aggies come back to Norman in two years, if I'm still here, I'm determined that I will attend with friends, whether Aggies or Sooners. I'll start working on it now, taking steps to make sure I have friends and that I'm not afraid to do things with them.

(possibly more to come; gotta go pet the kitty now!)

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