Tuesday, December 9, 2014

My #Healthy65 Holiday Challenge update, Day 28/65

My #Healthy65 Holiday Challenge goal started out as reducing my gum consumption by half for two days per week. It immediately became my desire to meet this standard every day. I've been going along pretty well with it, even as it has continued to take intentional thought. (If I didn't think about it, I would easily slip back into continuous chewing, as annoying as that is, even to me.)

For some reason, today, Day 28, I found myself wondering if I'm being honest. I think I may be playing mind games. For one, I was downplaying the amount of gum I previously chewed, and therefore set my target low. That means I've had some wiggle room, which I have used. (I can go over my target some and still be reducing my consumption by half.)

Anyway, the thing I realized is that I feel guilty or bad or ashamed of myself if I go over the lower target.

I don't want to feel guilty or bad or ashamed of myself. But I have a tendency to do so, and not just involving what I consume. In recent weeks (maybe the four weeks of this challenge?), I've really been working myself over mentally, second-guessing most of my thoughts, feelings, actions and attempts to express. High on the list is that I'm still as self-focused as ever, letting fear or just blatant selfishness hold me back from being a more generous and serving person. (Oh yes, I've also given myself a pretty good mental thrashing over a spell of forgetfulness and losing things that is driving me crazy, even though the good news is I've ended up finding most of the misplaced things!!!)

Unfortunately, in the process, I see that I have a tendency to judge others just as harshly as I judge myself. And I think I may express those judgments more than I realize, especially at work but also in other areas.

I want to lighten up. I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. I think that is my next goal, to find a way to be less judgmental, critical and negative, and more gracious, supportive and affirming. I'm pretty sure I can only do that with God's help. And so, as usual, I will pray, then try to let go and let God, and give Him the glory.

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