What would I do if I knew ... ?
--Surrender. Not to the disease or the fear or the grief or despair but to the care of a loving and gracious God. This sometimes is a moment by moment process. I surrender then I take it back. I surrender, then I try to start fighting it again. Let go and let God. Let God fight it for me.
--Acceptance. The Serenity Prayer. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." I want to know everything -- the doctors, the medical details, the nurses, the Hospice team; how daddy and mom are experiencing everything. I want to be there. I want to help. I need to accept reality. Add to the Serenity Prayer an attitude of gratitude: gratefulness that Mom and Dad have family, extended family, church, friends and resources including medical care and hospice.
--I thought I would cry. There haven't been many tears yet. What seems to be happening is that I'm shutting that down. I think that may explain why some days I feel as if I'm in a fog. It seems I can't shut down the negative or sad feelings without affecting the full range of emotions.
I thought maybe when the Aggies lost to OSU yesterday in Aggieland that would trigger tears. No, not yet. It will be something more random, I guess. All that game did was mess with my mind. A win would have made me feel a simple kind of happiness. With a loss, my silly mind keeps going over what-ifs. What a waste of mental energy, but that's what happens. So I expend more mental/spiritual energy to tear my thoughts from that unchangeable and truly insignificant thing to subjects of substance. I rationalize and try to see what God is trying to teach me from my reaction to a game. And I still wish they had won. (See, I still haven't let go.)
--Smiles and gratitude. Still, so far, there are more smiles and more gratitude for blessings and less sadness and fewer tears than I would have expected. But there is growing tiredness, and with that comes greater vulnerability to unhealthy choices -- and also to the breakthrough of pent-up emotions. So, I'm back to where I started: praying to let go and let God, to trust Him to protect me from negativity, despair, fear or even too much tiredness, and to hold me in His loving arms and care.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Pacesetters
My Dad turned 85 yesterday (Sunday), and he's scheduled to get a pacemaker tomorrow (Tuesday). I'd say for someone with an irregular heartbeat, that apparently can get real slow sometimes nowadays, he's done a great job throughout life of keeping on keeping on and setting a good example for those who are watching, such as this daughter. And Mom's right there with him, day by day showing that life's too short not to stay active and treasure each moment.
I feel so blessed when I get to spend time with them, such as this past Saturday and Sunday. Mom had a get-together with some of the family Saturday at their house. Not all of the kids were there right then, but all had been by to visit in the past week. We all enjoy visiting each other, but it also seems good for Mom and Dad when we space out our visits rather than all come at once. Saturday was nice though. The weather was warm enough for people to sit around outside, on the north side of the house, shielded somewhat from the brisk south wind. As darkness fell, there was even a super moon to provide atmosphere! The dry weather and north Texas burn ban meant no candles on the cake, but that was OK, too.
Sunday brought worship with Mom and Dad, my brother and sister-in-law and one of their daughters, and a sister and brother-in-law and their daughter-in-law at the church we grew up in. I'd planned to be there ever since I realized Daddy's birthday was on a Sunday. I planned far enough ahead that I was able to provide special music, singing "His Eye Is on the Sparrow," filling a request for a church member who is also a relative. I may have even had a breakthrough singing there this time. It's where I grew up singing and wanting to sing, but somewhere along the way, I lost confidence. And even as I gained confidence singing other places, I'd become aware that when I sing during worship at Whaley, some of the old nervousness and doubt kicks in. But I prayed about it and really tried to just get lost in the words: Let not your heart be troubled/ His tender words I hear/ And resting in His goodness/ I lose all doubt and fear .... I sing because I'm happy/ I sing because I'm free/ His eye is on the sparrow/ And I know He watches me. I truly felt the joy and blessing of the song, and I'm grateful for that.
Besides the words of the song, I also was encouraged by another example from my pacesetter mom. She had set her mind to having Daddy's party at their house, even though it's not as roomy as some others that are pretty easily available. Even on Saturday, as the crowd grew, a comment was made that this could have been somewhere else. But Mom said she wanted to have it there, so Daddy didn't have to go anywhere. And she said she knew it would work. And it did. How I love that faith and spirit. I'm trying to hold onto it.
As for my Dad, in some ways he seemed as strong or stronger this weekend as I've seen him since his lung surgery last fall, and maybe for some time before that. The thought crossed my mind: Does he really need a pacemaker? But I do understand the need. And I appreciate that he and Mom are willing to do things to keep them as healthy as they can be. I'm still working to learn from that example for myself.
So, soon my pacesetting parents will have a pacemaker to help them out. (I say help them out because if it's good for Daddy, that's good for Mom.) Now I'll never be able to keep up! But I feel grateful and blessed for the pace they have set and my willingness to keep trying.
I feel so blessed when I get to spend time with them, such as this past Saturday and Sunday. Mom had a get-together with some of the family Saturday at their house. Not all of the kids were there right then, but all had been by to visit in the past week. We all enjoy visiting each other, but it also seems good for Mom and Dad when we space out our visits rather than all come at once. Saturday was nice though. The weather was warm enough for people to sit around outside, on the north side of the house, shielded somewhat from the brisk south wind. As darkness fell, there was even a super moon to provide atmosphere! The dry weather and north Texas burn ban meant no candles on the cake, but that was OK, too.
Sunday brought worship with Mom and Dad, my brother and sister-in-law and one of their daughters, and a sister and brother-in-law and their daughter-in-law at the church we grew up in. I'd planned to be there ever since I realized Daddy's birthday was on a Sunday. I planned far enough ahead that I was able to provide special music, singing "His Eye Is on the Sparrow," filling a request for a church member who is also a relative. I may have even had a breakthrough singing there this time. It's where I grew up singing and wanting to sing, but somewhere along the way, I lost confidence. And even as I gained confidence singing other places, I'd become aware that when I sing during worship at Whaley, some of the old nervousness and doubt kicks in. But I prayed about it and really tried to just get lost in the words: Let not your heart be troubled/ His tender words I hear/ And resting in His goodness/ I lose all doubt and fear .... I sing because I'm happy/ I sing because I'm free/ His eye is on the sparrow/ And I know He watches me. I truly felt the joy and blessing of the song, and I'm grateful for that.
Besides the words of the song, I also was encouraged by another example from my pacesetter mom. She had set her mind to having Daddy's party at their house, even though it's not as roomy as some others that are pretty easily available. Even on Saturday, as the crowd grew, a comment was made that this could have been somewhere else. But Mom said she wanted to have it there, so Daddy didn't have to go anywhere. And she said she knew it would work. And it did. How I love that faith and spirit. I'm trying to hold onto it.
As for my Dad, in some ways he seemed as strong or stronger this weekend as I've seen him since his lung surgery last fall, and maybe for some time before that. The thought crossed my mind: Does he really need a pacemaker? But I do understand the need. And I appreciate that he and Mom are willing to do things to keep them as healthy as they can be. I'm still working to learn from that example for myself.
So, soon my pacesetting parents will have a pacemaker to help them out. (I say help them out because if it's good for Daddy, that's good for Mom.) Now I'll never be able to keep up! But I feel grateful and blessed for the pace they have set and my willingness to keep trying.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Through it all: Sweet music of life
As 2010 winds down, I feel compelled to write again about two events from this past year. They stand out above the rest as evidence that even in the toughest times, the sweet music of life can be heard and shared.
The first is so bitter I hate to even write about it. On Jan. 5, as I was preparing to meet my brother in Weatherford to watch his daughter play basketball with her college team from Arkansas, I got a call from my mom saying Mike wouldn't be coming to Oklahoma. When I asked why, the news was stunning: My uncle Joe, who lived near Mike and his family in Arkansas, had been found dead that morning. Circumstances were tragic and unsettling and to this day seem incomprehensible. But as has happened every time my Mom or my Dad or anyone in their families have faced dire situations, close and extended family and friends rallied together in faith and fellowship to get through it. Some relationships seemed to grow stronger and become more treasured with the stark reminder of just how precious and fragile life is. In no way, shape or form did any of the positive outcomes make up for the loss and heartache. But I think a powerful lesson of life and faith is that even in the worst of times, we have choices. Even in the face of my uncle's irreversible choice that seemed to be born of hopelessness, survivors chose to find hope and forgiveness and precious memories and the faithfulness of God.
The second development began in mid-August. When my Dad, a longtime (but by then ex-) smoker who also has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) and emphysema, decided it was time for a chest x-ray, a small spot was found on a lung. Thus began a series of doctor's visits and tests and evaluations; a cancer diagnosis; indecision and decisions -- and eventually surgery on Oct. 5. After initially amazing results and recovery and then some setbacks and discouragement, he left the final hospital Nov. 24, the day before Thanksgiving.
I've written many words about this as Dad and Mom and the family went through the decisions and the results of those decisions. Many of those words are in past blog posts. Tonight, I'm just trying to feel and put into words some of my love and joy and gratitude for God and my parents and my family and friends. And words still come up woefully short. How do you convey through written words a smile, a hug and the warm pulse of a beating heart? Close your eyes, and maybe you'll see and feel it.
At least on the surface, many things continue to look bleak as I prepare to turn the calendar page. There are loved ones in poor health or without jobs. Some aspects of our culture, the economy and world are frightening. We're all getting older ....
But the year that's ending teaches me not to be afraid -- or at least to not stay afraid. It's OK to feel moments of sadness, discouragement, grief, frustration, anger and fear. But I need not let them paralyze me. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. ... He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. ... Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever" (Psalm 23).
Even when I recite the 23rd Psalm in my head, I hear music -- the sweet music of life that flows from faith, family, friendship and spirit. May I never cease to seek it and share it -- and give the glory to God.
The first is so bitter I hate to even write about it. On Jan. 5, as I was preparing to meet my brother in Weatherford to watch his daughter play basketball with her college team from Arkansas, I got a call from my mom saying Mike wouldn't be coming to Oklahoma. When I asked why, the news was stunning: My uncle Joe, who lived near Mike and his family in Arkansas, had been found dead that morning. Circumstances were tragic and unsettling and to this day seem incomprehensible. But as has happened every time my Mom or my Dad or anyone in their families have faced dire situations, close and extended family and friends rallied together in faith and fellowship to get through it. Some relationships seemed to grow stronger and become more treasured with the stark reminder of just how precious and fragile life is. In no way, shape or form did any of the positive outcomes make up for the loss and heartache. But I think a powerful lesson of life and faith is that even in the worst of times, we have choices. Even in the face of my uncle's irreversible choice that seemed to be born of hopelessness, survivors chose to find hope and forgiveness and precious memories and the faithfulness of God.
The second development began in mid-August. When my Dad, a longtime (but by then ex-) smoker who also has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) and emphysema, decided it was time for a chest x-ray, a small spot was found on a lung. Thus began a series of doctor's visits and tests and evaluations; a cancer diagnosis; indecision and decisions -- and eventually surgery on Oct. 5. After initially amazing results and recovery and then some setbacks and discouragement, he left the final hospital Nov. 24, the day before Thanksgiving.
I've written many words about this as Dad and Mom and the family went through the decisions and the results of those decisions. Many of those words are in past blog posts. Tonight, I'm just trying to feel and put into words some of my love and joy and gratitude for God and my parents and my family and friends. And words still come up woefully short. How do you convey through written words a smile, a hug and the warm pulse of a beating heart? Close your eyes, and maybe you'll see and feel it.
At least on the surface, many things continue to look bleak as I prepare to turn the calendar page. There are loved ones in poor health or without jobs. Some aspects of our culture, the economy and world are frightening. We're all getting older ....
But the year that's ending teaches me not to be afraid -- or at least to not stay afraid. It's OK to feel moments of sadness, discouragement, grief, frustration, anger and fear. But I need not let them paralyze me. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. ... He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. ... Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever" (Psalm 23).
Even when I recite the 23rd Psalm in my head, I hear music -- the sweet music of life that flows from faith, family, friendship and spirit. May I never cease to seek it and share it -- and give the glory to God.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Freedom to be
Psalmcat 51:7.4.10
For weeks, a recurring theme that has come up in places such as my 12-step meetings, Sunday school and Bible study has to do with being the best versus being my best. And today, when the Fourth of July with its focus on freedom comes on a Sunday, I must exercise what I see as my responsibility to write about it! My prayer is to keep it short and simple so I can go forth and serve (or at least celebrate)!
I've listened as people talked about what seems to be the norm: the desire to be THE best. For many years, that was me. Whether it was to be the best student, the best majorette, the best singer, the best writer, the best daughter, the best friend -- being the best was the goal. Of course, only one person can be THE best, so that was a sure-fire formula for disappointment and disillusionment. And after a fair amount of success through high school, a world of disappointment and disillusionment is where I found myself for many years.
In the interest of trying to keep this fairly short and quick, I won't go into details of all those years and the long road out of that world. But these recent discussions have reminded me of principles and beliefs I hold onto today that keep me from going back to that place.
I guess the most basic and essential change is that, as I've become a regular reader of God's Word, I've been convinced that God created me; He proclaimed me good (despite all of what I see as my shortcomings, weaknesses, failures, mistakes and imperfections, etc.) and He loves me so much that even if I were the only person on Earth in need of salvation, He would have sent His son to die for me so that I could live with Him forever. I'm not sure when I truly began to believe that. But I know it came as a result of being around people who have loved me forever (my parents, relatives, church family, dear friends) and people who I've met along the way, even in the worst years, who saw good in me and offered love, acceptance and understanding. Eventually, out of deep personal need, I embraced that God's love is the source of all that love. And I guess that's when I started wanting to know God better, so I started reading the Bible. Not surprisingly, before I started reading the Bible regularly, I knew more about God from what other people said than from what God Himself said. No wonder I was so confused!!!!
I'm still confused a lot of the time, but it's easier for me to come back to those basics. Another of those basics for me is that God's not asking me to be the best. He wants me to be my best -- the best at what He created me to be. I think it was a couple of weeks ago during Sunday school that I realized that's at least a two-part deal. First, I have to seek to know what God is calling me to do and be. And then I have to do it, which often requires overcoming fear (of failure, of being overwhelmed, of being ridiculed or embarrassed, possibly of even being viewed as vain or childish), procrastination, and lack of necessarily knowledge, skill or resources. I think some of the results of that search have been more regular Sunday school attendance; commitment to attending a midweek prayer time; a better attitude at work even when circumstances seem impossible; sharing my heart and journey on my blog; and most recently, recording beloved songs and posting them on youtube.
I can tell you this for sure: If I thought I had to be the best, I would not be blogging or recording things and putting them on youtube. The blog and the recordings are living examples that, for me in certain areas including these, the call is to just do it. I'm free to resist that call, but I've found that the blessing comes from doing it. With the songs, my focus is on the beautiful words and melodies, not the singer. As for the blog, I still don't know. It's something about the spirit's call to my heart: Sweet music of life -- To hear it! To share it! Maybe I fear that if I don't share it, I'll quit hearing it. And God knows I never want to quit hearing that beautiful sound!
For weeks, a recurring theme that has come up in places such as my 12-step meetings, Sunday school and Bible study has to do with being the best versus being my best. And today, when the Fourth of July with its focus on freedom comes on a Sunday, I must exercise what I see as my responsibility to write about it! My prayer is to keep it short and simple so I can go forth and serve (or at least celebrate)!
I've listened as people talked about what seems to be the norm: the desire to be THE best. For many years, that was me. Whether it was to be the best student, the best majorette, the best singer, the best writer, the best daughter, the best friend -- being the best was the goal. Of course, only one person can be THE best, so that was a sure-fire formula for disappointment and disillusionment. And after a fair amount of success through high school, a world of disappointment and disillusionment is where I found myself for many years.
In the interest of trying to keep this fairly short and quick, I won't go into details of all those years and the long road out of that world. But these recent discussions have reminded me of principles and beliefs I hold onto today that keep me from going back to that place.
I guess the most basic and essential change is that, as I've become a regular reader of God's Word, I've been convinced that God created me; He proclaimed me good (despite all of what I see as my shortcomings, weaknesses, failures, mistakes and imperfections, etc.) and He loves me so much that even if I were the only person on Earth in need of salvation, He would have sent His son to die for me so that I could live with Him forever. I'm not sure when I truly began to believe that. But I know it came as a result of being around people who have loved me forever (my parents, relatives, church family, dear friends) and people who I've met along the way, even in the worst years, who saw good in me and offered love, acceptance and understanding. Eventually, out of deep personal need, I embraced that God's love is the source of all that love. And I guess that's when I started wanting to know God better, so I started reading the Bible. Not surprisingly, before I started reading the Bible regularly, I knew more about God from what other people said than from what God Himself said. No wonder I was so confused!!!!
I'm still confused a lot of the time, but it's easier for me to come back to those basics. Another of those basics for me is that God's not asking me to be the best. He wants me to be my best -- the best at what He created me to be. I think it was a couple of weeks ago during Sunday school that I realized that's at least a two-part deal. First, I have to seek to know what God is calling me to do and be. And then I have to do it, which often requires overcoming fear (of failure, of being overwhelmed, of being ridiculed or embarrassed, possibly of even being viewed as vain or childish), procrastination, and lack of necessarily knowledge, skill or resources. I think some of the results of that search have been more regular Sunday school attendance; commitment to attending a midweek prayer time; a better attitude at work even when circumstances seem impossible; sharing my heart and journey on my blog; and most recently, recording beloved songs and posting them on youtube.
I can tell you this for sure: If I thought I had to be the best, I would not be blogging or recording things and putting them on youtube. The blog and the recordings are living examples that, for me in certain areas including these, the call is to just do it. I'm free to resist that call, but I've found that the blessing comes from doing it. With the songs, my focus is on the beautiful words and melodies, not the singer. As for the blog, I still don't know. It's something about the spirit's call to my heart: Sweet music of life -- To hear it! To share it! Maybe I fear that if I don't share it, I'll quit hearing it. And God knows I never want to quit hearing that beautiful sound!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Social dilemma
I've lived in the same town for 27 years. Why is it I still don't feel comfortable asking anyone to go places with me? Of course that's a rhetorical question. I know the answer is fear of rejection. I think it's based on experiences of being turned down, but it's also possible the fear has kept me from ever asking anyone.
So tonight I posted a general plea to my FaceBook friends, asking whether anyone would like to attend a big event with me this weekend. I'll even pay for their ticket! How desperate that must sound! I think it's actually progress for me, but as with so many things, I'm not sure. Time will tell.
An interesting related factor: My husband is NOT interested in attending this event, but he's very supportive of me going and having a good time. I'm grateful for that.
So tonight I posted a general plea to my FaceBook friends, asking whether anyone would like to attend a big event with me this weekend. I'll even pay for their ticket! How desperate that must sound! I think it's actually progress for me, but as with so many things, I'm not sure. Time will tell.
An interesting related factor: My husband is NOT interested in attending this event, but he's very supportive of me going and having a good time. I'm grateful for that.
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