What would you do if you knew? Part 3

What would I do if I knew ... ?

--Surrender. Not to the disease or the fear or the grief or despair but to the care of a loving and gracious God. This sometimes is a moment by moment process. I surrender then I take it back. I surrender, then I try to start fighting it again. Let go and let God. Let God fight it for me.

--Acceptance. The Serenity Prayer. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." I want to know everything -- the doctors, the medical details, the nurses, the Hospice team; how daddy and mom are experiencing everything. I want to be there. I want to help. I need to accept reality. Add to the Serenity Prayer an attitude of gratitude: gratefulness that Mom and Dad have family, extended family, church, friends and resources including medical care and hospice.

--I thought I would cry. There haven't been many tears yet. What seems to be happening is that I'm shutting that down. I think that may explain why some days I feel as if I'm in a fog. It seems I can't shut down the negative or sad feelings without affecting the full range of emotions.

I thought maybe when the Aggies lost to OSU yesterday in Aggieland that would trigger tears. No, not yet. It will be something more random, I guess. All that game did was mess with my mind. A win would have made me feel a simple kind of happiness. With a loss, my silly mind keeps going over what-ifs. What a waste of mental energy, but that's what happens. So I expend more mental/spiritual energy to tear my thoughts from that unchangeable and truly insignificant thing to subjects of substance. I rationalize and try to see what God is trying to teach me from my reaction to a game. And I still wish they had won. (See, I still haven't let go.)

--Smiles and gratitude. Still, so far, there are more smiles and more gratitude for blessings and less sadness and fewer tears than I would have expected. But there is growing tiredness, and with that comes greater vulnerability to unhealthy choices -- and also to the breakthrough of pent-up emotions. So, I'm back to where I started: praying to let go and let God, to trust Him to protect me from negativity, despair, fear or even too much tiredness, and to hold me in His loving arms and care.

Fine lines and fine-tuning

There's no law that says I have to get 8 hours of pillow time every night, but it's been a great goal during these weeks of transition to working until midnight most weekdays. It has had benefits, even though I've still seemed tired. But maybe it's time to let go. I was awakened at 8:30 a.m. Saturday by a wonderful call from my brother. I so enjoyed catching up with him. But what will I do about just 6 1/2 hours sleep, I wondered. The obvious answer seemed to be a nap later.

That's not how it turned out though. After errands and a meeting starting at noon, I ended up watching or listening to a lot of basketball on TV, online and on the radio. I was able to do some other things while following the games, but napping wasn't among those things. I shut off the radio after the last of the three teams I was following won about 10:30 p.m., which would not have seemed that bad, except I had agreed to sing at early church the next day, which meant the alarm was set for 6. That still shouldn't be too much of a problem, I thought. Eight hours is the goal. It's not a rigid requirement.

Again, so much for my thoughts. It was a restless night. It didn't seem like I slept at all, so at one point I seriously considered sending an e-mail to the person in charge of the music and saying I would call in the morning to confirm that I wouldn't be in for early church. That really seemed like the reasonable thing to do. It didn't seem like I'd gotten any rest at all, so I thought I would be miserable when the alarm finally went off. But somehow, I awoke feeling fairly rested and refreshed. I figured my energy would suddenly crash, but I made it through a full day without it happening. In the meantime, I heard a great sermon, sang wonderful hymns with the congregation and a wonderful anthem with the choir (the same song I did as a solo at early church), and experienced an invigorating Sunday school discussion and later a Bible study, along with lots of fellowship. I also did the Sunday usuals: buying groceries, washing some clothes, riding my exercise bike and a lot of reading, a little housecleaning and calling my Mom, among other things. And no nap.

So, now it's Monday of a busy week in which I'd like to fit in some extra activities. I haven't figured out this sleep/schedule thing. Because I have to be alert up until midnight for work and after that for the 30-minute drive home, it seems imperative to me to make sure I get enough sleep. I don't want to feel too tired to drive home. But rigidity is starting to feel unrealistic. But without rigidity, I get little done other than eat, sleep and work.

So, it seems as if I'm walking along a fine line of what works and what doesn't work. I'm tempted to think it needs fine-tuning. But at the same time, it seems like maybe it's working just fine.

I have no resolution to this right now, but for some reason I think writing about it will bring me closer to an answer.

Things I do know and cling to:
-- God is in charge. Great is God's faithfulness.
-- God knows what I need and is providing it.
-- Seek, trust and obey God.
-- Thank God.

Too tired to think, so I'll just say thanks

Psalmcat 51:1.29.11

I'm not where I'd like to be in adjusting to a schedule that has me working until midnight 4 out of 5 days each week, but I'm in a much better place mentally and physically than I expected to be at this point, at the end of the first month. The strongest feeling or sensation right now is sheer exhaustion of mind, body and spirit -- and so I won't be writing more than this summary.

I'm thankful for a relationship with and faith in a loving God who takes care of my every need, often through the words and actions of family members and friends, but also through the written and recorded words of people I'll never know. I'm increasingly able to find the inspiration or blessing in a moment and to let go of the frustration or negativity. Songs, Scriptures and sayings that to some people may seem trite come to hold dear meaning to me as I continue to experience their truths.

For me, the source of all things is God, and to Him belong all the glory, honor and praise. I continue to pray to live in a way that glorifies, honors and praises Him. I feel grateful and blessed to know that He answers that prayer because of His great love for me. Thank you, dear God.

Blog time, Memorial Day weekend edition

Tonight's writing is back to basics. There's only one reason for me to be sitting here typing right now, and it is because I made a commitment to myself, and I'm trying to follow through. The commitment/goal: Post something at least once a week, a goal later refined to mean don't go more than seven days (Saturday to Saturday, etc.) without posting.

There have been things I've wanted to write about (Relay for Life; joy of working hard; a fascinating Psalm passage; getting locked out of choir practice) before and since I posted last Saturday, but I've ended up being too tired by day's end to even try. It would have been nice to have one of those rare moments where words and inspiration just come, but that didn't happen.

I know most of the reason. For the past two weeks, two key people on the reduced staff at work have been gone, one for vacation and one for medical reasons. I haven't worked all that much longer these days, but the intensity has been high. By the time I get home, I feel mentally drained. Unfortunately, rather than go to bed when I feel tired, I'm more likely to lose focus and end up watching TV, surfing the Internet or reading when the very best way to spend my time would be with my body in bed and my head on a pillow.

Now it's Memorial Day weekend. I'm so far behind, I don't even know where to start in trying to catch up at home and then also to enjoy the holiday. I guess I've started by blogging. Tomorrow, I may watch the Texas Aggies play baseball here in the Big 12 tournament. I can't even justify in my own mind why that's worth doing, but I want to do it, and I can, so I think I will. (I think I'll take a book and some paper to write on, though, in case my mind starts wandering, I start second-guessing myself, and the ideas flow!)

For some reason, that made me realize the holiday also brings up some emotional issues, involving such things as my own lack of knowledge of history and my connection to it. It's one of those times when I think there are probably things I should be doing, but again, I don't even know where to begin.

Tonight, it starts with writing and posting. Before the weekend's over, it will include some precious time spent visiting my parents and other family members. Maybe there will be questions and conversations to stir memories. Or maybe there will just be the peace and comfort of shared presence and being away from the craziness of work for an extra day. I'm ready.