Milestones, reminders, placeholders -- and hope

Last Saturday was the second anniversary of That's the Spirit. I actually checked in October to see when I started it, knowing I was writing by November 2009, and thinking I would post something reflective for the anniversary. But even though I posted Nov. 4, the Nov. 5 anniversary wasn't on my mind. I didn't remember until my cousin Eric mentioned his blog's ninth anniversary earlier this week. Not that a blog anniversary is really anything worth mentioning. But those of you who have read along the way -- and especially those who have read from the beginning -- probably understand why it is worth mentioning for me. I hope and pray it is a tool and not a distraction. I believe that is true.

I had hoped the blog would evolve into sharp writing and clear observations by now. That hasn't happened. I accept that it is exactly what it is supposed to be today. I've stayed true to my original goals, and only once did I go eight days instead of seven without posting. Too many of these posts have been what I call placeholders, nothing more than checking in to say I met my deadline. But usually, even on those, I ended up putting together a word or two of hope and inspiration. And on those rare times when I did post something that seemed more worthwhile, I knew the act of checking in had played a part.

Technically, this is another placeholder. I have so many more important things I want and need to express. Part of me fears that the longer I wait the harder it will be. And another, hopefully stronger, part of me believes that when the time is right, I will write about those things. I am grateful for family, friends, Scripture, prayer and my relationship with Christ, all of which reassure me that where and who and how I am is blessed, even as I prayerfully strive to improve. God bless you all!

Blessings from expressing faith through love

This is one of those times when I have to ask myself: Is there really any value in honoring the self-imposed deadline to post something on my blog at least once every seven days? I have nothing compelling to express, and the only reason I am sitting here typing is because of the commitment I made to myself. I've made plenty of commitments to myself that I haven't kept, so why do I bother trying to keep this one, when I could be in bed instead? But here I am, trying to find something to write.

I thought something might develop around some of the things I've posted or read on Facebook or in devotionals this past week. And maybe it has ....

When it was time to return home after another very good weekend trip to see my parents and other family members, I found myself in new territory. I didn't want to leave. That's not the first time that's happened, but I really had trouble dealing with it. I just wanted to stay and be. And the thought of leaving made me want to cry. So I just sat there and stared out the window. And finally I did cry. But I was quickly reminded or given reason to wonder whether there was any value in crying. I tend to think there is value in letting the tears flow. But if everyone cried, nothing would get done, I suppose.

The dilemma I faced then and also after I returned home was trying to express positive thoughts and say positive things when I was really feeling very sad, tired, overwhelmed and confused. My husband has even more trouble dealing with my emotional outbursts than my mom does. After several attempts, I came up with this for my social and supportive network of Facebook: Let go and let God is so much easier for me to say than do! I've been trying to keep it positive -- about ready to give up. But what good would giving in to negativity do? None at all. It would do no good at all. And I think the response to expressing even that little bit of negativity -- but striving to find the hope -- helped. I slept better than I would have expected, and awoke much more hopeful than I expected.

One of my realizations was that for a person like me who has depressive tendencies, I must find ways to express the sadness, fear and other feelings that seem negative. It doesn't seem to work for me to just acknowledge them to myself and God and then put on a happy face. I'm a talker; I need someone to hear me, the happy as well as the sad. I need to identify and stay in close touch with those unconditional, supportive listeners. Not people who will let me sink into self-pity, but who will listen and offer bits of encouragement, affirmation or guidance that help so much.

One of today's Scripture references from my Upper Room devotional sums up where I want to be as I go forward: "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." (Galatians 5:6, NIV)

What would you do if you knew? Part 1

What would you do if you knew? The question has been on my mind a lot lately as I've contemplated my Dad's cancer prognosis and then 9/11 remembrances and now some news at work.

What would you do if you knew you had six months to live? A year? A day? A few hours? None of us really knows how long we have -- 9/11 and auto accidents and deadly storms are reminders of that.

A few years ago, such thoughts would depress me and make me want to just shut down, crawl back into bed or escape into a binge of overeating. Today, the thoughts still overwhelm me, until I release them to God's care.

Some of the answers He has provided, for today:
-- Be still and know that I am God.
-- Seek God. Trust God. Obey God. Praise God.
-- Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine! O what a foretaste of glory divine ... Angels descending, bring from above, echoes of mercy, whispers of love ... Perfect submission, all is at rest. I in my Savior am happy and blest ... filled with His goodness, lost in His love. This is my story ... praising my Savior all the day long.
-- This from today's Upper Room devotional: "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest" (Exodus 33:14,NIV).
-- Some people get choices and opportunities. Some don't. We all have the choice to live in such a way that we have no regrets. (Even having regrets is a choice.) Love. Make things right. Amends. If I can't make direct amends (I can't change the past) I might be able to make living amends by doing better today and in the future.

This is titled Part 1 because it really does just touch the surface. News today that the company I work for is being sold -- with promises that nothing will change -- is another reminder that life goes on and changes happen, and I cannot predict or control the future. Some of how I learned this latest news seemed to involve a direct lie of something I had been told earlier, but on closer examination, I see how they got around it. But it sure makes me wonder: Who can I trust?

Well, I can trust God. And I do trust my parents and my family and many many friends. Based on that foundation -- trust in God and love -- I pray to face whatever comes with grace, gratitude, strength, hope, love and compassion.

Savoring the Spirit of Aggieland -- and more

A quick wedding anniversary/football weekend trip to College Station and Texas A&M University brought many smiles, rekindled memories and renewed hope.

Few eras of my life are marked by vivid, precise, detailed memories, and that includes my college years. I can't think of any friendships that I made during college that have endured and grown. My strongest relationships I have tied to Aggieland are people I knew before I attended school there or that I met since I graduated.

Except for Gene. I grew up on a family farm just nine miles from Gene's family's farm, and our families attended the same church, but Gene and I, three years apart in age and attending different public schools, didn't meet until we were more than 200 miles from Cooke County at Texas A&M. We met near the end of my first semester, at a Cooke County hometown club party at the apartment complex where I lived. The next I remember of Gene was when he recognized me in the Geology classroom at the start of the spring semester. By the end of the semester, we were dating. And as best I recall, I guess we've been in a relationship ever since. I can't think of a time we ever broke up, which is really kind of amazing, because we are so different in many ways. (That's a whole other blog post -- or several.)

Even as we walked around campus before Midnight Yell Practice on Saturday and then before the game on Sunday, I'm sure we both were aware of our different styles. But something about that east-central Texas air and especially the sound of the Fighting Texas Aggie Band and a mass of Aggies doing tradition yells just pushed the differences aside and drew us together like twentysomethings.

Spending a few hours at the George Bush Presidential Library, with its prevalent themes of family, faith, service and integrity, fit right in with the spirit of the weekend.

We've been back home and now at work a couple of days, and I can see how easy it is to fall back into old patterns, partly because of work schedules but also just from our own set ways. I don't want that to happen. This can be different. This can still be fun. What can I do to make it happen? I know I'm supposed to live one day at a time, but I don't think it's too early to start planning for Sept. 4, 2012. What can I do today to make the 30th anniversary even better than the 29th (or the 25th -- celebrating at Alcatraz was especially memorable!)? I think it really does come down to how I live each day. In the rush of things, I don't always find quality time for Gene, even on the days when our schedules would allow it. I will work to improve that.

The decision to go to the A&M vs. SMU game, which happened to be on our anniversary, was made less than a week before we left. That's pretty spontaneous for us. Everything costs twice as much when you wait that late to commit. But I'm glad we did it. It reminded me of a few more of the blessings I sometimes take for granted -- and reminded me that the best ways to experience blessings and feel joy and gratitude are to share them. And of course, I must always do so in an attitude of humble gratitude and praise to God.

Psalms, prayers, songs, prisms and perspective

The past weekend provided more evidence of God's continuing presence and blessings.
-- Six adult siblings came together to watch a Texas Rangers baseball game last Saturday, but the breakfast the next morning with Mom and Dad and other extended family members was the highlight.
-- Daddy is not a singer (as far as I know), but he definitely appreciates music. One of his requests for the days ahead includes a song. It should be a doozy. This daughter of the Psalmist's son feels privileged and deeply touched.
-- There were more smiles than tears, but I am reminded that smiling through tears -- and the prisms this produces -- could become more frequent in days ahead. I've always thought prisms were beautiful. Their significance continues to increase.
-- Some things did not go as planned. On Friday, the day before six planned to leave from Arkansas, one of the two vehicles they planned to drive broke down. This presented challenges. The challenges were met with faith, hope and teamwork. Everyone made it to Texas, to the game and to the breakfast. And even when the other vehicle had problems before the return trip home, it was able to be fixed in time to make the trip. That involved lots of teamwork, too.
-- The Rangers didn't win, but everyone seemed to really enjoy the game anyway. And the ones who are big-time fans seemed to appreciate the fact that the game still could have been won in the final inning (bases were loaded in the bottom of the ninth) -- and since it was the only loss in a 3-game series against the division rival, it was still a winning weekend for the team. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who wondered why the next night's big win couldn't have come a day earlier. It's so much more fun to leave after winning than not winning. But it still was a great day.
-- There is so much more, but I've got to get to work, and there's another big weekend ahead. I hope to post again before "deadline" arrives, but we'll see about that.
-- Faith abounds. Hope abounds. Love and caring abound. We are family. We are blessed with friends and faith. Smile. Thank you, God.

Choices for such a time as this

In the face of a beloved one's dire prognosis:
I choose hope.
I choose gratitude.
I choose to walk by faith.
I choose to see the good.
I choose to let God lead me.
I choose to believe God has prepared me.
I choose Jesus.
I choose love.
I choose life.
I choose joy.

None of these choices will automatically make things easier. I believe they will make things better.

Despite all those positive choices, I'd be dishonest if I didn't admit to some fear and anxiety. I think of Job in the Bible. He seemed to choose the better way -- faith and trust in God -- and God still let Satan wreak all kinds of havoc in his life. There are other examples in the Bible in which it seems as if those who profess their faith are tested almost beyond their ability to stand. And the key word is: almost. I believe the Bible makes it clear that God will not allow more to come our way than we can face successfully if we stay true to Him, although I also believe sometimes how that all works out remains a mystery in this life on earth. Some of those holy mysteries remain in my life and those of loved ones.

What this is about is that my 85-year-old Dad recently received a new cancer diagnosis. Last year, he had a spot on his lung and had successful lung surgery. That was a long and sometimes difficult journey for Mom and Dad and the family, but I see much evidence that God was with us through it all, and that He worked it for good.

Now, Daddy has liver cancer. While last year's prognosis was good, this year's is much less so. The doctors say things such as "three to six months" -- the first part of that range is before Christmas! -- and that the end could be bad. Information is still being gathered. I'm hoping and praying for the best. And I'm grateful for continued opportunities to spend quality time with my parents and family, expressing and showing love and support.

Psalm 23 comes to mind: The Lord is my shepherd ... He leads us. He prepares us. He guards us. He goes with us. He sustains us.

I think that's been my overriding affirmation since first learning a week ago, Aug. 19, of what was causing Daddy's pain and what may lie ahead, which doctors seemed to confirm on Tuesday. In various communications with family and friends, including at church, God has given me a sense of hope and peace for which I can't even begin to adequately express thanks.

-- I think in my family's situation, God continues to bless us with opportunities to grow in love and faithfulness and grace and gratitude. Many people/families don't get that chance while the loved one is still with them. I pray to always be grateful.

-- Please join me in praying that God just uphold and sustain Daddy and Mom and all of us no matter what lies ahead, and that we appreciate each day He gives us and helps us to live to his glory and honor and service. Thank you so much for your love and prayers.

I think a lot of people know and live these things without having to write and share them. But for me, writing and sharing helps me know, remember and be accountable. As with singing, I write and share in what feels like faithful service to God and as an offering of praise.

5 good things

I'm still in what I hope is just a summer slump. I know the answer is just to get busy, put one foot in front of the other; take one step and then another.  But something is blocking me.  

I'm praying for willingness and faith to know and do what God would have me do, to His glory. But the results still seem nil. 

My daily reading from the United Methodist Upper Room offered this suggestion: Make a list of five good things God has done in your life recently. 

Why does even this seem hard? Everything God does in my life is good. He does so much. And I guess I take a lot of it for granted. Plus, right now, there's the issue of thinking He could do so much more in my life if I didn't get in His way. 

Five good things ...
--He's given me encouraging words to share at church, in my family, at work and in other interactions.  Yes, even in my "meantime," I think most of my negativity is focused inward so I can still see and express much that is good. 
--He's given me faith not to give up even as I struggle. 
--He's given me awareness that keeps me from overeating when I'm frustrated or in a slump. (That would only make things worse for me.)
--He's faithful every day.  Great is God's faithfulness:  morning by morning, day by day, new mercies I see. 
--He continues to bless me with His love and the love of family and friends. 

Sigh. That didn't work either! Or so it seems. 

Words of encouragement I've received this weekend: 
--God loves us just as we are. We don't have to earn His love. He knows our needs, our hurts, our dreams, our frustrations and our passions. He knows our hearts. 
--"Whispering Hope." It's the song I'm working on for next weekend. The words provide comfort, guidance and, yes, hope. May I take them to heart. 

And, yes, I am still avoiding the real issues. Maybe next time. Sigh. 

OK, another powerful suggestion just came to mind, this one from today's anthem: "O sinners, let's go down, down to the river to pray." Before and after the anthem, I was thinking I needed to spend some time in prayer. Not at the river, but maybe the altar. And then I got caught up in talking with people after church and didn't take that time. But there's no reason I can spend some time on my knees now.

The Time? Now!

Why does it always take a seemingly worse situation to help me appreciate what I had?

After a pity party that I hope is now over, I'm back in action. No excuses. Just do it.

I've written about it before. The work schedule seems to get worse and worse, but in the honest analysis, for today, it's still a good job, and I can do what's asked of me. Yes, I squandered some opportunities for spending the off hours of the "better schedule" productively. But stewing over that is pointless and decreases the chance for future productivity.

So, today I walked. I'm blogging. I've checked off from my list a number of things large and small that as recently yesterday it seemed like I would delay just out of self-pity. And who would that have helped?

God is surely showing me again, so many things:
-- No matter how many opportunities I squander, He doesn't give up on me. He gives me another chance.
-- What looks bad to me (a schedule, etc.) usually isn't as bad as I think.
-- What looks bad to me often holds an opportunity for blessing if I will just keep my focus on God.
-- In all things, focus on God's will and give honor, glory and praise to Him.

Thank you, God.

Blowing in the wind

I want to stop and write, but the winds of life keep blowing distractions my way. Tornadoes, too close for comfort even when they don't directly touch me. Chaotic work schedules that are stressing me out more than I think they should. Sports teams (Dallas Mavericks, Texas Aggies baseball and softball, the Texas Rangers) I enjoy following making some great runs, which I like, but then I want to watch the games and catch the stories surrounding them, and I really don't have time -- especially since the schedule has me so far out of a routine.

I feel as if I've been blown off course, and I'm having trouble getting back on track. Things that usually really pick me up, such as visiting my parents and going to church with them; spending time in Texas with other family members, too; teams that look like they are down for the count coming through with big wins -- give a very fleeting pleasure, almost overridden by tiredness and a sense of ... what? Is it so what? Or, maybe, what now?

I just know I've had a great couple of days, and it seems unacceptable to let anything take away from that. I want to focus on the bright realities, the joyous and fun and intimate moments -- and not get caught up in speculation or anxiety about a potentially chaotic future. (The future also has the potential to unfold wonderfully, especially if I get out of the way and let it!)


So, earlier this very windy Memorial Day weekend Sunday in north Texas, my husband put up an ornamental, 8-foot-tall windmill at my parents' house. After days and weeks that have included too much wind and too many storms, I can't help but wonder if the structure stands a chance. But there's something hopeful and courageous -- maybe even stubborn -- about defying the wind's damaging threats.

Making every day holy

It's Maundy Thursday, the day of Holy Week on which many Christians recall Christ's last supper with His disciples before His crucifixion (Luke 22:7-20 and beyond, or read accounts in any of the Gospels). Biblical accounts of the events of that Passover festival night also included Jesus washing His disciples' feet (John 13:1-17), something that was particularly difficult for Simon Peter to comprehend.

Because of my work schedule (and lack of better priorities, perhaps?), I won't be able to attend the Maundy Thursday observance recalling the Last Supper tonight at my church. Over the years, the service seems to have grown in significance for me and others in the church. I will miss being there tonight.

But knowing in advance that I wouldn't be able to attend this service or the Good Friday service tomorrow set me to praying and thinking about how to remember and reflect anyway. On a week that includes that 16th anniversary of the Murrah Building bombing in Oklahoma City and the traditional Aggie Muster that also is a time of remembrance of fallen comrades, and this following the 14th anniversary of the death of a precious 5-year-old son of the psalmist's son on Sunday, there is much evidence that people have followed Jesus' commands to "go and do likewise" and also to "do this in remembrance of me." As we recall painful and tragic times, we see people act in love and service as they hold onto the hope that came from a loving Savior who was willing to die on the cross for our sins.

I've struggled some with wondering about my priorities, why I'll take a day off work for a concert next Thursday but not for Holy Week church services tonight or tomorrow. God seems to be giving me some clear answers for this year. I think the most important one right now is to look for and be a part of the holy wherever I am, including at work. The hope of doing so, for me, is only possible because of the love and sacrifice of God through His Son, Jesus Christ. And then there's the realization that sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder. A break from the traditional observances causes me to become more aware of how much they mean to me -- and also to think of how their significance goes beyond the rituals of those observances.

So, I pray to remember -- and to live to the glory of the crucified and resurrected Christ today and always.

(I tried to attach my video for the first verse of "Communion Song" by Sonny Salsbury but can't get it to show up. I may try again later.)

Looking for meaning -- a revelation

I'm at the self-imposed blog deadline, and I'm pretty sure no words are ready to post. But I will post anyway. It's a pain-free and cost-free way to buy time. There are so many things I want to write about. I've collected bits here and there from my journal and from comments on Facebook and other correspondence and reading. But I need some time to sit with those thoughts so I can discover what they might mean or what lessons they might hold.


Last week was as busy, challenging and stressful as I thought it might be. And with much prayer and support from family and friends, it may have gone better than any such week I've ever had. There were so many answered prayers. And to have an answered prayer, that means there was first a prayer. With God, all things are possible. I posted that on Facebook as a reminder to myself, and it was a reminder I needed. One way I help make sure I'm with God is through prayer. Another is through Bible reading and study.


There are many things I don't know tonight, including how to deal with some of the issues that have distracted and frustrated me for years involving my habits, attitudes, choices and inability to get certain things accomplished, from getting rid of my clutter to catching up with those friends I vowed months ago to reconnect with.


But this I do know: With God, all things are possible. I believe that God sent His son to die for me, and that His sacrifice atones for my sins and shortcomings. I see daily evidence of that saving grace and transformative love in my life and the lives of others. It fills me with hope and gratitude. And maybe this is my revelation for tonight -- that it's no good if that hope and gratitude just fills me with satisfaction and good feelings. In fact, the good feelings won't last unless I share what God has given. And I can't wait for it to overflow. (I think I was waiting for it to overflow.) I've been taking steps to share it. I will take another tomorrow. That is my prayer, always with the desire that it be to the glory of God.

What it takes

Psalmcat 52:3.14.11

During two weeks of what seemed like futile efforts in battling a cold, sinus congestion, allergies or whatever, I sometimes found myself wondering: What's it going to take to get over this?

Well, I finally feel better, and a few thoughts come to mind.

Time. This was probably the most crucial thing. Lots of experts say this, but people including myself often don't accept it. I drive myself nuts trying to find the right combination of rest, food, over-the-counter drugs and wondering whether I should go to the doctor or just let it run its course. I did the best I could with those things, but I think it was the passage of time that contributed the most to healing.

Hope. Many, many mornings, afternoons, evenings and nights I found myself thinking I was feeling better. I was so determined to keep a good attitude. And I think that does help in the long run, even though it also may have hurt in some short terms, as I kept heading on to work ("I don't feel THAT bad") instead of staying home to rest the fourth and fifth days. Instead, I waited until the weekend, and I ended up spending three days in bed. In those days, hope dimmed noticeably, but it didn't fade away. And now what I had hoped for has come to fruition.

Rest. I always know this is essential, but I try so hard to work in the adequate rest for healing while still being able to go to work. Maybe this time I will learn. On Thursday at work, I was sure I shouldn't be there, but I didn't go home. The next day, I thought I felt better and went back to work. And within a couple of hours, I knew I shouldn't be there again, but I still kept working. That's what led to a Saturday through Monday in bed. And I think that was essential to eventually getting better. And I also think I might have gotten better sooner if I'd stayed home in bed sooner.

Water. I typically drink a lot of water, but when it comes to clearing this congestion up, I needed to drink even more. And now that I'm better, I need to keep drinking plenty of water. I'm reminded of this when I feel little residual sensations in my nose or throat. (Time for a gulp now!)

Encouragement. I feel like a wimp when I'm sick, and I'd prefer people not even know. I don't want to draw pity. But I cannot discount the healing power of the prayers and encouraging words and support and unconditional love of family and friends when I'm honest about what's going on with me.

Prayer. Pray without ceasing, in the good times and the bad, even when answers don't seem forthcoming. And of course, I couldn't just pray for myself. All that time in bed, much of it unable to sleep, gave me many opportunities to lift up family, friends and concerns at large to the care of the Almighty God.

Faith. Between my Disciple Bible Study readings and my daily readings from Beth Moore's "Praying God's Word Day by Day," I've been reminded of an element of answered prayer that I'm not sure I'd ever even realized. As Beth put it on March 1 (day 2 of my misery), "Whether or not we like the concept, Christ loves to respond to us according to our faith." And then she included examples in the Gospels where people expressed their faith before they were healed. As Beth says, "Lord, I want to be like the one to whom You said, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.' (Matt. 15:28) Flourish this kind of faith in me, God!"

As usual, there are more things I could add, but I'm out of time. I'm just grateful and relieved to finally feel better. I continue to praise and thank God for His many blessings, including the love, support and encouragement of so many people in my life.

Cold facts

I finally accepted that what I was experiencing was a cold when I realized its effect on the common-sense part of my brain: It froze!!!!!

I struggle with decisionmaking in many areas of my life, but one of the biggest struggles is in the area of sickness. The good news is that I'm not sick very much (thank you, God, and praying for continued health!). The bad news is that when symptoms start to appear, I don't seem to respond very well. The problem with my response typically isn't that I overreact and hibernate. Instead, I tend to discount the symptoms and rationalize that I'm not really sick. I self-analyze my symptoms and their onset, and I come up with what seems like a logical conclusion to me that it's probably just drainage resulting from pollen, that I'm not contagious, and I might as well go to work anyway. By the time I can't deny I was really sick, some of the gunk from the drainage has settled into my upper chest, and I feel worse than ever, with a nasty cough, runny nose, watery eyes, congestion, sore throat but somehow not much of a headache or other pain.

This time, the first symptoms showed up on Sunday, as I was unexpectedly very tired as I prepared to drive home from a weekend trip to Arkansas. But being tired made sense after a busy weekend, so I didn't think much of it. And even when I started to have a runny nose and drainage the next day, I truly thought it was sinuses or allergies, not a cold. I didn't have a cold or a fever. I didn't feel that bad. I might as well work. So I worked Monday. And Tuesday. By Wednesday, I was glad it was a short workday, thinking that if I skipped choir practice, I'd probably feel fine by Thursday. So, I'm not sure what happened Thursday morning, but looking back, I can tell that by then the common sense part of my brain had frozen. Because even though I obviously wasn't getting any better, I rationalized that I might be, and that I didn't want to leave people in a bind at work. And I didn't feel THAT bad, did I? By time I left work, I was pretty sure I felt pretty bad! But when Friday came, for some reason I decided I should work again. Same thought: I don't want to leave them in a bind. And even though midway through the 10-hour shift I knew I'd made a mistake in coming to work, I didn't leave, even as I could see they would have been OK without me.

So I reached the weekend hoping that by staying in bed except to eat and medicate on Saturday would turn the corner for me, so I'd be able to go to church. But I was wrong again. By Sunday morning, I could tell I didn't feel enough better to have any business going to church. So I'm still at the house. I hoped I might feel better by 4, so I might shower and go to my Bible study anyway. But I don't think that's happening, either.

So many issues. Among them ....

-- Why don't I go to a doctor? Because whenever I have gone, it hasn't seemed to help. Or that's how it seems from experience. But in this case, it occurs to me now that I probably should have gone when I wasn't better by Thursday. Now, however, I think I'm on the getting-better side, so I don't think I need to go. (Will I NEVER LEARN!!!!)

-- I have a good work ethic, and I'm proud of that. I don't miss work without a good reason, and I try to give reasonable notice. But there's a warp in my ethic when it comes to sickness, apparently. I don't want to leave people in a bind. I don't want to be a wimp. And I just never have a good feel for whether I really am sick.

-- Work is not my God, but when I look at the past week, I don't like the pattern I see about what I attended to every day (work) and the many things I let go, including recovery meetings, church, choir practice, Bible study, exercise and routine chores. My rationale is that everyone else has to fill in the gap at work if I'm gone, and church and everything else seems to go on fine without me, and that I'm the only one who suffers.

In hopes that this won't have been a wasted week, I'm trying to find some lessons in the experience. What is that line for me when I should recognize that I'm really sick and should stay home? How do I know when it's time to go to the doctor? What's the deal with my warped sense of priority toward not missing work? And where do I go from here? I feel some better, and think I'll be good tomorrow (hope springs eternal!!!!), but how will I ever catch up from getting so behind on everything except work?

I don't have answers right now, but this stuff (thoughts, not just the drainage) has been going on in my head all week, and it continues to be helpful to write it down. It's also crucial that I continue to pray and trust in God. Even in what seems like a wasted week, I can't forget to pray to know and do God's will, to His glory. I have to admit I think I did forget to pray along the way some. There is always so much to be grateful for. Writing about it, including the parts where I'm a bit embarrassed about how I deal with things -- and being able to put it out there for anyone who wants to read it -- keeps me moving forward. May I remain hopeful, grateful and faithful.

More of the same (and that's good!)

Psalmcat 51:2.12.11

This past week was filled with gifts of grace. Following a week in which I was so aware of how my best and most hope-filled plans seemed to get thrown off course, I experienced several days in which things that looked like negatives all ended up with positive results. And, of course, that's what also happened to those plans the previous week that seemed to be derailed.

Among the most recent examples:

-- Despite my best efforts not to care, I still struggle very much with wanting to be recognized for my diligent efforts as a copy editor in catching mistakes and keeping them out of the newspaper. But every month, no matter how many "catches" I enter in the newsroom contest (for January, it was more than 15, including misspelled or wrong names; wrong or missing dates; and factual errors) and no matter how good I think they are, someone else wins, usually for a single catch. I try not to let it bother me, but every month, my humanity gets in the way, and it does bother me. But this month, something unexpected happened. No, I didn't win for my "catches," but I won for a headline I wrote. It's ironic, because I don't consider headline writing one of my strengths at all. But when it comes to that monthly contest, I've probably been recognized more for my headlines than my editing. (Adding to the irony, I would not have been able to enter my winning headline, "Wave of expansions buoys Port of Catoosa," had another copy editor not caught that I originally wrote "bouyed.") I definitely heard God laughing in all of this and also trying to get me to learn a lesson in humility.

-- As each day passed since my crown prep work, and after returning to the dentist twice to have the temporary put back on, my doubts grew that the temporary would make it until my Feb. 21 appointment to have the permanent crown put on. So, in God's perfect timing, as I was somewhat dreadfully preparing to work into the night of impending snowfall on Tuesday and immediately after I had read that I didn't win for my catches and did win for a headline, the inside of my temporary crown crumbled!!!!!!! The other times, the whole thing came off, but this time, the inside crumbled into small pieces, and the outside stayed in place, although I could tell it was loose. Aaaagggghhhh!!!!!! I did not want to go back to the dentist, and since it was after 4 p.m., I decided I would wait until Wednesday to even call. As it turned out, the snow did come. I would have been able to make it to work for my four-hour shift on Wednesday, but instead I was able to get an appointment to take care of my tooth problem. And while there, I received totally unexpected good news: The permanent crown had come in early, so they were able to put it on!!!! After a tooth saga that had begun with crown prep work and 2 fillings on a snowy morning in mid-January, this was great news. So, the bad news of the temp crown crumbling turned into the good news of getting the permanent crown early. Maybe I'll be done with that for a while.

-- When snow and ice are in the forecast, it's hard for me not to fill with dread.
My place of employment stays open even when the weather is bad. When there's work to be done and I'm scheduled, I want to be there. But I live 25 miles from the office, so it's not always possible. So, I watch the forecasts and try to pack my car and an overnight bag appropriately and give it my best shot to get to work. The previous week, I was glad to be told to stay home on the worst day (even though I had to take personal leave time). This time, I could have made it to work, but I knew from the work plan of the previous day that enough people would be there to get the job done. Then, when the dentist's office was able to get me in, that made the decision to not go to work for my 4-hour shift even easier. (And since I didn't go to work, and my husband also was off because of the snow, we had an early Valentine's, going out to eat and then renting two DVD movies to watch.) So, two weeks in a row now, I've experienced silver linings among the snow and ice of winter weather. And because of my crazy schedule, I was able to miss just the four-hour shift each week, working the other 36 hours of my week the other four days.


Among the lessons learned (again?):
-- God knows exactly what each person, including me, needs, and He gives each person exactly what that person needs. But it's up to the person to accept what God gives. God doesn't force His gifts upon us. And sometimes the gifts are disguised.
-- God works all things for good.
-- God has a sense of humor. I might as well enjoy it and share it.

Making God laugh

Psalmcat 51:2.5.11

I hope it's a sign of spiritual maturity and not immaturity or senility that I'm learning to laugh with God when He laughs at me after I make plans.

It seems I've found myself making plans several times since the start of this year, trying to become more organized and efficient. It even seems like I'm making my plans prayerfully, seeking God's greater good and not just my own selfish desires. But it also seems that every time, something unexpected has come along to shift my priorities from what I had planned. Layoffs (not me, fortunately, but they affected me), dental work, winter storms, even my parents' health to some extent have thrown me off my attempt to get "on track."

But the continuing refrain is that it is OK. God is great, I am blessed, and life is good. I laugh to myself as I write that, thinking of how cliche it sounds. And some days when I write those words in my journal or online, I have to check myself. Do I really believe that? Will I believe that if my health fails, I lose my job or my parents, or some tragedy befalls? Some day those things will occur, and I believe that the little detours God allows to get in my way are helping prepare me. I also know there were times in my life when these kinds of "little" detours immobilized me -- mentally, and sometimes even physically. It may seem cliche or trite, but the fact is, for me, since I've become more faithful in praying, reading the Bible, looking to God, looking for the good and being thankful in all things, my outlook has changed. I can find the good. I see the blessings. It didn't happen overnight. In fact, it has taken many, many years, and I'm pretty sure the journey is far from over. Some days are still a struggle. But hopelessness is gone, gone, gone.
What a joy!

It is a joy that, for today, when God seems to laugh at my plans, I can laugh, too, and be thankful. He is so good, and my heart rejoices.

Ready for action!

It's 2011, and I'm ready for action. Or, at least I'm ready to offer some good action verbs:

Live. Love. Laugh. Learn.
Pray. Praise. Play. Persevere.
Rest. Rejuvenate. Read. Rejoice. Remember. Realize.
Give. Grow.
Exercise. Excise (excess). Enlighten. Enjoy.
Abide. Abstain. Appreciate. Adore. Accept.
Care. Cooperate. Celebrate. Cook. Clean. Create.
Beautify. Be. Bless.
Dance. Delight. Dine. Decide.
Forgive. Free. Face. Feel.
Help. Hug. Hope.
Illuminate. Illustrate. Inspire.
Jump. Juggle. Justify, Judge (fairly).
Keep. Kindle.
Move. Make.
Open. Optimize.
Qualify. Quantify. Question.
Share. Sing. Sigh. Simply.
Touch. Tell. Think. Travel.
Unite. Unify. Understand.
Verify.
Write. Work.
Yearn.

I toyed with putting this in alphabetical order, but the missing letters would stand out more, and the ones that came to mind first wouldn't be at the top. This is in no particular order, but there is something about the order that I do like. The words inspire me. May I embrace them and live to God's glory.

Through it all: Sweet music of life

As 2010 winds down, I feel compelled to write again about two events from this past year. They stand out above the rest as evidence that even in the toughest times, the sweet music of life can be heard and shared.

The first is so bitter I hate to even write about it. On Jan. 5, as I was preparing to meet my brother in Weatherford to watch his daughter play basketball with her college team from Arkansas, I got a call from my mom saying Mike wouldn't be coming to Oklahoma. When I asked why, the news was stunning: My uncle Joe, who lived near Mike and his family in Arkansas, had been found dead that morning. Circumstances were tragic and unsettling and to this day seem incomprehensible. But as has happened every time my Mom or my Dad or anyone in their families have faced dire situations, close and extended family and friends rallied together in faith and fellowship to get through it. Some relationships seemed to grow stronger and become more treasured with the stark reminder of just how precious and fragile life is. In no way, shape or form did any of the positive outcomes make up for the loss and heartache. But I think a powerful lesson of life and faith is that even in the worst of times, we have choices. Even in the face of my uncle's irreversible choice that seemed to be born of hopelessness, survivors chose to find hope and forgiveness and precious memories and the faithfulness of God.

The second development began in mid-August. When my Dad, a longtime (but by then ex-) smoker who also has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) and emphysema, decided it was time for a chest x-ray, a small spot was found on a lung. Thus began a series of doctor's visits and tests and evaluations; a cancer diagnosis; indecision and decisions -- and eventually surgery on Oct. 5. After initially amazing results and recovery and then some setbacks and discouragement, he left the final hospital Nov. 24, the day before Thanksgiving.

I've written many words about this as Dad and Mom and the family went through the decisions and the results of those decisions. Many of those words are in past blog posts. Tonight, I'm just trying to feel and put into words some of my love and joy and gratitude for God and my parents and my family and friends. And words still come up woefully short. How do you convey through written words a smile, a hug and the warm pulse of a beating heart? Close your eyes, and maybe you'll see and feel it.

At least on the surface, many things continue to look bleak as I prepare to turn the calendar page. There are loved ones in poor health or without jobs. Some aspects of our culture, the economy and world are frightening. We're all getting older ....

But the year that's ending teaches me not to be afraid -- or at least to not stay afraid. It's OK to feel moments of sadness, discouragement, grief, frustration, anger and fear. But I need not let them paralyze me. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. ... He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. ... Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever" (Psalm 23).

Even when I recite the 23rd Psalm in my head, I hear music -- the sweet music of life that flows from faith, family, friendship and spirit. May I never cease to seek it and share it -- and give the glory to God.

Like coal in my stocking

Well, the good news is I still have a job. The not-so-thrilling news is that starting Jan. 3, I'll be working until midnight most days. I learned this the week of Christmas, and it seemed kinda like getting a lump of coal rather than a desirable gift in my stocking.

I typically don't deal with change very well, and that's the case again. I try to keep planning and hoping for the best. I see opportunities to make a fresh start on sleep patterns, exercise, eating and use of my nonwork time. But then my stomach weighs in, and I know I'm very, very unsettled. More than my hours are changing, but I don't yet know what the other aspects will involve.

Several times I've convinced myself I see more positives than negatives -- helped largely by amazing support from my husband, who has expressed willingness to make adjustments, too. The fact that, at least for the first month, I'm scheduled so that I can take off in time to attend choir practice on Wednesdays is another plus. But I don't see me getting up at 6 a.m. Wednesdays for the Seeking Hour that has become such an important part of my weekly routine.

For now, the uncertainty is the worst part. Even as I hope and plan for the best, I'm also trying to be prepared for the worst. What if I don't adjust? What if I can't sleep? What if I start overeating again? What if I don't like the changes in what I actually do at work? What if ...? What if ...?

So far, for every negative "what if ...," I've been able to eventually shift my mind -- at least temporarily -- to a positive thought. (I still haven't convinced my stomach.) Scripture reminds me it's a waste of time to worry about tomorrow. I cling to that and the message of Christmas, that God is with me. I also can't shake the thought that even a lump of coal can be put to productive use.

I hope that by dispatching this bit of possibly negative reality, I'll be able to sit down tomorrow or Friday and write a more upbeat assessment of the year that's ending and what may await in the coming year.

September reprise

I don't really have time, but I have desire, and so I will take a few moments to write about some of the things last Saturday that helped me get out of a rut.

It started with writing about it, and praying as I wrote. But after taking time to write, I was running late on getting to a meeting, and I knew I had to buy gas on the way. A fairly long-lost thought of just not going revisited, but fortunately I was able to put it aside, get dressed and head on my way, grateful to remember that for the meeting I was headed to, "better later than never" is more than a cliche. In my car, I saw my cell phone, which I had left there overnight. I noticed I had a voice message and was delighted to hear it was from my goddaughter Angela, who had just gotten a new white bunny. She'd called on their way home, and when I called her back, she'd just gotten home. So after sharing a few words of excitement, I promised to call back Sunday and find out more about her new pet. The day was clearly getting better.

The meeting was well under way when I got there. It's a meeting that studies what is known as the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous. We read a woman's account of what she was like, what happened, and what it's like now; basically, it was about how she got out of the rut. It mentioned that the book doesn't include chapters on "Into Thinking" or "Into Feeling," but it does have one on "Into Action." I needed to read that. It really spoke to me since I'd already realized from my writing that, eventually, the way out a rut is to take new action. It's OK to rest a while, but eventually you have to act. Not only trust and have faith, but put faith into action with obedience.

After the meeting, I went to the Wildlife Expo, mainly because my mom suggested that, "Of course you should go, to support Gene," who is heavily involved in the three-day event put on by his employer. It turned out that it was helpful for him that I got there when I did. I think he was surprised to see me, but glad. About the time my help was no longer needed and I was faced with wandering around the Expo by myself, wondering why I never find someone to come with me (it's clearly an event to enjoy with kids, grandkids or at least friends), a kindred spirit arrived who also would have ended up just wandering around by herself while her son worked at Gene's booth. So, Patty, whom I know from when her family attended our church, as well as from their continued involvement with Gene and his bass club, walked around together, observing the people and catching up on each other's lives, families and friends. It was very, very good.

When I got into my car to leave, I turned on the radio and the Texas Rangers game was on (of course I knew I was missing it while I was at the Expo). This was a day they could clinch the American League West pennant with a win. I think they were ahead when I turned it on, then they got behind, then they got ahead again, many of the lead changes coming on the most unlikely of plays. They finally won the game right as I arrived home. So, all I could watch was the celebration and highlights. It seems that happens a lot: Teams I like play better (or at least have better results) when I don't take the time to watch them. But I enjoy watching. I do think there's a lesson for me if I'd just learn it. (It's tied to something shared at the recovery meeting earlier in the day, about priorities and what's important and doing the right thing. I KNOW that watching ballgames on TV is not the priority or right thing when other things beckon, but it sure seems to be my first choice a lot of times, especially at the end of a long workday or a Saturday when I just want to hang out at the house.)

For some reason, after that, I cooked supper, something I'm doing more often but still not a lot. Gene appreciated that when he got home.

I think the bottom line of all this is something I realized at the meeting and also wrote about previously: The unfolding of the day confirmed that eventually, the way out a rut is to take new action. It's OK to rest a while, but eventually you have to act. Not only trust and have faith, but put faith into action with obedience.

(I started this Wednesday or Thursday night, when it was still September and I really didn't have time but I had desire. Before I finished, though, the desire left, too. This morning, when I read over what I had started, I decided I needed to finish it and post it, even if it's rough and rambling.)

Words worth remembering and sharing

I wanted to post the words to a song ("Mizpah") and a prayer ("The Serenity Prayer") shared at the recent memorial service for a dear friend, Charles Robert "Chuck" Collins. My impression of Chuck was that he lived these words. That gives me hope that others, including myself, can also live these words .....

"Mizpah" by Byron Walls
May your love flow like a fountain. May your days be free of doubt. May your life become as effortless as breathing in and out. May you always complete what you begin. May you never have so much that you're a slave to what you own. May you always have the wisdom to leave well enough alone.
May your always wake up cheerful and give thanks for every day; know the love that you receive comes from the love you give away. May your faith be a cushion when you fall. May you know you always manifest whatever's in your mind. And if good is what you're looking for, then good is what you'll find.
When dark clouds close around you, may you feel God's light (love) surround you when you pray. When you need someone to guide you, may you know God walks beside you all the way.

The Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference: living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.