Little annoyances were starting to accumulate, and I had started to compose a blog post:
Negativity, get thee away from me!
I'm wrestling with some less than positive feelings. Among them:
RESENTMENT
-- about some issues with choir and singing at church. I resent that I have to make a special trip to church to practice if I want/need to sing with a cd. It's not my fault the pianist isn't available! No willing spirit avoids challenges, it seems. I know God is going to take away the negative feelings and show me His will and glory. It hasn't happened yet.
-- about my hair and hairstylist. Something is not working with my hair, and we are somewhat at odds as to the solution. He tells me not to snip those parts that won't behave as they grow out. I won't leave them alone.
A BUNCH OF STUFF I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CATEGORIZE
-- Feelings about work. Frustration? Being overwhelmed? These don't feel like resentment. I just know I like my job and what I do, but that some of the circumstances feel impossible. I guess fear is the feeling. If things doen't change or get better, I fear it will become unbearable. And then what?
-- Health issues. Will these allergies/sinus/congestion symptoms ever go away? It seems like everyone at church yesterday was dealing with them. This morning, I just wanted to crawl back into bed, and did for about five minutes. And that was after 9 hours of regular pillow time!
-- Nutrition issues. I read an article about aspartame that was pretty scary for someone who consumes as much as I do. I admit I use artificial sweeteners to help me deal with stress of work, etc., without getting into the problems that sugar causes me. But as with everything, I go way overboard. And this particular report included the part that I just can't ignore: Some of this stuff hasn't been proven to be bad, but it also hasn't been proven not to cause the problems some allege. Do I want to be safe or sorry?
-- Various things feeling like frustration; could there be some anger? (that's a hard one for me to admit, and I still don't right now); and nonclinical depression.
And then, finally, I sat down to give my focus and thoughts to God. I don't really even know why I'm surprised by the results. But once again, I am amazed and grateful.
Among the things I read:
-- "Make friends with the problems in your life." Remember that God is sovereign over them. God can fit everything into a pattern for good, but only to the extent that I trust Him. Thank God even for problems. (Excerpts and reflections from "Jesus Calling," Romans 8:28)
-- "When troubles seem overwhelming, it's a great time to pull out the prayer warrior's secret: praise. As you focus on God's goodness and greatness, everything seems to fall into place." Part of what's interesting about this one, from "A Praying Heart," a daily journal I got for Christmas, is that this was the reading for March 3, but I skipped a page without realizing it, so I read March 5-6 on Saturday and Sunday, and so I was catching up today. And these words were exactly what I needed today. In the journal, I wrote that I didn't really feel like praising, but that I would anyway. I started singing "I love You, Lord, and I lift my voice, to worship You ... (may my worship and praise be a sweet sound to You, Lord), "Holy! Holy! Holy! Lord God Almighty ...," then others, ending with "Great Is Thy Faithfulness." And the corner was turned. The Scripture is Revelation 19:5 - "From the throne came a voice saying, 'Praise our God, all you His servants, and all who fear Him, small and great.'"
Great is God's faithfulness. May I never, ever forget to seek Him and to trust Him and to thank Him and to give him all the honor, glory and praise, in all things, good and bad, large and small as these things today were.
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Monday, March 5, 2012
Monday, April 11, 2011
Looking for meaning -- a revelation
I'm at the self-imposed blog deadline, and I'm pretty sure no words are ready to post. But I will post anyway. It's a pain-free and cost-free way to buy time. There are so many things I want to write about. I've collected bits here and there from my journal and from comments on Facebook and other correspondence and reading. But I need some time to sit with those thoughts so I can discover what they might mean or what lessons they might hold.
Last week was as busy, challenging and stressful as I thought it might be. And with much prayer and support from family and friends, it may have gone better than any such week I've ever had. There were so many answered prayers. And to have an answered prayer, that means there was first a prayer. With God, all things are possible. I posted that on Facebook as a reminder to myself, and it was a reminder I needed. One way I help make sure I'm with God is through prayer. Another is through Bible reading and study.
There are many things I don't know tonight, including how to deal with some of the issues that have distracted and frustrated me for years involving my habits, attitudes, choices and inability to get certain things accomplished, from getting rid of my clutter to catching up with those friends I vowed months ago to reconnect with.
But this I do know: With God, all things are possible. I believe that God sent His son to die for me, and that His sacrifice atones for my sins and shortcomings. I see daily evidence of that saving grace and transformative love in my life and the lives of others. It fills me with hope and gratitude. And maybe this is my revelation for tonight -- that it's no good if that hope and gratitude just fills me with satisfaction and good feelings. In fact, the good feelings won't last unless I share what God has given. And I can't wait for it to overflow. (I think I was waiting for it to overflow.) I've been taking steps to share it. I will take another tomorrow. That is my prayer, always with the desire that it be to the glory of God.
Last week was as busy, challenging and stressful as I thought it might be. And with much prayer and support from family and friends, it may have gone better than any such week I've ever had. There were so many answered prayers. And to have an answered prayer, that means there was first a prayer. With God, all things are possible. I posted that on Facebook as a reminder to myself, and it was a reminder I needed. One way I help make sure I'm with God is through prayer. Another is through Bible reading and study.
There are many things I don't know tonight, including how to deal with some of the issues that have distracted and frustrated me for years involving my habits, attitudes, choices and inability to get certain things accomplished, from getting rid of my clutter to catching up with those friends I vowed months ago to reconnect with.
But this I do know: With God, all things are possible. I believe that God sent His son to die for me, and that His sacrifice atones for my sins and shortcomings. I see daily evidence of that saving grace and transformative love in my life and the lives of others. It fills me with hope and gratitude. And maybe this is my revelation for tonight -- that it's no good if that hope and gratitude just fills me with satisfaction and good feelings. In fact, the good feelings won't last unless I share what God has given. And I can't wait for it to overflow. (I think I was waiting for it to overflow.) I've been taking steps to share it. I will take another tomorrow. That is my prayer, always with the desire that it be to the glory of God.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
More of the same (and that's good!)
Psalmcat 51:2.12.11
This past week was filled with gifts of grace. Following a week in which I was so aware of how my best and most hope-filled plans seemed to get thrown off course, I experienced several days in which things that looked like negatives all ended up with positive results. And, of course, that's what also happened to those plans the previous week that seemed to be derailed.
Among the most recent examples:
-- Despite my best efforts not to care, I still struggle very much with wanting to be recognized for my diligent efforts as a copy editor in catching mistakes and keeping them out of the newspaper. But every month, no matter how many "catches" I enter in the newsroom contest (for January, it was more than 15, including misspelled or wrong names; wrong or missing dates; and factual errors) and no matter how good I think they are, someone else wins, usually for a single catch. I try not to let it bother me, but every month, my humanity gets in the way, and it does bother me. But this month, something unexpected happened. No, I didn't win for my "catches," but I won for a headline I wrote. It's ironic, because I don't consider headline writing one of my strengths at all. But when it comes to that monthly contest, I've probably been recognized more for my headlines than my editing. (Adding to the irony, I would not have been able to enter my winning headline, "Wave of expansions buoys Port of Catoosa," had another copy editor not caught that I originally wrote "bouyed.") I definitely heard God laughing in all of this and also trying to get me to learn a lesson in humility.
-- As each day passed since my crown prep work, and after returning to the dentist twice to have the temporary put back on, my doubts grew that the temporary would make it until my Feb. 21 appointment to have the permanent crown put on. So, in God's perfect timing, as I was somewhat dreadfully preparing to work into the night of impending snowfall on Tuesday and immediately after I had read that I didn't win for my catches and did win for a headline, the inside of my temporary crown crumbled!!!!!!! The other times, the whole thing came off, but this time, the inside crumbled into small pieces, and the outside stayed in place, although I could tell it was loose. Aaaagggghhhh!!!!!! I did not want to go back to the dentist, and since it was after 4 p.m., I decided I would wait until Wednesday to even call. As it turned out, the snow did come. I would have been able to make it to work for my four-hour shift on Wednesday, but instead I was able to get an appointment to take care of my tooth problem. And while there, I received totally unexpected good news: The permanent crown had come in early, so they were able to put it on!!!! After a tooth saga that had begun with crown prep work and 2 fillings on a snowy morning in mid-January, this was great news. So, the bad news of the temp crown crumbling turned into the good news of getting the permanent crown early. Maybe I'll be done with that for a while.
-- When snow and ice are in the forecast, it's hard for me not to fill with dread.
My place of employment stays open even when the weather is bad. When there's work to be done and I'm scheduled, I want to be there. But I live 25 miles from the office, so it's not always possible. So, I watch the forecasts and try to pack my car and an overnight bag appropriately and give it my best shot to get to work. The previous week, I was glad to be told to stay home on the worst day (even though I had to take personal leave time). This time, I could have made it to work, but I knew from the work plan of the previous day that enough people would be there to get the job done. Then, when the dentist's office was able to get me in, that made the decision to not go to work for my 4-hour shift even easier. (And since I didn't go to work, and my husband also was off because of the snow, we had an early Valentine's, going out to eat and then renting two DVD movies to watch.) So, two weeks in a row now, I've experienced silver linings among the snow and ice of winter weather. And because of my crazy schedule, I was able to miss just the four-hour shift each week, working the other 36 hours of my week the other four days.
Among the lessons learned (again?):
-- God knows exactly what each person, including me, needs, and He gives each person exactly what that person needs. But it's up to the person to accept what God gives. God doesn't force His gifts upon us. And sometimes the gifts are disguised.
-- God works all things for good.
-- God has a sense of humor. I might as well enjoy it and share it.
This past week was filled with gifts of grace. Following a week in which I was so aware of how my best and most hope-filled plans seemed to get thrown off course, I experienced several days in which things that looked like negatives all ended up with positive results. And, of course, that's what also happened to those plans the previous week that seemed to be derailed.
Among the most recent examples:
-- Despite my best efforts not to care, I still struggle very much with wanting to be recognized for my diligent efforts as a copy editor in catching mistakes and keeping them out of the newspaper. But every month, no matter how many "catches" I enter in the newsroom contest (for January, it was more than 15, including misspelled or wrong names; wrong or missing dates; and factual errors) and no matter how good I think they are, someone else wins, usually for a single catch. I try not to let it bother me, but every month, my humanity gets in the way, and it does bother me. But this month, something unexpected happened. No, I didn't win for my "catches," but I won for a headline I wrote. It's ironic, because I don't consider headline writing one of my strengths at all. But when it comes to that monthly contest, I've probably been recognized more for my headlines than my editing. (Adding to the irony, I would not have been able to enter my winning headline, "Wave of expansions buoys Port of Catoosa," had another copy editor not caught that I originally wrote "bouyed.") I definitely heard God laughing in all of this and also trying to get me to learn a lesson in humility.
-- As each day passed since my crown prep work, and after returning to the dentist twice to have the temporary put back on, my doubts grew that the temporary would make it until my Feb. 21 appointment to have the permanent crown put on. So, in God's perfect timing, as I was somewhat dreadfully preparing to work into the night of impending snowfall on Tuesday and immediately after I had read that I didn't win for my catches and did win for a headline, the inside of my temporary crown crumbled!!!!!!! The other times, the whole thing came off, but this time, the inside crumbled into small pieces, and the outside stayed in place, although I could tell it was loose. Aaaagggghhhh!!!!!! I did not want to go back to the dentist, and since it was after 4 p.m., I decided I would wait until Wednesday to even call. As it turned out, the snow did come. I would have been able to make it to work for my four-hour shift on Wednesday, but instead I was able to get an appointment to take care of my tooth problem. And while there, I received totally unexpected good news: The permanent crown had come in early, so they were able to put it on!!!! After a tooth saga that had begun with crown prep work and 2 fillings on a snowy morning in mid-January, this was great news. So, the bad news of the temp crown crumbling turned into the good news of getting the permanent crown early. Maybe I'll be done with that for a while.
-- When snow and ice are in the forecast, it's hard for me not to fill with dread.
My place of employment stays open even when the weather is bad. When there's work to be done and I'm scheduled, I want to be there. But I live 25 miles from the office, so it's not always possible. So, I watch the forecasts and try to pack my car and an overnight bag appropriately and give it my best shot to get to work. The previous week, I was glad to be told to stay home on the worst day (even though I had to take personal leave time). This time, I could have made it to work, but I knew from the work plan of the previous day that enough people would be there to get the job done. Then, when the dentist's office was able to get me in, that made the decision to not go to work for my 4-hour shift even easier. (And since I didn't go to work, and my husband also was off because of the snow, we had an early Valentine's, going out to eat and then renting two DVD movies to watch.) So, two weeks in a row now, I've experienced silver linings among the snow and ice of winter weather. And because of my crazy schedule, I was able to miss just the four-hour shift each week, working the other 36 hours of my week the other four days.
Among the lessons learned (again?):
-- God knows exactly what each person, including me, needs, and He gives each person exactly what that person needs. But it's up to the person to accept what God gives. God doesn't force His gifts upon us. And sometimes the gifts are disguised.
-- God works all things for good.
-- God has a sense of humor. I might as well enjoy it and share it.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Grace and healing
Workforce reductions hit way too close to my comfort zone this week. Amid all my glorious spirit- and prayer-filled, sunshiny recent days, management at my workplace was moving behind the scenes to deal with some harsh economic realities. And the result was a round of layoffs that seemed to catch everyone by surprise.
The great news for me: I still have a job. No way would I want to be among the ones who don't. But a difficult reality for me is that I don't understand why I'm still there and some other skilled, productive and loyal people are not. As I said when my sister was laid off earlier this year after less than a year on a job after more than a year of unemployment before that, "There but for the grace of God go I" doesn't seem to apply at all. I have to believe the ones who are now unemployed are just as much in God's grace as I am -- and as I would be in that situation.
The layoffs were announced just hours after I had experienced a joyous "Seeking Hour" that started at 7 a.m. Wednesday at my church. The rest of Wednesday, all of Thursday and most of Friday, I just felt stunned. Not that cuts had occurred -- I keep up with the news and know that although the recession was slow to reach Oklahoma, it's now here with a vengeance -- but just something about the process.
During those days, I kept praying and asking for prayers (from a pretty close circle of people). I prayed and asked for prayers for the people who had lost their jobs, but I also wanted prayers for me and others who might be struggling to get their minds refocused to go forward in a positive but humble way.
I experienced a visit from an old, familiar acquaintance: "survivor's guilt." I distinctly remember how, less than a week after I bought my first convertible on April 15, 1995, I was driving from Norman to Oklahoma City for work, and just as I reached the part of my drive where I pass downtown, my radio station was interrupted by news of a bombing downtown. As the reality of that horrible April 19 tragedy unfolded -- including that 19 young children had perished -- my flood of emotions included a twisted guilt. That's because, after I had finally accepted that my husband and I would choose not to have children, I said, well then, I'm going to get a convertible. In the warped mind of a thirtysomething, it seemed that I was being punished for thinking a fun car could replace the void of not having children. It took well over a decade to get some of that emotional mess straightened out for me.
So, let me just say when this past week's sudden sense of loss followed such fun and uplifting days, and I was visited by that strange sense of guilt, I was grateful to find that my faith is more firmly rooted. Near-daily Bible reading and prayer are bringing about true change in me. I can't remember how it fit in with the sermon, but just this morning, I think I heard the pastor say faith and salvation don't mean we will no longer face obstacles, but they do give us what we will need to face it. They can help us bring moments of grace and healing amid some of life's harsh realities.
The great news for me: I still have a job. No way would I want to be among the ones who don't. But a difficult reality for me is that I don't understand why I'm still there and some other skilled, productive and loyal people are not. As I said when my sister was laid off earlier this year after less than a year on a job after more than a year of unemployment before that, "There but for the grace of God go I" doesn't seem to apply at all. I have to believe the ones who are now unemployed are just as much in God's grace as I am -- and as I would be in that situation.
The layoffs were announced just hours after I had experienced a joyous "Seeking Hour" that started at 7 a.m. Wednesday at my church. The rest of Wednesday, all of Thursday and most of Friday, I just felt stunned. Not that cuts had occurred -- I keep up with the news and know that although the recession was slow to reach Oklahoma, it's now here with a vengeance -- but just something about the process.
During those days, I kept praying and asking for prayers (from a pretty close circle of people). I prayed and asked for prayers for the people who had lost their jobs, but I also wanted prayers for me and others who might be struggling to get their minds refocused to go forward in a positive but humble way.
I experienced a visit from an old, familiar acquaintance: "survivor's guilt." I distinctly remember how, less than a week after I bought my first convertible on April 15, 1995, I was driving from Norman to Oklahoma City for work, and just as I reached the part of my drive where I pass downtown, my radio station was interrupted by news of a bombing downtown. As the reality of that horrible April 19 tragedy unfolded -- including that 19 young children had perished -- my flood of emotions included a twisted guilt. That's because, after I had finally accepted that my husband and I would choose not to have children, I said, well then, I'm going to get a convertible. In the warped mind of a thirtysomething, it seemed that I was being punished for thinking a fun car could replace the void of not having children. It took well over a decade to get some of that emotional mess straightened out for me.
So, let me just say when this past week's sudden sense of loss followed such fun and uplifting days, and I was visited by that strange sense of guilt, I was grateful to find that my faith is more firmly rooted. Near-daily Bible reading and prayer are bringing about true change in me. I can't remember how it fit in with the sermon, but just this morning, I think I heard the pastor say faith and salvation don't mean we will no longer face obstacles, but they do give us what we will need to face it. They can help us bring moments of grace and healing amid some of life's harsh realities.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Praise where praise is due
Psalmcat 51:4.30.10
For at least two days now, smiles have come easily. The song is back in my heart and often on my lips as I drive or even as I ride the elevator or walk down an otherwise vacant hallway.
So, what changed? I could say it's that my husband took my car to get some warranty work done (at 35,800 miles!), and a dealership's service department did it for him, while a different dealership's service department (where I bought the car) told me two weeks earlier there was nothing wrong with it.
I could say it's that something has changed in the atmosphere, and whatever was causing the really bad drainage, coughing, sneezing and ITCHING is gone, taking with it a cloud of frustration and misery.
I could say it's that I've adjusted to my bifocals, and they're no longer driving me nuts. But that would be a lie! The truth is, I still don't like my bifocals and haven't taken the next step to get that rectified. But these past two days, it hasn't been a problem just to reposition my head or view. The house is still a mess, I've got a ton of laundry waiting to be done and who knows what else that I've been putting off. But for this moment, those things are not stressing me out.
So, again, what's different?
I think the allergies/atmosphere may be the biggest physical factor, but just as important a fact is that even during many almost depressing days of April, I did not lose faith, quit praying or fail to look for the silver linings. Fleeting moments of peace and joy helped keep hope alive until some of the fog and confusion cleared.
For today -- this moment -- I'm singing, smiling and praising instead of whining, complaining and distressing. I never know how long the clarity will last, but I'm so grateful when I experience it. But I'm even more grateful to know and truly believe that God loves me and delights in me and is with me in those days that seem so dark and cloudy.
I'm thinking April's clouds were the seeds for showers (and maybe some storms) that will lead to a beautiful May filled with bouquets of blessings and a garden of grace-filled moments.
I pray to live in such a way that all the glory and praise always goes to God.
For at least two days now, smiles have come easily. The song is back in my heart and often on my lips as I drive or even as I ride the elevator or walk down an otherwise vacant hallway.
So, what changed? I could say it's that my husband took my car to get some warranty work done (at 35,800 miles!), and a dealership's service department did it for him, while a different dealership's service department (where I bought the car) told me two weeks earlier there was nothing wrong with it.
I could say it's that something has changed in the atmosphere, and whatever was causing the really bad drainage, coughing, sneezing and ITCHING is gone, taking with it a cloud of frustration and misery.
I could say it's that I've adjusted to my bifocals, and they're no longer driving me nuts. But that would be a lie! The truth is, I still don't like my bifocals and haven't taken the next step to get that rectified. But these past two days, it hasn't been a problem just to reposition my head or view. The house is still a mess, I've got a ton of laundry waiting to be done and who knows what else that I've been putting off. But for this moment, those things are not stressing me out.
So, again, what's different?
I think the allergies/atmosphere may be the biggest physical factor, but just as important a fact is that even during many almost depressing days of April, I did not lose faith, quit praying or fail to look for the silver linings. Fleeting moments of peace and joy helped keep hope alive until some of the fog and confusion cleared.
For today -- this moment -- I'm singing, smiling and praising instead of whining, complaining and distressing. I never know how long the clarity will last, but I'm so grateful when I experience it. But I'm even more grateful to know and truly believe that God loves me and delights in me and is with me in those days that seem so dark and cloudy.
I'm thinking April's clouds were the seeds for showers (and maybe some storms) that will lead to a beautiful May filled with bouquets of blessings and a garden of grace-filled moments.
I pray to live in such a way that all the glory and praise always goes to God.
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