For the second time in recent months (since the paper sold), I dreamed this week that I was laid off. Both times it was so vivid. Both times it was clear it was just a business decision and that I have no control over such things.
So far, and fortunately, my dreams tend to reflect past experiences and situations more than what's coming. They provide reminders not to put my faith in earthly things. They affirm my need to pray, without ceasing, to know God's will, work hard (anyway), show love, seek justice, praise God and trust God.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Here I go again ... (oops, using fingers again!)
I guess it's time for this ol' cat to learn a new trick. It seems a strong possibility now that just more than a year of using my left index finger to type on my phone is starting to cause problems.
I think I noticed the more frequent numbness in my index finger first. My fingers have always occasionally gotten a little numb when it's cold. But they rebounded pretty quickly. This winter, it happens more often -- and it's harder to get it back to normal, especially my left index finger. And when it happened again yesterday, I took my gloves off and looked for the first time in good light. The top part of that finger was colorless. Pretty freaky. I massaged it back into shape and vowed to make the change that has never worked for me before: using my thumbs to type on my phone.
So far, it's extremely difficult and frustrating. I've lost some posts I was trying to edit, and I'm constantly having to back up and try again. So, it's taking forever.
I realize it's quite possible these tiny keyboards aren't intended for essays such as blog posts. But the phone makes it so easy to just start writing when the thoughts come, such as sitting in the reclined with the cat on my lap, or even when I'm pedaling on my exercise bike.
Perhaps if it were just the numbness when it's cold I wouldn't be concerned. But I've also started having some pain in my left wrist. I've managed to avoid carpel tunnel symptoms in about 30 years of computer work. I'd hate to start having problems due to a supposedly smart phone.
So, I am trying the thumb method. I may already feel positive results in my hand, if not in my ability to type like this. My daily devotionals continue to offer words and Scriptures that affirm and encourage me along this path of making changes that weeks if not days ago still seemed impossible. And that gives me hope that I'll follow up on an even bigger step I know I need to take.
From today's reading: Don't waste energy regretting the way things are ... Start at the present moment -- accepting things exactly as they are -- and search for My (the Lord's) way in the midst of those circumstances.
I think I noticed the more frequent numbness in my index finger first. My fingers have always occasionally gotten a little numb when it's cold. But they rebounded pretty quickly. This winter, it happens more often -- and it's harder to get it back to normal, especially my left index finger. And when it happened again yesterday, I took my gloves off and looked for the first time in good light. The top part of that finger was colorless. Pretty freaky. I massaged it back into shape and vowed to make the change that has never worked for me before: using my thumbs to type on my phone.
So far, it's extremely difficult and frustrating. I've lost some posts I was trying to edit, and I'm constantly having to back up and try again. So, it's taking forever.
I realize it's quite possible these tiny keyboards aren't intended for essays such as blog posts. But the phone makes it so easy to just start writing when the thoughts come, such as sitting in the reclined with the cat on my lap, or even when I'm pedaling on my exercise bike.
Perhaps if it were just the numbness when it's cold I wouldn't be concerned. But I've also started having some pain in my left wrist. I've managed to avoid carpel tunnel symptoms in about 30 years of computer work. I'd hate to start having problems due to a supposedly smart phone.
So, I am trying the thumb method. I may already feel positive results in my hand, if not in my ability to type like this. My daily devotionals continue to offer words and Scriptures that affirm and encourage me along this path of making changes that weeks if not days ago still seemed impossible. And that gives me hope that I'll follow up on an even bigger step I know I need to take.
From today's reading: Don't waste energy regretting the way things are ... Start at the present moment -- accepting things exactly as they are -- and search for My (the Lord's) way in the midst of those circumstances.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Until now ... And henceforth
-- Staying mostly in bed and not leaving the house from Friday night until Monday morning last weekend probably really did help me get over a cold faster. It is amazing, though, how tired I still was after spending that much time in bed and/or sleeping and doing nothing.
-- It was great to be back to a weekly meeting I missed last Saturday and church today.
-- As I've mentioned before, on Dec. 21, I made a decision to cut my gum consumption by half, which, as I said at the time, is no small thing for me. Even as I still struggle to keep that commitment in the fourth week, I've added another, prompted by the same strong inner feeling I had about the gum. This one is to quit recording a soap opera and making time to keep up with it. Sounds simple, right? But I guess I'm one of those people that trying to cut back or cut out makes me think I want it more. I have to remind myself every day why I made each decision and why it is worth keeping the commitment to myself. One day at a time is important to remember.
-- I have made some changes in my diet along with the gum. I think overall it's healthier. It's still a work in progress.
-- Oh, yes: The 28-year-old dishwasher quit working Friday night. A lot of people I know would have gone right out on Saturday and bought a new one. We'll actually try to fix ours. Trying to keep old appliances out of the landfill as long as possible, I suppose. And they just don't make things like they used to. Meanwhile, I feel solidarity with Mom and others I know for whom washing dishes by hand is no big deal.
-- I responded passionately to three different things this weekend. I shared insights in writing to make sure people in certain situations were aware of possible mistakes or other options. The world and society sends a lot of messages that seem to say people should mind their own business. And you certainly have to not show emotion! But something within me requires me to express. And so I pray, and usually write, rather than speak. And I trust God with the results.
-- On this 15th day of 2012, I'm mostly feeling positive and hopeful and as if progress is occurring. I'm grateful for that. The new morning prayer routine sitting in a comfortable chair and using the Jesus Calling devotional and A Praying Heart journal starts my day with peace. So many good insights from Scripture. I am learning to say daily and believe: I trust You, Lord.
As the bishop said when he preached at our church today, from 1 Samuel 7:12, up until now, God has been with us and blessed us. And we can have faith that He will continue to be with us and bless us. (But it helps if we start out right from the top, as he shared from his lesson as a 7-year-old who had some trouble with his first beloved button-front shirt.)
-- It was great to be back to a weekly meeting I missed last Saturday and church today.
-- As I've mentioned before, on Dec. 21, I made a decision to cut my gum consumption by half, which, as I said at the time, is no small thing for me. Even as I still struggle to keep that commitment in the fourth week, I've added another, prompted by the same strong inner feeling I had about the gum. This one is to quit recording a soap opera and making time to keep up with it. Sounds simple, right? But I guess I'm one of those people that trying to cut back or cut out makes me think I want it more. I have to remind myself every day why I made each decision and why it is worth keeping the commitment to myself. One day at a time is important to remember.
-- I have made some changes in my diet along with the gum. I think overall it's healthier. It's still a work in progress.
-- Oh, yes: The 28-year-old dishwasher quit working Friday night. A lot of people I know would have gone right out on Saturday and bought a new one. We'll actually try to fix ours. Trying to keep old appliances out of the landfill as long as possible, I suppose. And they just don't make things like they used to. Meanwhile, I feel solidarity with Mom and others I know for whom washing dishes by hand is no big deal.
-- I responded passionately to three different things this weekend. I shared insights in writing to make sure people in certain situations were aware of possible mistakes or other options. The world and society sends a lot of messages that seem to say people should mind their own business. And you certainly have to not show emotion! But something within me requires me to express. And so I pray, and usually write, rather than speak. And I trust God with the results.
-- On this 15th day of 2012, I'm mostly feeling positive and hopeful and as if progress is occurring. I'm grateful for that. The new morning prayer routine sitting in a comfortable chair and using the Jesus Calling devotional and A Praying Heart journal starts my day with peace. So many good insights from Scripture. I am learning to say daily and believe: I trust You, Lord.
As the bishop said when he preached at our church today, from 1 Samuel 7:12, up until now, God has been with us and blessed us. And we can have faith that He will continue to be with us and bless us. (But it helps if we start out right from the top, as he shared from his lesson as a 7-year-old who had some trouble with his first beloved button-front shirt.)
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Blessings/lessons while sick
It is really hard for me to stay home just because I don't feel good. It would help if, by staying home, I got better sooner. But I'm not sure that's the case. I guess I should also consider the germ factor: People probably are glad am not out there spreading them!
Bridget is enjoying me being here.
When she rests so contentedly and purring on my lap, the delight and rightness I feel makes me imagine how God feels when I stop and rest in His Presence.
Lessons/blessings from being sick:
--Different sense of dependence on God. One of my new devotionals for the year has suggested I learn to say, in all things: "I trust You, Jesus." It doesn't come easily. It is amazing how much it has helped when I do.
--I'd rather praise God for keeping me well. I'm glad I know to praise Him for keeping me even when I'm sick.
--Gene is over his health maladies (including last weekend's cold I probably caught), so he can make drug and grocery runs for me.
--Stocking up my gum bank; unexpected answer to one of my odd needs.
I still struggle to understand why I will miss church and 12-step meetings with cold symptoms, but am less likely to stay home from work. (I worked Friday even though Gene would not let me come see him in the hospital; he didn't want me to infect the sick people.) I think it's because they don't "need" me as much at church and OA. I need them. But we really feel it at work when someone is gone. And I can work. I just don't feel great. (And I keep Germ-x with me at all times.)
Now that I think about it, it's somewhat new for me to actually stay home from the OA meeting and church without worse symptoms. Maybe it's a result of me praying more intentionally and seeking God's wisdom and presence. It's still too early to know for sure. I know I hope I wake up in the morning feeling so much better that there's no question about whether I should go to work. I still think that is possible.
Until then and always: "I trust You, Jesus."
Bridget is enjoying me being here.
When she rests so contentedly and purring on my lap, the delight and rightness I feel makes me imagine how God feels when I stop and rest in His Presence.
Lessons/blessings from being sick:
--Different sense of dependence on God. One of my new devotionals for the year has suggested I learn to say, in all things: "I trust You, Jesus." It doesn't come easily. It is amazing how much it has helped when I do.
--I'd rather praise God for keeping me well. I'm glad I know to praise Him for keeping me even when I'm sick.
--Gene is over his health maladies (including last weekend's cold I probably caught), so he can make drug and grocery runs for me.
--Stocking up my gum bank; unexpected answer to one of my odd needs.
I still struggle to understand why I will miss church and 12-step meetings with cold symptoms, but am less likely to stay home from work. (I worked Friday even though Gene would not let me come see him in the hospital; he didn't want me to infect the sick people.) I think it's because they don't "need" me as much at church and OA. I need them. But we really feel it at work when someone is gone. And I can work. I just don't feel great. (And I keep Germ-x with me at all times.)
Now that I think about it, it's somewhat new for me to actually stay home from the OA meeting and church without worse symptoms. Maybe it's a result of me praying more intentionally and seeking God's wisdom and presence. It's still too early to know for sure. I know I hope I wake up in the morning feeling so much better that there's no question about whether I should go to work. I still think that is possible.
Until then and always: "I trust You, Jesus."
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Inspiration at the start of 2012
Psalmcat 52:1.1.12
On New Year's Eve, I wrote down three thoughts for 2012: Keep it simple. Keep it spiritual. Let God lead.
So, today the year began, and it didn't seem much like a holiday. Gene spent most of the day in bed with a cold or more, and Bridget still can't keep much food down. (I think it's hairballs.) I thought we would have Communion to start the new year at church; instead, we had a guest speaker so the preacher could travel with his family. (The guest did a superb job.) And the person who was supposed to do special music could not sing today.
I really struggled not to overeat and overchew. Gene being sick in bed didn't help. I did cook us a meal of ham, black-eyed peas, salad and crescent rolls. I knew he didn't have much appetite or taste, but eating black-eyed peas is a tradition for us. Here's to a healthy and prosperous 2012.
More vital to the success of the year, however, will be what I finally started tonight. I bought my own copy of Jesus Calling, a daily devotional book Mom received after Daddy died. "Come to me with a teachable spirit, eager to be changed." That's how it started today, with reference to one of my favorite Scriptures, Jeremiah 29:11. The devotionals are designed to help the reader be open to and experience God's presence.
I also started a daily devotional prayer journal I received for Christmas. The two books are not related, but if the first day is an indication, they will complement and enhance each other. The Scripture reference there was The Message version of "Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me." And it also led me to re-examine Psalm 139:23-24 -- "Search me, oh God, and know my heart ... and lead me in the way everlasting."
I also want to share this, from Debbie Hazen Bennett, a cousin of my friend Susan. I was just going to pass along excerpts, but it is so real and resonant as written that I will not change anything. So, with this, just thank You, God, for another day to live and learn to serve You in grace and love.
12 things that I wish I had known at 25 ~ Or more accurately, 12 things that, had I put them into action, would have made my life a lot easier. Some are bits of advice that wisdom figures have told me and took years to sink in. Others are the result of some hard knocks. A few are insights from the great spiritual masters that I've adapted for my own life. Maybe a few will help someone you know who's 25. Maybe one or two will help you.
1. First up: Stop worrying so much! It's useless. (I.e. Jesus was right.)
2. Being a saint means being yourself. Stop trying to be someone else and just be your best self. Saves you heartache.
3. There's no right way to pray, any more than there's a right way to be a friend. What's "best" is what works best for you.
4. Remember three things and save yourself lots of unneeded heartache: You're not God. This ain't heaven. Don't act like a jerk.
5. Your deepest, most heartfelt desires are God's desires for you. And vice versa. Listen. And follow them.
6. Within you is the idea of your best self. Act as if you were that person and you will become that person, with God's grace.
7. Don't worry too much about the worst that can happen. Even if it happens, God is with you, and you can handle it. Really.
8. You can't force people to approve of you, agree with you, be impressed with you, love you or even like you. Stop trying.
9. When we compare, we are usually imagining someone else's life falsely. So our real-life loses out. I.e. Compare and despair.
10. Even when you finally realized the right thing, or the Christian thing, to do, it can still be hard to do. Do it anyway.
11. Seven things to say frequently: I love you. Thank you. Thank you, God. Forgive me. I'm so happy for you! Why not? Yes.
12. Peace and joy come after asking God to free you -- from anything that keeps you from being loving and compassionate.
On New Year's Eve, I wrote down three thoughts for 2012: Keep it simple. Keep it spiritual. Let God lead.
So, today the year began, and it didn't seem much like a holiday. Gene spent most of the day in bed with a cold or more, and Bridget still can't keep much food down. (I think it's hairballs.) I thought we would have Communion to start the new year at church; instead, we had a guest speaker so the preacher could travel with his family. (The guest did a superb job.) And the person who was supposed to do special music could not sing today.
I really struggled not to overeat and overchew. Gene being sick in bed didn't help. I did cook us a meal of ham, black-eyed peas, salad and crescent rolls. I knew he didn't have much appetite or taste, but eating black-eyed peas is a tradition for us. Here's to a healthy and prosperous 2012.
More vital to the success of the year, however, will be what I finally started tonight. I bought my own copy of Jesus Calling, a daily devotional book Mom received after Daddy died. "Come to me with a teachable spirit, eager to be changed." That's how it started today, with reference to one of my favorite Scriptures, Jeremiah 29:11. The devotionals are designed to help the reader be open to and experience God's presence.
I also started a daily devotional prayer journal I received for Christmas. The two books are not related, but if the first day is an indication, they will complement and enhance each other. The Scripture reference there was The Message version of "Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me." And it also led me to re-examine Psalm 139:23-24 -- "Search me, oh God, and know my heart ... and lead me in the way everlasting."
I also want to share this, from Debbie Hazen Bennett, a cousin of my friend Susan. I was just going to pass along excerpts, but it is so real and resonant as written that I will not change anything. So, with this, just thank You, God, for another day to live and learn to serve You in grace and love.
12 things that I wish I had known at 25 ~ Or more accurately, 12 things that, had I put them into action, would have made my life a lot easier. Some are bits of advice that wisdom figures have told me and took years to sink in. Others are the result of some hard knocks. A few are insights from the great spiritual masters that I've adapted for my own life. Maybe a few will help someone you know who's 25. Maybe one or two will help you.
1. First up: Stop worrying so much! It's useless. (I.e. Jesus was right.)
2. Being a saint means being yourself. Stop trying to be someone else and just be your best self. Saves you heartache.
3. There's no right way to pray, any more than there's a right way to be a friend. What's "best" is what works best for you.
4. Remember three things and save yourself lots of unneeded heartache: You're not God. This ain't heaven. Don't act like a jerk.
5. Your deepest, most heartfelt desires are God's desires for you. And vice versa. Listen. And follow them.
6. Within you is the idea of your best self. Act as if you were that person and you will become that person, with God's grace.
7. Don't worry too much about the worst that can happen. Even if it happens, God is with you, and you can handle it. Really.
8. You can't force people to approve of you, agree with you, be impressed with you, love you or even like you. Stop trying.
9. When we compare, we are usually imagining someone else's life falsely. So our real-life loses out. I.e. Compare and despair.
10. Even when you finally realized the right thing, or the Christian thing, to do, it can still be hard to do. Do it anyway.
11. Seven things to say frequently: I love you. Thank you. Thank you, God. Forgive me. I'm so happy for you! Why not? Yes.
12. Peace and joy come after asking God to free you -- from anything that keeps you from being loving and compassionate.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sweet Music of Life, 2011
As I turn the page past another December,
I'm grateful to take time to remember
Rich blessings of family, friendship and spirit
Sweet music of life: To hear it! To share it!
I'm not going to take time to rehash the year's precious memories. Most if not all were addressed along the way. But I felt the need to write a few words before I do some last-minute work to wrap up a few 2011 details that will help give the new year a fresher start.
One of the things I had jotted down but not yet shared is a year-end accomplishment that gives me hope for the future. After wanting to do so for several months if not years, on Dec. 21, I committed to cut my gum consumption by half -- which is probably still more than anyone else in the world chews. And surprisingly, I've chewed less than my allotted maximum several days. And there have been some very positive health aspects. For anyone who has never had a habit get out of hand, this probably seems like no big deal. But I was hooked. It was on a prayer list of things I wanted to change, most of which still seem impossible. The thing that pushed me to action on this was noticing again just how much I was spending on gum. Why all of a sudden I was able to make the change, I do not know. But I credit God. I began by trying to get through just one day, then one work day, and then one shopping day. Each new situation seemed impossible. But I just kept praying and recommitting and focusing on the positive results. I don't know that it's getting easier, but my awareness of the benefits stays strong.
Also strong is my sense of hope that if I can finally, with God's help, do this seemingly minor thing but impossible thing, maybe the next goal for self-improvement will be possible.
I feel this change is part of the slow but sure growth of my faith. Much of the growth this year came through experiences related to the health and eventual death of my Dad. I got to find out whether my faith is real and rooted; I found that it is, but I know I must continue to nurture it by reading the Bible, studying, and spending time in worship, service and fellowship with others seeking to follow Christ. (I just realized I want to buy my own copy of a devotional book my Mom received; I like the thought of reading the same Scriptures and meditations she sees each day.)
That parenthetical realization made me think of one other thing I want to include, but it may be too personal involving other people. How can I summarize it? An email exchange among loved ones after Christmas warmed my heart and just made me want to praise God. Why does it take what seems like adversity for people to realize how blessed they are? Some never do, so my heart rejoices whenever people I love make the grateful choice to see beyond material things.
That's all of my words to share here for now. I need to tackle those tasks, accompanied by sweet music and memories of life.
I'm grateful to take time to remember
Rich blessings of family, friendship and spirit
Sweet music of life: To hear it! To share it!
I'm not going to take time to rehash the year's precious memories. Most if not all were addressed along the way. But I felt the need to write a few words before I do some last-minute work to wrap up a few 2011 details that will help give the new year a fresher start.
One of the things I had jotted down but not yet shared is a year-end accomplishment that gives me hope for the future. After wanting to do so for several months if not years, on Dec. 21, I committed to cut my gum consumption by half -- which is probably still more than anyone else in the world chews. And surprisingly, I've chewed less than my allotted maximum several days. And there have been some very positive health aspects. For anyone who has never had a habit get out of hand, this probably seems like no big deal. But I was hooked. It was on a prayer list of things I wanted to change, most of which still seem impossible. The thing that pushed me to action on this was noticing again just how much I was spending on gum. Why all of a sudden I was able to make the change, I do not know. But I credit God. I began by trying to get through just one day, then one work day, and then one shopping day. Each new situation seemed impossible. But I just kept praying and recommitting and focusing on the positive results. I don't know that it's getting easier, but my awareness of the benefits stays strong.
Also strong is my sense of hope that if I can finally, with God's help, do this seemingly minor thing but impossible thing, maybe the next goal for self-improvement will be possible.
I feel this change is part of the slow but sure growth of my faith. Much of the growth this year came through experiences related to the health and eventual death of my Dad. I got to find out whether my faith is real and rooted; I found that it is, but I know I must continue to nurture it by reading the Bible, studying, and spending time in worship, service and fellowship with others seeking to follow Christ. (I just realized I want to buy my own copy of a devotional book my Mom received; I like the thought of reading the same Scriptures and meditations she sees each day.)
That parenthetical realization made me think of one other thing I want to include, but it may be too personal involving other people. How can I summarize it? An email exchange among loved ones after Christmas warmed my heart and just made me want to praise God. Why does it take what seems like adversity for people to realize how blessed they are? Some never do, so my heart rejoices whenever people I love make the grateful choice to see beyond material things.
That's all of my words to share here for now. I need to tackle those tasks, accompanied by sweet music and memories of life.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Christmas in transition
I'm back in Norman after a very nice Christmas weekend with family in Texas. Thanks to all who joined along in singing (and playing) songs of the season! And oh the food and smiles and hugs and love. Sweet music of life -- to hear it, to share it and to praise God for it.
It was our first Christmas without Daddy physically among us on Earth. There still weren't any public tears that I was aware of, and not much discussion of our thoughts since Daddy's passing. To me, it seems people would rather not talk about it. I was aware we didn't do a family picture. No one mentioned it that I heard. I thought of it but didn't want to be the one to bring it up. I do have a sense that late August was our Christmas, and we took lots of pictures then.
As I prepared for the weekend, one of the things I tried to recall was what our mindset as a family was last year. It was after Daddy's lung surgery. As far as we knew, the surgery was a success and he was cancer-free. I think the sense was overwhelming gratitude that he had come through everything so well and that we were together for another Christmas as a family. All of the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren were there. I don't recall any thoughts that it might be our last Christmas together, other than just as part of our fresher reality that we won't all be here forever. And then when the 3-6 months prognosis after an inoperable liver cancer diagnosis came in last August, it still seemed hard to fathom Daddy wouldn't be here this Christmas. That was still the case for me the first week of October. But by the last week of October, it was clear that God's, and Daddy's, gift to the family would be for Daddy's suffering to end and our new reality to begin.
And for me, some of what Christmas is all about was stronger in my heart, knowing that God's gift of His son is why we don't have to fear death -- our own or those of our loved ones who put their faith in Him. Daddy was certainly in good company for his first Christmas in heaven.
Anyway, I'm still trying to find my way on when and where it is appropriate to really talk much about Daddy and honor his memory. Among ways today: Memorial donations and words on a blog.
Meanwhile, life goes on. I was grateful to attend the Christmas Eve communion and candlelight service at Whaley in Gainesville with Gene, Mom and Amy. Then Gene and I went to McKinney to spend the night and Christmas Day with Gene's sister, Mae, and her son, Michael, joined later by his significant other, her son and their hyper chihuahuas. And somehow there was still time for a Christmas night visit to see Mom and those staying at her house. And of course Monday with Mom and my siblings and their families and extended family and friends is always time to treasure that ends too soon. Grateful for memories -- and pictures!
I caroled every chance I got, including on Facebook. I enjoyed that we did sing Christmas songs -- spiritual and seasonal -- before opening presents Monday.
I don't know what I expected for this Christmas. I know it turned out good. God's presence seems more real to me than ever. I pray to live in a way that I never lose that.
Happy birthday, Jesus. Thank you, God. I pray to reflect Your love and live to Your glory.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)