This first month of 2012 has been quite a process. In some ways, I feel as if I've made a lot of progress in some important areas. But progress seems to take so much effort, and doubts creep in as to whether I'm on the right track and whether it's worth it.
Perils of passion:
Early this month, someone brought to my attention a mistake in the newspaper
where I work, and asked, How could that happen? I wondered the same thing and, even though it was Saturday, decided to send an email that ultimately suggested a correction be made. Unfortunately, mixed in with my suggestion for a correction were a tone and some words in which I took the side of someone outside the paper instead of one who works there. (The mistake was that the Singing ChurchWomen of Oklahoma were called the Singing Church Ladies of Oklahoma. I wondered how someone couldn't question that, since it made me think of a "Saturday Night Live" skit, which could be considered offensive.) I will say I was reminded when I returned to work many of the reasons someone might not question that. And the most important thing I was reminded of was that this still is an area in which I struggle. I try so hard not to make mistakes, to the point of it making me slow at my work. And I do still make mistakes. But it's hard for me to imagine that I would not have questioned that. I question things constantly at work. I consider it my job. Even so, I need to watch my tone when I respond to the mistakes of others. It brought back to mind the time a superviser described me in an employee evaluation as "offputting." I laugh now, but that was such a shock and insult to me at the time to think someone could describe me like that. But even then, the bottom line seemed to be that I expected too much of people at work and wasn't diplomatic enough in working with others. The funny thing about that is when I think of what I might have been like had I not TRIED so hard to be diplomatic. I really did and do try, even in the deal this month!
Payoff of passion:
One of my dear sweet Facebook friends posted about a relationship change, and it caused me some fear that she might react with some unhealthy choices. I wanted to respond, but I was hesitant to do so. I don't want to meddle, etc. But I did send a positive, encouraging and honest message. And I prayed and prayed. It's another extremely fine line of knowing whether to express anything or how much; what I hear a lot of people say is that they hold back because they don't want to interfere. But my heart sometimes says I just must. And eventually, and so far, there has been a good response. I continue to lift this dear one up in prayer and am trusting she will find her best path.
Perils of persistence?
As I continue to try to make a habit of chewing less gum (that sounds funny was I read it); not be obsessed with certain tv shows; type on my iPhone with my thumbs instead of my left index finger; spend quiet time daily in prayer and meditation (rather than praying as I go, whether while lying in bed, pedaling on my exercise bike, walking down the hall or showering), I can't help but wonder whether it's just a new way of self-obsessing. Yesterday's reading in Jesus Calling said: "Whatever occupies your mind the most becomes your god." Immediately I was convicted. What do I think of most? Me! How embarrassing. I'd already done some prayerful soul searching about this and continue to do so. Right now, I still think God is leading me on the path of developing these more positive disciplines so that I will be freed from some of the bad habits and have more time and energy to love and serve God and others. But today's reading makes me take another look at that, as it suggested: "Instead of assessing your energy level and wondering about what's on the road ahead, concentrate on staying in touch with Me (Jesus)." The focus this month has been on trusting Jesus. On Jan. 4, the suggestion was to learn a new habit. "Try saying, 'I trust You, Jesus,' in response to whatever happens to you." And I've turned to that often.
Power of prayer:
And I turn to it now. Toward the end of the month, I've felt discouraged that some of these positive changes still don't come naturally. They take more time and effort than I think they should. Have they become idols? But again I am reinforced by Scriptures that God gives me as I spend quiet time with Him each morning (and the purring cat He places on my lap). They remind me God gives me all the strength and energy and direction and grace and guidance and love and more than I could ever even think I need or would ask for. He does it through the love of family and friends and the kindness of strangers. And His concept of time is not mine.
Today, I asked Him: Are you directing me to try to fix some things with me (discipline of gum, soap operas, blog, prayer time, etc.) or is this my will and another crutch? I believe You are leading me, Lord. I trust You to correct me if I am going astray. My hope is You. My prize is You. I pray to know and do Your will, Lord, one moment at a time, in all things, to Your glory.
Showing posts with label discipline. Show all posts
Showing posts with label discipline. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Until now ... And henceforth
-- Staying mostly in bed and not leaving the house from Friday night until Monday morning last weekend probably really did help me get over a cold faster. It is amazing, though, how tired I still was after spending that much time in bed and/or sleeping and doing nothing.
-- It was great to be back to a weekly meeting I missed last Saturday and church today.
-- As I've mentioned before, on Dec. 21, I made a decision to cut my gum consumption by half, which, as I said at the time, is no small thing for me. Even as I still struggle to keep that commitment in the fourth week, I've added another, prompted by the same strong inner feeling I had about the gum. This one is to quit recording a soap opera and making time to keep up with it. Sounds simple, right? But I guess I'm one of those people that trying to cut back or cut out makes me think I want it more. I have to remind myself every day why I made each decision and why it is worth keeping the commitment to myself. One day at a time is important to remember.
-- I have made some changes in my diet along with the gum. I think overall it's healthier. It's still a work in progress.
-- Oh, yes: The 28-year-old dishwasher quit working Friday night. A lot of people I know would have gone right out on Saturday and bought a new one. We'll actually try to fix ours. Trying to keep old appliances out of the landfill as long as possible, I suppose. And they just don't make things like they used to. Meanwhile, I feel solidarity with Mom and others I know for whom washing dishes by hand is no big deal.
-- I responded passionately to three different things this weekend. I shared insights in writing to make sure people in certain situations were aware of possible mistakes or other options. The world and society sends a lot of messages that seem to say people should mind their own business. And you certainly have to not show emotion! But something within me requires me to express. And so I pray, and usually write, rather than speak. And I trust God with the results.
-- On this 15th day of 2012, I'm mostly feeling positive and hopeful and as if progress is occurring. I'm grateful for that. The new morning prayer routine sitting in a comfortable chair and using the Jesus Calling devotional and A Praying Heart journal starts my day with peace. So many good insights from Scripture. I am learning to say daily and believe: I trust You, Lord.
As the bishop said when he preached at our church today, from 1 Samuel 7:12, up until now, God has been with us and blessed us. And we can have faith that He will continue to be with us and bless us. (But it helps if we start out right from the top, as he shared from his lesson as a 7-year-old who had some trouble with his first beloved button-front shirt.)
-- It was great to be back to a weekly meeting I missed last Saturday and church today.
-- As I've mentioned before, on Dec. 21, I made a decision to cut my gum consumption by half, which, as I said at the time, is no small thing for me. Even as I still struggle to keep that commitment in the fourth week, I've added another, prompted by the same strong inner feeling I had about the gum. This one is to quit recording a soap opera and making time to keep up with it. Sounds simple, right? But I guess I'm one of those people that trying to cut back or cut out makes me think I want it more. I have to remind myself every day why I made each decision and why it is worth keeping the commitment to myself. One day at a time is important to remember.
-- I have made some changes in my diet along with the gum. I think overall it's healthier. It's still a work in progress.
-- Oh, yes: The 28-year-old dishwasher quit working Friday night. A lot of people I know would have gone right out on Saturday and bought a new one. We'll actually try to fix ours. Trying to keep old appliances out of the landfill as long as possible, I suppose. And they just don't make things like they used to. Meanwhile, I feel solidarity with Mom and others I know for whom washing dishes by hand is no big deal.
-- I responded passionately to three different things this weekend. I shared insights in writing to make sure people in certain situations were aware of possible mistakes or other options. The world and society sends a lot of messages that seem to say people should mind their own business. And you certainly have to not show emotion! But something within me requires me to express. And so I pray, and usually write, rather than speak. And I trust God with the results.
-- On this 15th day of 2012, I'm mostly feeling positive and hopeful and as if progress is occurring. I'm grateful for that. The new morning prayer routine sitting in a comfortable chair and using the Jesus Calling devotional and A Praying Heart journal starts my day with peace. So many good insights from Scripture. I am learning to say daily and believe: I trust You, Lord.
As the bishop said when he preached at our church today, from 1 Samuel 7:12, up until now, God has been with us and blessed us. And we can have faith that He will continue to be with us and bless us. (But it helps if we start out right from the top, as he shared from his lesson as a 7-year-old who had some trouble with his first beloved button-front shirt.)
Monday, June 27, 2011
The new routine is no routine
The new routine is no routine. I need to remember that when the next few weeks tempt me to think there is a routine again.
Since the start of the year -- after many years of starting work in the morning and going into the late afternoon or early evening -- I've gone to an ever-changing schedule that is all over the place. The first two or three months it was mostly 2 or 4 p.m. to midnight. Then it was a few months of basically 2-10, 2-12, 2-6, 12-8 and 3 pm-1 am, Monday through Friday. In June it went to Sunday through Thursday, except when I wasn't needed on Sunday, so I worked Friday.
A mid-June vacation without a schedule fit right in with the confusion, and the vacation was punctuated by pulling an all-nighter for Relay for Life.
And now I'm working days again, noon to 8, which in the past would have seemed normal but now is just another change before going to a month of 10-6 Monday through Friday, unless something different is needed. And that will be for just a month, and then it will probably be back to the afternoon to night shifts.
What I am so aware of is that even when -- or especially when -- my work schedule lacks routine, it is imperative for me to build structure and maintain discipline in my life. Patterns of eating, sleeping, exercising, reading, praying and meditating are important. Most days I keep a pretty specific list of what I need to do and when. I went through a period this month of viewing that as a weakness. But today as I walked, after waking up on target after a within-range amount of pillow time, I embraced my list and willingness to use it as a strength.
As I was walking, I thought of my Dad, whose life example includes all kinds of work schedules, including true graveyard shifts. He and lots of people, including one of my sisters, have often worked far from ideal schedules. Their examples remind me to do whatever it takes to make it work for me. For me, that includes keeping it healthy, which is probably why it is more of a challenge, because keeping it healthy requires discipline for me.
That also made me think of Daddy's newest thing. A couple of days each week, he'll be going into town for pulmonary therapy. Why? To continue to build up his strength. He wants to be as healthy as he can be, even at 85. I am proud and inspired.
I sometimes wish my life were more routine or automatic. It seems as if what comes naturally for me is to do nothing. (I had some thoughts about that, too, while I walked today, that renewed my hope that I can change.) I'm grateful that I keep fighting that instinctive inertia.
Since the start of the year -- after many years of starting work in the morning and going into the late afternoon or early evening -- I've gone to an ever-changing schedule that is all over the place. The first two or three months it was mostly 2 or 4 p.m. to midnight. Then it was a few months of basically 2-10, 2-12, 2-6, 12-8 and 3 pm-1 am, Monday through Friday. In June it went to Sunday through Thursday, except when I wasn't needed on Sunday, so I worked Friday.
A mid-June vacation without a schedule fit right in with the confusion, and the vacation was punctuated by pulling an all-nighter for Relay for Life.
And now I'm working days again, noon to 8, which in the past would have seemed normal but now is just another change before going to a month of 10-6 Monday through Friday, unless something different is needed. And that will be for just a month, and then it will probably be back to the afternoon to night shifts.
What I am so aware of is that even when -- or especially when -- my work schedule lacks routine, it is imperative for me to build structure and maintain discipline in my life. Patterns of eating, sleeping, exercising, reading, praying and meditating are important. Most days I keep a pretty specific list of what I need to do and when. I went through a period this month of viewing that as a weakness. But today as I walked, after waking up on target after a within-range amount of pillow time, I embraced my list and willingness to use it as a strength.
As I was walking, I thought of my Dad, whose life example includes all kinds of work schedules, including true graveyard shifts. He and lots of people, including one of my sisters, have often worked far from ideal schedules. Their examples remind me to do whatever it takes to make it work for me. For me, that includes keeping it healthy, which is probably why it is more of a challenge, because keeping it healthy requires discipline for me.
That also made me think of Daddy's newest thing. A couple of days each week, he'll be going into town for pulmonary therapy. Why? To continue to build up his strength. He wants to be as healthy as he can be, even at 85. I am proud and inspired.
I sometimes wish my life were more routine or automatic. It seems as if what comes naturally for me is to do nothing. (I had some thoughts about that, too, while I walked today, that renewed my hope that I can change.) I'm grateful that I keep fighting that instinctive inertia.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Checking in on deadline
It's blog deadline again. I don't remember when it switched from Monday to Sunday, but I knew it would eventually become problematic if I didn't get something written on a weekday. Tonight, after a busy and fun Saturday-Sunday trip to see family in Texas, the Sunday deadline is problematic.
Sometimes I jot down blog notes during the week, but I didn't this time. I don't have anything ready to write, and I don't have time (it's 11:23 p.m., even though the blog time stamp will say it's much earlier) to just sit here and mess around until I come up with something, which is what I'm able to do sometimes when deadline sneaks up on me. It's not as if I don't have ideas. But it definitely takes time for me to make anything close to sense of those thoughts.
But I've seen the value of checking in and writing a few words. Sometimes something comes together that amazes me. That's not going to happen tonight. Checking in really is just checking in. It's really just making deadline. It's respecting the deadline. And it's not letting go of the hope/dream of something better to come.
Sometimes I jot down blog notes during the week, but I didn't this time. I don't have anything ready to write, and I don't have time (it's 11:23 p.m., even though the blog time stamp will say it's much earlier) to just sit here and mess around until I come up with something, which is what I'm able to do sometimes when deadline sneaks up on me. It's not as if I don't have ideas. But it definitely takes time for me to make anything close to sense of those thoughts.
But I've seen the value of checking in and writing a few words. Sometimes something comes together that amazes me. That's not going to happen tonight. Checking in really is just checking in. It's really just making deadline. It's respecting the deadline. And it's not letting go of the hope/dream of something better to come.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Routine challenges
A busy weekend away from home provides another reminder that I'm not adjusted to my new work schedule. Two days in a row of getting up early and having full days has left me TIRED!
And now it looks like my may be changing somewhat. All I know about my schedule this week is that I go in at 2 p.m. today instead of 4 p.m. I assume that means I work until 10 instead of midnight. But I don't know. And if I work the "early" schedule instead of the late this week, I don't know how that will affect my 10-hour days (usually 2 to midnight). Will I go in at noon? Or will I work until midnight anyway?
That probably makes no sense (and may also seem like a strange way to be managed -- for workers not to know their schedule by the start of the work week), but in some ways it fits right in with my own chaotic mind today. It's bouncing around from one thought to the next, and I can't even capture one thought long enough for a coherent blog post!
There are things I don't like about working until midnight, but there are things I do like about a routine. Not knowing seems hard for me. "One day at a time" keeps coming to mind. Those are words I've been encouraged to live by, but I don't do so well. This week may test that.
Above all, I'm trying to remind myself what I know works regardless of what is going on around me or what I know or don't know about my schedule or the expectations of others: Turn to God. Praise God. Obey God. Thank God. In so doing, I will remember that I am blessed and that I will be equipped for whatever the day brings. That equipment will include a heart overflowing with love, compassion, humility, faith and gratitude, among other things.
Dear God: I am just continuing to pray to know and DO your will, one moment at a time, in all things, to YOUR glory. Amen.
And now it looks like my may be changing somewhat. All I know about my schedule this week is that I go in at 2 p.m. today instead of 4 p.m. I assume that means I work until 10 instead of midnight. But I don't know. And if I work the "early" schedule instead of the late this week, I don't know how that will affect my 10-hour days (usually 2 to midnight). Will I go in at noon? Or will I work until midnight anyway?
That probably makes no sense (and may also seem like a strange way to be managed -- for workers not to know their schedule by the start of the work week), but in some ways it fits right in with my own chaotic mind today. It's bouncing around from one thought to the next, and I can't even capture one thought long enough for a coherent blog post!
There are things I don't like about working until midnight, but there are things I do like about a routine. Not knowing seems hard for me. "One day at a time" keeps coming to mind. Those are words I've been encouraged to live by, but I don't do so well. This week may test that.
Above all, I'm trying to remind myself what I know works regardless of what is going on around me or what I know or don't know about my schedule or the expectations of others: Turn to God. Praise God. Obey God. Thank God. In so doing, I will remember that I am blessed and that I will be equipped for whatever the day brings. That equipment will include a heart overflowing with love, compassion, humility, faith and gratitude, among other things.
Dear God: I am just continuing to pray to know and DO your will, one moment at a time, in all things, to YOUR glory. Amen.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Like coal in my stocking
Well, the good news is I still have a job. The not-so-thrilling news is that starting Jan. 3, I'll be working until midnight most days. I learned this the week of Christmas, and it seemed kinda like getting a lump of coal rather than a desirable gift in my stocking.
I typically don't deal with change very well, and that's the case again. I try to keep planning and hoping for the best. I see opportunities to make a fresh start on sleep patterns, exercise, eating and use of my nonwork time. But then my stomach weighs in, and I know I'm very, very unsettled. More than my hours are changing, but I don't yet know what the other aspects will involve.
Several times I've convinced myself I see more positives than negatives -- helped largely by amazing support from my husband, who has expressed willingness to make adjustments, too. The fact that, at least for the first month, I'm scheduled so that I can take off in time to attend choir practice on Wednesdays is another plus. But I don't see me getting up at 6 a.m. Wednesdays for the Seeking Hour that has become such an important part of my weekly routine.
For now, the uncertainty is the worst part. Even as I hope and plan for the best, I'm also trying to be prepared for the worst. What if I don't adjust? What if I can't sleep? What if I start overeating again? What if I don't like the changes in what I actually do at work? What if ...? What if ...?
So far, for every negative "what if ...," I've been able to eventually shift my mind -- at least temporarily -- to a positive thought. (I still haven't convinced my stomach.) Scripture reminds me it's a waste of time to worry about tomorrow. I cling to that and the message of Christmas, that God is with me. I also can't shake the thought that even a lump of coal can be put to productive use.
I hope that by dispatching this bit of possibly negative reality, I'll be able to sit down tomorrow or Friday and write a more upbeat assessment of the year that's ending and what may await in the coming year.
I typically don't deal with change very well, and that's the case again. I try to keep planning and hoping for the best. I see opportunities to make a fresh start on sleep patterns, exercise, eating and use of my nonwork time. But then my stomach weighs in, and I know I'm very, very unsettled. More than my hours are changing, but I don't yet know what the other aspects will involve.
Several times I've convinced myself I see more positives than negatives -- helped largely by amazing support from my husband, who has expressed willingness to make adjustments, too. The fact that, at least for the first month, I'm scheduled so that I can take off in time to attend choir practice on Wednesdays is another plus. But I don't see me getting up at 6 a.m. Wednesdays for the Seeking Hour that has become such an important part of my weekly routine.
For now, the uncertainty is the worst part. Even as I hope and plan for the best, I'm also trying to be prepared for the worst. What if I don't adjust? What if I can't sleep? What if I start overeating again? What if I don't like the changes in what I actually do at work? What if ...? What if ...?
So far, for every negative "what if ...," I've been able to eventually shift my mind -- at least temporarily -- to a positive thought. (I still haven't convinced my stomach.) Scripture reminds me it's a waste of time to worry about tomorrow. I cling to that and the message of Christmas, that God is with me. I also can't shake the thought that even a lump of coal can be put to productive use.
I hope that by dispatching this bit of possibly negative reality, I'll be able to sit down tomorrow or Friday and write a more upbeat assessment of the year that's ending and what may await in the coming year.
Monday, August 30, 2010
The cycle continues
After more than two weeks -- including a week of vacation days -- pedaling only on the exercise bike and bypassing the two-wheeler, I forced myself to get out of bed, get dressed, strap on the helmet and head down the street.
And so another positive cycle resumes.
My thinking is different when I pedal through neighborhood streets than when I walk along the same neighborhood sidewalks and trails. I think it's the combination of the refreshing breeze from my faster pace and the need for heightened alertness to avoid any sudden movements by cars as neighbors get ready to head out from their driveways and streetside parking.
Among my thoughts today:
It's so much easier to just ride the exercise bike. So, why bother to ride outside? As with going to church on Wednesday mornings to pray, I can't really explain why it's worth doing. I just know it is. For some reason, to decide not to ride outside today, when I knew I had the opportunity, would have been a negative start to my day and week. I guess it's as simple as that. That was the strong feeling in my gut/spirit, and I responded. I feel better for it. One reason I had opportunity today is because I'm back on the 11 to 7 schedule at work. I'm much less likely to ride outside when I work 10 to 6. And, as for why I didn't ride during my vacation, well, many things did not go as planned that week. Riding wasn't a priority. An interesting thing is that I ride the exercise bike about every day, usually while watching TV (often Texas Rangers baseball) or reading my daily meditation books. I can do it early, late, wearing anything or nothing. It's easy, convenient and seldom the only thing I'm doing at that time. Riding the two-wheeler outside takes deliberate effort and focus. But I enjoy riding the two-wheeler outside. I'm glad to realize I don't feel obsessed with it but can just choose to do it for pleasure. (Hmmmmm. Something to ponder there, for another time.)
When walking or riding, I typically make it a point to pray. Again, there's something refreshing about praying and meditating surrounded by the outdoors. Prayers of praise and thanksgiving. (Thank you, God, for Your mercy, love and grace. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for Your graciousness, love, spirit and all You are. Please help me know and do Your will, one moment at a time, in all things, to Your glory. You are God. You are God of me and all that is. You. You alone. Loving. Gracious. Omnipotent. All.) Prayers for family and friends and circumstances. Top of the list: My dad's continued medical tests.
The rest of my thoughts were pretty much a jumble: trying to think of something to write about and whether I even have time (I didn't, but I did anyway!); anticipating September, historically a very rich month for my family and myself (expect to read more later about that); work concerns; priorities, etc.
So, yes, the cycle continues. And, thanks be to God, the cycle continues to be positive.
And so another positive cycle resumes.
My thinking is different when I pedal through neighborhood streets than when I walk along the same neighborhood sidewalks and trails. I think it's the combination of the refreshing breeze from my faster pace and the need for heightened alertness to avoid any sudden movements by cars as neighbors get ready to head out from their driveways and streetside parking.
Among my thoughts today:
It's so much easier to just ride the exercise bike. So, why bother to ride outside? As with going to church on Wednesday mornings to pray, I can't really explain why it's worth doing. I just know it is. For some reason, to decide not to ride outside today, when I knew I had the opportunity, would have been a negative start to my day and week. I guess it's as simple as that. That was the strong feeling in my gut/spirit, and I responded. I feel better for it. One reason I had opportunity today is because I'm back on the 11 to 7 schedule at work. I'm much less likely to ride outside when I work 10 to 6. And, as for why I didn't ride during my vacation, well, many things did not go as planned that week. Riding wasn't a priority. An interesting thing is that I ride the exercise bike about every day, usually while watching TV (often Texas Rangers baseball) or reading my daily meditation books. I can do it early, late, wearing anything or nothing. It's easy, convenient and seldom the only thing I'm doing at that time. Riding the two-wheeler outside takes deliberate effort and focus. But I enjoy riding the two-wheeler outside. I'm glad to realize I don't feel obsessed with it but can just choose to do it for pleasure. (Hmmmmm. Something to ponder there, for another time.)
When walking or riding, I typically make it a point to pray. Again, there's something refreshing about praying and meditating surrounded by the outdoors. Prayers of praise and thanksgiving. (Thank you, God, for Your mercy, love and grace. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for Your graciousness, love, spirit and all You are. Please help me know and do Your will, one moment at a time, in all things, to Your glory. You are God. You are God of me and all that is. You. You alone. Loving. Gracious. Omnipotent. All.) Prayers for family and friends and circumstances. Top of the list: My dad's continued medical tests.
The rest of my thoughts were pretty much a jumble: trying to think of something to write about and whether I even have time (I didn't, but I did anyway!); anticipating September, historically a very rich month for my family and myself (expect to read more later about that); work concerns; priorities, etc.
So, yes, the cycle continues. And, thanks be to God, the cycle continues to be positive.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Learning from rationalizations
Well, here's a follow-up post that I'm not proud to write. I recently wrote about a situation at an overly crowded workplace parking garage in which a car that was over the line, basically taking up two spaces (including the last available one), got hit when another car tried to squeeze in. The driver of the car that tried to squeeze in didn't leave a note for the driver of the car that was hit.
Among other things, I wrote that I felt the driver who parked over the line was at fault, so I didn't blame the second driver for not leaving a note. But I also wrote that I know two wrongs don't make a right, and not leaving a note certainly seemed to fit the description of a second wrong. And I wrote that, when discussing this with a friend and asked how I would feel if my car was the one that was hit, I said I wouldn't have parked over the line in the first place.
Well, I guess I was wrong about that. Yesterday, when I pulled into a parking space at the uncrowded garage, I remember thinking that the pickup facing me must have been pretty far outside its space. Because I was parked right in line with the cars on my side. But when I got out of my car, I saw that the truck was within the lines, and I was over the line. For some reason, all of the cars on my side had bunched up, and I just followed the pattern without knowing it.
But the thing is, once I realized it, I didn't move my car! All the way from the parking garage to my desk, which is no small distance, I thought about this. Sure, if all of those cars stay where they are, there's no problem. But if one leaves and another comes to take its place, the situation might look exactly like the one described last week (except the garage likely would not be filled).
It would have been so easy to do the right thing -- move my car within the lines -- but I didn't do it. And I had so many excuses!!!! The main one was that someone was moving things from a company car to his personal car in the row where I'd parked, and I thought it would look stupid to move my car. (I did also remind myself that, if I did get hit, I could follow through with what I wrote last week, and accept that it was my fault!)
I guess the thing that still amazes me is how easy it is to think I'd always do the right thing, but when the opportunity comes, I don't. In this case, it really wasn't a big deal, mainly because parking spaces weren't at a premium (and I didn't get hit). But I'm so aware that the little rationalizations, whether they involve speeding or sleeping in on weekend mornings instead of going to help with Angel Food or attend Sunday school, make it easier to rationalize bigger wrongs or lapses.
The reason I write about it is because I'm trying to be more aware and honest. I write about the positive steps. It seems only fair to write about obvious examples of where I fall short, too, even when they may seem insignificant. That's not to say this is the worst stuff I do; far from it, and some shortcomings involve areas I can't imagine ever writing about -- at least not until they are corrected. And maybe someday they will be, as I continue to take prayerful steps toward accountability, disclosure and responsibility.
Among other things, I wrote that I felt the driver who parked over the line was at fault, so I didn't blame the second driver for not leaving a note. But I also wrote that I know two wrongs don't make a right, and not leaving a note certainly seemed to fit the description of a second wrong. And I wrote that, when discussing this with a friend and asked how I would feel if my car was the one that was hit, I said I wouldn't have parked over the line in the first place.
Well, I guess I was wrong about that. Yesterday, when I pulled into a parking space at the uncrowded garage, I remember thinking that the pickup facing me must have been pretty far outside its space. Because I was parked right in line with the cars on my side. But when I got out of my car, I saw that the truck was within the lines, and I was over the line. For some reason, all of the cars on my side had bunched up, and I just followed the pattern without knowing it.
But the thing is, once I realized it, I didn't move my car! All the way from the parking garage to my desk, which is no small distance, I thought about this. Sure, if all of those cars stay where they are, there's no problem. But if one leaves and another comes to take its place, the situation might look exactly like the one described last week (except the garage likely would not be filled).
It would have been so easy to do the right thing -- move my car within the lines -- but I didn't do it. And I had so many excuses!!!! The main one was that someone was moving things from a company car to his personal car in the row where I'd parked, and I thought it would look stupid to move my car. (I did also remind myself that, if I did get hit, I could follow through with what I wrote last week, and accept that it was my fault!)
I guess the thing that still amazes me is how easy it is to think I'd always do the right thing, but when the opportunity comes, I don't. In this case, it really wasn't a big deal, mainly because parking spaces weren't at a premium (and I didn't get hit). But I'm so aware that the little rationalizations, whether they involve speeding or sleeping in on weekend mornings instead of going to help with Angel Food or attend Sunday school, make it easier to rationalize bigger wrongs or lapses.
The reason I write about it is because I'm trying to be more aware and honest. I write about the positive steps. It seems only fair to write about obvious examples of where I fall short, too, even when they may seem insignificant. That's not to say this is the worst stuff I do; far from it, and some shortcomings involve areas I can't imagine ever writing about -- at least not until they are corrected. And maybe someday they will be, as I continue to take prayerful steps toward accountability, disclosure and responsibility.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Following through
It's been a week since I last wrote anything here, and one of my most basic goals was to write something at least once a week. So here I am, even though I feel tired and probably have more important things to be doing.
I'm trying to become more disciplined, and maybe this is another small step. But in so doing, will I skip my daily discipline of reading three devotionals and some Scripture while pedaling my exercise bike? Unfortunately, if I skip the bike, I don't seem to sleep or digest as well. (And it's not as if I'm over-exercising; I go 30 minutes at the most, with virtually no tension!) So I'll probably go ahead and read at least a little while pedaling some, and praying.
While trying to decide whether I would actually write anything tonight, I thought of several topics and talked myself out of all except this. But now some of them are trying to fight their way into expression. I want to save them for another day, but fear I won't get to them. (Now I've spent about 15 minutes trying to write about them, and I just can't do it. So I guess there's my answer for tonight. I'll save that writing for another day and just keep praying about the issues for now.)
I'm trying to become more disciplined, and maybe this is another small step. But in so doing, will I skip my daily discipline of reading three devotionals and some Scripture while pedaling my exercise bike? Unfortunately, if I skip the bike, I don't seem to sleep or digest as well. (And it's not as if I'm over-exercising; I go 30 minutes at the most, with virtually no tension!) So I'll probably go ahead and read at least a little while pedaling some, and praying.
While trying to decide whether I would actually write anything tonight, I thought of several topics and talked myself out of all except this. But now some of them are trying to fight their way into expression. I want to save them for another day, but fear I won't get to them. (Now I've spent about 15 minutes trying to write about them, and I just can't do it. So I guess there's my answer for tonight. I'll save that writing for another day and just keep praying about the issues for now.)
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