Back on track? Or a better, new track

So, I started setting some goals Saturday, in high hopes of using this little health surprise as a wake-up call to a better, more intentional life.

I did pretty well the first day. Saturday's goal was to start getting back on track. My inspiration was Elaine and so many others who do/did as much as they can as soon as they can or whenever they can. My surgeon actually encouraged it. In the morning, I walked on the treadmill -- slowly! -- for 15 minutes. After a rest, I showered. I knew to take it slow and pace myself.

Sunday's top desire was to attend church. I knew it might be a little ambitious, and I ended up not going. I am disappointed but undaunted. Maybe I will figure out where this Life.Church is online and give that a try. And I still have other goals I can accomplish today, even as I continue to rest and recuperate. I'm praying and trusting and continuing to be grateful for all prayers, support and encouragement!

Seeking positive changes, I'm trying to make an honest assessment: What excuses have I let hold me back from being the person I want to be? Mainly some little aches and pains; crazy brain that is not good at figuring out what to do (perhaps due to some ADD); and even some general laziness.

It helps to have Gene, who continues to be an amazing partner, care-helper and encourager -- and cook!!

And of course I am grateful to God for His continuing love, presence and healing.

Not what I expected

Much has not gone as planned for me since Thursday. I'm doing amazingly well, though, accompanied by God's presence, lots of prayers and angels on earth and in heaven!! 

Wednesday, I took a comp day from work and enjoyed spending time with my husband. Among other things, we went to the gym and I worked with a trainer. I was very excited about our healthy future. 

Yet, before Thursday was over, I was in the emergency room. I ended up in the hospital, then had surgery and now am recovering. 

There are many things I will never understand. But I know and am grateful for this: God never leaves my side. And He sends His angels on earth and in Heaven to help. 

What a day!

The final day of the first week of 2016 was pretty much a marathon. Someday I will write about it. 

What a difference a year makes!! (Or: one day at a time will tell)

So, I started and am ending this Jan. 1 about as unfocused and goalless as I can ever remember being. And I just reread last year's Jan. 1 blog post, and it confirms my suspicion. 

Last year's goal was to live in the moment. And maybe that's what I am still doing. Maybe it only seems unfocused and goalless. Maybe I'm really being more spontaneous and faithful and trusting in God. 

I know this is another "cheating" post, at least for now. I'm starting it on Jan. 1 and saving it as a draft, so I'll have the day's time stamp if I do decide to post it. That's what I did yesterday, too. (I have not posted that one as of 10:30 p.m. Jan. 1.)

The good news is this dishonesty isn't as bad as the dishonesty I carried in my life a year ago. The frustrating part is that I still seem unable to just be honest, who I am, and not have to cling to these ideals of posting pithy observations on key dates on the calendar or whatever other expectation I have for myself. 

I had so hoped to be able to articulate some goals for the year. And I have nothing. For tonight, that feels like a step backward. I guess time will tell if it really is. One day at a time will tell. 

Lessons learned?

I could sense on New Year's Eve eve that 2015 was unlikely to go out with a strong blog post by me. In fact, that's when I started writing this, hoping to stumble into a rhythm or plan while watching the Aggies try to win a bowl game with a third string quarterback starting by virtue of the two 5-star QBs ahead of him transferring out of the program after the final regular season game of the season. 

And maybe I do see some inspiration. Despite a very slow start (I think Jake Hubenak had no completed passes in the first quarter), there have been a couple of good scoring drives. It was 20-14 at the half and 27-21 with 1:40 minutes and A&M in the red zone. ... So anything is possible. I want the Aggies to win, but win or lose, it's been a good effort in less-than-optimal circumstances. (The Aggies didn't get that final score, but I'm more ok with it than I was with some of the non-victorious efforts this season.)

My point was trying to be: Just play ball!!

Or: Just live life. 

Or: Just do it. 

Don't decide whether to watch or participate based on what I think the outcome will be. 

And try to avoid the trap of letting the outcome dictate my attitude. 

Might that be a lesson learned from 2015? Time will tell. 

More good gifts

Maybe someday I will be able to express what is in my heart tonight. The journalist and writer in me never stops trying. But it really may be too personal to share. 

I just know I feel loved in a way I never have before. Love came down at Christmas. God sent His Son to save His  wayward people -- including a wretch like me!! Some of my wretchedness that I thought I had left in the past and might never have to own up to caught up with me this year. And finally, instead of running, lying or denying, I faced the truth and the consequences. 

And God in His great grace is restoring my hope and my possibilities. 

Impatience and lack of faith led to my wayward steps. And now I again find myself in need of patience. What took years to tear apart won't be repaired overnight. But great is God's faithfulness.  Morning by morning new mercies I see. 

That's why it's ok that I'm still not ready for Christmas gift exchanges at 9 p.m. Dec. 25. (Even though they won't happen until tomorrow, I'm out of time again!!)

It's ok that I only attended one of two Christmas Eve worship services at my church  last night and didn't sing with the choir, choosing instead to sit with my husband and even let tears flow as needed. 

I have to believe It's ok that today instead of volunteering to serve at a community meal, I went to see the new "Star Wars" movie with my husband. (I was inspired to do that after reading that it could be viewed as a Christmas story of good overcoming evil and light overcoming darkness. And even though surely that story will return -- there are so many loose ends and unanswered questions -- the finale of the Christmas story is known even as we await its fulfillment.)

I have hope that next Christmas will again include singing and also include serving and sharing more time with others.

But I trust that God will lead me where I need to be. 

I believe that things can be different -- better -- but that things won't change instantly. Change happens with baby steps. It may not even look like I'm moving forward. But small right steps add up to a positive difference. 

I am grateful for the love of my husband. It is a source of energy and hope and healing and joy. It is a gift from God and a reflection of God's love. May I never take it for granted. 

And I am grateful for God's love, at Christmas and always. May I never take it for granted. I pray to know and do His will, to love and serve Him, to trust and obey Him and to share the joy and light of His presence. 

Early Christmas surprise

For the first time in probably 20 years or more, we have a full-size Christmas tree in our house. My sweet semiretired husband surprised me with this when I got home from work Monday. It's actually the tree and decorations from all those years ago, with a few other cat ornaments I've received or bought even when I didn't put up a tree. Attic Angels took pretty good care of the tree!!!

I didn't realize how much I missed having a tree. We quit putting one up because we were never here for Christmas and the cats would not leave it alone. Now we don't have a cat -- and we will be here Christmas. Maybe next year we will have a kitty AND a Christmas tree.