Nothing changes if nothing changes

About five years ago, as my husband and I went through the most difficult time of our marriage, a phrase that become important to us was "nothing changes if nothing changes."

I like to think many things have changed since that time and know I could make a long list, if I would just take the time.

And yet, many things seem as unchanged as ever, despite my eternally optimistic hope (even as I resisted making official resolutions) at the start of another new year.

For all my good intentions, this may have been my most challenging January ever.

Is it spiritual warfare, a result of my commitment to not only read but study the Bible daily? Is it just the dark before the dawn, the growing pains that lead to a fruitful harvest?

It doesn't really matter what the source of my seeming stuckness is.

I will cling to God's eternal truths and trust in His faithfulness, even if I have doubts for the moment.

And something I saw on Facebook yesterday, posted by Mindful Christianity Today, expresses a truth that was on my mind: "When you replace 'Why is this happening to me?'  with 'What is this trying to teach me?,' everything shifts."

And tonight, I read this, from Lysa Terkeurst:

Satan wants you to believe you are forsaken. He wants you to think you are forgotten. He wants you to give up hope.
But listen to the symphony of truth that crescendos in this verse from Hebrews 10:23: “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” It overrides the enemy’s lies with these most glorious realities:
1. We just have to hold on to God’s hope. We don’t have to feel the hope, fulfill the hope or even understand the hope. We just have to picture ourselves holding onto this lifeline between God’s heart and ours and declare, “I am going to be an unswerving holder of this hope from God!”
2. We must profess the promises over our problems. Every problem we have can be made less painful by declaring a promise of God over it. It may still hurt but it won’t cripple us and hold us back if we remember that God promises through it all, He will hold us up.
3. God will carry the weight of making sure His promises are carried out. He is the faithful One. He is the sure One. It doesn’t depend on us; therefore; we don’t have to have a perfect performance in order for His promises to be fulfilled. We just have to hold on to Him and His love.

I will continue to lean on His love as I learn and grow.

Called to action (update)

Yesterday, I more or less updated what I had written about on Jan. 1.

Today, I'll update what I wrote about on Jan. 2. That's the day, inspired by "Reset: Diligence Is a Choice; It's Time to Execute," a YouVersion Bible app reading plan by Vance K. Jackson, I tried to commit to putting action to my intentions that arise from seeking God's guidance.

The "dream" I thought was at hand was "to take responsibility for my messes; to clean up my spaces; to get rid of the clutter and excess. God is telling me if I ask Him for guidance and trust Him to deliver guidance, He will equip me to complete the task."

I also prayed:  

Heavenly Father, please help me know what to do with this stuff. Help me let go of what I don’t need. And help me know what to do with it, whether it be to donate, keep or toss into the trash. I trust You to guide and equip me — and to balance this work with service to and fellowship with You and the people You bring into my path. That is perhaps my biggest challenge. Help me, I pray. I trust You. I love You. May my faithful, humble, gracious response glorify You. In Christ’s name I pray. Amen.

I asked and, for that day, I accomplished the things it seemed God had placed before me.

Since then, not so much. At least, no more progress on the clutter.

Most days, I've had a sense that even though I didn't work on the clutter, I did other things of service to God and others. I trusted that God was placing me where He needed me and I was grateful and peaceful.

But what about the mess?

As I wrote to a friend: "Last Thursday, I felt strong assurance God was directing me to get to work on my clutter. Readings reminded me I could ask for His help and trust Him to provide. And He did. So, have I asked Him for help since then? If I’m honest, the answer is no. Today I’m asking again. I’m praying for God to guide me in dealing with my messes (to His glory, “the ability to simplify [declutter?] means to eliminate the unnecessary so the necessary may speak”) and how to balance that with what seems to be His continued call to visit people who are homebound or hospitalized, while also being a good wife. God knows I can’t figure out how to do that!! But when I truly seek first His presence and will and allow myself to trust Him, I have peace and see that things work out fine, even if it’s not how I thought it should have been."

I ended up visiting rather than working on the clutter. 

I have not given up on the hope that God is trying to shape a new perspective within me. As I wrote last week, "Seeing the task more clearly as God's assignment for me today helped me keep at it. And the concept of sacrificing my desires, pleasure and will, and replacing them with God's will for me, also helped today. I think in the past I was trying to do what needed to be done through my own sufficiency, and that never worked. Today, I tried trusting God, believing it was His will for me, and the results were much better." I'm not sure I embraced that idea as fully today.

Change takes time. This change will take God's timing. It will also take effort -- sacrifice -- on my part. I believe it will be worth it, to God's glory.

Seek ye first

I didn't make a resolution to not be late in 2020.

I was aware as 2019 wound down that I hoped I would do better in being on time in the coming year. I was also aware I had unsuccessfully resolved to do better many times.

This year, my goal is to stay focused on God -- to pray, to listen, to read the Bible, to trust God to lead me to do the next right thing, and to trust God with the results.

Seek Ye first .... Seek God first -- and He will take are of the rest. 

Some days have gone better than others.

Saturday, I was grateful to be on time to a 10:30 meeting less than 10 minutes from my house for which I seem to always run late. Thank you, God.

I wanted to share that news on my blog and Facebook immediately. However, I decided to see how the next few days would go. I'm aware there are things for which I regularly am late on Sunday, Monday and Wednesday, as well as Saturday. ...

Sunday, I made it before the choir started preparing for worship, although I didn't achieve my goal of 10:30 a.m.

Monday, I was less than 5 minutes late for prayer, rather than my usual 10 to 15 minutes late.

Today, I was 20 minutes late for a weekly meeting in Oklahoma City. We didn't have our weekly choir rehearsal tonight, so it will be next Wednesday before I find out whether I'm making any progress on timeliness there.

Dare I say: It is what it is.

It's been a good week. I'm continuing to seek God first and then to turn to Him again and again as I get distracted. I've intentionally prayed to trust that He is leading me where I need to be. That has given me peace and I've also ended up being present to help encourage others in ways I doubt I would or could have without focusing on God. I am grateful.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." (Matthew 6:33, New King James Version)

Called to action

To start 2020, I'm repeating "Reset: Diligence Is a Choice; It's Time to Execute," a YouVersion Bible app reading plan by Vance K. Jackson that I also used to finish out 2019. It pulls together many Scriptures from Proverbs, Psalms and elsewhere, exploring them from a variety of translations, to express in no uncertain terms the importance of putting action to our intentions that arise from seeking God's guidance. 

This morning, it prompted me to write:

The dream at hand is to take responsibility for my messes; to clean up my spaces; to get rid of the clutter and excess. God is telling me if I ask Him for guidance and trust Him to deliver guidance, He will equip me to complete the task. 

But I must do my part. This work will not be done unless I do it. I believe God is telling me it’s time. 

And it’s not selfish. It will free me — and Gene — to be more responsible stewards of our resources, including time, for God’s glory. 

Heavenly Father, please help me know what to do with this stuff. Help me let go of what I don’t need. And help me know what to do with it, whether it be to donate, keep or toss into the trash. I trust You to guide and equip me — and to balance this work with service to and fellowship with You and the people You bring into my path. That is perhaps my biggest challenge. Help me, I pray. I trust You. I love You. May my faithful, humble, gracious response glorify You. In Christ’s name I pray. Amen,

I also reread and declared some truths gleaned from Scriptures by Lysa Terkheurst as part of her "Trustworthy" Bible study of 1 & 2 Kings.

This is the one that helped today: "Today, I declare doubt must flee because I'm shifting from self-sufficiency to sacrifice, putting trust back in God's hands."

She referenced Psalm 4:5 ("Offer right sacrifices, and put your trust in the Lord.") and Romans 12:1 ("I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.")

The declaration continued with a prayer: "From the time I wake up in the morning until it's time for me to go to sleep, I know there are things begging for my attention other than You, God. The weight of my problem begs me to give in to self-made solutions that leave no room for You to move. I pray that today would not be a day of self-sufficiency but a day of self-sacrifice. I offer myself to You as a living sacrifice because I know You are worthy of my trust."

I have felt before that God was calling me to get busy with these challenging tasks at home. Pray as I might, I couldn't seem to follow through. These and other Scriptures I've been taking to heart recently may be allowing God to shape a new perspective within me. Seeing the task more clearly as God's assignment for me today helped me keep at it. And the concept of sacrificing my desires, pleasure and will, and replacing them with God's will for me, also helped today. I think in the past I was trying to do what needed to be done through my own sufficiency, and that never worked. Today, I tried trusting God, believing it was His will for me, and the results were much better.

I got busy. Praying often along the way, I accomplished the tasks I felt God had called me to do. Just for today. And I am grateful. 

A vision for 2020

Pray. Trust God. Let go of fear and worry. I don’t have to be perfect or consistent.

Pray — seek God. Spend time with God. Put God first.

And all these things will fall into place. 

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." (Matthew 6:33, New King James Version)

Be grateful for who He is and what He is doing, even when it doesn’t make sense to me or seem to be in my best interest.

I won’t let all those great photos on Facebook of the Jan. 1 sunset I missed change my mind. I can be grateful for the pictures and not regret only going outside midafternoon to get the newspaper. It is OK.

As I trust God, I can let go of my fear of missing out, aka FOMO. It won’t be easy. It will be freeing. I can only do it by trusting God.

For my record: I did eat black-eyed peas, pork, cornbread and salad greens, which some sources say are good New Year’s Day choices to bring on good things including health and prosperity in the coming months, in addition to being foods we enjoy. I spent quality time with my husband as well as working on a chore he (and I) would like me to complete. I started two big Bible reading commitments I hope to maintain. 

Is it enough?

I will trust God and give thanks.

Progress not perfection

One other thing I knew I would want to write about on this final day of 2019 was the daily devotional book I used this year, "Then Sings My Soul," which I learned on Dec. 31 of last year was not well edited. https://thats-the-spirit-patricia.blogspot.com/2018/12/wrapping-it-up.html

2019 was a year in which one of my goals was to spend more time in Bible reading, study, prayer, listening and responding to God's guidance for my life. This devotional book challenged me to adopt an attitude of grace and acceptance I likely would not have considered without the errors.

Throughout the year, I've been more aware of how harshly I can judge myself and others. By reading my devotional and letting it speak to my heart, even when I had to look past grammatical errors and dropped or misused words, I stayed aware of the need to do that as well regarding my expectations for myself and others.

An interesting thing is that, when I read the Dec. 31 passages today, I couldn't find the dropped words that I wrote about last year. Nor did I notice the mistake in the 12-step devotional when I read it this year. (I did find them when I specifically searched for them.)

It's also interesting to me that I fully intend to use this devotional book again in 2020 -- and this time to follow through with journaling answers to the daily questions.

I'm grateful I didn't let imperfections block me from strong messages. For me, that's great progress!

An unexpected look back at 2010-2019

While I was pondering questions to help me close out 2019, my thoughts drifted for a moment to a mental survey of the decade 2010-19.

My first thoughts were incredibly sad:

-- It was the decade my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. He had what appeared to be successful surgery, and then died a year later, in October 2011, after more aggressive cancer was found in other parts of his body.
-- It was the decade my sister-in-law was diagnosed with cancer and died about two years later, in July 2015.
-- So many other people, including church friends, also faced life-threatening diagnoses. Too many have died.
-- It was also the decade my husband rescued me from the biggest mistake of my life. I had emergency surgery that led to removal of part of my colon, followed by three months with a colostomy before I could be put back together. I was laid off from the job I had held for 34 years.
 
In many of these, circumstances that could have been horrendous yielded blessings beyond measure.

The blessings are easiest to see in my personal crises: my husband ultimately forgave me and we have renewed our commitment and grown in our love and support for each other, celebrating our 37th anniversary in September; I've had no negative after effects from that major and, at the time, potentially life-threatening medical event; my layoff included several months' notice so I could prepare (and clean off my desk!), along with a decent severance package; and we were in a financial situation that allowed me to not have to get another job, leaving me time to travel with my husband and increase my efforts to be of volunteer service to family members, church and in other ways.

Admittedly, it's harder to find the blessings when loved ones face daunting diagnoses, especially when they are followed by agonizing treatment and still result in the person's death. The truth is, I think some of those will never make sense this side of heaven. Perhaps through the combination of growing older and living through these heartaches, we learn to consistently lean on God and to treasure each moment with our loved ones. I'm grateful that I have increasingly become willing to spend more time reading and studying God's Word, praying and listening for His guidance. Everything God offers has always been available to me; it's just harder for me to accept it if I don't take the time to seek Him, know Him, listen to Him and trust Him.

There were also amazing bright spots:

-- My nieces and nephews welcoming more children into our extended family.
-- Mom celebrating her 80th birthday, surrounded by family and friends, at a party at her church. I think it's also cool that mom was able to move to a nice senior apartment in town without having to give up the family farm.
-- I was able to go on an expenses-paid European cruise before getting laid off.
-- Post layoff, I've been able to travel throughout the U.S. with my husband, with highlights including upstate New York; the Columbia River between Oregon and Washington; great beach resorts; a fresh view of Washington, D.C.; and a poignant visit to Puerto Rico.

The period wound down with Gene and I shuffling to make arrangements to accept a last-minute (one month to prepare) opportunity for a bucket list trip: fishing for peacock bass on the Amazon River in Brazil. After all of our critical arrangements -- passports, flights -- came together in just over two weeks, the trip had to be canceled because of too much rain in the rainforest.

Thankfully, the cancelled Amazon trip became one more opportunity to count our blessings and be grateful. I'm learning that even when we make an investment of time and money toward something that doesn't work out, that doesn't mean it's wasted. Some of our best experiences have come when we acted spontaneously. Although this one didn't work out, we now have valid passports and a new hunger for the kind of trip we never really thought possible. Now we know it is.

These are just recollections that came to mind without looking back at the calendar or my writings during those years. I'm sure many others will come to mind after I post this.

I'll add that I'm grateful for the link I saw on Facebook that listed 10 questions for looking back, to end the year intentionally. I didn't answer those questions in this essay, but they shaped it nonetheless.
Writing about the decade and the past year gives me hope as I prepare to greet 2020 and the 2020s.