Saturday, January 30, 2010

In and out of focus

For probably more than a year now, I've been struggling to focus. This time, it's not just a mental thing. It's physical. My glasses that help me see distances (good for driving) don't allow me to read. And nothing seems to work very well when it comes to reading what's on the computer. The last two times I've gone to the eye doctor, the visit has been more frustrating than fruitful. As a result of all that, I was still wearing (for reading) glasses that are probably five or more years old; newer glasses for driving; and switching between the two (or none) as needed.

But things changed Friday. When I was cleaning the old glasses that work best for reading, they broke across the bridge. I'm pretty sure they are not fixable. So far, I've been able to manage to read page proofs, the newspaper and even my daily devotionals, Scriptures and one other book, taking rest breaks to help avoid a major headache. Reading the computer is the hardest. I'll probably end up with neck and back strain as well as eye strain from trying to find the best angle.

So, why don't I just go to the eye doctor for an examination and then get some new glasses? Well, as I wrote above, the last two times I went have been more frustrating than fruitful. A year ago, after the previous bad experience, I did some research (and prayed, yes, I always do that, too) and felt certain the choices I made would be better this time. But probably 45 minutes into the exam, I had major doubts. I left feeling no confidence that doctor had prescribed lenses that would help, so I didn't even get new glasses.

So here I am again. I should be more desperate than ever, but I guess I'm incredibly stubborn. I'm trying to adjust to my impaired vision while making excuses for not making an appointment. (The snow; I have jury duty starting Monday; I don't know who to try this time....)

I really hope this makes no sense to anyone who might read it. I keep thinking this should be such a simple thing and that surely it would be for anyone else. Why is choosing an eye doctor, making an appointment, getting an exam and getting glasses so hard for me? I don't know the answer to that, but I do know that many things in my life that seem like they should be simple are not. It seems to start with not being able to just make a decision. And that often seems related to having so many options. Some people might suggest I should go to a doctor or psychologist for help with those issues, but if I can't decide on an eye doctor, how in the world would I be able to choose one of those professionals?

For as clear (yes, clear!) as the above example makes it that I am very out of focus in many areas of my life, some things are coming into better focus for me: the importance of prayer and Bible reading; the benefits of getting enough rest; the value of a positive attitude; the rewards of simple steps of progress. That gives me hope that I'll also find enough focus to get my eyesight fixed!

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