A s-l-o-w process

Two years ago, a counseling session opened my eyes to the reality that I hang onto things — such as books and my birthday roses long after they die & dry out — for a reason. These things serve a purpose for me. 

The counselor’s reaction to my expression of shame for hanging on to things was unlike anything I had ever experienced. You mean, this doesn’t make me bad or flawed or less than? She assured me it did not. 

She also promised that, in time, I would be willing to let go of things that I no longer need. 

It’s a healing process. It’s a process that requires acknowledging the wound, feeling the hurt, accepting that it won’t go away instantaneously. 

A couple of interesting notes: I did eventually choose to toss out that year’s birthday roses & some books I’d held onto. Somehow tied to this, I started occasionally buying cut flowers at the grocery store, enjoying them for their moment or season, and then letting them go. And now I may be doing it with Christmas plants. 

One thing that I wish is that I knew where to toss them for compost. I guess that’s like wanting to recycle things I’ve finished using. I’m still working on really being OK with tossing something after I have received its value. I guess it still seems selfish and not good stewardship. (Maybe I need to see if the Boundaries book addresses this.)

Later on the day I drafted this post (Thursday, Jan. 20), a trusted friend offered two wise suggestions, neither of which I’ve acted on, although I remain hopeful I will heed them. 

First, she said don’t overthink it. Obviously, I’m still doing it, because I don’t trust my initial thinking. She said just throw out the plants. 

I keep thinking … what if they aren’t done flowering? … they still bring me a certain amount of joy & wonder … it seems wasteful to toss plants that might still have some beauty to show … what if I miss out? … can’t I see that I’m spending too much time thinking about them still? … 

The other thing she said is that if I throw them in the trash, they will be picked up by the trash collector & eventually make their way to the landfill, which could be viewed as a means of composting, going back to the land. Hmmmm. Something to THINK about? But Lord please save me from overthinking.

So far (Saturday), both plants are still in the window. The amaryllis has two new blooms. I had hoped to be ready to let them go by today. It’s still possible although not looking likely. 

Maybe as a result of this process something similar will be easier next time.