A quick wedding anniversary/football weekend trip to College Station and Texas A&M University brought many smiles, rekindled memories and renewed hope.
Few eras of my life are marked by vivid, precise, detailed memories, and that includes my college years. I can't think of any friendships that I made during college that have endured and grown. My strongest relationships I have tied to Aggieland are people I knew before I attended school there or that I met since I graduated.
Except for Gene. I grew up on a family farm just nine miles from Gene's family's farm, and our families attended the same church, but Gene and I, three years apart in age and attending different public schools, didn't meet until we were more than 200 miles from Cooke County at Texas A&M. We met near the end of my first semester, at a Cooke County hometown club party at the apartment complex where I lived. The next I remember of Gene was when he recognized me in the Geology classroom at the start of the spring semester. By the end of the semester, we were dating. And as best I recall, I guess we've been in a relationship ever since. I can't think of a time we ever broke up, which is really kind of amazing, because we are so different in many ways. (That's a whole other blog post -- or several.)
Even as we walked around campus before Midnight Yell Practice on Saturday and then before the game on Sunday, I'm sure we both were aware of our different styles. But something about that east-central Texas air and especially the sound of the Fighting Texas Aggie Band and a mass of Aggies doing tradition yells just pushed the differences aside and drew us together like twentysomethings.
Spending a few hours at the George Bush Presidential Library, with its prevalent themes of family, faith, service and integrity, fit right in with the spirit of the weekend.
We've been back home and now at work a couple of days, and I can see how easy it is to fall back into old patterns, partly because of work schedules but also just from our own set ways. I don't want that to happen. This can be different. This can still be fun. What can I do to make it happen? I know I'm supposed to live one day at a time, but I don't think it's too early to start planning for Sept. 4, 2012. What can I do today to make the 30th anniversary even better than the 29th (or the 25th -- celebrating at Alcatraz was especially memorable!)? I think it really does come down to how I live each day. In the rush of things, I don't always find quality time for Gene, even on the days when our schedules would allow it. I will work to improve that.
The decision to go to the A&M vs. SMU game, which happened to be on our anniversary, was made less than a week before we left. That's pretty spontaneous for us. Everything costs twice as much when you wait that late to commit. But I'm glad we did it. It reminded me of a few more of the blessings I sometimes take for granted -- and reminded me that the best ways to experience blessings and feel joy and gratitude are to share them. And of course, I must always do so in an attitude of humble gratitude and praise to God.
Showing posts with label habits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label habits. Show all posts
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Matters of timing
It's blog time. I was going to write about tricks of the trade -- techniques I've learned that seem effective in some areas of my life -- along with musings about why I can't seem to find such techniques to apply in other areas.
But the topic crowding my mind is timing. For everything there is a season ...
What brought it to the forefront was the tragedy at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington on Thursday, when 39-year-old firefighter Shannon Stone, who was at the baseball game with his 6-year-old son, Cooper, died after apparently losing his balance and falling over a railing and hitting his head on concrete after catching a foul ball he had asked All-Star and MVP outfielder Josh Hamilton to toss to them.
How can there be a season for something like that? All involved seemed to be engaged in life-affirming, family building, fan-friendly, innocent fun pursuits -- and such an unthinkable result occurs.
The game went on, eventually resulting in a big win for the Rangers. Players and other fans had reason to hope for the best regarding the father's condition (there were reports he was alert and talking, asking about his son) until they were informed after the game that he had died. And then what? How do you celebrate a victory when a child has just lost a father, a wife has lost a husband, a mother has lost a son, and countless others have lost a friend, comrade and hero.
Another game was played Friday, and even though they won decisively, the victory again was somber for the Rangers. Would it ever seem OK to really celebrate a win again?
I guess the answer came Saturday, when the Rangers were unlikely winners with a 2-out, 2-run walkoff homer by Josh. The team and fans -- and Josh, who'd been tormented by his part in the tragedy -- celebrated with the smiles and innocence of children.
I still can't wrap my mind and soul around how such a celebration seemed appropriate then and not the nights before. Many writers referenced Ecclesiastes -- For everything there is a season ... For a moment, it was time to play ball and celebrate.
I hope and pray that it was appropriate, and that family and friends of Shannon Stone -- and his wife and son -- somehow shared in the celebration. Reports had said Josh was Cooper's favorite player, and he and his dad had bought a new glove on the way to the ballpark, and their goal was go catch a ball from Josh. How does a child process that? How does a family?
Josh's response has been that he's just praying and praying. He's praying to know how and when to reach out to the family. In my mind, it seemed like maybe he already should have, and certainly that he should have said in his postgame comments he was thinking of the father and son as he rounded the bases. But his comments were just about baseball. That surprised me. But I believe him when he says he's praying hard for that family and about his response. And he expresses faith that God does have a plan and a hand in what's happening, even if we don't understand. I guess that makes sense.
But it sure messes with my mind. I want to believe that for everything there is a season, and I want to believe that I live by faith. But a Sunday school discussion today reminded me of what a worrier I am, and how worry really isn't compatible with faith. I pray and pray to know how to handle a situation -- or life in general -- but in reality, instead of truly trusting God to guide my steps (whether to work, play, serve or celebrate, etc.), I keep worrying and trying to figure out the right thing to do. And while I'm worrying and trying to figure out, I miss learning that a recently widowed friend was in town Friday night on a visit from Ohio. I don't know why I wasn't aware she was here. I would loved to have seen her. If only I kept closer contact with church friends ...
If only ...
I lack a good sense of timing -- what to do when. And it often leads to regret. Somehow, as events of this week made me even more aware of that weakness, they also reminded me that none of us can change the past. We can just choose our next action. Right now, I don't feel like I'm doing that very well. I'm stuck again in habits -- past actions. That's part of what the other topic would have addressed: "tricks of the trade" to change patterns and achieve better results. But that's for another time.
I've been praying as I've been writing, and the best I can come up with is that, for now, it's time to post and log off. And I do feel strengthened in my faith that God will show me what this is all about -- or use it to His glory anyway -- in His good time.
But the topic crowding my mind is timing. For everything there is a season ...
What brought it to the forefront was the tragedy at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington on Thursday, when 39-year-old firefighter Shannon Stone, who was at the baseball game with his 6-year-old son, Cooper, died after apparently losing his balance and falling over a railing and hitting his head on concrete after catching a foul ball he had asked All-Star and MVP outfielder Josh Hamilton to toss to them.
How can there be a season for something like that? All involved seemed to be engaged in life-affirming, family building, fan-friendly, innocent fun pursuits -- and such an unthinkable result occurs.
The game went on, eventually resulting in a big win for the Rangers. Players and other fans had reason to hope for the best regarding the father's condition (there were reports he was alert and talking, asking about his son) until they were informed after the game that he had died. And then what? How do you celebrate a victory when a child has just lost a father, a wife has lost a husband, a mother has lost a son, and countless others have lost a friend, comrade and hero.
Another game was played Friday, and even though they won decisively, the victory again was somber for the Rangers. Would it ever seem OK to really celebrate a win again?
I guess the answer came Saturday, when the Rangers were unlikely winners with a 2-out, 2-run walkoff homer by Josh. The team and fans -- and Josh, who'd been tormented by his part in the tragedy -- celebrated with the smiles and innocence of children.
I still can't wrap my mind and soul around how such a celebration seemed appropriate then and not the nights before. Many writers referenced Ecclesiastes -- For everything there is a season ... For a moment, it was time to play ball and celebrate.
I hope and pray that it was appropriate, and that family and friends of Shannon Stone -- and his wife and son -- somehow shared in the celebration. Reports had said Josh was Cooper's favorite player, and he and his dad had bought a new glove on the way to the ballpark, and their goal was go catch a ball from Josh. How does a child process that? How does a family?
Josh's response has been that he's just praying and praying. He's praying to know how and when to reach out to the family. In my mind, it seemed like maybe he already should have, and certainly that he should have said in his postgame comments he was thinking of the father and son as he rounded the bases. But his comments were just about baseball. That surprised me. But I believe him when he says he's praying hard for that family and about his response. And he expresses faith that God does have a plan and a hand in what's happening, even if we don't understand. I guess that makes sense.
But it sure messes with my mind. I want to believe that for everything there is a season, and I want to believe that I live by faith. But a Sunday school discussion today reminded me of what a worrier I am, and how worry really isn't compatible with faith. I pray and pray to know how to handle a situation -- or life in general -- but in reality, instead of truly trusting God to guide my steps (whether to work, play, serve or celebrate, etc.), I keep worrying and trying to figure out the right thing to do. And while I'm worrying and trying to figure out, I miss learning that a recently widowed friend was in town Friday night on a visit from Ohio. I don't know why I wasn't aware she was here. I would loved to have seen her. If only I kept closer contact with church friends ...
If only ...
I lack a good sense of timing -- what to do when. And it often leads to regret. Somehow, as events of this week made me even more aware of that weakness, they also reminded me that none of us can change the past. We can just choose our next action. Right now, I don't feel like I'm doing that very well. I'm stuck again in habits -- past actions. That's part of what the other topic would have addressed: "tricks of the trade" to change patterns and achieve better results. But that's for another time.
I've been praying as I've been writing, and the best I can come up with is that, for now, it's time to post and log off. And I do feel strengthened in my faith that God will show me what this is all about -- or use it to His glory anyway -- in His good time.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Random observances, perhaps with some similarities
It's blog deadline day, and I have some time while I wait for a phone call to be returned. So I'm just going to make a quick post about some seemingly random occurrences and observances, perhaps with some similarities. There's a pretty good chance I'll revisit some of these thoughts later.
-- Habits 1: My husband and I went to On the Border for dinner Saturday. It's not a place we usually go, but we had a $30 gift card and decided to use it. For some reason, when I go out to eat, it's become second nature for me to find the least expensive thing on the menu that I think will satisfy me. At Mexican restaurants, that's usually the tortilla soup. It works well, because it's the right amount (coupled with chips and salsa) and I like it very much. But when I looked at the menu, some of the combos really sounded interesting, including one of the fish tacos. But I ended up going with the soup and a house salad. When we got our bill, it was just a little over $22. That didn't leave enough on the card for another trip, but it seemed like too much to leave for a tip. After some discussion, my husband and I decided to leave all of it as the tip. After we left, I wondered why I didn't go ahead and "splurge." As I was feeling a tinge of regret, the thought occurred to me: Maybe the waiter needed that extra bit of cash. That thought makes me smile. And I liked what I had, so why even give it a second thought?
-- Heavenly awareness. On Saturday night, while thinking of a relatively young friend (couldn't be too much older than me) who died unexpectedly Saturday and also thinking about how grateful I am for my Dad's resilient health, the thought occurred to me: Am I looking forward to heaven? When people die, I'm one who, so far, pretty quickly can accept that they are at a better place. But I had the awareness that I don't feel eager for me or my family to be there. In the face of some Bible study I've been doing, and maybe just growing older, I have to wonder about that. So many things I read suggest that people of great faith really have such great love for Jesus that, even while they enjoy their family and friends and time on Earth, they really do have a sense that they are just serving here and waiting for that glorious day. After Bible study Sunday, I mentioned my thoughts to the leader and asked if she's thought about that. She said she has, and she's ready. We had a good conversation. I think this is may be part of a very significant spiritual development for me. I'm not at that point of spiritual maturity yet, but I think I'm getting closer.
-- Habits 1: My husband and I went to On the Border for dinner Saturday. It's not a place we usually go, but we had a $30 gift card and decided to use it. For some reason, when I go out to eat, it's become second nature for me to find the least expensive thing on the menu that I think will satisfy me. At Mexican restaurants, that's usually the tortilla soup. It works well, because it's the right amount (coupled with chips and salsa) and I like it very much. But when I looked at the menu, some of the combos really sounded interesting, including one of the fish tacos. But I ended up going with the soup and a house salad. When we got our bill, it was just a little over $22. That didn't leave enough on the card for another trip, but it seemed like too much to leave for a tip. After some discussion, my husband and I decided to leave all of it as the tip. After we left, I wondered why I didn't go ahead and "splurge." As I was feeling a tinge of regret, the thought occurred to me: Maybe the waiter needed that extra bit of cash. That thought makes me smile. And I liked what I had, so why even give it a second thought?
-- Habits 2. Whether it be chewing too much gum or some other reaction to stress that I know will make a situation worse (overeating, procrastinating), sometimes I think I'm the only one who does crazy stuff. But then I think a little more and realize everyone seems to have various kinds of habitual weaknesses. But when I finally confess to someone one of my deep, dark weaknesses, it seems like it's still easy for the other to say just don't do it. That really aggravated me when it happened Saturday, but I can't shake the idea that it really is the answer. Just don't do it. If eating/drinking/chewing when I'm stressed makes the stress symptoms worse, I've just got to find a way to stop. I may have made a tiny step of progress toward this today.
-- Singing breakthrough? When I sing, I really want it to be about the song, not about me. I just want to share the song and not get in its way. As with so many things, that's easier said than done.
-- Singing breakthrough? When I sing, I really want it to be about the song, not about me. I just want to share the song and not get in its way. As with so many things, that's easier said than done.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Cold facts
I finally accepted that what I was experiencing was a cold when I realized its effect on the common-sense part of my brain: It froze!!!!!
I struggle with decisionmaking in many areas of my life, but one of the biggest struggles is in the area of sickness. The good news is that I'm not sick very much (thank you, God, and praying for continued health!). The bad news is that when symptoms start to appear, I don't seem to respond very well. The problem with my response typically isn't that I overreact and hibernate. Instead, I tend to discount the symptoms and rationalize that I'm not really sick. I self-analyze my symptoms and their onset, and I come up with what seems like a logical conclusion to me that it's probably just drainage resulting from pollen, that I'm not contagious, and I might as well go to work anyway. By the time I can't deny I was really sick, some of the gunk from the drainage has settled into my upper chest, and I feel worse than ever, with a nasty cough, runny nose, watery eyes, congestion, sore throat but somehow not much of a headache or other pain.
This time, the first symptoms showed up on Sunday, as I was unexpectedly very tired as I prepared to drive home from a weekend trip to Arkansas. But being tired made sense after a busy weekend, so I didn't think much of it. And even when I started to have a runny nose and drainage the next day, I truly thought it was sinuses or allergies, not a cold. I didn't have a cold or a fever. I didn't feel that bad. I might as well work. So I worked Monday. And Tuesday. By Wednesday, I was glad it was a short workday, thinking that if I skipped choir practice, I'd probably feel fine by Thursday. So, I'm not sure what happened Thursday morning, but looking back, I can tell that by then the common sense part of my brain had frozen. Because even though I obviously wasn't getting any better, I rationalized that I might be, and that I didn't want to leave people in a bind at work. And I didn't feel THAT bad, did I? By time I left work, I was pretty sure I felt pretty bad! But when Friday came, for some reason I decided I should work again. Same thought: I don't want to leave them in a bind. And even though midway through the 10-hour shift I knew I'd made a mistake in coming to work, I didn't leave, even as I could see they would have been OK without me.
So I reached the weekend hoping that by staying in bed except to eat and medicate on Saturday would turn the corner for me, so I'd be able to go to church. But I was wrong again. By Sunday morning, I could tell I didn't feel enough better to have any business going to church. So I'm still at the house. I hoped I might feel better by 4, so I might shower and go to my Bible study anyway. But I don't think that's happening, either.
So many issues. Among them ....
-- Why don't I go to a doctor? Because whenever I have gone, it hasn't seemed to help. Or that's how it seems from experience. But in this case, it occurs to me now that I probably should have gone when I wasn't better by Thursday. Now, however, I think I'm on the getting-better side, so I don't think I need to go. (Will I NEVER LEARN!!!!)
-- I have a good work ethic, and I'm proud of that. I don't miss work without a good reason, and I try to give reasonable notice. But there's a warp in my ethic when it comes to sickness, apparently. I don't want to leave people in a bind. I don't want to be a wimp. And I just never have a good feel for whether I really am sick.
-- Work is not my God, but when I look at the past week, I don't like the pattern I see about what I attended to every day (work) and the many things I let go, including recovery meetings, church, choir practice, Bible study, exercise and routine chores. My rationale is that everyone else has to fill in the gap at work if I'm gone, and church and everything else seems to go on fine without me, and that I'm the only one who suffers.
In hopes that this won't have been a wasted week, I'm trying to find some lessons in the experience. What is that line for me when I should recognize that I'm really sick and should stay home? How do I know when it's time to go to the doctor? What's the deal with my warped sense of priority toward not missing work? And where do I go from here? I feel some better, and think I'll be good tomorrow (hope springs eternal!!!!), but how will I ever catch up from getting so behind on everything except work?
I don't have answers right now, but this stuff (thoughts, not just the drainage) has been going on in my head all week, and it continues to be helpful to write it down. It's also crucial that I continue to pray and trust in God. Even in what seems like a wasted week, I can't forget to pray to know and do God's will, to His glory. I have to admit I think I did forget to pray along the way some. There is always so much to be grateful for. Writing about it, including the parts where I'm a bit embarrassed about how I deal with things -- and being able to put it out there for anyone who wants to read it -- keeps me moving forward. May I remain hopeful, grateful and faithful.
I struggle with decisionmaking in many areas of my life, but one of the biggest struggles is in the area of sickness. The good news is that I'm not sick very much (thank you, God, and praying for continued health!). The bad news is that when symptoms start to appear, I don't seem to respond very well. The problem with my response typically isn't that I overreact and hibernate. Instead, I tend to discount the symptoms and rationalize that I'm not really sick. I self-analyze my symptoms and their onset, and I come up with what seems like a logical conclusion to me that it's probably just drainage resulting from pollen, that I'm not contagious, and I might as well go to work anyway. By the time I can't deny I was really sick, some of the gunk from the drainage has settled into my upper chest, and I feel worse than ever, with a nasty cough, runny nose, watery eyes, congestion, sore throat but somehow not much of a headache or other pain.
This time, the first symptoms showed up on Sunday, as I was unexpectedly very tired as I prepared to drive home from a weekend trip to Arkansas. But being tired made sense after a busy weekend, so I didn't think much of it. And even when I started to have a runny nose and drainage the next day, I truly thought it was sinuses or allergies, not a cold. I didn't have a cold or a fever. I didn't feel that bad. I might as well work. So I worked Monday. And Tuesday. By Wednesday, I was glad it was a short workday, thinking that if I skipped choir practice, I'd probably feel fine by Thursday. So, I'm not sure what happened Thursday morning, but looking back, I can tell that by then the common sense part of my brain had frozen. Because even though I obviously wasn't getting any better, I rationalized that I might be, and that I didn't want to leave people in a bind at work. And I didn't feel THAT bad, did I? By time I left work, I was pretty sure I felt pretty bad! But when Friday came, for some reason I decided I should work again. Same thought: I don't want to leave them in a bind. And even though midway through the 10-hour shift I knew I'd made a mistake in coming to work, I didn't leave, even as I could see they would have been OK without me.
So I reached the weekend hoping that by staying in bed except to eat and medicate on Saturday would turn the corner for me, so I'd be able to go to church. But I was wrong again. By Sunday morning, I could tell I didn't feel enough better to have any business going to church. So I'm still at the house. I hoped I might feel better by 4, so I might shower and go to my Bible study anyway. But I don't think that's happening, either.
So many issues. Among them ....
-- Why don't I go to a doctor? Because whenever I have gone, it hasn't seemed to help. Or that's how it seems from experience. But in this case, it occurs to me now that I probably should have gone when I wasn't better by Thursday. Now, however, I think I'm on the getting-better side, so I don't think I need to go. (Will I NEVER LEARN!!!!)
-- I have a good work ethic, and I'm proud of that. I don't miss work without a good reason, and I try to give reasonable notice. But there's a warp in my ethic when it comes to sickness, apparently. I don't want to leave people in a bind. I don't want to be a wimp. And I just never have a good feel for whether I really am sick.
-- Work is not my God, but when I look at the past week, I don't like the pattern I see about what I attended to every day (work) and the many things I let go, including recovery meetings, church, choir practice, Bible study, exercise and routine chores. My rationale is that everyone else has to fill in the gap at work if I'm gone, and church and everything else seems to go on fine without me, and that I'm the only one who suffers.
In hopes that this won't have been a wasted week, I'm trying to find some lessons in the experience. What is that line for me when I should recognize that I'm really sick and should stay home? How do I know when it's time to go to the doctor? What's the deal with my warped sense of priority toward not missing work? And where do I go from here? I feel some better, and think I'll be good tomorrow (hope springs eternal!!!!), but how will I ever catch up from getting so behind on everything except work?
I don't have answers right now, but this stuff (thoughts, not just the drainage) has been going on in my head all week, and it continues to be helpful to write it down. It's also crucial that I continue to pray and trust in God. Even in what seems like a wasted week, I can't forget to pray to know and do God's will, to His glory. I have to admit I think I did forget to pray along the way some. There is always so much to be grateful for. Writing about it, including the parts where I'm a bit embarrassed about how I deal with things -- and being able to put it out there for anyone who wants to read it -- keeps me moving forward. May I remain hopeful, grateful and faithful.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Decision Points?
It's early December, and part of me has skipped right past Christmas and is thinking about new year's resolutions. Since one of those resolutions might be to live more fully in each moment, it's obvious the need is real.
A few things recently got me to thinking about resolutions.
One is my continuing annoyance and shame over a few of my habits. Anyone who has paid attention knows I chew way too much gum and have a disgusting habit of picking at bumps and rough skin. These may or may not be a big deal, but the thing I'm keenly aware of is that I won't be able to let go of them -- or even just cut back -- without a very determined effort. I'm aware that just thinking about it and the reasons I want to stop or cut back actually make me more compulsive about the habit. I can tell it's going to take not only a physical plan of action but also a plan that involves mental and spiritual resolve. And I'm not ready yet. Maybe if I start praying for willingness now, it will come sooner rather than later.
Another was a Facebook post from one of my nieces. She wrote on Dec. 1: "... is thinking that if I start practicing my New Years Resolutions now by the time 2011 rolls around I might have them down!!" Good luck with that, I thought, assessing my own reality.
The third thing that has me thinking about resolutions stems from having started to read former President George W. Bush's memoir "Decision Points." Rather than being presented as a life story as such, the book's structure is based on looking back at key decisions, mostly in his presidency but also at other times in his life. It starts with his decision to quit drinking. What it made me realize is that I never know whether I've actually made a decision until I can look back and see whether I followed through. Maybe this is related to my compulsive tendencies (mine don't involve alcohol) and need for a 12-step program that includes Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him." I've done that and continue to reaffirm that decision daily. One day at a time, it keeps me from turning to food as my God. So, what's the deal with this gum? It's not my God, but it seems like more than a nervous habit. Even though it wastes a bunch of money, I'm not sure it causes any ill effects to my health or the well-being of others. In fact, it only seems like an obsession when I try to let it go. (But isn't that the definition of an obsession or addiction -- when you can't or won't give it up even when you think you want to?) I just know that on some level I would like to be free of the excess. But I don't guess I'd like to enough yet to make what seems like a sacrifice.
I know I've made many important decisions in my life that have been transformative in positive ways. This is happening more often as I grow older. But it's also as I grow older that I'm more aware of the decisions I want to make but keep avoiding. I'm aware that I can't get back wasted moments, squandered opportunities, misspoken words or misspent money. I think there is value in looking back to learn from experience, but I want to move forward, to grow and develop. But I guess I'm still not ready to make a decision. I'm just wishing. Or so it seems. Maybe by the start of the new year I'll be ready. Or maybe tomorrow. Or maybe tonight. I guess I'll know when I look back.
A few things recently got me to thinking about resolutions.
One is my continuing annoyance and shame over a few of my habits. Anyone who has paid attention knows I chew way too much gum and have a disgusting habit of picking at bumps and rough skin. These may or may not be a big deal, but the thing I'm keenly aware of is that I won't be able to let go of them -- or even just cut back -- without a very determined effort. I'm aware that just thinking about it and the reasons I want to stop or cut back actually make me more compulsive about the habit. I can tell it's going to take not only a physical plan of action but also a plan that involves mental and spiritual resolve. And I'm not ready yet. Maybe if I start praying for willingness now, it will come sooner rather than later.
Another was a Facebook post from one of my nieces. She wrote on Dec. 1: "... is thinking that if I start practicing my New Years Resolutions now by the time 2011 rolls around I might have them down!!" Good luck with that, I thought, assessing my own reality.
The third thing that has me thinking about resolutions stems from having started to read former President George W. Bush's memoir "Decision Points." Rather than being presented as a life story as such, the book's structure is based on looking back at key decisions, mostly in his presidency but also at other times in his life. It starts with his decision to quit drinking. What it made me realize is that I never know whether I've actually made a decision until I can look back and see whether I followed through. Maybe this is related to my compulsive tendencies (mine don't involve alcohol) and need for a 12-step program that includes Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him." I've done that and continue to reaffirm that decision daily. One day at a time, it keeps me from turning to food as my God. So, what's the deal with this gum? It's not my God, but it seems like more than a nervous habit. Even though it wastes a bunch of money, I'm not sure it causes any ill effects to my health or the well-being of others. In fact, it only seems like an obsession when I try to let it go. (But isn't that the definition of an obsession or addiction -- when you can't or won't give it up even when you think you want to?) I just know that on some level I would like to be free of the excess. But I don't guess I'd like to enough yet to make what seems like a sacrifice.
I know I've made many important decisions in my life that have been transformative in positive ways. This is happening more often as I grow older. But it's also as I grow older that I'm more aware of the decisions I want to make but keep avoiding. I'm aware that I can't get back wasted moments, squandered opportunities, misspoken words or misspent money. I think there is value in looking back to learn from experience, but I want to move forward, to grow and develop. But I guess I'm still not ready to make a decision. I'm just wishing. Or so it seems. Maybe by the start of the new year I'll be ready. Or maybe tomorrow. Or maybe tonight. I guess I'll know when I look back.
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